[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

neandermagnon

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I have read the rules. So I think I[m doing this right

My birth was a spectacle. As I shot out into the world, caught by the human midwife. The collective gathering of immortals fell silent.

*** Revised version after Janine's very helpful critique.

My birth was a spectacle. As I shot out into the world, caught by the human midwife, the gathering of immortals fell silent. Georgio, the vampire lord, scooped me from the midwife’s arms before she could even swaddle me.

critiquing the 2nd version

(It's usually better if you post edits in a new post - more people will see it that way. People will tend to see that the original post has already got critiques and not notice the new version, especially if lots of people have replied already.)


The image I get from this is that the baby literally flies out as a projectile and is caught by a midwife standing maybe 2-3 metres away. Since you put "human" midwife, it opens up all kinds of possibilities beyond an ordinary human birth. So I don't know if my (overly literal) visualisation is correct or not. In a real world human context, I'd interpret it as a fast birth (as in the time from the start of labour to the baby being born), but the baby coming out normally. I do have a tendency to take things literally. To be honest, it doesn't stop me from getting into the scene at all. Just it's a slightly odd thing to visualise.

That aside, I'm really intrigued by the idea of the vampire lord grabbing the main character as a baby before the midwife can even start to care for the baby. I'd read on to find out more about the vampires and why it's so important that the vampires grab this baby as soon as they're born.
 
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critiquing the 2nd version

(It's usually better if you post edits in a new post - more people will see it that way. People will tend to see that the original post has already got critiques and not notice the new version, especially if lots of people have replied already.)


The image I get from this is that the baby literally flies out as a projectile and is caught by a midwife standing maybe 2-3 metres away. Since you put "human" midwife, it opens up all kinds of possibilities beyond an ordinary human birth. So I don't know if my (overly literal) visualisation is correct or not. In a real world human context, I'd interpret it as a fast birth (as in the time from the start of labour to the baby being born), but the baby coming out normally. I do have a tendency to take things literally. To be honest, it doesn't stop me from getting into the scene at all. Just it's a slightly odd thing to visualise.

That aside, I'm really intrigued by the idea of the vampire lord grabbing the main character as a baby before the midwife can even start to care for the baby. I'd read on to find out more about the vampires and why it's so important that the vampires grab this baby as soon as they're born.
Thank you. I might change the wording a bit there. I have some grammar things I have to change in my longer version so I'll look and see if that is one that I might do. :)
 
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Nether

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My birth was a spectacle. As I shot out into the world, caught by the human midwife, the gathering of immortals fell silent. Georgio, the vampire lord, scooped me from the midwife’s arms before she could even swaddle me.

It didn't really grab me as an opening. Beyond that, I'm a little confused about the narrator's awareness of their birth as a spectacle -- at least, the way it's framed. Most people's memories don't go back that far and, if they'd heard the story from another character (or saw a recording), there'd be some added context.

The tone/voice also feels a bit lacking, particularly with the third sentence.
 

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My birth was a spectacle. As I shot out into the world, caught by the human midwife, the gathering of immortals fell silent. Georgio, the vampire lord, scooped me from the midwife’s arms before she could even swaddle me.
I like the idea and promise of this, but as one example of how freaking subjective these things are, my brain turns off almost immediately (and almost completely) when an "As" construction is used so early.

By saying that, I sound ridiculous, but it's true. To me. The as-constructions always feel hugely undercooked when used so early. To me. This is subjective.

There are other things I do like about the opening--I like that you use a room full of people straight out of the gate, I like the retrospective tone, I like seeing genre so clearly established. I like the vocabulary. Active verbs, etc etc.
 

pratfalleffect

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I have read the rules. So I think I[m doing this right

My birth was a spectacle. As I shot out into the world, caught by the human midwife. The collective gathering of immortals fell silent.

