View Full Version : Compilations

02-17-2008, 06:34 AM
Now and then, some threads have a great following and the results of the efforts of the participants are delightful. Recently, while under the weather with the flu, I thought it would be fun to see just how many limericks we completed. Okay, so mega-doses of pain killers and high fevers can do strange things to a person's sense of propriety.

Anyway, I did it. And, I was astounded. Since the very first limerick game was begun back in June, 2004, some 1624 verses recognizable as limerics have been completed. Pat yourselves on the back!

I will paste in my compilations, then close this thread. If you have ideas for other compilations, please, feel free to PM me.

(who is now mostly all better)

02-17-2008, 06:39 AM
[This is the original Limerick thread in the Watercooler, began June 1, 2004, by MacAllister Stone, who, I'm sure, had no clue then that she would one day own this place. The completed limericks along with a smattering of commentary are presented here for your enjoyment. The original thread is in the Office Party as Limericks are like Potato Chips... (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3987).

MacAl Stone:
I've just recently discovered the joy of this--and somehow it's much more fun done as a group effort--not to mention I'm just not smart enough to make up very many of them alone.
So if you love a limerick, jump write in with a line of your own!

One night at a tawdry casino...

One night at a tawdry casino
A waitress spilled gallons of vino
Said the dealer in black,
"Now put it all back"
"We'll serve it to patrons of Keno"

MacAl Stone: ooooooh...you folks are gonna be good at this, I can already tell!

A charming young lassie from Barstow
Broke the heart of a laddie from Glasgow
When she scoffed at his kilt
He was ticked, to the hilt...
But his kilt still showed hilt from his love-glow.

I rode a jackass named DeWayne
through the house of my ex-wife Elaine
she had it coming, 'cause
A lousy cook, she was.
And never at home to complain!

There once was a monkey from Boston
Who asked how much peanuts were costin'
And whenever he ate
He would gripe to his mate,
"Chewing nuts without teeth is exhausting."

Whatever became of Buck Rogers?
And where now is our own Duck Dodgers?
These heroes from space
We somehow replace
With senile and cooty ol' codgers.

There once was a man with no hair
Not even his eyebrows were there
He picked up some wool
Gave a twist and a pull
And crafted a wig a la Cher

Deep in the mountains of Tennessee
A man was attacked by killer bees
He seized a jar of honey
Said, "Man, this ain't funny"
And glued all the bees to the trees.

There once was a bad dirty joke
That not even Larry Flynt spoke.
It cited a miner,
a booth in a diner
the miner was a dirtier bloke

Two lads fought for the hand of a lass
They threw T-shirts and socks made of glass
Some filled with liquor
But here was the kicker:
Neither knew of her great sass.

I once was awarded a kumquat
For nothing more than getting my thumb caught
In the fork of a tree
While extending one knee
The cause? I have no idea what.

I once was awarded a kumquat
For nothing more than getting my thumb caught
In the fork of a tree
While extending one knee
Was the prize well deserved? I say somewhat.

While sipping a vodka martini
I studied a purple bikini
It really was tiny
And I felt a bit whiny
'Cause my figure ain't long since looked eeny.

A couple of trout in a creek
Saw a lure all shiny and sleek
Said the one to the other
"I think that my mother
Passed on when she– Don't bite it! EEK!"

Tex started to paint his front bedroom
then swept up the dirt with a wet bloom
In the corner he found
an elf spinning around
Guess he shouldn't have eaten that mushroom!

The flavor of cherry tomatoes
Showed up in the bowl of potatoes
If it weren't for the meat
They'd have nothing to eat
Except for the snack mix Gar-day-ttos

As I dug and I hoed in my garden
The ol' arteries began to harden
I yelled for a nurse
and asked for my purse
and read up on God's rules for a pardon.

Don't ask me the price of insurance
My wrecks are a common occurrence
Just this morning while heading
To my ex boyfriend's wedding
I ran over the blushing bride's parents (?) - urance was hard!

A young fellow named Q.Tarantino
who wears clothes made by Valentino
Read a stunning new script
'Bout a girl and her whip
Then danced in a tub of maraschino.

Ol' Sam said he never would marry
"The prospect," said he,"is too scary.
Although marital bliss
With the right little Miss
Surely would not be quite so hairy.

I've eaten three pounds of salami
Piled atop of a pound of pastrami
On the Atkins diet
All I do is fry it
It creates in my gut a tsunami

A brilliant young lad from Missoula
was trying to learn how to hula
But he threw out his hip
while grabbing a tip
and fell right on top of Miss Sula

A man, a mouse and a chimpanzee
Decided to make their gang of three
into a four-some
By invitin' their chum
the clarinet playing, black donkey

An old man in a town far away
Made his home in a barn full of hay
he snuffled and wheezed
and repeatedly sneezed
He bought some Clariton on Ebay

A girl in a sequined dress said,
"I think that I should have invested
In satin for a beau
Too bad I didn't know
I'll go shopping again when I've rested."

A very methodical plumber
worked on a pipe that was a hummer
At the end of the day
with his tools put away
at Kit Kat club he was the drummer

As James Bond stirred up his Martini,
a chick in a teeny bikini
Said, "I've always heard
you like shaken, not stirred."
With a really big cocktail weenie.

There once was a hobbit named Sam
who loved a cake made of big fat yam
Said Gollum, "Pee-yew!
I'd much rather eat hobbit stew."
So he passed on the cake and had Sam.

There once was a hobbit named Sam
who fancied green eggs and blue ham
Said Frodo, "That's sick
But I'll try just a lick
It still must be better than Spam!

A cocky young lad from Regina
Took a trip to the Great Wall of China
With chopsticks in hand,
and an expression so bland
He freed his Regulus satrata

A cocky young lad from Regina
Took a trip to the Great Wall of China
With chopsticks in hand,
and an expression so bland
He then had an attack of angina.

An elph who resided in Guelph
was in need of some mental help
his psyche was not...
from the practical lot
but he had a good time by himself

You need a line with nine beats
Far worse than all things done by Keats
you'll find if you rhyme
2-2-1, you'll be prime
And on your way to great writing feats!

In a bar on the bad side of town
sat a man in a red sequined gown
He winked and he flirted
Having just been converted
Still parts his knees while sitting down

There once was a wizard named Gandalf
Whose lesser known brother named Randolph
Turned boys into toads
That hopped over roads
And said "I'd rather be playing golf"

An old lady who lived on the corner
Said, "If you-alls keeps blowin' your horner,
I'll pluck up my ears
and murder my dears
then we'll have to call in the cor'ner.

There was an old hag in a burrow
Who admitted she wasn't so thorough
At cleaning her house
'Cause she found a dead mouse
right next to her Halloween scarecrow.

There once was a dancer named Bud
He sank to the floor with a thud
and groaned, "Man, I can't dance
any more in these pants,
they're meant for a stick-in-the-mud!"

A girl from the south part of France
Ended up with Bud's underpants.
She said, "These should be
burned immediately!
And now, I need eyeball transplants!"

When McDonald was down on the farm,
He installed a new burglar alarm
The mice chewed the wires
Which quelled their desires
'Least that's what he told the gendarme.

