Am I doing this all wrong???????

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mdmkay

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:Shrug: The last time I posted a story on the share your work forum I got no response (0), and so then I posted here and got some really great advice. After reading the critiques I decided that the reason I didn't get any comments on the other board is because since I was new maybe they were scared to tell me it sucked so they just didn't say anything. One of the commenters told me that I was supposed to post that type of posting on the share your work forum.........so........early today I tried posting another children's story and either it also sucks and everyone is still to nice to say anything or I guess its possible that some don't feel comfortable commenting on children's writing.........I don't know (help me I'm rambling and I lost my brain several minutes ago). I do seriously need to know if this story is up to par as far as being publishable for the middle reader. I hope you forgive me if doing something wrong. I'll go ahead and post it here and if anyone could tell me what it is that I'm screwing up on I'd be eternally grateful (i.e. is there more than one share your work site?? Should I be putting something special in the title line? Not post the whole story (I know better than that if it was a really long story like a YA book)???........(sigh, I really hope I'm not breaking any rules of etiquette or the site).

I'm trying to decide if this mss. is good enough to try and publish it. I realise that now a days you can get just about anything published if you want to bad enough but I'm talking about publishing with a traditional house. Please feel free to give me your honest opinion I can take it. I'd much rather find this out now then after 50 rejection slips (wouldn't you agree?). Please forgive the formatting; I still haven't quite mastered posting correctly to here from word yet. This is aimed at the middle grade reader (6-8)

MAXWELL SAVES THE DAY

“Mike, have you finished cleaning out the

garage?” his mom looked up from wiping her hands.

“I guess so. I kept a few things out to take over to Pauls. We need to get started on our project for the science fair at school this year.” Mike grabbed a still warm cookie from the table. His mom playfully swatted his hand away before he could get anymore. They smiled at each other; this was a game they played every time she baked cookies. Mike never could wait until they cooled down before snitching at least one.

“Well, you got me again Mom, but as soon as those cool down. Watch out!” Mike threw back as he started to walk out to the garage.

“Between you and Paul it’s a wonder anyone else in the house ever gets any cookies.” Her voice full of laughter followed him from the house.

Mike’s parents were really great about letting him and his friend, Paul, store their left over parts and equipment in the garage. When their stuff got to the point of crowding out his dad’s car they would have Mike go through the miscellaneous stuff stored there and throw out what wasn’t needed. Today, however, after Mike had thrown out more than half the stuff he’d saved, even he had to agree that he got carried away with all the stuff he thought would be useful. For instance, why had he kept this empty barrel? Right now it was proving useful because he was standing on it while trying to reach to an old coffee can on the shelf. What did he think they were going to do with an old coffee can full of odd nuts and bolts? Just as his hand touched the top of the can, the barrel started to tip. Mike tried to keep it from falling over by jumping awkwardly off of it before it fell. Unfortunately his timing wasn’t the best. He ended up in a heap on the floor and the coffee can smacked him in the back of the head. He picked himself up, and put the can on top of the barrel while he dusted himself off. He was picking up the nuts and bolts that fell on the floor when an idea struck him. The can sitting on top of the barrel reminded him of something. …

Wouldn’t that make a really cool body for a robot? He thought as he tried to imagine what it would look like after they fixed it up. He and Paul had been trying unsuccessfully to work out a plan for the science fair for this year. A robot would be a great idea. It had to be a better than that automatic tent they had entered last year. The judges were pretty ticked off when it had malfunctioned and accidentally wrapped itself around one of the judge’s legs. They had finally gotten the shop teacher to saw it into pieces so the judge could get free himself. It blew their chances at a ribbon. Their teacher had at least given them a C for the paper they had written about how it was “supposed” to work. Mike threw away most the stuff he had put in the wagon so he could fit the barrel and coffee can in. He had also saved some other stuff that they might be able to use. After straightening the rest of the garage he was ready to take the wagon over to Paul’s house. Paul lived on the same block so it wasn’t long before he arrived at Paul’s with his wagon flowing over with “cool” stuff.

“Hey Mike, what are you gonna do with all this junk?” Paul picked up an empty coffee can off the top.

‘It’s not junk! It’s going to be a robot. I even have a name for him. I’m going to name him Maxwell.” Mike snapped back quite indignantly, grabbing the Maxwell House coffee can from him. “We’ll call him Max for short.”

“And it’s so original too.” Paul sneered under his breath as he followed Mike up to the garage to unload the cart. More than once Paul had gone along with one of Mike’s harebrained schemes. Sometimes they worked but more often than not, they landed them in a heap of trouble.

While pulling out parts and sorting them on the basement floor of Paul’s house Paul came across a couple of things that didn’t fit with the other stuff, but made him laugh. There were two long fancy feathers attached to a couple of headbands.

“Oh geez, Mike, why did you have to bring these along? It isn’t like I could ever forget what happened. Wasn’t my total humiliation then enough for you?” Paul laughed good naturedly to show he wasn’t mad.

They both started to laugh as they remembered the night they were wearing those headbands. It had been along time ago but the headbands brought the whole event back clearly for both of them.

They were spending the night at Mike’s house that night. They had found an old tent someone had left in the garage. Not believing their great luck, of course they had to dig for more. They found a corncob pipe, two suede strips of cloth, and a couple of pretty…….well lets just say flamboyant feathers from a lady’s hat. They were so thrilled with all they found. They decided right then and there that they wanted to become blood brothers. They were all set. They had a tent, headbands, and most importantly of all their peace pipe. They were ready! NO PROBLEM. Well, maybe trying to get the tent set up was a problem but after a lot of struggle they had it up. NO PROBLEM.

“Do we have everything we need?” Paul looked around.

“Shoot, no. if we are going to smoke the peace pipe like they did in the movies we need something to put in the pipe to make it smoke.” Mike looked around trying to figure out what he could use in the pipe. Just as he was almost out of ideas he noticed his neighbor’s hay bale sitting beside some rabbit cages. He looked around to make sure no one was watching, ran over, and grabbed a handful of hay.

“This will work. Do you still have those matches we found yesterday?” Mike had tied the cloth around his head and was sticking one of the feathers in it. It was quite comical seeing the boy’s faces so serious and intent. The suede clothe made a great head band, but frankly the long swooping royal blue fancy feather did take something away from the effect they were trying to achieve. To make matters even worse Paul’s feather was bright yellow and even larger!

“Yea, in my pocket. What do you want to do first?” Paul reached into his pocket and pulled out the matches and the small pocketknife he carried. The light from the flashlight, however, reflected off the knife blade making it look very big and very sharp! Paul held it out to Mike with a wicked grin.

