PDA

View Full Version : Ye olde "Women Love Jerks" debate



bluejester12
02-25-2008, 06:01 AM
Found this, thought it was interesting.


SHE SAYS: No, but we think we do. As someone who dated a jerk, whom I now refer to as my "learning experience," I admit to falling under the jerk spell.
Here's how the jerk spell works: we meet the jerk and in some twisted way are seduced by his confidence, charm, and passion. We don't see these as the disguises they are: confidence is really arrogance, charm comes from him being a player, and his passion is being the center of his own universe.

The jerk sniffs out our insecurities and uses them to reel us in with compliments that eventually turn into criticisms. And if we see a red flag, like the time my "learning experience" told me his definition of a relationship was "light, fun and physical," we play mind games with ourselves. We use our normally rational inner voice to convince ourselves that we can tame him or that with the right kind of girlfriend he will lose his jerk armor and transform into a leading man fit for a romantic comedy. Come on ladies, what are we thinking?!

A jerk loves being a jerk -- way more than he loves us. I guess if they've always gotten away with treating people poorly and nobody ever set them straight, why would they change? Besides, a jerk seems to always have an attractive woman on his arm laughing at his mediocre jokes and ignoring his wandering gaze. How? I think it's because deep down every woman wants a challenge or a little danger. It's not really the jerk we like; it's the thrill of the chase, the rush of adrenaline when the jerk's phone number pops up on our cell (which is usually right after last call).
However, it's been my experience that "jerkdom" isn't some phase we can pull a guy out of. Guys only outgrow that phase when life no longer succumbs to their demands. Any woman who has dated a jerk for more than a week knows that it's a hollow relationship that ultimately leaves you disappointed, hurt, and commiserating with your friends.

The only challenge worth overcoming when dating a jerk is to not let him affect or define your self worth. So if there is a jerk out there making your heart go pitter-pat and estrogen is messing with your reasoning, go ahead and let him woo you, but when he asks for your number tell him that you only date guys who prove their value by respecting a woman. If he's a jerk he'll roll his eyes, say you have an attitude and snicker as he leaves. If he sincerely accepts your ground rules, then chances are you should give him at least one date to prove he's relationship material. Although you may not be spellbound at first, the nice guy without all the smooth answers may ultimately fulfill your needs in more meaningful ways.



HE SAYS: As much as I hate to say it, girls love jerks! At least until the jerk stops calling, which is usually right after he gets what he wants. Speaking from the guy's perspective, I've never quite understood what draws sane, attractive, bright women to guys who act like jerks. Maybe it is the thrill of the unexpected. Maybe it is trying to outplay him in his own game. Maybe it is hoping that deep down he is a nice guy and you are going to prove it to your naysayer friends. What I do know is that too many women who could easily be in a healthy relationship instead choose the cliffhanger ending of dating a jerk that walks with a swagger, winks at anything that moves, and always has a one-liner at the ready.

Truth be told, there aren't many nice guys who haven't considered acting like a jerk, especially when they steal your girl (here I speak from experience). However, daydreaming of jerkdom fades as soon as nice guys remember one thing: being a jerk means acting like a jerk all the time. That means causing the mental pain and emotional anguish that drives a girl to phone her friends -- guy friends included -- crying about what the jerk did to her in public on their first date. Even guys bear the brunt of girls who fall head over heels for jerks.

If you're a girl who feels worse about yourself with every jerk you date, I hope you will make a big move towards respecting yourself and go on a date with a nice guy. They may not offer the drama and constant criticism you've come to expect, but they also won't try to hook up with you after dropping off their other girlfriend. And if you are having trouble distinguishing between a jerk and a nice guy, here are three ways to tell:

He's probably a jerk if he tells you to skip desert because your butt already jiggles enough.
He's definitely a jerk if he "guilts" you into doing things that make you feel bad about yourself -- usually starting with the line "If you really cared about me..."
He's absolutely a jerk if he takes you on a date and leaves you the bill, while he leaves with the waitress.