*** Revised version after Janine's very helpful critique.

My birth was a spectacle. As I shot out into the world, caught by the human midwife, the gathering of immortals fell silent. Georgio, the vampire lord, scooped me from the midwife’s arms before she could even swaddle me.
I agree with neandermagnon above. I also picture this birth being like a baby as a projectile and it's clear that this scene includes several immortal characters and a human midwife but it's unclear if the narrator is human or not drawing some questions in my brain.
For some reason "I shot out into the world" doesn't work for me, especially when I'm trying to create a strong visual in my head of the scene while I read it.

Wondering if you could try to paint more of the scene here using some other descriptors. If indeed the birth of this baby was other worldly and they were projected into the world maybe it could look something like: Surrounded by a gathering of immortals, I was catapulted into the arms of a human midwife.

With that being said, I don't typically seek out stories that have fantasy themes, but this has me intrigued! I too would love to know why Georgio (this name has me thinking the vampire lord might be handsome. Am I into him?) is so quick to scoop the baby. Was this the birth of a vampire prince? Was this a taboo birth and Georgio intervened to ensure secrecy?? I'd like to know!
 

jhe1valu

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Wayne Rodgers trudged down the dusty main street of Silver City on Monday afternoon, leading his lame horse. He left Friday morning in a pine box.
The intervening three days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life.
 

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Wayne Rodgers trudged down the dusty main street of Silver City on Monday afternoon, leading his lame horse. He left Friday morning in a pine box.
The intervening three days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life.
I had a really hard time following this. Maybe it would work better if S1 were in past imperfect, 'had trudged' and S3 projected the issue as 'three days became'? The POV seems to leap from Wayne to Bobby, and since I don't yet know who they are or why I should care about them, the only thing I'm really left wondering about is what happened to the lame horse?

I'm afraid I would not read on. But that's just a reflection of one reader's personal reading tastes.
 

Nether

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Wayne Rodgers trudged down the dusty main street of Silver City on Monday afternoon, leading his lame horse. He left Friday morning in a pine box.
The intervening three days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life.

The kinda plus to this opening is instant intrigue and the promise of something happening. The flip side is the jump from Wayne to Bobby is jarring.

I was also a little thrown off by the use of "trudged" since I tend to assume that with very different environments and settings. The usage of "intervening" also felt... idk, maybe out of place? There's something about it I don't like but it's hard to articulate.
 

Janine R

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Wayne Rodgers trudged down the dusty main street of Silver City on Monday afternoon, leading his lame horse. He left Friday morning in a pine box.
The intervening three days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life.
I like the alive then not alive contrast, it creates some intrigue, but the whole thing is hard to follow. “On Monday afternoon” in the first sentence might work better at the beginning of of sentence 1. The leap to a different character in the third sentence feels jarring and out of place.
 

neandermagnon

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Wayne Rodgers trudged down the dusty main street of Silver City on Monday afternoon, leading his lame horse. He left Friday morning in a pine box.
The intervening three days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life.

I didn't get this because I didn't know what you meant by "pine box". After reading others' comments, I found out what you meant but I wouldn't have got it without the explanation. This left me confused why you start with Wayne Rodgers and suddenly it's about Bobby Cunningham. Based on this, I wouldn't read on. But maybe that's a problem with me rather than the lines.

Ignoring that, the lines flow nicely and read well. I think for the right audience this would draw the reader in, since it begs the question of what went on during those three days. I feel like this isn't my cup of tea - I'm not keen on first name-surname combos in the opening lines, and you've got two. Plus the setup (I'm telling you what the outcome was, then I'm going to go back and telling you the in between stuff properly) isn't to my personal taste. I think this would be great for the right audience.
 

Crash.Dragon

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Wayne Rodgers trudged down the dusty main street of Silver City on Monday afternoon, leading his lame horse. He left Friday morning in a pine box.
The intervening three days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life.
Something in the first line to indicate Wayne Rodgers is not the POV character might help. E.g. Wayne Rodgers, insufferable rat bastard, wandered into Silver City....

Second line is a nice shift. I like.

Third line, I'd try "the three days in between" instead of "intervening." Assuming Bobby Cunningham is the POV character, I'm not a fan of POV characters referring to themselves by their full names.

Not my genre, I think, but I would gladly read on past these three sentences.
 

