Entry #21 (A F) - Beta Project 2019

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Forgotten Monsters
Manuscript Genre: Adult Urban Fantasy/Family Drama
Manuscript Word Count: 80,000
Is your manuscript finished?: Yes
Any trigger warnings? The story deals a lot with mental abuse/gaslighting. Other than that, there's some minor violence and swearing.


Hook:

When Marissa stumbles onto the scene of an active crime, she uses her telekinetic abilities to stop the criminal. Footage from the incident goes viral, panicking Marissa. Though she did her best to conceal her identity, she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her emotionally abusive mother, Claire.

Even though her mother claims she can bury the growing story, Marissa refuses to reunite. Ignoring her daughter’s wishes, Claire orders her super-powered friends to use their abilities on her, mentally manipulating Marissa into getting closer to her. When Marissa realizes what’s happening, she musters up the courage to finally confront her mother over her abuse. In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire and her unusually loyal super-powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her a puppet under her mother’s control forever.


First 750 words:

Marissa Caldwell walked alone at night and that’s how she preferred it. She wandered through the city park on her way home from the mall where she’d done some last minute Christmas shopping. As she walked the snowy grounds and a blustery wind pinched her cheeks, she heard a scramble of voices in the distance. She paused for a second. Without realizing it, she’d hunched her shoulders as though her body was telling her that danger lurked up ahead. She perked up her ears and looked around for any movement. The streetlights only illuminated the area so much; it was hard to grasp what was only a few feet in front of her let alone what might be beyond that. When she saw nothing, she continued walking.

Then Marissa heard it: the loud crack of a gun. She instinctively ducked as the sound echoed through the streets. Every muscle in her body tensed up and she gasped for the icy air.

Her legs instantly sprang into action and carried her forward. A woman screamed so Marissa quickened her pace. Her heart beat fast in her chest. She had no idea what she was running into.

A grief-stricken bellow nearly drowned out another shot and Marissa immediately took out her phone. There wasn’t much time to waste. She dialed the numbers, her fingers shaking, and waited for someone to answer.

“911 operator. What is your emergency?”

“I think someone’s been shot. I’m by the park near the promenade. Right off of Summers Avenue. I heard arguing and then gunshots.”

“Are you injured?”

“No, but I think someone is,” she said. The phone shook in her hand. “I can hear moaning now, like someone’s hurt.”

“Are you nearby? Where in the park is this? Don’t get close.”

“I’m pretty close. It happened near the entrance, I think.”

“Help is on the way. Get to safety and please stay on the line, we’ll –”

Another gun shot rang out. Without thinking, Marissa ended the call and rushed in the direction of the commotion.

Her heart pounded and her palms became clammy inside of her winter gloves. She needed a plan. If she got there in time, she knew she would have to do something. Marissa reached into the shopping bag she carried, took out a scarf she’d bought, and wrapped it around her face to disguise herself, keeping a space open around her mouth so that she could breathe. Her nerves crept up on her with each passing second, twisting around her throat, keeping her from catching her breath.

Now at the main entrance to the park, Marissa slowed down and slinked toward a nearby bench to hide behind. From there, she had a clearer view of what had happened. She could see a young woman bent down, clutching her eye, groaning. A few feet away from this woman was a young man, sprawled on the snowy ground. Blood seeped from his chest and stained the snow he had collapsed onto.

The young woman crouched over the bleeding man. “Greg? Greg?!” She tried applying pressure to his wounds.

A man with a gun paced back and forth. It was hard for Marissa to make him out in the shadows, so she inched closer, drifting through the darkness before finding cover behind a tree. He was young – early 20s, maybe six feet tall. He had wild, untamed blond hair that came down to his chin. His feet stomped over to the man and woman. “Just hurry up and give me what he owes me!”

The woman fumbled into her bag to reach for her wallet. “I don’t know what money he owes but just take what I have and we’ll go,” she said to the gunman. “Please let me get help for my husband.”

The gunman pulled her up by the arm. Marissa thought she heard a shoulder popping and winced at the pain the woman must have felt. The woman struggled to get out of his grip. She cried out, her body twisting against his tight grasp. “Just take my bag. You’re hurting me!”

Marissa feared the police wouldn’t make it in time. She could stop the gunman herself. She could handle this. A wave of nausea washed over her, trying to convince her to flee. As the young woman struggled, the gunman put the gun to her head. Marissa needed to act now before he escaped and before anyone else got hurt.


What do you look for in a beta?

I have a bit of trouble with telling too much instead of showing, so someone pointing that out to me would be helpful because I don't always see it. Additionally, I'm interested to hear thoughts on pacing and how the story builds. Other than that, I'm open to any comments and suggestions. I prefer a beta reader to offer suggestions rather than just telling me that something is wrong, if that makes sense.

 

[Sage]

Entry #21 (A F) - Beta Project 2019
Manuscript Title: Forgotten Monsters
Manuscript Genre: Adult Urban Fantasy/Family Drama
Manuscript Word Count: 80,000
Is your manuscript finished?: Yes
Any trigger warnings? The story deals a lot with mental abuse/gaslighting. Other than that, there's some minor violence and swearing.


Hook:

When Marissa stumbles onto the scene of an active crime, she uses her telekinetic abilities to stop the criminal. Footage from the incident goes viral, panicking Marissa. Though she did her best to conceal her identity, she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her emotionally abusive and estranged mother, Claire. I think it’s best to not name her mother.

Even though her mother claims she can bury the growing story, Marissa refuses to reunite. Reunite? You should mention they were estranged before. Ignoring her daughter’s wishes, Claire orders her super-powered friends to use their abilities on her, mentally manipulating Marissa into getting closer to her. You should keep the hook in Marissa’s POV, not switch to her mother’s. When Marissa realizes what’s happening, she musters up the courage to finally cliché confront her mother over her abuse. In doing so, that sounds explainy she risks inciting a war with Claire and her unusually loyal super-powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her a puppet under her mother’s control forever.


First 750 words:

Marissa Caldwell walked alone at night and that’s how she preferred it. She wandered through the city park on her way home from the mall where she’d done some last minute Christmas shopping. As she walked the snowy grounds and a blustery wind pinched her cheeks, she heard a scramble of voices in the distance. She paused for a second. Without realizing it, she’d hunched her shoulders as though her body was telling her that danger lurked up ahead. She perked up her ears and looked around for any movement. The streetlights only illuminated the area so much; it was hard to grasp what was only a few feet in front of her let alone what might be beyond that. When she saw nothing, she continued walking.

Then Marissa heard it: the loud crack of a gun. She instinctively ducked as the sound echoed through the streets. Every muscle in her body tensed up and she gasped for the icy air.

Her legs instantly sprang into action and carried her forward. A woman screamed so Marissa quickened her pace. Her heart beat fast in her chest. She had no idea what she was running into.

A grief-stricken bellow nearly drowned out another shot and Marissa immediately took out her phone. There wasn’t much time to waste. She dialed the numbers, her fingers shaking, and waited for someone to answer.

“911 operator. What is your emergency?”

“I think someone’s been shot. I’m by the park near the promenade. Right off of Summers Avenue. I heard arguing and then gunshots.”

“Are you injured?”

“No, but I think someone is,” she said. The phone shook in her hand. “I can hear moaning now, like someone’s hurt.”

“Are you nearby? Where in the park is this? Don’t get close.”

“I’m pretty close. It happened near the entrance, I think.”

“Help is on the way. Get to safety and please stay on the line, we’ll –”

Another gun shot rang out. Without thinking, Marissa ended the call and rushed in the direction of the commotion.

