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View Full Version : Just an awful week.



KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 08:53 AM
This has just been an awful week. I like work, it's nice. I love my friends, they're great.

But I have been through so much. And for the most part I toughened up and got over it, but sometimes it just hits me like "hey, Lauren, some hardcore shit happened to you. Be upset."

This april will make two years since my dad died. I was 21. He wasn't sick, but he'd always been in poor health in the sense that he didn't have a good diet and stuff like that.

My mother and I have never gotten along. Never. She's just a pretty awful, unloving, petty and mean-spirited person. She has some good moments. When I was little it's not like she beat me or locked me in the bathroom or anything. But on a personal level, she never wanted to listen to me talk, as kids do. And if she was in a bad mood, which just seemed to spring up sometimes, she would pick on me right before I was about to go to school to start my day. Like, I remember one time I was 9 or 10, waiting for the bus, and she walked by and said "you can't wear those socks with that skirt, go change." I liked my socks and also, the bus would be there any minute, and I said it'd be fine. She proceeded to tell me she couldn't fucking stand me, she hoped people laughed at me, I looked like an idiot, etc. And then the bus would come, and I'd have to go to school with that having started my day.

When I was 17, my mom just up and decided we'd be selling the house. My father was in remission from cancer, tired, not always feeling well, and he relented without really thinking it through. We'd spent 16 years there, and he tried to back out of it, and I pleaded, and in the end my mother won. She also sold all of our furniture, including some of my dad's antiques and valuable records.

And then, once we moved into the new place, my parents divorced. I stayed with my dad because we were always close. Literally, we called each other about a dozen and a half times throughout the day just to say hi or check in with each other (I was also an only child and a total daddy's girl). My mother, in the meantime, didn't want anything to do with me. Years passed. She barely called. But she blamed me for not calling first all of the time. Whatever. When we DID get together, we fought, so I just tried to avoid it.

So then, April, 2006, my dad and I are upstairs talking about yogurt. Freaking yogurt. I was pissed that he bought the wrong kind, and he was like "chill out, it's no big deal." And then he played this computer game and I watched for a while.

He went downstairs, and I was checking myspace, and there's this horrendous THUD. Then silence. My dad wouldn't answer me, and when I came downstairs I found him lying dead on the floor with his eyes open staring at me.

It was like 15 minutes before an ambulance came. Nobody in my family believes in answering their phone, including my mother. I rode with his corpse in the ambulance. I had to sit there in my pajamas, alone, while a doctor told me he was dead. I called the neighbors and asked them to please let my dog out to pee.

Nobody in my family picked up. For hours. I called a friend to come and get me, and when she said "Hey, what's up Laur?" I said "So yeah. Can you come get me? My dad died."

I came home to the sound of my dad's cell phone ringing (the Law and Order theme that irritated me to no end because someone was always calling.) He was supposed to have been at work. I had to introduce myself, and say he had died and wouldn't be coming in, sorry.

And for like, days, I was just on this blissfully reclusive cloud. I just sat in the empty house watching shows I'd recorded on the DVR and that had stacked up because the day my dad died, Sunday, had been the day I planned to watch them.

My family, who has never been especially close to me, tore through his things like vultures. I had my uncle and maybe two others who genuinely tried to help me, and a couple of people who sat with me and talked, or slept on the couch so there'd be someone else home when I went to bed.

The rest of my family, including my mother, pawed through his things, took what they wanted. Someone took the PHONE off of the WALL. Some of his remaining records are gone, CDs, appliances, expensive things, 50's-70's memorbelia, whatever people wanted they took. And I just kinda sat there like an invalid going "huh? whatever you want."

The day of my dad's funeral, I came home to my mother uprooting my father's garden and planting her own flowers. She said "get over it and go write your thank you notes, life is tough" (FYI her parents are still alive, and don't speak to me because I'm not catholic).

One of my cousins invited me to stay with her while I got my bearings. After I'd been there a couple of weeks, she demanded $1,000 rent and wouldn't let me have my stuff back until I got it. I just gave it to her. The people who came to the funeral had collected two or three thousand dollars for me for school. My cousin built a new deck. Coincidence? Who the fuck knows.

My mother found out that my dad's condo was now in my name, and that it was going to foreclose and she could get it for a great price, so she took it. And suddenly she wanted to be mommy again. I didn't have anywhere to go. I was still in school, and netting about $150 per week, which was nothing compared to the 12k in loans I had to pay. So I moved in with her rent free.