Silver King
02-25-2008, 06:38 AM
Some guys are jerks, there's no question about it. And at least an equal amount of women are jerks also.

So it's a wash, just enough to keep our species going strong enough to produce more jerks at an alarming rate.

bluntforcetrauma
02-25-2008, 06:42 AM
I can be a jerk sometimes. I'm better now than I used to be.

Soccer Mom
02-25-2008, 06:44 AM
SOme women love jerks and are destined to stay unhappy, forever seeking the perfect fixer-upper. I just married a nice man and had done with it. (15 years married and counting). I've dated a jerk or two in my time, but never for long term.

SpookyWriter
02-25-2008, 06:44 AM
Some guys are jerks, there's no question about it. And at least an equal amount of women are jerks also.

So it's a wash, just enough to keep our species going strong enough to produce more jerks at an alarming rate.Really?

http://www.commoncraft.com/archives/jerk%20copy.gif

slcboston
02-25-2008, 06:49 AM
The problem is, in my experience, is that women never realize they're dating the jerk until it's too late. Meanwhile complaining all the time to their nice guy friends, whom they're never interested in because they're not "exciting enough."

Hmm... or perhaps I'm just bitter at the moment. Don't mind me. :D

Interestingly enough, there was a corollary to this published somewhere pretty recently. It essentially gave the advice that if you were looking for someone for a committed relationship, the socially awkward guys were better. They were the ones more likely to be honest, both about themselves and about what they wanted. The smooth, suave types are simply too good at telling others what they want to here and hiding their true selves/agendas.

Devil Ledbetter
02-25-2008, 06:49 AM
Women who like jerks do so because they need to feel superior to someone. They feel unworthy, and think that if they can love the jerk, then they must be lovable. It's twisted.

I've no use for jerks. They bore me.

Soccer Mom
02-25-2008, 06:51 AM
Yup, it's the same compulsion that makes perfectly nice men date women who treat them like crap.

Silver King
02-25-2008, 07:01 AM
There must be some correlation between guys who are assholes and women who allow them to behave in that manner. And there must be the same correlation between women who act like assholes and men who allow such behavior.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'd guess if we were to take a poll, people would be proven to be jerks, regardless of gender.

Provrb1810meggy
02-25-2008, 07:02 AM
I think there's a difference though between being a jerk and a flirt...because I know some guys who are flirts and nice guys simultaneously. Of course, that guy still may not be the best guy to pursue a relationship with.

bluntforcetrauma
02-25-2008, 07:08 AM
I thought a jerk was somewbody like me who sometimes forgets to pick up prescriptions and stuff. My wife never says anything about it, but I feel awful when I do things like that.

SpookyWriter
02-25-2008, 07:11 AM
There must be some correlation between guys who are assholes and women who allow them to behave in that manner. And there must be the same correlation between women who act like assholes and men who allow such behavior.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'd guess if we were to take a poll, people would be proven to be jerks, regardless of gender.

It's lust.

http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k172/ciubi/f/funny0118.jpg

TrainofThought
02-25-2008, 07:15 AM
A jerk doesn’t necessarily fit into the above categories. Women have different definitions of jerks, and some women don’t even realize they’re married to a jerk. Women make-up excuses for their jerk, or say they don’t expect it of him because that’s the way she wants it. :Shrug: We all have our definitions of jerks, and a weakness for ignoring the one in front of us.

kellytijer
02-25-2008, 07:15 AM
I thought a jerk was somewbody like me who sometimes forgets to pick up prescriptions and stuff. My wife never says anything about it, but I feel awful when I do things like that.

Well, bluntforce just got the husband of the year award...how nice is that?

My hubby's like that too...the worst thing he does is get my order wrong at Taco Bell...but I've dated jerks. The jerk is the guy who stays out all night, turns off his cell phone, and when he finally shows up the next day and you give him that look he says, "What?"

bluntforcetrauma
02-25-2008, 07:22 AM
Well, bluntforce just got the husband of the year award...how nice is that?

