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Eskimo1990
03-30-2008, 01:02 AM
Many of you have helped me before with my problems, and it has helped me a lot. Which is why I'm here again.

There's this guy. We were.....together....before but then it ended I guess you could say. For a couple of months (maybe 3...) we stopped talking. Both of us believing that not talking would make the feelings we had for each other disappear.

I did get over him...or at least I thought I did.

Then he came back into my life. Those feelings I thought I had gotten rid of, came rushing back.

He's always made me feel special, and pretty. And he does make me happy.

But we have a problem (okay really a couple of problems) I am currently 17 though I turn 18 in about 8 months. He's 21. We are 3 years, and 11 months and some odd amount of days apart in age. (Please don't focus on the age thing, that's not really the problem.) We are both in the same program...they frown upon their members dating especially due to the fact of his age.

He also has a girlfriend. Their relationship has been really rocky. He loves her very much, but feels that he loves her too much to be with her.


I guess the main problem is that I don't know what to do with these feelings anymore. It's getting harder to talk to him again because we both know that technically we can't date. My problem is that I care far too much about him and I don't know what to do....

So any advice any of you have is extremely helpful. Thanks in advance

Kerr
03-30-2008, 01:20 AM
Okay, as I see it you're talking about a guy who has another girl who he loves so much he can't be with her? So what, is he's settling for you??? I'm sorry, but this sounds sooo crazy. After fifty some years of knowing humanity, this situation just screams, "PLAYER!" Sounds like you've bought it hook, line and sinker. They are so good at making others believe.

Just ask Ann Landers or Dr. Kerr.

Eskimo1990
03-30-2008, 01:40 AM
I see what you mean Kerr. I wish I could explain it better.....but I can't, not without revealing more than I want to...

reigningcatsndogs
03-30-2008, 01:45 AM
Many of you have helped me before with my problems, and it has helped me a lot. Which is why I'm here again.

There's this guy. We were.....together....before but then it ended I guess you could say. For a couple of months (maybe 3...) we stopped talking. Both of us believing that not talking would make the feelings we had for each other disappear.

I did get over him...or at least I thought I did.

Then he came back into my life. Those feelings I thought I had gotten rid of, came rushing back.

He's always made me feel special, and pretty. And he does make me happy.

But we have a problem (okay really a couple of problems) I am currently 17 though I turn 18 in about 8 months. He's 21. We are 3 years, and 11 months and some odd amount of days apart in age. (Please don't focus on the age thing, that's not really the problem.) We are both in the same program...they frown upon their members dating especially due to the fact of his age.

He also has a girlfriend. Their relationship has been really rocky. He loves her very much, but feels that he loves her too much to be with her.


I guess the main problem is that I don't know what to do with these feelings anymore. It's getting harder to talk to him again because we both know that technically we can't date. My problem is that I care far too much about him and I don't know what to do....

So any advice any of you have is extremely helpful. Thanks in advance

This is probably the biggest load of frigging cow dung I have read in a long time! He's not even close to good enough for you if this is what he says. 'He loves her to much to be with her'? Pu-lease!! What does that say about how much he loves you?

I think in your heart, if you really listen, this is exactly what you knew you needed to hear. Please please please don't settle for this guy cause he's going to hurt you bad, for a long time. The longer you're with him, the worse it will be. You were okay for those couple of months. You'll be okay again. You really will. :Hug2:

Susie
03-30-2008, 01:45 AM
I'm not much on giving out love advice, but know that I hope things work out for the best for you and know when love is right, you'll know it. :Hug2:

writerterri
03-30-2008, 01:48 AM
Here comes the loving mom in me. And yes, I'm old enough to be your mom.

Are you pregnant? You don't have to say in here just rep it to me if you'd like.

First things first.

Eskimo1990
03-30-2008, 01:55 AM
No I'm not pregnant.

And he doesn't love me. Nor do I love him....

Reigning--I know it sounds like a load of bullcrap....but I believe him. They've broken up a lot...and she gets really pissed off easily. Especially because of his work schedule right now. Monday-Friday 11pm-7am and Saturday-Sunday 7pm-7am. So they basically have no time together. He wants to wait until his schedule is fixed to more normal times or he gets a different job. But she's....again its complicated

It's kind of complicated.

