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KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 10:05 AM
I would be the most hardcore of all the agents in the universe. All that time I devote to writing? The seclusion? The love? The vigor? That would be how I would agent.

First. I would have an assistant to do my grocery shopping, dangle toys in front of the kitty cat, and perhaps remind me to shower.

I would read every single query myself and write, personally, why I was rejecting them. I would say that I am always available for other projects and to hang in there. I would also include a hello kitty sticker free of charge.

For partials and fulls, I would read every word--or else, if the writing was intolerable, I would read just enough to realize the writer's pattern of error. I would respond with detailed notes. I would say "This needs to be revised" or "I would scrap this, take a few writing courses, and I'll be here if you decide to try again."

For partials and fulls I decided to rep, I would respond in a timely manner. I would say I understand the cost of ink, and I promise this will be worth it, and while you wait, here's a hello kitty sticker.

And I would always say "I, Lauren, know how you feel."

I'm just saying.


ETA: Okay people, calm down. :) Inhale. Calm. Exhale. Look at me. Caaaalm dooown. It's just a silly and ficticious post. There's no reason for anyone to take offense. Did I say that agents suck? Did I say they don't work hard? Did I say I would like to pee on the doorstep of one and then harass them for weeks with obscene phone calls? No. I said that if *I* were one... and then proceeded with a list of outrageously impossible things that would still be lovely if they were plausible. There is no need to shake your fist and angrily declare "but that's preposterous!" and "You are not being fair to agents!" and what the heck "Free Willy!"

Sheesh people. I know agents can't do the things I just listed. That's why it's a silly little thread in a forum. I wrote it to calm myself down and perhaps smile for a little bit after a colossaly bad day. And I seem to have made a few other people smile too. So take your sticker and chillax :) There is no need to critique it like a vital piece of literature.

ETA #2: Also, I would have a cape of some sort. And possibly fight crime.

Birol
02-29-2008, 10:17 AM
Getting form rejections, huh? I also take it that you've yet to see the pictures (http://www.sfrevu.com/ISSUES/2002/0208/Event%20-%20Tor/20020416%20Tor-NYC%20050.jpg) of Tor's slush (http://www.sfrevu.com/ISSUES/2002/0208/Event%20-%20Tor/20020416%20Tor-NYC%20059.jpg) pile (http://www.sfrevu.com/ISSUES/2002/0208/Event%20-%20Tor/20020416%20Tor-NYC%20053.jpg).

writermom
02-29-2008, 12:20 PM
Getting form rejections, huh?

Birol, you always make me laugh.


Cheer up, Tomothecat. Keep working at it.

Devil Ledbetter
02-29-2008, 03:59 PM
If you're going to be an agent, you must start a blog about how important you are, and how busy busy busy, and how you just don't have time what with those two-hour lunches eating up a big part of your day. You could post blog entries that insult writers, then watch with amusement as they affix their lips to your fundament and tell you how grand you are, and offer sympathy for your terrible plight, and attempt to crack lame inside jokes in hopes you'll fondly remember them when they send you their queries, which they'll fall all over themselves thanking you for rejecting because it was a life-changing learning experience for them.

ETA: You must also allow slush pile entries to build up for years, stack them high, then post pictures of yourself NOT reading them to prove how horribly overworked you are.

KTC
02-29-2008, 04:01 PM
David. You have a rep comment. hehe.


If I were an agent, I'd sell myself.

cletus
02-29-2008, 04:02 PM
Tomothecat, I'd submit to you just for the Hello Kitty stickers.

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 04:11 PM
Even better. I got my OWN query sent back with "thanks, not for us" written on it.


Getting form rejections, huh?

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 04:13 PM
Nice.

You know, I firmly believe that you can tell whether or not a story has any potential, and whether the writer has any talent, by the end of the FIRST paragraph. How long can it take to read a hundred first paragraphs a day?


If you're going to be an agent, you must start a blog about how important you are, and how busy busy busy, and how you just don't have time what with those two-hour lunches eating up a big part of your day. You could post blog entries that insult writers, then watch with amusement as they affix their lips to your fundament and tell you how grand you are, and offer sympathy for your terrible plight, and attempt to crack lame inside jokes in hopes you'll fondly remember them when they send you their queries, which they'll fall all over themselves thanking you for rejecting because it was a life-changing learning experience for them.

ETA: You must also allow slush pile entries to build up for years, stack them high, then post pictures of yourself NOT reading them to prove how horribly overworked you are.

KTC
02-29-2008, 04:16 PM
Hello, people. Being an agent is probably excrutiatingly hard. I bet there are a TON of first paragraphs that show potential and entice the agent to read on...only to find the writing gets worse. They probably read more than a paragraph. They could probably tell really bad writing in the first paragraph...those ones would make it easier, but the degrees of good would be harder. I for one would not want to be an agent.

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 04:24 PM
I could never be an agent because I don't know my face from my elbow when it comes to negotiating sales, contracts, selling pitches to publishers. And math? Forget it.

But if I were an agent, I'd read a fair share of everything. Even if it took a week to get through one day's mail.


Hello, people. Being an agent is probably excrutiatingly hard. I bet there are a TON of first paragraphs that show potential and entice the agent to read on...only to find the writing gets worse. They probably read more than a paragraph. They could probably tell really bad writing in the first paragraph...those ones would make it easier, but the degrees of good would be harder. I for one would not want to be an agent.

Devil Ledbetter
02-29-2008, 04:29 PM
I don't want to be an agent. I want to be a writer.

I wonder how many agents wanted to be writers?

