Grief and writing

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Moonfish

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I am at a very difficult point in my life right now and I would appreciate advice from writers who have faced similar situations.

A short while ago I lost my first and only child. I will not go into details, you all understand. Two days later I found out that my third book had been accepted. It was hard to feel any joy about it.

Exactly a week after my loss I found out that I had been granted a one year writing grant - something I have fantasized about but never thought was possible and only applied for last fall for fun. But I actually got it. It gives me the amazing opportunity to focus solely on my writing for a full year.

And now I wonder - how can I go on writing after this? First of all, it feels like a betrayal to my child to continue something as meaningless as writing. Second of all, I am afraid that sitting at home alone for a year writing will not help me but might plunge me into depression. I'll be alone with my thoughts and writing is such a self-absorbed activity.
And thirdly, how can I focus on writing in the face of this loss? Should I even try or just give up the grant and get a job so I'm out among people?

Are there other writers out there who have struggled with grief and guilt and being creative? Am I making any sense here at all? If not, please ignore these ramblings but thank you for letting me pour out my heart a little.
 

lkp

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Moonfish, many hugs. I wonder if you could ask to defer the grant for a year. I also wonder whether having a year to write might not end up being therapeutic, as long as you build in some fixed times when you have to interact with people (a writing group? volunteer work? a part-time job?) I would also very strongly suggest you think about getting some therapy to help you through the worst parts.
 

Moonfish

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Oh I am getting therapy, absolutely. But it has crossed my mind to defer the grant. I just have a hard time making up my mind right now.
 

Susan Breen

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Moonfish, My heart goes out to you. Earlier this year I lost my oldest son. A week later I got the cover for my first book, and it was beautiful. This was something I had struggled to achieve for so many years and it tasted like dust. I'm going to therapy and I go to church and I have a loving family and my writing is very healing. But the fact is it's a terrible, terrible thing to go through. Just be as kind to yourself as you can. One other thing is that I did keep teaching through all of this because I find that grief is very isolating. People don't know what to say, especially when it's something as horrifying as this. So it helped me to try and keep life normal. So you might want to put off doing something that would force you to stay home alone. Lots of hugs. Susan
 

James81

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First of all, :e2grouphu

So sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine what that's like.

I have a reading assignment for you:

"The Right to Write" by Julia Cameron

This book is going to be right up your alley and will perhaps change your entire viewpoint on your writing and how "meaningless" it is. Seriously, if you don't do anything else, pick up a copy of this book and read it.

Secondly, your child would not want your life to stop just because he/she is gone. Many people have to pick up and go back to work in the face of death and this should be treated no differently. It's not cruel or unusual or even insensitive to want to pursue your writing in the face of your child's death. In fact, NOW is when it's most important to you. NOW is when you need to channel your grief to the page and allow yourself to cope with this through the one thing that will truly help you overcome the grief and manage it to a level you can cope with on a long term basis. Writing, to you, is so important right now because it'll help you work through your grief.

Finally, having a year to devote entirely to writing won't just be all about sitting in front of a computer screen. In fact, and you'll see this in the book I suggested, writing encompasses the whole of life. Living life and moving forward and DOING things is important to your inspiration. Get yourself a notebook and a good pen and get out of the house and write. Fill your life with writing instead of making a living writing.

Anyways, sorry about your loss. Time will heal you up and you'll find that if you just hold on...if you just hold on until the storm passes you'll make it fine. Then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take another step. It's that next step that is most important always remember that.
 

Moonfish

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Susan, you seem to have gone through the same thing as I have and we both still are. Many people have suggested I go back to work, but being a freelancer that is another kind of struggle - my income varies and is uncertain. And I have had work offers that I turned down recently because the situation was different, I don't know how much work I can get now. The grant will give a guaranteed income and I wouldn't have to worry about that.

I have my husband so I am not all alone, but he works of course. And we've recently moved to a place where I know no-one, so it's hard to find anyone to meet up with during the days. I could combine the grant with freelance work, but much of that is done from home, too. In the past I have combined freelance writing and fiction writing and found the juggling hard. The idea of the grant was that I could focus entirely on my writing now.

Oh it's so hard to know. But my warmest thoughts and prayers for you, Susan.
 

