Janitorial

editing_for_authors
Editing for authors: because every writer needs a good editor.

NoirSuede

Running gags aren't for me
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 22, 2015
Messages
279
Reaction score
11
Age
22
Location
Tangerang, Indonesia
I'm still quite new at this... so give it all you got!

City lights, bright nights, shone onto a warehouse deep inside the city. While outside wind blew hard and fast, inside was devoid of movement. The only things there were rows upon rows of titanium caskets, each the same in shape and size, all with their own antenna and receiver all charged up, and each containing an OBot. Metallic men of large stature, tubular heads arms and legs, wrapped in pearl green plastic bearing only their company’s symbol, each and every masters of the art of the janitor. To do their work, they all have a metallic bag, containing all the tools of the arts, from the broom, to the self-washing mop, to the self-drying plunger, and even a miniature fan. Bound to their own caskets, they’re only free whenever someone calls their caskets for help, and then transfers it some cash. It uploads the exact abode and target, and then once they’re done they return to sender, before it downloads their memories away clean. And one casket received a call from an unknown number:

“GOOB-2701, do you live in an apartment, penthouse, or house?”
“House”
“One floor or two floors?”
“Two”
“First floor, second floor, or both?”
“First floor”
“Living room, kitchen, bathroom, dining room, toilet, lounge, or the entire floor?”
“Lounge”
“Full cleaning or partial cleaning?”
“Just mop the floor okay”
“Full cleaning or partial cleaning?”
“uh, partial”
“Mopping, vacuum cleaning, or polishing?”
“Polishing, now just get here ASAP, otherwis….”
“To confirm: Duren Vila #4 Street, Tangerang, Banten, Indonesia, house, two floors, first floor, living room, partial cleaning, polishing.”
“Yessss”
“That would be 360.000 Rupiah, is your card Visa or Master Card?”
“Visa”
“What is your card number? We at GOOB will never reveal yo…”
“4024007187748511”

The casket hung up.
After it had received the cash, it booted up its OBot, uploading it everything it needed to know, before unplugging it away.
Free from its casket, OBot-2701 wandered around the warehouse, wondering of an exit, but it could only find folding gates and caskets. But then, it saw the city lights shining from windows up high, and as they were conveniently supported by a stair-like formation of shelves of caskets – at least to OBot-2701’s cameras – without a second thought it climbed the shelves, and once its whole frame could stand up top, it punched the palladium-glass to bits without even a bit of hesitation, before jumping down two feet below.
After 30 minutes of marching, it was very near to its destination. It was a cluster house, which had the privilege of being at the start of its row of houses, and therefore had a garden alongside a large pair of trellis doors overlooking it. OBot-2701 obeyed the exact coordinate its casket told it to stand, which happens to be in the middle of the garden. Then, it honked the one phrase it knew:
“GO-OB, Always Spotless”
No response.
“GO-OB, Always Spotless”
Nothing.
With its microscopic eyes however, it could see that the doors were unlocked, so it thought it was welcomed to come in.

Inside, it matched the room’s two storage benches laid face-to-face, the glass coffee table at the middle, and the ceramic decorative plates of myriad colors adorning the wall beside the white double doors, with what its database of rooms consider them to be. After a minute, it had figured out that the room was in fact the lounge.
As it prepared to polish the ceramic floor, the silent hum of its handheld polishing machine reverberated throughout. It saw all the minute hills and scratches, and adjusted its polishing compound, before then bending down towards them, and swirled them away. 10 minutes later, it had done the entire floor. However, it saw swirl marks everywhere, so it pulled out a different polishing machine, one weaker.
But then, the hum was overshadowed by the creak, as a balaclava-clad person of athletic build entered the room. They knew that everything a GOBot sees is owned by the police, so their gloved fist went straight to its head. In a spur, GOBot-2701 spun around, swatting the person with the polishing machine aside. Without realizing what happened, GOBot-2701 bent down towards the swirl marks.
From the ruins of one of the storage benches, the balaclava person rose, determined to put GOBot-2701 down. They rose their foot high above, preparing an axe kick kick, but by the time their foot touched something GOBot-2701 was away. They tried again, again, and again, but each time they missed and each time they rattled the ceramic plates more and more, while GOBot-2701 polished its merry way.
Once GOBot-2701 had finished circling the floor, in one last defiance the balaclava person marched up to GOBot-2701, and as to them GOBot-2701 was prostrating, they prepared a low soccer kick straight to GOBot-2701’s head. But then, GOBot-2701 stood up. Its head accidentally touched their privates, and the balaclava person laid on the floor, prostrated. The impact had unhinged all the plates, creating an even bigger mess, but as GOBot-2701 was only ordered to polish it thought it had a job well done, and walked back home.

The next day, all of the caskets were distributed all over the city, as the police ponder over the shattered palladium glass. Not long after it was planted, GOOB-2701 received a call:
“GOOB-2701,, do you live in an apartment, penthouse, or house?”
“House”
“One floor or two floors?”
“Two”
“First floor, second floor, or both?”
“First floor”
“Living room, kitchen, bathroom, dining room, toilet, lounge, or All?”
“Lounge”
“Full cleaning or partial cleaning?”
“Full”
“To confirm: Duren Vila #4 Street, Tangerang, Banten, Indonesia, house, two floors, first floor, lounge, full cleaning”
“Yes.”
“That would be 1.360.000 Rupiah, is your card Visa or Master Card?”
“Visa”
“What is your card number? We…”
“4024007187748511”
When GOBot-2701 arrived, the police were leaving the scene. As GOBot-2701 scanned over all the mess, GOBot-2701 could faintly recall how the room was last night, but GOBot-2701 dismissed that memory, and went to work.

Um, why doesn't Tab work?
 

yesandno

stagnationtown
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 19, 2007
Messages
378
Reaction score
71
Location
other.
This is just kind of standard advice, but...there's more telling required of this piece than it can support. Also, there is only one sentence that seems to indicate what's happened, and because there isn't a sympathetic character it's hard to work up any concern over it. If this were a short story it might work better.
 

Hedwig

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 5, 2017
Messages
218
Reaction score
73
Location
Pennsylvania
Website
www.katherinetweedle.com
I would agree that this story seems to be a lot more involved than you have room for in a flash piece. Because of that you have a bit of an info dump in the beginning that makes it difficult to become invested. That said, you may be able to provide us enough context in the telephone transaction for us to understand what is going on.

Also, although there is a fight scene, there doesn't really seem to be any real sense of conflict. I guess we're supposed to be on the side of the GoBot, since we're reading from its POV, but we don't have a sense of any stakes or threat to the GoBot should it fail to overpower its attacker. You may have to imbue the Bot with some human characteristics or thought patterns in order to garner sympathy for the Bot.

Overall, it's a very interesting concept, I just think you need to work a little more to draw the real story out of the scenario.
 

Happy Thanksgiving

Autumn image for Thanksgiving