Please help

Okay, as I see it you're talking about a guy who has another girl who he loves so much he can't be with her? So what, is he's settling for you??? I'm sorry, but this sounds sooo crazy. After fifty some years of knowing humanity, this situation just screams, "PLAYER!" Sounds like you've bought it hook, line and sinker. They are so good at making others believe.

Just ask Ann Landers or Dr. Kerr.

Eskimo1990 said:

Many of you have helped me before with my problems, and it has helped me a lot. Which is why I'm here again.

There's this guy. We were.....together....before but then it ended I guess you could say. For a couple of months (maybe 3...) we stopped talking. Both of us believing that not talking would make the feelings we had for each other disappear.

I did get over him...or at least I thought I did.

Then he came back into my life. Those feelings I thought I had gotten rid of, came rushing back.

He's always made me feel special, and pretty. And he does make me happy.

But we have a problem (okay really a couple of problems) I am currently 17 though I turn 18 in about 8 months. He's 21. We are 3 years, and 11 months and some odd amount of days apart in age. (Please don't focus on the age thing, that's not really the problem.) We are both in the same program...they frown upon their members dating especially due to the fact of his age.

He also has a girlfriend. Their relationship has been really rocky. He loves her very much, but feels that he loves her too much to be with her.


I guess the main problem is that I don't know what to do with these feelings anymore. It's getting harder to talk to him again because we both know that technically we can't date. My problem is that I care far too much about him and I don't know what to do....

So any advice any of you have is extremely helpful. Thanks in advance

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This is probably the biggest load of frigging cow dung I have read in a long time! He's not even close to good enough for you if this is what he says. 'He loves her to much to be with her'? Pu-lease!! What does that say about how much he loves you?

I think in your heart, if you really listen, this is exactly what you knew you needed to hear. Please please please don't settle for this guy cause he's going to hurt you bad, for a long time. The longer you're with him, the worse it will be. You were okay for those couple of months. You'll be okay again. You really will.

I'm not much on giving out love advice, but know that I hope things work out for the best for you and know when love is right, you'll know it.

Here comes the loving mom in me. And yes, I'm old enough to be your mom.

Are you pregnant? You don't have to say in here just rep it to me if you'd like.

First things first.

From an old fart, if you have a continued physical relationship with him...run girl.

You must be in PM, Sweets and I have to go to work in a few.

Feelings from a lost relationship are devastating. You're so young and this will be one of many you'll be going through. One in a million 21 year old men are capable of being mature enough to handle a relationship. Relationships are for mature people. Before then you go through practice runs, sometimes many of them. This is one of them, darling.

Move on. I know it hurts but it's best.

Think about 10 years ago. How mature were you? Now, think about 10 years from now, how much more mature will you be than you are right now?

This is a growing spot in your life. Embrace it.

Much love,

Terri

My advice: Run. You deserve someone better than this poo-poo head and someone better will come along.

Best advice? RUN. Run as fast and as far as you can. I'll tell you something that someone once told me. "When we're young, we love the man who makes us cry. When we're older, we love the man that makes us laugh because by then, we've cried too much." Don't cry too much. No relationship should be so complicated that it can't be explained. Life is too short to cry too much. So, as Dr. Shirley once wisely said, "Pack your bowling bag and boogie!"

I'll echo everyone else here. RUN.

Seriously. Love should not be complicated, it should not involve "other people," it should not be a constant yo-yo. You're young, you have your entire lifetime to find someone. There's no reason on EARTH you should settle for someone who involves this much angst.

Also, remember that feelings are just that: FEELINGS. It's never, EVER a good idea to make major life decisions with them, because they are fickle and undependable. You need to evaluate this guy with your head first, and if he doesn't pass, then you IGNORE YOUR HEART. It's hard a first, but after a while your heart will follow your mind. That sounds cold and un-romantic, but you need to find someone who's good for your heart and your head.

I agree with everyone else. RUN. As fast as you can. The right guy will come along. He will love you, and not someone else. Don't settle.

Speaking as a guy, any other guy that says he loves someone too much to be with them is telling a damn lie. This is a load of crap. If you have a shred of self repspect or dignity you will tell this guy to piss up a rope. I see nothing but trouble ahead with this. Do what you must, but youre getting some sane and sensible advice from these folks.

yer pal Brian

So if he "loves her too much to be with her" but doesn't love you (yet), what's going to happen if he "falls in love" with you? After a while he'll "love you so much he can't stand to be with you" and find some new chickypoo who it's easier to be with, who's not expecting much.

And while he's stringing the new chick along, he'll tell her he has a killer work schedule and just doesn't have time for her except for when he decides he does. In other words, he'll call all the shots with her, and she'll hang around waiting and hoping and wondering.

Kind of like you seem to be doing right now.

I really wish you luck. I'm going to recommend a great book for you about dating and developing relationships. It's called A Fine Romance by Judith Sills, Ph.D. I wish I'd read it when I was 17 instead of when I was 28, but 28 was better than never.

I got to be honest with you Esk. I can't even figure out what the hell you're trying to do here. You say neither of you love each othe but want to be together, then you say he loves another girl so much he can't be with her,,, sweetie you sound like an old friend of mine who was so shit faced drunk she didn't even know her name.. I'm not checking out your blog, either tell us the deal or don't but nobody can help you if you don't stop playing games.

OK, I did go have a look at your blog for a bit of the backstory. And I'm going to tell you what you already know --what you've written about over and over on that blog.

He is a liar.