My hubby's like that too...the worst thing he does is get my order wrong at Taco Bell...but I've dated jerks. The jerk is the guy who stays out all night, turns off his cell phone, and when he finally shows up the next day and you give him that look he says, "What?"


Yer too sweet. Now, am I getting this right? Your husband is Hispanic and gets your Taco Bell order mixed up? That's priceless, G-d love him.

bluntforcetrauma
02-25-2008, 07:24 AM
http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k172/ciubi/f/funny0118.jpg
STEP RIGHT UP! SEE THE AMAZING 10 LEGGED 4 HEADED DOG!

SpookyWriter
02-25-2008, 07:32 AM
Where'd the extra two legs come from?

bluejester12
02-25-2008, 07:51 AM
Women who like jerks do so because they need to feel superior to someone. They feel unworthy, and think that if they can love the jerk, then they must be lovable. It's twisted.

I've no use for jerks. They bore me.

I knwo for some it's a self-esteem issue.


I also read once that most women will look for reasons NOT to enter a relationship, but once she's in one she'll look for reasons to justify it.

kellytijer
02-25-2008, 07:55 AM
Yer too sweet. Now, am I getting this right? Your husband is Hispanic and gets your Taco Bell order mixed up? That's priceless, G-d love him.

Well in his defense, he hates Mexican food. He'd rather eat my killer meatloaf. (Boy, I can see the replies now...)
But then, Taco Bell isn't really Mexican food so, well, I dunno.

KTC
02-25-2008, 07:57 AM
http://www.dvdtown.com/images/displayimage.php?id=6569
I am nothing like this guy.


http://www.australianmusician.com.au/mag/autumn03/jerk.jpg
Nor am I like these guys.

http://www.markcaribbeancuisine.com/images/jerk_chicken.jpg
I have been known to eat this, though.

bluntforcetrauma
02-25-2008, 08:01 AM
But then, Taco Bell isn't really Mexican food so, well, I dunno.


I know. I have some Mexican friends who make some fine Mexican food. We douse everything in Habanero sauce and dine!

bluntforcetrauma
02-25-2008, 08:02 AM
[IMG]http://www.markcaribbeancuisine.com/images/jerk_chicken.jpg


Now this is LUST! Heck, I'd eat that off the sidewalk!

bluntforcetrauma
02-25-2008, 08:03 AM
Where'd the extra two legs come from?

Well................

KTC
02-25-2008, 08:08 AM
Now this is LUST! Heck, I'd eat that off the sidewalk!


Then, clearly you are a jerk eater.

ErylRavenwell
02-25-2008, 10:09 AM
By my definition, a jerk is a major league a--hole. Excuse the euphemism but gotta sacrifice manners for clarity sometimes. :D "The women loves jerks" myth is certainly in need of debunking. Jerks can fool some women into loving them, but that until the illusion lasts. Once the woman finds out he'll dump the guy, usually in the most humiliating way (I'll save you the details). True most of the times, unless the woman is one of those weak women caught in an abusive relationship.

But then at the antipode, there's Mr Insecure Niceguy. This kind of fella never takes any risk and are left with only their hands to contemplate every night. It is those guys who perpertuate the myth, I reckon.

JoNightshade
02-25-2008, 10:28 AM
I know the dude this article is talking about. My husband works with him. He's attractive, knows it, has such impeccable style that we all thought he was gay for a while, and a new lady every month. He knows where he can pick them up, and he's perfectly fine with dropping them for any particular reason. In reality, he's just interested in the sex. I realized what he was when he told me he'd just dumped his girlfriend because her political views were "uninspired." He says, "She was boring me." And he's not nice to these girls, either. And yet... they flock...

bluntforcetrauma
02-25-2008, 10:50 AM
He says, "She was boring me."

Wasn't he doing the same to them? :roll::roll::roll:

aruna
02-25-2008, 11:21 AM
Women who like jerks do so because they need to feel superior to someone. They feel unworthy, and think that if they can love the jerk, then they must be lovable. It's twisted.