“Uh…I think we should smoke the pipe first.” Mike gulped. He quickly stuffed some hay into the pipe and shoved it into Paul’s hand. “Here, you go first since you brought the matches.”

They were inside the tent sitting cross-legged when Paul put the lit match to the pipe. He slowly began to inhale. He hadn’t even begun to blow out the smoke before he turned a strange shade of green which turned to blue and then purple. His body began to heave and he promptly threw up on Mike’s new pair of tennis shoes. Mike was so surprised the he yelped and immediately jumped to his feet. “I can’t believe you just did that! These are my new shoes Paul.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help it. I swear I’m never going to try and smoke again. That was horrible.” Paul groaned, weakly wiping his chin with his shirt.

They hadn’t noticed in the confusion that the still burning pipe had been dropped. They smelled something burning; the blanket! Mike grabbed the blanket and started jumping and stomping, trying to put out the flames. The next thing they knew they were hearing the sound of sirens! They realized as the sirens got closer that they were headed for their house. You guessed it. They now had a really BIG PROBLEM. One of the neighbors had seen the smoke and called the fire department. Now, the only did they have a big problem they knew that once more one of their big problem’s was going to land them in big trouble with their parents.



Paul did have to admit that they had lots of adventures and fun even when their ideas didn’t turn out to well. Besides he hadn’t really thought up anything to great for the science fair project either. They always had fun working together, and if it did work just think of the prize they could win. If it didn’t they could always show the parts that did work. Frankly he had been kind of bored lately. The thought of making and interconnecting the inner components that would be required to making a really good robot work, well it was almost more than his inquisitive mind could resist. The challenge and complexity of it all was definitely right up his alley. HE WAS IN!

Several weeks went by. Paul and Mike worked every day on Max. They drew up plans for how they wanted Max to look. Paul worked on the electronics and programming, while Mike worked on Max’s body. He took the metal barrel, coffee can, and other scraps of metal down to the machine shop to be shaped into a suitable body to be able to hold all the mechanics and circuitry that Max would need. Mike used a diagram that Paul had drawn out for Max’s expandable arms. They used flexible dryer ducts to ground and enclose telescoping metal cylinders. They had decided to go with the three-prong pincher design for the hands. They spent every day at Paul’s house working on Max, They used an old cut up car tire to protect and cushion his ‘fingers’ and other parts of the body. A part of the platform, and the rollers from an old office chair, special shocks, worked great after being oiled and modified. They gave a flexible but balanced wheelbase that turned easily and was able to go over rough terrain. All that was left to do was for Paul to install and hook up Max’s circuitry. Then they could waterproof and paint him.

A couple of days had gone by before Paul had called Mike over to see what he had finished on Max. When Mike entered the garage, it was obvious that Paul had made a few changes. He had replaced the eyes that had previously just been painted, with red lights that blinked on and off. As Mike came closer, he could see Paul working behind the robot on what looked to be some kind of circuitry board with wires going every which way.

“There, I think I’ve got it. Just two more circuits and we’re done,” Paul called out, as he soldered another wire onto the circuit board.

“Wow, I didn’t think it would be this complicated. I was just going to put together some cans and spare parts,” Mike wiped the sweat from his brow. “I hope after all this we can make it work.”

Maxwell the robot looked magnificent. He had been painted metallic silver with detailing done in metallic reds and blues. He was quite a sight to behold. Both boys were quite proud of their accomplishment. Paul had programmed all his actions to be controllable by a hand held control that was small and compact. All of Max’s functions were also downloaded into the computer that Paul kept in his basement. Paul gave Mike a quick lesson on how to use the hand controller. Which knob or button was for what action. First, he showed him how to lengthen or shorten Max’s arms by turning a knob right or left. He went on to tell Mike that he had programmed the computer to trace Max’s every movement on a graph. Paul had also used radar to keep Max from bumping into things. Soon it would be time for testing. Paul and Mike thought and thought about what would be a good first test for Maxwell. It would have to be simple enough to observe all of Max’s functions. Yet, it would have to be complex enough to give Max a good test of his components. After they had thought for awhile, Mike exclaimed, “I have a great idea. It’s time for me to feed and water my dog. Why don’t we have Max do it?”

“That would be a pretty good test but aren’t your parents home? We not ready to have Max seen yet. At least not until we’ve got him tested and all the bugs worked out,” Paul rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

“That’s the beauty of the plan. No one is home. They all went to the movies tonight. I stayed home so I could stay over here longer,” Mike said.

“Sounds good, give me a minute to program in the instructions we need and we’ll be ready.” Paul was already at the computer starting to type in configurations and maps and all kinds of things that Mike didn’t totally understand yet.

“Alright, I’ll test the computer in the basement and you go to the fence so you can see how Max does. Here, take this walkie-talkie with you so we can stay in contact just in case,” Paul’s mind had already turn to going over the list of maneuvers it would take to get Maxwell to perform the task properly.

“In case of what?” Mike asked nervously. He always got a little nervous every time it came time to test one their new inventions, you just never knew what might happen.

“Just in case the computer doesn’t work right, you take the hand control. That way we will have every possible problem covered,” Paul predicted confidently.



Within fifteen minutes, they were both in position. Paul in the basement, Max in the yard, and Mike was standing by the fence.

“Ready to start?” Paul’s voice came over the walkie-talkie.

“Ready,” Mike replied.

“All systems go then. I’ll control him from here, so I can check the charting mechanism on the computer screen. Here we go.”

Mike watched as Max’s lights came on. He rolled on his silver wheels going around the obstacles that they had placed on the lawn. Mike felt so proud as he watched, he felt like his heart would burst right out of his chest.

“How is it going so far?” Paul’s voice startled Mike.

“So far, so good. He’s doing great. I wish you could see him,” Mike proudly responde.

“O.K. let’s take him through the gate,” Paul instructed.

Max rolled over to the gate. Mike did think it was odd when Max stopped as if he was examining the gate. He forgot about it though as soon as Max lifted the latch and rolled on through. He was great!

He’s as good as those robots you see on T.V., thought Mike excitedly.

Max picked up the dog, Sam’s empty water bowl, turned on the water, and filled it. Everything was going like clockwork. The only thing they hadn’t counted on was the dog’s reaction to being served his water by a robot. As soon as Max approached the dog with its bowl, Sam was standing guard in front of his house. His teeth bared, Sam began to growl and snarl at Max. Suddenly Sam lunged to snap at Max’s arm. Sam was going nuts barking, lunging, and biting at the robot. He spilled the water out of the bowl splashing both Max and himself. Max continued on doing what he was programmed to do and put the dish down by the doghouse and paid no attention to the antics of the dog of course. Until… as Max was turning to leave, Sam clamped down with his teeth on Max’s arm. Without warning, Max turned back, lifted his other arm and with his rubber covered “finger” reached out and thumped the dog on his head.