Robert Toy
03-30-2008, 02:00 AM
From an old fart, if you have a continued physical relationship with him...run girl.

writerterri
03-30-2008, 02:01 AM
You must be in PM, Sweets and I have to go to work in a few.

Feelings from a lost relationship are devastating. You're so young and this will be one of many you'll be going through. One in a million 21 year old men are capable of being mature enough to handle a relationship. Relationships are for mature people. Before then you go through practice runs, sometimes many of them. This is one of them, darling.

Move on. I know it hurts but it's best.

Think about 10 years ago. How mature were you? Now, think about 10 years from now, how much more mature will you be than you are right now?

This is a growing spot in your life. Embrace it.

Much love,

Terri

zenwriter
03-30-2008, 02:02 AM
My advice: Run. You deserve someone better than this poo-poo head and someone better will come along.

Appalachian Writer
03-30-2008, 02:07 AM
Best advice? RUN. Run as fast and as far as you can. I'll tell you something that someone once told me. "When we're young, we love the man who makes us cry. When we're older, we love the man that makes us laugh because by then, we've cried too much." Don't cry too much. No relationship should be so complicated that it can't be explained. Life is too short to cry too much. So, as Dr. Shirley once wisely said, "Pack your bowling bag and boogie!"

Eskimo1990
03-30-2008, 02:13 AM
Well...it can sort of be explained...it's just I rather not....


For more information check my blog...you'd have to go back though to find it...His name is Matt so once you see that name pop up that's basically where you should start reading. I warn you though....it gets extremely depressing at some points.

JoNightshade
03-30-2008, 02:14 AM
I'll echo everyone else here. RUN.

Seriously. Love should not be complicated, it should not involve "other people," it should not be a constant yo-yo. You're young, you have your entire lifetime to find someone. There's no reason on EARTH you should settle for someone who involves this much angst.

Also, remember that feelings are just that: FEELINGS. It's never, EVER a good idea to make major life decisions with them, because they are fickle and undependable. You need to evaluate this guy with your head first, and if he doesn't pass, then you IGNORE YOUR HEART. It's hard a first, but after a while your heart will follow your mind. That sounds cold and un-romantic, but you need to find someone who's good for your heart and your head.

justme
03-30-2008, 02:24 AM
I agree with everyone else. RUN. As fast as you can. The right guy will come along. He will love you, and not someone else. Don't settle.

Fingers
03-30-2008, 03:00 AM
Speaking as a guy, any other guy that says he loves someone too much to be with them is telling a damn lie. This is a load of crap. If you have a shred of self repspect or dignity you will tell this guy to piss up a rope. I see nothing but trouble ahead with this. Do what you must, but youre getting some sane and sensible advice from these folks.

yer pal Brian

Devil Ledbetter
03-30-2008, 03:15 AM
So if he "loves her too much to be with her" but doesn't love you (yet), what's going to happen if he "falls in love" with you? After a while he'll "love you so much he can't stand to be with you" and find some new chickypoo who it's easier to be with, who's not expecting much.

And while he's stringing the new chick along, he'll tell her he has a killer work schedule and just doesn't have time for her except for when he decides he does. In other words, he'll call all the shots with her, and she'll hang around waiting and hoping and wondering.

Kind of like you seem to be doing right now.

I really wish you luck. I'm going to recommend a great book for you about dating and developing relationships. It's called A Fine Romance (http://www.amazon.com/Fine-Romance-Judith-Phd-Sills/dp/0345385713) by Judith Sills, Ph.D. I wish I'd read it when I was 17 instead of when I was 28, but 28 was better than never.

Don Allen
03-30-2008, 03:22 AM
I got to be honest with you Esk. I can't even figure out what the hell you're trying to do here. You say neither of you love each othe but want to be together, then you say he loves another girl so much he can't be with her,,, sweetie you sound like an old friend of mine who was so shit faced drunk she didn't even know her name.. I'm not checking out your blog, either tell us the deal or don't but nobody can help you if you don't stop playing games.

san_remo_ave
03-30-2008, 03:22 AM
OK, I did go have a look at your blog for a bit of the backstory. And I'm going to tell you what you already know --what you've written about over and over on that blog.

He is a liar.

He has lied to you repeatedly in the past and he has lied to his girlfriend/fiance. What could be any different this time around?