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 04:46 PM
There was some quote in The First Five Pages, I can't remember it word-for-word, but it was something like "Journalists assigned to review a book will be especially hard. Why? Don't think for a moment that journalist hasn't more than once dreamed of being more than a journalist."


I don't want to be an agent. I want to be a writer.

I wonder how many agents wanted to be writers?

bubbagringo
02-29-2008, 05:17 PM
I wonder how many agents wanted to be writers?

my bet would be all of them...

KTC
02-29-2008, 05:23 PM
My bet would be the opposite. Some people realize they are better at knowing what is good than they are at knowing how to make good. I make a far better reader than a writer. And a far better appreciater of music than a maker of it. I think some agents are there because they maybe tried the writer thing then discovered they are better at appreciating and knowing what is good.

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 05:33 PM
KTC - It doesn't matter. I would be the most dedicated agent ever. And everyone would get hello kitty stickers. Even boys.

Maryn
02-29-2008, 05:38 PM
But if I were an agent, I'd read a fair share of everything. Even if it took a week to get through one day's mail.Math's not my strong suit, but mail is delivered six days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. So one year's mail will take you three hundred and twelve weeks--six years--to clear. During those six years, new mail will continue to arrive...

Maryn, who has received back her own query letter or page one with a rubber-stamped NOT FOR US more than once

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 06:07 PM
Have no fear, kind writerly person. For I would be the greatest agent ever, and would possess super speed-reading abilities and would require as much sleep as Danielle Steele apparently does.


Math's not my strong suit, but mail is delivered six days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. So one year's mail will take you three hundred and twelve weeks--six years--to clear. During those six years, new mail will continue to arrive...

Birol
02-29-2008, 07:26 PM
Even better. I got my OWN query sent back with "thanks, not for us" written on it.

Yes. And? You received a response. Really, that's all you needed.


Nice.

You know, I firmly believe that you can tell whether or not a story has any potential, and whether the writer has any talent, by the end of the FIRST paragraph. How long can it take to read a hundred first paragraphs a day?

Quite a long time, actually. Especially since that's not all the agents do and, most importantly, reading submissions is not their primary responsibility. Representing their current clients is their primary responsibility.

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 07:30 PM
Doesn't matter. I'd speed read. I'd read faster than any reader who's ever read a reading. Free stickers with every submission!





Quite a long time, actually. Especially since that's not all the agents do and, most importantly, reading submissions is not their primary responsibility. Representing their current clients is their primary responsibility.

Toothpaste
02-29-2008, 07:43 PM
Considering today is the last day on the job for my agent, and I will miss her terribly, I have to say that this thread annoys me just a bit. Birol and KTC have attempted to defend the honour of agents, and I know there is a jokey tone to this thread (except for the Hello Kitty stickers, there is nothing more serious than Hello Kitty stickers), but I have to say this sense that people think agents are doing the least they can do is just a bit odd to me.

As both Birol and KTC have already said, agents are doing far more than just reading submissions. And while a personal response with advice to every single query would be lovely, if they had the time, I don't think some people here realise what crazies are out there. Tomo, you are not one of the crazies, so you assume agents are reading submissions equal to your own in sanity. If you got a response from an agent with advice you would be grateful and move on.

However.

Other agents, who have done just that, find themselves suddenly engaged in a dialogue. Sometimes the author wants clarification on the advice. Sometimes the author berates the agent for not understanding his genius. To write a personal comment to an author is a risk, and one that often ends badly for the agent. I can understand why they tend to send form letters instead (especially for queries).

You also imply that reading 100 pages a day is easy. What you seem to forget is that an agent's day is usually filled up with, you know, agenting. Meeting editors, reviewing contracts, working with their existing authors on their MSs. Surely when you get an agent, you would want her to focus on you before she focussed on incoming queries?

Look, I know this thread is in good fun, but it does perpetuate some sort of myth that agents are lazy and mean. The agents I have met in person are some of the nicest, and most well read people. They also work ridiculous hours. They are in the office before nine, leave around six or seven, and then go home and read MSs. They do all this because they are passionate about books.

Okay, just had to get serious for a moment. Can I still get a Hello Kitty sticker?

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 07:46 PM
Toothpaste-
No need to take offense :) I'm sure they have a very tough job. Think of this thread as someone making fun of a doctor for always running late. We know doctors work hard too. It's meant to cheer me (and whoever else appeciates my lame humor) up a bit.

So here's your sticker. Simmer. Simmer I say.

Birol
02-29-2008, 07:59 PM
Thing is, I'm with Toothpaste. I don't find it humorous. I know it's meant to be, but I find the thread mostly annoying. It strikes me as one more thread by a new writer whining about the system. Yes, we all get discouraged from time to time and need to vent, but this thread has an egocentric quality about it that makes me want to grind my teeth. It screams, "It's all about me, me, me."

Nothing in this industry is all about the writer, no matter how much the writer wants it to be.

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 08:02 PM
It's my thread and it can be all about me me me if I want it to.



Yes, we all get discouraged from time to time and need to vent, but this thread has an egocentric quality about it that makes me want to grind my teeth. It screams, "It's all about me, me, me."

Nothing in this industry is all about the writer, no matter how much the writer wants it to be.

Birol
02-29-2008, 08:05 PM
Which makes me wish I hadn't asked Silver King to move this thread back to Roundtable from OP.

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 08:07 PM
Don't know what to tell you. Writing this cheered me up after a crappy day, and I'm not sorry I did it.


Which makes me wish I hadn't asked Silver King to move this thread back to Roundtable from OP.

