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Entry #24 - Beta Project 2014

Sage

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Manuscript Title: KINGLET
Manuscript Genre: Fantasy
Manuscript Word Count: 92,100
Is Manuscript finished? YES

Hook:

Kristan Gemeta has lost everything: his crown, his kingdom, his courage – even his name.

In the vast wilderness of the Exilwald, he’s known only as Kinglet, after a reclusive bird with a secret crown of red feathers. As long as Kristan keeps himself and his real identity hidden, he can elude the bounty hunters, brutal soldiers and terrifying spells of Daazna, the Wichelord who took his throne. But when a new band of pursuers comes looking for him, Kristan's wariness gives way to intrigue. For bounty hunters they’re oddly inept, and a young woman in their company is leaving enigmatic drawings everywhere they go. Kristan shadows the hunters through the Exilwald and discovers that they possess a secret that could give Kristan the chance to defeat Daazna and regain his name and his throne – but to obtain that secret, he must reveal his identity, at the risk of his life.

First 750 words:

The soldiers were shimmering again.

Daazna scowled. All fifty men stood on the deck of the ferryboat just as he had placed them, in a neat rank five across and ten deep. They held their pikes precisely upright and gazed obediently toward their destination, but in the waning moonlight their silhouettes gave off a faint, erratic glow.

Daazna out held both hands, as if balancing a book on his palms. "Ch’amoqaros," he whispered. "Fold, you sons of whores." He brought his hands together with a slap that echoed across the River Mor. The shivering light flickered and faded out.

"What’s the matter?" a harsh voice demanded. Daazna’s upper lip curled with contempt, but he controlled himself and faced Ravelin with an expression of bland courtesy.

"Nothing, my lord. An adjustment. Some are resisting, and I’ve reminded them of their duty."

"Resisting?" Ravelin's sharp features went tight with displeasure. "I thought you knew what you were doing, Wichieman."

Daazna flinched at the name, but kept his manner servile. "I do, my lord. But it's a complex spell and hard to maintain when a subject is unwilling."

"Magic," Ravelin muttered, and thumped one fist against the deck rail. "Not even children believe in magic these days, and yet I’ve put all my trust in it."

Daazna smiled. "Ah, children. Aren’t they the whole point?"

Ravelin glared at him. "I am king. When you address me, you call me ‘my lord.’"

"Of course, my lord. My apologies."

With a snort, Ravelin turned away. Daazna squinted toward the approaching shore. Even in the thin light, Fandrall’s meadows were lush and beautiful as they had been the day he had left nearly a dozen years before. He had been young then; young and creeping with shame. Cast out of the court on false charges, Daazna thought, and was startled at how the memory still festered.

It was a pity old Simeon had left Fandrall long ago and would not be present to witness his apprentice’s return; that would have added sauce to the dish of revenge. But Robert Gemeta still ruled Fandrall: Robert Gemeta, who had kindly, almost sorrowfully, expelled Daazna from the castle.

It must have been a great temptation, he’d said, sitting on his throne with his knights and courtiers in disinterested attendance. Only Simeon had really listened, his mouth grim and his brow furrowed, his hands resting protectively on the shoulders of the king’s little dark-eyed son.

Daazna ground his teeth as he remembered how he had revered Simeon; how he had struggled to impress the great Savárd with his thirst to learn, how he had snatched up each morsel of knowledge Simeon had grudgingly doled out, how desperately he had craved Simeon’s approval. But the Savárd had rebuffed Daazna's awkward teenaged admiration. All his attention had been focused on the king’s son, a mere child with a face still baby-soft and innocent. Simeon had even given the boy a precious scrying ball to play with, to play with, while Daazna had watched with hurt, hungry eyes and a resentful heart.

It must have been a great temptation, the Gemeta had said, holding the shining blue orb in the hollow of his hand and considering it. It’s a pretty thing, and shouldn’t have been left about. But we simply cannot have a thief in the castle. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I’m sure you must understand the situation. Then he had stepped down from the throne, his expression stern yet pitying, and had placed the ball in his son’s hands as he passed. In front of everyone, he had delivered the final blow to Daazna’s shattered pride: he had put one hand on Daazna’s shoulder and with the other, handed him a gold coin. Perhaps this will ease your journey onward, he’d said.