One day my old ma cleaned her room
And then booked a flight to Khartoum
because she found money
She didn't take her honey
therefore now my old ma's in her tomb.

A selkie was eating a boy
when she heard sailor Jim shout, "Ahoy!
Won't you want beer with that?"
She said, "But I'm fat!"
Sailor Jim said, "That's half of the joy!"

The trouble with handsome Roberto
Was that as he played the concerto
the girls mobbed the stage -
he was all the rage -
and he had to leave that hall Allegro

I love eating pork-rinds and tripe,
anchovies and matza and snipe
Bananas, taquitos,
Corn, catfish, and Fritos,
and small green persimmons (unripe).

There was a composer named Mozart
Who came home one night in a pushcart
When he fell into bed
was ready to get fed
He dreamed of nothing but cream tart

There was a composer named Mozart
Who came home one night in a pushcart
He started writing a score
his fingers became so sore
His knuckles crackled like an old fart

The trouble with handsome Roberto
was always his crazy libido
Yes, he loved the girls
As a hunter loves squirrels
He rounded them up, said, "Perfecto!"

The trouble with handsome Roberto
was always his crazy libido
Yes, he loved the girls
He always gave them pearls
he made them wear only stilettos

When Mickey Mouse yelled "Halleluia!"
Minnie gave the Marine bellow, "HOO-AH!
I joined the Marines,
and you know what that means -
Ended up in Hawaii dancin' hula. :snoopy

When Mickey Mouse yelled "Halleluia!"
Minnie gave the Marine bellow, "HOO-AH!
I joined the Marines,
and you know what that means -
No, I'm afraid I don't - do ya?"

When Mickey Mouse yelled "Halleluia!",
his neighbors replied, "Did we fool ya?
We were out on the town
When we saw your red gown,
And thought you looked great. Cool, huh?"

The Breakfast Club, a motley teen group,
Shouted out an unforeseen whoop
'Cause they found a dead fly
In a raw pumpkin pie...
and decided they ought to make soup

When Bill Gates is counting his money,
his mother keeps telling him, "Honey,
if you'd make things that work,
clients won't go berserk
and end-users won't look at you funny."

When Barb lets Bud comes out and dance,
she doesn't require any pants,
But he MUST wear his hat -
there are laws about that -
They're enforced by Barb's old maiden aunts.

I dreamed I became a brain surgeon
My career was beginning to burgeon
Till a chorus of nurses
who offered me curses
squelched my career just emergin'

Surfboards and sailboats are just neato
when you ride the waves with Judge Ito
But if you fall off the board
Then you will have scored
a chance to date Danny Devito

A man and a woman said, "Kiddo,
Your hula hoop spins 'round your middo.
If you can refrain (original meter restored; it was correct)
from dancing in rain, (meter adjusted here)
You'll be quite the gymnast, though litto."

A window sash said to a door,
"This home decor is such a bore!
I'd rather go naked!
More paint? I can't take it!"
And Christopher Lowell makes me snore!

My guy took me out for some sushi
The fish, they were crispy, not mooshy
I drank too much sake
my date got too cocky
passed out on the couch, it's not cushy

The rioting rabble ran reckless,
the riot control cops were feckless,
they took their battons
and with some croutons
Made a dazzling, edible necklace.

There once was a best selling author
Who lived with her muhther and fawther
She wished for a life
Free from worry and strife
With the good things her royalties bought her.

An oyster once said to a clam,
"I can't open, oh I'm in a jam!"
The clam said, "You're jamming?
That's better than spamming
I heard it one day from a ham."

This writer's board's gone very curious.
The humor can be quite injurious!
Have you seen Background Check?
The Beware part is beck [ok, but it rhymes...:rollin ]
and the PA folks still are all furious!

Jenna's back from her honeymoon trip
Lovely weather -- it never did drip.
With spelunking and fishing,
hot-tubbing and wishing
that she could give us all the slip!

Two new moderators - Oh, boy!
Two gents full of humor - Oh joy!
The one is quite fishy
The other is dishy
So now let's all go and annoy! (Them :ha )

A writer once went to New York
Where he found himself a new fork
Made of papier-mache
And ten ounces of clay
So that, eating, he looked like a dork.

Beware of the double-toothed Smagwid
in bed with the burly man, Hagwid
They make quite a pair
reading Dr. Seuss there
and eating pork rinds and a Dagwid.

A rejection slip came in the mail
I'm putting my house up for sale
And leaving this town
but bringing the clown
then moved to the shore with Sam the whale

A nun in a barn was crocheting
when she overheard two horses saying,
"Meow," and "Bark, bark!"
So she fled to the park
Where now she spends every day praying

A toga's a marvelous garment.
It covers up many a varmint
You wrap it around
and it reaches the ground
where it tends to collect all the floor lint.

I sat in the window seat thinking
And outside a young man passed, winking
He pulled down his... sleeves
(That's what Maestro believes)
Depending on what he's been drinking

That shirt is quite flowered and scarlet
His wife bought it here at the market
Plus a pair of beige shorts
Much too binding for sports
So he made shirt and shorts into carpet.

When the weather is so dark and gloomy,
I put on a robe that's quite roomy,
I schlep through the house
annoying my spouse -
he'd rather see something costume-y!

It's finally stopped raining outside
So I think I shall go for a ride
I rev up my bike
in lieu of a hike
And go zooming and zinging, astride

A lesson most painfully paid for
is "Wear only clothes you are made for" -
Feather boas for men
or snake-skin for hens
won't produce the "new look" that you prayed for.

While I tangoed and waltzed in the dark,
I dreamed I was meeting Dick Clark
He danced in the buff
and I yelled, "Stop! Enough!
I don't need to see your weird birthmark!"

Betty W01:
Have you noticed these limericks decline
by the time someone adds the last line?
They may start out cheesy,
but they turn into sleazy,
so I thought I'd do one that's all mine.

While I tangoed and waltzed in the dark,
I dreamed I was meeting Dick Clark
He danced in the buff
With his faithful dog, Ruff
The three of us had quite a lark.

When the elephant turned up for lunch,
and the Eel asked for mango and punch,
the waitress said, "Please,
would you get off the frieze?"
The lion ate her with a loud crunch

The sad kangaroo is now shedding,
the fur is all over his bedding,
and his clothes and his rug,
and his favorite mug
(the one with the pix from his wedding).

A trampoline would be such fun
Oh, to bounce up and down in the sun!
Beware, 30-somethings:
Watch out how your bum swings
It's not as if you're twenty-one!

My best friend's new beau looks like Yeti
with a passionate taste for spaghetti
There's hair in the pasta
She'll have to say, "Hasta!"
then grab her red shoe and run with Betty

With pudding in place we can wrestle
First we need gallons of espresso
And a whole crowd of fans
sad clowns in a van
We'll set it all up on a trestle!

I fear I feel deadlines a-looming
but outside the flowers are blooming
The bees and the birds
keep confounding my words
And my cat's on my paper, a-grooming.

I find manuscripts have a way of
Alienating the people that I love
Lovers turning up dead
From the words that they've read
Though I warned them: "My papers! Just stay off!"

