Greets as a dialogue tag? [Answered]

[Nether]

Kinda not sure whether this works or not, which is starting to bug me.

Basically, I had:

“Morning, Hunter,” he greets like I’m a friend instead of [...]

But I was kinda worried "greets" doesn't really work as a dialogue tag, so I adjusted it to this:

“Morning, Hunter,” he says, greeting me like I’m a friend instead of [...]

The kinda issue is when I think of the first example, but I exchange "greets" with "says," the "like" doesn't feel weird. But with "greets" it kinda does.

 

[frimble3]

Kinda not sure whether this works or not, which is starting to bug me.

Basically, I had:

“Morning, Hunter,” he greets like I’m a friend instead of [...]

But I was kinda worried "greets" doesn't really work as a dialogue tag, so I adjusted it to this:

“Morning, Hunter,” he says, greeting me like I’m a friend instead of [...]

The kinda issue is when I think of the first example, but I exchange "greets" with "says," the "like" doesn't feel weird. But with "greets" it kinda does.

How about "Morning, Hunter" he greets me like I'm a friend, instead of...
It's the form of the first example, but with the clarification of who he's greeting.

FWIW, 'says' sounds so neutral, not like he's greeting a friend or an enemy, but just some rote thing you say, passing in a crowd or at a an introduction to someone you're pretty sure you'll never interact with again.

 

[owlion]

I think you'd probably need to use a full stop like: “Morning, Hunter.” He greets me like I’m a friend instead of [...]
You don't necessarily need the dialogue tag!

 

[Brigid Barry]

Kinda not sure whether this works or not, which is starting to bug me.

Basically, I had:

“Morning, Hunter,” he greets like I’m a friend instead of [...]

But I was kinda worried "greets" doesn't really work as a dialogue tag, so I adjusted it to this:

“Morning, Hunter,” he says, greeting me like I’m a friend instead of [...]

The kinda issue is when I think of the first example, but I exchange "greets" with "says," the "like" doesn't feel weird. But with "greets" it kinda does.

I think it's because it's redundant, like when a character says something like

"How are you?" she asks.

We can see it's a greeting, so we don't need to be told.

vs

"Morning, Hunter," he says.

Like I'm his friend. [this is the POV character's reaction to the greeting, and it doesn't belong on the speaker's line]

Just my two cents.

 

[Woollybear]

Kinda not sure whether this works or not, which is starting to bug me.

Basically, I had:

“Morning, Hunter,” he greets like I’m a friend instead of [...]

But I was kinda worried "greets" doesn't really work as a dialogue tag, so I adjusted it to this:

“Morning, Hunter,” he says, greeting me like I’m a friend instead of [...]

The kinda issue is when I think of the first example, but I exchange "greets" with "says," the "like" doesn't feel weird. But with "greets" it kinda does.

Ooooh, I like this question a lot.

I don't know the technical answer, but I'd personally put it in the same bin with swear words and exclamation points, which is a bin in my mind that these are cool tricks but only to be used on rare occasion and never in the first or second chapter. Like, I need the reader to trust me 100% and once they do, I can mess around a little. (Not too much.)

I like your first version better, more efficient and a touch of voice, but I would NOT like it if it was on page one. Make sense?

 

[Maryn]

In my esteemed opinion (insert guffaws at will), greet is not a synonym for said. It requires an object (greets me) as well.

Compare it to a word quite similar in meaning, welcome. Your character's dialogue can clearly be a welcome, just as it can clearly be a greeting, question, or farewell, but you wouldn't write "Come on in," he welcomes. Like greet, it's not a synonym for said and requires an object.

 

[CMBright]

For what it's worth, in your example sentences 'he greets' stops me where 'he says' or the response with "[...]." He greets... does not. No hard and fast known rule I can cite to back up my reaction, just an intuitive reaction from a reader.

 

[JJ Litke]

I think you'd probably need to use a full stop like: “Morning, Hunter.” He greets me like I’m a friend instead of [...]
You don't necessarily need the dialogue tag!

This is how I'd do it.

I'm assuming that the part that follows "instead of..." is going to reveal some background about why they aren't friends, possibly while being some added voice for the character (like they make a snarky joke about it). That it adds some value beyond a mere dialog tag.

 

[Pacific]

How about:

“Morning, fxcker,” he grins like I’m a friend instead of [...]

Or version 2:
“Morning, Hunter fxcker,” he grins like I’m a friend instead of [...]

Version 3:
“Morning, fxcker Hunter,” he grins like I’m a friend instead of [...]

 

[Brigid Barry]

How about:

“Morning, fxcker,” he grins like I’m a friend instead of [...]

Or version 2:
“Morning, Hunter fxcker,” he grins like I’m a friend instead of [...]

Version 3:
“Morning, fxcker Hunter,” he grins like I’m a friend instead of [...]

Even though this particular piece is unidentified, the OP writes MG. Pretty sure parents would have a meltdown over casual f-bombs.

 

[JJ Litke]

How about:

“Morning, fxcker,” he grins like I’m a friend instead of [...]

Or version 2:
“Morning, Hunter fxcker,” he grins like I’m a friend instead of [...]

