Entry #22 (YA F) - Beta Project 2022

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: The Handmaid’s Fairy Tale
Manuscript Genre: Young Adult Fantasy / Fairy Tale Retelling
Manuscript Word Count: ~35,000
Is your manuscript finished?: Y
Any trigger warnings?: None

Hook:
Gemma Warwick will do anything for Princess Mayella: serve her, protect her, challenge an invading army for her and escort her safely from her falling capital to her betrothed’s kingdom. When a river monster steals Gemma’s body and traps her in the water’s reflection, the only thing on her mind is getting her body back before anything worse happens to Mayella.

Luckily, Gemma drifts into the hands of a sympathetic witch who lends her her body. It aches, and it has strange powers Gemma doesn't know how to use, but it'll do. The journey back to Mayella is dangerous. Invaders are scouring the countryside for the princess, and monsters lie in wait to lure wayward wanderers to their doom. Gemma dares them to try and stop her. She’s a witch now, kind of, and if there’s anything everyone knows, it’s just how dangerous a witch with a goal can be.

First 750 words:

Once upon a time, a kingdom fell.

It had not been a strong kingdom. Military might had never been a concern of theirs. The king preferred peaceful methods of negotiation and believed in the goodness of even his enemies. Knights and soldiers seemed an unnecessary expense. Unfortunately, not all men are so kindly, and the day came when invaders battered the gates and stones bombarded the walls. The peasants attempted to protect their king and kingdom, but against armed and trained soldiers, it only resulted in a massacre. The walls collapsed, the doors were beaten in, and in the palace, the princess and her handmaiden fled.

“This way!” the handmaiden, Gemma, called, waving her lady onward. The walls trembled around them as the catapults continued their assault. If they stayed, they’d be crushed for sure, but Gemma knew a safe place where they could lie in wait for the attack to end. First, they had to get there, and the princess, in Gemma’s opinion, wasn’t in half as much a rush as she should have been.

Despite Gemma’s very loud objections, the princess had removed her shoes some ways back because they were pinching her feet. Now she carefully stepped over fallen rocks and around broken glass, carrying her shoes while Gemma carried a small sword. Gemma was prepared to die for her princess. At this rate, she expected to.

“Princess, please, put your shoes on and come on!”

“But Gemma, I can’t run in them!”

“You’re not running out of them either! Forgive me for yelling but we don’t have time!”

The princess looked at the path ahead as the walls shuddered again. Then she dropped her shoes, pursed her lips, and ran to catch up with Gemma, leaving bloody footprints behind.

“You’ve very brave, Princess. I’ll bind your feet when we get to the cellar,” Gemma said, taking the princess’s hand. “We must hurry. We’re almost there.”

Far away, something crashed. It sounded like splintering wood. Most likely, the invaders had broken down the door, or perhaps a boulder had broken through the wall and destroyed the royal dining table in the process. Either way, it meant the Bastillans had a way in. Time was running out.

As Gemma turned a corner, she stopped cold and held an arm out to stop the princess from progressing.

“Princess, turn back. We’ll find another way.”

“Didn’t you say we were almost there? What-?” Despite Gemma’s best attempts to block the hall, the princess managed to peer around the corner.

The queen laid on the ground, blood pooling from under the collapsed castle wall that pinned her down.

Gemma managed to cover the princess’s mouth before the scream drew unwanted attention, but it was enough for the queen to hear. The wounded woman managed to raise her head.

“Mayella,” she whispered, blood dripping from her mouth.

“Mother,” the princess sobbed. Gemma kept an eye on the path behind them while the princess knelt beside her mother. “Gemma, do something!”

“There’s nothing I can do, Princess. Forgive me.”

“She’s right,” the queen said. “It’s too late for me, but not for you. Flee to Cindara. Find your prince.” One of the queen’s hands was free, and she managed to hold out a handkerchief stained with three drops of blood and press it into the princess’s hands. “Keep this safe. Keep it with you always, and no harm will come to you. I will protect you. This I swear.”

Sounds from down the hall behind them caught Gemma’s attention as the clank of metal armor echoed closer. She backed towards the royal pair. “Princess, we must go. Now.”

“But we have this blessing,” she said. “Can’t I stay with my mother?”

“Go,” the queen whispered. “I cannot save you from everything.”

“No, Mother!”

“We don’t have time!” Gemma grabbed the princess’s wrist and yanked her to her feet. “If we stay, we all die!”

“No!”

“Down here!” someone yelled. “I hear someone this way!”

Gemma just managed to get the princess moving before they were caught. Mayella wasn’t the brightest girl in the palace, but she knew enough to stay dignified and quiet when huddled behind an intact curtain. Once Gemma was satisfied the soldiers were gone, she led them to a door in the servant’s quarters that led into a lesser-used cellar. The soldiers would celebrate their victory with wine and the rich food reserved for the royal family, not the candles and scraps that were kept here.

What do you look for in a beta?

This is a retelling of The Goose Girl from the perspective of the handmaid, with elements of other classic tales mixed in. I’m looking to make sure the story flows smoothly, is enjoyable to fans of fairy tales, and that the romance is believable.

