[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

[Eliot rite]

Horror: 1452 words
Title: Look Around

You come home to your apartment room 808, climbing up the arduous six stories, arriving home for a good twelve hour coma for your next gruelling shift. As you fumble the key into the slot the door gives way swaying from a simple shove. You could have sworn you left with the door shut with the little cigarette fire scare from the gas stove in the morning, is someone in here?

 

[James Ryan]

December 3, 1985

I thought that I might write this down in the hope that one day, if it is legally and historically necessary there are written records of my connection to this land in Whinelock, Michigan. I am the child of Richard Milo Ware and Abbey Northfoot and the adopted son of Richard Cannon Lewis and Ezra Mayleen Plenty-Lewis.
I am forever grateful to the Lewis family.

 

[Tegan S.]

This is from an untitled short story of mine.

After forty years of teaching kindergarten through college, Madrid knows it's time for a change. Her husband has left her years ago after long nights of crying or screaming over the stress. She has had too many nights blurred by alcohol.

 

[Nether]

After forty years of teaching kindergarten through college, Madrid knows it's time for a change. Her husband has left her years ago after long nights of crying or screaming over the stress. She has had too many nights blurred by alcohol.

Could use some polishing. The first sentence starts in one place but it feels like the next two go elsewhere.

Beyond that, "a change" is vague. We also don't know who was crying during those long nights or, for that matter, what stress was involved. You mention alcohol but we don't have any real connotation for the problem.

You're basically starting with generalities and a lot of telling, whereas either specifics or something to ground us in the scene might help. Particularly since I'm not even sure why Madrid is contemplating a change when she's been going along with everything so far.

Personally, I don't feel like it's a very promising start. While I'd probably start with or immediately following an incident that convinces her to change, that's just me. There are a lot of ways your opening sentences could be made more engaging. Right now, I think your opening three need work.

 

[Catriona Grace]

This is from an untitled short story of mine.

After forty years of teaching kindergarten through college, Madrid knows it's time for a change. Her husband has left her years ago after long nights of crying or screaming over the stress. She has had too many nights blurred by alcohol.

It's a little confusing. Did her husband do the crying and screaming or did Madrid? Was she the drinker, or did his drinking keep her awake?

 

[Catriona Grace]

December 3, 1985

I thought that I might write this down in the hope that one day, if it is legally and historically necessary there are written records of my connection to this land in Whinelock, Michigan. I am the child of Richard Milo Ware and Abbey Northfoot and the adopted son of Richard Cannon Lewis and Ezra Mayleen Plenty-Lewis.
I am forever grateful to the Lewis family.

A rearranged first sentence might help readability: I am writing this down in case someday it becomes legally and historically necessary to have written records of my connection to this land in Whinelock, Michigan.

 

[Catriona Grace]

My latest short story opening:

After two days of blowing from the north, the wind swung to the southwest and drove the fire straight toward our mountain home. Dirty flakes of ash swirled around us as Miranda and I rushed to load a few precious items into her SUV along with baby Kelly, the most precious cargo of all.

“Take the river road to your mother’s place,” I told her, opening the hatchback so the two golden retrievers could jump into the small space allotted to them amidst hastily assembled possessions.

 

[Magsie]

My latest short story opening:

After two days of blowing from the north, the wind swung to the southwest and drove the fire straight toward our mountain home. Dirty flakes of ash swirled around us as Miranda and I rushed to load a few precious items into her SUV along with baby Kelly, the most precious cargo of all.

“Take the river road to your mother’s place,” I told her, opening the hatchback so the two golden retrievers could jump into the small space allotted to them amidst hastily assembled possessions.

I would say "the most precious cargo of all-- baby Kelly." I think it gives a better pacing.
"Dirty flakes of ash" I would just say 'flakes of ash.' Now we're focusing on the dirtiness of the ash, instead of the fact that there is ash.
All in all, pretty good. There's something off about the first sentence I can't put my finger on, though.