Her heart pounded and her palms became clammy inside of her winter gloves. She needed a plan. If she got there in time, she knew she would have to do something. Marissa reached into the shopping bag she carried, took out a scarf she’d bought, and wrapped it around her face to disguise herself, keeping a space open around her mouth so that she could breathe. Her nerves crept up on her with each passing second, twisting around her throat, keeping her from catching her breath.

Now at the main entrance to the park, Marissa slowed down and slinked toward a nearby bench to hide behind. From there, she had a clearer view of what had happened. She could see a young woman bent down, clutching her eye, groaning. A few feet away from this woman was a young man, sprawled on the snowy ground. Blood seeped from his chest and stained the snow he had collapsed onto.

The young woman crouched over the bleeding man. “Greg? Greg?!” She tried applying pressure to his wounds.

A man with a gun paced back and forth. It was hard for Marissa to make him out in the shadows, so she inched closer, drifting through the darkness before finding cover behind a tree. He was young – early 20s, maybe six feet tall. He had wild, untamed blond hair that came down to his chin. His feet stomped over to the man and woman. “Just hurry up and give me what he owes me!”

The woman fumbled into her bag to reach for her wallet. “I don’t know what money he owes but just take what I have and we’ll go,” she said to the gunman. “Please let me get help for my husband.”

The gunman pulled her up by the arm. Marissa thought she heard a shoulder popping and winced at the pain the woman must have felt. The woman struggled to get out of his grip. She cried out, her body twisting against his tight grasp. “Just take my bag. You’re hurting me!”

Marissa feared the police wouldn’t make it in time. She could stop the gunman herself. She could handle this. A wave of nausea washed over her, trying to convince her to flee. As the young woman struggled, the gunman put the gun to her head. Marissa needed to act now before he escaped and before anyone else got hurt.


What do you look for in a beta?

I have a bit of trouble with telling too much instead of showing, so someone pointing that out to me would be helpful because I don't always see it. Additionally, I'm interested to hear thoughts on pacing and how the story builds. Other than that, I'm open to any comments and suggestions. I prefer a beta reader to offer suggestions rather than just telling me that something is wrong, if that makes sense.





1. Opening. Looks like the story starts in the right place, at a significant time and at a point of change for Marissa. There’s no sense that it’s a fantasy story, however, instead it feels like a mystery.

2. Character and Voice. The voice doesn’t stand out. It’s not unique and doesn’t capture the imagination. Marrisa could be any woman in the world, or girl for that matter, since there’s no indication of age. There’s nothing destinctive about her and I have no sense of her personality or who she is.

3. Setting. It’s nighttime in a city park somewhere close to Christmas. Snow is on the ground. I think the setting is fine.

4. Story Questions. The story question raised is what is this crime about? Who’s doing it to whom? These are good story questions and worth reading on to find out.

5. Intrigue. You did a good job with teasing the reader into wanting to know more, nor did you give too much info too soon.

6. Quality of writing. This could be tighter. Much of the showing, what little there is, is cliché. Mix up the sentence rhythm and length. There’s not much sensory detail. Only sounds and sights, and because of that, I don’t feel like I’m in the scene. Needs more internals to create a greater sense of sympathy.
7. Would I read on? Certainly.

 

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Forgotten Monsters

Since you seem OK with suggestions, I'll throw in a few for consideration.

Hook:

When Marissa stumbles onto the scene of ('witnesses' may/may not be better) an active crime, she uses ('risks using' to convey the danger) her telekinetic abilities to stop the criminal. Footage from the incident goes viral, panicking Marissa. Though she did her best to conceal her identity, (I think all of that is not pulling weight and might cut it.) , and she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her emotionally abusive mother, Claire.

Even though her mother claims she can bury the growing story, (not established why this is a problem--I'd add a fragment of world building above. Even the adjective illegal in front of telekinetic would help.) Marissa refuses to reunite. Ignoring her daughter’s ('Against Marissa's') wishes, Claire orders her super-powered friends to use their abilities on her, mentally manipulating Marissa into getting closer to her. (This is a new motivation not linked to burying the viral vid. Mom is a slippery character and needs a little attention here, I think) When Marissa realizes what’s happening, she musters up the courage to finally confront her mother over her abuse. In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire and her unusually loyal super-powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her a puppet under her mother’s control forever.

The hook lacks a direction for Marissa, and a story arc. It is a jumble of things, maybe goes too far into the story. If what she wants is to never see her mother again, then lead with this?

First 750 words:

Marissa Caldwell walked alone at night and that’s how she preferred it. She wandered through the city park on her way home from the mall where she’d done some last minute Christmas shopping. As she walked the snowy grounds and a blustery wind pinched her cheeks, she heard a scramble of voices in the distance. She paused for a second. Without realizing it, she’d hunched her shoulders as though her body was telling her that danger lurked up ahead. She perked up her ears and looked around for any movement. The streetlights only illuminated the area so much; it was hard to grasp what was only a few feet in front of her let alone what might be beyond that. When she saw nothing, she continued walking.

Lots of stuff in here has the same length, sentence structure, cadence and importance to the character. That works against the story. And I'm not sure that much of it leads the character anywhere meaningful--it seems designed to inform us of the world--or of her. All of that makes it hard to fall into, as a scene. One suggestion for drawing a reader into a scene is to start with a big setting view and then narrow down. In a set of three. Example:

Marissa walked through the city park, blustery wind pinching her cheeks. Too cold, even for December. (That's big level) She stopped and rearranged her scarf to keep the chill out, (closer to the character) and a scramble of distant voices met her ears. Marissa froze. Shoulders hunched, ears perked, (tighter focus) she looked for movement but the streetlights only illuminated the area so much. After a few minutes the voices faded and she continued on.

Then Marissa heard it: the loud crack of a gun. She instinctively ducked as the sound echoed through the streets. Every muscle in her body tensed up (<look for words to cut especially in tense scenes) and she gasped for the icy air. (can cut)

Her legs instantly (counterintuitively, adding words like suddenly and instantly actually slows the pace. Cut). sprang into action and carried her forward. (again, cut words/phrases that are implied, to up the tension.) A woman screamed so Marissa quickened her pace. Her heart beat fast in her chest. She had no idea what she was running into.

A grief-stricken bellow nearly drowned out another shot and Marissa immediately took out ('grabbed') her phone. There wasn’t much time to waste. (cut, cut, cut. It will quicken the pace.) She dialed the numbers, her fingers shaking, and waited for someone to answer.

“911 operator. What is your emergency?”

“I think someone’s been shot. I’m by the park near the promenade. Right off of Summers Avenue. I heard arguing and then gunshots.”

“Are you injured?”

“No, but I think someone is,” she said. The phone shook in her hand. “I can hear moaning now, like someone’s hurt.”

“Are you nearby? Where in the park is this? Don’t get close.”

“I’m pretty close. It happened near the entrance, I think.”

“Help is on the way. Get to safety and please stay on the line, we’ll –”

Another gun shot rang out. Without thinking, Marissa ended the call and rushed in the direction of the commotion.

^ your dialog is good!

Her heart pounded and her palms became clammy inside of her winter gloves. She needed a plan. If she got there in time, she knew she would have to do something. Marissa reached into the shopping bag she carried, took out a scarf she’d bought, and wrapped it around her face to disguise herself, keeping a space open around her mouth so that she could breathe. Her nerves crept up on her with each passing second, twisting around her throat, keeping her from catching her breath. (I'd go sentence by sentence and see if pulling them out hurts the flow. I see several in here that I would personally axe, but will leave these 'cut' suggestions as general feedback at this point.)