People who behave in this manner --especially those who are long past the high school years --do not change. No matter how sweet, caring, attentive, thoughtful or connected he appears to be, the fact remains that he deceives. You know this about him. It won't be any different this time around, especially if he's all angsty about another woman he "loves too much" or whatever.

You're not going to want to hear this either, but here's what I think: he doesn't want to change anything.

It's rather like the cheating married man who a) "can't" leave his wife and kids/dog/house/BMW and b) "can't" leave his girlfriend on the side, either. It's a sick novelty to some people to play these kinds of games.

Stop the cycle.

I know it's hard. You have feelings that are very real and very painful. I've been there and you know what? You'll always have feelings for your first love. But you've gotta let the relationship go --for good. You'll be happier and healthier for having done so.

Focus on your writing. Pour your time, energy and emotion into that. Instead of checking IMs, disconnect the internet and write until you're ready to go to sleep. Write it out of your system. It's a forgiving outlet for working through problems and pain.

Don Allen
03-30-2008, 03:23 AM
Is this a religious thing????

Ol' Fashioned Girl
03-30-2008, 04:08 AM
No I'm not pregnant.

And he doesn't love me. Nor do I love him....

Reigning--I know it sounds like a load of bullcrap....but I believe him. They've broken up a lot...and she gets really pissed off easily. Especially because of his work schedule right now. Monday-Friday 11pm-7am and Saturday-Sunday 7pm-7am. So they basically have no time together. He wants to wait until his schedule is fixed to more normal times or he gets a different job. But she's....again its complicated

It's kind of complicated.

You don't love him and he doesn't love you?

Then move on before someone loves someone else and the other someone doesn't.

It's really not complicated at all. You've heard the answer multiple times above, but it's not the one you want to hear. I'll say it again:

Run.

The OTHER way.

You're wasting each other's time... and he's wasting everything except his own libido.

III
03-30-2008, 04:13 AM
You don't love him and he doesn't love you?

Then move on before someone loves someone else and the other someone doesn't.

It's really not complicated at all. You've heard the answer multiple times above, but it's not the one you want to hear. I'll say it again:

Run.

The OTHER way.

You're wasting each other's time... and he's wasting everything except his own libido.

Dead on, OFG. There are millions of fish in the sea and plenty of them would be better for you and treat you better than him. You're at the beginning of a co-dependant relationship with a huge downside. Find someone else.

joyce
03-30-2008, 04:21 AM
I remember when you first started having problems with this guy and I told you to run. It sounds like nothing has got any better only more complicated. This guy is just stringing you along to get who knows what from you. Whatever it is, he's out to use you and I hope you don't give in. As everyone else said, Run like hell before it's too late.

JoNightshade
03-30-2008, 04:27 AM
Focus on your writing. Pour your time, energy and emotion into that. Instead of checking IMs, disconnect the internet and write until you're ready to go to sleep. Write it out of your system. It's a forgiving outlet for working through problems and pain.

Other than "RUN," I think this is the best piece of advice on this thread. Quit fooling around with him, quit pretending that you can just be friends or even talk normally. Cut off your IMs. Block him. Ignore him.

I know how tempting chatting on the internet can be, and how much it can play with your emotions. You see things that aren't there, and you cling to that communication because it makes you feel better temporarily. (Can you tell I've been-there-done-that?)

So don't torture yourself. Just stop. End it here.

Sonneillon
03-30-2008, 04:28 AM
Here are some points you need to pound into your own head. Repeat them to yourself over and over whenever you find yourself having fuzzy feelings toward him:

- He will not change. Not for you. Not for anyone. It is never going to get better with him.

- If there are problems in a relationship from the beginning, it only gets worse from there. Time is not going to fix anything.

- You deserve a person who isn't carrying around his type of baggage. That kind of baggage should be an instant turn-off to you. This is a glaring red warning sign. It doesn't mean he will 'understand' you. It means he's BAD for you.

- You deserve a person who will devote their romantic attention to you ONLY. Never share a man, unless you're polyamorous and EVERYONE involved knows about, and accepts, everyone else. But otherwise, Never, ever, EVER share a man.

Kerr
03-30-2008, 06:47 AM
I see what you mean Kerr. I wish I could explain it better.....but I can't, not without revealing more than I want to...

