Family-Related Question - What would you do?

Status
Not open for further replies.

Star

So cool I am
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
373
Reaction score
46
Location
New York
Greetings Fellow Writers,

Okay, so here's a hypothetical:
You have two younger half-siblings who were raised with their father. You are ten years older than them. They both have a child between them. You have no children. You have made minimal attempts to get closer to them by paying occassional visits just to test the waters. You feel distance because you didn't grow up close, but you're trying to remedy that.

However, the only time you ever hear from them is when there's a birthday party or a baby shower, which of course, requires gifts. You've already had a talk with them about the idea of calling you just to see how you're doing - to no avail. So the question is: Would you continue to attend their parties and participate in gift-giving if this is all you'll ever get out of the relationship?
 

Devil Ledbetter

Come on you stranger, you legend,
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 8, 2007
Messages
9,767
Reaction score
3,936
Location
you martyr and shine.
They both have a child between them.
:Wha:

You mean they each have a child?

I hate babyshowers. Boooooring. But babies are scrumptious and fun to buy gifts for. And these babies are family, whether you're close to the parents or not. I've done shower duty for my cousins' girlfriends, and these are cousins 15 years younger than I am and I can barely remember their names.

Now that they've each had a kid, aren't you off the hook anyway? I've always heard it was the height of greed and rudeness to throw oneself a babyshower (or allow anyone else to host one) for second and third kids, because presumably one already has the nursery accoutrements. The only time it's acceptable is if it's a first child for the husband (as in remarriage) or more than 10 years has passed since the last birth, so that the pre-owned baby gear is either hopelessly out of date or given away.
 
Last edited:

DeleyanLee

Writing Anarchist
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 6, 2007
Messages
31,660
Reaction score
11,407
Location
lost among the words
It's a hard question because relationships require more than just one person's effort.

I've had something of the same thing in real life--I'm separated from my younger sisters by years and life attitudes. There was a time when my kids were young that I made an effort to keep in touch with them (they didn't have kids at the time) since I told my kids about my growing up and thought they should get to know my sisters. My attempts were blown off consistently and they told that I was only in the market for cheap babysitters. I finally gave it up because anything that happened happened because >I< put myself and my family out to accommodate them. After a while, I reassessed the situation and decided it wasn't really worth the emotional strain to retain that familial bond.

Some years later, when they started having kids, they started making overtures to me and mine. Again, though, I was supposed to make all the concessions so we could get together. And, yeah, they were looking for cheap baby-sitting. When I blew them off, I got called every variant of b**** possible (I smiled and thanked them for noticing), but it all boiled down to the fact that I wasn't getting enough for all the energy I was expending on the relationship and I wasn't going to be guilted into giving more.

People have to get something they want or need out of a relationship to continue it. Just part of human nature. Given your situation, I'd stop putting out the effort without apology and explain only if they notice enough to ask.

But, then, I'm every variant of b**** possible. :D
 

HeronW

Down Under Fan
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 17, 2007
Messages
6,398
Reaction score
1,854
Location
Rishon Lezion, Israel
First off: 'they both have a child between them' sounds like incest. Even if the 2 younger half-sibs are only half-related, it's still way too close for breeding. If you mean they each have a child from separate relationships, I'm more comfortable.

If all they (parents & kids) see in the older sib/aunt/uncle is a source of money and gifts, that's bad. One way to test that is bringing a gift with less $ spent in it, or better yet, say: I gave $ to your 'insert fav charity' here, in your name. Under 4 years old, the child won't know the difference, if there's a good rapport the child will enjoy seeing their aunt/uncle. If the child is older, that might be tough to explain the 'no gifts' but taking them to a movie or a local fair, museum trip, art show could work for together time. If the parent badmouths the oldersib/ aunt/ uncle then no amount of gifts will make it better. It's hard to keep in touch when the parent poisons the child's mind, but when the child gets older, in the teens, there may be a chance to salvage the relationship.
 

A. Hamilton

here for a minute...catch me?
Kind Benefactor
Poetry Book Collaborator
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 21, 2005
Messages
4,594
Reaction score
2,257
Location
N. Cali
don't get discouraged, it takes a while to establish sibling relationships as adults.
assuming you live in the same city, I'd extend regular invitations to them, to my house for BBQ's, game nights, outings, etc. call them regularly just to chit chat. pop by their house some afternoon and bring coffee and ice cream. get their email addy's and build communication that way.
new parents raising small kids stay pretty busy and most of their energy is centered on the kid. how cool to have an older sibling show interest. I'd bet they do invite you to include you, (not just for gifts,) because they probably don't have time for much else or maybe just feel awkward because there's only a small connection at this point. (I know I never ever invited an adult I didn't care for to one of my children's parties.) also, they may think that inviting a childless person to hang out with kids might be
unappealing.
if this is important to you, keep at it. send them the message that you want them in your life by making situations where they can be. the connection will grow through the years.
 

