[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

[Thecla]

(Three sentences means it cuts off at a strange place, but I sort of like it. It's also not totally representative of the rest of the story; fewer compound sentences.)

Since Genesis, since the Great Boot-Up, since the first fish plodded onto land to shake its fins dry, men have been unrivaled artisans of infidelity. The funniest, smartest, most breathtakingly sensual creation to roam these green hills could appear, bearing nectarines and lifelong companionship, before a daft, dog-faced man for whom gravity seems to hold a fierce grudge, and he’d still shack up with the babysitter, twenty-one and perky in all the ways you aren’t, citing an uncontrollable simian ferocity of testosterone, even though you know he takes pills for his deficiency.

It’s easy to hate the tart.

I enjoyed this, especially the exuberance of clauses that is sentence 2. Excellent voice. Would go on. Best of luck.

 

[Helix]

(Three sentences means it cuts off at a strange place, but I sort of like it. It's also not totally representative of the rest of the story; fewer compound sentences.)

Since Genesis, since the Great Boot-Up, since the first fish plodded onto land to shake its fins dry, men have been unrivaled artisans of infidelity. The funniest, smartest, most breathtakingly sensual creation to roam these green hills could appear, bearing nectarines and lifelong companionship, before a daft, dog-faced man for whom gravity seems to hold a fierce grudge, and he’d still shack up with the babysitter, twenty-one and perky in all the ways you aren’t, citing an uncontrollable simian ferocity of testosterone, even though you know he takes pills for his deficiency.

It’s easy to hate the tart.

I've read this a few times. That I keep returning to it tells me I have to comment.

I like it, but I don't think it's there yet. It's pulling in several directions and I reckon it needs to be pruned a bit to get it nice and focused.

The piling up in the first sentence -- the rule of threes -- I enjoy in principle, but the specifics grate. The Boot-Up is the Big Bang, I take it? And the emergence of vertebrate life... Neither of those fit with what follows. The second sentence is maybe a bit too wordy, although the rule of threes is applied very well (twice!). The brevity of the third sentence as a punchline and release for the previous two is *chef's kiss*.

ETA: I'm often wrong, so just take what you need.

 

[Janine R]

I like it. Great voice and would read on. It's amusing.
A little confused by the second sentence, the 3 sentences appear to be about an established relationship interrupted by infidelity, but the first part of the second sentence seems to suggest that the “sensual creation” has only just appeared before the fickle man and that he has chosen perky.

 

[alltheashes]

I like the rhythm of this and the variety in sentence length, and I'm intrigued to see where the story is going. I'm not sure I understand "the Great Boot-Up", sorry, but that's a minor quibble.

Thank you so much! Helix had it spot on in their comment; it's meant to call to mind the Big Bang, but I suspected it would elicit some confusion. It's definitely something I'll need to look at.

 

[alltheashes]

I enjoyed this, especially the exuberance of clauses that is sentence 2. Excellent voice. Would go on. Best of luck.

Wow, that means a lot. Voice is one of those things that feels a bit nebulous to understand, much less employ. Glad to hear it worked for you here. Thank you!

 

[alltheashes]

I've read this a few times. That I keep returning to it tells me I have to comment.

I like it, but I don't think it's there yet. It's pulling in several directions and I reckon it needs to be pruned a bit to get it nice and focused.

The piling up in the first sentence -- the rule of threes -- I enjoy in principle, but the specifics grate. The Boot-Up is the Big Bang, I take it? And the emergence of vertebrate life... Neither of those fit with what follows. The second sentence is maybe a bit too wordy, although the rule of threes is applied very well (twice!). The brevity of the third sentence as a punchline and release for the previous two is *chef's kiss*.

ETA: I'm often wrong, so just take what you need.

I appreciate this comment very much, thank you for reading!

You're right on both counts. Yeah, I wrote the first part of that line before the rest of the piece without knowing where the story would go. I'd hoped it'd come off as an exaggeration--"Since time immemorial, men have been unfaithful" sort of thing, but I can see it feeling disconnected. Glad to hear the 'rule of three' and sentence length contrast worked for you!

 

[alltheashes]

I like it. Great voice and would read on. It's amusing.
A little confused by the second sentence, the 3 sentences appear to be about an established relationship interrupted by infidelity, but the first part of the second sentence seems to suggest that the “sensual creation” has only just appeared before the fickle man and that he has chosen perky.