Sam was so surprised he let go of the robot immediately and with his tail between his legs, went running and yelping out of the yard.

“What the????” Mike yelled, horrified at Max’s behavior.

“What’s going on? I’ve told him to come back, but he not moving according to the graph,” came Paul’s concerned voice from the walkie-talkie. It startled Mike so much he almost dropped it.

“He thumped him!! He thumped my dog!!” Mike yelled back at him.

“He what?” Paul asked, thinking that he had misunderstood what Mike had said.

“He reached out and thumped Sam on the head with that pincher thing!” Mike was still upset.

“Was Sam hurt?” Paul’s worried voice came back.

“No, just scared, he just yelped and ran of the yard. Do you think I should go find him?” Mike worried that the poor dog might be afraid to come back after the encounter with Max.

“No, Sam will be fine. Just make sure Max gets back here before anything else happens!” Mike was hoping that the edge he heard in Paul voice wasn’t panic because frankly he was feeling a just a bit panicky himself. He had no idea what caused Max’s strange behavior. He watched wide-eyed as Max glided back to Paul’s as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all.

“What happened?” Mike was out of breath from running back from where he had been watching at the fence.

“I haven’t a clue. I just had him programmed to put the dish down. I decided to exit out of the food portion of the program after what happened and bring him back. Maybe he splashed some water on one of the circuit boards. I’ll check it out tonight after supper. For now we’ll turn off all power to him, cover him with this blanket, and he should dry. This way no will find him until we get this problem fixed.” Paul was flipping switches like crazy, and disconnecting some of Max’s wires. Mike could see that Paul was perplexed as he was about Max’s behavior.

“I’d better go find Sam and bring him home. By now, he’s probably decided that Max is the biggest dog that he’s ever tangled with. I’m pretty sure that he’s hoping that Max isn’t his new roommate,” laughed Mike, now that he was starting to see some humor in the situation.





Chapter Two





Saturday morning Mike gulped down his breakfast but just as he was opening the door to go over to Paul’s, his dad’s voice came from behind edge of the daily newspaper.

“Mike, you haven’t forgotten that you were supposed to wash the car today, have you?”

“No, I didn’t forget. I’m just going over to see Paul about something. I’ll wash it this afternoon.” Mike was trying to edge out the door before his dad could think of any more chores for him to do.

“Don’t stay to long. I’ll be needing the car by four o’clock. I want it to have time to dry before I leave,” His dad’s voice rising as it followed him out the door.

“O.K. See you later,” Mike called over his shoulder as he made his escape. As soon as he walked into Paul’s garage, he could tell by the look on Paul’s face that something wasn’t right.

“What’s up?” Mike chirped, hoping that he was mistaken about the expression on his friend’s face.

“I’m not sure. I can’t find anything that would account for Max’s behavior yesterday. I’ve gone over everything with a fine tooth comb,” Paul’s brow was furrowed with worry.

“Didn’t you think that maybe he’d gotten some water on his circuits yesterday?” Mike tried to console him, but, he was getting worried now.

“Yes, but I can’t find any moisture anywhere. You waterproofed everything,” Paul reminded him.

“I know, but maybe I could have missed a spot or something. Besides, even if he had gotten some water inside it would have dried by now. Let’s just make sure that he’s completely waterproof this time and we’ll test him again today. I’m sure he’ll do fine,” Mike looked at Paul with one of those hopeful and pleading looks mixed together.

“I guess, maybe your right. I’ll go ahead and finish replacing these connections and then we’ll have to figure out a test,” Paul was sounding much more confident than he had earlier.

“I’ve got the perfect test!” Mike yelped, holding up his index finger. “I’m supposed to wash my dad’s car this afternoon. Max can wash the car. Then we can make sure that he’s completely waterproof and it’s easy enough that nothing can go wrong.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I thought we had agreed not to let anyone see Max until he was finished,” Paul was already mentally counting the things that could go wrong.

“If we wash it on that cement slab out in the backyard no one will see us. That way we can check out Max’s coordination and have plenty of water for him to get into,” Mike puffed up his chest ready to defend his great idea.

“I guess you’re right. I’ll just put some rubber guards on Max to make sure he doesn’t scratch the paint and we have a plan,” Paul was starting to warm up to the idea.

“Great! I’ll meet you at my house in fifteen so I can get the stuff ready to wash the car.” Mike left before Paul could change his mind.

On the way back to his house, Mike thought back over the last several weeks and how they had worked so hard on Max. He couldn’t understand why Max had acted so strangely yesterday. After all that work, it would be very disappointing for Max to turn out to be defective in some way. Mike hoped that the test today would help find any bugs that still needed to be worked out. Mike mentally shook off those depressing thoughts. He really wanted Max to work properly. He started gathering up the pails, sponges, and things they would need to wash the car.

“What took you so long?” Mike asked as soon as Paul entered with Max beside him.

“I had to wait until I got the computer programs switched to be able to use a hand control.” Paul started flipping switches directing Max to where the pails stood ready.

“Should we show him how to wash it?” Mike mused aloud.

“No, I already entered all the information he needed before we left. Check this out,” Paul pushed a button on the control. Max’s arm shot out, grabbed a sponge from the pail of sudsy water, and began to wash the car. “Let’s sit over there by that tree and let Max do his thing.”

“Sounds good to me!” Mike agreed happily. He was feeling more excited by the minute. Now that he was seeing Max in action, everything looked great. Mike flopped down on the grass. Paul sat down next to him as they watched Max work the suds around the car. They laid back and let the warm rays of the sun seep into their bones. The talked lazily about whatever popped into their heads. They relaxed so much they fell asleep.

“Mike, Paul!” A voice screamed, shattering the blanket of sleep surrounding them. “Help! Stop this thing! He’s ruining my car!”

Mike opened his eyes to confront the scene before him. He wanted to pretend it was just a nightmare. He sat feeling paralyzed watching his father trying to wrestle the garden hose out of Max’s grasp. Max stood there filling the inside of the car up with water.

“Max, no! Stop! Paul wake up!” He screamed, trying to shake Paul awake.

“Uh, what…..what’s wrong?” Paul murmured still sleepy.

“Wake up! It’s Max. We’ve got to turn him off. Where’s the control?” Mike yelled, scrambling over him in the rush to reach the hand control. He grabbed hold of the box and punched the button that would turn Max off with trembling fingers.