Without thinking, Daazna had closed his hand about the coin and stood numbed with disbelief as Robert Gemeta and Simeon and the rest of the court turned away, finished with him, the memory of him already slipping from their minds – all except the Gemeta’s son, who watched him with solemn eyes, the scrying ball cupped in his small hands. Daazna had slunk from the great hall and out of the keep, over the drawbridge, through the town and across the fields, seeing none of it.

What do you look for in a beta?:

I don't need a line by line, but if I make the same errors over and over I'd love to have them pointed out, along with plot holes, lapses in logic and anyplace where the reader's interest lags. Mostly, I want to know if these characters are intriguing enough that you'd want to read more about them. While I have pretty thick skin, I don't respond well to snark, so if that's your style we probably won't be a very good fit.
 

Sage

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#24, Kinglet, Critique

I'd have to say this is pretty damn solid. I didn't find really any errors grammar wise, but then again, I'm not a master of grammar so take that with a grain of salt. (Despite that though ((yeah, I know, the guy who just told you to take my advice with a grain of salt is now offering you grammar advice)), I would remove the comma in the sentence, "Even in the thin light, Fandrall's meadows were….; certain that is not necessary.)

From the sample given, it was definitely intriguing and well written; from the brief character interactions to the environment, my mind was transported to the world, and as always, that is a crucial step that any author needs to accomplish.
 