Birol
02-29-2008, 08:10 PM
Alrighty then. It's not that fun isn't allowed in Roundtable, but it seems I should have trust my instincts about this thread.

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 08:12 PM
Here. Have a sticker. It has kitty. Is good for soul.


Alrighty then. It's not that fun isn't allowed in Roundtable, but it seems I should have trust my instincts about this thread.

czjaba
02-29-2008, 08:21 PM
Can I have a sticker, too? :D

ishtar'sgate
02-29-2008, 08:22 PM
Look, I know this thread is in good fun, but it does perpetuate some sort of myth that agents are lazy and mean.
Oh, I think it's simply some old fashioned frustrated venting. Vent away. I'm sure agents are used to being vilified just as good lawyers are used to being labelled as sharks and bottom feeders and good doctors are used to being labelled as quacks and butchers. I think you pretty much need to get through the whole process at least once before you can calm down and take things as they come. Impatience and anxiety make us all a bit cranky.
Linnea

Soccer Mom
02-29-2008, 08:31 PM
http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/2/29/dozeursases128487763822812500.jpg

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 08:47 PM
*sticks with sticky sticker*


Can I have a sticker, too? :D

Silver King
02-29-2008, 08:48 PM
Your thread is welcome in this forum, Tom. But please keep in mind that most folks here don't mind a little teasing now and then, as long as it comes across as good-natured fun and is not meant to insult anyone.

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 08:48 PM
Thank you :) I was just trying to be cheerful and silly. Nobody gets my silly... *crawls under a rock* ThisiswhyIwriteinstead.



Oh, I think it's simply some old fashioned frustrated venting. Vent away. I'm sure agents are used to being vilified just as good lawyers are used to being labelled as sharks and bottom feeders and good doctors are used to being labelled as quacks and butchers. I think you pretty much need to get through the whole process at least once before you can calm down and take things as they come. Impatience and anxiety make us all a bit cranky.
Linnea

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 08:56 PM
I didn't think I was being insulting?


Your thread is welcome in this forum, Tom. But please keep in mind that most folks here don't mind a little teasing now and then, as long as it comes across as good-natured fun and is not meant to insult anyone.

Silver King
02-29-2008, 09:12 PM
I didn't think I was being insulting?
I didn't say you were but wanted to make sure you understood there's a line that's easily crossed when we are caught up in the heat of discussions.

You can go back to bashing agents now. ;)

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 09:16 PM
I have perhaps more hello kitty stickers than agents have submission. Seriously, I own more stickers than a grown woman ever should. They flow out of my desk drawers. The paperclips and pens are homeless.



Tomothecat, I'd submit to you just for the Hello Kitty stickers.

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 09:17 PM
I have an extra inflatable comically-oversized mallet. Here you can have the green one.



I didn't say you were but wanted to make sure you understood there's a line that's easily crossed when we are caught up in the heat of discussions.

You can go back to bashing agents now. ;)

Toothpaste
02-29-2008, 09:19 PM
ETA: Okay people, calm down. :) Inhale. Calm. Exhale. Look at me. Caaaalm dooown. It's just a silly and ficticious post. There's no reason for anyone to take offense. Did I say that agents suck? Did I say they don't work hard? Did I say I would like to pee on the doorstep of one and then harass them for weeks with obscene phone calls? No. I said that if *I* were one... and then proceeded with a list of outrageously impossible things that would still be lovely if they were plausible. And people are responding with things like "but that's preposterous!" and "You are not being fair to agents!"

Sheesh people. I know agents can't do the things I just listed. That's why it's a silly little thread in a forum. I wrote it to calm myself down and perhaps smile for a little bit after a colossaly bad day. And I seem to have made a few other people smile too. So take your sticker and chillax :) There is no need to critique it like a vital piece of literature.

I don't really like being told to "chillax", to be told how I am supposed to read and interpret a post. I was responding to your words, and your words did not come across as a joke (except for the Hello Kitty part). I do not think my response was me getting uppity or anything. To me you were being slightly offensive towards agents, and I wanted to explain why I thought what you posted was a bit much.

The problem from the misinterpretation of your post comes from the fact that there are people out there who really DO believe that stuff, and that the things you wrote were actually exactly the sorts of things they write.

It turns out the whole thing was a joke, that you understood that the things you said were way beyond the call of duty for an agent. That was the joke, you were pretending to be an ignorant author who expected agents to do all those things for her, not actually being one of those authors.

At any rate I am sorry I reacted how I did, but please don't tell me I need to relax and get a sense of humour etc. I was responding to what appeared to be a very naive author, that is all.

Lastly I am sorry you have been having a bad day, and I am glad this thread made you feel better.

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 09:25 PM
The thing with "chillax" is that it's a suggestion. If you're being commanded to "chillax" you can't embrace the true chillaxity of the chill involved in true chillaxation because you are so pressured by having been TOLD. It's a whole vicious cycle.

You don't have to chillax. You are welcome to chill or not chill, or to dance the tootsie-wootsie (which I have never seen so call me if you ever do). But know that I really just intended this post to be regarded like a third grader's essay on why she wants to grow up to be the awesomest super hero ever. It's really the same sentiment. :)


I don't really like being told to "chillax", to be told how I am supposed to read and interpret a post. I was responding to your words, and your words did not come across as a joke (except for the Hello Kitty part). I do not think my response was me getting uppity or anything.

bluntforcetrauma
02-29-2008, 10:52 PM
Lauren. Don't let it get to you. I, for one, am very happy to see you found a way to extract a bit of happiness from your obviously tongue-in-cheek thread.