 

[Sage]

#22

First 750 words:

Once upon a time, a kingdom fell. Great first line!

It had not been a strong kingdom. Military might had never been a concern of theirs. The king preferred peaceful methods of negotiation and believed in the goodness of even his enemies. Knights and soldiers seemed an unnecessary expense. Unfortunately, not all men are were so kindly, and the day came when invaders battered the gates and stones bombarded the walls. The peasants attempted to protect their king and kingdom, but against armed and trained soldiers, it only resulted in a massacre I think I may change this to: …king and kingdom; but against armed and trained soldiers, the result was a massacre. The walls collapsed, the doors were beaten in, and in the palace, the princess and her handmaiden fled the palace.

“This way!” the handmaiden, Gemma maybe consider switching to Gemma, the handmaiden, called, waving her lady onward. The walls trembled around them as the catapults continued their assault. If they stayed, they’d be crushed for sure, but Gemma knew a safe place where they could lie in wait for the attack to end. First, they had to get there, and the princess, in Gemma’s opinion, wasn’t in half as much a rush as she should have been.

Despite Gemma’s very loud objections, the princess had removed her shoes some ways back because they were pinching her feet. Now she carefully stepped over fallen rocks and around broken glass, carrying her shoes while Gemma carried a small sword. Gemma was prepared to die for her princess. At this rate, she expected to.

“Princess, please, put your shoes on and come on!”

“But Gemma, I can’t run in them!”

“You’re not running out of them either! Forgive me for yelling but we don’t have time!”

The princess looked at the path ahead as the walls shuddered again. Then she dropped her shoes, pursed her lips, and ran to catch up with Gemma, leaving bloody footprints behind.

“You’ve very brave, Princess. I’ll bind your feet when we get to the cellar,” Gemma said, taking the princess’s hand. “We must hurry. We’re almost there.”

Far away, something crashed. It sounded like splintering wood. Most likely, the invaders had broken down the door, or perhaps a boulder had broken through the wall and destroyed the royal dining table in the process. Either way, it meant the Bastillans had a way in. Time was running out.

As Gemma turned a corner, she stopped cold and held an arm out to stop the princess from progressing.

“Princess, turn back. We’ll find another way.”

“Didn’t you say we were almost there? What-?” Despite Gemma’s best attempts to block the hall, the princess managed to peer around the corner.

The queen laid on the ground, blood pooling from under the collapsed castle wall that pinned her down.

Gemma managed to cover the princess’s mouth before the scream drew unwanted attention, but it was enough for the queen to hear. The wounded woman managed to raise her head.

“Mayella,” she whispered, blood dripping from her mouth.

“Mother,” the princess sobbed. Gemma kept an eye on the path behind them while the princess knelt beside her mother. “Gemma, do something!”

“There’s nothing I can do, Princess. Forgive me.”

“She’s right,” the queen said. “It’s too late for me, but not for you. Flee to Cindara. Find your prince.” One of the queen’s hands was free, and she managed to hold out a handkerchief stained with three drops of blood and press it into the princess’s hands. “Keep this safe. Keep it with you always, and no harm will come to you. I will protect you. This I swear.”

Sounds from down the hall behind them caught Gemma’s attention as the clank of metal armor echoed closer. She backed towards the royal pair. “Princess, we must go. Now.”

“But we have this blessing,” she said. “Can’t I stay with my mother?”

“Go,” the queen whispered. “I cannot save you from everything.”

“No, Mother!”

“We don’t have time!” Gemma grabbed the princess’s wrist and yanked her to her feet. “If we stay, we all die!”

“No!”

“Down here!” someone yelled. “I hear someone this way!”

Gemma just managed to get the princess moving before they were caught. Mayella wasn’t the brightest girl in the palace, but she knew enough to stay dignified and quiet when huddled behind an intact curtain. Once Gemma was satisfied the soldiers were gone, she led them to a door in the servant’s quarters that led into a lesser-used cellar. The soldiers would celebrate their victory with wine and the rich food reserved for the royal family, not the candles and scraps that were kept here.

Intriguing beginning. I have to say that the writing feels a little stilted, but that could be because you’re being very proper and using a classic fairy-tale style of writing. Otherwise, I think it’s good. The part with the queen is quite good, as is the last paragraph. One other thing: based on what I’ve read so far, I would say that Gemma doesn’t think very highly of the princess, and doesn’t seem to even like her much. She says she would die for her, and stuff like that, but from the tone of the writing it would definitely be because she’s duty-bound to protect, not because she really cares one way or the other.

 

[Sage]

Entry #22

Manuscript Title: The Handmaid’s Fairy Tale
Manuscript Genre: Young Adult Fantasy / Fairy Tale Retelling
Manuscript Word Count: ~35,000
Is your manuscript finished?: Y

35K is a novella. YA fantasy is more than double that.