KikiteNeko

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My heart goes out to you. The death of a loved one really strips of person of the ability to make a clear thought, and it's immobilizing for a long time. I know that this is different than the loss of a child, but two years ago my father died very unexpectedly and I just sat there numbly while my world came crashing down. Things had been going so well for me, writing-wise, and after that I hit the dry spell of my young life. Nothing mattered, and I wondered what would happen with my writing and with my life in general. It had always been my goal to write a novel, and writing had always been my comfort and escape, but after my loss I had nothing and no desire to even fight to get it back. Night time had always been my time to lie in bed and think about story ideas, and I found myself falling asleep with the television on so I wouldn't have to think.

Grief, sometimes, in my experience, makes your thoughts not your own. It doesn't matter if you're not the first person to lose a loved one, because it was YOUR loved one and that makes all the difference to you.

I can only say that after nearly a year I began writing again, slowly, shakily at first, and it's not because I forced myself. It's because it just started happening again. And I still struggle, absolutely. That's why I say you can't force yourself to start writing, and you also can't say "I absolutely won't write again." My advice is to just not make any firm decisions, and to let what happens with your writing happen. Now isn't a time for you to make a permanent decision about anything. They always say don't give household item away, don't change your job, don't move while the grief is still fresh. The same goes for writing.

But I can tell you that writing isn't meaningless. For centuries, there have been writers who wrote through the deepest stages of grief and depression. I think you should look up "In Memoriam" by Alfred Lord Tennyson. He wrote that after his friend died, and it took him seventeen years to finish it. A lot of people have taken comfort in it.
 

Moonfish

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Secondly, your child would not want your life to stop just because he/she is gone. Many people have to pick up and go back to work in the face of death and this should be treated no differently. It's not cruel or unusual or even insensitive to want to pursue your writing in the face of your child's death. In fact, NOW is when it's most important to you. NOW is when you need to channel your grief to the page and allow yourself to cope with this through the one thing that will truly help you overcome the grief and manage it to a level you can cope with on a long term basis. Writing, to you, is so important right now because it'll help you work through your grief.

Finally, having a year to devote entirely to writing won't just be all about sitting in front of a computer screen. In fact, and you'll see this in the book I suggested, writing encompasses the whole of life. Living life and moving forward and DOING things is important to your inspiration. Get yourself a notebook and a good pen and get out of the house and write. Fill your life with writing instead of making a living writing.

Those are some true words and I'll try to hold onto them. I am already doing some therapeutic writing, just for me. Thank you for your support.

I have vague memory of actually reading The Right to Write at some point. I might have to look at it again. I have The Artist's Way, but didn't like it that much.
 

KikiteNeko

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I agree with this. If you can defer the grant and keep working as normal it might be for the best. When my father died I kept going to school, and in the summer I found a full time job, and it helped being among people.

terrible thing to go through. Just be as kind to yourself as you can. One other thing is that I did keep teaching through all of this because I find that grief is very isolating.
 

Moonfish

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I can only say that after nearly a year I began writing again, slowly, shakily at first, and it's not because I forced myself. It's because it just started happening again. And I still struggle, absolutely. That's why I say you can't force yourself to start writing, and you also can't say "I absolutely won't write again." My advice is to just not make any firm decisions, and to let what happens with your writing happen. Now isn't a time for you to make a permanent decision about anything. They always say don't give household item away, don't change your job, don't move while the grief is still fresh. The same goes for writing.

This is what I fear though - that I accept the grant and then find myself unable to do any writing for the duration of it. And I hear how horrible this sounds even as I write it, but I would hate to waste this precious grant. I can hardly find any joy in it now, but I know what a great opportunity it is. How can I know when I will be ready? I have to let them know by May and can then choose quite freely when during late summer/fall I want it to begin. So I have some time to make up my mind.

If I could only think clearly...
 

Susan Breen

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Moonfish, Then the grant seems like a good thing, and you've received lots of great advice here. Just being part of this board has helped keep me going. I find myself also seeking out books by writers who have suffered losses--Dickens comes to mind, but I know there are many. Just take it slow.
 

KikiteNeko

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If you can defer the grant for a year, and keep doing your routine, my advice would be to do that. You don't want to pressure yourself into saying "okay, I have a year to write" because that's unneeded pressure.

I would call and explain the situation. I remember going into the school's financial aid office to handle my loans and saying "My dad just died and I have no idea what to do." It's amazing how prepared they are for situations like this.

