Okay, I am going to critique KimJo's piece below.
Please take my critique for what it's worth, take from it anything you think might help, and leave any suggestions you dislike. I thought the piece was really good, and there are only a few changes I thought you might want to consider.
Dark Destiny climax scene 689 words
You should not have come here, Blake.
“I wondered when you’d show up,” I muttered.
I think you should stick more to just "said". it almost reads as if you are avoiding the word, since you use told, replied, etc. so often. Not a problem every now and then, but if it's throughout the whole novel, it could get distracting.
You should not be here, the darkness repeated.
“I’m here because Faith’s here,” I replied.
She was to come alone.
“Blake isn’t here to help me,” Faith said. “Only to make sure I do what I’m here for.”
You will fail.
“Arrogant,” I told it. “Isn’t that what you always accuse me of being?”
When she has lost, I will send you back. You will watch as I take your friends.
“If Faith loses, I’ll keep fighting you. If you try to take my friends, it won’t be easy. I’ll fight you until there’s nothing left of either of us. Anyway, Faith will win.”
She has never been strong enough before. Always, she has only watched.
“Always, she has helped us,” I replied. “Every time she’s come with one of us through the portal, you’ve lost. This is the last time. This is when you lose for good.”
You should not have come here, it told me again.
You will cause her to lose.
A second too late, I realized what it meant.
You might want to consider leaving this first sentence off. Just my opinion, but I think it might have more of an effect. You tell later what it meant, and it is already obvious that it is too late, so all this sentence does is make the reader wonder what you are talking about, which distracts some from what is actually going on. And then the full force of the darkness’s power hit me. I had blocked my mind, but it tore through my block, shredding my mind, laying every part of my being open for anyone to see. “No!” Faith shouted. “Leave him alone! I’m the one-”
By attacking me, the darkness hoped to upset Faith enough that she couldn’t focus. It knew that she loved me, and was using that love against her. I wasn’t going to let it happen. The pain in my mind was excruciating, but somehow, I managed to focus, to reach a small part of my mind into the darkness’s, and began to draw its power as it was drawing mine. “Faith, now,” I said.
I think this should be written different. It doesn't get across any kind of urgency as it is. You could consider doing something like "Faith! Now!" I tried to yell to her, but it barely came out above a whisper. She heard me, though, and...
I was barely able to speak above a whisper, but Faith heard, and I sensed her pulling herself together for the battle. Briefly, her mind touched mine as she entered the darkness’s mind through the opening I had made. I pulled back, allowing her to force her way further into the darkness.
Before, in the darkness’s world, I had caught glimpses of Faith’s aura. Seeing auras was Topher’s ability, not mine, but in the world of the darkness, anything was possible. Now, her aura grew brighter, until I could barely see Faith for the light that shone from her. The darkness released my mind, and I collapsed to what
what was it? what did it feel like? obviously different than normal ground, but how?passed for the ground here.
Before me, light met darkness. The black aura of the darkness briefly eclipsed Faith, but she fought back, reaching into herself to draw on the strength that had always been there, but which she had been unable to use until now. Her light blazed still more brightly, but still the darkness battled her. It and Faith were evenly matched; I could almost see the division where its darkness met her light, exactly between them. It could not defeat Faith, but neither could she defeat it.
My ears were filled with a roaring
that I could not find the origin of I would leave this phrase out. this phrase makes it sound like you searched for the origin of the roaring, and my eyes ached from looking at Faith’s light. But I couldn’t look away; I had to know which of them would win. It looked as though the battle would end this way, neither of them able to defeat the other. And then I knew what I had to do.
“Faith!” Calling to her, I reached out my hand. I sensed her hesitation, then she took it and reached into my mind, drawing on my strength to increase her own. I didn’t know whether this was allowed; Faith had said she had to fight this battle alone. But I knew somehow that without me, she would be unable to do what she had been sent here for. As I shared my power with her, her aura became so bright I had to close my eyes against it, and even then, it was blinding.
suggestion: I knew now that the roaring I heard was the darkness's pain and fury, and it just got louder as Faith's...Now the roaring I heard was the darkness’s pain and fury, as Faith’s light eclipsed it entirely.
Then the light was gone, and there was silence.
Great story, from what I can tell from this excerpt. Thank you for letting me crit it.
For the next person who comes to crit, my piece is on page 2, #46. Please be gentle.