Now at the main entrance to the park, Marissa slowed down and slinked toward a nearby bench to hide behind. From there, she had a clearer view of what had happened. She could see a young woman bent down, clutching her eye, groaning. A few feet away from this woman was a young man, sprawled on the snowy ground. Blood seeped from his chest and stained the snow he had collapsed onto.

The young woman crouched over the bleeding man.

^^Look at the blocking through these two paragraphs. The woman is bending down (we aren't sure why, presumably pain in her eye...??), and a few feet away is a man. Then she is crouching over the man. Condense all that downward to have her crouch over the man, sprawled on a red patch of snow.

“Greg? Greg?!” She tried applying pressure to his wounds.

A man with a gun paced back and forth. (he might be the first thing marissa noticed, not the last...) It was hard for Marissa to make him out in the shadows, so she inched closer, drifting through the darkness before finding cover behind a tree. He was young – early 20s, maybe six feet tall. He had wild, untamed blond hair that came down to his chin. His feet stomped over to the man and woman. “Just hurry up and give me what he owes me!”

The woman fumbled into her bag to reach for her wallet. “I don’t know what money he owes but just take what I have and we’ll go,” she said to the gunman. “Please let me get help for my husband.”

The gunman pulled her up by the arm. Marissa thought she heard a shoulder popping and winced at the pain the woman must have felt. The woman struggled to get out of his grip. She cried out, her body twisting against his tight grasp. “Just take my bag. You’re hurting me!”

Marissa feared the police wouldn’t make it in time. She could stop the gunman herself. She could handle this. A wave of nausea washed over her, trying to convince her to flee. As the young woman struggled, the gunman put the gun to her head. Marissa needed to act now before he escaped and before anyone else got hurt.

Despite my critiques, I like that Marissa is about to take charge and do something about this jerk with the gun. I like that she showed agency by calling 911, and that she is assessing the scene.

The issues I have are the order things are presented, the excessive detail which slows execution of the story, and yes, there is more telling than I like.

I actually think the best advice in this case is to read books you like--read them as a writer. Also read and critique books (and excerpts) you don't like. In both cases ask where it is the things get funky for you, and where it is that you fall into the scene.

I fell into your scene when things were moving, when there was high tension and drama and no extra unneeded words. Several times, like the second to last paragraph. But there were lots of places that pulled me out too. So, I can tell that you know how to write, and I think your story is unique with the Mom/emotional abuse angle. Keep at it. But read and analyze what it is that you are reading. What works? Why? That sort of thing.

 

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Forgotten Monsters
Manuscript Genre: Adult Urban Fantasy/Family Drama
Manuscript Word Count: 80,000
Is your manuscript finished?: Yes
Any trigger warnings? The story deals a lot with mental abuse/gaslighting. Other than that, there's some minor violence and swearing.


Hook:

When Marissa stumbles onto the scene of an active crime, she uses her telekinetic abilities to stop the criminal. Footage from the incident goes viral, panicking Marissa. Though she did her best to conceal her identity, she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her emotionally abusive mother, Claire.

Even though her mother claims she can bury the growing story, Marissa refuses to reunite. Ignoring her daughter’s wishes, Claire orders her super-powered friends to use their abilities on her, mentally manipulating Marissa into getting closer to her. When Marissa realizes what’s happening, she musters up the courage to finally confront her mother over her abuse. In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire and her unusually loyal super-powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her a puppet under her mother’s control forever.

This is a good, clear hook – good job!

First 750 words:

Marissa Caldwell walked alone at night and that’s how she preferred it. She wandered through the city park on her way home from the mall where she’d done some last minute Christmas shopping. As she walked (The walked/wandered bits are sounding a bit repetitive) the snowy grounds and a blustery wind pinched her cheeks, she heard (Filtering) a scramble of voices (Just circled back to this after reading the exchange with the 911 operator – I’d change ‘voices’ to ‘shouts’ or suchlike instead, so we know it’s an argument) in the distance. She paused for a second. Without realizing it, she’d hunched her shoulders as though her body was telling her that danger lurked up ahead (I’d cut – a bit tell-y, as if you’re foreshadowing the danger). She perked up her ears and looked around for any movement. The streetlights only illuminated the area so much; it was hard to grasp what was only a few feet in front of her let alone what might be beyond that. When she saw nothing, she continued walking.

Then Marissa heard it: the loud crack of a gun. She instinctively ducked as the sound echoed through the streets (I’d probably cut). Every muscle in her body tensed up and she gasped for the icy air.

Her legs instantly sprang into action and carried her forward. A woman screamed so Marissa quickened her pace. Her heart beat fast in her chest. She had no idea what she was running into.

A grief-stricken bellow nearly drowned out another shot and Marissa immediately took out her phone. There wasn’t much time to waste (I’d cut – stating the obvious, and it slows the pace). She dialed the numbers, her fingers shaking, and waited for someone to answer (Ditto – I’d cut).

“911 operator. What is your emergency?”

“I think someone’s been shot. I’m by the park near the promenade. Right off of Summers Avenue. I heard arguing and then gunshots.”

“Are you injured?”

“No, but I think someone is,” she said (Can cut). The phone shook in her hand. “I can hear moaning now, like someone’s hurt.”

“Are you nearby? Where in the park is this? Don’t get close.”

“I’m pretty close. It happened near the entrance, I think.”

“Help is on the way. Get to safety and please stay on the line, we’ll –”

Another gun shot rang out. Without thinking, Marissa ended the call and rushed in the direction of the commotion.

Her heart pounded and her palms became clammy inside of her winter gloves. She needed a plan. If she got there in time, she knew she would have to do something. Marissa reached into the shopping bag she carried, took out a scarf she’d bought, and wrapped it around her face to disguise herself, keeping a space open around her mouth so that she could breathe. Her nerves crept up on her with each passing second, twisting around her throat, keeping her from catching her breath.

Now at the main entrance to the park, Marissa slowed down and slinked toward a nearby bench to hide behind. From there, she had a clearer view of what had happened. She could see (Filtering) a young woman bent down, clutching her eye, groaning. A few feet away from this woman was a young man, sprawled on the snowy ground. Blood seeped from his chest and stained the snow he had collapsed onto.

The young woman crouched over the bleeding man. “Greg? Greg?!” She tried applying pressure to his wounds.

A man with a gun paced back and forth. It was hard for Marissa to make him out in the shadows, so she inched closer, drifting through the darkness before finding cover behind a tree. He was young – early 20s, maybe six feet tall. He had wild, untamed blond hair that came down to his chin. His feet (Just say ‘he’ instead, otherwise it sounds like his feet are acting independently) stomped over to the man and woman. “Just hurry up and give me what he owes me!”

The woman fumbled into her bag to reach for her wallet (I’d cut – this is kind of a POV shift. Marissa might guess that’s what she’s doing, but she doesn’t know for sure). “I don’t know what money he owes but just take what I have and we’ll go,” she said to the gunman. “Please let me get help for my husband.”

The gunman pulled her up by the arm. Marissa thought she heard a shoulder popping and winced at the pain the woman must have felt. The woman struggled to get out of his grip. She cried out, her body twisting against his tight grasp. “Just take my bag. You’re hurting me!”

Marissa feared the police wouldn’t make it in time. She could stop the gunman herself. She could handle this. A wave of nausea washed over her, trying to convince her to flee. As the young woman struggled, the gunman put the gun to her head. Marissa needed to act now before he escaped and before anyone else got hurt.

