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TerzaRima
03-07-2008, 06:29 AM
Dear coworkers,

I used to think all of you were basically compos mentis. What has happened?

Namely, why do you insist on deluging me with emails claiming that:

-You can summon the police from at ATM by entering your PIN number backwards

-Sheryl Crow got breast cancer after drinking from plastic bottles that she had left in her hot car

-Starbucks refuses to send coffee to GIs in Iraq

-One can contract a festering breast infection by wearing bras made in South America (appetizing JPEGS included, thanks ever so much)

WTF is wrong with you people that you are so credulous?

Williebee
03-07-2008, 06:32 AM
I send you back, now, to my favorite email soapbox. (http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf)

Ziljon
03-07-2008, 06:36 AM
Don't forget the dreadful dangers of answering you cell phone while it's charging!

Soccer Mom
03-07-2008, 08:00 AM
Or talking on your cell phone while getting gas.

Or serial killers that play tapes of babies crying outside your window to get you to open up.

Williebee
03-07-2008, 08:18 AM
Or serial killers that play tapes of babies crying outside your window to get you to open up.

No, that one is true. And you should see how upset they get after they let me in and I take the ax to their Frosted Flakes.

Soccer Mom
03-07-2008, 08:21 AM
And PA will give my book the chance it deserves. Don't forget that one.

Rolling Thunder
03-07-2008, 08:35 AM
If you cut Haggis open, you'll find gold coins inside...

DWSTXS
03-07-2008, 08:36 AM
and that some random prince has millions in his backasswards country's bank and he needs YOUR help in getting it out. or somesuch

Soccer Mom
03-07-2008, 08:40 AM
If you cut Haggis open, you'll find gold coins inside...


That one isn't true? :hides knife: I knew I should've checked Snopes first.

Unique
03-07-2008, 06:30 PM
I hate chain emails - period. Even the fluffy bunny ones that say, 'I'm thinking of you today.'

Can't you just copy/paste 'I'm thinking of you today' if your typing skills aren't great? And there is such a thing as a blind cc so my email doesn't go all around the world.

sigh. I just block the address if they don't cease and desist.

Life is too short to open chain emails.

LadyVonFright
03-07-2008, 07:20 PM
This pretty much sums up how I feel about them. I don't know if it is from Dennis Leary for sure, but it's still funny.

by Dennis Leary (language slightly cleaned up)

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bull.
So basically, this message is a big SCREW YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Screw them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :)
Hope you made a great wish :)
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true!
Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!!
Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2:

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats.
This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3:

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad jerks with nothing better to do.
So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side, A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...* no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.
------------------------------------------------------
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll have to look at me naked!

Jaycinth
03-07-2008, 08:26 PM
I particularly dislike the chain-e-mails that first tell you that you will die and go straight to hell if you don't read it....but also, once you've read it, tell you you will die and go straight to hell if you do not forward it within 14 seconds to 'at least 30 of your closest friends'

Note: If you are goiong to send me to hell, don't send me there straight. What's the point?

At least give me a spliff and a bottle of rum to tune myself up with before I go in for the final audit!

Straight, indeed!

Unique
03-07-2008, 11:35 PM
:roll:prrrfukt - are you sure Jaycinth didn't write that?

Some of those phrases suspiciously Jaycinth-like.

Oh, hi Jay!:hi:I didn't see you lurking over there....

{eeps}

Stew21
03-07-2008, 11:45 PM
speaking of denis leary: (extreme language warning)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAVoQfoU0dQ

Shadow_Ferret
03-08-2008, 02:09 AM
Or talking on your cell phone while getting gas.
Actually, that one is true.



Manufacturers have said there is a risk
It's always tempting to dismiss "pass it on" rumors as bunk, but the fact is that mobile phone manufacturers have warned consumers in the past against using the devices near gas pumps. This is an excerpt from a Motorola brochure for the Satellite Series 9500 Portable Telephone:
[T]his telephone has not been designed or approved for use in potentially explosive atmospheres. Areas with a potentially explosive atmosphere are often, not always, clearly marked. Potentially explosive atmospheres include:
Fueling areas such as gasoline stations
Below deck on boats
Fuel or chemical transfer or storage facilities
Vehicles using liquefied petroleum gas such as propane
Areas where the air contains chemicals or particles such as grain dust or metal powders and
Any other area where you would normally be advised to turn off your engine.
Sparks in such area would cause an explosion or fire resulting in bodily injury or even death.

xhouseboy
03-08-2008, 05:24 AM
Or that you shouldn't go looking for a gas leak in a dark cupboard with a naked flame.

robeiae
03-08-2008, 05:31 AM
Armageddon (http://www.stickam.com/editMediaComment.do?method=load&mId=174664282).

BarbJ
03-08-2008, 05:35 AM
Or serial killers that play tapes of babies crying outside your window to get you to open up.

Happened to someone I know; the potential rapist/thief/whatever bad guy had probably heard the story and decided it was worth a try. My friend had also heard it, however, and went out with a baseball bat. Kudos to her for courage, but she swung too hard, hit the house and hurt her wrist (and the stucco) while the guy high-tailed it into the sunset. While yelling, ironically enough, "You're crazy, bitch!"

The police seemed rather surprised she would suspect a potential rapist/thief/whatever and still go outside, armed or not. I told her the bad guy was probably right on the crazy issue.Truth can be stranger than fiction, especially when it's following fiction.

So what, exactly, does one get for cutting open Haggis?

Captain Scarf
03-08-2008, 05:45 AM
Or that America won her independence from Britain :)

(I'm sure that's a myth - everyone knows that British Americaland is being run from a small office in Swansea)

Sonneillon
03-08-2008, 06:13 AM
Or that America won her independence from Britain :)

(I'm sure that's a myth - everyone knows that British Americaland is being run from a small office in Swansea)

Cut it out. We on this side of the pond prefer to keep our delusions, thank you.

Komnena
03-08-2008, 07:15 AM
Every time you use your Borders bucks an author gets their wings.