This is what I fear though - that I accept the grant and then find myself unable to do any writing for the duration of it. And I hear how horrible this sounds even as I write it, but I would hate to waste this precious grant. I can hardly find any joy in it now, but I know what a great opportunity it is. How can I know when I will be ready? I have to let them know by May and can then choose quite freely when during late summer/fall I want it to begin. So I have some time to make up my mind.

If I could only think clearly...
 

Appalachian Writer

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I am at a very difficult point in my life right now and I would appreciate advice from writers who have faced similar situations.

A short while ago I lost my first and only child. I will not go into details, you all understand. Two days later I found out that my third book had been accepted. It was hard to feel any joy about it.

Exactly a week after my loss I found out that I had been granted a one year writing grant - something I have fantasized about but never thought was possible and only applied for last fall for fun. But I actually got it. It gives me the amazing opportunity to focus solely on my writing for a full year.

And now I wonder - how can I go on writing after this? First of all, it feels like a betrayal to my child to continue something as meaningless as writing. Second of all, I am afraid that sitting at home alone for a year writing will not help me but might plunge me into depression. I'll be alone with my thoughts and writing is such a self-absorbed activity.
And thirdly, how can I focus on writing in the face of this loss? Should I even try or just give up the grant and get a job so I'm out among people?

Are there other writers out there who have struggled with grief and guilt and being creative? Am I making any sense here at all? If not, please ignore these ramblings but thank you for letting me pour out my heart a little.

Moonfish,
In 1996, I came home from work to find my 10-yr-old daughter receiving CPR. My mother, hysterically weeping, was standing nearby. Amanda had been hit by a car while on her way to her Kiddie-league cheerleading practice. That morning was the last time I spoke to her. Thank God, as she was walking out the door, I'd told her "I love you."

I understand what you're going through because I've been there. There are two things I've learned: 1. Losing a child is the most horrific experience in the world. There's nothing, no grief, that can even hint at the struggle a parent must endure during this situation. AND 2. There are 2 options available to the grieving parent.

The Frist option is to shut yourself up in a locked room, nurture your grief in the same way as you nurtured your child, allow it to grow like a child, until that grief replaces the child entirely. Many have taken this option, and who could blame them? The only problem? This option kills you; it literally removes you from life, from your other family members, and from anyone else in the world that might benefit from your wisdom, your experience, and your creativity. HOW COULD I SAY THAT? HOW COULD SOMEONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL, FEED ME THAT LOAD OF CRAP? I can feed you that crap because I tried it for a while. I shut down, shut myself away, and kept my personal guilt at the head of the line when it came to my emotions.

The Second Option: Allow the memory of your child to live and not just the grief at the child's passing. How do you do that? Well, in my case, I learned to rely on my faith that the essence of my daughter lived on, that somewhere in the great beyond, the two of us would meet again. I thought about that meeting. Did I want to meet her with my head hung low, knowing that SHE'D know how I'd led my life after her passing, that I had allowed my grief to replace her and to dim her memory. I decided that wouldn't be a good idea. When I meet my child again, I want her to look at me with great pride. I want her to stick her elbow into the rib of the spirit standing next to her and to hear her say "That's my Mommy!" I want to hear her say those words with her head held high!

What did I do to try to achieve her approval? I went back to school, graduated summa cum laude, earned my MA in English, and then began to teach. In the mean time I write. I write poetry, short-fiction, long-fiction, essays. I write. I get it all down: my grief, my pain, my understanding, all of it.

There's no shame in success, no shame in grief, no shame in tears or pain or depression over the loss of a child. The shame comes when you live your life in such a way that a passer by some ten years from now might look toward your home and shake their head, saying, "Poor old so-and-so. She lost a child and hasn't been the same since."

Although you may never be the same, you must "BE"; you must go on not in spite of what's happened but because of it.
 

Moonfish

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I understand what you're going through because I've been there. There are two things I've learned: 1. Losing a child is the most horrific experience in the world. There's nothing, no grief, that can even hint at the struggle a parent must endure during this situation. AND 2. There are 2 options available to the grieving parent.

