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Thanks! I'm going to try to get to that later today maybe!Your hook and that comment got me curious, I hope you'll post in the 200 words thread!
Thanks! I'm going to try to get to that later today maybe!Your hook and that comment got me curious, I hope you'll post in the 200 words thread!
With history, there is always something new to learn, and easy too if it's about something that fascinates you.Per the rules, I'm only critiquing the first three (although if the missing full stop means the sentence didn't actually end... lol - sorry that's not a critique...)
The first sentence is long and I found it a little hard to read, but in spite of that I like it. I also had to google check to see if this was a real person or not (sorry my knowledge of history outside of Europe is very poor, actually my knowledge of European history isn't wonderful. I'm good at prehistory until the upper palaeolithic era) - so if he's not a real person then his voice is extremely convincing. I'm interested and would read on.
If your intent is to go for traditional publishing with your book I head that one of the pet peeves of agents is a character waking up(from a dream, coma, etc) on the first page. If not, you can write whatever you want. Well, you can write whatever you want either way )Hey everyone I think I shall share my first 3 sentences
The boy eyes slowly opened but all that can be seen is a blur, the bright light beaming directly onto the face did not help. Listening to the surroundings an ECG can be heard. Afraid and unaware of what is going on panick starts to take over.
Yes. me too. Silla period books are hard to find. Actually, all I could find were history books. Well, the period is not so well documented. But that for writers spells Opportunity and creative liberty (a little)I would definitely read on. Korean history is fascinating to me. Especially the reveal about where in history this takes place in. I've read books about Joseon and Goryeo but Silla is new.
I would read on but I can not say I am hooked. I would continue reading for curiosity. To have me hooked tell me something about how he feels, not just what he feels. Is he afraid, is he hot or cold? is he eager for something? You might have these details later on but the sooner you make me feel alongside your character the better and the first 3 lines are the best place to start. (sorry if my sentences sound weird or off, but I am not a native English speaker)Hello all--
Ok, here goes, I'm gonna post my 1st three sentences. This is from a YA sci-fi. Would you read on?
I’m alone in the smoking ruins. I walk past a crater, a pile of bodies, a tall building half-destroyed. Projectiles whiz past my ear; an explosion shakes the ground under my feet.
Why does he pee every two hours?I'm probably going to start editing/revising/slamming-my-head-against-the-keyboard my NaNo project by the end of the month (or the start of the next), so I figured I'd share my first three sentences:
Eleven hours on the road and six piss jars later – their contents partially marinated in the sun – and Jack saw the sign for Calico Falls, signaling his long journey was nearing its end. A small, quiet town with lots of forests and caves, Calico Falls checked off every mark on his wish list. It was the kind of place a person could really lose himself, and hopefully the sort of area nobody would notice somebody going missing.
Eleven hours on the road and six piss jars later – their contents partially marinated in the sun – and Jack saw the sign for Calico Falls, signaling his long journey was nearing its end. A small, quiet town with lots of forests and caves, Calico Falls checked off every mark on his wish list. It was the kind of place a person could really lose himself, and hopefully the sort of area nobody would notice somebody going missing.
Huh. I know too many truck-drivers."piss jars" threw me, because while I know in all probability you mean booze,
I like the premise; it sounds like the Rockton series. There's also everything I love in an opening: MC's desires or feelings, setting, something to catch my interest (the town).Eleven hourson the roadand six piss jars later – their contentspartiallymarinated in the sun –and[comma] Jack saw the sign for Calico Falls,[period]signalinghis long journey was nearing its end. A small, quiet town with lots of forests and caves, Calico Falls checked off every mark on his wish list. It was the kind of place a person could really lose himself, and hopefully the sort of area nobody would notice somebody going missing. This is a bit long and awkward. Maybe, "You could lose yourself here--nobody would notice he'd went missing" or something.
Huh. I know too many truck-drivers.
A piss-jar down here is whatever you pee in while you're driving (so as not to waste time stopping).
Um - it's a truck-driver thing, not a little old lady thing.
Truckies don't use their brakes if they can help it (in Australia, anyway). Petrol costs are massively worked into the profit margin. Brakes cost petrol (when you - unbrake...)That's interesting. I never heard of that before. I thought they just stopped at service stations or those lorry laybys (some of them have portaloos and some have bushes).
For that little added context:I wasn't sure whether to mention things like genre, since it wasn't listed in the rules post.Yes, it's horror, the piss jars are literal, and the MC is a werewolf who tries to keep a low profile.
Thanks for the input so far.