My computer is no longer working,
I am neither posting nor lurking
I rediscover sports
the well-baked joy of tortes --
and my spouse? Well, you might see him smirking.

A writer of books said to me
"Would you like to come in and see
my story, four-legged?
Just leave it or take it!"
I said, "We don't have to shag, do we?"

I wrote a short book in Sumatra
Now they're after me--it's called a fatwa
It's all about fishing
For terrorists (missing)
when singing the blues with Sinatra

I tripped and I fell on my nanny.
She said "Mercy me, it's uncanny
how children are clumsy!"
Soon she knocked over Mumsie
I'd like to see her whipped on her fanny

Orlando Bloom loves our own Spookie
He gave her a rose and a cookie
And a signed photograph
For a buck and a half
But it did not provide him with nookie.

"Why," she said, "does it seem to just happen
That a song sets my toes all a-tappin'?"
It's Elvis with his pelvis
Or that Santa with his el-ves
I simply cannot stop my clappin'!

My daughter's now playing her cello,
a tune both expressive and mellow,
for all the she's squeaking -
the havoc she's wreaking -
I must lure her away with some jello!

Frick and Frack took a trip to the pool
Sucked their guts in so that they'd look cool
but all the girls giggled
at parts that still jiggled
Now Frick and Frack diet on gruel.

Two badgers, a deer, and a bat
Had dinner with Howard the cat
and then, for dessert,
Ate a mongoose named Bert
and an elephant wearing a hat.

When the leaves start to turn in the fall
I stand near my garden's stone wall
and breath in the air
so winey and rare,
The trees overhead like a hall.

A library's a good place to be
Because they don't charge any fee
and they don't see to care
if you nearly live there,
devouring all that you see.

The smileys on here are so funny
I love them when my nose is runny
Or when I'm just sad
They make me feel glad
Like petting a warm, fuzzy bunny

I've heard it said Mac is pure evil
and fearless like Evel Knievel
She brings out her whip
BUT makes yummy clam dip
that's made of real maggots and weevils

A teenager told Mac, "You devil,
I can't go outside all disheveled."
From Mac's closet, teen took
a rather sharp meat hook
to make sure her hair was all leveled.

Our Macster's become a big sister
To a girl with a car load of misters
If Mac took my advice
She'd take off in a trice
before teen turns her into a twister

Now Maestro is handsome and dashing
(Delusion comes burning and crashing)
If it weren't for his mirror
and Spook (we all fear her)
Bugs and fangs-my, but they're smashing!

It's way too much fun to be legal
flying kites, riding high like a seagull
up, up in the air
don't mess up my hair
Hey! I'm not your doghouse-top beagle!

The over-wrought writer sat thinking
with a bottle of bourbon, for drinking
He pondered his proses
And scratched his noses
a three-headed horse flew by winking

The over-wrought writer sat thinking
with a bottle of bourbon, for drinking
He pondered his proses
And scratched his noses
As he sat in his bathroom -- well, stinking.

A ghost in its snow-white pajamas
Wrote a book and became quite famas
On a book tour it went
Where our ghost met a gent
And the two rode off on matching llamas

Today I conversed with my cat
'Bout whether photos should be glossy or matte
All she'd say was "Meow!"
But she did show me how
I could look sleek in photos, not fat.

Chat rooms can be such a pain
When the newbies are given free rein
Arrogant? No,
self-assured! Not absurd.
How else are they going to gain?

Will I write a synopsis so fair
That no one can call it hot air?
Five hundred words tops
Without gestures or props
and cross out all the verbs on a dare

It's solid, [as] solid as a rock
Or a safe with a great big huge lock
I don't mean my tummy-
You great big dummy
I mean my head-it's like a block!!

I can't keep my flowers from dying
I can't keep the orphans from crying
I can't sing a song
or hold you for long
Without, in each case, really trying.

Can you guess what I found in my sandwich?
A bona fide, certified man witch
Shrunk to dill-pickle size
In my mayo he lies
And complains in intemperate language.

I'd kill for a big plate of pasta
There's no entrée course I eat faster
With lots of meatballs
Spiced up till it scalds
Then later, the oil of the caster.

On a hill overlooking the Rhine
She and I sipped our vintage red wine.
Then she said, "Oh, look, honey!
I'm all out of money."
So I said, "Wiedersehen, mein fraulein."

A missy from Mississippi
Went out and became a crazed hippie
She donned old bellbottoms
and love beads--she got 'em
Left over from old MCMLX.

I bought a new bandsaw on credit
But then accidentally beheaded
My banker, my broker,
that newsguy Al Roker,
and all those who write but can't edit.

If you think you can talk to your goldfish
You're indulging yourself in an old wish,
when really, the truth,
In and outside Duluth,
is who makes the best pizza, deep dish

When stars fell from heaven, we feared
that one would light up CC's beard,
Then we saw it ignite
and it threw so much light
That you wish I'd never been sheared

I once heard that MacAl was Evil
Worse than a famished boweevil (boll weevil?)
More, she shows no remorse
And she eats like a horse
And she's ugly as Evel Knievel.

They say that her real name ain't Reph
cross her and she will give you grief
If she lies about her name
what's the rest of her game?
Besides writing short fiction, in brief!

There's RichMar, ascerbic but witty
But I've heard tell he ain't all that pretty
With his Web site he tinkers
And admonishes stinkers
Who can't tell a tome from a ditty.

Do you know what fish say of eraser?
"He's rather a tireless chaser
Those worms on his hook
And the tips in his book
I hope I don't end up a taster."

When Maestro is cooking a cockroach,
do you want it grilled, steamed, fried or poached?
Or perhaps you like slugs –
On the side, ladybugs –
It depends on your insecteral approach.

A fair-minded man from Kentucky
he thought he was gonna get lucky
When he just struck out
his mind filled with doubt
Alas(s) left him quite rather less plucky

It's quite rabid on Take It Outside
Some folks just can't let conflicts slide
They bait and get baited
Nothing is left unstated
Once or twice, I believe, a thread died.

We play games here at old Office Party
Although some folks are not all that arty.
But we like a good laugh
With a cup of decaf
So now who bit that doughnut (so hearty)?

Without mercy the fellow was callous
When answering phones in the palace
His manner was coarse
He sneered like a horse
And he called his own grandfather Alice.

When blowing my nose, I must wonder
Why put a whole tissue asunder?
Though my schnozz is replete
when fluids accrete
To waste paper is surely a blunder.

The harmonica player's on strike
I just saw him leave on his bike
He was mad as a hatter
You can still hear the clatter
'Cause the yodler took over the mike!

My computer has reached its demise
It imploded in front of my eyes
A puff of dark smoke
Mr. Gates, it's no joke!
My chips have been turned into fries

A writer of doubtful repute
Said 'bout grammar, "I don't give a hoot!
If a comma is missed
"Don't you dare get pissed.
I find rules in language quite moot."

When writers must howl at the moon, they
Must first mix their dog food with spooned whey
and dispute every hoax
(They're so thorough, those folks)
They don't want to spoil their soiree.