Star

So cool I am
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
373
Reaction score
46
Location
New York
Thanks for your input, guys.

p.s. I guess I need remedial English. I meant to say that they each have a child.
 

A. Hamilton

here for a minute...catch me?
Kind Benefactor
Poetry Book Collaborator
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 21, 2005
Messages
4,594
Reaction score
2,257
Location
N. Cali
just realized I didn't really answer your actual question.
So the question is: Would you continue to attend their parties and participate in gift-giving if this is all you'll ever get out of the relationship?
if I wanted them in my life, yes.
(guess the point of my earlier post is that it's a two way street and may be up to you to create other situations for contact)
 

TrainofThought

A flowering bud of bitchiness
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2006
Messages
6,179
Reaction score
6,835
Location
Land of Bier
Website
www.authordenisebaer.com
Greetings Fellow Writers,

Okay, so here's a hypothetical:
You have two younger half-siblings who were raised with their father. You are ten years older than them. They both have a child between them. You have no children. You have made minimal attempts to get closer to them by paying occassional visits just to test the waters. You feel distance because you didn't grow up close, but you're trying to remedy that.

However, the only time you ever hear from them is when there's a birthday party or a baby shower, which of course, requires gifts. You've already had a talk with them about the idea of calling you just to see how you're doing - to no avail. So the question is: Would you continue to attend their parties and participate in gift-giving if this is all you'll ever get out of the relationship?
I would definitely discontinue attending parties. People in your life, married or single, should care about you at all times. If you feel your life isn't important to them, cut them off, because it only builds into a stronger emotion. This is my opinion. I wish you luck.
 

CaroGirl

Living the dream
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
8,368
Reaction score
2,327
Location
Bookstores
My answer is that it depends on your needs. What do you need to get out a relationship with them? If you get fulfillment simply out of staying in touch and seeing them occasionally (even though only at gift-giving occasions), I'd definitely keep it up. If you require that they to do more for you, like call more frequently or whatever, it sounds like you'll be disappointed in them.

Decide what your expectations are and if things don't go the way you need them to go, consider severing the ties.
 

Red-Green

KoalaKoalaKoala!
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 21, 2007
Messages
4,392
Reaction score
3,782
Location
At the publishing party, whacking the piñata
Website
www.bryngreenwood.com
Um, Libby, is that you? Seriously, Star, you're describing to the letter the situation my sister and I have. We have two half sisters, ten years younger, raised apart from us. They each have a kid, and we only get invited for gift-giving situations.

We debated this and finally decided we really want to know our nieces and nephews, so we keep going and we keep bringing gifts. I guess we see it this way: eventually those kids will be people in their own right and they can form their own relationship with their aunts, who are pretty darn cool. ;)
 

Star

So cool I am
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
373
Reaction score
46
Location
New York
LOL
Hey Redzilla, I guess we're sisters in spirit!

The thing is, I didn't get my multimillion dollar book deal yet, and I resent having to dig in my pockets when I barely treat myself. I don't believe in giving cheap gifts, so I'd rather not give at all. "The thought that counts" is for the olden days. Nowadays, it's plum embarrassing to watch everyone give carriages and carseats and I'm giving crayons (figuratively speaking).

Here's one more example of the disappointment I'm experiencing:
My younger sister just got her first apartment. YAY! I receive a general text (sent to everyone) about the news. BOO! No personal invitation to see the place, but I bet if she were having a housewarming, my name would be on her email list. Sigh.
 

Siddow

I'm super! Thanks for asking
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 2, 2006
Messages
2,719
Reaction score
2,056
Location
GA
LOL
Here's one more example of the disappointment I'm experiencing:
My younger sister just got her first apartment. YAY! I receive a general text (sent to everyone) about the news. BOO! No personal invitation to see the place, but I bet if she were having a housewarming, my name would be on her email list. Sigh.