 

[Tegan S.]

Could use some polishing. The first sentence starts in one place but it feels like the next two go elsewhere.

Beyond that, "a change" is vague. We also don't know who was crying during those long nights or, for that matter, what stress was involved. You mention alcohol but we don't have any real connotation for the problem.

You're basically starting with generalities and a lot of telling, whereas either specifics or something to ground us in the scene might help. Particularly since I'm not even sure why Madrid is contemplating a change when she's been going along with everything so far.

Personally, I don't feel like it's a very promising start. While I'd probably start with or immediately following an incident that convinces her to change, that's just me. There are a lot of ways your opening sentences could be made more engaging. Right now, I think your opening three need work.

Thank you for the feedback, I can see where it is lacking now. I have started to struggle with showing instead of telling lately.

 

[Lakey]

After two days of blowing from the north, the wind swung to the southwest and drove the fire straight toward our mountain home. Dirty flakes of ash swirled around us as Miranda and I rushed to load a few precious items into her SUV along with baby Kelly, the most precious cargo of all.

“Take the river road to your mother’s place,” I told her, opening the hatchback so the two golden retrievers could jump into the small space allotted to them amidst hastily assembled possessions.

I love the opening sentence here. The other two sentences are both very long, and feel a little overwritten. (I can give more specifics on this if you want them.) So, I find myself hoping that isn’t a sign of the style of the whole story, because it could get tiring to read. But you’re opening in an arresting place, an attention-grabbing place, and that’s great. You’ve got a clear setting, some character, and you’ve got stakes and urgency.

 

[Lakey]

After forty years of teaching kindergarten through college, Madrid knows it's time for a change. Her husband has left her years ago after long nights of crying or screaming over the stress. She has had too many nights blurred by alcohol.

This sounds like the opening of a synopsis rather than the opening of a story. Can you instead try opening with a scene that shows a bunch of this? Suppose Madrid drunkenly calls her ex-husband and rehashes an argument they had during that crying and screaming time. (Her age and profession can be shown there through dialogue or interiority.) It doesn’t have to literally be that, of course — it’s just a way to think about how you would show this stuff in scene instead of describing it synopsis-style.

 

[Nether]

My latest short story opening:

After two days of blowing from the north, the wind swung to the southwest and drove the fire straight toward our mountain home. Dirty flakes of ash swirled around us as Miranda and I rushed to load a few precious items into her SUV along with baby Kelly, the most precious cargo of all.

“Take the river road to your mother’s place,” I told her, opening the hatchback so the two golden retrievers could jump into the small space allotted to them amidst hastily assembled possessions.

The first sentence is intriguing. The second has a bit of fluff (for instance, is there such a thing as clean flakes of ash? "Dirty" doesn't convey anything that isn't already implied. While the "most precious cargo of all" feels a bit cliche, the character might think in cliches... although, given the other stuff happening, I feel like it might not suit the moment) And the third sentence feels like you were trying to sneak a fourth sentence in there and just played with the punctuation

"Small space allotted to them" is an oddly formal way of saying that, and feels out of place with the tone thus far. It took me out of it on top of everything else.

As the first three sentences, these would turn me off from reading further, but it also sounds like it's not within one of my preferred genres so that doesn't necessarily mean as much as if the story was clearly horror, fantasy, etc, so it might not be a major issue (although I still feel like you should play around with the sentences a little bit)

 

[Catriona Grace]

Input much appreciated. Thank you all. Do you like the following better?

After two days of blowing from the north, the wind swung to the southwest and drove the fire straight toward our mountain home. Flakes of ash swirled around us as Miranda strapped baby Kelly into her car seat.

“Take the river road to your mother’s place,” I told her, opening the hatchback so the golden retriever could jump into the small space allotted to her amidst hastily assembled possessions.

 

[Woollybear]

Yes, I like this, but my inner critic wonders if the third line should feel more urgent--shorter, less attention to the state of the back of the car.

