[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

[mccardey]

Paul was nine years old when his father gave him the rifle, kicked him in the ass, and told him to run for the hills. The fastest kid in fourth grade, Paul could race from one end of town to the other and even some of the way back, maybe three and a quarter miles without stopping, unless a freight train rolled through.

His father’s boot was always the starting gun, though sometimes the roughhousing didn’t feel too playful to Paul, sometimes it felt downright mean.

You've got two very powerful sentences here, and the one in the middle is letting them down and breaking what could be a stellar opening. The second sentence really tells us nothing beyond the fact that the town is one and a half k from Paul's house and that there's a train track between town and home - I don't know if these are essential facts or just filler. We will probably assume from clues in the paragraph that Paul is around nine years old; that running is part of his dad's routine for him suggests, until you tell us otherwise, that he's likely a strong runner. We don't know anything about his school or the other kids in his school, so the fact that he's the fastest runner in his class isn't as important as the information that he is a regular runner.

The first and third sentences tell me that you're good at giving info and building tension: I think you could mine the middle sentence for the info you want, and see if perhaps you could put it into the next paragraph. For me, the fourth sentence - the last four words of the third sentence - should probably stand alone. If you wanted to clarify that the running with the gun was an ongoing event, you could think about saying The first time etc, or something like that.

Really good start - I would read on. Well done.

 

[rob-fox]

Thanks for the help, everyone.

@gingealish

The rest of the sentences work to firmly establish that small-town southern feel, especially the train (bonus if it's foreshadowing like I think it is!), and establish that the father is definitely not World's Best Dad material, but leaves it open as to just how bad he is.

Yep, the train is relevant later in the scene. hehe

@Woollybear

This is pretty good, but to my ear, the 'kicked him in the ass' would do better as a different clause attached to one of the other items.

My first instinct is actually to cut that clause so you don't water down the rifle, which is a strong open. But then I see what you're doing in sentence three and I have to wonder if it's better to keep it.

I appreciate this, and think you're right about not watering down the impact. I'm going to try eliding the "running" part, since the running is already what the second sentence is built around. "Kicked in the ass" is a great punctuation mark.

@Nether

The secondary issue is the first sentence suggests this is a one-time (or first-time) occurrence, but then your third sentence suggests it's routine. And because it feels like you're jumping from one thing to another thing right away, I'm not really grounded in the moment.

Thanks, this is one of the two main things that seemed off about it to me. It's confusing, since the rifle part is the first time, but the running on command thing is habitual. But moreover I failed in the second sentence to convey what the running habit was and why it was relevant, so it jumps around without that focus.

@mccardey

The second sentence really tells us nothing beyond the fact that the town is one and a half k from Paul's house and that there's a train track between town and home - I don't know if these are essential facts or just filler.

Definitely, I see how it's mostly just an artifact of me 'getting into character' telling myself that about him, and then I didn't quite grasp how to scrutinize it later. I think I have a good idea how to retool it so that it actually describes for the reader the meaning behind what's happening. Thanks!