View Full Version : How soon is too soon?

04-07-2008, 11:49 PM
At the beginning of my novel, the MC's husband is killed. They had of course one of those wonderful, almost picture perfect relationships with wild, crazy, passionate sex and arguments just as firey.

Seven months later, her high school sweetheart shows up.

Now, I'm not going to make the relationship a main part of the story. But it is part of it. And I want it to develop. I don't want her to love him right away, but her love for him is going to be rekindled and develop anyway.

I have a hard time doing this because the thought of my husband dying...maybe it's just because I'm young and we've been together almost 8 years - married for about 1.5. But the thought of him dying, I can't imagine myself ever being able to fall in love again. Not in the same way I love him.

How soon is too soon to fall in love again after the person who has your heart, the person who is your heart, dies?

How do you let yourself fall in love again, and when you do, is your happiness the same?

I realize this may be a difficult subject for those of you who've experienced this before, but anything you may have to share would be helpful.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Mr Flibble
04-08-2008, 12:29 AM
Now, I haven't been widowed, but I did read a study about widowhood and remarriage just lately ( I'll try and dig it up) that suggested that if you were happily married, you were more likely to get married again quite soon ( ie 1-2 years, so dating in less than a year) than if you were unhappily married, in which case it was often longer. ( because you didn't want to be unhappy again? :Shrug:)

Of course it all depends on the person, but a madly passionate fiery person -- maybe more likely they'd go for it. Life's too short to pass up happiness....

04-08-2008, 03:12 PM
There is no right or wrong answer to that. Some people might feel ready to get into a new relationship rather quickly. Others might not be able to even think of being with anyone else for years or perhaps never.
I would just do what you think is best for your own character.

04-08-2008, 04:04 PM
I found youngwidow.org. They have forums, and I've been searching through some of the threads there. I can't do it for too long at a time because it always brings me to tears, but I found some help there. Reminders of moments that would be hard for a new widow - when to take off the ring, the 6 month mark, the dead spouse's bday. So it's helpful but terribly sad.

04-08-2008, 10:19 PM
I think that most people I know think of a year as the absolute minimum time after losing a spouse before which they would consider dating again.

My dad started dating about four months after my mom died, but that drew a lot of comment in our small town. I don't think it was a particularly good choice for him, either--I think it was more of a way for him to avoid dealing with grief.

04-08-2008, 10:45 PM
A lot of people begin dating soon, because they are lonely and trying to fill in that part of their life.

Also, a long time ago, people would remarry quite quickly if there were children around to be cared for, etc. Cultural and practical matters do figure into it.

This seems like your MC is going to be "surprised by love" with her old flame - wouldn't a more fluid timetable add to that?

04-10-2008, 08:24 PM
I think it's an environmental factor. In my area, women seldom remarry, but men remarry often. Of course, the men just remarry here to be taken care of...lol.

I've always considered 3-5 years to be an acceptable time. With the way time passes so quickly and the chores involved just with work and children, it seems you'd only really "come out of the haze," after a long while has passed.

It will be different for everyone though. I've been married a decade and I can't imagine a short time frame. It's usually bad news when someone rushes into a relationship to avoid dealing with grief or if it's a "rebound," type thing.