Hook:

Gemma Warwick will do anything for Princess Mayella this is perfectly fine, but it's not a line that screams "capable female character": serve her, protect her, challenge an invading army for her and escort her safely from her falling capital to her betrothed’s kingdom. Likewise, this is a list. A fun list, but a list. I have no idea which is important or why. When a river monster steals Gemma’s body and traps her in the water’s reflection, the only thing on her mind is getting her body back before anything worse happens to Mayella. And here's where your story starts.

You don't even need Mayella here, I think. The problem is very much Gemma's--it's her body's been trapped. None of the invading armies or falling capitals have anything to do with that, at least on an apparent level. They're circumstance, not story.

Luckily, Gemma drifts very passive, though I suppose appropriately disembodied into the hands of a sympathetic witch who lends her her body. It aches, and it has strange powers Gemma doesn't know how to use, but it'll do. For what, though? The journey back to Mayella is dangerous. Invaders are scouring the countryside for the princess, and monsters lie in wait to lure wayward wanderers to their doom. Okay, but what about Gemma? Why would she even want to go back? Gemma dares them to try and stop her. Why would they? Is the witch wanted? She’s a witch now, kind of, and if there’s anything everyone knows, it’s just how dangerous a witch with a goal can be. If only she had a [heart/brain/courage/goal].

The first--and only--thing I look for in a fairy-tale retelling is how active the female MC is.

I know Gemma's active and doing things here, but everything she does is framed through someone else, someone more powerful than her. I'm not actually sure which fairy-tale you're retelling here, and if you use that label I probably should be, but I always have time for stories about the overlooked people around complex situations, who aren't princesses but instead avert or spin those tropes around.

Find what makes the story distinct and pitch that. The actual plot events are cool and straight out of fairy-tale magic, but I need to connect to Gemma on a character level, which means goal/motivation/conflict.


First 750 words:

Once upon a time, a kingdom fell.

It had not been a strong kingdom. Military might had never been a concern of theirs. The king preferred peaceful methods of negotiation and believed in the goodness of even his enemies. Knights and soldiers seemed an unnecessary expense. Unfortunately, not all men are so kindly, and the day came when invaders battered the gates and stones bombarded the walls. The peasants attempted to protect their king and kingdom, but against armed and trained soldiers, it only resulted in a massacre. The walls collapsed, the doors were beaten in, and in the palace, the princess and her handmaiden fled. This is a wall o' text thick enough to keep out any reader.

It's also pointing me the wrong way so that even when I get through it, I'm getting a story about the king and his brave peasants. I'm potentially interested in that story. What princess?

“This way!” the handmaiden, Gemma, called, waving her lady onward. The walls trembled around them as the catapults continued their assault. If they stayed, they’d be crushed for sure, but Gemma knew a safe place where they could lie in wait for the attack to end. First, they had to get there, and the princess, in Gemma’s opinion, wasn’t in half as much a rush as she should have been. I am struggling with catapults punching holes in walls and massacred defenders and a princess not in a rush.

Despite Gemma’s very loud objections, the princess had removed her shoes some ways back because they were pinching her feet. Now she carefully stepped over fallen rocks and around broken glass, carrying her shoes while Gemma carried a small sword. Gemma was prepared to die for her princess. At this rate, she expected to. Good line, and probably all you really need to establish everything you just told me.

Yeah, the trope is played with a bit because it's the handmaiden we're focused on, but the princess here is still being a Princess, and I'm not that interested to read princess stories played straight. Coming out of your query/hook, focused as much on Mayella and Gemma's loyalty to her, you lose me, because I don't buy why she'd be willing to die for this woman.

“Princess, please, put your shoes on and come on!” If she's wearing fancy shoes, the princess is right to take them off so she can run faster.

“But Gemma, I can’t run in them!”

“You’re not running out of them either! Forgive me for yelling but we don’t have time!”

The princess looked at the path ahead as the walls shuddered again. I'd like a more vivid detail than just shuddered, twice. You have a chance to put me inside a siege. Great opportunity for description than can convey exactly how it feels to watch your home crumble. Then she dropped her shoes, pursed her lips, and ran to catch up with Gemma, leaving bloody footprints behind.

“You’ve very brave, Princess. I’ll bind your feet when we get to the cellar,” Gemma said, taking the princess’s hand. “We must hurry. We’re almost there.”

I need a reason to care about Mayella if she's this important to Gemma. (But I'd really like more of Gemma.)

Far away, something crashed. It sounded like splintering wood. Most likely, the invaders had broken down the door, or perhaps a boulder had broken through the wall and destroyed the royal dining table in the process. If a rock just went through a wall, they can't hear a table breaking. Either way, it meant the Bastillans is this meant to evoke the French Revolution? Especially as the setting is flipped--the invading crowds are generally considered heroes had a way in. Time was running out.

As Gemma turned a corner, she stopped cold and held an arm out to stop the princess from progressing. Moments like these extol a cost on point-of-view--I'm not right there with Gemma, and am instead more in Mayella's position.

“Princess, turn back. We’ll find another way.”

“Didn’t you say we were almost there? What-?” Despite Gemma’s best attempts to block the hall, the princess managed to peer around the corner.

The queen laid on the ground, blood pooling from under the collapsed castle wall that pinned her down.

