Entry #38 - Beta Project 2014

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Only at the Movies
Manuscript Genre: Contemporary Romance
Manuscript Word Count: 39,000 words
Is your manuscript finished?: Y

Hook:

Cierra Wu leaves work early one Tuesday to go to the movies as a distraction. There she meets David, and watching movies and making out with him soon becomes a weekly activity. They tell each other nothing personal, and only use their time together to forget about their real lives. She doesn’t even know his last name or what he does for a living.

But she values the escape from the pain of losing her best friend to suicide. A death which Cierra believes she could have prevented.

However, her relationship with David soon becomes more than an escape, and Cierra doesn’t know what to do, especially without her closest friend to turn to for advice.

First 750 words:

I hated that I found George Clooney attractive. It made me feel so damn unoriginal. Plus he was the same age as my dad, and that seemed sort of wrong.

But I couldn’t help that I found the man easy on the eyes. So when I showed up at the discount movie theater one Tuesday afternoon in January, I quickly made my choice. The George Clooney drama that had opened in limited release at the end of December—clearly after Academy Award nominations—would serve as my distraction.

I purchased a “small” bag of popcorn that was large enough to feed a family, but no drink. I would not allow an emergency trip to the washroom to come between me and a man old enough to be my father. I took a seat in the third row from the back, right in the middle, and awaited the previews.

I should have been at work, of course. It was three o’clock, and I was supposed to be writing code to help people discover something with microscopic organisms that would…Hell, I had no idea. I was a code monkey; I knew little about the actual research.

But after two hours of hopelessly trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong, I had given up. It wasn’t going to happen. And since everyone was cutting me a little slack these days, given what had happened, I just left, and no one said a word. The movie theater sounded like the perfect distraction, so that’s where I went.

There was something about watching a movie on the big screen, rather than a computer or iPhone (it boggled my mind that people actually watched movies on their phones) that just transported me to another world. No matter how good a movie was, watching it in the loneliness of my living room just didn’t have the same effect. Jessica and I used to…

Well. The reason I was at the theater was to forget about Jessica.

I looked around as the lights dimmed. The theater was pretty empty, and no one else was sitting in my row. Awesome. I shoved a handful of popcorn into my mouth.

I enjoyed the previews, even though they were all for movies that looked hysterically bad. And finally…there was George Clooney. George was wearing a suit and walking by the water at night—not terribly original, I thought. But seeing as I was one of millions of women who found him attractive, I probably shouldn’t be complaining. Pot, kettle, black, or some such nonsense.

The camera zoomed in on the back of his head—I was more interested in his face—and followed him along, as though someone was walking behind him with a camera. And that someone sure didn’t have very steady hands.

I partially covered my eyes. Crap. This was going to be one of those shaky cam movies, wasn’t it?

I despised shaky cam. I’d heard it was done to give a movie an “intimate” feel. Yeah, right. More like it was done to give me an intimate relationship with the nearest toilet.

I was horribly prone to motion sickness. I’d thrown up in cars. In an airplane. After riding three different roller coasters at Wonderland. (Yes, that’s what it took for me to learn my lesson. I was a stubborn teenager.) In boats. And a couple times because of movies. Sometimes I even Googled the movie title and “motion sickness” before I went to the theater, just to see if other people had experienced problems, but seeing this movie had been a last minute decision.

I stared at the floor for a few seconds, then looked back at the screen. George Clooney’s head was still bouncing around. Shit. An attractive man like that at least deserved a tripod.

I was about to look down—really, it wasn’t worth making myself sick over the back of George’s head—when he started to turn towards the camera. And then I couldn’t look away because he was sporting some very attractive scruff. I really liked the look of a man who hadn’t shaved for a day. Or three.

Unfortunately, I only lasted a minute or two before I had to look at the floor again. I had some popcorn, hoping it would settle my stomach, and wondered how long I should tough it out.

What do you look for in a beta?:

I am mainly looking for overall comments, especially on the voice and on how the racial issues are handled, as both MCs are POC. Also interested in any comments on the MC’s response to her friend’s suicide.

 

[Sage]

#38 Crit


Hook:


Cierra Wu leaves work early one Tuesday to go to the movies as a distraction. There she meets David, and watching movies and making out with him soon becomes a weekly activity. They tell each other nothing personal, and only use their time together to forget about their real lives. She doesn’t even know his last name or what he does for a living.


But she values the escape from the pain of losing her best friend to suicide. A death which Cierra believes she could have prevented.


However, her relationship with David soon becomes more than an escape, and Cierra doesn’t know what to do, especially without her closest friend to turn to for advice.


First 750 words:


I hated that I found George Clooney attractive. It made me feel so damn unoriginal. Plus he was the same age as my dad, and that seemed sort of wrong. [ha, like the intro]


But I couldn’t help that I found the man easy on the eyes. So when I showed up at the discount movie theater one Tuesday afternoon in January, I quickly made my choice. The George Clooney drama that had opened in limited release at the end of December—clearly after Academy Award nominations—would serve as my distraction.