An incredulous alien from Mars
Beguiled by eponymous bars
Chose a Snickers instead
Which he smeared on his head
Before flirting with taxis and cars.


Do ghost stories give you the willies?
Like the Spook that haunted the Phillies?
Do they keep you awake
Or are they just fake?
Do you prefer Zeus and Achilles?

I drank of the waters of Evian
And dated a woman named Vivian.
The water was icy,
And Vivian? Pricey!
But alas, she was married to Damion.

Beware, lads and lassies, the jackal!
Watch out for his murderous cackle
He's up to no good
looking for fresh food
He should join Frank with his fishing tackle.

I'm often considered quite crazy
without a doubt I'm also lazy,
A hoodlum, a rascal
Quite like Eddie Haskell
It beats being cute as a daisy!

A girl who grew up in Toronto
must have her huge wedding cake, pronto
Not to mention a groom
And a honeymoon room
With a maid who can speak Esperanto.

The blackbird flew into my bedroom
And lit on my poster of Heidi Klum
It left me a present
That wasn't so pleasant
I wished that it would simply go kaboom!

A monkey once told an elephant
'I'm tired of your being a sycophant
You're a self-serving pachyderm
With a nose like a giant worm
And I wish you'd not call me U Thant.

One day, while fishing for bream
eraser fell into a stream
His waders filled up --
When he walked, they went, "schlupp."
Sorry, Frank, this was only a dream.

I can't do square roots when I'm jogging
Much less work out pi when I'm blogging.
But a well formed hypotenuse
Rejuvenates my writers muse
When the fiction has slowed to a-slogging

I can't do square roots when I'm jogging
Much less work out pi when I'm blogging.
But I truly excel
and it's working out well
That I can paint nails when I'm flogging.

Up, up and away there he goes
lost in clouds of rambling prose
like a kite in the sky
Meter's not for this guy
Still he comes out smelling of rose...

I've lost my best little hanky
which makes me quite a bit cranky
What to do with my snot?
The question makes me distraught.
If ye'd give me a tissue, I'd thankee.

If it weren't for chocolate, I'd lose it
I'd pro'bly be tempted to booze it
No sweetmeat on earth
That enlarges my girth
beats chocolate when I choose it

Taking off on a terrible tangent
With no reason or rhyme a bad man went
He tripped over a moose
Caught his neck in a noose
And fell flat on his face on the pavement.

A bottle of beer in the cupboard
was the downfall of old Mother Hubbard.
She tripped over her dog
While she fed a big hog [metric adjustment]
"No more beer for yours truly," she blubbered.

One morning at quarter to seven
I phoned up somebody named Evan
'It's early!' he cried
'Has somebody died?'
I replied, 'No, but here, it's eleven.'

Though some people surely may think it,
A girl's best friend isn't a trinket.
A back rub, a massage
Bubblebath to assuage
And champagne. A bottle. Just drink it.

If writing becomes a bad habit
Take your pen -- just reach out and grab it!
Then snap it in half
With your evilest laugh,
throw it down and just run like a rabbit!

The hairiest part of the novel
is where the main characters grovel
and beg for their lives
or divorce their wives
and then choke their best friends with felafel.

I had such a horrible nightmare
I was falling, and naked, with blonde hair
Growing out of my ears
And my rent in arrears
I had not a nickel to spare.

There once was a girl from the hills,
Whose mailbox was stuffed full of bills.
"With my rent in arrears
and this hair in my ears,
I find plagiarists to be pills."

There once was a girl from the hills
Whose mailbox was stuffed full of bills.
"I won't pay them," she said,
then she burned them unread,
Along with rich relatives' wills.

I cannot stand mowing the lawn
I like winter when the grass is all gone
But then comes the spring time,
when weeds are at their prime
And I start each day mowing at dawn.

There once was a moose with a toothache
Good dental advice it would not take
He loved candy and gum
Lazed around on his bum
And now he needs teeth that are fake.

I once knew a man named Hillbilly,
and you're gonna think this is silly,
But he wore a red tux
And went hunting for ducks,
Then gave them to his brother named Willy.

There once was a mailman in Vancouver,
Who was neither a shaker nor mover.
He never rang twice
He was not into vice
And he didn't know J. Edgar Hoover.

When the phone rings, I always start shakin'
Don't want them to know, what I've been bakin'
Oh, who is it now?
I wrinkle my brow
And my knees start a knockin' and quakin'!

The pizza you brought me is late.
I was hungry and so I just ate.
I shall burp up a storm
Like the character "Norm"
And leave only some crumbs on my plate.

I'm tired and it's raining again
I could sure use a wonderful friend
Someone who won't judge
When I eat all the fudge
While bemoaning my growing rear end.

I'm goofy with sleep deprivation
Recumbent, without motivation
Coffee makes me cranky
I just want my blankie!
So bug off! I'm for hibernation.

You'll hate me for saying this but I...
Watch sappy movies that make me cry:
"When Harry Killed Sally"
Down a dark scary alley
I bawled till I wanted to die!

I think I once saw a sasquatch,
One night after drinking some bad scotch
It was hairy and tall
Like my ex-boyfriend, Paul
Unlike Paul, though, he wasn't a klutz.

A limerick's a bad thing to start
It's nothing resembling art
With messed up iambs
Might as well eat bad clams
Though, sometimes, you get to use: "fart".

If Bush should prevail over Kerry
Jill and Sandra will know they can't marry
But child molester Bill can
I think that's so ill, man,
That's why politics make me so wary.

CindyBidar: Ahem. Pardon me, just thought you might enjoy this... Limerick Dictionary (http://www-b.oedilf.com/db/Lim.php) carry on...:grin

I truly wish that I could fly,
Bean my boss in the face with a pie -
But these dreams are farfetched,
'Cause as a limerick, this is wretched.
*Because you, our friend Pthom, made it die.

O Lord, don't I wish I could fly,
Bean my boss in the face with a pie -
But these dreams are farfetched,
In mere mist are they etched,
Notwithstanding my pleadings of "Why?"

The man in the adage said "Howdy!"
Which seemed to make the whole room rowdy
The women, they glared
The men , how they stared
His garb made him appear quite dowdy.

I'm quite tired and going to bed
In pajamas of purple and red
Perchance I may dream
about eating ice cream
While riding down hill on a sled.

One day I met a talking dog
While meand'ring about in a bog
His feet were all wet
In his mouth was a net
He'd caught not a fish, but a log!

Said the dog with the log, "My how strange
How on earth did I end up with mange?
My fur is all patchy.
I'm itchy and scratchy.
To hell with this home on the range."

When I think of the things I could do:
Learn to fly, write a book, run a zoo
Raise children with love
Give inertia a shove
I think I'll marry a kangaroo

When Harry met Sally, they married
And their life was exciting and varied
Every alternate Friday
They canoodled to "My Way"
At least until they was buried.

A writer of fantastic tales
Lived with the elves in Old Wales
With his sword, cloak, and leek
He climbed to the high peak
To weave tales about mystical snails.

I saw a flamingo out jogging,
Pass a kangeroo who was clogging,
and three bears jazzercising.
That wasn't surprising --
And the dancefloor, hyenas were hogging.

