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payitforward
02-24-2008, 01:00 PM
Dear All:

I've gotten amazing feedback from people on this site. The general consensus is that the last half of my fantasy novel is stronger than the first half, especially the first three chapters.

I have substantially revised chapters 1-3, and so I was wondering if anyone would have a look-see at them? I mostly want to see if it intrigues you to read further. I would be more than happy to return the favor.

Here is my quick query letter (that I'm still working on and will throw up on the query syw board):

There are rumors that up north the land is being killed by a deadly winter. It moves like a animal, taking villages one at a time, covering the high mountain passes so no one can come to the rescue. Earth spirits follow the winter and prey upon the struggling people and animals. Frozen carcasses are left torn open, booty of a war declared by earth and air.

But Jonathan dreams of a little girl who can repel earth spirits; he doesn’t know how or why she has this power, only that he must find her, and soon. He begins a relentless search in the northern wild, but earth and air are searching to find the girl first, for they want to reclaim the world as their own, with no humans to chain their power anymore. It’s a deadly race, and Jonathan doesn’t stand a chance, not until fire and water send help. In a battle for the world, the very elements themselves will go to war.

honeycomb
02-25-2008, 03:40 PM
Dear All:

I've gotten amazing feedback from people on this site. The general consensus is that the last half of my fantasy novel is stronger than the first half, especially the first three chapters.

I have substantially revised chapters 1-3, and so I was wondering if anyone would have a look-see at them? I mostly want to see if it intrigues you to read further. I would be more than happy to return the favor.

Here is my quick query letter (which seems to get a lot of requests from agents):

Jonathan has issues. First, his nightmares about a beautiful woman hunting a little girl in the wilderness are about to drive him mad; they make him scream out at night like a little boy even though he’s eighteen. Even worse, the trees have begun to whisper to him a strange language, warning him of some impending doom. It doesn’t help matters that the sarcastic village smith Cadman tells him that they must find the little girl, for the world needs her. The land is being slowly killed by a deadly winter that buries men and women, kingdoms and villages.

Jonathan and Cadman begin a relentless search in the northern wild for the little girl, aided by a feisty widow (think Ripley in Aliens meets Chaucer's Wife of Bath) and another trader who has a mysterious reason for helping them. Yet time is short, and if the winter is against him, so are other strange creatures that prey upon the frozen bodies left over. Among them, a race that looks intoxicatingly beautiful yet can move through sand and snow as serpents, for they are spirits of the earth come to exact their vengeance.


And here is the first page of my novel, just to entice you:

Chapter 1: Strange Summer
The first thing they heard was the barn roof being torn off.

“Jon! Jon! We’ve got to get the animals out now!” Jonathan’s father yelled as he ran out of the house.

Jonathan sprinted into the storm. Lightning cracked across the sky, illuminating the fist-sized hail pummeling all their crops. They ran into the barn where the animals were going wild. The pigs were tearing at each other in their madness and the horses were trying to buck down the stall doors. The hail had already killed the chickens.

"Get the cows into the house. It’s the only way to save them,” his father said as he ran to where the horses were bucking at the stall doors.

Jonathan nodded. With numb fingers he struggled to put ropes around their necks. “Heeya!” he yelled above the cackling wind and thunder, and slapped their sides. They didn’t budge. He pulled with all his might, but they merely groaned in their agony.

"Jonathan, try again,” His mother shouted as she ran up and threw her shoulder against their hindquarters.

“Merthenna, get back into the house!” His father yelled from the stalls.

Crack.

They saw the bolt strike just outside the door and felt the air come alive with fire. The wind shot through the barn. Another strip of the roof flew off, and the wind took it, spinning it out into the night sky. The pigs screamed as they rammed themselves against their pens, and one of the horses finally kicked down the door just as Silas dove out of the way. The horse ran straight out of the barn and into the darkness.

Jonathan’s father got up and limped over to Jonathan and his mother. “Are you alright?” he shouted.

They nodded as he grabbed one of the ropes from Jonathan, and the men pulled while Merthenna pushed. The cows jumped then ran forward. They drove the two cows through the hail and the wind, through the lightning and thunder. Just as the last of the barn roof ripped off, the family drove them straight into their house.

Payitforward,

I'd be glad to have a look. PM and I'll send you email personal email. I can give you the feedback by Wed or Thurs if you send it today.

payitforward
03-21-2008, 10:56 PM
Dear All:

Well, I'm still on the search for beta readers. I revised my query up on the first post to see if it makes it more interesting for you to read! I'll most gladly return the favor. I'm on spring break now, so I've got the time!

Thanks!