That's okay, Esk, I read through back to Nov 27th. That was an important day. Go back and reread it--memorize it. This guy is poison. If you were allergic to chocolate and it made you break out in big, oozy sores, but you just loved it, would you go on eating it? I ask you this because this is not just an analogy, this is exactly what is happening here. You are already breaking out, everyone can see it, but you keep going back for one more little taste. It's sooo good. Now, you are telling yourself you can learn control, but you can't because it's poison. Get it? But you wouldn't make this mistake with chocolate because you wouldn't want to walk around with those big, oozy sores. The problem with love is that it's not so obvious as that. Good or bad, it's a hell of a ride. When it bad, though, the damage is happening so far down, you wonder if that's what's really happening.

Consider this. You want to ride on the biggest, baddest roller coaster at the carnival. Everyone tells you that the ride is dangerous and in desperate need of repairs. It upsets you to leave without having tried it out. You look at the ride longingly.... Will you chance the rest of your life for that one ride? There will be other carnivals, other roller coasters that have been well maintained.

Unfortunately, people are not so simple to turn away from as chocolate or carnival rides. They have this way of talking. But talk is cheap. Simple. Anyone can do it. Actions take effort. One way you can tell when you find something that is real, they will do so much more than talk to prove to you how they feel. If not, hang in till someone does. Your heart and body are the only thing entirely your own. Be certain that if you decide to give them away, the other person values the gift.

Eskimo1990
03-30-2008, 06:51 AM
You guys are right...I don't want to hear that...but I know you guys are right.

I'll talk to him sometime tomorrow since he is at work right now. I refuse to just leave without a goodbye, he deserves that much after everything me and him have been through.

Cranky
03-30-2008, 07:00 AM
You guys are right...I don't want to hear that...but I know you guys are right.

I'll talk to him sometime tomorrow since he is at work right now. I refuse to just leave without a goodbye, he deserves that much after everything me and him have been through.

I wouldn't give him that opening, to be frank. If he's a sweet-talker, he'll take full advantage. He'll play that "what he deserves from you" card for all it's worth. There will be tears, and angst, and wayyyy too much talking.

Cut it off. No explanations are necessary...it's SELF-explanatory. It's cold, it's harsh, and it feels damned impolite.

I know I sound impolite, and I'm sorry for it, but I think bluntness here is required. Don't give him a chance to manipulate your feelings.

But it's totally necessary. Clean break.

Devil Ledbetter
03-30-2008, 07:01 AM
I wouldn't give him that opening, to be frank. If he's a sweet-talker, he'll take full advantage. He'll play that "what he deserves from you" card for all it's worth. There will be tears, and angst, and wayyyy too much talking.

Cut it off. No explanations are necessary...it's SELF-explanatory. It's cold, it's harsh, and it feels damned impolite.

I know I sound impolite, and I'm sorry for it, but I think bluntness here is required. Don't give him a chance to manipulate your feelings.

But it's totally necessary. Clean break.Good call, Cranky.

Cranky
03-30-2008, 07:04 AM
Good call, Cranky.

The voice of hard-won experience, I'm afraid.

SpookyWriter
03-30-2008, 07:06 AM
The voice of hard-won experience, I'm afraid.
Better than the voice of a boiled frog, I'm sure. Not croaky cranky.

Cranky
03-30-2008, 07:15 AM
Better than the voice of a boiled frog, I'm sure. Not croaky cranky.

I have that, too. Stupid cold. *achooo!*

Eskimo1990
03-30-2008, 07:44 AM
Please..someone PM or something.

I know that I have to say goodbye...but I know I can't do it....

Someone talk some sense into me....

benbradley
03-30-2008, 08:51 AM
Check your rep points, I just gave you one (you don't have to "answer" or PM, but feel free if you want).

The thing is you don't have to literally SAY "goodbye" - you could say "sorry, I just can't talk to you anymore" and turn around and walk (very quickly!) away, or you could just say nothing. You may also be concerned about HIS feelings, but let me assure you that his feelings are NOT your responsibility. You shouldn't be intentionally hurtful (not that you would in this case), but you need to take care of yourself. It's clear to everyone in the thread that he's bad for you, and in spite of whatever feelings you may have, you should stay away from him.

Rereading the thread, Cranky is right. Doing what you need to do for yourself trumps what he "deserves."