My children are driving me crazy.
They won't do the dishes -- they're lazy!
They just watch T.V.
Nibbling crackers with Brie
But I won't let their nonchalance faze me

Some think adolescents are charming
But teens find their elders alarming
some need a quick smack
when it's respect that they lack
Lest they end up prison farming.

Beethoven's quite a composer
Tho' some Canucks think he's a hoser
His fifth was a hit
His ninth was a bliss –
So my prof said in Music Exposure.

John's brushing and flossing his molars
while weeping and laughing. Bipolar!
He's named all his teeth-
in his will, they're bequeathed!
To his son, a professional bowler.

I dressed myself up in a muu-muu
and dressed my dog in a pink tu-tu
We flounced to the park
Half an hour before dark
and brought a shot gun to shoot cuckoos

The rain in Dubois still falls in buckets
And it wet all my chicken McNuckets
They're soggy and gross,
Jus' like ol' toas',
I guess I will go see Sam Druckettes.

I went to the barn in white sneakers,
large lab coat, clear goggles, three beakers,
my old bunsen burner,
My mom-in-law, durn 'er,
Called the cops on my lab-full of tweakers.

The kitty has shredded my armchair
Made rags of the runner upstairs
And my very best suit
Is now fit for a brute
And the comforter's covered in cat hair

A hamburger's best with some pickles
But hamburgers cost lots of nickels
So if I am to eat
I'd best chew on a beet
And get to work writing arTIcles

I'm truly addicted to Pepsi
Okay, I happen to like it, see?
I've tried to just quit,
and started to eat squid
Marinated for days in green tea.

One day when I walked into town
A green pick-up almost ran me down.
But I leapt from its path
avoided a blood bath
As I yelled at its driver "You clown!"

A leprechaun smoking a pipe
Was wondering about what to gripe
"My clothes are puke green --
I'd rather wear jeans
Since me trousers is gettin' quite ripe."

A lass in O'Reilly's saloon
Met a guy who was quite the buffoon
He thought every lass
liked him to be crass
So he bent down and showed her the moon

I often have trouble with rats
with bells on their feet and clown hats
They steal my pretzles
Drive off in Etzels
And don't wipe their feet on the mats!

My cat is a fat lazy beast
She's content with a nap and a feast
Caviar in a can
On her birthday – oh, man!
I wish she would thank me... at least

I really dislike stupid people,
I stare at them out through my peep hole.
There's a man with no pants
And he's asked me to dance
And I would, but on top of the steeple?

If only I were a good painter
Or a really top-notch entertainer
Rubbing elbows with stars
who own fancy cars
and have my own posh fitness trainer.

The leaves on the trees have turned colors;
Soon my street will have hot-chestnut sellers
The air's crisp and cold,
And vigorously bold
Caps and scarves now adorn all the fellas.

Hey, which is your favorite month?
December says my best friend Gunth.
August is too hot
January is not
But I like May and April a lot.

Pthom: :rofl
maestrowork: Reph, that's funny! But it's a limerick booboo.
reph:Oops! It is a booboo! Do over:

Hey, which is your favorite month?
December says my best friend Gunth.
August is too hot
January is not
So dear Gunth's is the twelfth, mine's the oneth.

A bit of advice to young writers
Be careful, as they may be biters
Just buy a muzzle
don't look at ? puzzled
Those critics -- they sure are mean fighters!

While swimming one day in the pool
I found a disgusting, long stool
I jumped out in a flash
then heard a loud crash!
Who broke the "No sh!tting" rule?

John Kerry makes me so wary
Why hasn't he trumped Bush already?
The debates are a riot
and those telling lies ought
to know that the truth can't stay buried

Oh Sole Mio, you're so gracious!
But your appetite is so rapacious
Save some pesto for me
While I'm hitting high C
Like Pavarotti, my tummy is spacious.

In my mind is a constant cacophony
and my writings are a bunch of baloney
Nothing makes sense
No matter the tense
And in limericks my meter is phony.

Sam built a new doghouse of plywood
He thought, "Now, I wonder if I could
build him a jacuzzi
and a nice spot to snooze. He
is terribly misunderstood."

Sam built a new doghouse of plywood
He thought, "Now, I wonder if I could
build him a jacuzzi
and a nice spot to snooze, he
deserves something for being so good.

I went into town for my lunch
But avoided Starbucks on a hunch
With only a twenty
It should have been plenty-
But the dogs all drank a bunch!

There once was a writer named Jenna
Whose hair was once colored with henna
Her hair then turned green,
She's ashamed to be seen
From her usual tint of magenta.

A big mouthed, witty old guy
Was dining with suit and necktie
When he spilled all his chowder
He yelled all the louder,
"Hey waiter, there's a soup in my fly!

Yeshanu: Rich Mar, you're only supposed to post the first line, not the whole limerick, so your punishment is that you get to be the "victim" -- I mean subject -- of the next limerick.

There once was a writer named Rich Mar
Who derided the screenplay for Ishtar
But his writing was Greek
to all but the chic
and his mother-in-law's old stepsister.

I danced naked in the street
with my spotted doggie named pete
He had a bow-tie
and never asked why,
between us, we had but six feet.

My friends all insist I'm neurotic
It could be I'm simply quixotic
'Cause I fight for the right
sometimes just for spite
To be one nueron shy of psychotic

As much as I try to be modest
I find I can't help but be honest
For my underwear's pink,
And my clothes tend to shrink...
I'd shed them and expose a dark forest

My Mom called and scolded me because
I had dirty feet in the hause
How could she have known
from over the phone?
I had mud all over my paws!

There once was a sheik in Kadir
Who vowed he would not interfere
When his first and third wives
stabbed each other with knives
So he left the room, whispering "Oh, dear."

Yeshanu said "Next one, Melina?"
Then Rich slipped a rogue line between a
three legged Pinocchio
in Okefenokee. Oh,
this one's digested Purina. :smack

Oh, why do there have to be spiders?
They scare kiddies and paperback wriders
Eight frigging hairy legs
from beneath my ham and eggs
they crawl into my apple cider

A Dark and a stormy night it was
The ghouls were out in force because
the pubs were all shut
So they thought they'd all strut
but were busted with probable cause.

My tousers were caught in the gears
manifestation of all of my fears
I pulled and I tugged
was from behind mugged
by a toddler armed with sharp shears!

Adults playing games is just dandy!
A toast with a snifter of brandy!
The men play one game
The women the same
But the child's forced to say, "No more candy."

There once was a child from Tibet
Who took her pet Yeti to th' vet
"He's losing his hair.
I can see his whole rear." [adjusted for meter]
Then the vet said "Me too, when he's wet."

Where I live, Halloween is a-coming
A glum prospect I find mind-numbing
Children on sugar high
No house they'll walk by
Without wise-crackin' "Hey guys, we're slumming!"

My late aunt's dog was a Great Dane
which chewed on my shoes. Such a pain!
But when he chewed on her head
'til her grey hair turned red
I ate my aunt's dog in chow mein.

Happy Halloween, ChunkyC."
RichMar said, "I'm delighted to see
the end of that verse,
though it could've been worse."
Any worse and we'd all have to flee!