Rick, who will obey the 'chillax' command and collect my Hello Kitty stickers.

ps- Lauren's a good egg. Lighten up, people, or you'll get no stickers. Pinky promise.

Devil Ledbetter
03-01-2008, 01:32 AM
I didn't think I was being insulting?I thought it was all in fun, Tomo. Reading a few of the critical posts here, I actually double checked to make sure this thread was in Office Party.

CaroGirl
03-01-2008, 01:34 AM
I thought it was all in fun, Tomo. Reading a few of the critical posts here, I actually double checked to make sure this thread was in Office Party.
Well, it was in OP. And then it wasn't. And then it was. I got whiplash trying to keep up with it.

Now that it's here for good... (o)(o)

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 01:36 AM
Office party, Caro. Not spring break. Sheesh.



Now that it's here for good... (o)(o)

CaroGirl
03-01-2008, 01:37 AM
Office party, Caro. Not spring break. Sheesh.
Sorry. I saw them in the window and just had to have them.

Stew21
03-01-2008, 01:37 AM
Tomo - if you were an agent, you probably would have rejected me too.


Trish, considers her self one less rejection down, thanks to you!


:)

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 01:38 AM
Maybe. But don't feel bad. There's a good chance I'd reject me too. You'd still get a sticker.


Tomo - if you were an agent, you probably would have rejected me too.


Trish, considers her self one less rejection down, thanks to you!


:)

Devil Ledbetter
03-01-2008, 01:40 AM
Well, it was in OP. And then it wasn't. And then it was. I got whiplash trying to keep up with it.

Now that it's here for good... (o)(o)Thanks, Caro. I feel much better knowing that. This morning before I left for work, I posted on this thread in OP. I just got home from work and checked it, "still" in OP but it's got all these "don't insult agents" posts. Now that I know it spent time in Roundtable, this makes a heckuva lot more sense.

Whew.

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 01:43 AM
Caro gave me an idea though. Next time I want to assure my thread stays in OP, I will add boobs.


Thanks, Caro. I feel much better knowing that. This morning before I left for work, I posted on this thread in OP. I just got home from work and checked it, "still" in OP but it's got all these "don't insult agents" posts. Now that I know it spent time in Roundtable, this makes a heckuva lot more sense.

Whew.

CaroGirl
03-01-2008, 01:55 AM
Caro gave me an idea though. Next time I want to assure my thread stays in OP, I will add boobs.
Or perhaps some ass.

(_ _)

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 01:57 AM
(_Y_)



Or perhaps some ass.

(_ _)

Birol
03-01-2008, 02:23 AM
Well, it was in OP. And then it wasn't. And then it was. I got whiplash trying to keep up with it.

Now that it's here for good... (o)(o)


Thanks, Caro. I feel much better knowing that. This morning before I left for work, I posted on this thread in OP. I just got home from work and checked it, "still" in OP but it's got all these "don't insult agents" posts. Now that I know it spent time in Roundtable, this makes a heckuva lot more sense.

Whew.

It started in Roundtable. Hence the reason many of the earlier posters felt Tomo was being serious.

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 02:25 AM
If that's true, then I did that by accident because I thought I was putting it into OP. It was still very early when I typed this up. I'm allergic to morning.


It started in Roundtable. Hence the reason many of the earlier posters felt Tomo was being serious.

Devil Ledbetter
03-01-2008, 02:26 AM
It started in Roundtable. Hence the reason many of the earlier posters felt Tomo was being serious.When I posted on it this morning, it was in OP, wasn't it? Because I would not have intentionally posted my send up of agent blogs and the writers who suck up to them in Roundtable.

DWSTXS
03-01-2008, 02:26 AM
I would be the most hardcore of all the agents in the universe. All that time I devote to writing? The seclusion? The love? The vigor? That would be how I would agent.

First. I would have an assistant to do my grocery shopping, dangle toys in front of the kitty cat, and perhaps remind me to shower.

I would read every single query myself and write, personally, why I was rejecting them. I would say that I am always available for other projects and to hang in there. I would also include a hello kitty sticker free of charge.

For partials and fulls, I would read every word--or else, if the writing was intolerable, I would read just enough to realize the writer's pattern of error. I would respond with detailed notes. I would say "This needs to be revised" or "I would scrap this, take a few writing courses, and I'll be here if you decide to try again."

For partials and fulls I decided to rep, I would respond in a timely manner. I would say I understand the cost of ink, and I promise this will be worth it, and while you wait, here's a hello kitty sticker.

And I would always say "I, Lauren, know how you feel."

I'm just saying.


ETA: Okay people, calm down. :) Inhale. Calm. Exhale. Look at me. Caaaalm dooown. It's just a silly and ficticious post. There's no reason for anyone to take offense. Did I say that agents suck? Did I say they don't work hard? Did I say I would like to pee on the doorstep of one and then harass them for weeks with obscene phone calls? No. I said that if *I* were one... and then proceeded with a list of outrageously impossible things that would still be lovely if they were plausible. There is no need to shake your fist and angrily declare "but that's preposterous!" and "You are not being fair to agents!" and what the heck "Free Willy!"

Sheesh people. I know agents can't do the things I just listed. That's why it's a silly little thread in a forum. I wrote it to calm myself down and perhaps smile for a little bit after a colossaly bad day. And I seem to have made a few other people smile too. So take your sticker and chillax :) There is no need to critique it like a vital piece of literature.

ETA #2: Also, I would have a cape of some sort. And possibly fight crime.