Cranky
03-30-2008, 09:02 AM
I know it isn't an easy thing to do. I've been in your shoes (sort of) once, when I was about 19. I was engaged to him, too, so it was doubly hard. Plus we shared friends, I thought. Then, after I dumped him, I found out differently.

It's hard. Very hard, to cut off someone you have strong feelings for. Feels like you're cutting yourself, in a way. And you are. Not to be gross, exactly, but it's like lancing a boil. It hurts to do it, but it rids you of the poison.

And this guy, to me, sounds like poison. Cutting him out of your life now will cause you some short term pain, but that's nothing compared to the long-term pain of keeping someone not good for you in your life.

Please, believe me.

Maryn
03-30-2008, 06:22 PM
I'm seeing nothing but rock-solid, good advice here, from people who've been there and done that. I truly hope you'll listen to every word. There's not a woman alive who needs to be with a guy like Matt. We all deserve better--and alone counts as better.

Besides, you won't be alone. You've got your writing. You've got us. And you will be surprised how short a time span is required before you see this guy's true colors and are profoundly glad you have no connection to him.

Maryn, echoing others

Eskimo1990
03-31-2008, 12:40 AM
It's over and done with.

I did say goodbye. I couldn't handle not talking to him without saying goodbye and just blocking him. I know how that feels because it's happen to me before.

I think I knew that I needed to do this before I even posted this. I think I knew when I wrote a letter to myself. I've probably know for awhile.

It sucks and already I can almost feel the tears coming, but you guys were right. I needed to get out of there. And now I guess this is the part where I run.

Thanks for your help guys.

reigningcatsndogs
03-31-2008, 12:43 AM
It's over and done with.

I did say goodbye. I couldn't handle not talking to him without saying goodbye and just blocking him. I know how that feels because it's happen to me before.

I think I knew that I needed to do this before I even posted this. I think I knew when I wrote a letter to myself. I've probably know for awhile.

It sucks and already I can almost feel the tears coming, but you guys were right. I needed to get out of there. And now I guess this is the part where I run.

Thanks for your help guys.

:Hug2: Tears are perfectly okay. And no running. You have no reason to run. You made a wise choice, one that could have saved you from years of pain and suffering. You don't run -- you stand up proud and know you are one very strong person who survived another of life's kicks in the butt. You did good.

Jean Marie
03-31-2008, 12:47 AM
I'm learning that tears aren't such a bad thing, FWIW. Just so you know you aren't alone in that department.

Hang in there, you did the right thing :Hug2:

You got excellent advice and it took a lot of guts to follow through w/ it. Give yourself a pat on the back. And, remember, you aren't alone, unless you want to be.

Robert Toy
03-31-2008, 12:51 AM
It's over and done with.

I did say goodbye. I couldn't handle not talking to him without saying goodbye and just blocking him. I know how that feels because it's happen to me before.

I think I knew that I needed to do this before I even posted this. I think I knew when I wrote a letter to myself. I've probably know for awhile.

It sucks and already I can almost feel the tears coming, but you guys were right. I needed to get out of there. And now I guess this is the part where I run.

Thanks for your help guys.
Stick around and join in - we are all a bit insane...:D

Jean Marie
03-31-2008, 12:54 AM
Stick around and join in - we are all a bit insane...:D
Excuse me...

*goes to look in mirror...shit, he's right*

Robert Toy
03-31-2008, 12:56 AM
Excuse me...

*goes to look in mirror...shit, he's right*
Give me my mirror back!

Jean Marie
03-31-2008, 01:00 AM
Give me my mirror back!
Oh thank God, it's your mirror!

Cranky
03-31-2008, 01:00 AM
It's over and done with.

I did say goodbye. I couldn't handle not talking to him without saying goodbye and just blocking him. I know how that feels because it's happen to me before.

I think I knew that I needed to do this before I even posted this. I think I knew when I wrote a letter to myself. I've probably know for awhile.

It sucks and already I can almost feel the tears coming, but you guys were right. I needed to get out of there. And now I guess this is the part where I run.

Thanks for your help guys.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. But you did the right thing, I truly believe that. Cold comfort at the moment, I know.