Gemma managed to cover the princess’s mouth before the scream drew unwanted attention, but it was enough for the queen to hear. The wounded woman managed to raise her head. I don't entirely buy that she's crushed by a wall and still talking, but it's the kind of thing I can overlook if the pacing is quick enough and the exchange is purposeful.

“Mayella,” she whispered, blood dripping from her mouth.

“Mother,” the princess sobbed. Gemma kept an eye on the path behind them while the princess knelt beside her mother. “Gemma, do something!”

“There’s nothing I can do, Princess. Forgive me.”

“She’s right,” the queen said. “It’s too late for me, but not for you. This feels rather wooden. Flee to Cindara. Find your prince.” One of the queen’s hands was free, and she managed to hold out a handkerchief stained with three drops of blood and press it into the princess’s hands. “Keep this safe. Keep it with you always, and no harm will come to you. I will protect you. This I swear.” Last bit is nice.

Sounds from down the hall behind them caught Gemma’s attention as the clank of metal armor echoed closer. She backed towards the royal pair. “Princess, we must go. Now.”

I'd like some idea where they're going, and even why, though the incursion is an obvious immediate reason. There's a bit of "As you know, Bob," in the dialogue, moving the story along where Gemma's POV is probably a better vehicle since she seems to know what she's about.

“But we have this blessing,” she said. “Can’t I stay with my mother?”

“Go,” the queen whispered. “I cannot save you from everything.” This somewhat undercuts the promise. Promises like this in fairy-tales mean something--they're usually Chekhov's Guns. Even if it doesn't come back, it might be more effective not to undercut that so soon, so as to keep me curious.

“No, Mother!”

“We don’t have time!” Gemma grabbed the princess’s wrist and yanked her to her feet. “If we stay, we all die!”

“No!”

This is all filler dialgoue, and so the pace slows. I know it's an urgent scene and the queen's dying so Mayella's reaction is believable enough, but that urgency is all the more reason to skip it. You can report this more efficiently and more evocatively in narration--give the dying queen one good description and Mayella one good reaction; ideally, I see both through Gemma's eyes because I'm much more curious how she reacts to the death of a monarch.

“Down here!” someone yelled. “I hear someone this way!”

Gemma just managed to get the princess moving before they were caught. I want to understand conflict, motivation, pathos, through Gemma's eyes. Instead, Mayella's described as an inanimate, immobile object. Mayella wasn’t the brightest girl in the palace, but she knew enough to stay dignified and quiet when huddled behind an intact curtain. Once Gemma was satisfied the soldiers were gone, she led them to a door in the servant’s quarters that led into a lesser-used cellar. The soldiers would celebrate their victory with wine and the rich food reserved for the royal family, not the candles and scraps that were kept here. This is clever. I like Gemma's resourcefulness.

---

Plot-wise, I quite like this. There's a lot going on, but it's all immediate, it's obvious tension, there's a need to escape and an impediment to doing that, however much I cringe at the princess.

Tension does not necessarily equate conflict. Conflict lives in character. The character can derive from plot or the plot from the character, but conflict is where the two meet, because it's always, at some level, irreconcilable, at least until a character goes on a journey. That's fairy-tales, always on the boundary of what can and cannot be reckoned with, truisms and the unknown forces of existence.

The conflict in this scene, so far as it exists--Mayella's mother is dying; Gemma has to decide whether to stay or go--is all subsumed by immediate details, costing me any chance to understand why these choices are being made. If I had a strong sense of their need to escape and the reasons why I'd probably be fine just rushing through the siege. I suspect that's part of what you're trying to do with your info-dump, but it's less about the plot situation and more about the dramatic situation; i.e., character. You can also use minor details in the moment to give me little pieces of motivation and establish a strong point-of-view so that I get Gemma in the midst of a siege, rather than just a handmaid and a princess.

I've read that story before. You're retelling it, but putting a fresh spin. I need some sense of that beyond just moving a few roles around. I need a reason to spend a book with Gemma, even if I think she's resourceful and quick-witted. I really need her point-of-view, which isn't strongly present in this opening.

 

[Sage]

Crit of #22, whoot!

The walls collapsed, the doors were beaten in, and in the palace, the princess and her handmaiden fled.

This isn't my favorite opening. I think I get what you're trying to do - set the scene while also emulating the standard telling of a fairy tale. But, I guess, to me it seems sort of dry, if that makes any sense? I almost feel like I'd prefer either to leap into action, or have a description of the world, or something that feels a bit less dated. (I guess my worry is that if I opened a book that started this way and started reading, I'd probably put it down before getting to the "good bits" as I'd go, "oh, I see, boring omniscient fairy tale retelling..." Which from reading father in your story is very clearly not what you're doing.)

“This way!” the handmaiden, Gemma, called, waving her lady onward. The walls trembled around them as the catapults continued their assault. If they stayed, they’d be crushed for sure, but Gemma knew a safe place where they could lie in wait for the attack to end. First, they had to get there, and the princess, in Gemma’s opinion, wasn’t in half as much a rush as she should have been.

I like this last line.