A pigeon just plopped on my car
The most classic Impala by far
I examined the poo
Till a cop said "Hey, you!
Get a move on. Vamos! Au revoir!"

A comely lass of good breeding stock
Was aiming to wear a big rock
But to her dismay
her beau was gay...
so now she must find a new jock.

An alien showed up in my yard
Roasting marshmallows covered in lard
"Your flora and Fauna,"
He said, "Are like manna,
Especially your Saint Bernard."

I once built a house out of yew
On a whim I then painted it blue
It looked really festive
And of sky suggestive
Must be why the birds try to fly through

There's a crowd gathered down on the street
A homecoming hero to greet
He's a true-blood elite
Completely effete
For even his jock has a pleat.

A sassy young lady from Cork
Did a trick with a knife, spoon and fork
Which astonished her priest
Who said, "Please, at least
show off to the crowd your new feat."

reph: (Last line should end with an -ork sound)

A sassy young lady from Cork
Did a trick with a knife, spoon and fork
Which astonished her priest
Who said, "Please, at least
Don't call it 'A Lush Cut of Pork.'"

The holy grail was found by King Arthur
The other by his brother (two, aren't there?)
I don't know, maybe so
For my mind's a bit slow
In any case, it was a hell of a barter.

The simpleton wag of Kilkenny
Bent over to pick up a penny
His back, it did crick
But his mind 'twas so thick
That he asked "Is this one, two, or many?"

You should never go poking around
in Newfoundland's Hamilton Sound
but if you feel brave

[Here, on November 17, 2004, this thread was accidently closed prompting the beginning of the current, much longer one.]

There once was a group that was mopin’
They had not their own thread they opined
They got one before long
Then twas suddenly gone
But thanks to RT it’s re-opened

02-17-2008, 06:54 AM
Herewith a compilation of all valid (and some not so valid) limericks posted since the initial one was inadvertantly locked (hence the title).

Limerick thread locked in mid-limerick!
The lim'rickers said, "That's a grim trick!"
Our fave thread we'll eschew
'til a fix does come through
But 'till then, we're a bit up the crick!

My smileys have all gone away
I was hoping at least one would stay
So now I can't sleep
despite counting sheep
'cause my nightlight kept monsters at bay.

You should never go poking around
in Newfoundland's Hamilton Sound
but if you feel brave
and don't mind a close shave
Go swimming -- but don't end up drowned!

I feel a bit under the weather
My body and me ain't together
detachment asside,
a quick look inside
will reveal that my tongue looks like leather

I've got "writer's block" clouding my vision
an ailment some treat with derision
I'll never get paid
Tho' my agent has said,
All I need is a little revision.

We're back in the gold once again
And I've dreamt that it ever will rain
But a deluge of pearls
And the "best friends" of girls
And bad limericks won't get stuck in the drain.

Saint Nick has a message for you-who
Being naughty is something you will rue
So come Christmas morn',
If you've downloaded porn,
Don't hide the lube in the flue.

The Christmas tree's set up and ready
"Now I just need some presents!" cried Freddy
some stockings and garland
That new book by George Carlin
A blonde with great boobs in a teddy

Sing "Silent Night" with Santa, so funny
His date is a tall Playboy bunny,
The elves laugh and point
while smoking a joint
Mrs. Claus says, "Get lost with your honey!"

Be careful while stringing your lights
untangling the strands really bites
If you trip on a cord
And land on your Accord
It could be your final "Good Night".

I'm bummed 'coz I don't have a chimney
Santa can't bring my Frodo or Gimli,
Couriers are out
Husband's a lout,
So my LOTR presents are history!

I haven't been too good this year
Santa may forget me, I fear
I was nice when "naughty",
I dressed kinda tawdry
And I shot one of Santa's reindeer.

I think Santa is one sexy guy,
But I couldn't unzipper his fly
His bells are jingling,
he's got me all tingling
But somebody told me he's bi.

My Christmas tree fell on the floor
and snow has blown in the front door
then a reindeer came in
with a turkey flamin'
I have lost my mind-- that's for sure.

I hate all the holidays crowds!
and the Christmas songs blaring so loud
I could say Bah-Humbug,
flee the country with Doug,
to where there's no snow to be plowed

This Christmas I asked for viagra
'Cause I haven't been able to go far,
my sex life's a dud,
my dog's my best bud,
And my wife's with her beau at Niagara.

My wife has been hinting for bling, bling,
But I'm doing twenty in Sing-Sing,
So if rare rocks she craves
Zero is what I've saved--
Guess on Christmas her eyes won't be twinkling.

Poor old Santa is sick with the flu,
and it's possible Rudolph is too,
The elves are all sneezing
the weather is freezing,
so there's no Christmas this year for YOU!

I asked Santa for something x-rated,
he frowned, then expostulated
"There's this list here, you see....
Mrs. Claus would kill me,
if I took it before she was sated."

My credit card tried to escape,
so I stuck it to my wallet with tape.
When it jammed the machine,
I let out a scream
'coz I now own a Faberge Grape.

I got what I wanted this year--
cigars and a six pack of beer,
a little viagra
And that's not the whole saga,
some Prozac to fill me with cheer!

I hate it when tax time is due,
The dollars I make are so few,
I'm no good with numbers,
Invest? I'm a bumbler,
and my dog ate my paperwork, too.

I find January depressing
All my misdated checks leave me stressing
My money's all gone,
there's snow on my lawn
Being committed, just might be a blessing.

I really need a vacation,
I'll settle for standing ovations,
for that which I write
be it wordy or trite
I'll make it a real vocation

A new year means a new beginning
A chance to start a new inning
Dodging curve ball rejections
each one with a lesson
So that editors' hearts I'll be winning!

I hate it when payments are late
some come weeks after their due date
with money so scarce,
it's a pain in the ass
I really am one to not wait.

I hate when my desk gets so cluttered
My OCD starts to scream bloody murder
What's under this pile?
Hope it's nothing too vile...
Is that a dead mouse smeared with butter?

When I ask for snow, don't give me rain,
Or man, you will hear me complain!
Give me sunshine instead
so I'll get out of bed
And perhaps I won't ask you again!

I once knew a man who could fiddle
except when he'd stop for a piddle
and then he was sunk
because he was drunk
So he'd look for a woman to diddle.

Last night I went out on the town
Dinner and movie with a clown
Though he had lots of money
his face was so ugly
but his Beemer was a nice shade of brown

I have this big zit on my nose
Each time that I sqeeze it, it grows
Now I look like the clown
who took me out on the town
And my nickname is Rosacea Rose.

This year I'll be fifty years old
Me too, Rosacea Rose!
Since we're over the hill
do we still need the pill?
Nope, I've given up birth control!

I'm glued to this place day and night
and my butt seems to think it's all right
If I had more ambition
I'd make it my mission
To do more than sit here and write.

So many people annoy me
I avoid them all so I can't see
I eat in the loo,
I write in there, too,
convenient as hell when i must pee

But lately this weird situation
has left me in need of a vacation
at least from the loo
I won't write while I poo!
If I'm sipping warm beer in Croatia. (well, it rhymed!8o )

I thumbed through some travel brochures
Searching for winter 'blah' cures
A warm, sandy beach
Was just within reach
But my money had all said Bon Jour!