Eskimo1990
03-31-2008, 01:00 AM
Thanks guys. You all are really a blessing. I'm glad I found this site :Hug2:

Jean Marie
03-31-2008, 01:01 AM
Please don't do that again...you scared the livin' hell outta me.

Thank you, Robert.

HeronW
03-31-2008, 01:11 AM
Love isn't supposed to hurt--either emotionally or physically. If love does hurt, it's not love, it's a VERY BAD HABIT! We may like someone's traits, looks, little endearing stuff, but if the person doesn't love you & vice versa, then it's never going to work. Keep the person as a friend, but again, a true friend will also give support, not be taking all the time.

I was ready to marry one guy R., when I found out his jealous nature as I was directing a play and gave a hello kiss on the cheek to an older gentleman friend. R. took me aside and grabbed my arm. I was royally pissed. I told R. to take his hand off me and never touch me like that again. I told R. he has no right to say who my friends are and how I treat them, then I said we're done, finished. R. stalked me for 10 months then finally stopped.

I had enough self-respect to not put up with anyone laying a hand on me. I refused to let anyone put me in a box and define me according to their insecurites.

Robert Toy
03-31-2008, 01:33 AM
Thanks guys. You all are really a blessing. I'm glad I found this site :Hug2:
Just a thought - start a new WIP.

Joycecwilliams
03-31-2008, 01:36 AM
Love isn't supposed to hurt--either emotionally or physically. If love does hurt, it's not love, it's a VERY BAD HABIT! We may like someone's traits, looks, little endearing stuff, but if the person doesn't love you & vice versa, then it's never going to work. Keep the person as a friend, but again, a true friend will also give support, not be taking all the time.

I was ready to marry one guy R., when I found out his jealous nature as I was directing a play and gave a hello kiss on the cheek to an older gentleman friend. R. took me aside and grabbed my arm. I was royally pissed. I told R. to take his hand off me and never touch me like that again. I told R. he has no right to say who my friends are and how I treat them, then I said we're done, finished. R. stalked me for 10 months then finally stopped.

I had enough self-respect to not put up with anyone laying a hand on me. I refused to let anyone put me in a box and define me according to their insecurites.

Great advice. However I think love does hurt at times. Especially when a loved one dies.. I am still in mourning over someone I loved dearly. It's not that I cry everyday. However when I hear a song, or see something it hurts me deep enough to cry. I went to his grave in February and cried while I was buying flowers for the grave.
He's been gone for a long time, but I still miss him. I'm married to another, but I still miss him, and would run to him in a minute. Crazy huh?

HeronW
03-31-2008, 02:06 AM
Missing a loved one hurts--I know, loving them shouldn't.

Kerr
03-31-2008, 02:43 AM
:e2grouphu Yea Esk, you did it! I'm so proud of you. You have won a thousand times over. Now, sit down and make a list of positive things you would like to find in the man of your dreams, like mutual respect, like someone who listens and remembers the things that are important to you, like someone who cares if your parents respect him, etc., etc., and hide your list and don't tell, but judge those guys accordingly. Now, go out dancing or something with your friends and have a good time.

Eskimo1990
03-31-2008, 03:42 AM
Thanks Kerr :) Would love to go out with my friends.....but I still have homework :( I gotta stop waiting last minute

Eskimo1990
03-31-2008, 05:42 AM
In case any of you want to read this here is the letter I wrote to myself a few days ago. Sorry about the swear words. Oh, and I've deleted everything that had to do with him. Pretty much anyways, since I'm not going to go through and delete stuff in my blog.
Dear Amanda,