I purchased a “small” bag of popcorn that was large enough to feed a family, but no drink. I would not allow an emergency trip to the washroom to come between me and a man old enough to be my father. I took a seat in the third row from the back, right in the middle, and awaited the previews.


I should have been at work, of course. It was three o’clock, and I was supposed to be writing code to help people discover something with microscopic organisms that would…Hell, I had no idea. I was a code monkey; I knew little about the actual research.


But after two hours of hopelessly trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong, I had given up. It wasn’t going to happen. And since everyone was cutting me a little slack these days, given what had happened, I just left, and no one said a word. The movie theater sounded like the perfect distraction, so that’s where I went.


There was something about watching a movie on the big screen, rather than a computer or iPhone (it boggled my mind that people actually watched movies on their phones) [IMO, this slows things down and isn’t needed] that just transported me to another world. No matter how good a movie was, watching it in the loneliness of my living room just didn’t have the same effect. Jessica and I used to…[I like the little clues rather than blurting it out all at once. Smart, it builds curiosity.]


Well. The reason I was at the theater was to forget about Jessica.


I looked around as the lights dimmed. The theater was pretty empty, and no one else was sitting in my row. Awesome. I shoved a handful of popcorn into my mouth.


I enjoyed the previews, even though they were all for movies that looked hysterically bad. And finally…there was George Clooney. George was wearing a suit and walking by the water at night—not terribly original, I thought. But seeing as I was one of millions of women who found him attractive, I probably shouldn’t be complaining. Pot, kettle, black, or some such nonsense.


The camera zoomed in on the back of his head—I was more interested in his face—and followed him along, as though someone was walking behind him with a camera. And that someone sure didn’t have very steady hands.


I partially covered my eyes. Crap. This was going to be one of those shaky cam movies, wasn’t it?


I despised shaky cam. I’d heard it was done to give a movie an “intimate” feel. Yeah, right. More like it was done to give me an intimate relationship with the nearest toilet.


I was horribly prone to motion sickness. I’d thrown up in cars. In an airplane. After riding three different roller coasters at Wonderland. (Yes, that’s what it took for me to learn my lesson. I was a stubborn teenager.) In boats. And a couple times because of movies. Sometimes I even Googled the movie title and “motion sickness” before I went to the theater, just to see if other people had experienced problems, but seeing this movie had been a last minute decision.


I stared at the floor for a few seconds, then looked back at the screen. George Clooney’s head was still bouncing around. Shit. An attractive man like that at least deserved a tripod.


I was about to look down—really, it wasn’t worth making myself sick over the back of George’s head—when he started to turn towards the camera. And then I couldn’t look away because he was sporting some very attractive scruff. I really liked the look of a man who hadn’t shaved for a day. Or three.


Unfortunately, I only lasted a minute or two before I had to look at the floor again. I had some popcorn, hoping it would settle my stomach, and wondered how long I should tough it out.
I like your character already. She’s relatable, funny, but complex. I’m not sure how I feel about the words in “”, and I’d opt to get rid of them, but that’s simply preference. Also, the added info which has some entertainment value bogs down an otherwise smooth flow, so I’d nix that too (which I already marked). I like the hints to the tragedy rather than spelling it out. Good job!

 

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Only at the Movies

Hook:

Cierra Wu leaves work early one Tuesday to go to the movies as a distraction. [Might be worth saying from what up-front so it seems less impulsive.] There she meets David, and watching movies and making out with him soon becomes a weekly activity. They tell each other nothing personal, and only use their time together to forget about their real lives. She doesn’t even know his last name or what he does for a living.

But she values the escape from the pain of losing her best friend to suicide. A death which Cierra believes she could have prevented.

However, her relationship with David soon becomes more than an escape, and Cierra doesn’t know what to do, especially without her closest friend to turn to for advice. [I'm not quite feeling the conflict here -- I don't see anything that's actually holding her back from getting together with David more seriously besides some uncertainty.]

First 750 words:

I hated that I found George Clooney attractive. It made me feel so damn unoriginal. Plus he was the same age as my dad, and that seemed sort of wrong. [An entertaining beginning.]

But I couldn’t help that I found the man easy on the eyes. So when I showed up at the discount movie theater one Tuesday afternoon in January, I quickly made my choice. The George Clooney drama that had opened in limited release at the end of December—clearly after Academy Award nominations—would serve as my distraction.

I purchased a “small” bag of popcorn that was large enough to feed a family [grin], but no drink. I would not allow an emergency trip to the washroom to come between me and a man old enough to be my father. [Not sure this is the right point to bring up the age thing again. I'd rather she be determined to enjoy her uninterrupted viewing of someone she likes, not someone she has qualms about liking.] I took a seat in the third row from the back, right in the middle, and awaited the previews.

I should have been at work, of course. It was three o’clock, and I was supposed to be writing code to help people discover something with microscopic organisms that would…Hell, I had no idea. I was a code monkey; I knew little about the actual research. [I'm wincing a little at this, because in my own code monkey days, I've always made sure to figure out what the purpose of the code is, since there's often a more efficient implementation than what is specified. I do get how she's thoroughly disillusioned with work as a useful thing to do right now, though.]

