Lewd Lyricists Needed

[Otter Poltergeist]

Greetings everyone. I have come with a humble request, for I desperately need help with something that counts as a comedy writing exercise (to a certain sort™):

Some time ago I was playing the popular video game, Dota 2, and a man with a thick Russian accent joined my team. He immediately did something considered by all to be a terrible strategy, whilst singing into the mic a little tune, ending with “—in a ditch, and that’s why they call me the pu-ssy bitch.” There was a bit of a cadence.

This has been stuck in my head for the past seven years. I have never heard anyone refer to themselves as a pussy bitch before, never mind proudly in song—but for the life of me I can’t remember what he was doing in that ditch. It was five words, I remember that much. I’m simply drawing a blank as to what they could be.

The time has come to finally figure this out.

I don’t suppose there are any kind benefactors out there with some suggestions?

 

[frimble3]

I do not know this ditty, but if you're just looking for suggestions:
"She stole my car,
Dumped me in a ditch,
And that's why they call me the p-ssy bitch?"
Essentially a 'she done me wrong' song.

 

[Otter Poltergeist]

Ohh, I think you're onto something. I remember it as being focused on himself, but maybe it was "That's where they found me in a ditch."

That could be it. I can't believe I didn't think of it before.

We're close, at the very least...

 

[frimble3]

Or:
(2 preceding lines added for additional inspiration)
'She drove off without a care,
But her bumper knocked me flying through the air.
They found me lying in a ditch
And that's why they call me the pussy-b*tch'

Ring any bells?

 

[mrsmig]

Greetings everyone. I have come with a humble request, for I desperately need help with something that counts as a comedy writing exercise (to a certain sort™):

Some time ago I was playing the popular video game, Dota 2, and a man with a thick Russian accent joined my team. He immediately did something considered by all to be a terrible strategy, whilst singing into the mic a little tune, ending with “—in a ditch, and that’s why they call me the pu-ssy bitch.” There was a bit of a cadence.

This has been stuck in my head for the past seven years. I have never heard anyone refer to themselves as a pussy bitch before, never mind proudly in song—but for the life of me I can’t remember what he was doing in that ditch. It was five words, I remember that much. I’m simply drawing a blank as to what they could be.

The time has come to finally figure this out.

I don’t suppose there are any kind benefactors out there with some suggestions?

Okay, I took some liberties with the meter...

I was feelin' kinda lonesome so I bought me a cat
A furry friend who'd purr when I would give her a pat
But she turned out kinda awful, she turned out kinda mean
The cruelest little kitty that this town has ever seen

She bit me when I fed her, she scratched me when I'd pet her
I thought she might be sick and so I took her to the veter-
-Inarian, but on the way she got out of her carrier
And a hairy ride with her loose inside soon got even hairier

She clawed her way around the car, she ripped my seats of vinyl
She mauled my ear, she raked my face, she bit my nose and final -
Ly dived into my shirt front, and though I tried to deck her
She got below my beltline, and clamped onto my pecker

I yanked the wheel, I stamped the brakes, and as the tires squealed
We spun right off the road and landed sideways in a field
I screamed, I bailed, I grabbed my crotch so I could slap her silly
I got my fly unzipped just as she bit right through my willy

She exited my trousers through the op'ning I'd provided
She gave my face a final scratch, and then she quickly glided
Into the car, and with my wang between her teeth so tight
She gunned the engine, spun the wheel and sped into the night

They found me lying by the road, a man without a cock
But pity? No! Instead I'm now the local laughingstock
The man who was "cat-strated" and left lying in a ditch
And that's why folks in these here parts call me the pussy bitch.

 

[Otter Poltergeist]

That's certainly the way I'll be remembering it from now on, lol.

 

[Chris P]

in a ditch, and that’s why they call me the pu-ssy bitch

Googling that line followed by "lyrics" has taken me to parts of the musical world I rarely think of and never visit.*


*[to paraphrase Poe's "Hey Pretty (Drive By Remix)"]

 

[Otter Poltergeist]

Oh, wow. I've been using search engines to look up lyrics since the WebCrawler days, and yet it never occurred to me to see if he was quoting one of the... base genres of music.

Also, holy crap. WebCrawler is still around. I had to look it up to make sure I was remembering the name right.