All I want is two free 'Hello Kitty' stickers to stick on my kitties heads. Hello Munchie and Millie.

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 02:28 AM
I'll give EVERYONE a frickin sticker to stop being serious in my thread. It's hurting my brain. :( This am happy thread.


All I want is two free 'Hello Kitty' stickers to stick on my kitties heads. Hello Munchie and Millie.

DWSTXS
03-01-2008, 02:34 AM
I'll give EVERYONE a frickin sticker to stop being serious in my thread. It's hurting my brain. :( This am happy thread.

Your first thread sounded suspiciously like a trial advertisement of your services as an editor/proofreader/writing coach.

Maybe every on AW should send you their first drafts.
LOL

How's that for some comedy?

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 02:35 AM
I'm confused myself. Didn't you say, earlier in this thread, you were sorry you had it moved to roundtable?


It started in Roundtable. Hence the reason many of the earlier posters felt Tomo was being serious.

Devil Ledbetter
03-01-2008, 02:41 AM
Tomo, when you do your agent blog, you must also declare certain things in writing annoy you, or are overdone, cliche or obsolete. These must be completely random things, like:

Please, don't send me any stories that use apostrophes anywhere in the text. I hate apostrophes! They make me sneeze.

Sentences should have no independent clauses, people. Why do writers insist on using this passe construction?

I'm really sick of getting queries on white paper.

No more verbs! A story should have a maximum of two verbs. Three, if it's over 250,000 words.

I won't read your story if their is a dog in it, or a fish, or a trash collector or a two-story house. These things have been done to death, people! Also, if your protagonist has brown eyes or is named Bill, don't even bother sending it to me.

Once you make this post, I guarantee you at least four of the writers will leave an attempt-at-wit comment that says, "Oh, golly darn! I was just about to query you with my 250,000-word story about a brown eyed fish-dog trash collector named Bill who lives in a two story house."

DWSTXS
03-01-2008, 02:45 AM
Tomo, when you do your agent blog, you must also declare certain things in writing annoy you, or are overdone, cliche or obsolete. These must be completely random things, like:

Please, don't send me any stories that use apostrophes anywhere in the text. I hate apostrophes! They make me sneeze.

Sentences should have no independent clauses, people. Why do writers insist on using this passe construction?

I'm really sick of getting queries on white paper.

No more verbs! A story should have a maximum of two verbs. Three, if it's over 250,000 words.

I won't read your story if their is a dog in it, or a fish, or a trash collector or a two-story house. These things have been done to death, people! Also, if your protagonist has brown eyes or is named Bill, don't even bother sending it to me.

Once you make this post, I guarantee you at least four of the writers will leave an attempt-at-wit comment that says, "Oh, golly darn! I was just about to query you with my 250,000-word story about a brown eyed fish-dog trash collector named Bill who lives in a two story house."


That's genius.

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 02:45 AM
Better yet, I think I'll register with every writer's forum under an assumed name, and post things like:

I just sent my query to Lauren. She returned it because there were no coffee stains on the page.

This agent is particularly interested in literary fiction told in the first-person narrative of farm animals.

In lieu of a rejection, this agent will TP your house.

And occasionally I'll respond to queries with a hand-written note on worn, dirty paper "They have me. Help."



Tomo, when you do your agent blog, you must also declare certain things in writing annoy you, or are overdone, cliche or obsolete. These must be completely random things, like:

Please, don't send me any stories that use apostrophes anywhere in the text. I hate apostrophes! They make me sneeze.

Sentences should have no independent clauses, people. Why do writers insist on using this passe construction?

I'm really sick of getting queries on white paper.

No more verbs! A story should have a maximum of two verbs. Three, if it's over 250,000 words.

I won't read your story if their is a dog in it, or a fish, or a trash collector or a two-story house. These things have been done to death, people! Also, if your protagonist has brown eyes or is named Bill, don't even bother sending it to me.

Once you make this post, I guarantee you at least four of the writers will leave an attempt-at-wit comment that says, "Oh, golly darn! I was just about to query you with my 250,000-word story about a brown eyed fish-dog trash collector named Bill who lives in a two story house."

Birol
03-01-2008, 02:53 AM
The original thread, beginning with the unedited first post (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2108050&postcount=1), was made in Roundtable.
I responded (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2108073&postcount=2). Looked at the thread for awhile. Was annoyed, decided I didn't want to deal with what appeared to be another thread started by someone's ego and inadequate understanding of what an agent does and moved it to Office Party.
More discussion ensued (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=94352). I watched. Felt bad for my lack of patience. Due to some of the serious posts, I asked Silver King if I could have the thread back in Roundtable.
Back in Roundtable, I attempted to explain the perspective (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2109000&postcount=22) of some of the other participants in the thread, in order to get it back on track.
I received a smart aleck response (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2109016&postcount=23) for my trouble and realized my earlier instincts were correct about the nature of this thread, so I moved it back to Office Party.
What's happened is, we almost have two different threads and conversations occupying the same space simultaneously.

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 02:55 AM
Well, honestly it sounds like you wasted a lot of energy being upset about this thread. I posted an ETA so hopefully it can go back to being fun. There are thousands of posts on this forum; they can't all please everybody.



