View Full Version : I can't run anymore

04-17-2008, 12:17 PM
As many of you know, the doctor put me on Lexapro a few weeks ago for depression. I've lost too much weight and sleeping is almost non-existant. Not that I didn't have insomnia before, but it's worse now. I thought I was feeling better.

I had an appointment with a therapist and they called and cancelled. I thought it was crazy. It took my whole life to ask for help, then they shut me out for a later date.

My wife has been very distant lately. Avoiding me. Today she went 'shopping'. I picked up my bike and thought everything would work out.

She came home and made my supper and had a very nice conversation. Again I thought all was OK.

I've told this here before, but I tried to kill myself last year twice, It wasn't some attention grabbing scheme. It was the real thing.

I haven't told this part- I attempted again the other day. I thought life was over. Blackness enveloped me and I just couldn't take anymore. The more I tried to laugh and be one of the gang, the darker it got.

I've been convinced there's a plot in my own house to toss me to the curb. I suspected the babysitter and my wife were planning it. They've been talking alot in secret lately and changing the subject when I show up.

Come to find out, there is a plot. A plot to try and help me. A few minutes ago my wife came in the room and explained she was feeling guilty for deceiving me and I had to agree to go get help or I had to go. She was tired of watching me destroy myself. That drove her from home more and more. The babysitter was hired to keep an eye on me and help me with the kids.

Apparently the counsellor and my wife had spent many hours over many sessions dreaming up some way to knock down my defenses so I would go along like a good boy. I've always been a fighter and resist things I don't want to do.

My missus never told them about the last attempt, so I could go along on my own without the indignity of being taken by force.

I know I'm not getting all this right, but I'm trying to piece together the whole thing from conversations and events.

The long and short of it is I have been given an ultimatum. I leave in the morning for 28 days stay in a facility to help me get better. My head hurts so bad. I'm exhausted from the stress this has hit me with. But the fight is gone now. I can't run anymore. My back is against the wall and all the exits are sealed.

My dear wife said she is proud of me for being brave enough to face the problem. I didn't face it. I was played into a corner and lost. Or won. Depends on how you look at it.

Don't forget me and I'm sorry I gave the babysitter diarrhea.

04-17-2008, 08:13 PM
Okay, I get it now.

Remember your wife is thinking more clearly than you are at this point.

I once had to remind my mom when she was out of sorts that I was healthier than she was at the moment and that she should listen to me. I also told her that when she was in a healthier state of mind she could be my mom again but it never happened. She died, from a stupid pill addiction. I will never have a mom nor will it be the one I've always longed for.

Think of your wife and who you would like to be for her. She could have handed you the means to die. Instead she handed you the means to live.

Take it.


04-17-2008, 08:34 PM
I'm so glad you're getting the help you deserve. I won't forget you for a minute. We'll be here when you get back -- BFT, The Sequel.

04-17-2008, 08:46 PM
Holy crap BFT.

The fact that your wife is standing by you through this is evidence she loves you.

Sending prayers for your recovery.

04-17-2008, 08:46 PM

I'm happy to hear you will be getting the help you need. Open your heart and mind to accept the assistance and love you've been given.

Prayers sent for you. Of course we won't forget you.

04-17-2008, 09:09 PM
BFT - We'll all be here for you when you come back. Please take care of yourself, and remember there's a whole community pulling for you.


04-17-2008, 09:33 PM
Writing is your exit and only you hold the key.

Good Luck

04-17-2008, 11:15 PM
Sounds like you got the answer to all the prayers your friends here at AW have been offering, both in your loving wife's intervention and your own change of mind.

Good luck, and I know the prayers will be continuing for you.

04-17-2008, 11:24 PM
BFT, you will be in my prayers. You can do this.

04-17-2008, 11:54 PM
As a newbie, I just wanted to say that I've really enjoyed your posts (lurked for 2mo before joining) and I will be thinking of you. I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain or rather, so numb? Remember there are many who would suffer your loss. I wish you well, I wish you happiness and a renewed will to live and enjoy life.

DL Hegel
04-18-2008, 12:06 AM
BFT we will miss you and keep a spot open just for you. Be happy. Be well.
Be safe. And never regret yesterday--just live today.


04-18-2008, 12:13 AM
Be safe BFT.

You'll be in my prayers :Hug2:

I won't forget you either.

04-18-2008, 12:21 AM
OH BFT, Don't look at it as a conspiracy, but as your wife trying to help you and doing the best she can. She obviously loves you. I'll pray for you and remember you, as will a lot of us here. HUG.

04-18-2008, 12:32 AM
I've barely interacted with you, but I've lurked your threads at times, so I know you well enough to save you a seat right next to me for when you return. Yeah, you'll want to sit by somebody else soon enough, but I gotcha first. (I'll bring cookies and catch you up on the gossip, so it'll be worth your while.)

The people who only know you online care deeply about you nevertheless, and your wife loves you as much as she loves herself. This is a seriously good woman, and when it's difficult to work at getting better for yourself, because you just don't want to try that hard or hurt that much, please do it for her.

Maryn, sending positive vibes your way, so if you have any fillings that feel weird, ignore it

04-18-2008, 12:43 AM
Be well BFT, haven't spoke much to you but in those brief exchanges I realise you are a top notch guy. Hold on, be strong, and come back better than ever!


04-18-2008, 12:58 AM
BFT, we are all here, saving your spot, and wishing you well. Take care of yourself. Your marriage must be strong and your wife must love you to the ends of the earth to do what she did. That is hard to find, so hold on to it with everything you've got.

04-18-2008, 03:06 AM
You've done the hardest part, excepting and admitting you need some help. I'm so glad you failed 3X. Better days are ahead. A month is nothing if they can let the sun back in. Write when you are able. :Hug2:

04-18-2008, 04:14 AM
Rick, you have held on this long- now be strong enough to let someone get close enough to help- please

04-18-2008, 04:21 AM
BFT, I'm so sorry that you have all this to deal with. Please get well and know we're here for you. Much prayer and good vibes sent your way. You're a special friend. :Hug2:

Appalachian Writer
04-18-2008, 05:27 AM
BFT, I have no idea when you'll be able to read this, considering the situation, but I want you to know that I'm praying hard for a quick recovery. Just remember, these things take time. You've got a great group of kids and a loving wife who's willing to support you through all this. Not many people can say that, and you have friends. We can't reach out and hold your hand, but we do care. It's written all over these boards. While you're away, we'll miss your humor and your wisdom. Take care of yourself, and try to keep a postive thought. When I perform a wedding ceremony, I always include a little comment on the sorrow that each of us endures in this life. Remember, "a joy shared is doubled but a sorrow shared is halved." From the comments here, there are many people willing to share the sorrow. Never be afraid to share that part of your life. And as for the babsitter...well...we'll send us some virtual anti-diarrheal medication. She'll get over it.

04-18-2008, 05:38 AM
I'm adding my prayers, both for you and your lovely wife. She obviously loves you so very much, so let those defenses down and let her help you. From everything I've seen, you're one helluva guy :D Take care, okay?

04-18-2008, 06:01 AM
Hey, I sincerely hope you get over that ordeal. I hope you'll soon find your raison d'etre.

04-18-2008, 07:29 PM
Hang in there Rick.

04-18-2008, 07:36 PM
I wish you well bft. Good luck.

04-19-2008, 01:20 AM
Oh, Rick. I know it sounds trite, but I'm sending so many hugs and prayers your way right now. You'll get through this.