I can definitely see that. I was worried it'd come off that way and your commenting on it means it's probably something I should change. It's very encouraging to hear you enjoyed the voice! Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!

 

[StarsForScales]

(Three sentences means it cuts off at a strange place, but I sort of like it. It's also not totally representative of the rest of the story; fewer compound sentences.)

Since Genesis, since the Great Boot-Up, since the first fish plodded onto land to shake its fins dry, men have been unrivaled artisans of infidelity. The funniest, smartest, most breathtakingly sensual creation to roam these green hills could appear, bearing nectarines and lifelong companionship, before a daft, dog-faced man for whom gravity seems to hold a fierce grudge, and he’d still shack up with the babysitter, twenty-one and perky in all the ways you aren’t, citing an uncontrollable simian ferocity of testosterone, even though you know he takes pills for his deficiency.

It’s easy to hate the tart.

I will have to throw in my vote for not being quite sold on the first sentence. This is strictly personal preference, but if it were me, and I were using the rule of threes in that first sentence, I might use it as more of an escalation instead of a nod to different ideas of how things Came About. Perhaps starting with the Big Bang/birth of stars and conglomeration of planets, proceeding to the emergence from the sea, ending in whenever the first thing recognizable as a human male glanced lustily at the first thing recognizable as a human female. Again, this is personal preference, though, and I can see why you might want to nod to the vastness of creation and creation mythos instead.

The second and third sentences are absolutely excellent. I love the length and intricacy of the second sentence, making you work a little to keep up with it, then ending with the third sentence's stark, relatable, almost crass sentiment. Bravo!

 

[alltheashes]

I will have to throw in my vote for not being quite sold on the first sentence. This is strictly personal preference, but if it were me, and I were using the rule of threes in that first sentence, I might use it as more of an escalation instead of a nod to different ideas of how things Came About. Perhaps starting with the Big Bang/birth of stars and conglomeration of planets, proceeding to the emergence from the sea, ending in whenever the first thing recognizable as a human male glanced lustily at the first thing recognizable as a human female. Again, this is personal preference, though, and I can see why you might want to nod to the vastness of creation and creation mythos instead.

The second and third sentences are absolutely excellent. I love the length and intricacy of the second sentence, making you work a little to keep up with it, then ending with the third sentence's stark, relatable, almost crass sentiment. Bravo!

That's a great suggestion, making it an incremental increase. I think it'd give it more of a sense of rising action than just loosely connected things being listed. Thank you for this robust commentary, the helpful recommendation, and your very kind assessment of the last two sentences. Much appreciated!

 

[EmJayEm]

Bunmi was the first to arrive at brunch, that was the first ill omen. Well, the second if you counted the evening before, when her commute home had been derailed by a jumper. The forcefield had gotten them back to the platform safely, of course, but something had kept her from rejoining the bustling crowd of passers by, continuing their journeys unfazed.

 

[littleniece]

Instant curiosity! What made Bunmi's early arrival an ill omen? The existence and function of the forcefield is pretty much taken for granted, but I'm wondering if a "jumper" was also a commonplace occurrence if the crowd continued on unfazed. Finally, I'm considering what a "jumper" actually is. Someone leaping off a bridge? Jumping time, or something like that?

Reading your first three sentences was a delicious appetizer. Now anticipating the main course!

 

[Lakey]

Bunmi was the first to arrive at brunch, that was the first ill omen. Well, the second if you counted the evening before, when her commute home had been derailed by a jumper. The forcefield had gotten them back to the platform safely, of course, but something had kept her from rejoining the bustling crowd of passers by, continuing their journeys unfazed.

I like the content here quite a lot! You've conveyed a lot with nice voice. I think there are some mechanics you can clean up. First, I'd clean up the comma splice in the first sentence. You can replace it with an em-dash, a sentence break, or a semicolon (though the latter probably doesn't suit the voice).

More important, the pronoun antecedents in the third sentence are a little confusing:

"The forcefield had gotten them back to the platform safely, of course, but something had kept her from rejoining the bustling crowd of passers by, continuing their journeys unfazed."

I think the first "them" refers to the jumper, but then I get pulled up completely by the "her". It has to refer to Bunmi -- there isn't anyone else it could be -- but the placement of the clause strongly suggests it's the jumper and not Bunmi who doesn't rejoin the crowd. It's just confusing. Finally, there's "their" but it has a different antecedent than the prior "them," which isn't ideal.