“Get off me! What’s going on?” Paul was now wide awake and trying to push him off of his legs.

“Look!” Mike said, pointing towards where his father stood. He was holding the garden hose that he had taken away from Max. He was soaking wet and thunderous.

“You!” He growled, pointing at Mike. “Go to your room!”

“You!” He pointed at Paul. “Go home and take this pile of bolts with you!” He opened the front door of the car and gallons of water came gushing out to cover his feet. Paul and Mike jumped to their feet and took off before Mike’s dad thought of anything else to add.

Mike had been sitting up in his room for at least an hour before his dad cooled off enough to come up and talk to him.

“Well, what do you have to say for yourself?” His dad frowned, looking down at him. Mike noticed that he must have put on dry clothes before coming up to see him.

“Dad, I’m really sorry. Paul and I were just testing the new robot we made. I guess we should have been paying closer attention.” Mike muttered miserably.

“I’ve talked to Paul’s parents. We have decided that you both need to learn to take responsibility for your actions. We thought you had learned your lesson last year when that automatic door opener slammed shut on your mother. It took the fire department two hours to get her out. This time we have decided to ground you both for two weeks. You will also dismantle that walking disaster that you call a robot immediately! Is that understood?” His voice thunderous again.

“But dad, it took us weeks to make him,” Mike pleaded.

“Go over to Paul’s now and help him get rid of that robot. When you’re finished come home and for two weeks you will be grounded to the house,” He repeated unrelenting.

“Yes, but dad,” Mike said, wanting to plead for understanding.

“No buts, you’ve heard what your punishment is going to be. Now get over to Paul’s and start taking that robot apart.” He was starting to look furious all over again, just thinking about the damage Max had caused.

“Yes sir!” Mike grabbed up his shoes, hopping on one foot trying to put them on while getting out of his dad’s sight as quickly as possible.



.

“I suppose you’ve heard the news?” Paul looked glum as Mike entered the garage.

“Dad told me, we had to take Max apart. Did you get grounded?” Mike groused.

“Yea, for two weeks, how about you?” Paul’s frown deepened if that where possible.

“Me too,” Mike said, pulling up an old apple crate to sit down on. “We can’t take Max apart now! We were just getting him right. It’s wasn’t his fault I forgot to roll up that stupid window. We told him to wash the car. He did. We just forgot to tell him not to wash the inside.”

“We did do a lot of work to get him built. It seems a shame to scrap the whole project because of one mistake.” Paul looked at Mike with a calculating gleam in his eye.

“Are you thinking what I am?” Mike wondered hesitantly.

“If you’re thinking that we should just pretend to take Max apart. We could hide him in that old shed out back until this blows over and our parents calm down.” Paul reasoned becoming excited.

“We could get into a lot of trouble if they found out,” Mike reasoned. It was a good idea, but he felt as if he should at least mention this one small fact.

“They won’t find out. Besides your dad’s just sore about the car, he doesn’t really hate Max. After he calms down he’ll see things differently,” Paul raised his eyebrows and gave Mike an evil grin.

“I hope you’re right.” Mike wasn’t totally convinced. “Let’s put this blanket on him and get him hidden before they decide to come out and check on us.”

“We can get some spare parts from the basement to work on so it looks as if we’ve taken him apart just in case.” Paul planned ahead.

They quickly put the blanket over Max and carried him to the shed, then hid him behind some old gardening supplies. They put together a pile of parts to place in the garage to look like they had taken Max apart.



Chapter Three





Two weeks takes a long time to pass when you’re grounded. Finally, the day arrived when Mike was allowed out of the house again. The first thing he did was to go over to Paul’s and check on Max.

“Hi. Your mom said you’d be down here,” Mike said as he entered Paul’s basement. Paul was sitting in front of the computer working on one of his many projects.

“I came down to work on Max’s programming for awhile. I’ve gone over all the programs again. I still don’t know why Max acted the way he did on the first test. The second was definitely due to a program error on my part. We need to figure out how to run some more tests on him,” Paul mumbled. He continued to enter more information onto the computer.

“What are you talking about? We can’t take Max out now. My dad would kill me if he found out we still have him,” Mike exclaimed. “ Dad spent a lot of money to fix his car and he is still pretty mad. It’s going to be along time before he cools off enough to tell him we didn’t get rid of Max”.

“I know. Since we can’t use Max anywhere around here that leaves only one option,” Paul said He turned the computer off and looked at Mike with a very serious expression on his face.

“What’s that?” Mike asked.

“We find someone who will keep Max for us. We won’t have to worry about someone finding Max in the shed, and we would have somewhere to test him. After we get Max perfected we’ll ask our parents if we can keep him. They will have had time to get over being mad and in the meantime we can still work on Max,” he said.

They began searching their minds to think of someone, anyone, who they could trust to keep not only Max but also their secret.

“I’ve got it!” Paul shouted. “How about your friend Megan?”

“That’s a good idea. Her dad owns the old factory. It still has plenty of empty buildings on it. Let’s go ask her,” he said and got up go use Paul’s phone.

“Megan, this is Mike. I’m calling to find out… ummmm… welllll… how are you doing?” Mike said. His face darkening to a deep red as Paul began to glare at him.

“Fine Mike is there something you want? You’ve never called to see how I’m doing before. What’s the problem?” Megan asked, laughter in her voice.

Really embarrassed now Mike finally decided to just spit it out and get it over with. Megan, I’m calling to find out if you would let Paul and I keep one of our inventions at the old factory.” He said it so fast he almost ran out of breath before he could finish. Megan had known him for along time and understood what he said.

“Hold on and I’ll go ask my dad,” she answered.

“What did she say?” Paul whispered, nudging Mike in the ribs.

“She went to ask her dad. Stop poking me, will ya? Wait, she’s back,” Mike said, as he heard the phone being picked up.

“I asked my dad. He said it was ok as long as you don’t damage the building. You can use the machine shop. It’s the big building with the red doors. What kind of invention are you going to keep there?” she asked.

‘Uh, well it’s kind of hard to explain over the phone,” Mike said uncomfortably. He was afraid to tell her about Max just in case someone would over hear.

“You’renot going to tell me?” she said surprised.

“No, no that’s not what meant. I just can’t tell you over the phone. Meet us at the factory at three. We’ll move the invention in and then you can see it,” Mike said. He was hoping she wouldn’t insist that he tell her what it was over the phone. “Oh, and Megan, you will keep this a secret won’t you?”

“About your invention? Of course not. If my parents ask, I’ll just tell them you’re working on a project for the science fair. I told dad that you needed the place for a project that was too big to keep at your house. Is that at least close to the truth?” Megan asked. Mike could hear the laughter in her voice.