Are you completely stupid? What happened to telling him goodbye? What happened to telling him to fuck off? Now look what you've landed yourself in.
Again.
So you've talked to Matt. Wonderful. It makes you happy right, talking to him? You don't need him. You never have. You're so much better without him. We both know that. So then why do you continue to do this to yourself?!
Remember when you were so happy because you had finally gotten over him. Finally forgot about the way he made you feel. What happened to that person? She was so confident about herself, so sure she'd never let him back in. What happened?
You were so sure you would just tell him goodbye. But you didn't, did you? No. You continued to talk to him for God only knows why.
Not only did you talk to him, but you lied to your BEST FRIEND about stuff that happened between the two of you. That made you guilty didn't it? I know you didn't like lying to her. But you were so damn sure she'd freak out about it all that you didn't even give her a chance. DON'T YOU LEARN? You're already fighting with her more than you ever have and yet you lie about the stuff that happens.
You stopped caring about Matt, right? Good for you. It was a great thing. Wonderful even. So many people were so proud of you. Including yourself. So what gives? Why go back to something that made you so fucking miserable half the time. Yeah, yeah, I know sometimes he makes you smile, or laugh.
But that's only sometimes. He's always made you cry, right? How many times did you wish that you had never met him? How many times did you wish that you could just hate him? A lot.
You know you're getting in too deep again. You hate seeing his away messages now. You hate that he's with her. You hate that he'll never be with you. Why do you even continue talking to him then? He's only pulling you back down into that black hole.
You can't be with him. Not because he has a girlfriend. Not because he's 21. Not because you both could get kicked out of CAP. Not because you're parents probably wouldn't allow it. But because he's a liar, a cheater and makes you cry. Who wants to be with someone like that? Nobody.
Give up the dream. It's not coming true. It can't. Get that through your head already. Before you hurt yourself even more.
Get out there before you cause yourself anymore pain. I know you'll make the right decision. You know that you just need to say goodbye. You're both better off without each other.
Sincerely,
Your Conscience.

P.S. Get out there before you do something that you will regret. Oh wait. You already did. Way to go.

Sonneillon
03-31-2008, 09:21 AM
I wouldn't give him that opening, to be frank. If he's a sweet-talker, he'll take full advantage. He'll play that "what he deserves from you" card for all it's worth. There will be tears, and angst, and wayyyy too much talking.

Cut it off. No explanations are necessary...it's SELF-explanatory. It's cold, it's harsh, and it feels damned impolite.

I know I sound impolite, and I'm sorry for it, but I think bluntness here is required. Don't give him a chance to manipulate your feelings.

But it's totally necessary. Clean break.

This is perfect advice. You cannot give him an opening to manipulate you.

Once upon a time, somebody told me that it was okay to care more about my happiness than about anyone else's. He stopped me from committing suicide. I think our situations are very different, but the advice holds... it is not incumbant upon you to care about his happiness, or about offending him. You need to do what's best for YOU. Make it a clean break and, I cannot emphasize this enough, NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN. Never. Not even for a few minutes. Not even in this group you're both part of. Find a different chapter to attend. The best way to get rid of a tumor is to rip the whole thing out at once. If you talk to him, you WILL go back. I can cite you hundreds of examples of women in abusive relationships, dead-end relationships, adulterous relationships, drug addicts, gambling addicts, people running from bad situations who thought just a little bit wouldn't hurt. "Maybe things have changed now. Maybe they've changed."

No. It never changes. You will get sucked in. The best thing you can do for yourself is never give him the time of day. He will probably be angry. He will probably fight back. If you need to get a restraining order, do that, and enforce it. Every single time he tries to get to you, you need to slap him down so hard he feels the bruises for a week, and you need to commit yourself to doing that when you decide to break it off.

I'm glad you went ahead and did it, but your success is made or broken in the follow-through. Remember that - not even a little, itty bitty taste. He talks, you leave.

Eskimo1990
03-31-2008, 01:49 PM
I get what you mean, and I plan on doing that.
However. I cannot leave CAP. (I could but I love it too much) We are in different squadrons. But there is only one Michigan Wing. I will have no way to avoid him at Encampment. Especially since he will probably be the one checking all the people in. I do not plan to speak to him expect at that point. Luckily for me he's doing something that is basically doing a lot of paperwork stuff. Luckily for me I have no chance of him being my flight leader.

James81
03-31-2008, 04:06 PM
:e2grouphu

I've learned that no amount of advice we give you is going to affect what you do. If there's anything that people have to learn for themselves, it that they need to break up with someone and STAY AWAY from them. Unfortunately, I've given advice time and time again to just stay away and move on, but almost nobody has ever listened to it.

It's one of those things you have to learn for yourself. Even after reading your current letter, I will bet that you still aren't quite done yet. Just know that you are facing normal feelings and you are acting on them in very normal ways. At some point the pain of getting back with him and being around him will be greater than the pain of staying away and breaking contact with him. And THAT is the point at which you can finally move on.

In any case, sorry that you are going through this. He sounds like he might your first love and those are the toughest to get over.