Far away, something crashed. It sounded like splintering wood. Most likely, the invaders had broken down the door, or perhaps a boulder had broken through the wall and destroyed the royal dining table in the process. Either way, it meant the Bastillans had a way in. Time was running out.

I think, if you do end up omitting p1, it would be good about here to explain what they're running from. Just a line as to why these people are attacking, why they didn't just surrender, whatever.

“She’s right,” the queen said. “It’s too late for me, but not for you. Flee to Cindara. Find your prince.”

Who is this prince and what is hoped for from him?

Gemma just managed to get the princess moving before they were caught. Mayella wasn’t the brightest girl in the palace, but she knew enough to stay dignified and quiet when huddled behind an intact curtain. Once Gemma was satisfied the soldiers were gone, she led them to a door in the servant’s quarters that led into a lesser-used cellar. The soldiers would celebrate their victory with wine and the rich food reserved for the royal family, not the candles and scraps that were kept here.

I like this opening. It's action packed and gives the characters clear goals.

With that said, I'm curious about the long term goal of these characters. Short term, clearly, either they get out of the palace and escape or there's no story. So we know they escape. So that's not the story.

The story is whatever happens next, right? Now that they've escaped...now what do they want?

I think some sense as to what that greater goal is would really help to tie this to the greater novel, if that makes any sense.

 

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: The Handmaid’s Fairy Tale
Manuscript Genre: Young Adult Fantasy / Fairy Tale Retelling
Manuscript Word Count: ~35,000 Pretty short for a YA novel. I don't see a note that it's a novellete or anything.
Is your manuscript finished?: Y
Any trigger warnings?: None

Hook:
Gemma Warwick will do anything for Princess Mayella: serve her, protect her, challenge an invading army for her and escort her safely from her falling capital to her betrothed’s kingdom. (As one does.) When a river monster steals Gemma’s body and traps her in the water’s reflection, (Whoa, not what I expected from the Goose Girl. Cool.) the only thing on her mind is getting her body back before anything worse happens to Mayella.

Luckily, Gemma drifts into the hands of a sympathetic witch who lends her her body. It aches, and it has strange powers Gemma doesn't know how to use, but it'll do. The journey back to Mayella is dangerous. Invaders are scouring the countryside for the princess, and monsters lie in wait to lure wayward wanderers to their doom. Gemma dares them to try and stop her. She’s a witch now, kind of, and if there’s anything everyone knows, it’s just how dangerous a witch with a goal can be.

Super interesting, in that the handmaid here does seem pro- her princess, and certainly deviates from the original GG story quite a bit in the big elements here. I'm intrigued on how elements of the Goose Girl would be woven into the story presented here.

First 750 words:

Once upon a time, a kingdom fell.

It had not been a strong kingdom. Military might had never been a concern of theirs. The king preferred peaceful methods of negotiation and believed in the goodness of even his enemies. Knights and soldiers seemed an unnecessary expense. Unfortunately, not all men are so kindly, and the day came when invaders battered the gates and stones bombarded the walls. The peasants attempted to protect their king and kingdom, but against armed and trained soldiers, it only resulted in a massacre. The walls collapsed, the doors were beaten in, and in the palace, the princess and her handmaiden fled. (I'm down for this fairytale-ish opening so far, but hope we zoom in on the main characters soon. It's a rare YA that can get away with a fairytale feel (not out of the realm of possibility, but a little harder.)

“This way!” the handmaiden, Gemma, called, waving her lady onward. (So, we have zoomed in, but the "handmaiden" part of this makes us still feel like we're describing the story as we tell fairytales. Not quite YAey yet.) The walls trembled around them as the catapults continued their assault. If they stayed, they’d be crushed for sure, but Gemma knew a safe place where they could lie in wait for the attack to end. First, they had to get there, and the princess, in Gemma’s opinion, wasn’t in half as much a rush as she should have been.

Despite Gemma’s very loud objections, the princess had removed her shoes some ways back because they were pinching her feet. Now she carefully stepped over fallen rocks and around broken glass, carrying her shoes while Gemma carried a small sword. Gemma was prepared to die for her princess. At this rate, she expected to.

“Princess, please, put your shoes on and come on!”

“But(comma) Gemma, I can’t run in them!”

“You’re not running out of them either! Forgive me for yelling(comma) but we don’t have time!”

The princess looked at the path ahead as the walls shuddered again. Then she dropped her shoes, pursed her lips, and ran to catch up with Gemma, leaving bloody footprints behind.

“You’ve very brave, Princess. I’ll bind your feet when we get to the cellar,” Gemma said, taking the princess’s hand. “We must hurry. We’re almost there.”

Far away, something crashed. It sounded like splintering wood. Most likely, the invaders had broken down the door, or perhaps a boulder had broken through the wall and destroyed the royal dining table in the process. Either way, it meant the Bastillans had a way in. Time was running out.

As Gemma turned a corner, she stopped cold and held an arm out to stop the princess from progressing.

“Princess, turn back. We’ll find another way.”