But after two hours of hopelessly trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong, I had given up. It wasn’t going to happen. And since everyone was cutting me a little slack these days, given what had happened, I just left, and no one said a word. The movie theater sounded like the perfect distraction, so that’s where I went.

There was something about watching a movie on the big screen, rather than a computer or iPhone (it boggled my mind that people actually watched movies on their phones) [I thought the standard alternative would be a decent-sized TV?] that just transported me to another world. No matter how good a movie was, watching it in the loneliness of my living room just didn’t have the same effect. Jessica and I used to…

Well. The reason I was at the theater was to forget about Jessica. [Nice, how it comes up and she's determined to move on.]

I looked around as the lights dimmed. The theater was pretty empty, and no one else was sitting in my row. Awesome. [This is coming across as a bit sarcastic; not sure if that's intentional?] I shoved a handful of popcorn into my mouth.

I enjoyed the previews, even though they were all for movies that looked hysterically bad. And finally…there was George Clooney. George was wearing a suit and walking by the water at night—not terribly original, I thought. But seeing as I was one of millions of women who found him attractive, I probably shouldn’t be complaining. Pot, kettle, black, or some such nonsense. [Not sure you're setting up the idiom quite right here. It'd work for me if she were accusing the director of pandering to fandom, but instead the complaint is about unoriginality.]

The camera zoomed in on the back of his head—I was more interested in his face—and followed him along, as though someone was walking behind him with a camera. And that someone sure didn’t have very steady hands.

I partially covered my eyes. Crap. This was going to be one of those shaky cam movies, wasn’t it?

I despised shaky cam. I’d heard it was done to give a movie an “intimate” feel. Yeah, right. More like it was done to give me an intimate relationship with the nearest toilet. [grin]

I was horribly prone to motion sickness. I’d thrown up in cars. In an airplane. After riding three different roller coasters at Wonderland. (Yes, that’s what it took for me to learn my lesson. I was a stubborn teenager. [I actually find it interesting that she persisted despite her physical misery!]) In boats. And a couple times because of movies. Sometimes I even Googled the movie title and “motion sickness” before I went to the theater, just to see if other people had experienced problems, but seeing this movie had been a last minute [hyphenate] decision.

I stared at the floor for a few seconds, then looked back at the screen. George Clooney’s head was still bouncing around. Shit. An attractive man like that at least deserved a tripod. [grin]

I was about to look down—really, it wasn’t worth making myself sick over the back of George’s head [haha]—when he started to turn towards the camera. And then I couldn’t look away because he was sporting some very attractive scruff. I really liked the look of a man who hadn’t shaved for a day. Or three.

Unfortunately, I only lasted a minute or two before I had to look at the floor again. I had some popcorn, hoping it would settle my stomach, and wondered how long I should tough it out. [Ack, I just know she's going to encounter David soon...]

General comments:

This is genuinely entertaining; you've got just the right amount of biting wit and repressed grief. I couldn't help bonding with the narrator over shaky-cam dread and skepticism over designated popcorn sizes -- she just feels refreshingly real.

I had a little trouble fully understanding her reason for going to the movies. I actually would have bought it if she just ended up there after leaving work, but you say it's something about about not being lonely at home. I'm not sure if she usually watched movies with Jessica at her place, or she genuinely finds it comforting to have other people in the darkness and silence of the theater without being forced to interact with them, or she really does want the full audio-visual glory of a movie in a proper theater.

I get the sense that things are about to pick up right where this excerpt cuts off, which I hope is the case because, as much as I was amused by the growing struggle against nausea in order to get her Clooney fix, I don't think I'd want to spend much more time following the solo movie watching.

But overall, I'm in the sad position of nothing having much constructive to say in my crit. You've got a beautifully solid start here, with a clear, expressive voice. Good luck with this!

 

[Sage]

Critique for #38

My first impression is that there is too much unnecessary detail. I’m not really drawn in. There’s really too much time spent choosing the movie, eating popcorn, contemplating people watching movies on phones... Your hook mentions that she makes out with a man every time. Where is the man? I find the idea of her randomly making out with someone more interesting than what I see in this sample.

Also, the part about her job just doesn’t ring true to me. What kind of business does she work for that will just let her walk out in the middle of the afternoon regardless of the reason? And what kind of coding does she do? Code monkey is typically used for computer programmers, but I’m unclear what type of programmer would have anything to do with helping “people discover something with microscopic organisms.” Does her team work on software for science labs? Or is this some kind of DNA coding? Maybe it is because my husband is a programmer, but this whole paragraph just seemed off.

Overall, my advice is to cut a lot of the extra, mundane details. This character is supposed to be grieving, but I really don’t feel that. She just seems to be casually enjoying an afternoon at the movies. Show me her grief instead of just hinting at it. I want to feel emotionally invested in the character before I can buy that she’ll make out with some guy for weeks.