It might be that you are trying to cram too much into one sentence; give yourself a little more breathing room for all the ideas in the third sentence and see if it comes out smoother.

But again -- intriguing content and voice! I would read on for that.

 

[Gramps]

I liked the voice. I too was caught up in the technology of the forcefield and what jumping might mean in this context. I associate derailed with a train or subway type system as well as platform. I would read on to determine if Bunmi experienced a third ill omen.

Thank you for presenting this.

 

[AbelCM]

Bunmi was the first to arrive at brunch, that was the first ill omen. Well, the second if you counted the evening before, when her commute home had been derailed by a jumper. The forcefield had gotten them back to the platform safely, of course, but something had kept her from rejoining the bustling crowd of passers by, continuing their journeys unfazed.

Great! I like stories that start with ill omens. Agree that you need to fix the grammar in the first sentence. Also, as someone who uses "well" too much, I'm always looking for places where it isn't necessary, and I don't think your second sentence needs it. It's already funny that anyone might *not* consider a jumper (which I just assumed without thinking about it was an attempted suicide) an ill omen. You might want to change "derailed" since you're (I think) talking about something like a train platform, and it brings in unnecessary ambiguity. Anyway, I want to read on to find out what happens at brunch, and what all of this portends, and even, first, why she's so strangely perturbed by the mundane sight of a jumper.

 

[EmJayEm]

I like the content here quite a lot! You've conveyed a lot with nice voice. I think there are some mechanics you can clean up. First, I'd clean up the comma splice in the first sentence. You can replace it with an em-dash, a sentence break, or a semicolon (though the latter probably doesn't suit the voice).

More important, the pronoun antecedents in the third sentence are a little confusing:

"The forcefield had gotten them back to the platform safely, of course, but something had kept her from rejoining the bustling crowd of passers by, continuing their journeys unfazed."

I think the first "them" refers to the jumper, but then I get pulled up completely by the "her". It has to refer to Bunmi -- there isn't anyone else it could be -- but the placement of the clause strongly suggests it's the jumper and not Bunmi who doesn't rejoin the crowd. It's just confusing. Finally, there's "their" but it has a different antecedent than the prior "them," which isn't ideal.

It might be that you are trying to cram too much into one sentence; give yourself a little more breathing room for all the ideas in the third sentence and see if it comes out smoother.

But again -- intriguing content and voice! I would read on for that.

Thanks for reading and the feedback - it's really helpful and I see exactly what you mean with the third sentence! Also comma splices are my biggest vice as a writer so thanks for catching that. And happy to hear the voice worked for you

 

[EmJayEm]

Instant curiosity! What made Bunmi's early arrival an ill omen? The existence and function of the forcefield is pretty much taken for granted, but I'm wondering if a "jumper" was also a commonplace occurrence if the crowd continued on unfazed. Finally, I'm considering what a "jumper" actually is. Someone leaping off a bridge? Jumping time, or something like that?

Thanks for reading, and sharing what aspects piqued your curiousity - that's really helpful to know and I'm glad it captured your attention!

I liked the voice. I too was caught up in the technology of the forcefield and what jumping might mean in this context. I associate derailed with a train or subway type system as well as platform. I would read on to determine if Bunmi experienced a third ill omen.

Thank you for presenting this.

Thanks for reading! The setting is a jumper on a train platform so glad that came across.

 

[EmJayEm]

Great! I like stories that start with ill omens. Agree that you need to fix the grammar in the first sentence. Also, as someone who uses "well" too much, I'm always looking for places where it isn't necessary, and I don't think your second sentence needs it. It's already funny that anyone might *not* consider a jumper (which I just assumed without thinking about it was an attempted suicide) an ill omen. You might want to change "derailed" since you're (I think) talking about something like a train platform, and it brings in unnecessary ambiguity. Anyway, I want to read on to find out what happens at brunch, and what all of this portends, and even, first, why she's so strangely perturbed by the mundane sight of a jumper.

Thanks for reading and the feedback - good point about the word "well" which I'm starting to realise I overuse as well! And yes, jumper was an attempted suicide so glad that came across! Good point about the word derailed; I don't want to make associations at the cost of clarity so will have a think about that. Thanks!