Although it could also be a truck driver with diabetes thing is there are way too many. LolHuh. I know too many truck-drivers.
A piss-jar down here is whatever you pee in while you're driving (so as not to waste time stopping).
Um - it's a truck-driver thing, not a little old lady thing.
That worked for me. I slipped into it. I am interested in Calico Falls. I was amused by the piss-jars (and further amused by the arising discussion on it here. Heehee). I’m interested in that nobody will notice someone going missing.I'm probably going to start editing/revising/slamming-my-head-against-the-keyboard my NaNo project by the end of the month (or the start of the next), so I figured I'd share my first three sentences:
Eleven hours on the road and six piss jars later – their contents partially marinated in the sun – and Jack saw the sign for Calico Falls, signaling his long journey was nearing its end. A small, quiet town with lots of forests and caves, Calico Falls checked off every mark on his wish list. It was the kind of place a person could really lose himself, and hopefully the sort of area nobody would notice somebody going missing.
Honestly, I would totally read that. Reminds me of another story I once read about a serial killer in a small town that uses a watch as his calling card. The first body was found in the woods, with the animals having chewed it up so much that it was difficult for the detectives to identify anything with it.However, I live in a small, woodsy coastal town and we really notice when someone from here goes missing. But if they weren’t from home then… there are tourists who die due to not understanding tides and the ocean in general so stumbling across a body has annual regularity here. In the woods there are also plenty of places to leave a body. There are also bears, but so far no bear attacks. They are content with raiding garbages. Why aren’t I writing a local murder story? Think think think… it sounds like I better. Lol.
I like this more than the last opening you posted since it gives me a better sense of your protagonist, but on a sentence level, it feels repetitive. All three sentences basically say 'He didn't know why he did it'. In the third sentence, it's particularly noticeable, as 'split second', 'a flash' and 'like a bolt of lightning' all tell us the same thing. Of the three, I like the lightning bolt metaphor the most, you could easily cut the other two without changing the meaning of the sentence.Jimmy didn’t know why he had stowed away on an airship. Didn’t know why he ignored the itch in the back of his head that always told him when something was a bad idea or when he should abort a plan due to screwed it had become, but he did it anyway. The idea just came to him in a split second—a flash of inspiration that came to his mind like a bolt of lightning and, like a bolt of lightning, traces of it lingered in the dark cloudy sky that was his mindscape long enough for him to act on it before he even realized what was going on.
Jimmy didn’t know why he had stowed away on an airship. Didn’t know why he ignored the itch in the back of his head that always told him when something was a bad idea or when he should abort a plan due to screwed it had become, but he did it anyway. The idea just came to him in a split second—a flash of inspiration that came to his mind like a bolt of lightning and, like a bolt of lightning, traces of it lingered in the dark cloudy sky that was his mindscape long enough for him to act on it before he even realized what was going on.
That's 111 words, and I only know Jimmy is stowed away on an airship and he doesn't know why (and so do we). Like neandermagnon, the moment I knew he is on the airship, I wanted to know his present status. Backstory can wait.Jimmy didn’t know why he had stowed away on an airship. Didn’t know why he ignored the itch in the back of his head that always told him when something was a bad idea or when he should abort a plan due to screwed it had become, but he did it anyway. The idea just came to him in a split second—a flash of inspiration that came to his mind like a bolt of lightning and, like a bolt of lightning, traces of it lingered in the dark cloudy sky that was his mindscape long enough for him to act on it before he even realized what was going on.
Yeah, it was probably a big mistake to read a Stephen King work before revising something. The man can set atmosphere very well, but there are just so many tangents.That's 111 words, and I only know Jimmy is stowed away on an airship and he doesn't know why (and so do we). Like neandermagnon, the moment I knew he is on the airship, I wanted to know his present status. Backstory can wait.
Yeah, it was probably a big mistake to read a Stephen King work before revising something. The man can set atmosphere very well, but there are just so many tangents.
Time to throw myself to the wolves. Here's the first three of a gothic fantasy novel I've been working on:
Charlie stood stiffly on the front stoop of her cottage, eyes trained down the strip of weed-riddled dirt that counted for a road that deep in the mountains. Paper birch trees obscured her view, clusters of peeling, bone-white trunks surrounding her on all sides. The bars of her prison.
Charlie stood stiffly on the front stoop of her cottage, eyes trained down the strip of weed-riddled dirt that counted for a road that deep in the mountains. Paper birch trees obscured her view, clusters of peeling, bone-white trunks surrounding her on all sides. The bars of her prison.