Nether

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I've been thinking about that jump, and one way to get around it would be to frame things from Bobby's point of view (even if it required a little filtering).
 

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Wayne Rodgers trudged down the dusty main street of Silver City on Monday afternoon, leading his lame horse. He left Friday morning in a pine box.
The intervening three days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life.
In addition to the POV shift, none of your first these sentences take place at the same time, let alone the same day. The constant time shifts are also jarring and make it hard to follow. I think a simple rearrangement of the sentences could alleviate these issues:

The last five days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life. Trouble began Monday afternoon with Wayne Rodgers trudging down the dusty street of Silver City. Wayne left Friday morning in a pine box.

It's not perfect, but I think this framing makes it clearer that Bobby is the POV character. Then, since Sentence 1 says stuff went down over the last week, I won't be thrown when you proceed to tell me what stuff went down.
 
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Rose Hawthorne

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I have read the rules. So I think I[m doing this right

My birth was a spectacle. As I shot out into the world, caught by the human midwife. The collective gathering of immortals fell silent.

*** Revised version after Janine's very helpful critique.

My birth was a spectacle. As I shot out into the world, caught by the human midwife, the gathering of immortals fell silent. Georgio, the vampire lord, scooped me from the midwife’s arms before she could even swaddle me.
I'm definitely hooked, especially by the mention of immortals quickly followed by the vampire lord. I only wonder at how the narrator would know about their birth. If they can remember it, maybe more sensory details would solidify that fact, and if they're recounting it as if another person has told them the story, maybe more distance like they're not certain those details occurred. I'm also still wondering what makes the birth a spectacle, but you'll probably get to that in the following sentences. Thank you for sharing :)
 

Rose Hawthorne

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Wayne Rodgers trudged down the dusty main street of Silver City on Monday afternoon, leading his lame horse. He left Friday morning in a pine box.
The intervening three days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life.
I really like this but it took me a few rereads to fully get it. Maybe if you stated things a little more matter-of-fact and removed "dusty main street" that would give the second sentence even more of a punch. Since you switch to Bobby's POV, maybe you could be a little more explicit about how he relates to Wayne, like "Bobby Cunningham would spend the rest of his life studying those intervening three days" (but whatever applies to the story). Thanks for sharing :)
 

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My birth was a spectacle. As I shot out into the world, caught by the human midwife, the gathering of immortals fell silent. Georgio, the vampire lord, scooped me from the midwife’s arms before she could even swaddle me.
As a mother the use of the words 'shot out' makes me wince and cross my legs, but I am intrigued and somewhat horrified by the image this creates of a birth. This baby is obviously important to those witnesses. I want to know more, not least because there is zero mention of the mother here. Is she alive/dead? Human/vampire? Or is there a mother at all? Has this baby just been spat out by some other form of incubator?
 

anaemic_mind

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Wayne Rodgers trudged down the dusty main street of Silver City on Monday afternoon, leading his lame horse. He left Friday morning in a pine box.
The intervening three days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life.
I like this. Instant intrigue about Wayne and what happened to turn what was clearly an already bad week into the worst, but I agree with others that it threw me off a little the focus going from him to Bobby.
 

jhe1valu

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I like this. Instant intrigue about Wayne and what happened to turn what was clearly an already bad week into the worst, but I agree with others that it threw me off a little the focus going from him to Bobby.
Thanks for your kind words. The opening is simply illustrative of the life of Bobby Cunningham. JOE
 
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Iris Tea

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Dyadin’s hands were slick with blood, every press of his fingers causing the metal orb to slip against his palm. Inventors needed blood magic for most advanced projects, but right now, it made him want to pull his hair out. Ugh–he’d gotten splatters all over the table, and his wrenches too.
 

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Are you planning to query?

Dyadin’s hands were slick with blood, every press of his fingers causing the metal orb to slip against his palm. Inventors needed blood magic for most advanced projects, but right now, it made him want to pull his hair out. Ugh–he’d gotten splatters all over the table, and his wrenches too.

