A Question, an Open Letter, and a Proverbial Headdesk

I try to stay out of this board, but I had to put this here because I'm going nuts. (If you don't want to read the letter and just go to the question, scroll to the very bottom of the post, please.)



Dear Policeman,

You drive car 9, I think. It's hard to tell while I'm driving because I'm too busy trying to avoid taking out any more Dish Network vans. But, sometimes, when Mom is driving and I'm tuning out her constant complaining, I see you slip from the Drag On Motors parking lot and tail drivers. It's eerie how you manage to move that squad car so smoothly into traffic. It's as if you were a predatory fish darting for your prey.

And what is your prey? Butts.

Why, why, why do you tail people down the road? Do you think they're going to speed up and make an easy ticket for you? Do you have this fascination with bumper stickers or license plates? What is it? I'm going nuts here! I could understand if you were sidling up to female drivers and watching their boobies bounce or something, but the end of the vehicle?

I think you suffer daily from what I believe is called a Freudian slip. You like butts. You're ashamed to admit it. Yet, there's a subconscious part of you that pursues butts. Lately, you seem to have taken a liking to SUV butts, which means Mom and I see you in the rearview quite often now.

I believe in assisting police officers whenever possible, so here's what I am going to do. The next time I see you tailing me, I will sneakily unbuckle my seat belt, climb to the very back of the SUV, then pop the hatch. I'm going to wave at you, Mr. Policeman, so you can see me.

Then I am going to moon you.

I hope, by doing this, you will get your fix of butts and ticket-writing. I imagine the ticket would be quite an expensive one. It won't make Mom happy, but if it gets you to stop tailing people, it'll all be worth it.

Sincerely,

Riley L. E.




I don't understand why a policeman would tail drivers so much. Isn't that harrassment? Do I have legitimate grounds for complaint for this behavior? Is this standard? I haven't seen this in the few big cities I've been to, so I don't see why it'd be in a small, spit town. . .

Thanks for the input everyone. I guess I'm just going to have to put up with it (or detour). Mom and I have considered tailing a cop, but we're afraid we'll get arrested for stalking or something. That's something I'd like to explain to the judge: "Well, see, judge, the cop was tailing me and I just thought he deserved a taste of his own medicine. . ."

Anyway, to answer your question, Devil, I avoid this forum because it intimidates me. All the posts have so many answers to them! It feels chaotic to me. I guess I'll get used to it as I relax and blend in with the scenery. (Oh, and thanks for explaining the Freudian Slip concept to me. I've never completely understood it 'til now.)