“Didn’t you say we were almost there? What-?” Despite Gemma’s best attempts to block the hall, the princess managed to peer around the corner.

The queen laid on the ground, blood pooling from under the collapsed castle wall that pinned her down.

Gemma managed to cover the princess’s mouth before the scream drew unwanted attention, but it was enough for the queen to hear. The wounded woman managed to raise her head.

“Mayella,” she whispered, blood dripping from her mouth.

“Mother,” the princess sobbed. Gemma kept an eye on the path behind them while the princess knelt beside her mother. “Gemma, do something!”

“There’s nothing I can do, Princess. Forgive me.” (What I'm lacking in this scene is feeling from Gemma. The only hint I've gotten is exasperation over her princess's slowness and fealty to the princess (willing to die for her). Does she have no feeling for the loss of the queen? For her princess's mourning? Fear for the castle falling down or army coming in? We're not in Mayella's POV, but we're getting more emotion from her actions (even before she saw her mom) than from Gemma's.)

“She’s right,” the queen said. “It’s too late for me, but not for you. Flee to Cindara. Find your prince.” One of the queen’s hands was free, and she managed to hold out a handkerchief stained with three drops of blood (Goose Girl reference!) and press it into the princess’s hands. “Keep this safe. Keep it with you always, and no harm will come to you. I will protect you. This I swear.”

Sounds from down the hall behind them caught Gemma’s attention as the clank of metal armor echoed closer. She backed towards the royal pair. “Princess, we must go. Now.”

“But we have this blessing,” she said. “Can’t I stay with my mother?”

“Go,” the queen whispered. “I cannot save you from everything.”

“No, Mother!”

“We don’t have time!” Gemma grabbed the princess’s wrist and yanked her to her feet. “If we stay, we all die!”

“No!”

“Down here!” someone yelled. “I hear someone this way!” (I know this is a tense scene with lots of yelling and demanding, but consider whether all of these exclamation points are needed. The more you have, the less impact each one has.)

Gemma just managed to get the princess moving (I'd like to see her accomplish this, as it's stated as her victory and a second ago Mayella was resisting. Could be that Mayella saw the wisdom of leaving, but that detracts from Gemma's part in this action) before they were ("could be," since they weren't) caught. Mayella wasn’t the brightest girl in the palace, but she knew enough to stay dignified and quiet when huddled behind an intact curtain. Once Gemma was satisfied the soldiers were gone, she led them (probably this was meant to be "her" not "them," since she doesn't have to lead herself) to a door in the servant’s quarters that led (two uses of this word in one sentence. Can you rephrase?) into a lesser-used cellar. The soldiers would celebrate their victory with wine and the rich food reserved for the royal family, not the candles and scraps that were kept here.

We do seem to transition out of the fairytale storytelling mode during the course of the excerpt, though I can't quite say when it happens. Still, there is a little bit of distance kept from the reader that is unusual for YA. The fact that we don't know Gemma's thoughts or feelings keeps us at bay. I don't know how I feel about her calling Mayella "the princess" and "her princess" throughout, as it takes away from the immediacy we expect in YA, as well. Then again, it may be perfectly within Gemma's POV to keep that barrier between herself and Mayella (and I could easily see it being something she transitions out of).

I like that Gemma is proactive at every moment of this. She has agency right off the bat, and she doesn't need to battle anyone to prove it to the audience.

Considering how far the hook strayed from the GG, I was excited to see a reference right off the bat to clue the reader's who'd know in to what we're doing here!

 

[Sage]

Entry #22

Manuscript Title: The Handmaid’s Fairy Tale


First 750 words:

Once upon a time, a kingdom fell. [I like that this is set off by itself. Gives it more impact.]

It had not been a strong kingdom. Military might had never been a concern of theirs. [“might had never been” sounds weird. Is there any reason you can’t say “had never been”? It feels like you’re starting in omniscient anyway and an omniscient narrator would know.] The king preferred peaceful methods of negotiation [implying war is negotiation?] and believed in the goodness of even his [sounds weird, probably because you have so many parts to this] enemies. Knights and soldiers seemed an unnecessary expense. Unfortunately, not all men are so kindly, and the [feel like “a” works better than “the”] day came when invaders battered the gates [I feel like kingdoms generally don’t have gates, unless they have a Great Wall – at least, not ones that can’t just be walked around] and stones bombarded the walls. The peasants attempted to protect their king and kingdom, but against armed and trained soldiers, it only resulted in a massacre. The walls collapsed, the doors were beaten in, and in the palace, the princess and her handmaiden fled.

“This way!” the handmaiden, Gemma, called, waving her lady onward. The walls trembled around them as the catapults continued their assault. If they stayed, they’d be crushed for sure, [I mean, I know this is YA and fantasy so artistic liberties and all, but keeps tended to withstand bombardment well because most projectiles would hit a castle’s outer walls (rather than the keep itself) and even anything that hits a keep usually won’t do major structural damage. In fact, most sieges tended to involve starving out the defenders or sneaking somebody inside. Not that this is a detail most people would think about] but Gemma knew a safe place where they could lie in wait for the attack to end. First, they had to get there, and the princess, in Gemma’s opinion, wasn’t in half as much a rush as she should have been. [I feel like this is way too wordy and meandering for what might amount to an action sequence.]