Still, the beaches were calling to me
So my backyard became Hawaii
I spread out some sand
and shaped it by hand
And put on a nice bikini.

My house is surrounded by snow
So I pretend it's a huge ice cream cone,
When the icicles drip
and land on my lip
a whip of my tongue and their gone.

As I lounge in my homemade Hawaii
and dream of my favorite smiley (Byron, rest easy)
I shiver and shake
My belly, she quakes
When a gust of wind blows some snow on me.

I'm re-thinking this backyard creation
made of fresh snow and dead carnation,
My bikini is frozen
And while I was dozin'
My derriere lost all sensation!

When faced with the horns of dilemma
Reflecting on spermatogemma
I get out a book
and find me a nook
To peacefully read Austen's Emma.

This year in the month of Febr'ary
I'm relieved it's no longer Jan'ary,
'Cause Valentine's Day
is headed our way
and my lover might read his obituary.

have another lover scoped out,
Does he love me? Well I have some doubt,
He always comes late
When we have a date,
So I'm dumping this uncaring lout.

I'm sending a note to Tom Cruise
sprinkling perfume on the paper I use,
When he sees that it's me
I hope he won't flee
Or else I'll be singing the blues!

Give me chocolate for Valentine's Day!!
Or I fear I may just pass away-
In a red, heart-shaped box
With an itch from the pox--
Keeps PMS and bad moods at bay.

There's romance in the air on this night,
Anything you've got planned is all right,
So turn off the TV
And then say lovingly
"Do you think this Teddy's too tight?"

I must say, I love our new home,
And I promise I never will roam.
Here the trolls are most lucid!
As a recent review said,
But still only HB need foam...

It was just a shot in the dark
But the cops found a body named Mark,
Though he hadn't a scratch
He was wearing a patch,
and sprawled on a bench in the park.

I'm sick of the cold and the snow,
To a sauna I'm itching to go
Where the air is much hotter
along with the water, (Massachusetts accent here)
And so are the men there I know.

In a few weeks it's gonna be Spring!
We'll see flowers and hear birdies sing.
We'll hunt and shoot moose
and burn down the spruce
And have one more meaningless fling!

I'm glad Meaney dug up this thread,
Cuz there's something that needs to be said.
Something witty, urbane,
Maybe even profane.
Not by me, though: I'm going to bed.

I dropped in to check out Office Party,
and found revelers partying hearty,
They were doing weird stuff,
with marshmallow fluff,
'Cause they all think they're craftsy and arty.

Then I traveled to Take It Outside,
What I saw made my mouth open wide,
Talk of Ray's genitalia
(He's a genuine male, yeah)
Till I realized that reph screwed the rhyme.

reph: So what do you think rhymes with "genitalia"?

Then I traveled to Take It Outside,
where the blarney is spread far and wide,
I met braggarts and saints,
who brook no complaints
And sure had nothing to hide.

I find that I like it there
For it's better than being nowhere
It's so, well, interactive
So free and relaxing
With humor and laughter to spare.

I feel like I need a vacation
With a rum, in the sun I'll be bakin'
I'll email my boss
Tell the jerk to get lost,
I don't wanna' hear no belly achin'!

I had just a small attitude
But it grew and it grew and it grew
'Til I finally blew up
Shot up my truck
Guess I became a little unglued.

A bottle of whiskey each day I would drink
Till my lover poured it all down the sink
Met a new friend named "Bill"
In bed quite the thrill
A pity he's also my shrink

She diets but gets carried away
Very much, it is to my dismay
Her rice-cake supply
makes me want to cry
at least it's not curds and whey

The carpenter forgot his hammer
When asked for details he would stammer
"It's n-n-not here,
an' I n-ee-d a beer!"
In Waterford crystal, for glamour...

I wish I could play the trombone
While eating a cherry snow cone
Down my arm it could drip
as i wipe off my lip
and fuse jazz with i-taly-oan

There once was a lady whose dog
Sort of ressembled a frog
Its distended throat
And slimy green coat
...Just a minute! I want more egg nog!

They say that the more beans you eat
Your farts become so hard to beat,
So I ate a whole can
And a large bowl of bran
Later on I won't smell very sweet!

I'm a writer but can't always write
My ideas never seem to take flight
In haste my fingers stroke the keys
And I cry out, "Oh, please,
Don't let me be writing ALL NIGHT!"

I've been sneezing my head off all day
And I wish that I could find a way
to continue my typing --
But instead, I'm just griping
which, unlike crime, doesn't pay.

The world is not all black and white
Not every critique is a slight
It may irritate you,
Make you cry, "Oh, boo-hoo!"
And pound the keyboard with all of your might.

Yeshanu, May 20, 2005 (page 12):
I'm back on the limerick thread.
Bet most of you though I was dead!
But I'm here so it's time
To concoct a new rhyme,
After which, I'll go off and get fed.

I'm disturbed by the tone of my work
My proofreader scoffs, "You're a jerk!"
"It's the whiskey," I mutter.
"And my head's full of clutter.
But at least I am published," I smirk.

Some coffee would be great right now
Along with some really good chow.
So I get in the car
But I won't get too far
I just got in an accident-- POW!

Me knee has been bothering me
It flexes spontaneously
Can't stop the twitching
And then there's this itching,
I look like a freakin' mon-key.

I'm so far behind on my work
My boss thinks I'm kind of a jerk
So I'm keeping track
I wish he'd get off my back
While on these boards I constantly lurk.

I am craving a little beef jerky
Got hooked on it in Albuquerque
Bus ride was too long
Until I broke into song
This lack of meter is making me berserky!

The mad scientist Nikola Tesla
Had a brawl with an ill-tempered wrestler
Nikola lunged with her beaker
Missed her mark and killed her sneaker
And then took a midday siesta.

An editor's driving me crazy
But I'm feeling incredibly lazy
So I'll unplug my phone
and watch Twilight Zone
and wait till the whole world grows hazy.

I soaked two clean washcloths in gin,
And now let the fun times begin!
I set one cloth on fire
and yelled to the choir,
"And now for our sermon on sin!"

I packed up my suitcase last night
With a ball and a board and a kite
And then I recalled
my pet turtle, who'd crawled
To some hiding place quite out of sight

The magician pulled out of his hat
A rabbit, a bass, and a bat
But to his surprise
and gut-wrenching cries,
They pulled out a bit more than that.

Stop doing that, please; I might faint
I can't stand the smell of that paint
It was supposed to be blue,
But, because of you,
Folks think I'm a colour I ain't

My dog ate my homework, Ms Brown
He wolfed all twelve pages right down
I'd write it all out again
But the cat has my pen
And the vet -- well, she's going to town.

once met a film buff from Leeds
Who told me of such naughty deeds
that I stopped the projector
and moved to eject her --
but didn't. A fellow has needs.

I promise you, no more last lines
Said poet Solatium Heinz
I'll just leave that to you-all
and proclaim the renewal
of hive thinking in humankind.