He has lied to you repeatedly in the past and he has lied to his girlfriend/fiance. What could be any different this time around?

People who behave in this manner --especially those who are long past the high school years --do not change. No matter how sweet, caring, attentive, thoughtful or connected he appears to be, the fact remains that he deceives. You know this about him. It won't be any different this time around, especially if he's all angsty about another woman he "loves too much" or whatever.

You're not going to want to hear this either, but here's what I think: he doesn't want to change anything.

It's rather like the cheating married man who a) "can't" leave his wife and kids/dog/house/BMW and b) "can't" leave his girlfriend on the side, either. It's a sick novelty to some people to play these kinds of games.

Stop the cycle.

I know it's hard. You have feelings that are very real and very painful. I've been there and you know what? You'll always have feelings for your first love. But you've gotta let the relationship go --for good. You'll be happier and healthier for having done so.

Focus on your writing. Pour your time, energy and emotion into that. Instead of checking IMs, disconnect the internet and write until you're ready to go to sleep. Write it out of your system. It's a forgiving outlet for working through problems and pain.

Is this a religious thing????

Eskimo1990 said:

No I'm not pregnant.

And he doesn't love me. Nor do I love him....

Reigning--I know it sounds like a load of bullcrap....but I believe him. They've broken up a lot...and she gets really pissed off easily. Especially because of his work schedule right now. Monday-Friday 11pm-7am and Saturday-Sunday 7pm-7am. So they basically have no time together. He wants to wait until his schedule is fixed to more normal times or he gets a different job. But she's....again its complicated

It's kind of complicated.

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You don't love him and he doesn't love you?

Then move on before someone loves someone else and the other someone doesn't.

It's really not complicated at all. You've heard the answer multiple times above, but it's not the one you want to hear. I'll say it again:

Run.

The OTHER way.

You're wasting each other's time... and he's wasting everything except his own libido.

Ol' Fashioned Girl said:

You don't love him and he doesn't love you?

Then move on before someone loves someone else and the other someone doesn't.

It's really not complicated at all. You've heard the answer multiple times above, but it's not the one you want to hear. I'll say it again:

Run.

The OTHER way.

You're wasting each other's time... and he's wasting everything except his own libido.

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Dead on, OFG. There are millions of fish in the sea and plenty of them would be better for you and treat you better than him. You're at the beginning of a co-dependant relationship with a huge downside. Find someone else.

I remember when you first started having problems with this guy and I told you to run. It sounds like nothing has got any better only more complicated. This guy is just stringing you along to get who knows what from you. Whatever it is, he's out to use you and I hope you don't give in. As everyone else said, Run like hell before it's too late.

san_remo_ave said:

Focus on your writing. Pour your time, energy and emotion into that. Instead of checking IMs, disconnect the internet and write until you're ready to go to sleep. Write it out of your system. It's a forgiving outlet for working through problems and pain.

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Other than "RUN," I think this is the best piece of advice on this thread. Quit fooling around with him, quit pretending that you can just be friends or even talk normally. Cut off your IMs. Block him. Ignore him.

I know how tempting chatting on the internet can be, and how much it can play with your emotions. You see things that aren't there, and you cling to that communication because it makes you feel better temporarily. (Can you tell I've been-there-done-that?)

So don't torture yourself. Just stop. End it here.

Here are some points you need to pound into your own head. Repeat them to yourself over and over whenever you find yourself having fuzzy feelings toward him:

- He will not change. Not for you. Not for anyone. It is never going to get better with him.

- If there are problems in a relationship from the beginning, it only gets worse from there. Time is not going to fix anything.

- You deserve a person who isn't carrying around his type of baggage. That kind of baggage should be an instant turn-off to you. This is a glaring red warning sign. It doesn't mean he will 'understand' you. It means he's BAD for you.

- You deserve a person who will devote their romantic attention to you ONLY. Never share a man, unless you're polyamorous and EVERYONE involved knows about, and accepts, everyone else. But otherwise, Never, ever, EVER share a man.

Eskimo1990 said:

I see what you mean Kerr. I wish I could explain it better.....but I can't, not without revealing more than I want to...

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That's okay, Esk, I read through back to Nov 27th. That was an important day. Go back and reread it--memorize it. This guy is poison. If you were allergic to chocolate and it made you break out in big, oozy sores, but you just loved it, would you go on eating it? I ask you this because this is not just an analogy, this is exactly what is happening here. You are already breaking out, everyone can see it, but you keep going back for one more little taste. It's sooo good. Now, you are telling yourself you can learn control, but you can't because it's poison. Get it? But you wouldn't make this mistake with chocolate because you wouldn't want to walk around with those big, oozy sores. The problem with love is that it's not so obvious as that. Good or bad, it's a hell of a ride. When it bad, though, the damage is happening so far down, you wonder if that's what's really happening.

Consider this. You want to ride on the biggest, baddest roller coaster at the carnival. Everyone tells you that the ride is dangerous and in desperate need of repairs. It upsets you to leave without having tried it out. You look at the ride longingly.... Will you chance the rest of your life for that one ride? There will be other carnivals, other roller coasters that have been well maintained.

Unfortunately, people are not so simple to turn away from as chocolate or carnival rides. They have this way of talking. But talk is cheap. Simple. Anyone can do it. Actions take effort. One way you can tell when you find something that is real, they will do so much more than talk to prove to you how they feel. If not, hang in till someone does. Your heart and body are the only thing entirely your own. Be certain that if you decide to give them away, the other person values the gift.