 

[BRG2003]

Okay, first draft, so it'll probably be a bit clunky, but:

Once upon a time in Fairyland, there was a seaside town made of giant turtle skeletons where every newborn child was named after an herb. In that town, called Herbport, a seventeen-year-old changeling lived. She was Chamomile and this was her last day in her home.

 

[Tocotin]

Okay, first draft, so it'll probably be a bit clunky, but:

Once upon a time in Fairyland, there was a seaside town made of giant turtle skeletons where every newborn child was named after an herb. In that town, called Herbport, a seventeen-year-old changeling lived. She was Chamomile and this was her last day in her home.

I like this a lot. It raises a few interesting questions, and paints a clear picture of the place too. And I think the name of the main character (?) is cute.

 

[DarkWriter223]

Here goes nothing!

The opening and closing of the mouth of the Amazonian wilderness became too much for Jess and Fjord as they weaved their bodies through thick barely bushes and pushed aside gargantuan leaves with their hands. Yet the two were enticed by rumours of an exuberant child who prayed for his life while about to be swallowed by an anaconda, it was sickening to believe such a thing but it was allegedly true. Flies swarmed around Jess as she attempted to swat them away with her hands while sweat trickled down both Jess and Fjord’s forehead, but despite the humidity and exhaustion from both their faces.

 

[Bing Z]

Here goes nothing!

The opening and closing of the mouth of the Amazonian wilderness became too much for Jess and Fjord as they weaved their bodies through thick barely bushes and pushed aside gargantuan leaves with their hands. Yet the two were enticed by rumours of an exuberant child who prayed for his life while about to be swallowed by an anaconda, it was sickening to believe such a thing but it was allegedly true. Flies swarmed around Jess as she attempted to swat them away with her hands while sweat trickled down both Jess and Fjord’s forehead, but despite the humidity and exhaustion from both their faces.

Would not read on.

The sentences are all loaded (the opening line is 35 words long and cannot be read out with one breath) without any variation. But despite the length and words, very little specifics are given. For example, in the first line, we know something opening mouths in the Amazon, but no specifics indicating any imminent danger (thus no tension); in fact, we don't even know whose head we are in--Jess or Fjord or God. I think you've been trying to pack as much information as possible, and in the end lost the focus. The opening of a story need to be either snappy and hooky or portray a scene/situation clearly (hopefully beautifully as well). For me, these sentences don't serve that purpose.

 

[Gramps]

Once upon a time in Fairyland, there was a seaside town made of giant turtle skeletons where every newborn child was named after an herb. In that town, called Herbport, a seventeen-year-old changeling lived. She was Chamomile and this was her last day in her home.

Great depiction of where we are. I like the character's name. We don't know why she is leaving home. Is she forced to? Maybe she can't wait to ditch this place, move to CA and change her name to Moonpie? I would read on.

 

[Gramps]

The opening and closing of the mouth of the Amazonian wilderness became too much for Jess and Fjord as they weaved their bodies through thick barely bushes and pushed aside gargantuan leaves with their hands.

Sorry Darkwriter. You threw everything in here but Tension and the kitchen sink. I have read a few of your pieces and have a general feel for your works. You are extremely vivid in imagery, but sometimes it is at the expense of other requirements. IMHO, you need to shorten the sentences, add tension and a hook for readers and publishers. Gramps

 

[Janine R]

Okay, first draft, so it'll probably be a bit clunky, but:

Once upon a time in Fairyland, there was a seaside town made of giant turtle skeletons where every newborn child was named after an herb. In that town, called Herbport, a seventeen-year-old changeling lived. She was Chamomile and this was her last day in her home.

Think about taking out the name of the town in the second sentence. The name slows it down a bit. In that town, a seventeen-year-old changeling lived. Her name was etc.
I would read on.

 

[Sully317]

This is from an untitled short story of mine.

After forty years of teaching kindergarten through college, Madrid knows it's time for a change. Her husband has left her years ago after long nights of crying or screaming over the stress. She has had too many nights blurred by alcohol.

I'm new here and new to writing, so take this with a grain of salt.

The second half of the opening sentence is telling and unnecessary. If you replace it with the last sentence it could be stronger:

"After forty years of teaching kindergarten through college, Madrid had had too many nights blurred by alcohol."

It's a little wordy, but you get the idea.