So, the reason I ask whether you plan to query is because these lines are fine, but personally I think the bar for agent interest is higher than this. If you're planning to self-publish, it's one thing, and fine, but if you query agents, then here's my advice.

What's working: You have a character with a problem. The character is working toward a goal and you use active verbs. A touch of voice. All good.

What can be improved: I dislike the telling (worldbuilding) of sentence two, and that Dyadin is alone, and that I don't know if Dyadin is likable or not. I presume not since his hands are soaked in blood and he seems fine with that. He's messy.

So, I have not much reason to be curious about what happens next. Again, if you're self publishing, you might be fine with these opening lines. Potential buyers will have the blurb and reader reviews to look at, and a cover, a title, and more than three sentences, to decide if they want to buy. An agent has a pitch and a few pages.

YMMV; 2c.
 
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neandermagnon

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Dyadin’s hands were slick with blood, every press of his fingers causing the metal orb to slip against his palm. Inventors needed blood magic for most advanced projects, but right now, it made him want to pull his hair out. Ugh–he’d gotten splatters all over the table, and his wrenches too.

I'm getting a sense/mental picture of Dyadin as an inventor, and I like the way the lines are written in terms of how the language flows. In terms of what you're describing, it feels like there's a lot of details to take in, and also things where I would need to know more details to really grasp what's going on. Because of that, I think this info should be spread over more than 3 lines. For example, I don't know whose blood it is. I don't really know what to make of Dyadin without knowing this, e.g. whether it's his own blood, someone else's (even more so if the someone else was murdered), or blood acquired in a legal way (e.g. animal blood purchased from a butchers where the rest of the animal's been sold as meat), or something else.

I'm not sure if slick is the right word - in my experience of accidentally injuring myself, blood feels more sticky than slick. But I've not tried to grip a metal orb (is there are reason it's called an orb rather than a ball?) with hands covered in a lot of blood. The orb thing - I'm not sure what I'm meant to believe about this object - is it a magical object or an ordinary metal ball that's going to be part of a machine that's being invented?

I think if you maybe cut out the subordinate clause about the orb and add in a word/short phrase before "blood" to indicate whose blood it is, (e.g. ...hands were slick with his blood/pig's blood/the blood of his latest victim/etc) this would remove the distraction of what the orb is, and keep the focus on the blood/blood magic and Dyadin being an inventor. Then over the next few lines maybe the orb can have a sentence or two of its own together with important details that would let me know what it is and why it's part of this blood magic.

Having said all that, I would read on as written, albeit I'd want to know the above missing details quickly.
 
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Iris Tea

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Are you planning to query?



So, the reason I ask whether you plan to query is because these lines are fine, but personally I think the bar for agent interest is higher than this. If you're planning to self-publish, it's one thing, and fine, but if you query agents, then here's my advice.

What's working: You have a character with a problem. The character is working toward a goal and you use active verbs. A touch of voice. All good.

What can be improved: I dislike the telling (worldbuilding) of sentence two, and that Dyadin is alone, and that I don't know if Dyadin is likable or not. I presume not since his hands are soaked in blood and he seems fine with that. He's messy.

So, I have not much reason to be curious about what happens next. Again, if you're self publishing, you might be fine with these opening lines. Potential buyers will have the blurb and reader reviews to look at, and a cover, a title, and more than three sentences, to decide if they want to buy. An agent has a pitch and a few pages.

YMMV; 2c.
I do plan to query. Thanks for all your feedback!
 
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Catriona Grace

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Wayne Rodgers trudged down the dusty main street of Silver City on Monday afternoon, leading his lame horse. He left Friday morning in a pine box.
The intervening three days were some of the toughest of Bobby Cunningham's life.

As a fan of the old MASH series, I immediately envision Trapper John McIntyre trudging down the street wearing Korean Conflict era scrubs. Other than that, it's a nice set up.
 
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capricornair

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*Edit: I received enough feedback on this to consider for now. Ty.


Sylvie left a final will and testament. Her lawyer told us to meet him, in her home, at 177 East Willow Avenue this evening. He promised it wouldn’t take very long.
 
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