The original thread, beginning with the unedited first post (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2108050&postcount=1), was made in Roundtable.
I responded (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2108073&postcount=2). Looked at the thread for awhile. Was annoyed, decided I didn't want to deal with what appeared to be another thread started by someone's ego and inadequate understanding of what an agent does and moved it to Office Party.
More discussion ensued (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=94352). I watched. Felt bad for my lack of patience. Due to some of the serious posts, I asked Silver King if I could have the thread back in Roundtable.
Back in Roundtable, I attempted to explain the perspective (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2109000&postcount=22) of some of the other participants in the thread, in order to get it back on track.
I received a smart aleck response (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2109016&postcount=23) for my trouble and realized my earlier instincts were correct about the nature of this thread, so I moved it back to Office Party.
What's happened is, we almost have two different threads and conversations occupying the same space simultaneously.

Cranky
03-01-2008, 02:56 AM
What's happened is, we almost have two different threads and conversations occupying the same space simultaneously.


http://re3.yt-thm-a04.yimg.com/image/25/f11/121442707

Sorry, Birol. Couldn't resist.

Birol
03-01-2008, 03:00 AM
Well, honestly it sounds like you wasted a lot of energy being upset about this thread. I posted an ETA so hopefully it can go back to being fun. There are thousands of posts on this forum; they can't all please everybody.

:rolleyes:

Okay.

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 03:01 AM
Would you like a sticker now?


:rolleyes:

Okay.

davids
03-01-2008, 03:02 AM
I think I will become an agent! After all I am incredibly connected-wealthy-no worries about rent-can open in New York-L A-Moose Jaw-have a bright partner who I am already doing great business with who is an editor and successful and as I said freaking brilliant-I like it when my eyes bleed-and you all think I am kidding but you know what maybe I am not!!! After all I do not need the bread-I know I know then I would not be hungry you are all thinking-but-I do not normally use commas and I am nomally morally a decent kind of man-so yes, I think I will. I am very fond of Birol by the way! We do not know each other-have never writen or spoken a word to each other-but for some reason I am just incredibly sympathetic to the name of Lori-it is beautiful-so therefore I am fond of Birol-plus she tries so hard and her fingys bleed and it is not fair-I am not kidding-I think she is terrific and being a mod has nothing to do with it udder than the fact that she and many are overworked and underpayed-does this have anything to do with this thread? Am I thread busting-I think I will do the agency thing!! love Dave

CaroGirl
03-01-2008, 03:10 AM
It started in Roundtable. Hence the reason many of the earlier posters felt Tomo was being serious.
I never really know what's going on.

And I would probably find davids hysterical if I could read his posts. Sadly, I think I'm davids-lexic.

Devil Ledbetter
03-01-2008, 03:11 AM
I think I will become an agent! Ooh, CrustipatedAgent.blogspot.com. I can't wait!

davids
03-01-2008, 03:12 AM
I still love Birol and CaroGirl is one of my only dream girls-you see how well I would do as an agent-nobody understands me-how much better could it be right? You guys still think I am kiddin' don't cha? If I made Birol chickle chuckle I can die happy!!!!

davids
03-01-2008, 03:13 AM
Ooh, CrustipatedAgent.blogspot.com. I can't wait!


Now there is a lady who understands-really understands-just think I may not be kidding but my eye ball thingys is bleedin'- Marje you got some eye ball thingy bandages?

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 03:23 AM
Reps


Ooh, CrustipatedAgent.blogspot.com. I can't wait!

Jongfan
03-01-2008, 03:23 AM
I think I will become an agent! After all I am incredibly connected-wealthy-no worries about rent-can open in New York-L A-Moose Jaw-have a bright partner who I am already doing great business with who is an editor and successful and as I said freaking brilliant-I like it when my eyes bleed-and you all think I am kidding but you know what maybe I am not!!! After all I do not need the bread-I know I know then I would not be hungry you are all thinking-but-I do not normally use commas and I am nomally morally a decent kind of man-so yes, I think I will. I am very fond of Birol by the way! We do not know each other-have never writen or spoken a word to each other-but for some reason I am just incredibly sympathetic to the name of Lori-it is beautiful-so therefore I am fond of Birol-plus she tries so hard and her fingys bleed and it is not fair-I am not kidding-I think she is terrific and being a mod has nothing to do with it udder than the fact that she and many are overworked and underpayed-does this have anything to do with this thread? Am I thread busting-I think I will do the agency thing!! love Dave


I can only imagine the rejection letters sent out from Davids agency.
I wonder , would they be filled with prose?

Dear Bleeding Fingy Writer,

I almost read your story but I wasn't in the moodication.
I didn't thinkipate it would throb my purple mountain majesty.
Oh well, I'm heading off to Pinky's for a hot , spicy burritos.

Better luck next time..

D & D

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 03:24 AM
It would be so awesome if I could manage to start a lighthearted thread that didn't turn into the controversial discussion of the millennium. They all get shot at. I apparently fail in my quest.


I never really know what's going on.

davids
03-01-2008, 03:28 AM
It would be so awesome if I could manage to start a lighthearted thread that didn't turn into the controversial discussion of the millennium. They all get shot at. I apparently fail in my quest.


You did? Did you perhaps miss this brilliance and rudimentary agenting?


I can only imagine the rejection letters sent out from Davids agency.
I wonder , would they be filled with prose?

Dear Bleeding Fingy Writer,

I almost read your story but I wasn't in the moodication.
I didn't thinkipate it would throb my purple mountain majesty.
Oh well, I'm heading off to Pinky's for a hot , spicy burritos.

Better luck next time..

D & D

Hell Lori is havin' fun-gigglin' deleting posts cause she spat her tea on the key board-sheesh what a grouch-ungrateful yet somehow interesting whelp! Whelp is a term of endearmentification much the same as to an elderly man-shit check out the gams on that broad!!!!