I had a few suggestions for where to cut for pace, and watch out for your filtering. Anyway, I hope my comments help – take what you need and ignore the rest!

 

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Forgotten Monsters
Manuscript Genre: Adult Urban Fantasy/Family Drama
Manuscript Word Count: 80,000
Is your manuscript finished?: Yes
Any trigger warnings? The story deals a lot with mental abuse/gaslighting. Other than that, there's some minor violence and swearing.




Hook:


When Marissa stumbles onto the scene of an active crime, Hmm, strange phrasing for me here. Active crime scene is a thing, but this wording doesn't seem like a thing, or a thing someone who stumbles into them would use she uses her telekinetic abilities to stop the criminal. Footage from the incident goes viral, panicking Marissa. Though she did her best to conceal her identity, she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her emotionally abusive mother, Claire. this is all fine for a hook, but I'm just imagining how great it would read as a query with specifics "When Marissa grabs a would-be bank robber with her mind, and shakes him upside down, she goes viral" etc.


Even though her mother claims she can bury the growing story, Marissa refuses to reunite. Ignoring her daughter’s wishes, Claire orders her super-powered friends to use their abilities on her, mentally manipulating Marissa into getting closer to her. When Marissa realizes what’s happening, she musters up the courage to finally confront her mother over her abuse. it seems like a bad idea to confront someone with that kind of power if you are not equally powered... In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire and her unusually loyal super-powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her a puppet under her mother’s control forever. is it a war if it's one vs. a gang? (as in, does Marissa have allies and we just don't know about them?)

It's a good hook. I get the plot and the stakes and I am interested in what happens next.




First 750 words:


Marissa Caldwell walked alone at night and that’s how she preferred it. She wandered through the city park on her way home from the mall where she’d done some last minute Christmas shopping. As she walked the snowy grounds and a blustery wind pinched her cheeks, she heard a scramble of voices in the distance. She paused for a second. Without realizing it, she’d hunched her shoulders as though her body was telling her that danger lurked up ahead. She perked up her ears and looked around for any movement. The streetlights only illuminated the area so much; it was hard to grasp what was only a few feet in front of her let alone what might be beyond that. When she saw nothing, she continued walking. instead of bringing a lot of tension for me, the POV feels a little more distant than I wished it was.


Then Marissa heard it: the loud crack of a gun. She instinctively ducked as the sound echoed through the streets. Every muscle in her body tensed up and she gasped for the icy air.


Her legs instantly sprang springing into action is usually instant into action and carried her forward. A woman screamed so Marissa quickened her pace. Her heart beat fast in her chest. She had no idea what she was running into. towards?


A grief-stricken bellow nearly drowned out another shot and Marissa immediately took out her phone. There wasn’t much time to waste. She dialed the numbers, her fingers shaking, and waited for someone to answer.


“911 operator. What is your emergency?”


“I think someone’s been shot. I’m by the park near the promenade. Right off of Summers Avenue. I heard arguing and then gunshots.”


“Are you injured?”


“No, but I think someone is,” she said. The phone shook in her hand. “I can hear moaning now, like someone’s hurt.”


“Are you nearby? Where in the park is this? Don’t get close.”


“I’m pretty close. It happened near the entrance, I think.”


“Help is on the way. Get to safety and please stay on the line, we’ll –”


Another gun shot rang out. Without thinking, Marissa ended the call and rushed in the direction of the commotion.


Her heart pounded and her palms became clammy inside of her winter gloves. there's so much physical reaction, but I hear more about her body than her head. Also I'm not seeing anything. I'm hearing abstracted bits of what it happening, but I have no idea what she's seeing/doing actively (the pounding heart, etc aren't active decisions) She needed a plan. If she got there in time, she knew she would have to do something. Marissa reached into the shopping bag she carried, took out a scarf she’d bought, and wrapped it around her face to disguise herself, keeping a space open around her mouth so that she could breathe. Her nerves crept up on her with each passing second, twisting around her throat, keeping her from catching her breath.


Now at the main entrance to the park, I don't know where she was before then? Marissa slowed down and slinked toward a nearby bench to hide behind. From there, she had a clearer view of what had happened. She could see a young woman bent down, clutching her eye, groaning. A few feet away from this woman was a young man, sprawled on the snowy ground. Blood seeped from his chest and stained the snow he had collapsed onto.


The young woman crouched over the bleeding man. “Greg? Greg?!” She tried applying pressure to his wounds.


A man with a gun paced back and forth. It was hard for Marissa to make him out in the shadows, so she inched closer, drifting through the darkness before finding cover behind a tree. He was young – early 20s, maybe six feet tall. He had wild, untamed blond hair that came down to his chin. His feet stomped over to the man and woman. “Just hurry up and give me what he owes me!”


The woman fumbled into her bag to reach for her wallet. “I don’t know what money he owes but just take what I have and we’ll go,” they'll go? dude is laying in the snow bleeding she said to the gunman. “Please let me get help for my husband.”


The gunman pulled her up by the arm. Marissa thought she heard a shoulder popping and winced at the pain the woman must have felt. The woman struggled to get out of his grip. She cried out, her body twisting against his tight grasp. “Just take my bag. You’re hurting me!”


Marissa feared the police wouldn’t make it in time. She could stop the gunman herself. She could handle this. A wave of nausea washed over her, trying to convince her to flee. As the young woman struggled, the gunman put the gun to her head. Marissa needed to act now before he escaped and before anyone else got hurt.

It's weird because there should be a lot of interesting things happening here but I feel like we missed a lot of them. Other than 'night' and 'cold' I don't have a sense of place, and other than feelings of tension, I don't know what Marissa is thinking or what any of this means to her. I would love a little more voice and introspection from her (replacing some of the physical reaction and brief, so it doesn't slow things down.)

 

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Forgotten Monsters
Manuscript Genre: Adult Urban Fantasy/Family Drama
Manuscript Word Count: 80,000
Is your manuscript finished?: Yes
Any trigger warnings? The story deals a lot with mental abuse/gaslighting. Other than that, there's some minor violence and swearing.


Hook:

When Marissa stumbles onto the scene of an active crime, she uses her telekinetic abilities to stop the criminal. Footage from the incident goes viral, panicking Marissa. Though she did her best to conceal her identity, she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her emotionally abusive mother, Claire.

Even though her mother claims she can bury the growing story, Marissa refuses to reunite. Ignoring her daughter’s wishes, Claire orders her super-powered friends to use their abilities on her, mentally manipulating Marissa into getting closer to her. When Marissa realizes what’s happening, she musters up the courage to finally confront her mother over her abuse. In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire and her unusually loyal super-powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her a puppet under her mother’s control forever.


First 750 words:

Marissa Caldwell walked alone at night and that’s how she preferred it. She wandered through the city park on her way home from the mall where she’d done some last minute Christmas shopping. As she walked the snowy grounds and a blustery wind pinched her cheeks, she heard* a scramble of voices in the distance. She paused for a second. Without realizing it,* she’d hunched her shoulders as though her body was telling her that danger lurked up ahead. She perked up her ears and looked around for any movement. The streetlights only illuminated the area so much; it was hard to grasp what was only a few feet in front of her let alone what might be beyond that. When she saw nothing, she continued walking. Psych!

Then Marissa heard it:* the loud crack of a gun. She instinctively ducked as the sound echoed through the streets. Every muscle in her body tensed up and she gasped for the icy air.

Her legs instantly sprang into action and carried her forward. You're describing the process of running. instead of just saying, "Marissa ran." A woman screamed. so Marissa quickened her pace. Her heart beat fast in her chest. She had no idea what she was running into. Telling (and we know that she doesn't know).