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[FONT=&quot]Okay, I should mention that I don’t eat, sleep and breathe fantasy. I am your more casual fantasy reader so my critique will be in a more general sense.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Also, I feel I should mention my critiquing experience is not very vast. So this crit should be taken with a grain of salt. If it seems helpful feel free to take my advice. If I am no help then I apologize and you should move on. That being said I will be doing my absolute best to try and help you.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]This is how this is going to work, I copy and pasted your first 750 words and when I see something I can lend my input on, I’ll chime in.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The soldiers were shimmering again.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Shimmering[/FONT][FONT=&quot], had to look that word up. Means to [/FONT][FONT=&quot]shine with a soft tremulous light[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Still not exactly sure what that means. My problem, not yours. The problem I have is I like to understand what I read. And perhaps I have a limited vocabulary, but I usually don’t like to look up words when I’m in the middle of the paragraph.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Daazna scowled. All fifty men stood on the deck of the ferryboat just as he had placed them, in a neat rank five across and ten deep. They held their pikes precisely upright and gazed obediently toward their destination, but in the waning moonlight their silhouettes gave off a faint, erratic glow.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Daazna, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]interesting name. Not sure on the pronunciation. On one hand, I like it. It’s unique and different. Something you don’t see every day. On the other hand, I don’t usually like names I can’t pronounce. Ruling: I’ll let it slide for now.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Daazna out held both hands, as if balancing a book on his palms. "Ch’amoqaros," he whispered. "Fold, you sons of whores." He brought his hands together with a slap that echoed across the River Mor. The shivering light flickered and faded out.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Ch’amoqaros? I have no idea what language this is. And neither does Google Translate. I personally like being able to read and understand the words in the books I read.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What’s the matter?" a harsh voice demanded. Daazna’s upper lip curled with contempt, but he controlled himself and faced Ravelin with an expression of bland courtesy[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Nothing, my lord. An adjustment. Some are resisting, and I’ve reminded them of their duty."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Resisting?" Ravelin's sharp features went tight with displeasure. "I thought you knew what you were doing, Wichieman."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Daazna flinched at the name, but kept his manner servile. "I do, my lord. But it's a complex spell and hard to maintain when a subject is unwilling."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Magic," Ravelin muttered, and thumped one fist against the deck rail. "Not even children believe in magic these days, and yet I’ve put all my trust in it."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Daazna smiled. "Ah, children. Aren’t they the whole point?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Ravelin glared at him. "I am king. When you address me, you call me ‘my lord.’"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Of course, my lord. My apologies."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]With a snort, Ravelin turned away. Daazna squinted toward the approaching shore. Even in the thin light, Fandrall’s meadows were lush and beautiful as they had been the day he had left nearly a dozen years before. He had been young then; young and creeping with shame. Cast out of the court on false charges, Daazna thought, and was startled at how the memory still festered.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What bothers me about this is the quick change of pace. One paragraph ago he was being belittled by his boss and now he is going on about the grass?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It was a pity old Simeon had left Fandrall long ago and would not be present to witness his apprentice’s return; that would have added sauce to the dish of revenge. But Robert Gemeta still ruled Fandrall: Robert Gemeta, who had kindly, almost sorrowfully, expelled Daazna from the castle.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I thought Robert Gemeta was the MC in the hook, but I went back and reread it. He’s not the main character. Kristan Gemeta is. Who I must assume is the son. I was going to mention something about this being a little late to introduce the MC. But that’s not even him yet. The thing is if you’re going to use a slow pace like you are, you should introduce your MC in the first couple pages.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It must have been a great temptation, he’d said, sitting on his throne with his knights and courtiers in disinterested attendance. Only Simeon had really listened, his mouth grim and his brow furrowed, his hands resting protectively on the shoulders of the king’s little dark-eyed son.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Daazna ground his teeth as he remembered how he had revered Simeon; how he had struggled to impress the great Savárd with his thirst to learn, how he had snatched up each morsel of knowledge Simeon had grudgingly doled out, how desperately he had craved Simeon’s approval. But the Savárd had rebuffed Daazna's awkward teenaged admiration. All his attention had been focused on the king’s son, a mere child with a face still baby-soft and innocent. Simeon had even given the boy a precious scrying ball to play with, to play with, while Daazna had watched with hurt, hungry eyes and a resentful heart.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It must have been a great temptation, the Gemeta had said, holding the shining blue orb in the hollow of his hand and considering it. It’s a pretty thing, and shouldn’t have been left about. But we simply cannot have a thief in the castle. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I’m sure you must understand the situation. Then he had stepped down from the throne, his expression stern yet pitying, and had placed the ball in his son’s hands as he passed. In front of everyone, he had delivered the final blow to Daazna’s shattered pride: he had put one hand on Daazna’s shoulder and with the other, handed him a gold coin. Perhaps this will ease your journey onward, he’d said.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Without thinking, Daazna had closed his hand about the coin and stood numbed with disbelief as Robert Gemeta and Simeon and the rest of the court turned away, finished with him, the memory of him already slipping from their minds – all except the Gemeta’s son, who watched him with solemn eyes, the scrying ball cupped in his small hands. Daazna had slunk from the great hall and out of the keep, over the drawbridge, through the town and across the fields, seeing none of it[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I’m not sure if this was just me, but when I was younger I was taught that you only use the word and at the very most once in a sentence.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]IN CLOSING[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The hook made me want to read it. But the first two pages didn’t make me want to lock myself away in my office with the book, but it also didn’t make me want to throw it in the fire pit.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Sorry if I came off as too harsh or snarky. That’s not what I was trying to do. I was trying to help. Like I said at the top, if you think any of my criticisms were helpful go ahead and take my advice. Conversely, if I was no help whatsoever, I apologize and you should go with your instincts.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I wish the best to you and Kinglet.[/FONT]
 

Sage

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Hook:


Kristan Gemeta has lost everything: his crown, his kingdom, his courage – even his name.

In the vast wilderness of the Exilwald, he’s known only as Kinglet, after a reclusive bird with a secret crown of red feathers. As long as Kristan keeps himself and his real identity hidden, he can elude the bounty hunters, brutal soldiers and terrifying spells of Daazna, the Wichelord who took his throne. But when a new band of pursuers comes looking for him, Kristan's wariness gives way to intrigue. For bounty hunters they’re oddly inept, and a young woman in their company is leaving enigmatic drawings everywhere they go. Kristan shadows the hunters through the Exilwald and discovers that they possess a secret that could give Kristan the chance to defeat Daazna and regain his name and his throne – but to obtain that secret, he must reveal his identity, at the risk of his life.