The Frist option is to shut yourself up in a locked room, nurture your grief in the same way as you nurtured your child, allow it to grow like a child, until that grief replaces the child entirely. Many have taken this option, and who could blame them? The only problem? This option kills you; it literally removes you from life, from your other family members, and from anyone else in the world that might benefit from your wisdom, your experience, and your creativity. HOW COULD I SAY THAT? HOW COULD SOMEONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL, FEED ME THAT LOAD OF CRAP? I can feed you that crap because I tried it for a while. I shut down, shut myself away, and kept my personal guilt at the head of the line when it came to my emotions.

The Second Option: Allow the memory of your child to live and not just the grief at the child's passing.

Thank you for your beautiful answer. And I completely understand what you say here. I have already tried to make a conscious decision to not allow myself to dig into the grief and make a permanent residence there. My son did not get to live for very long, and I asked myself: do I want his legacy to this world be only pain and grief? No. I want it to be love.
I am so at the beginning of the grieving process that I do not yet know to what extent I can live by this insight, or where this process will take me, but I will try to hang on.
 

Phaeal

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It strikes me that you're already showing a lot of courage by writing so clearly about what you're going through and how you may face it. Let yourself take full credit for that.

It's a good thing that you have a little time to think about the grant decision, and that you can choose to start it later rather than sooner. Maybe this grant is a gift to you, to help you through your grief, to help you grow on in life. Think about how you might embrace the grant rather than how you might waste it. Imagine it nurturing you rather than isolating you. You deserve the grant. You earned it, and it is as important to you as your writing is, which is something only you can decide, and make happen.

It's a terrible thing, and a wonderful indispensible thing, that sometimes we do get to make decisions. Bless you as you rest and make this one.
 

geardrops

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I have no advice to give, only my deepest condolences.

Do what feels right. Do what will make you heal.

Also :e2grouphu
 

Birol

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That's a good question right now.
Moonfish, my condolences on your lost. That has to be very difficult.

You are allowed to grieve. You need to grieve, but you can't let grief become your life. You have to continue on. Right now, you have a choice: You can keep living or you can stop and just wait for the day when they bury you alongside your child. Presumably, there are other people who need you now. Which option is the best for you? Which is the best for them?

:Hug2:
 
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HeronW

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Oh Moonfish, my deepest sympathy. Don't abandon your writing--it is a part of you too.
 

Judg

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Moonfish, I can't give you proper advice, seeing as I haven't really been there, but I too offer my condolences.

If you do decide to take the grant, I concur with the advice to schedule activities into your life that require you to be out among people. Do some volunteer work, join a birding club, take photography lessons, whatever.
 

dreamsofnever

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Moonfish, my heart breaks for you. It's absolutely not the same, but I recently had a miscarriage and I was heartbroken at losing a child that hadn't been born. Losing a child that I've had time with and actually been able to get to know? I can only barely begin to imagine how painful it must be. I am just so sorry for your loss.

As for your writing opportunities, I think that perhaps these are coming about at this time for a reason. The best way to honor those we love is to continue to live passionately and pursue our dreams. It's hard to see these dreams through the cloud of overwhelming grief, I know. But they are still there.

I honestly think that having this time to write might be a positive experience for you. In fact, you may even get the chance to deal with your grief through writing. For me, I find writing very therapeutic. Sometimes telling a story that resembles my own emotions is the best way to face them and let them out.

I would say that if you do take this grant, you should make sure to schedule activities outside the home, whether you're scheduling weekly dinner dates with a friend or family member, or a weekly class, or whatever.

But in the end, I think that you should follow your heart as to what you really feel is best for you.

Anyways, I am sending many sympathies and hugs your way. My heart truly goes out to you and I wish you the best in dealing with your grief.

I won't say overcoming because grief isn't necessarily overcome. The best way to move with grief is to integrate it into your life. It's not something to 'put behind' you so much as something that will inform who you are as a person and will ultimately give you the chance to grow.

Sorry for the rambling. I know there's not a whole lot I can say that will help in this situation, so I wish you the best and I wish you peace.
 

Susan B

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Dear Moonfish (and Susan, and Appalachian Writer, and dreams of never, too)

My heart goes out to all of you! Nothing compares to the loss of a child.

I lost a two-year old sister when I was eight, and my family was altered forever by the experience.

More recently, I faced the sudden hospitalization of my son, just as I began to have success with my writing. I have struggled very much with grief and guilt and loss of meaning during his illness and slow recovery.