I've no use for jerks. They bore me.

This is only half true; I know because I was that woman. But I did not want to feel superior to my jerks (yes, there were a lot of them). I wanted only to be loved by them. However, a jerk is incapable of love. He loves only himself. It is also true that I did not recognise them to be jerks in the beginning.

However, you will be happy to know that one day I realised what was happening and corrected myself! Now I can smell a jerk a mile away, and in fact I have lowered the bar to jerkdom considerably. It is very easy to qualify as a jerk in my eyes...

ErylRavenwell
02-25-2008, 11:31 AM
This is only half true; I know because I was that woman. But I did not want to feel superior to my jerks (yes, there were a lot of them). I wanted only to be loved by them. However, a jerk is incapable of love. He loves only himself. It is also true that I did not recognise them to be jerks in the beginning.

However, you will be happy to know that one day I realised what was happening and corrected myself! Now I can smell a jerk a mile away, and in fact I have lowered the bar to jerkdom considerably. It is very easy to qualify as a jerk in my eyes...

I wonder if you'd call a guy who gives fake telephone numbers to women he meets for the first time a jerk? The guy is loyal to his gf but he can't help to flirt with women when they start a conversation with him. He never initiates a conversation with total strangers.

Is that below your bar of jerkdom, Aruna? :)

Cassiopeia
02-25-2008, 11:38 AM
I have a rule of thumb I live by now, if a guy says to me "I'm a bastard" I thank him and go my separate way.

Now some may say, "oh come on, he's just got low self esteem" but NO, I've learned that they usually really are just what they say.

If they say, you want to steer clear of me cos I'm not a nice man, I usually say to them, thank you, i'll just be on my way.

I do know some men use this as a ploy to feel like they are some kind of playa when they aren't but that in of itself is a flag too. So, I stand back and have contented myself to have friends. I've been married to Mr. Nice guy who warmed into a jerk after 10 years of marriage and another Mr. Niceguy who went from 0-60 on the jerk scale in six months after the marriage and there WAS no warning. He was great for two years prior to marriage.

So here's my best advice, listen to what they say and know when to walk. Don't try to out play him or her and remember, there's always someone else around the corner to spend your time with.

I know that might sound cold but I've learned that in this day in age of wannabes, I can't afford to really take anyone serious.

Perks
02-25-2008, 03:55 PM
Most people are attracted to confidence, because confidence is the conduit of humor and energy. Nobody wants a dull, slugabout.

I don't think the problem is that it's 'women are stupid so they're looking for someone to fix even though everyone in the world has told her a thousand times that you can't fix people.' Or thay they are looking for 'a challenge'. In fact, those facile answers irritate me. I think it's more of a misreading of the confidence. And jerks generally have it by the bucketloads, well-earned or not.

Then, once the time investment is there, she'll start playing headgames with herself to pound that square peg, because it sucks to be wrong.

The reverse is also true for men who get stepped on by jerk women.

Appalachian Writer
02-25-2008, 05:15 PM
The definition of "jerk" varies with the individual as does the definition of beauty or most other things. I don't remember the author's name but I once read a couple of lines that have burned their way into my memory banks. "When we're young, we love the man who makes us cry because the natural state of youth is happiness. When we're older, we love the man who makes us laugh because, by then, we've cried too much." It made since to me then, and it makes sense to me now.

Thump
02-25-2008, 05:46 PM
I have only ever had one boyfriend and little by little I'm seeing how he fit into the jerk mold. I'm happy I got the vibe early even if I didn't realize what it meant and bailed.
He was a terrible flirt and somehow he really did well in spite of the fact he was not an attractive man. I didn't realize he was not a good guy (at least for me?) at first because we liked the same stuff and he actually prefers women with my body type so there were no comments on the "you're fat, don't eat" category.

But I can see now that the things he did and said, especially in public, that made me uncomfortable were the first signs of coming jerkiness.

Now, if only I could get me a nice guy... it's hard when you're incapable of flirting.