A grief-stricken bellow nearly drowned out another shot. That seems unlikely--gunshots are pretty damn loud. and Marissa immediately took out her phone. There wasn’t much time to waste. She dialed the numbers, her fingers shaking, and waited for someone to answer.

“911 operator. What is your emergency?”

“I think someone’s been shot. I’m by the park near the promenade. Right off of Summers Avenue. I heard arguing and then gunshots.”

“Are you injured?”

“No, but I think someone is,” she said. The phone shook in her hand. “I can hear moaning now, like someone’s hurt.” Hold on, as I kept reading, she's not that close yet. She can't have heard anyone moaning.

“Are you nearby? Where in the park is this? Don’t get close.”

“I’m pretty close. It happened near the entrance, I think.”

“Help is on the way. Get to safety and please stay on the line, we’ll –”

Another gun shot rang out. Without thinking, Marissa ended the call and rushed in the direction of the commotion.

Her heart pounded and her palms became clammy inside of her winter gloves. She needed a plan. If she got there in time, she knew she would have to do something. Like... Marissa reached into the shopping bag she carried*, took out a scarf she’d bought, and wrapped it around her face to disguise herself, keeping a space open around her mouth so that she could breathe. Wouldn't it be easier if she was just already wearing a scarf? Her nerves crept up on her with each passing second, twisting around her throat, keeping her from catching her breath.

Now at the main entrance to the park, Marissa slowed down and slinked toward a nearby bench to hide behind. From there, she had a clearer view of what had happened. She could see* a young woman bent down, clutching her eye, groaning. A few feet away from this woman was a young man, sprawled on the snowy ground. Blood seeped from his chest and stained the snow he had collapsed onto.

The young woman crouched over the bleeding man. “Greg? Greg?!” She tried applying pressure to his wounds.

A man with a gun paced back and forth. It was hard for Marissa to make him out in the shadows, so she inched closer, drifting through the darkness before finding cover behind a tree. He was young – early 20s, maybe six feet tall. He had wild, untamed blond hair that came down to his chin. His feet He stomped over to the man and woman. “Just hurry up and give me what he owes me!”

The woman fumbled into her bag to reach for her wallet. “I don’t know what money he owes but just take what I have and we’ll go,” she said to the gunman. “Please let me get help for my husband.”

The gunman pulled her up by the arm. Marissa thought she heard* a shoulder popping and winced at the pain the woman must have felt. The woman struggled to get out of his grip. She cried out, her body twisting against his tight grasp. “Just take my bag. You’re hurting me!”

Marissa feared* the police wouldn’t make it in time. She could stop the gunman herself. She could handle this. A wave of nausea washed over her, trying to convince her to flee. As the young woman struggled, the gunman put the gun to her head. Marissa needed to act now before he escaped and before anyone else got hurt.

*Unnecessary filtering--for example, you can just have the noise happen without clarifying that Marissa heard it.

The premise is really promising, I love the idea of a dysfunctional superhero family. In the opening, there's a whole lot of blow-by-blow details and filtering that are getting in the way of the story (that's the telling you wanted pointed out). The pacing is a little uneven, too. She hears something, then decides it's nothing, then she's running, then she stops to call 911, then she's running again, and grabbing the scarf she just happened to buy out of a shopping bag and wrapping it around her face while running... It's jerking the pace back and forth.

This could work as an opening spot, but I wonder if it'd be easier to start before this so we can learn a little more about Marissa first. It's hard for me to say if that's really better since I know nothing about her, so I don't know what other kinds of settings you could use (like, if she has a job, or friends, or hobbies, or she uses her power for mundane stuff around the house, or strictly does NOT allow herself to do that).

 

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Forgotten Monsters

Hook:

When Marissa stumbles onto the scene of an active crime, she uses her telekinetic abilities to stop the criminal. Footage from the incident goes viral, panicking Marissa. Though she did her best to conceal her identity, she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her emotionally abusive mother, Claire.

Even though her mother claims she can bury the growing story, Marissa refuses to reunite. Ignoring her daughter’s wishes, Claire orders her super-powered friends to use their abilities on her, mentally manipulating Marissa into getting closer to her. When Marissa realizes what’s happening, she musters up the courage to finally confront her mother over her abuse. In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire and her unusually loyal super-powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her a puppet under her mother’s control forever.

More of a synopsis than a hook, but could be a good story. Curious why Claire has so much power over her super-power friends that she can order them around.

First 750 words:

Marissa Caldwell walked alone at night and that’s how she preferred it. (or just 'Marissa Caldwell liked to walk alone at night.') She wandered (now) through the city park on her way home from the mall where she’d done some last minute Christmas shopping. As she walked the snowy grounds and (or 'with) a blustery wind pinched ('pinching') her cheeks, she ('thought she') heard a scramble of voices in the distance. She paused for a second. Without realizing it, she’d hunched her shoulders as though her body was telling (or 'warning') her that (or 'of') danger lurked ('lurking') up ahead. She perked up her ears and looked around for any movement. The streetlights only illuminated the area ('provided') so much ('illumination'); it was hard to grasp what was only a few (more specific, like 'two') feet in front of her ('face', comma) let alone what might be (or 'lie') beyond that. When she saw nothing, she continued (or 'resumed'; she'd stopped, right?) walking.

Then Marissa heard it: the loud crack of a gun. (good) She instinctively ducked as the sound echoed through the streets. Every muscle in her body tensed up and (or 'as') she gasped for (or 'in') the icy air.

Her legs instantly sprang into action and carried her forward. A woman screamed so (or 'and') Marissa quickened her pace. Her heart beat fast(er) in her chest. She had no idea what she was running into ('but she had to find out' or 'had to try to help' or something like that.).

A grief-stricken bellow nearly drowned out another (or 'a second') shot and Marissa immediately took out her phone. There wasn’t much (or 'any') time to waste. She dialed ('punched'?) the numbers, her fingers shaking, and waited for someone to answer.

“9-1-1 (I added dashes) operator. What is your emergency?”

“I think someone’s been shot. I’m by the park near the promenade. Right off of Summers Avenue. I heard arguing and then gunshots.”

“Are you injured?”

“No, but I think someone is,” she said. The phone shook in her hand. “I can hear moaning now, like someone’s hurt.”

“Are you nearby? Where in the park is this? Don’t get close.”

“I’m pretty close. It happened near the entrance, I think.”

“Help is on the way. Get to safety and please stay on the line, we’ll –”

Another gun shot (one word, 'gunshot') rang out. Without thinking, Marissa ended the call and rushed in the direction of the commotion.

Her heart pounded and her palms became clammy inside of her winter gloves. She needed a plan. If she got there in time, she knew she would have to do something. Marissa reached into the shopping bag she carried (might've mentioned the bags earlier), took out a scarf she’d bought, and wrapped it around her face to disguise herself, keeping (or 'leaving') a space open around her mouth so that she could breathe. Her nerves crept up on her with each passing second, twisting around her throat, keeping her from catching her breath.

Now at the main entrance to the park, Marissa slowed down and slinked toward a nearby bench to hide behind. From there, she had a clearer view of what had happened. She could see a young woman bent down, clutching her eye, ('and', no comma) groaning. A few feet away from this woman (comma) was a young man, ('was', no comma) sprawled on the snowy ground. Blood seeped from his chest and stained the snow he had collapsed onto (or 'snow around him').

The young woman crouched over the bleeding man. “Greg? Greg?!” She tried applying pressure to his wounds.