Hook is clear and concise. Nothing tripped me up, and I was easily able to understand the gist of what the novel is about. The stakes don't feel super high, but I'm going to assume that's because you stopped at the first major conflict instead of revealing what happens with the “defeat Daazna and regain his name and his throne” storyline (which sounds like quite a fun ride despite not being a totally original premise in high fantasy).

First 750 words:

The soldiers were shimmering again. [After having read through the whole piece, I wanted to come back and make some more comments about the opening. So, this isn't bad, but it's tough because I don't know right away that this is a bad thing—I don't have any indication, really, of what it means. I'm not sure if that's even a problem or not, because I was able to figure it out a few paragraphs later when some context came into play, but it might be something for you to think about tweaking.]

Daazna scowled. All fifty men stood on the deck of the ferryboat just as he had placed them, in a neat rank five across and ten deep. They held their pikes precisely upright and gazed obediently toward their destination, but in the waning moonlight their silhouettes gave off a faint, erratic glow.

Daazna out held both hands, as if balancing a book on his palms. "Ch’amoqaros," he whispered. "Fold, you sons of whores." He brought his hands together with a slap that echoed across the River Mor. The shivering light flickered and faded out. [I quite liked this. It felt very ominous, powerful, dark. I immediately get the feeling that this guy has the personality of a black thundercloud.]

"What’s the matter?" a harsh voice demanded. Daazna’s upper lip curled with contempt, but he controlled himself and faced Ravelin [I think I would have liked it better if we got an upfront note about who this guy is. Either “King Ravelin” or “Ravelin—king of suchandsuch—” (the latter of which might help you retain that sort of disdainful regard Daazna seems to have for him.]with an expression of bland courtesy.

"Nothing, my lord. An adjustment. Some are resisting, and I’ve reminded them of their duty."

"Resisting?" Ravelin's sharp features went tight with displeasure. "I thought you knew what you were doing, Wichieman."

Daazna flinched at the name, but kept his manner servile. "I do, my lord. But it's a complex spell and hard to maintain when a subject is unwilling."

"Magic," Ravelin muttered, and thumped one fist against the deck rail. "Not even children believe in magic these days, and yet I’ve put all my trust in it."

Daazna smiled. "Ah, children. Aren’t they the whole point?"

Ravelin glared at him. "I am king. When you address me, you call me ‘my lord.’" [Of course it totally depends on the culture you've created, but “my lord” isn't usually used for someone as highborn as a king. Depending on the culture/religion/stuff like that, it might be “Your Grace” or “Your Serene Highness” or “Your Imperial Majesty”. I also think it should be capitalized. In any case, “my lord” doesn't feel like a powerful or respectful enough form of address to me, so perhaps think about it.]

"Of course, my lord. My apologies."

With a snort, Ravelin turned away. Daazna squinted toward the approaching shore. Even in the thin light, Fandrall’s meadows were lush and beautiful as they had been the day he had left nearly a dozen years before. He had been young then; young and creeping with shame. Cast out of the court on false charges, Daazna thought, and was startled at how the memory still festered. [I don't quite buy this. Maybe it's just the word choice, but if a feeling has festered that suggests it's nagged at him the whole time, at least underneath the surface. Always there, something he'd be aware of even if not consciously thinking about it. To be startled would suggest that he'd buried the memory, but upon thinking about it again after all this time it still hurt.]

It was a pity old Simeon had left Fandrall long ago and would not be present to witness his apprentice’s return; that would have added sauce to the dish of revenge. But Robert Gemeta still ruled Fandrall: Robert Gemeta, who had kindly, almost sorrowfully, expelled Daazna from the castle.

It must have been a great temptation, he’d said, sitting on his throne with his knights and courtiers in disinterested attendance. Only Simeon had really listened, his mouth grim and his brow furrowed, his hands resting protectively on the shoulders of the king’s little dark-eyed son. [I am feeling at this point that I'm swimming in name soup, a little bit. There are a lot of proper nouns already within the first couple of pages, and since I haven't had a chance to really ground myself with them yet it's starting to feel a little tough to remember. So, is Daazna both Simeon's apprentice and Robert Gemeta's son? Or is the dark-eyed son someone else?]

