[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Thecla

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(Three sentences means it cuts off at a strange place, but I sort of like it. It's also not totally representative of the rest of the story; fewer compound sentences.)

Since Genesis, since the Great Boot-Up, since the first fish plodded onto land to shake its fins dry, men have been unrivaled artisans of infidelity. The funniest, smartest, most breathtakingly sensual creation to roam these green hills could appear, bearing nectarines and lifelong companionship, before a daft, dog-faced man for whom gravity seems to hold a fierce grudge, and he’d still shack up with the babysitter, twenty-one and perky in all the ways you aren’t, citing an uncontrollable simian ferocity of testosterone, even though you know he takes pills for his deficiency.

It’s easy to hate the tart.
I enjoyed this, especially the exuberance of clauses that is sentence 2. Excellent voice. Would go on. Best of luck.
 
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Helix

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(Three sentences means it cuts off at a strange place, but I sort of like it. It's also not totally representative of the rest of the story; fewer compound sentences.)

Since Genesis, since the Great Boot-Up, since the first fish plodded onto land to shake its fins dry, men have been unrivaled artisans of infidelity. The funniest, smartest, most breathtakingly sensual creation to roam these green hills could appear, bearing nectarines and lifelong companionship, before a daft, dog-faced man for whom gravity seems to hold a fierce grudge, and he’d still shack up with the babysitter, twenty-one and perky in all the ways you aren’t, citing an uncontrollable simian ferocity of testosterone, even though you know he takes pills for his deficiency.

It’s easy to hate the tart.

I've read this a few times. That I keep returning to it tells me I have to comment.

I like it, but I don't think it's there yet. It's pulling in several directions and I reckon it needs to be pruned a bit to get it nice and focused.

The piling up in the first sentence -- the rule of threes -- I enjoy in principle, but the specifics grate. The Boot-Up is the Big Bang, I take it? And the emergence of vertebrate life... Neither of those fit with what follows. The second sentence is maybe a bit too wordy, although the rule of threes is applied very well (twice!). The brevity of the third sentence as a punchline and release for the previous two is *chef's kiss*.

ETA: I'm often wrong, so just take what you need.
 
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Janine R

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I like it. Great voice and would read on. It's amusing.
A little confused by the second sentence, the 3 sentences appear to be about an established relationship interrupted by infidelity, but the first part of the second sentence seems to suggest that the “sensual creation” has only just appeared before the fickle man and that he has chosen perky.
 
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alltheashes

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I like the rhythm of this and the variety in sentence length, and I'm intrigued to see where the story is going. I'm not sure I understand "the Great Boot-Up", sorry, but that's a minor quibble.

:troll
Thank you so much! Helix had it spot on in their comment; it's meant to call to mind the Big Bang, but I suspected it would elicit some confusion. It's definitely something I'll need to look at.
 
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alltheashes

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I enjoyed this, especially the exuberance of clauses that is sentence 2. Excellent voice. Would go on. Best of luck.
Wow, that means a lot. Voice is one of those things that feels a bit nebulous to understand, much less employ. Glad to hear it worked for you here. Thank you!
 

alltheashes

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I've read this a few times. That I keep returning to it tells me I have to comment.

I like it, but I don't think it's there yet. It's pulling in several directions and I reckon it needs to be pruned a bit to get it nice and focused.

The piling up in the first sentence -- the rule of threes -- I enjoy in principle, but the specifics grate. The Boot-Up is the Big Bang, I take it? And the emergence of vertebrate life... Neither of those fit with what follows. The second sentence is maybe a bit too wordy, although the rule of threes is applied very well (twice!). The brevity of the third sentence as a punchline and release for the previous two is *chef's kiss*.

ETA: I'm often wrong, so just take what you need.
I appreciate this comment very much, thank you for reading!

You're right on both counts. Yeah, I wrote the first part of that line before the rest of the piece without knowing where the story would go. I'd hoped it'd come off as an exaggeration--"Since time immemorial, men have been unfaithful" sort of thing, but I can see it feeling disconnected. Glad to hear the 'rule of three' and sentence length contrast worked for you!
 
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alltheashes

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I like it. Great voice and would read on. It's amusing.
A little confused by the second sentence, the 3 sentences appear to be about an established relationship interrupted by infidelity, but the first part of the second sentence seems to suggest that the “sensual creation” has only just appeared before the fickle man and that he has chosen perky.
I can definitely see that. I was worried it'd come off that way and your commenting on it means it's probably something I should change. It's very encouraging to hear you enjoyed the voice! Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!
 
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StarsForScales

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(Three sentences means it cuts off at a strange place, but I sort of like it. It's also not totally representative of the rest of the story; fewer compound sentences.)

Since Genesis, since the Great Boot-Up, since the first fish plodded onto land to shake its fins dry, men have been unrivaled artisans of infidelity. The funniest, smartest, most breathtakingly sensual creation to roam these green hills could appear, bearing nectarines and lifelong companionship, before a daft, dog-faced man for whom gravity seems to hold a fierce grudge, and he’d still shack up with the babysitter, twenty-one and perky in all the ways you aren’t, citing an uncontrollable simian ferocity of testosterone, even though you know he takes pills for his deficiency.

It’s easy to hate the tart.

I will have to throw in my vote for not being quite sold on the first sentence. This is strictly personal preference, but if it were me, and I were using the rule of threes in that first sentence, I might use it as more of an escalation instead of a nod to different ideas of how things Came About. Perhaps starting with the Big Bang/birth of stars and conglomeration of planets, proceeding to the emergence from the sea, ending in whenever the first thing recognizable as a human male glanced lustily at the first thing recognizable as a human female. Again, this is personal preference, though, and I can see why you might want to nod to the vastness of creation and creation mythos instead.

The second and third sentences are absolutely excellent. I love the length and intricacy of the second sentence, making you work a little to keep up with it, then ending with the third sentence's stark, relatable, almost crass sentiment. Bravo!
 
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alltheashes

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I will have to throw in my vote for not being quite sold on the first sentence. This is strictly personal preference, but if it were me, and I were using the rule of threes in that first sentence, I might use it as more of an escalation instead of a nod to different ideas of how things Came About. Perhaps starting with the Big Bang/birth of stars and conglomeration of planets, proceeding to the emergence from the sea, ending in whenever the first thing recognizable as a human male glanced lustily at the first thing recognizable as a human female. Again, this is personal preference, though, and I can see why you might want to nod to the vastness of creation and creation mythos instead.

The second and third sentences are absolutely excellent. I love the length and intricacy of the second sentence, making you work a little to keep up with it, then ending with the third sentence's stark, relatable, almost crass sentiment. Bravo!
That's a great suggestion, making it an incremental increase. I think it'd give it more of a sense of rising action than just loosely connected things being listed. Thank you for this robust commentary, the helpful recommendation, and your very kind assessment of the last two sentences. Much appreciated!
 
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