You know, you don't have to wait to be invited to give a gift. You can just give one because you're happy for her having her own place, instead of selfishly thinking, hey, why don't I get a special email?
 

escritora

.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2007
Messages
2,995
Reaction score
616
So the question is: Would you continue to attend their parties and participate in gift-giving if this is all you'll ever get out of the relationship?

If your nieces and nephews are young, perhaps it's a good idea to be there for their special moments (birthdays or whatever). They can't be held responsible for their parents actions. As they grow older, a bond may develop and that's definately worth the effort (at least that's how I see it)
 

jennifer75

SupahStah!
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 4, 2007
Messages
2,558
Reaction score
3,228
Location
So Cal
If your nieces and nephews are young, perhaps it's a good idea to be there for their special moments (birthdays or whatever). They can't be held responsible for their parents actions. As they grow older, a bond may develop and that's definately worth the effort (at least that's how I see it)

this is true. good point. and u can hope that it will only piss off your half siblings that their children adore you. :)
 

escritora

.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2007
Messages
2,995
Reaction score
616
and u can hope that it will only piss off your half siblings that their children adore you.

LOL...that wasn't what I was thinking. That's too funny.
 

Star

So cool I am
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
373
Reaction score
46
Location
New York
Siddow, of course I'm happy for her. But if you read my lines above, you'd understand that my sister NEVER calls me. The one time she initiated a call was to ask for pledge money for her soriority. :(
 

johnnysannie

Banned
Joined
Feb 22, 2005
Messages
3,857
Reaction score
435
Location
Tir Na Og
Website
leeannsontheimermurphywriterauthor.blogspot.com
Coming from a large extended family with our share of half and step relationships, my personal take would be to provide nice (but not necessarily expensive) gifts for your half sibs children but not to them since they are now adults and parents.

Relationships should not be based on gifts alone but small children are not able to speak for themselves so if it was me, I would give the little ones gifts.
 

JoNightshade

has finally arrived
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 29, 2007
Messages
7,153
Reaction score
4,137
Website
www.ramseyhootman.com
My question in this situation is, why do you feel like they are the ones who have to invite you over? If I were the older half-sibling (actually I'm the younger by 12 years) I would take the initiative to have them and the kidlets over for dinner.

Personally, I was raised apart from my older half-sister, and I would not want to bug her because she has her own life completely separate from mine. We've never had a relationship. But did she get an invitation to my wedding? Yes, because she's still my family. However, I would not have been insulted if she didn't come.

But if she invited me somewhere? I'd be thrilled.
 

Star

So cool I am
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
373
Reaction score
46
Location
New York
My only point is that throughout the years I've only been contacted when they are in need. My last example. The older of the two hadn't called me or saw me in months (I was busy stressing over my manuscript deadline.) Lo! I get a call from her asking me to co-sign on a loan. No!

I'd prefer not to hear from them at all if this is the ONLY reason I get called. I don't want to get into further details. Just know that I'm not looking for a pat on the head; I just want a two-way relationship. If that can't be the case, oh well, I'll live.
 

BlueTexas

Back from self-exile land.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 21, 2005
Messages
1,159
Reaction score
220
Location
Aledo, TX
My husband and his step-brother are like this. Ex-step-brother really, but we see him at Christmas, sometimes other holidays.

My example is from the opposite POV of yours, Star. Step-brother tries, husband has no interest. I wish they'd be friends, but there's water under that bridge and past dynamics are an issue too, and as long as they are, step-brother can try all he wants and it won't make a difference.

Think back, maybe your answer in how to deal with it lies there.
 

Priene

Out to lunch
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 25, 2007
Messages
6,422
Reaction score
879
Greetings Fellow Writers,

Okay, so here's a hypothetical:
You have two younger half-siblings who were raised with their father. You are ten years older than them. They both have a child between them. You have no children. You have made minimal attempts to get closer to them by paying occassional visits just to test the waters. You feel distance because you didn't grow up close, but you're trying to remedy that.

However, the only time you ever hear from them is when there's a birthday party or a baby shower, which of course, requires gifts. You've already had a talk with them about the idea of calling you just to see how you're doing - to no avail. So the question is: Would you continue to attend their parties and participate in gift-giving if this is all you'll ever get out of the relationship?

I'll let you into a secret: children love presents, parents hate them. If they're typical families, your siblings are probably surreptitiously tipping used toys into black bags and taking them to charity shops. The only reason the parents care about present-giving is they show that you care about your nephews/nieces. If buying presents bugs you, try imagining the ridiculous, mind-numbing cost of actually having children.