“Close enough for now at least. I really appreciate this Megan. Paul and I will see you later.” After saying goodbye Mike hung up the phone relieved that they had found somewhere for Max to stay. Paul and Mike got some sodas then went back downstairs to plan their next move. How were they going to get Max out of the shed with getting caught?

“Maybe we could just throw an old hat and coat on him and walk him over.” Mike said, lacking any better ideas.



“No. the idea is to get him over there without calling attention to him. Even if we could disguise him to look like a person, which we couldn’t. Having him walk down the street in the middle of August dressed for a blizzard is going to be noticed. We also need to take a computer over there if we’re going to get accurate information when we test him.” Paul said.



“You’ve got to be joking,” Mike exclaimed, looking around at the equipment covering most of the room. “We’re going to need a moving van!”



“Not this one. I’ve already transferred the programs onto discs that I can use with the desk computer upstairs in my room,” he said.



“Oh.” Mike said, feeling stupid. He reached over and turned on the radio to a popular music station, drank his pop and tried to think of a better plan. After awhile he got tired of trying to figure out a solution. He leaned his head back against the wall and let his mind wander. He was thinking back over the last couple of months when suddenly it hit him! They were always using his old cart to haul equipment back and forth between their houses. They could load Max onto the wagon, cover him with a blanket, and maybe no one would even notice.



The cart!” Mike yelled, switching off the radio.



“What about it?” Mike had startled Paul so much that Paul had almost fallen off his chair.



“We can take Max over in the cart. We’re always lugging around stuff in it. Everyone will think that we’re just taking old parts back to the junkyard. It’s even in the right direction,” he said.



“I guess we could as long as we tied everything down and cushioned him. The carts big enough to hold everything we need if we pack it tight. We’ll have to be careful not to break anything,” Paul warned.



By the time Mike had run over to his house and brought back the cart Paul was already waiting by the shed. At his feet were boxes ready to be loaded.



“That sure was quick.” Mike said.



“I had to hurry. I didn’t want mom asking me a bunch of questions,” Paul said.

“She didn’t see you did she?” Mike asked.



“No. She went to the grocery store, I’m not sure when she’ll be back, so we’d better hurry and get Max loaded,” Paul answered, opening the shed door.

They walked in and waited until their eyes adjusted to the darkness. Working together they moved the old shovels and rakes out of the way.



“Paul?” Mike asked, moving a broken wheel barrel out of the way. “Doesn’t it bother you that we’re lying to our parents?”



“Yes some. I just try not to think about it very much,” Paul mumbled.



A small amount of light filtered in between the splintered boards of the shed. Mike could see that Paul’s face had turned a dull shade of red.



“It bothers me too. I wish we could tell them about Max,” Mike said sadly



“Well, we can’t. If we tell them, they would just get mad and take him apart themselves. Max is our friend. It would be like killing him to take him apart. We’ll just have to keep him, out of sight. Besides, we haven’t really lied to them. We just didn’t tell them the whole truth. When they saw those junk parts in the garage they assumed we had dismantled Max. They asked if were done and we said yes. It’s as simple as that.” Paul said. They both knew it wasn’t as simple as that but they tried to convince themselves it was as they move the last of the boxes away. There was Max just as they had left him. He was still covered with the tarp. They lifted Max out of the corner and carried him out to the wagon. They had just got him in when Paul’s mom got home.



“We’ve got to get out of here before she sees us,” whispered Mike.



“Let’s go!” Paul whispered back as he grabbed the handle of the cart. They started to run towards the back alley.



“Mike, Paul!” As soon as Paul heard his mom’s voice he stopped immediately. Mike wasn’t quite so lucky. He was running behind the cart pushing. He wasn’t able to stop fast enough and flipped over the corner of the cart and landed flat on his back on the ground.



“Did you want us, mom?’ Paul called back trying to sound casual. Mike could see from under the cart that Paul’s mom was standing by the corner of the house watching them.



“Where are you going?’ she asked.

“We’re taking some stuff over to Megan’s. We’re trying to hurry because we said we’d meet her at three. I left a note on the table to tell you where we were going. We can go can’t we?” Paul babbled on. Mike lay on the grass trying to catch his breath after having it knocked out of him when he hit the ground.



“Didn’t I just see you with Mike?” She said.



“Yeah, he’s here,” Paul said kicking Mike with side of his foot, and motioning for him to get up.



“Stop it!” Mike hissed at him, knocking his foot away and scrambled to his knees. “I’m right here”



“Did you hurt yourself?” she asked. Paul’s mom started walking towards them



‘NO! Uummmmmmm… taking a rest!!” Mike yelled. “Yes, I was a little tired and I was umm just going to take a short rest while you and Paul talked,” he finished blushing beet red.



“Are you sure?” she asked starting to get a little suspicious.



“I’m sure. See?” Mike said. He tried to ignore the arrow of pain as he stood up and did a little dance step for her.



“Knock it off! She’s going to think you damaged your brain,” Paul whispered rolling his eyes at Mike, then turned back to his mom. “Was there anything you wanted? We need to go if we’re going to meet Megan on time”



“I guess not. Just don’t be too late,” she said as she went back towards the house.



Chapter Four





It was a long hot trip and Paul and Mike were drenched with sweat before they found the building where they were to meet Megan. They looked around for awhile but didn’t see anything particular or found her so they decided to sit and rest.



“I wonder where Megan is?’ Paul asked while brushing leaves off his pants leg.



“I don’t know,” answered Mike looking at his watch. “It’s only a few minutes after three. She’ll be here.”



“I hope so. I’d hate to try and smuggle poor Max back into the shed. You should have seen yourself. I thought I was going to burst out laughing when you told mom you were resting…resting…ha.., you were barely breathing!” Paul roared, slapping his leg. He was laughing so hard he was making snorting sounds.



“Very funny. I suppose you could have done better?” Mike playfully growled and threw a handful of leaves at him.



“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t have told her I was resting. Maybe you should have told her you were taking flying lessons,” Paul said, holding his stomach as he continued to laugh even harder now.



“Your about as funny as a rubber crutch,” Mike grumbled rubbing the elbow that he hit on the cart. He was failing to see what was so funny about him almost killing himself





“Hi. Sorry I’m late. Mom said I had to bring Chrissy so it took me longer to get here,” Megan said as she tried to pry loose two little arms from around her leg. “Come on, Chrissy, It’s all right. These are friends of mine. They won’t hurt you.” A curly blond head came peeking through Megan’s legs.