Daazna ground his teeth as he remembered how he had revered Simeon; how he had struggled to impress the great Savárd with his thirst to learn, how he had snatched up each morsel of knowledge Simeon had grudgingly doled out, how desperately he had craved Simeon’s approval. But the Savárd [this one's got me at a loss. Name, or title? Why flipping between it and Simeon?] had rebuffed Daazna's awkward teenaged admiration. All his[Daazna's, or Simeon's?] attention had been focused on the king’s son, a mere child with a face still baby-soft and innocent. Simeon had even given the boy a precious scrying ball to play with, to play with, while Daazna had watched with hurt, hungry eyes and a resentful heart. [Nice.]

It must have been a great temptation, the Gemeta [why the Gemeta? I thought it was his surname?]had said, holding the shining blue orb in the hollow of his hand and considering it. It’s a pretty thing, and shouldn’t have been left about. But we simply cannot have a thief in the castle. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I’m sure you must understand the situation. Then he had stepped down from the throne, his expression stern yet pitying, and had placed the ball in his son’s hands as he passed. In front of everyone, he had delivered the final blow to Daazna’s shattered pride: he had put one hand on Daazna’s shoulder and with the other, handed him a gold coin. Perhaps this will ease your journey onward, he’d said.

Without thinking, Daazna had closed his hand about the coin and stood numbed with disbelief as Robert Gemeta and Simeon and the rest of the court turned away, finished with him, the memory of him already slipping from their minds – all except the Gemeta’s son, who watched him with solemn eyes, the scrying ball cupped in his small hands. Daazna had slunk from the great hall and out of the keep, over the drawbridge, through the town and across the fields, seeing none of it.

Notes: Very nicely written! I enjoyed reading this. The only thing that disappointed me some was that the hook told me the story's about Kristan, but the opening pages were about Daazna. This is a prologue, I'm assuming?


As I stated, it also felt a bit name-soupy, which was the only thing that felt a bit unclear. The majority of the writing was very clear, well-polished, with a few really striking, impressive moments. Well done :)
 

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[FONT=&quot]Entry 24[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Comments[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I was intrigued by the hook, but was sorry to see nothing of it in the sample, honestly.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]While the first line "The soldiers were shimmering again" did its job nicely--it made me want to read the next line--the fact that I quickly was swept into back story was disappointing and, frankly, a little boring.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It took re-reading the Hook to realizing that the POV character wasn't that of the hero (sorry--I don't pick up well on names after one pass), so it seems to me that you're attempting to draw some sympathy for the villain. Is that right? But it still makes me wonder, since the Hook says "terrifying spells of Daazna" and Daazna utterly fails and makes excuses the very first time we see him do magic, so he doesn't seem all that terrifying--which tells me he's not a powerful counter for our hero when we meet him.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Despite all this, I'm still curious about the story described in the Hook, and would probably keep reading despite the back story opening. It would just have to start pulling together by the end of the first chapter or I'd put it down for the next book on the pile.[/FONT]
 

mrsmig

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All these crits were so helpful - constructive and yet encouraging (not harsh or snarky at all).

If I could thank each of you personally and give you rep points, I would. And once again, Sage, thank you for all your hard work organizing the project.
 

Bing Z

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The writing is smooth and solid (of course.)

My biggest question is why start here with the antagonists. Is Daazna one of the MCs? An interesting setup. But since he comes with a voice and depth, you may be risking people start rooting for him before Kristan shows up. BTW the naming of Robert Gemeta seems a little forced. He is the only people so far with a full name.

Anyway, the first several paragraphs outlines the relationship he has with Ravelin and introduces some tension. Nice. But before tension materializes or something interesting/bad happens, it slips into Daazna's backstory and name soup. May not be enough hook to carry through this part.

Hope this helps.
 

mrsmig

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Thanks, Bing. I appreciate your input.