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 03:31 AM
Davids, although I get dizzy reading your posts, you make me giggle. Is there some minature form of you that I can keep in my pocket for when I am sad and need a smile?


You did? Did you perhaps miss this brilliance and rudimentary agenting?


I can only imagine the rejection letters sent out from Davids agency.
I wonder , would they be filled with prose?

Dear Bleeding Fingy Writer,

I almost read your story but I wasn't in the moodication.
I didn't thinkipate it would throb my purple mountain majesty.
Oh well, I'm heading off to Pinky's for a hot , spicy burritos.

Better luck next time..

D & D

Hell Lori is havin' fun-gigglin' deleting posts cause she spat her tea on the key board-sheesh what a grouch-ungrateful yet somehow interesting whelp! Whelp is a term of endearmentification much the same as to an elderly man-shit check out the gams on that broad!!!!

davids
03-01-2008, 03:33 AM
are you gonna query me or what? if you hang around long enough you might start to be able to missinterpretate my posts-if that happens there is medicine that may be able to ass-istipate cha!!! Chucklin' is good-the world is too full of non chuckleipatory indeyebitchyoualls!!!!

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 03:39 AM
Dear Davids:

I am seeking representation for my 90,000 word novel entitled "Moo." It's the tragic tale of a young boy devastated by a post-apocalyptic society, in which there are no more raisins, and the president is a fish who has been mutated into an honest-to-goodness centaur. It is told entirely from the perspective of a goat.

I feel that this is an important story, as it sheds light on the under-apprecification of raisins in today's society. It would be a valuable lessoneration to young children and adults alike, as there are several children within the scene, and there are some subtle sexual characteristics possessed by the centaur to keep the interest of the adults.

This manuscript is available in theatres near your imaginification. May the force be with you.

-Lauren.




are you gonna query me of what?

reigningcatsndogs
03-01-2008, 03:40 AM
allow me to introduce myself -- i am the Canadian representative for Crustagency, currently packing to move all my worldly possession to Moose Jaw, the canadian hub of publicatiosity. All queries must be submitted in our two official languages (canadian english and lobstereez) however don't bother with the SASE -- we don't lika, we burna to cut down heating costs.

Soccer Mom
03-01-2008, 03:41 AM
Dear Davids:

I am seeking representation for my 90,000 word novel entitled "Moo." It's the tragic tale of a young boy devastated by a post-apocalyptic society, in which there are no more raisins, and the president is a fish who has been mutated into an honest-to-goodness centaur. It is told entirely from the perspective of a goat.

I feel that this is an important story, as it sheds light on the under-apprecification of raisins in today's society. It would be a valuable lessoneration to young children and adults alike, as there are several children within the scene, and there are some subtle sexual characteristics possessed by the centaur to keep the interest of the adults.

This manuscript is available in theatres near your imaginification. May the force be with you.

-Lauren.



http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/do-not-want.jpg

davids
03-01-2008, 03:43 AM
Now you are sending me this and I must tell you it is indeed very interesting and most iditificatoryious-right on the pulse of the modern day raisinall detre of society-would you care to send me via-snail mail the manuscript-I am sure we can work something out-we do not charge for our services other than a marginal editing fee which is marginal editing to say the least-you do have the address do you not-I mean-um-er-hang on! Excuse me Mizz Brown do you have the address we are using at the moment? Good good, send it to this young lady via E-mail would you? she be bery promeyesan as a wrahtah!

AAHAA-I see my Moose Jaw colleague has chimed in. Might me a good idea to send her the WIP as well as she is most enlightened and eggstremely MooseJawterrian-thanking you in pay pal advances-Davids-me? no not me her-sheesh you are being silly now are not you?



You see dear heart how we are having a bit of fun and your thread is making some folks at least have a little chickle chackle-nice huh?

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 03:43 AM
Somehow, that hurt my feelings more than the real rejection letters I got...


:(


http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/do-not-want.jpg

reigningcatsndogs
03-01-2008, 03:48 AM
Dear Davids:

I am seeking representation for my 90,000 word novel entitled "Moo." It's the tragic tale of a young boy devastated by a post-apocalyptic society, in which there are no more raisins, and the president is a fish who has been mutated into an honest-to-goodness centaur. It is told entirely from the perspective of a goat.

I feel that this is an important story, as it sheds light on the under-apprecification of raisins in today's society. It would be a valuable lessoneration to young children and adults alike, as there are several children within the scene, and there are some subtle sexual characteristics possessed by the centaur to keep the interest of the adults.

This manuscript is available in theatres near your imaginification. May the force be with you.

-Lauren.


CLEAN-UP ON MONITOR ONE!!! CLEAN-UP ON MONITOR ONE!!!

http://www.tcnj.edu/~techtalk/March/v4yb_yeh%5B1%5D1.jpg

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 03:49 AM
Agent Davis thank you for axsepurating my propositional querification-I must tell you and be speaking in a seriousness way that this novel is very prolific-the magification of my wordliness is personificated by the grammatical complexities therein-I am religiously opposed to commas of any kind though I do believe in literization technifications such as questions? and exclamifactions!-now is the time for changes to todays literary persona thank you for my axceptification and have a wonderful day!


Now you are sending me this and I must tell you it is indeed very interesting and most iditificatoryious-right on the pulse of the modern day raisinall detre of society-would you care to send me via-snail mail the manuscript-I am sure we can work something out-we do not charge for our services other than a marginal editing fee which is marginal editing to say the least-you do have the address do you not-I mean-um-er-hang on! Excuse me Mizz Brown do you have the address we are using at the moment? Good good, send it to this young lady via E-mail would you? she be bery promeyesan as a wrahtah!