“Chrissy! Will you stop. You’re going to make me fall,” Megan said trying to untangle herself from the little girl. “She’s a little shy around strangers.”



“Hi. Chrissy,” Mike said, bending at the knees so they were at eye level. “My name is Mike and that’s Paul.”



“This is Ann,” Chrissy said. Smiling shyly, she pulled a doll out from behind her back. “She wanted to come see your secret.”



“Well hello Ann” Mike said and shook the doll’s hand. “Let’s take Ann over and introduce the two of you to my friend Max,” Mike said holding his hand out to Chrissy.





“I’m glad that’s done.” Mike said taking a big drink of tea from the jug that Megan had brought. They had finally got the computer set up and Max unloaded. They were taking a short break before testing the equipment.



“I guess we’d better get Max tuned up. We need to make sure everything works before we leave,” Paul said.



He went over to the computer and started flipping switches. Soon Chrissy was laughing and running after Max as Paul put him through his paces. He wanted to make sure that none of Max’s circuits had been damaged when they had moved him.



‘That’s enough for today. We’d better get home,” Paul said turning off the computer and hand control.



‘Come on Chrissy it’s time to go home,” Megan said, taking her hand.



“No! I want to stay with Max!” She cried. She ran over to where Max was standing and flung her arms around him. They watched in amazement as Max gently hugged the little girl and then released her.

“Wow that’s great! How did you get him to do that without the control?’ Mike exclaimed looking with astonishment at Paul.



Paul was staring at Max with a look of shock on his now pale face. “I didn’t” he whispered, shaking his head.



“WHAT!” Megan and Mike yelled together turning to Paul.



“I didn’t do it. I turned all the power off to him. I don’t understand what happened. I haven’t even programmed that type of movement in him. He was turned off. The power lights were off. Everything was turned off. Maybe we didn’t hook something back up right. I just don’t know.” Paul said, shrugging his shoulders. He kept staring at Max frowning.



“We don’t have time to worry about it now,” Mike said glancing at his watch. “Well just check to make sure that all the power is off and lock the door for now. We can come back tomorrow and go through all the circuits again.”



“I guess he’ll be o.k. here. It was probably nothing.” Paul said. They noticed that he didn’t sound convinced but they quickly gathered up there stuff. They agreed to meet the next day and all headed for home.


Chapter Five





They met everyday at the warehouse to work on Max. They never found anything wrong with Max’s circuitry. Most days he behaved perfectly to command. It was just the other days that worried them. They noticed that when Max was around Chrissy he would do things that his programs didn’t control. He would pick a flower and give it to Chrissy when he was supposed to pick up a rock and drop it. They had gotten used to Max hugging Chrissy before she left whether his power supply was turned on or not. They had finally come to accept the fact that Max was more than just a robot. Max was Chrissy’s best friend. Every time she came she brought a new sticker from one of her sticker books. She would raise a fuss until someone would lift her up so she could give Max his surprise. Max soon had all kinds of brightly colored stickers on his metal chest.





One Thursday afternoon Paul and Mike were working on a new program that would allow us to use voice commands. Megan had brought Chrissy with her and was watching them. Since they had to keep Max turned off to work on his circuit boards, Chrissy soon became bored and wandered off to play outside.



“I wish school wasn’t starting so soon. The summer went too fast.” Megan sighed, sitting with chin in hand.



“Yes, but wait until the other kids see Max. We’re going to enter him into the science fair. They’re not going to believe their eyes. It would be a lot easier if our parents would let us work on him at Paul’s house.” Mike said.



“Maybe later they see all the work you’ve done they might change their ……..”





Suddenly a high pitch scream came from somewhere outside. All of the kids stopped talking immediately and tried to figure out where the scream had come from. More importantly; from who?





“Chrissy!!! Where is she?” Megan cried out as she raced toward the door that led outside.



“CHRISSY!!! WHERE ARE YOU?” They all yelled in unison. As quickly as possible they all spread out to look for Chrissy when no answer came. After what seemed like hours of frantic searching they finally found her. She had fallen into an old abandoned well. They listened closely they could her muffled sobbing coming from somewhere underground.

“Chrissy! Can you hear me? Answer me honey. Are you down there?” Megan was on her hands and knees shouting down the hole.



“Mommy?” Chrissy’s small voice came floating up. Then all they could hear was weak sobbing.



“We’ve got to get her out of there!” Megan said as tears streamed down her cheeks. When she crept closer to the hole, Paul noticed the dirt and rocks surrounding the hole began to crumble and fall.



“I can’t see her!” Megan cried as the tears fell harder. Her shoulders were shaking from fear and grief. Her face had turned a deathly shade of grey.



“Megan, get back!” Paul pulled her back with such force she lost her balance. She ended up sprawled on the ground at Paul’s feet.



“What do you thing you’re doing? That’s my little sister down there!” Megan shouted at Paul, anger making her cheeks redden.



“Calm down Megan,” Paul said gently. He bent down to help her up. “I’m sorry I made you fall. We’ve got to stay away from the edge. If we get to close the whole thing is going to cave in on top of Chrissy.”



What are we going to do? We can’t leave her down there!” Mike said, feeling the cold sweat trickling down his back. He realized how dangerous the situation was rapidly becoming.



“First, we need to calm down and think. Megan, you take my bike and go get your parents. Mike and I will stay here with Chrissy until you can bring help. Maybe we can find some rope or shovels around here if we look,” Paul said looking around.



“Chrissy., I’m going to get some help so we can get you out. Just lay still. Do you hear me? Don’t move until I get back, I’ll bring mom and dad.

Mike and Paul are going to stay with you. You listen to them. I’ll be back as quick as I can.” Megan’s voice began to shake as she tried not to cry.



“Go on Megan. We don’t have much time. It’s going to get dark pretty soon” Mike said gently, He put his hands on her shoulders and guided her over to where they had left the bikes.



“Just promise you’ll keep talking to her.” She said wiping the tears off her cheeks. “I don’t want her to think we left her.”



“We will, now go on.” Mike answered giving her a gentle nudge.




Chapter Six

After Megan left, Paul went back to look for rope and tools. Mike tried to lay as close to the hole as he could without disturbing the earth around it. He began talking to Chrissy telling her to keep calm and that help would be coming. Megan’s dad was the first to arrive. A police car and a fire engine followed him. The firemen tried to toss a rope down to Chrissy but every time they came close enough to throw down the rope they caused the hole to crumble even more. The adults stood together trying to decide what should be done. Paul came back with Max following behind.



“I’ve got it fixed so Max can get her out!” Paul said excited



“Oh, no,” Mike heard Paul say under his breath when Paul saw his dad walking towards him.