Version 3:
“Morning, fxcker Hunter,” he grins like I’m a friend instead of [...]

What Brigid said. And, it would still need a full stop. The verbs in dialog tags need to make sense, and people can't 'grin' speech. If it's not supposed to be a dialog tag, then it needs a full stop to break up the run-on sentence.

 

[Maryn]

Wait, are you telling me I cannot grin words I say, much less lengthy paragraphs of dialogue? Or smile them? Or frown the words? How about I scowl them? Or grit my teeth at them?

None of that? Sheesh, what a demanding taskmaster!

 

[Woollybear]

Brigid's reminder of this being a likely middle grade manuscript, or else YA in case this is one of Nether's YA projects, is a good one. I *think* middle grade is more lenient on said-bookisms and other crutches that early-ish readers rely on. In this case, greet isn't quite a bookism, but it feels darn close, like the following examples from my kid's copy of HP1 (which I had difficulty reading all those years ago precisely because of the bookisms and also many adverbs in tags.) Here are a couple examples that I think are similar to "Morning, Hunter,” he greets like I’m a friend ...

"What they're saying," she pressed on, "is that last night...

"Who'd be writing to you?" sneered Uncle Vernon...

I think, my opinion only, if you can 'sneer' a question, then you can probably also 'greet' a phrase--'greet' at least conveying some quality of audible volume, as do the more easily recognized bookisms of snarled, snapped, roared, hissed, and so on. (which that author used with wild abandon.)

But I'm on the fence. Brigid's reminder of middle grade fiction brought this old work to mind, and the different expectations between age brackets. If I wanted to sneak a “Morning, Hunter,” he greets into my manuscript, I might try it, but not too early and only once or twice altogether.

What do your comps do, Nether? That's probably another good guide.

 

[Nether]

Thanks for all the feedback.

And yes, it's a MG, so cursing would definitely be out under any circumstances. One of the reader reviews for Spy School noted that she'd given the book 3 stars instead of 4 because of "all the useless cussing", which -- by her count -- was one use of "damn" and three uses of "ass" (and, tbh, I'd raised my eyebrow when I saw "ass").

 

[Pacific]

Can I - oh, may I - throw another element into the conversation and consideration:
"Greets" is telling, "Grins" is showing...

And, if "fxcker" is out of the question, how about "sucker"? "faker"? "hater"? "punter"? "dropper Hunter"? (Come on, let's have some writer's crazy creativeness...)

 

[Brigid Barry]

Grins isn't a dialogue tag.

Seeing that the entire purpose of the OP's original question is that the speaker is greeting the character like a friend, I'm not sure why you want to rewrite it into something nasty, which, again, is not appropriate for MG, which is what the OP confirmed this is.

If you want to have mean characters name calling and being rude in your own WIP, that is absolutely your choice, but that's not what the OP was looking for.

 

[kinokonoronin]

And, if "fxcker" is out of the question, how about "sucker"? "faker"? "hater"? "punter"? "dropper Hunter"? (Come on, let's have some writer's crazy creativeness...)

Full agreement with Brigid.

Additionally, most of your suggestions don't ring true. I can't speak for all readers, but naturalistic dialogue is basically nonnegotiable for me (and I'm the one who chooses most of the MG books my son reads). If I leaf through your novel in a bookstore and even once have the thought "this author doesn't know how people speak," there's no chance I am not putting that book back on the shelf.

 

[JJ Litke]

I think, my opinion only, if you can 'sneer' a question, then you can probably also 'greet' a phrase--'greet' at least conveying some quality of audible volume, as do the more easily recognized bookisms of snarled, snapped, roared, hissed, and so on. (which that author used with wild abandon.)

Okay, but in Nether's example, it's not just a short dialog tag, it's the start of a longer thought by the narrating character. A full stop is just such a neat, clean solution for this particular case.

[deleted sidetrack about how much Rowling uses 'ejaculate' as a said bookism]

 

[Maryn]

[deleted unkind snark in reaction to Rowling remark. RYFW and all...]

 

[Pacific]

Grins isn't a dialogue tag.

Seeing that the entire purpose of the OP's original question is that the speaker is greeting the character like a friend, I'm not sure why you want to rewrite it into something nasty, which, again, is not appropriate for MG, which is what the OP confirmed this is.

If you want to have mean characters name calling and being rude in your own WIP, that is absolutely your choice, but that's not what the OP was looking for.

The OP's original question is "like I’m a friend instead of [...]"

You missed the cue...

 

[CMBright]

In case it was missed, I will repeat that this is MG. Swearing, even using ass instead of butt, might be the difference between getting an agent and getting a form rejection.

 

[JJ Litke]

The OP's original question is "like I’m a friend instead of [...]"

Exactly, the greeting is as if they were friends. Adding insults in there would negate it being a friendly greeting, and that line would no longer make sense.

 

[Sage]

Considering this thread has been "answered" for over 24 hours, I don’t see any reason to keep arguing over whether to add swear words when it’s a dialogue tag question nor to discuss a certain transphobic author’s use of said bookisms 2 decades ago. Closing the thread unless the OP wants it reopened