 

[Janine R]

Input much appreciated. Thank you all. Do you like the following better?

After two days of blowing from the north, the wind swung to the southwest and drove the fire straight toward our mountain home. Flakes of ash swirled around us as Miranda strapped baby Kelly into her car seat.

“Take the river road to your mother’s place,” I told her, opening the hatchback so the golden retriever could jump into the small space allotted to her amidst hastily assembled possessions.

This one is better. I think the escalating tension of the scene would be better served if the last sentence ended with the dog jumping in. It seems unlikely that your character would-be thinking about what they already know—that the car is jammed with hastily assembled possessions —and this phrase distances us and puts us outside the perspective of the character.

 

[Lakey]

After two days of blowing from the north, the wind swung to the southwest and drove the fire straight toward our mountain home. Flakes of ash swirled around us as Miranda strapped baby Kelly into her car seat.

“Take the river road to your mother’s place,” I told her, opening the hatchback so the golden retriever could jump into the small space allotted to her amidst hastily assembled possessions.

Definite improvement in the second sentence. For the third sentence, while I appreciate the reduction in the number of dogs (it saves a word or two), it does add another female pronoun to the mix (you already have "her" referring to the baby once and Kelly once).

More seriously, it's still overwritten and bogging down the urgency of what's going on. These are two separate issues for me: (1) the long sentence which could be broken into two thoughts to maintain a snappy pace appropriate to the urgency of the situation (consider using the opening of the hatchback as an action tag instead of having both dialogue tag and action); (2) the lots of adjectives and particularly adjectival phrases "small space allotted to her", "hastily assembled possessions." I think this particular scene and situation would benefit from expressing these ideas more economically.

This probably feels like nitpicking, and in a way it is -- careful line editing is all about the nitpicking. But as I said above, what you have now it makes me wonder whether the whole story will get bogged down by overwriting and wordiness, so it's a particularly dangerous thing to do in an opening--all the moreso when opening on a high-energy, charged situation. This might be a case where posting a few hundred words in SYW might get you more comprehensive feedback that you can apply to the story as a whole.

 

[Fi Webster]

I like how immediately we're thrown by these opening sentences into frantic action! I have a few thoughts that may or may not he helpful. Not better ways of phrasing things, just alternatives to think about. Take them with a heaping of salt. I'm just trying to visualize this scene.

Given how critical fire and wind and home are, could you bring one or more of them further forward in the first sentence? Like "The wind blew steadily for two days from the north, then swung to the southwest and drove the fire toward our mountain home."

Are the cardinal directions even important, given that we don't know the lay of the land? You might say instead, "For two days we thought our home in the mountains would be safe from the fire. Then suddenly the wind swung round and drove the blaze right toward us." Or bring the fire forward, like "For two days the line of fire seemed distant from our home in the mountains. Then suddenly the wind swung round, driving the blaze right toward us."

You use the word "into" in two places where "in" might sound more natural: "strapped baby Kelly in her car seat" and "so the golden retriever could jump in."

"Flakes of ash swirled around us" might be more vivid if the ash is directly connected to one of the people, like "Flakes of ash were blowing onto Miranda's dark hair (or shirt) as she strapped baby Kelly in the car seat."

The line about "Take the river road to your mother's place" makes it sound like the speaker is being left behind. Is he or she not leaving with Miranda, baby, and dog? If the speaker is leaving, they'd say, "Let's take the river road to your mother's place."

I did pause to wonder about there being a river in the mountains. I don't think of a mountain as having a river—usually smaller bodies of water like creeks and streams going downhill. Are they right next to a valley with a river running down the middle of it? If so, wouldn't there a be a connecting road going down the mountain to that valley?

The final words of "small space allotted to her amidst hastily assembled possessions" has a lot of sibilance: eight S sounds, the last three of them double S's. "Amidst" and "allotted" and "possessions" all sound rather formal for so urgent a situation. What about something like "I opened the hatchback so our golden retriever could jump in between (or next to) the few things we'd quickly gathered. 'Let's take the river road to your mother's place.'"