“What’s going on here? I told you kids to get rid of that …..THING!!!” he said, pointing at Max. He was so angry his face was really red by now. “Young man you have a lot of explaining to do. Why are you kids out here? How did Chrissy fall into that hole? I also want to know why that robot is here after we specifically told you to get rid of it!”



Mike had never seen his Paul’s dad that mad before. Mike’s knees were shaking as he went to stand beside Paul.

“Wait, dad. I can explain. We can get Chrissy out if you’ll just let me use Max. I fixed his arms so they can extend down far enough to reach Chrissy. Put these boards down on each side of the hole. I’ve fixed the wheels so that he can get up to the hole without it caving in. Dad; I know he can do it.” Paul said his voice pleading but more confident now.



“No Paul. We can’t trust that robot to,...” Paul’s dad stopped in mid sentence and turned as Megan’s mother placed her hand on his arm..



“David?” she said talking to Paul’s dad. “I overheard what the boy was saying. The firemen can’t get close enough to Chrissy. They said we haven’t much time!” She said her eyes filling with tears. “Please. Let the boys try.”



“Are you sure you can get to her without the hole caving in?” Paul’s dad asked, looking back at the two boys his brows furrowed in a very worried frown,



“Yes. I know we can. Mike go get the boards and I’ll get Max into position.” Paul said.





Mike and the men carefully laid the boards along and around the hole, in a pattern to support both Maxwell’s weight and Chrissy’s after she was recovered. They all held their breath a Maxwell crept along the boards. With Paul using the hand control to guide him Max reached slowly down into the hole. Chrissy’s mom kept yelling for Chrissy to grab hold of the robot. No sound or movement could be heard from inside of the hole. Chrissy’s mom began sobbing holding Megan tightly to her. Megan’s face was white as a sheet with silent tears rolling down her pale cheeks.

“What’s wrong?” Mike whispered to Paul.



“I don’t know what to do. Chrissy was supposed to be able to grab hold of his arm, I can’t dig her out because I can’t see her from here. I’m afraid we would hurt her.” He whispered back, his face had turned white with fear,



“I’d better make him come back,” he said.



What’s wrong?” Mike asked.



Paul was frantically flipping one of the switches on the remote back and forth, “I

don’t know! I can’t get Max to respond! I can’t shut him off! What are we going to do?”

He said becoming almost hysterical by now.



“What’s he doing?” They heard one of the adults cry out. They looked over to where Max was. His lights were blinking like crazy! They heard a loud whirring sound as his arm began to move around inside the hole.



“Paul, do something!” Mike cried out, clutching at his arm.



“I’m trying! It won’t turn off!!” Paul said. He and Mike both began desperately fumbling with the control.



“He’s got her! He’s got her and she’s alive!” The crowd cheered and applauded as Max slowly backed away from the hole.



Max was holding Chrissy close to his chest. She was covered in dirt and had some minor scratches. She seemed very tired but her arms were around Max’s necks. The crowd knew immediately she was alive.



“Chrissy!” Megan said, as she and her mother reached out and took her into their arms



“I love you Max.” Chrissy said, her voice quiet and weak, she turned in her mother’s arms to look at Max. “I knew you would come and get me.”



Megan and her parents went with the paramedics to go have Chrissy checked out and warmed up.

“Well, son,” Paul’s dad came up and put his arms around Paul and Mike. “It looks like Max will be staying around for awhile after all. You both did a fine job.”



Mike looked over at Paul as the adults crowded around. They were shaking hands and congratulating the boys for a job well done. Paul just shrugged, smiled, and said in a voice that only Mike could hear.



“I guess what they don’t know won’t hurt them. At least Chrissy’s safe and we get to keep Max”

“Yea, but we have got to do something about that circuitry.” Mike

mumbled back.



The boys turned and looked at each other then burst into laughter.
 

cwgranny

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I absolutely promise to read this tomorrow. I was swamped with work today and I don't go to the share your work thread unless someone specifically asks me to (there are a lot of threads on this big ol' board and I have to be careful or my day will be spent boarding instead of writing on stuff folks pay me for) ...but since you posted here, I'll read and comment tomorrow when my brain is working -- Scouts honor.

gran
 

mdmkay

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Thank you so much Gran. You were the one I was hoping talk into critiquing it. I value your expertise, judgement and honesty. You have just made me one happy camper :hooray:
 

Chacounne

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Hi md!

I also promise more lengthy comments later tonight or tomorrow. Having read the first bit however, the thing that strikes me is the ages that you wrote this for (6-8) versus the ages that the boys appear to be (8-10). I think it is much more of an 8-10 year old story; it sort of reminds me of Owls in the Family and The Dog Who Wouldn't Be.

Hope this helps,
Chacounne
 

cwgranny

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Well, you've got some great potential here, though you still have a lot of work ahead of you. You've got some good elements -- humor, action, lots of dialogue, but you need to make it much smoother and get the parts to hang together better. And cut out stuff that doesn't work well for you. It has all the grammar and punctuation problems of an early draft so those will have to be fixed but I want to focus on the story.

We can sum up the plot like this
Two boys decide to begin their science fair project over the summer.
They make a robot.
The robot gets them into trouble with their parents.
They hide the robot.
The robot saves the day.

Now, you can do that plot as a full-length book (which will need to be AT LEAST 15,000 words and more like 20,000) or you can do it as a story of about 3000 words for a magazine. You can't do it as a story for kids from 6 to 8 years old because that's more of an early reader/early chapter book. Technically, someone could do an early chapter book with this plot but YOUR style doesn't really lend itself to that. I think you should go with either making it a 3000 words magazine story (and selling it to Story Station) or making it a longer kid's novel.

First, get rid of the Indian stuff. It's waaaaaayyyyy not PC and kid publishers are very careful about that sort of thing. It's offensive to Native Americans. And it has your kids doing dangerous things (smoking and setting themselves on fire) for humor -- an editor will not go with that.

So, ask yourself -- why did I put that in? Comic relief and to show that the boys are creative and impulsive. Great...do that with a flashback to something technological. We need to believe that these kids are an amazing technilogical creativity and ability. The Indian story adds NOTHING to THIS plot. What you want to do instead is show how technically adept these two are (since they produce something virtually impossible, we have to know that they are very clever boys) while also showing their reach frequently exceeds their grasp. The self-pitching tent is good -- you could expand that for comic relief. Or create something else. You need to stick with the boys as technology buffs.