Despite Gemma’s very loud objections, the princess had removed her shoes some ways back because they were pinching her feet. [Such a cute detail. Made me laugh.] Now she carefully stepped over fallen rocks and around broken glass, carrying her shoes while Gemma carried a small sword. Gemma was prepared to die for her princess. At this rate, she expected to.

“Princess, please, put your shoes on and come on!” [I feel like the sentence could be reworked to remove one of those “on”s]

“But Gemma, I can’t run in them!”

“You’re not running out of them either! [Like the response.] Forgive me for yelling but we don’t have time!”

The princess looked at the path ahead as the walls shuddered again. Then she dropped her shoes, pursed her lips, and ran to catch up with Gemma, leaving bloody footprints behind.

“You’ve very brave, Princess. I’ll bind your feet when we get to the cellar,” Gemma said, taking the princess’s hand. “We must hurry. We’re almost there.”

Far away, something crashed. It sounded like splintering wood. Most likely, the invaders had broken down the door, or perhaps a boulder had broken through the wall and destroyed the royal dining table in the process. Either way, it meant the Bastillans had a way in. Time was running out.

As Gemma turned a corner, she stopped cold and held an arm out to stop the princess from progressing.

“Princess, turn back. We’ll find another way.”

“Didn’t you say we were [we’re] almost there? What-?” Despite Gemma’s best attempts to block the hall, the princess managed to peer around the corner.

The queen laid [should be “lay” – it’s confusing, but “laid” is the past tense of “lay” whereas she’s lying and the past tense for lies/lying is, oddly enough, “lay”] on the ground, blood pooling from under the collapsed castle wall that pinned her down. [Describing it as a castle wall confused me in terms of the surroundings. Aren’t they inside a corridor? And if it’s just fallen debris, wouldn’t it have logically come from the ceiling rather than the wall? Otherwise, there’d likely be an object there from whatever penetrated the wall. And this is one flimsy castle.]

Gemma managed to cover the princess’s mouth before the scream drew unwanted attention, but it was enough for the queen to hear. The wounded woman managed to raise her head.

“Mayella,” she whispered, blood dripping from her mouth. [I feel like the detail could be expressed better – maybe with specificity or word choice? Just feels a little flat. However, you might be going for flat as a genre convention thing.]

“Mother,” the princess sobbed. Gemma kept an eye on the path behind them while the princess knelt beside her mother. “Gemma, do something!”

“There’s nothing I can do, Princess. Forgive me.” [Which somewhat begs the question why the queen was alone at all, considering you’d assume she’d have somebody with her as soon as stuff started going down.]

“She’s right,” the queen said. “It’s too late for me, but not for you. Flee to Cindara. Find your prince.” One of the queen’s hands was free, and she managed to hold out a handkerchief stained with three drops of blood and press it into the princess’s hands. “Keep this safe. Keep it with you always, and no harm will come to you. I will protect you. This I swear.” [I know it’s a fairy tale, but it feels like a long conversation for somebody with fatal internal bleeding.]

Sounds from down the hall behind them caught Gemma’s attention as the clank of metal armor echoed closer. She backed towards the royal pair. “Princess, we must go. Now.”

“But we have this blessing,” she said. “Can’t I stay with my mother?”

“Go,” the queen whispered. “I cannot save you from everything.”

“No, Mother!”

“We don’t have time!” Gemma grabbed the princess’s wrist and yanked her to her feet. “If we stay, we all die!”

“No!”

“Down here!” someone yelled. “I hear someone this way!”

Gemma just managed to get the princess moving before they were caught. Mayella wasn’t the brightest girl in the palace, but she knew enough to stay dignified and quiet when huddled behind an intact curtain. Once Gemma was satisfied the soldiers were gone, she led them to a door in the servant’s quarters that led into a lesser-used cellar. The soldiers would celebrate their victory with wine and the rich food reserved for the royal family, not the candles and scraps that were kept here.



Thoughts – Not a bad opening. The POV feels a little inconsistent at times, but that’s probably a subgenre thing. Otherwise, the narrative moves pretty well and we see hints into Mayella’s character.

I don’t really have many overall notes. While I feel you chose a good starting point and everything seems to fit together pretty nicely (although I question the castle design), I should probably note that I’m not terribly familiar with this subgenre so what I think works may not reflect the overall trends. However, I’ll mention that 35k words is very short for a YA fantasy. SFF tends to run longer than the other YA genres. And I imagine that’s the same even for fairy tale retellings.

 

[Sage]

#22


Once upon a time, a kingdom fell. <-Awesome first line! You've got my attention, and this feels like a great fantasy voice.

It had not been a strong kingdom. Military might had never been a concern of theirs. The king preferred peaceful methods of negotiation and believed in the goodness of even his enemies. Knights and soldiers seemed an unnecessary expense. Unfortunately, not all men are so kindly, and the day came when invaders battered the gates and stones bombarded the walls. The peasants attempted to protect their king and kingdom, but against armed and trained soldiers, it only resulted in a massacre. The walls collapsed, the doors were beaten in, and in the palace, the princess and her handmaiden fled.