The more I think about the sequence of events, the more it seems to me they'd have already discussed the route before leaving the house. "Oh no, the fire's coming our way" then "Let's go down to your mom's place." It doesn't seem like the decision about where they're going wouldn't be happening until stuff and baby and dog are almost ready to go.

But I don't know what's happening next (like is the speaker deciding to stay behind at the last minute, to spray water on the house?), so my image of the sequence could be off...

 

[Catriona Grace]

Thank you for the responses. The time and thought you all put into them is much appreciated.

Just to clarify for the curious: The speaker is indeed staying behind. We do have rivers in our mountains here- not something the size of the Brazos, for example, but rivers none the less. Fires in the mountains change directions and speeds quickly, which leads to making split second decisions on the best avenue of escape.

 

[Catriona Grace]

Once more, then I'll surrender the thread to the next sentences.

After two days of blowing from the north, the wind swung to the southwest and drove the fire straight toward our mountain home. Miranda strapped baby Kelly into her car seat as flakes of ash swirled around us.

“Take the river road to your mother’s place,” I told her, opening the hatchback to let the golden retriever jump into a narrow space between hastily assembled possessions.

 

[TellMeAStory]

Try this, Catronia, try putting the swirling ash right after the fire--because they ARE related--then let Miranda strap in that baby.

 

[Catriona Grace]

Thank you, TellMeAStory.

 

[rayandwren]

This is from an untitled short story of mine.

After forty years of teaching kindergarten through college, Madrid knows it's time for a change. Her husband has left her years ago after long nights of crying or screaming over the stress. She has had too many nights blurred by alcohol.

I really like the premise of this story! Flash fiction is so difficult to perfect because you're so limited. Your second sentence is a bit clunky. I would read it out loud a few times to see how you can edit it. Did he leave her because of her alcohol abuse? or did they just fight and that is the stress you mention? Overall I love the concept! keep reworking it

 

[rayandwren]

Horror: 1452 words
Title: Look Around

I love horror/thriller content, so this really caught my eye. I think you should look into your word choice because you use the same word in the sentence more than once and it feels redundant. I'd love to read the edit! good luck!

 

[alltheashes]

(Three sentences means it cuts off at a strange place, but I sort of like it. It's also not totally representative of the rest of the story; fewer compound sentences.)

Since Genesis, since the Great Boot-Up, since the first fish plodded onto land to shake its fins dry, men have been unrivaled artisans of infidelity. The funniest, smartest, most breathtakingly sensual creation to roam these green hills could appear, bearing nectarines and lifelong companionship, before a daft, dog-faced man for whom gravity seems to hold a fierce grudge, and he’d still shack up with the babysitter, twenty-one and perky in all the ways you aren’t, citing an uncontrollable simian ferocity of testosterone, even though you know he takes pills for his deficiency.

It’s easy to hate the tart.

 

[Tocotin]

(Three sentences means it cuts off at a strange place, but I sort of like it. It's also not totally representative of the rest of the story; fewer compound sentences.)

Since Genesis, since the Great Boot-Up, since the first fish plodded onto land to shake its fins dry, men have been unrivaled artisans of infidelity. The funniest, smartest, most breathtakingly sensual creation to roam these green hills could appear, bearing nectarines and lifelong companionship, before a daft, dog-faced man for whom gravity seems to hold a fierce grudge, and he’d still shack up with the babysitter, twenty-one and perky in all the ways you aren’t, citing an uncontrollable simian ferocity of testosterone, even though you know he takes pills for his deficiency.

It’s easy to hate the tart.

I like the rhythm of this and the variety in sentence length, and I'm intrigued to see where the story is going. I'm not sure I understand "the Great Boot-Up", sorry, but that's a minor quibble.