A man with a gun paced back and forth (where?). It was hard for Marissa to (or 'Marissa could barely') make him out in the shadows, so she inched closer, drifting (maybe 'creeping') through the darkness before finding cover behind a tree. He was young – early 20s, maybe six feet tall. He had (or same sentence, 'with') wild, untamed blond hair that came down to his chin. His feet (or just 'He') stomped over to the man and woman. ('screaming,') “Just hurry up and give me what he owes me!”

The woman fumbled into her bag to reach for (or 'find') her wallet. “I don’t know what money he owes but just take what I have and we’ll go,” she said to the gunman. “Please let me get help for my husband.”

The gunman pulled her up by the arm. Marissa thought she heard a shoulder popping and winced at the pain the woman must have felt. (good, we feel it too) The woman struggled to get out of his grip. She cried out, her body twisting against his tight grasp. “Just take my bag. You’re hurting me!”

Marissa feared the police wouldn’t make it in time. She ('knew she could') could stop the gunman herself. (great line, really has us wondering) She could handle this. A wave of nausea washed over her, trying to convince (or 'nearly convincing') her to flee. As the young woman struggled, the gunman put the gun to her head. Marissa needed (or 'had') to act now before he escaped and before anyone else got hurt.

This is a very good start. Easy to picture, lots of tension, and gets you into the story right away, just excellent. Marissa comes off as a sympathetic character.

The dialogue in the 9-1-1 call is good, but the line from the gunman sounded a little odd.

 

[Sage]

Entry #21 (A F) - Beta Project 2019

Manuscript Title: Forgotten Monsters
Manuscript Genre: Adult Urban Fantasy/Family Drama
Manuscript Word Count: 80,000
Is your manuscript finished?: Yes
Any trigger warnings? The story deals a lot with mental abuse/gaslighting. Other than that, there's some minor violence and swearing.


Hook:

When Marissa stumbles onto the scene of an active crime, she uses her telekinetic abilities to stop the criminal. Footage from the incident goes viral, panicking Marissa. Panicking is okay here, but it causes problems later and I wonder if you could find a stronger, more specific word choice? Though she did her best to conceal her identity, she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her emotionally abusive mother, Claire. This works--problem is clear. My only crit would be that the telekinesis seems a bit like a crutch, but that might just be the compressed nature of the hook--maybe flesh it out a bit in full query form.

Even though her mother claims she can bury the growing story I feel like I need to know how--is her mother some big name?, Marissa refuses to reunite. Wondering why. I don't have to know, but it feels like a missed bit of characterization. Ignoring her daughter’s wishes, Claire orders her super-powered friends to use their abilities VAGUE on her, mentally manipulating Marissa into getting closer to her. This would be more vivid with a concrete example. When Marissa realizes what’s happening, she musters up the courage to finally confront her mother over her abuse. She already refused to reunite. I get that confrontation could be distinct, but it feels like shades of grey from a distance, and is less compelling for it. In doing so, she risks inciting a war confusing word choice when dealing with superpowers and such with Claire and her unusually loyal super-powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her a puppet under her mother’s control forever. These are big stakes, but because there's very little in the way of concrete examples, it feels a bit flat. Of course it would be bad for her to be a puppet, but what pushes her, what drives her to do this and, presumably, succeed? Without knowing that, it almost looks like her mother is right, or at worst just a bit clingy. Don't rely on the big bad concept of abuse to carry your story (or query)--you have to show not only the abuse but also how it affects Marissa and how she reacts to it.


First 750 words:

Marissa Caldwell walked alone at night and that’s how she preferred it. She wandered through the city park on her way home from the mall where she’d done some last minute Christmas shopping. As she walked the snowy grounds and a blustery wind pinched her cheeks, she heard a scramble of voices in the distance. She paused for a second. Without realizing it, she’d hunched her shoulders as though her body was telling her that danger lurked up ahead. She perked up her ears and looked around for any movement. Every single sentence thus far is constructed the exact same way. The streetlights only illuminated the area so much; it was hard to grasp what was weak word choice only a few feet in front of her let alone what might be beyond that. When she saw nothing, she continued walking. There's good tension here, but you spend a lot of words telling me she can't see anything, which saps it. Elevate the tension (voices), then move as quick as possible.

Then Marissa heard it: the loud crack of a gun. She instinctively ducked as the sound echoed through the streets. Every muscle in her body tensed up and she gasped for the icy air.

Her legs instantly sprang into action and carried her forward. This action steps on the previous a bit. I'm also a bit unclear--was this a far-off gunshot, or nearby? If it's described more specifically, it can buy you enough tension to sustain the reaction. A woman screamed so Marissa quickened her pace. Her heart beat fast in her chest. She had no idea what she was running into.

A grief-stricken this feels a tad too much, overspecific bellow nearly drowned out another shot and Marissa immediately took out her phone. There wasn’t much time to waste. She dialed the numbers, her fingers shaking, and waited for someone to answer.

“911 operator. What is your emergency?”

“I think someone’s been shot. I’m by the park near the promenade. Right off of Summers Avenue. I heard arguing and then gunshots.”

“Are you injured?”

“No, but I think someone is,” she said. The phone shook in her hand. “I can hear moaning now, like someone’s hurt.” This conversation isn't advancing the action, but rather delaying it. You're mostly repeating info you just showed (quite vividly), and 911 operators are never going to be the most colourful characters. I like that you have a beat for it, which feels natural, but it feels like you only need one line from Marissa. Consider using more reported dialogue, too.

“Are you nearby? Where in the park is this? Don’t get close.”

“I’m pretty close. It happened near the entrance, I think.”

“Help is on the way. Get to safety and please stay on the line, we’ll –”

Another gun shot rang out. Without thinking, Marissa ended the call and rushed in the direction of the commotion. This is now twice she's run towards the danger, which is an interesting choice. I can guess from your hook that she has some relevant experience crime-fighting, but it's odd enough even then that I want some glimpse of characterization to motivate it. She still feels a bit distant--some of that is the present action, but see if you can bring the reader closer.

Her heart pounded and her palms became clammy inside of her winter gloves. She needed a plan. If she got there in time, she knew she would have to do something Vague. Watch your narrative for "something" and its close relatives "somewhere" and "somehow". You can usually replace them with some other word that will give more insight into the character.. Marissa reached into the shopping bag she carried, took out a scarf she’d bought implied from shopping bag, and wrapped it around her face to disguise herself, keeping a space open around her mouth so that she could breathe you can breathe through most scarves. Her nerves crept up on her with each passing second, twisting around her throat, keeping her from catching her breath This feels like it conflicts with the detail about leaving space to breathe. See if you can reword this to create contrast instead--she's trying to breathe, but her nerves are twisting (the scarf?) around her throat. There are still a lot of very similar sentences. Don't be afraid to start with a conjunction, particularly "but" or a similarly contrasting one, on occasion, to mix things up and create voice..

Now at the main entrance to the park I thought she was inside., Marissa slowed down and slinked never, ever miss an opportunity to use "slunk", IMO the best word in the English language toward a nearby bench to hide behind passive--she's slinking to hide behind a nearby bench. Try to keep the verb near the subject. From there, she had a clearer view of what had happened. She could see filtering--a lot of your diction issues are caused by this a young woman bent down, clutching her eye, groaning. A few feet away from this woman was a young man, sprawled on the snowy ground. Blood seeped from his chest and stained the snow he had collapsed onto. A lot of times you can leave out extra details like these. They're implied by the prior words. Too many gives your prose a very visual feeling. Write for readers, not movie-goers.

The young woman crouched over the bleeding man. “Greg? Greg?!” She tried applying pressure to his wounds. Good use of declarative sentences here to drive the action.