Your siblings probably don't even want the birthday parties anyway. They do it because that's one more thing parents are expected to provide for their children. The children come first in absolutely everything. The first few years of child-rearing are unbelievably intense: this is the time when marriages are most likely to break down. They don't call you? They're probably just trying to get on with each other. My wife and I have no baby-sitter. We haven't had a night out together in a year. No restaurants, theatres, cinemas, pubs, gigs. Nothing.

So if you're looking for a two-way relationship, right now you won't get it. Neither will anyone else. At that age, every relationship points towards the children. Everything else is secondary, including you.

When you were young, were there some aunts or uncles who took the time to play with you, and others who didn't? How do you remember them now? The good ones probably felt put-upon as well, but they cared for you anyway. Because you're family. Caring flows down the generations. If you give your time to those children now, you're paying back the relatives who cared for you when you were young.

You have a choice: support your siblings in the knowledge that things will improve. Children grow up quickly, and the first few years are the worst. Or you can cut out on them. Your siblings won't forget it and probably won't forgive you. Oh, and your nephews/nieces will grow up as strangers.
 

JoNightshade

has finally arrived
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 29, 2007
Messages
7,153
Reaction score
4,137
Website
www.ramseyhootman.com
My only point is that throughout the years I've only been contacted when they are in need. My last example. The older of the two hadn't called me or saw me in months (I was busy stressing over my manuscript deadline.) Lo! I get a call from her asking me to co-sign on a loan. No!

You think it's bad with family? This is how 90% of my FRIENDSHIPS work. :) I am the "emergency go-to person." I hear from my friends if:

- They broke up with a boyfriend
- They flooded their apartment
- Their sibling wants to commit suicide
- Someone attempted to rape them
- They quit their job
- They need someone to take them to the ER

Etc. etc. It used to irritate me, but eventually I realized that people see me as the solid, dependable person they can rely on. I'm not the person you call to go shopping or dancing or whatever... I'm the person you call in an emergency. And actually, I now feel that it's my honor to be that sort of friend. I don't care about all the other nonsense. I care about being there when people need me.

Anyway in general I've learned that if you want to have a relationship with someone, the only way you can do that is by being persistent. Rather than expecting them to call or put out the effort, put that expectation on yourself. (This works well in marriage too, BTW.) Being angry when my friends didn't call me for months on end never got me anywhere. But picking up the phone and calling THEM did.
 

Star

So cool I am
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
373
Reaction score
46
Location
New York
I hear you, and I have put myself out there more than once, twice, three times...I'm just getting tired. Remember, we're not just talking about the kids. We're talking about cosign and pledge requests. I'm not rich yet, not even well off, so I resent the expectation. That's all.

Thank you for your feedback everyone. I'm off to brood and complete my synopsis! Have a great Friday! :)
 

TrainofThought

A flowering bud of bitchiness
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2006
Messages
6,179
Reaction score
6,835
Location
Land of Bier
Website
www.authordenisebaer.com
I'll let you into a secret: children love presents, parents hate them. If they're typical families, your siblings are probably surreptitiously tipping used toys into black bags and taking them to charity shops. The only reason the parents care about present-giving is they show that you care about your nephews/nieces. If buying presents bugs you, try imagining the ridiculous, mind-numbing cost of actually having children.

Your siblings probably don't even want the birthday parties anyway. They do it because that's one more thing parents are expected to provide for their children. The children come first in absolutely everything. The first few years of child-rearing are unbelievably intense: this is the time when marriages are most likely to break down. They don't call you? They're probably just trying to get on with each other. My wife and I have no baby-sitter. We haven't had a night out together in a year. No restaurants, theatres, cinemas, pubs, gigs. Nothing.

So if you're looking for a two-way relationship, right now you won't get it. Neither will anyone else. At that age, every relationship points towards the children. Everything else is secondary, including you.

When you were young, were there some aunts or uncles who took the time to play with you, and others who didn't? How do you remember them now? The good ones probably felt put-upon as well, but they cared for you anyway. Because you're family. Caring flows down the generations. If you give your time to those children now, you're paying back the relatives who cared for you when you were young.

You have a choice: support your siblings in the knowledge that things will improve. Children grow up quickly, and the first few years are the worst. Or you can cut out on them. Your siblings won't forget it and probably won't forgive you. Oh, and your nephews/nieces will grow up as strangers.
WOW! Must be why I've cut many married people out of my life, and when they've tried to come back - NO WAY!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.