I've been living with her for about a year. It's my dad's place, but her stuff is everywhere. I have his things in the basement and she keeps reminding me that they need to be thrown away.

Cue the violins, right? I wish I was dramatizing this, but in actuality I'm summarizing it.

So whatever, you know? I don't whine. I don't complain. I don't expect special treatment because my dad died. I live with it. I lead a relatively normal life trying to stay out of my mother's hair, dangling yarn in front of my cat, writing, napping. Whatever I can do.

My mother hasn't been speaking to me since Monday. To hell if I know what the fuck I did, and I don't care. Sometimes she shuns me, been doing it since forever. I've learned to let it roll off my shoulders. I let so much shit just roll off my shoulders. Everyone has problems. I'm not the only one who's lost a loved one. I'm not the only one who deserves a little man playing a violin in the background.

But sometimes it just gets to be too much. It just accumulates. It pools to the center. I woke up to a rejection letter that had been thrown on the floor in front of my bedroom. I went out with some friends who cheered me up. when I came home, my mother had deliberately shut all the lights and locked all the doors before she went to bed. The house was pitch black and the lamp is across the room. When I turned on the light, first thing I saw was a SASE waiting for me on the floor by my room. A second rejection.

I feel like crying. And you know what, I probably will.


ETA: Thank you everyone for commenting. It means so much. Things haven't gotten better. In fact, they've gotten worse. And now,
this thread now has a sister post. Oi vey... (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2111662#post2111662)

Mandy-Jane
02-29-2008, 11:47 AM
Oh Lauren, I'm so sorry all that happened to you. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know I can't. Is there no-one at all that you could go and live with, or at least stay for a while? From what you've said, I think you need to get away from your Mother as soon as possible. :Hug2:

Maryn
02-29-2008, 05:53 PM
Got a seriously mommish hug for you (my specialty!), and a suggestion.

Okay, your mom is unreasonable, and many of the family members are vultures, but not everybody was awful. Could the uncle or anyone else who was kind store some of your dad's things at his/her place, neatly boxed and labeled by you? I mean seriously labeled, LAUREN'S on all four sides and the top, in big letters. Seal the boxes with plenty of tape, too.

I don't know your situation, whether you're a student or what, but if you're not in school, you should be able to find a job that brings you more income. Minimum wage, full time, should get you $215 or so every week. That's enough to rent a room with kitchen privileges, or share a small apartment with a roomie, and get yourself out of that toxic environment.

While rejection is always going to smart, it blisters when you're already at a low point. Grab your bootstraps and make yourself a six-month plan to get yourself and your possessions the hell out of that condo.

We'll help you plan if you let us know what you need or what questions you have. There are people here who've been down so long it starts looking like up, but they clawed their way out of the holes that were their lives and are in better places now--and strong as hell.

Maryn, with a second hug, because that's what she's good at

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 06:04 PM
Maryn-

I just just finished college in December, and have been ping-ponging from one temp. secretarial position to the next trying for something permanent. So far the temp agency has been finding me a steady stream of one-two week gigs that pay better and have more hours than retail gigs; so I'm going to try sticking with them until they can land me something permanent with benefits.

I hope my post doesn't sound like a big voilin case (I almost feel like pretending I'd written it while I was drunk). I of course know lots of people deal with the same level of crap, if not more, on a daily basis. And I'm sure we've all been kicked in the head by rejections. It was just so awful to get two rejections and come home to a dark house that it's actually a little funny. I mean, can't you see it happening in a cheesy romantic comedy with "Everybody hurts" playing in the background?

My uncle does have a lot of my dad's (his brother's) stuff in storage. He's also got my completely senile grandmother who poops in the laundry basket. So I know he's doing all he can. The only two cousins I have left living in the state have husbands and kids (one of them has twins, the other has a newborn son), and we aren't close enough that I feel comfortable saying "I need to take your basement space for a while."

Right now I'm trying to just keep afloat. Student loan bill should be arriving within three months (I think they give you a six month grace), so once I can figure out how to budget that, I think I will start looking for a place to stay. It is definitely clawing up from a hole, you're right. Thanks for the support!