A man with a gun paced back and forth. Consider the order of details. You've spent two grafs describing the injured, but there's a guy with a gun standing there. Where would her focus go first? Which provides more tension? Which provides an obstacle to what Marissa is doing? It was hard for Marissa to make him out in the shadows, so she inched closer, drifting through the darkness before finding cover behind a tree. He was young – early 20s, maybe six feet tall. He had wild, untamed blond hair that came down to his chin. I pretty much buy this because she might have to give a description to the police. I'd almost be tempted to hang the lampshade there, because otherwise it looks a lot like you're describing him physically just because. Guy's holding a gun--is she noticing "untamed" blond hair? In the dark? His feet stomped over to the man and woman. “Just hurry up and give me what he owes me!” Using "man and woman" right before this makes it unclear what he wants because I don't know which he's referring to.

The woman fumbled into her bag to reach for her wallet. “I don’t know what money he owes but just take what I have and we’ll go,” she said to the gunman. “Please let me get help for my husband.” Above, it seemed like the woman had maybe been shot, too, or at least hurt somehow. But she's speaking in complete sentences. She'd be terrified. Try to show that in the dialogue.

The gunman pulled her up by the arm. Marissa thought she heard a shoulder popping and winced at the pain the woman must have felt. The woman struggled to get out of his grip. She cried out, her body twisting against his tight grasp. “Just take my bag. You’re hurting me!” This dialogue is better.

Marissa feared the police wouldn’t make it in time. She could stop the gunman herself. She could handle this. Why is this the first she's thinking of this? A wave of nausea washed over her, trying to convince her to flee. As the young woman struggled, the gunman put the gun to her head. Marissa needed to act now before he escaped and before anyone else got hurt try to rephrase this--"needed to act now" isn't a phrase that works well when a guy has a gun to someone's head.

You do a very good job continually escalating the tension throughout this scene. When tension's so high, the writing has to adjust mechanically. Read a few action scenes--you'll notice sentences get shorter. Surrounding details get left out. The POV is often very, very immediate to try and capture the character's instincts. You always have the power to slow the narrative down, indulge in thoughts and perception, but this might not be the best place to do that. Here, you have an opportunity to show who Marissa is by showing me how she reacts, not what she thinks. Resist the urge to explain.


What do you look for in a beta?

I have a bit of trouble with telling too much instead of showing, so someone pointing that out to me would be helpful because I don't always see it. Additionally, I'm interested to hear thoughts on pacing and how the story builds. Other than that, I'm open to any comments and suggestions. I prefer a beta reader to offer suggestions rather than just telling me that something is wrong, if that makes sense.

I actually don't think your problem is telling instead of showing per se--though that's kind of a corollary of the POV being a bit distant and some mechanical issues that are holding this excerpt back from creating the immediacy a scene like this probably needs.

First, if you're not already, read the scene aloud to yourself several times. Your voice will notice repetitions of construction before your eye. Then go in and revise carefully on a sentence level. I think your story beats are mostly in the right place here, and any pacing issues are really just caused by having too many unnecessary details and sub-clauses. You're filtering a fair bit, too, which both distances the POV and slows the pace.

There's good tension in the scene and a good general sense of intrigue. But before you dive into the beta-reader trenches, make sure your sentences are doing everything they need to be. A story is only as good as the sum of its parts.

 

[Sage]

Hook:
When Marissa stumbles onto the scene of an active crime, she uses her telekinetic abilities to stop the criminal. Footage from the incident goes viral, panicking Marissa. Though she did her best to conceal her identity, she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her emotionally abusive mother, Claire.

Even though her mother claims she can bury the growing story, Marissa refuses to reunite. Ignoring her daughter’s wishes, Claire orders her super-powered friends to use their abilities on her, mentally manipulating Marissa into getting closer to her. When Marissa realizes what’s happening, she musters up the courage to finally confront her mother over her abuse. In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire and her unusually loyal super-powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her a puppet under her mother’s control forever. [[Oh, man. This sounds devastating. And FASCINATING.]]

First 750 words:
Marissa Caldwell walked alone at night and that’s how she preferred it. [[Hm, I like her already.]] She wandered through the city park on her way home from the mall where she’d done some last minute Christmas shopping. As she walked the snowy grounds and a blustery wind pinched her cheeks, she heard a scramble of voices in the distance. She paused for a second. Without realizing it, she’d hunched her shoulders as though her body was telling her that danger lurked up ahead. [["As though her body was telling her that danger lurked up ahead" is bald telling. Consider showing us the actions. If you want to explicitly connect it to danger, perhaps rephrase as a thought. For example: "Her shoulders hunched. Danger? She perked up her ears and looked around for any moment . . ."]] She perked up her ears and looked around for any movement. The streetlights only illuminated the area so much; it was hard to grasp what was only a few feet in front of her let alone what might be beyond that. When she saw nothing, she continued walking.

Then Marissa heard it: the loud crack of a gun. She instinctively ducked as the sound echoed through the streets. Every muscle in her body tensed up and she gasped for the icy air.

Her legs instantly sprang into action and carried her forward. A woman screamed so Marissa quickened her pace. Her heart beat fast in her chest. [[I suppose that's better than beating fast in her nose. If you cut "in her chest," you are cutting a certain amount of telling.]] She had no idea what she was running into.

A grief-stricken bellow nearly drowned out another shot and Marissa immediately took out her phone. There wasn’t much time to waste. She dialed the numbers, her fingers shaking, and waited for someone to answer.

“911 operator. What is your emergency?”

“I think someone’s been shot. I’m by the park near the promenade. Right off of Summers Avenue. I heard arguing and then gunshots.”

“Are you injured?”

“No, but I think someone is,” she said. The phone shook in her hand. “I can hear moaning now, like someone’s hurt.”

“Are you nearby? Where in the park is this? Don’t get close.”

“I’m pretty close. It happened near the entrance, I think.”

“Help is on the way. Get to safety and please stay on the line, we’ll –”

Another gun shot rang out. Without thinking, Marissa ended the call and rushed in the direction of the commotion. [[Yeah, I'm going to like her. If she doesn't get herself killed in the next five pages.]]

Her heart pounded and her palms became clammy inside of her winter gloves. She needed a plan. If she got there in time, she knew [["she knew" is filtering, which is a sort of telling. It becomes less tell-ish and definitely more immediate if you drop it.]] she would have to do something. Marissa reached into the shopping bag she carried, took out a scarf she’d bought, and wrapped it around her face to disguise herself, keeping a space open around her mouth so that she could breathe. Her nerves crept up on her with each passing second, twisting around her throat, keeping her from catching her breath.

Now at the main entrance to the park, Marissa slowed down and slinked toward a nearby bench to hide behind. From there, she had a clearer view of what had happened. She could see a young woman bent down, clutching her eye, groaning. A few feet away from this woman was a young man, sprawled on the snowy ground. Blood seeped from his chest and stained the snow he had collapsed onto.

The young woman crouched over the bleeding man. “Greg? Greg?!” She tried applying pressure to his wounds. [[A little confused here: did she move over to him and try to help him after Marissa got on the scene, or has she always been crouched over him?]]

A man with a gun paced back and forth. It was hard for Marissa to make him out in the shadows, so she inched closer, drifting through the darkness before finding cover behind a tree. He was young – early 20s, maybe six feet tall. He had wild, untamed blond hair that came down to his chin. His feet stomped over to the man and woman. “Just hurry up and give me what he owes me!”