“This way!” the handmaiden, Gemma, called, waving her lady onward. The walls trembled around them as the catapults continued their assault. < - I'm not sure this transition works. We're flying at 30,000 feet in the grand old fairy tale style, and then we're zooming in, but I don't know if we're zooming in to the same scene just surveyed, or to a time after. The opening feels like a classical prologue, but this is close POV. Maybe just put a scene break between the two? If they stayed, they’d be crushed for sure, but Gemma knew a safe place where they could lie in wait for the attack to end. First, they had to get there, and the princess, in Gemma’s opinion, wasn’t in half as much a rush as she should have been.

Despite Gemma’s very loud objections, the princess had removed her shoes some ways back because they were pinching her feet. Now she carefully stepped over fallen rocks and around broken glass, carrying her shoes while Gemma carried a small sword. Gemma was prepared to die for her princess. At this rate, she expected to. <- Lovely POV execution.

“Princess, please, put your shoes on and come on!”

“But Gemma, I can’t run in them!”

“You’re not running out of them either! Forgive me for yelling but we don’t have time!”

The princess looked at the path ahead as the walls shuddered again. Then she dropped her shoes, pursed her lips, and ran to catch up with Gemma, leaving bloody footprints behind.

“You’ve very brave, Princess. I’ll bind your feet when we get to the cellar,” Gemma said, taking the princess’s hand. “We must hurry. We’re almost there.”

Far away, something crashed. It sounded like splintering wood. Most likely, the invaders had broken down the door, or perhaps a boulder had broken through the wall and destroyed the royal dining table in the process. Either way, it meant the Bastillans had a way in. Time was running out.

As Gemma turned a corner, she stopped cold <- I would move the description of the dead queen up here. We need to know right away why Gemma stopped, otherwise the POV starts to slip. After we know what Gemma sees, the next line will have far more meaning, because we understand that Gemma is trying to protect the princess's heart so they can focus on escaping. and held an arm out to stop the princess from progressing.

“Princess, turn back. We’ll find another way.”

“Didn’t you say we were almost there? What-?” Despite Gemma’s best attempts to block the hall, the princess managed to peer around the corner. < - with the description of the dead queen following this, the POV starts to de-center from Gemma and move toward the princess. We need to stick firmly with Gemma.

The queen laid on the ground, blood pooling from under the collapsed castle wall that pinned her down.

Gemma managed to cover the princess’s mouth before the scream drew unwanted attention, but it was enough for the queen to hear. The wounded woman managed to raise her head.

“Mayella,” she whispered, blood dripping from her mouth.

“Mother,” the princess sobbed. Gemma kept an eye on the path behind them while the princess knelt beside her mother. “Gemma, do something!”

“There’s nothing I can do, Princess. Forgive me.”

“She’s right,” the queen said. “It’s too late for me, but not for you. Flee to Cindara. Find your prince.” One of the queen’s hands was free, and she managed to hold out a handkerchief stained with three drops of blood < - beautiful detail! and press it into the princess’s hands. “Keep this safe. Keep it with you always, and no harm will come to you. I will protect you. This I swear.”

Sounds from down the hall behind them caught Gemma’s attention as the clank of metal armor echoed closer. She backed towards the royal pair. “Princess, we must go. Now.”

“But we have this blessing,” she said. “Can’t I stay with my mother?”

“Go,” the queen whispered. “I cannot save you from everything.”

“No, Mother!”

“We don’t have time!” Gemma grabbed the princess’s wrist and yanked her to her feet. “If we stay, we all die!”

“No!”

“Down here!” someone yelled. “I hear someone this way!”

Gemma just managed to get the princess moving before they were caught. <- my first thought was, that's a little anticlimactic for the moment when they're taken prisoner. Reading farther, I realized they weren't taken prisoner. Rather than summarize, I would narrate the soldiers entering as the girls hide behind the curtain just in time. That way we understand exactly what happened, and the narrative tension stays strong. Mayella wasn’t the brightest girl in the palace, but she knew enough to stay dignified and quiet when huddled behind an intact curtain. Once Gemma was satisfied the soldiers were gone, she led them to a door in the servant’s quarters that led into a lesser-used cellar. The soldiers would celebrate their victory with wine and the rich food reserved for the royal family, not the candles and scraps that were kept here.

--

Overall comments:

This feels like a really strong opening. Gemma is a courageous protagonist and fun to follow around.

I wonder about the title. It seems awfully close to The Handmaid's Tale. Not sure that matters, but thought I would point it out.

My only other comment is to check those spots where the POV centering gets less clear. We never want to imply that the reader is in the head of someone other than the POV character.

 

[Maggie Maxwell]

Thank you all! This is really great feedback. Yes, this is 100% a novella that's come close to acceptance a time or two on novella calls and it's gotten some lovely personal rejections but obviously not quite there yet. I think a lot of this feedback will help the initial impression it's been getting.