Maryn
02-29-2008, 06:11 PM
That's cool, Lauren. Our daughter is your age and had a nine-month gap after graduation before she started what she's doing now. Her temp agency had the same stuff--short gigs in soulless offices--and her successful work at each one seemed to lead them to place her in what she regarded as a plum gig, a long-term assignment in a very pleasant workplace. Later, they offered her the real job, buying out her temp contract, and she gave it serious consideration.

With luck, your temp agency will hear of your good work and do the same, placing you someplace perfectly nice for a long stretch, once you've proven yourself.

Keep us posted?

Maryn, Everymom

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 06:15 PM
Maryn-

Yep. The first place they assigned me only kept me for two freakin days. They called me on a Wednesday to start Thursday and Friday, which I did. They were looking for something permanent, so I got excited. They had me clean out their computer, which was possessed by widgets and popups their previous secretary had downloaded. They had me do all this dirty work, and on Friday asked me to work through half of my lunch, which I did. Then on Friday night, the agency called to say they didn't want me back, I wasn't working out.

Nice, right?

This place where I'm now temping is really nice. People are nice to me. But I'm just filling in for the receptionst who is on a cruise. I'm hoping these guys give me some kind of glowing review, or perhaps find something for me to do here.

CaroGirl
02-29-2008, 06:24 PM
That is shitty. You need to know that you deserve to be happy. You're obviously a strong person, probably stronger than even you know, and surviving this difficult time in your life will make you even stronger.

You need a decent paying job so you can get away from your mother. I'm sure she's not pure evil, but your relationship with her is toxic for you. In a clean atmosphere, you can begin to heal and put your life back together.

You also need to know that you're a great writer. Don't give up on your dreams, even while you're fighting for your life and freedom. Keep trying, keep writing, keep submitting.

All the best to you.

bluntforcetrauma
02-29-2008, 07:28 PM
This has just been an awful week.

My Dad and Mom died in short order. Mom wasn't even in the ground when the vultures descended on their home. It makes me sick to think about it. Lauren, I know it's hard for you to hear right now, but I had a decent relationship with my parents. So, even though the buzzards picked the bones, they couldn't take away my memories.

You hurt. You need asylum, Lauren. Do you have any friends who'll let you move in with them? I'd say I'm sorry, but I know that doesn't help much. When you fell, someone should have been there to cushion the blow. It's all well and fine having AW fiends to talk to, but you need someone near who'll be there for you.

I wish you all the best.

Rick

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 07:38 PM
I'm really sorry that you've been in a position to understand my situation. *hug*

My friends are great, wonderful people. The day my dad died, one of them cancelled a date to come over. She brought a bag of chips and some flowers because she wasn't sure what to do. Those chips ended up being the only thing I could stand to eat for weeks, and I picked at them until they were stale and flavorless, and gone.

Some friends have fizzled out of my life, like the best, closest friend I had for two years, the first friend I'd ever made in college and whom I drove to the emergency room an hour away when she had whiplash. She couldn't come to the funeral because she had a headache and it was kind of a long (30 minute) drive.

There was a close aquaintance of mine whose father died about 7 months after mine, also quite unexpectedly. A month later we went on a random roadtrip together and formed a tight friendship. Unfortunately, nobody is in a position to offer me a place to stay. Most are still in college dorms, or teeny apartments they share with roommates.


It's all well and fine having AW fiends to talk to, but you need someone near who'll be there for you.

I wish you all the best.

Rick

Susie
02-29-2008, 07:50 PM
I'm so sorry that all happened to you, tomothecat. Sure wish it didn't and only wishing you bright days and happiness from now. I know lots of stresful stuff happens to me and others here too, so we understand. Sending you good vibes, prayers and good thoughts. :Hug2:

Bufty
02-29-2008, 08:56 PM
I feel for you, Tomo, but not much I can do from across the pond other than to say I hope things turn soon for the better.

Whatever you do, please don't turn bitter - that is a creature that feeds upon itself, and you deserve better than that.:Hug2:

KikiteNeko
02-29-2008, 09:10 PM
I just had this image of a big scaly monster chewing on his own toe.



I feel for you, Tomo, but not much I can do from across the pond other than to say I hope things turn soon for the better.

Whatever you do, please don't turn bitter - that is a creature that feeds upon itself, and you deserve better than that.:Hug2:

Serenity
02-29-2008, 09:40 PM
Right now I'm trying to just keep afloat. Student loan bill should be arriving within three months (I think they give you a six month grace), so once I can figure out how to budget that, I think I will start looking for a place to stay. It is definitely clawing up from a hole, you're right. Thanks for the support!