The woman fumbled into her bag to reach for her wallet. “I don’t know what money he owes but just take what I have and we’ll go,” she said to the gunman. “Please let me get help for my husband.”

The gunman pulled her up by the arm. Marissa thought she heard a shoulder popping and winced at the pain the woman must have felt. The woman struggled to get out of his grip. She cried out, her body twisting against his tight grasp. “Just take my bag. You’re hurting me!”

Marissa feared the police wouldn’t make it in time. She could stop the gunman herself. She could handle this. A wave of nausea washed over her, trying to convince her to flee. As the young woman struggled, the gunman put the gun to her head. Marissa needed to act now before he escaped and before anyone else got hurt.

What do you look for in a beta?
I have a bit of trouble with telling too much instead of showing, so someone pointing that out to me would be helpful because I don't always see it. [[I focused my comments on that. I noticed a certain amount of filtering. I didn't flag every example, but I think checking for filtering will be a big help toward addressing this.]]
[[snip]]
###
OVERALL WHAT WORKS
Nice opener, right in the action. Your hook makes it clear there's a delicious, complex backstory to unravel, but you don't give much of any of it right now. Very nice.

WHAT DOESN'T
There are a lot of details about Marissa's bodily response to what she's seeing and hearing. Most of it is very good, but all together it's a bit much. I'd suggest paring it down. If Marissa is a visceral person and feels a lot of her emotions physically you might want to zero in on the physical responses we'll find important.

 

[Sage]

Manuscript Title: Forgotten Monsters

Marissa Caldwell walked alone at night and that’s how she preferred it. She wandered through the city park on her way home from the mall where she’d done some last minute Christmas shopping. As she walked the snowy grounds and a blustery wind pinched her cheeks, she heard a scramble of voices in the distance. She paused for a second. Without realizing it, she’d hunched her shoulders as though her body was telling her that danger lurked up ahead. She perked up her ears and looked around for any movement. The streetlights only illuminated the area so much; it was hard to grasp what was only a few feet in front of her let alone what might be beyond that. When she saw nothing, she continued walking.


Then Marissa heard it: the loud crack of a gun. She instinctively ducked as the sound echoed through the streets. Every muscle in her body tensed up and she gasped for the icy air.


Her legs instantly sprang into action and carried her forward. A woman screamed so Marissa quickened her pace. Her heart beat fast in her chest. She had no idea what she was running into. <--then why is she running? I don't have a clear picture of what she thinks is happening or what she intends to do. Since she's running toward the action, rather than away, I think we need a glimpse into her thoughts and feelings at this point. "If she got there in time, maybe she could save someone." That's bad, but something along those lines might help?


A grief-stricken bellow nearly drowned out another shot and Marissa immediately took <--you can get more impact with no adverb and one strong verb, like "whipped" out her phone. There wasn’t much time to waste. She dialed the numbers, her fingers shaking, and waited for someone to answer.


“911 operator. What is your emergency?”


“I think someone’s been shot. I’m by the park near the promenade. Right off of Summers Avenue. I heard arguing and then gunshots.”


“Are you injured?”


“No, but I think someone is,” she said. The phone shook in her hand. “I can hear moaning now, like someone’s hurt.”


“Are you nearby? Where in the park is this? Don’t get close.”


“I’m pretty close. It happened near the entrance, I think.”


“Help is on the way. Get to safety and please stay on the line, we’ll –”


Another gun shot rang out. Without thinking, Marissa ended the call and rushed in the direction of the commotion. <--interesting. So she intends to help somehow, I'm guessing with her supernatural abilities, but she also calls 911. Not a problem--that's just interesting. I still think we need some indication of her inner thoughts at this point so we understand, as she does, why she's running toward the problem.


Her heart pounded and her palms became clammy inside of her winter gloves. She needed a plan. If she got there in time, she knew she would have to do something. <--indeed. So she's running without a plan? That seems kind of foolish. I think this is working against you as far as establishing Marissa as likable. We need to see more intelligence from her so we're impressed with her in this dangerous situation and like her for that reason. Marissa reached into the shopping bag she carried, took out a scarf she’d bought, and wrapped it around her face to disguise herself, keeping a space open around her mouth so that she could breathe. Her nerves crept up on her with each passing second, twisting around her throat, keeping her from catching her breath.


Now at the main entrance to the park, Marissa slowed down and slinked toward a nearby bench to hide behind. From there, she had a clearer view of what had happened. She could see a young woman bent down, clutching her eye, groaning. A few feet away from this woman was a young man, sprawled on the snowy ground. Blood seeped from his chest and stained the snow he had collapsed onto.


The young woman crouched over the bleeding man. “Greg? Greg?!” She tried applying pressure to his wounds.


A man with a gun paced back and forth. It was hard for Marissa to make him out in the shadows, so she inched closer, drifting through the darkness before finding cover behind a tree. He was young – early 20s, maybe six feet tall. He had wild, untamed blond hair that came down to his chin. His feet stomped over to the man and woman. “Just hurry up and give me what he owes me!”


The woman fumbled into her bag to reach for her wallet. “I don’t know what money he owes but just take what I have and we’ll go,” she said to the gunman. “Please let me get help for my husband.”


The gunman pulled her up by the arm. Marissa thought she heard a shoulder popping and winced at the pain the woman must have felt. The woman struggled to get out of his grip. She cried out, her body twisting against his tight grasp. “Just take my bag. You’re hurting me!”


Marissa feared the police wouldn’t make it in time. She could stop the gunman herself. She could handle this. A wave of nausea washed over her, trying to convince her to flee. As the young woman struggled, the gunman put the gun to her head. Marissa needed to act now before he escaped and before anyone else got hurt.

Thoughts:

I like the sparse style. It tends toward transparency, which can work really well in putting us right in the action.

That said, I think you need to address a consistent POV issue--filtering. (I marked instances of this in red underline.) Basically, filtering puts a layer of distance between us and the POV character's experience. It tends to create cold main characters without feelings. You could think of it as "telling" us the character's experience rather than "showing." This article should give you a good overview so you can spot this throughout your manuscript and replace filtered experiences with more evocative language: https://www.scribophile.com/academy/an-introduction-to-filtering

The opposite of this is direct, fiat statement of the main character's perception as if it were a fact. (This is difficult--I'm struggling to do it myself!) I spotted one instance where you did this well, and I marked it in blue underline.

One other thought--it may be the excerpt cutoff point, but I don't see much in here to suggest anything speculative or fantastic. Can we see the MC's special abilities in action? Or some sort of nod to the fantastic? Without that, it reads like a normal contemporary crime scene.

 

[AstronautMikeDexter]

This absolutely exceeded my expectations. Thank you so much for the thoughtful and wise critiques.

I knew that filtering was a problem and I tried to get rid of a lot of it in the manuscript but I obviously still have a ways to go. It helps so much to have people point it out. Now that I know what to look for, I hope that it's now an easier task to go through the manuscript and edit it out.

As for the voice, I will definitely try to bring that forward. When I tell you that I've had trouble getting this first chapter right...whew boy! It's been tough. I always thought that it didn't feel like the rest of the work and I think adding voice might help that. I'll also go through the whole thing and try to make Marissa more distinctive.

I'm going to work on tightening the writing and cutting excessive detail.

Unfortunately, I couldn't fit in Marissa using her powers in this sample but it does happen very, very shortly after the excerpt cutoff.

As a final pitch, if anyone would be interested in reading further, I'm happy to send it along. I've got to make some edits, of course, but I'm not in a rush to get it back if someone would like to read it.

Again, thanks so much! It was a great experience to also read so many other entries and offer critiques. There's a lot of talent on AW!