Then, you simply cannot conveniently add a character in the middle of the book. Editors hate that. So Megan needs to come in early. Maybe she's bored and wants to hang with the boys but they won't let her because she always has to drag the little sister along. Maybe they just don't want a rep of haning out with girls. Maybe they think she's too bossy. But she has to be there from early on. That's how plot works, you put all the things you need in place early and don't let too many things jump up at the end.

You need to get rid of the "junk this robot -- no, let's just lie to the parents" thing. Instead have the parents demand that the boys get the thing out of the house(s) and not use it around family ANYMORE. Maybe the boys argue that there is no where for them to go so the parents suggest junking. So, they call on Megan and thus move the robot to her dad's building. You could still have a lot of humor in the move without having it be a sneaky trick played on the parents. It's enough that they are trying to keep it secret just how FAR the robot is out of control.

As the story is now, once you move the robot, you pretty much forget about being funny -- but this is supposed to be a funny book. Also you crank into high speed and *TELL* us most of the rest of the story. We stop seeing and it stops being fun. It's like you're getting tired of the story so you're just rushing to the rescue scene.

Let us see what it's like to work on Max...let him do more fun stuff but let us SEE it. You need a lot more scenes and a lot less synopsis feeling. Maybe the little girl gets in the way a lot of messes up a lot of the tests. Maybe they end up fighting with Megan about it. Give us dialogue, give up scenes, make it real. Make it funny. You really really really really need to stop telling so much and show more.

Then, after a fight -- or in the middle of a fight, have the child slip out and get stuck. THEN, we can't suddenly have this "surprise, I just happened to have given Max exactly what he needs" thing. You must have introduced that during the whole -- making modifications at the building section. NO SURPRISE characters -- NO SURPRISE, "I just happened to have done the one thing we need" moments. As we see the boys modifying the robot early, let them give him retractable arms and let that be a funny scene. Maybe they think he'd make a great stock boy for tall shelves but the robot ends up tying his arms in a knot or something -- be funny.

Then, when we're ready to rescue the girl, we already know the robot has retractable arms. And we believe that he would -- it's stops feeling so "how very convenient" and feels like real life. The parents could freak out -- NOT because the robot still exists but because (1) they think the robot caused the kids not to be watching the small child or (2) they are horrified to think the boys would use this screw-up robot to do anything with a tiny child. You could have the same level of conflict, without the lying.

You DO a nice job of not letting this story be didactic like the teddy bear story. This is much more of an adventure oriented plot. That's good. Your character though are almost interchangable in personality. I really could not tell a difference between boys and often was confused about "which one of these was the cookie thief kid?" They are simply two identical boys. You need to make them different. Try thinking of defining characteristics of the boys. One could be geekier while one is more impulsive. Anyway, YOU need to see them as VERY DIFFERENT in temperament so that we'll believe they are real boys.

The girl has virtually no personality at all. She's human furniture. Again, decide who she is. How is her personality different from theirs? Is she into technology? Is she bossy? Is she prissy? How is she her own unique person? One thing I do when I'm balancing a lot of kid characters is to find three photos of kids the age I am writing about and setting them in front of me. Then I list personality traits for them and I wait until I can see their differences before I put them in the story. You'll be amazed at the way that will change how the kids respond to things.

You also need to watch your kid dialogue -- kids don't say "frankly" and "fine tooth comb" much. Don't let your kids sound too much like adults. But, I think that will shake itself out once you make them real for yourself.

Anyway, I think you could come up with something really good here. As an early draft, it shows potential and the ways it needs fixing are pretty clear and do-able. I wish you luck with it.

gran
 

Kida Adelyne

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Hello.

The lack of reply's that you got isn't because people think it's to bad to comment on, or anything. What it might have been is that it's so long. Reading it off the screen would take alot of eye strain. A way to get critique would be to post the first chapter or so, and say that if anyone is interested, you would appreciate if someone could read the entire thing. Just a note for later reference.

Granny know's what she's talking about, so listen to her comments.

I've only read the first couple of paragraphs, but it definatly has potential. I really like the plot, and the characters really intrigue me.
Just one thing I've noticed. Your writing style is a bit above 6-8 year olds. Even some ten yearolds would have difficulty.

"they would have Mike go through the miscellaneous stuff stored there and throw out what wasn’t needed"

I work with 6-10 year olds and the word 'miscellaneous' is, to them, a very wierd, abstract word. They would never use it, and probably don't know what it means. You could just say "they would make Mike go through all his things and get rid of some of it." (or somthing like that.) Try reading some books designed for this age group and note the style, the words used, and how the characters act. Or better yet, spend some time with kids this age. You'll learn alot.

Hope this was helpfull.:)

-Ally
 

mdmkay

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Thank you so much. I should have realized not to post the whole thing. :Smack: I'm new and hopefully will be quick to learn. I really appreciate how patient everone has been and incredibly nice. I LOVE THIS SITE!!! I'm learning alot and if I apply all the advice I'm getting it will really improve my writing. I have to agree, however, with everyone on how addicting it is to want to read the new postings on the site instead of working. I'm also an artist and if I don't quick messing around on here all the time I'm never going to get anything done. Usually when I have time put aside to write.......I want to paint. I put the next day to finish up my paintings.........I end up with all these ideas for writing. It was working out ok because at least I was getting both of them done but now when I'm supposed to doing at least one of them I find myself goofing off here.:Headbang: (bad girl...very bad girl)
 

stormie

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Ally's right: I stopped reading after several paragraphs 'cause it was too long for me to critique. One other thing: (Or did someone already point this out?) The dialogue seems stilted. The very first words that Mike says, just don't ring true. I think this would be good if you can really get inside their heads at their age level. It isn't easy; I still am having trouble. It seems I've been working on one of my early chapter books forever.

As I said before, you take criticisms well! (And sorry I don't venture over the the Share Your Work board too often. Don't know why....) :Shrug:
 

Kida Adelyne

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:Hug2:We were all new at some point. This place is as patient as a tortoise for newbies. Great place to be.;)

Also, If you find a cure for wanting to be on here when your supposed to be writing, share the secret, OK?

-Ally
 

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Re: Your Story

Hi mdmkay

Regarding posting, they do like you to post it in Share your work but you might want to try copying the thread address from your post there and including it with a short note here so we children's writers can easily check it out on the share your work thread. This will make everybody happy and it's great to make everybody happy whenever you can.

I read five or six paragraphs and one thing that stood out was that a lot of your sentences are relatively the same length. This became quite noticeable after about four paragraphs. I've found it helpful when I was doing this to read one or two of my favorite authors and see how they managed to vary the sentence lengths in their paragraphs.

PS. I like the idea of them making a robot. It should be interesting for kids in that age group.

Take Care,
Faye
 
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