Mega, mega hugs. And a helpful hint on the student loans. Apply for a forebearance or a deferment of your loans due to economic hardship. It sounds all formal, but what it amounts to is that you can't comfortably start paying on your student loans just yet. I think you can do this up to two years. It may be more, I can't remember. You can pay on the interest while this is happening, or let it accrue until you are in a good financial place to begin paying on the loans.

It's easy to do, doesn't affect your credit or anything, and you have a little more time to figure things out.

writerterri
02-29-2008, 09:57 PM
Lauren! I'm huggin' you!

I've had a really tough life from the start. It's not easy and letting stuff roll is best and yes stuff accumulates. One day I just got mad on paper. I told everyone who has craped on my shoulders where to go and how to get there. It felt so good. Then I ripped up the paper, threw it away and got on with my day.

Ignore your bio person in the house and keep striving for your own life. You'll make it. Keep your heart soft and open for the love that people can and will give you. That is what will keep you going.

This will pass. It will take more time but it will eventually end and you will be out on your own away from her when you can.

Keep posting, keep writing and take a small break from the rejection letters. Mostly, keep laughing and smiling.

We will help you through this time.

adorkylilhugforya

bluntforcetrauma
02-29-2008, 11:24 PM
I'm really sorry

YOU KILLED THEM? I'M SPEECHLESS!:ROFL:

bluntforcetrauma
02-29-2008, 11:26 PM
We will help you through this time.

adorkylilhugforya

That was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweet! But you're still the QUEEN OF THE DORKS! ;)

sandyn
03-01-2008, 01:34 AM
Lauren,

I have lots of empathy for you. I could nothing right in the eyes of my mother, right up to the day she died. It's very tough for a child who just wants a mother's love.

I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and make it all OK. All I can do is add my best wishes to those of the other posters and pray for you.

Little Red Barn
03-01-2008, 01:41 AM
Lauren, :Hug2:

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 01:44 AM
Yay, hugs. Could you also protect me from that cat in your avatar? I think it's trying to eat my soul.


Lauren, :Hug2:

Kate Thornton
03-01-2008, 02:09 AM
This has been an awful time for you, kiddo.

I know what it's like to lose your folks - my mom died when I was 13 and my Daddy was killed by a hopped-up neighbor in 1983. A succesion of really wretched stepmothers were no damned help.

But I made my own life, as did my little brother (of whom I am particularly proud) and we are happy adults. We have done well, purusing our dreams and our lives with an intensity that only those who realize how unexpectedly short life can be have. You can do that too.

Of course, I have the advantage of living in a warm climate - I visited Connecticut last year - it's freakin' *cold* there - at least at this time of year. Stay warm and plan.

Plan out your financial future with a savings plan of some sort - plan out your physical future with a plan for moving when you are able to do so. Keep in touch with the family members who will be better able to interact with you in the future (your uncle & cousins - they busy right now, but they won't be busy forever.) Plan your emotional future, too.

Don't let the toxic relationship with your mother poison your life - realize that there are many people who are smart and funny and decent who would love you in a heartbeat if they only knew you. Cultivate friendships with interesting and decent people - you can never have too many friends.

And you will always have the cherished memories of your father. Yes, you'll alwayts have the shock and horror, too, but trust me that part really does take a back seat to the good stuff in time. I think of my Daddy all the time, and my beautiful Mommy too, and remember the wonderful family we had. I very seldom think of the awful times - they sort of go into hiding when the cheery times are out in the sun. Someday you will probably feel only pity for your mother - what a dried-up empty shell of a person she sounds.

You have a wonderful life stretching out before you - plan so it will stretch out in happiness. But live each day fully and appreciatively, knowing that life can be short.

You are so fortunate to be able to write, to have your cyber-friends here, to have a world you can go to when the real one gets too overwhelming.

Come and talk to us anytime - we're always here, and no one is short of advice!

No one is short of hugs, either!

Bo Sullivan
03-01-2008, 04:02 AM
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time and I hope that soon you will be happy again. You sound as if you are due for some good luck and I hope it comes your way very soon.

B.

KikiteNeko
03-01-2008, 04:04 AM
Please blow these good thoughts in the direction of some agents :)


I'm sorry you are having such a tough time and I hope that soon you will be happy again. You sound as if you are due for some good luck and I hope it comes your way very soon.

B.