Jackson and Abbie Work Together to Solve a Problem (396 words)

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MRFAndover

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I'm taking a creative writing course, which included a session on dialogue. Hence the form of this. I'm hoping this is sufficiently polished. I edited a few things while I posted it, and now it's 414 words. Feedback of any sort is welcome.

“I can’t believe she left without filling my water bowl. We just went on a walk. What’s she thinking about?” Abbie walked over to the couch and poked her nose in Jackson’s middle.

“Jackson. Jackson. Wake up.”

“What? What? I’m awake. I was awake.”

“We went for a walk. Then she just left without filling my water bowl. There’s no water in any of the bowls.”

“Well what do you want me to do about it?” Jackson stretched out his back leg and licked the fur. He started to turn around as if he would go back to sleep.

“Go out to the kitchen. There’s a water pitcher on the counter. It’s full of water.”

“And so?

“Come on Jackson. Help me out here.”

“I’m listening.”

“I’ll let you hang from my jowls again.”

“No. That was a one-time thing.”

“You can have some of my kibbles at dinner.”

“No. They are not all that tasty.” Jackson sat up with his tail wrapped around his feet. “You’re going to have to give me something better than that if you want that water.”

Abbie wandered over to the kitchen. She looked at the pitcher. She looked over her shoulder, bending her neck into a half circle. She turned around, tail down. She sat. “Ok. You can play with my tail.”

“Now you’re talking.” Jackson leaped off the couch.

Abbie stood and tucked her tail between her legs. “Not until after the water. No tail until I get that water. I’m serious, Jackson.”

Jackson leaped to the dining room table and from there to the breakfast bar around the sink. He jumped onto the counter and circled around the water pitcher. He got behind the pitcher and gave it a shove with his paw. Nothing. He stood up and leaned into the pitcher. Pleased with the effect, he leaned some more, and it moved closer to the edge of the counter. One more push, with some muscle behind it. “There you go, Abbie. Drink up and deliver.”

When I got back from the doctor’s office, I walked into the kitchen to make lunch only to find the water pitcher on the floor. The lid was over by the laundry room. The filtering basin was by the sink. “That’s odd,” I said to myself. “Where’s all the water?”
 
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Beanie5

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I'm taking a creative writing course, which included a session on dialogue. Hence the form of this. I'm hoping this is sufficiently polished. I edited a few things while I posted it, and now it's 414 words. Feedback of any sort is welcome.

Abbie walked over to the couch and poked her nose in Jackson’s belly.

“I can’t believe it. We just went on a walk and she left without filling the water bowl. What was she thinking?" Abbie growled a purr

"Jackson!
Jackson! Wake up.”

“Who? What? I, ah hem, was awake.”

“We took a walk. Then she just left. And there’s no water in the bowl.”

"Well... there is a water pitcher on the kitchen counter." Jackson stretched out his back leg and inspected it

"And? "

Jackson ignored her and began to lick a patch of fur above his paw.


" Please Jackson, you know everything."

“I’m listening.”

“I’ll let you hang from my jowls again.”

“No. That was a one-time thing.”

“You can have some of my kibbles at dinner.”

“No. They are not all that tasty.” Jackson sat and wrapped his tail around his feet and twitched it twice.

Abbie wandered over to the kitchen. She looked at the pitcher. She looked over her shoulder, bending her neck into a half circle. She turned around, tail down. She sat. “Ok. You can play with my tail.”

“Now you’re talking.” Jackson leaped off the couch.

Abbie stood and tucked her tail between her legs. “Not until after the water. Water first. I’m serious, Jackson.”

Jackson wrinkled his nose and sprang onto the dining room table. From there he sprang to the breakfast bar near the sink and jumped onto the counter.Circling around behind the water pitcher he gave it a nudge.


When I got back from the doctor’s office, I walked in and Abbie was letting Jackson play with her tail, If that wasn't weird enough the water pitcher in the kitchen mysteriously had fallen on the floor, the lid was over by the laundry room and the filtering basin was by the sink. “How odd,” I said to myself as I picked it up and look at the floor where it had fallen. “Where’s all the water gone?”

played with it , Mrf left it a bit more reader filling in approach hope there is something there to help. Luck.

p.s. to make it work best i think the water may have to be in the fridge.

perhaps jumping to the top of the fridge and using back paws to push open the door a bar fridge would be ideal
 
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MRFAndover

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played with it , Mrf left it a bit more reader filling in approach hope there is something there to help. Luck.

p.s. to make it work best i think the water may have to be in the fridge.

perhaps jumping to the top of the fridge and using back paws to push open the door a bar fridge would be ideal

Thanks, Beanie. I'll play with the fridge angle. Jackson, I'm sure you are aware, will eventually figure that out. I'm not sure Abbie knows much about the contents of the fridge. She pretty much ignores it. I like the idea of leaving stuff for the reader to fill in. I'm still at the stage where I forget to think about what the reader is capable of. In spite of my last blog post!
 

pkbax

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I love the idea of leaving more to the reader. I think I'd leave off the bit about "where's all the water" though. As a cat and a dog owner, I know darn well what would happen to any liquid or food that hit the floor. If the pitcher was on the counter and is now on the floor, the thing that would be a surprise if there was any water left.

Now, if you did play with the fridge angle, I have 2 thoughts. 1) You could end it with a simple "how'd that get there?" and 2) believability - is it possible? (Is Jackson strong enough to open it? My Crockett has tried but can't.) But I can totally imagine the cat giving the dog ideas how to open the door, then the cat pushing the water pitcher out.
 

Beanie5

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these things pray on my mind:Shrug:, for some reason, so cat gets knife from draw slips it between magnetic seal on fridge, dog pushes on it to open, maybe. keep well.
 

MRFAndover

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these things pray on my mind:Shrug:, for some reason, so cat gets knife from draw slips it between magnetic seal on fridge, dog pushes on it to open, maybe. keep well.

Great minds think alike. I was thinking I'd have to describe the refrigerator--the freezer needs to be at the bottom. I was going to give the doors handles. Jackson could push with his hind paws in that ledge at the top and fail--thank you for this idea, pkbax. Then Abbie could grab and handle and pull while Jackson pushes, and voila! The door is open.

I'm considering having Abbie shut Jackson in the fridge after the water pitcher is out, but that's not really part of her character. Although, who knows what she might do to protect the dignity of her tail?
 

TexasPoet

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In the US, we just say "kibble" and not "kibbles".

The last paragraph shift in person was jarring.

Great story idea though.

With all the pet parents in the world, this story should be popular. (If pet parents read FF.) :)

tp
 

pkbax

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I'm considering having Abbie shut Jackson in the fridge after the water pitcher is out, but that's not really part of her character. Although, who knows what she might do to protect the dignity of her tail?
:roll: Now THIS is how my 2 would be.
 

Elizabeth George's book Write Away