AAHAA-I see my Moose Jaw colleague has chimed in. Might me a good idea to send her the WIP as well as she is most enlightened and eggstremely MooseJawterrian-thanking you in pay pal advances-Davids-me? no not me her-sheesh you are being silly now are not you?

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 03:49 AM
What you didn't like my query? Maybe that's why I got rejection letters...


CLEAN-UP ON MONITOR ONE!!! CLEAN-UP ON MONITOR ONE!!!

http://www.tcnj.edu/~techtalk/March/v4yb_yeh%5B1%5D1.jpg

davids
03-01-2008, 03:51 AM
Agent Davis thank you for axsepurating my propositional querification-I must tell you and be speaking in a seriousness way that this novel is very prolific-the magification of my wordliness is personificated by the grammatical complexities therein-I am religiously opposed to commas of any kind though I do believe in literization technifications such as questions? and exclamifactions!-now is the time for changes to todays literary persona thank you for my axceptification and have a wonderful day!

Mizz Brown please forward this to the Moose Jaw office for translationary de-edification!

reigningcatsndogs
03-01-2008, 03:53 AM
What you didn't like my query? Maybe that's why I got rejection letters...

Loved it -- just appreciatin how quick you picked up a new language!!!;)


Oh, here's the mail man now for you submission:

http://members.cox.net/jecoulter/frameset/images_portfolio/12_snail_mail.gif


ETA: I think this might be Dave's cousin Dale -- just a guess though. I see the resemblification in the eyeballthingys

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 03:56 AM
Oh, here's the mail man now for you submission:

http://members.cox.net/jecoulter/frameset/images_portfolio/12_snail_mail.gif


Actually, this is the agent who's working on my next query:

http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r115/TomotheCat/0511-0701-3117-1335.png

Soccer Mom
03-01-2008, 03:59 AM
Somehow, that hurt my feelings more than the real rejection letters I got...


:(


It was supposed to be silly, hon. That was a silly query and this was a silly rejection by Hello Kitteh Agent.

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 04:00 AM
Not helloz kitteh! I thought kitteh was my friend.


It was supposed to be silly, hon. That was a silly query and this was a silly rejection by Hello Kitteh Agent.

Devil Ledbetter
03-01-2008, 04:18 AM
Dear Davids:

I am seeking representation for my 90,000 word novel entitled "Moo." It's the tragic tale of a young boy devastated by a post-apocalyptic society, in which there are no more raisins, and the president is a fish who has been mutated into an honest-to-goodness centaur. It is told entirely from the perspective of a goat.

I feel that this is an important story, as it sheds light on the under-apprecification of raisins in today's society. It would be a valuable lessoneration to young children and adults alike, as there are several children within the scene, and there are some subtle sexual characteristics possessed by the centaur to keep the interest of the adults.

This manuscript is available in theatres near your imaginification. May the force be with you.

-Lauren.Look at all the agent rules you've violated. There are fish, and verbs, and no doubt you've left out the fact that the centuar is named Bill.

The agent will laud you for your fresh, bold approach and declare you the winner of his latest contest.

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 04:20 AM
No. See, you're wrong. It just so happens that the centaur's name... is William.


Look at all the agent rules you've violated. There are fish, and verbs, and no doubt you've left out the fact that the centuar is named Bill.

The agent will laud you for your fresh, bold approach and declare you the winner of his latest contest.

Jongfan
03-01-2008, 04:22 AM
Dear Lobsterino Agency,

I've writed a story with some words. It's about a man named Dick, a lady named Jane and they have this wicked pissa dog named Spot. The word count is approximately 600.
I think it's a novel. Do you wanna buy it?

Thanks for taking the time to read my queery

Jane Doe

Soccer Mom
03-01-2008, 04:24 AM
Not helloz kitteh! I thought kitteh was my friend.


You have to be careful. Some kittehs are gud...

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/funny-pictures-evil-cute-kitten-hands.jpg

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 04:24 AM
If you could write 600 coherent words exactly, about Dick, Jane and Spot, I personally would rep point every comment you have ever left on AW ever.

ETA: In your own words. You may cite from the original text using less than 50 words, including citation notes.


Dear Lobsterino Agency,

I've writed a story with some words. It's about a man named Dick, a lady named Jane and they have this wicked pissa dog named Spot. The word count is approximately 600.
I think it's a novel. Do you wanna buy it?

Thanks for taking the time to read my queery

Jane Doe

davids
03-01-2008, 04:34 AM
I WANT SOCCER MOM TO PROSECUTE ME WHEN THE SUITS COME AROUND FOR TEA-NOW DICK AND JANE AND SPOT-YES I THINK MIZZ JONGFAN MAY HAVE A MARGINAL CHANCE IF SMART CONCPICEICAL EDITING IS USED-MIZZ BROWN DO YOU HAVE YOUR EDITING PENCIL AT HAND?

bluntforcetrauma
03-01-2008, 06:30 AM
(_Y_)

Now yer talkin' my language!

bluntforcetrauma
03-01-2008, 06:32 AM
Agent Davis thank you for axsepurating my propositional querification-I must tell you and be speaking in a seriousness way that this novel is very prolific-the magification of my wordliness is personificated by the grammatical complexities therein-I am religiously opposed to commas of any kind though I do believe in literization technifications such as questions? and exclamifactions!-now is the time for changes to todays literary persona thank you for my axceptification and have a wonderful day!

Watch your language, young lady!