18 months ago, I had the excitement of meeting my new agent in NYC for the first time, coupled with rising anxiety at also seeing my 25-year-old son and realizing something was very wrong. A month later, my husband and I were back in New York, because our son had been hospitalized suddenly. I carried my laptop with me, working on revisions to the proposal my agent had requested. It was surreal, staying in NY for 2 weeks, visiting our son in the hospital, e-mailing my agent, a mile or so from her office instead of from the West Coast. (I eventually let her know what was going on, and she was incredibly empathic. She's a mom, too.) I was panicked, numb, just putting one foot in front of the other. Our son flew back home to California with us. I wasn't certain he would ever return to himself.

Today, my son is doing well, back to his life as a struggling young musician in NY. But it's been a long slow recovery, the prospect of medication for years and perpetual vigilance. I am thankful for every day.

And my book is being published. Little by little, I have allowed myself to feel pleased, even excited. But it's been muted. The "ego" part of it is largely stripped away, which is not a bad thing. At first, all that kept me going was a feeling of doing my job, keeping my commitment to my agent, and then my publisher. Gradually, I again felt the commitment to my craft, my art, and to the need to tell my story.

Moonfish, I can't really add to what others have said in the way of advice. I might want to defer the grant, if I could. I think it is very important to have structure, other people, not too much time. (I'd do less well if I didn't also have a "day job" 3 days a week.)

I know you'll continue writing. No, it is certainly not meaningless. But the experience does shift after loss. Success means something different, and some aspects of it remain a little muted. But as for meaning, I think the experience of grief and loss help forge a deeper, purer meaning--because all we are left with is the pure essence of the writing and what it means to us.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

Susan
 
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LaceWing

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My deepest condolences to you, Moonfish, and others.

You of course have to check your own sensibilities, but my intuition is that by late summer you will have made a transition, and that the grief will strengthen you. Take the time now to observe others compassionately. Notice that old man who argues about the price of coffee, the business woman laughing about a run in her stockings, a crumpled hand-written letter in the Pizza Hut trash. You have new eyes. They don't quite know what they are seeing yet.

I've lost two loving men, two brothers, both parents, multiple friends. One day I came across this saying -- I asked God, why me? And God said, why not? -- and reading it made my new eyes blink in astonishment (though I remain an atheist, which is irrelevant to the meaning, of course).
 

Appalachian Writer

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My deepest condolences to you, Moonfish, and others.

You of course have to check your own sensibilities, but my intuition is that by late summer you will have made a transition, and that the grief will strengthen you. Take the time now to observe others compassionately. Notice that old man who argues about the price of coffee, the business woman laughing about a run in her stockings, a crumpled hand-written letter in the Pizza Hut trash. You have new eyes. They don't quite know what they are seeing yet.

I've lost two loving men, two brothers, both parents, multiple friends. One day I came across this saying -- I asked God, why me? And God said, why not? -- and reading it made my new eyes blink in astonishment (though I remain an atheist, which is irrelevant to the meaning, of course).

Several months after my daughter's death, I had a similar epiphany. Someone sent me a poem (I am not an atheist. I'm Christian). The gist of the poem consisted of God speaking to a parent who would inevitably lose the child they were being sent. God asked (paraphrasing because my memory is totally shot) "Will you take care of her for me whether her time on earth is one of two years or twenty-two or three? There are things this child must know that only you can teach? But soon she must go beyond your loving reach." The poem's arrival coincided with a visit from the school social worker who had collected some things my daughter had left at school. The social worker sat on my sofa and gave me the biggest compliment I think I've ever received. She said, "I didn't know Amanda (my daughter) very well, but over the weeks since her death I feel like I've come to know her. You know, Willie(my real name. Don't ask. It's a long family story as to how I got that name), God loves everybody, but he must have really liked you to have given you Amanda." Talk about providence stepping in!
 

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Dear Moonfish,
Bless you and please accept my deepest sympathies on your loss. May I ask: are you surrounded by friends/family? The advice I see here seems excellent, and I too wonder if you could get an extension on the grant...but more importantly, please don't think that writing is a waste of time or would somehow demean the memories of losing someone you love. Please take time for yourself, no matter what you decide. You can always journal, privately, no matter what you decide. Just make sure you allow yourself some connection to the outside world, just so people can check in on you. My prayers are with you at this difficult time. It is good to know your writer friends care.
Most sincerely,
Writer Friend
 
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