Fast Eddie's statistical text says
It's uncouth to make love in a fez
Fastidious abstinence
from sex prevents accidents
As does gobbling the Pill like it's Pez.

Everything I thought I once knew
Evaporated like morning dew
And I saw with fresh eyes
That, to be truly wise,
The 'knowledge' of God I'd pursue.

A thought wandered into my mind
"Why is knowledge of God so enshrined?"
We don't know it all
There's no hotline to call
and the game's rules remain undefined.

But to you this conundrum I put:
Is danger ahead or afoot?
Without common sense...
Within? violence!
Withal, nevertheless, understood.

There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who got a new poster. She stuck it
on the bow of her dinghy
Whose red paint looked quite zingy
But it leaked; she'll not sail in that bucket!

This rhyme wasn't written in French
But it was written on a green bench
Neither yellow nor blue
Such a pastoral hue
For a seat that spring showers would drench.

An ear-splitting scream pierced the air
in the church at the edge of Nowhere.
"Not a lim'rick again!"
Bawled young Darien,
"This isn't the Folies Bergères!"

While singing Addicted to Love
a lightning bolt shot from above
it struck Robert Palmer
with the force of a bomber
To the strains of The Smiths' Hand in Glove

My blind date went sadly awry,
I expected a girl, got a guy.
And not only that, but
He works as a flatfoot
Because his is a non-public eye.

I left on a two-week vacation
to a faraway, warm destination
Where no one could phone me
and tell me bologna
And give me a day's aggravation.

The ostrich said this to the kiwi:
"I'm glad I got u to help see me!"
When the kiwi replied,
"Well they eat me worldwide!"
An eavesdropping buzzard squawked, "Dreamy!"

There's no substitute for bananas
But their leaves aren't that good for bandanas.
For that you need cotton
Though it may be hard-gotten
Whether homespun, bought retail, or Grandma's.

My first draft is here for critiquing,
I pray it does not end up reeking;
Though I need your advice,
It doesn't have to be nice,
If it's bad I'll refrain from peeking.

There was an old saxophone lady
Who insisted her name wasn't Sadie
She called herself Nora
With surname Tedora
And hoped that she kindly won't bore ya'!

I can't get the hang of this system,
If there were instructions, I missed 'em,
Were they flushed down the bog?
Well "No!.", 'cause they're 'logged!
So this poster will now try to list 'em!

1. Enter one line only.
2. Each line should fit the pattern for a limerick (Lines 1,2, and 5 rhyme, and lines 3 and 4 rhyme; see above postings for meter)
3. Poster of line 5 also posts line 1 of next limerick.

And now we will all write a lim'rick
Let athletes show off with a gym trick
A writer's best muscle
Lies next to her bustle
And can't be done in with a pin prick.

A kindly young man from Easthampton
Liked listening to Peter Frampton
But he found out one day
No guitar could he play
So he sang about caves he'd camped in

An adulterous, lecherous dude
Gave Sally a sideways glance lewd
Now, Sally was willing
For less than a shilling
So he gave her tuppence, and they scr...

As a beautiful young maiden approached him
He recalled how his father had coached him
"Prepare yourself, Junior,
She'll be looking to prune your
Azaleas, though no plant's encroached 'em."

He slipped on the soap in the shower
and didn't wake up for an hour;
The knot on his head
Said "Hi, my name's Fred!"
And "Flintstone!" was all he could holler.

There was a spaceship from Uranus
Whose captain became rather famous
Though known for his wisdom
He kept goats, and he kissed 'em
Which all but his wife thought quite heinous.

A nanny was scolding young Billy
For staying too long out in Philly
Without his inhaler
In a doublewide trailer
And dancing to Milli Vanilli

The underground poetry slam
Will be followed by free cheese and ham
For those who consider
Prosciutto too bitter,
We'll grudgingly serve up some Spam.

O Lord, I'm an underpaid writer
and forced to sell cheap cider
My one saving grace
is a beautiful face
and this trick I can do with a lighter.

O Lord, I'm an underpaid writer
and forced to sell cheap cider
My one saving grace
is a beautiful face
and the guts of a boxing-ring fighter.

The secret to making it big
Is not giving riches a fig,
a raisin, a date, or
A french-fried potater
Just Zag when convention says Zig

My laptop made ominous sounds
It began to expel coffee grounds
So I hit Control-C
And the thing said to me:
"Get off - You weigh 200 pounds!"

The worst thing about X-ray vision
is reading the Sunday edition
Especially regarding
the dearly departing
Through a page that tells where to go fishin'.

If you find a live mouse in your shoe
While before a judicial review
For God's sake, don't kill it
Just scatter some millet
And plead "Framed by a rat!" (What a coup.)

"Daddy, where's Mommy?" asked Bobby
Said Dad, "Why, she's out in the lobby."
She wasn't, in fact; she
was in the loo to pee.
Stealing Charmin was her favorite hobby.

"Daddy, where's Mommy?" asked Bobby.
Said Dad, "Why, she's out in the lobby.
The room-service clerk
Was a bit of a jerk,
And berating young men is her hobby."

I'm feeling quite comfortably numb,
Just sitting here, sucking my thumb;
The Prozac's kicked in,
With a tumbler of gin,
I don't care if the world thinks I'm dumb.

I'm writing an x-rated novel
The hero of which likes to grovel
When down on her knees
Crying "Sir, if you please,
Spank me with the flat side of the shovel!"

The Latvian Princess from Riga
Did not wish to be thought very eager,
So she rolled in the mud,
Called her tutor a dud,
and said, "Teacher, your staff is much bee-gah!"

A nun was repulsed by Greg Brady,
Who asked, "Are you penguin, or lady?"
"I am neither," she sneered,
which was just as he feared.
She was somebody crazy or shady.

I'm really quite sick of hot weather
So everyone yell out together
We would like some ice cream
And a cold winter dream
We want long johns, our parkas and leather!

There's a photograph in front of me
that's as scary and strange as can be
It was taken one day
in a land far away
When I was naked and smiling with glee

Be still, my poor aching heart
Though I can't finish poems that I start
The ones I complete
are as hot as the heat
On my five-alarm chili Pop Tart

My countrymen, lend me your ears
I need some stalwart volunteers
to kill off some bugs
I shall call them my "thugs"
and dangle them from chandeliers.

The limerick form is pedantic
Ambiguous in its semantic
But if I drink my ale
and stay out of gaol
My girlfriend will think I'm romantic:

"Your eyes are like limpid blue pools"
What a line by some poetic fools!
Such drovel insipid
Is making me livid
enough to torch their vestibules.

The preacher went suddenly quiet
He was told he must go on a diet
The pulpit was straining
Holy water was draining
And the congregants threatened to riot.

My love is a fair maiden true
Although, just between me and you,
I've seen maidens fairer
And love that is rarer
But hey, for the moment, she'll do!

The milkmen of Iceland all say,
"Drink plenty of moo-juice each day"
Such advice they don't follow
'cause they can't seem to swallow
so their bodies are withering away.

It's time for a dip in the pool
So hot out, I'm starting to drool,
I could sure use a drink
Something chilly and pink
Like they teach you in bartenders' school.

My mother-in-law really bugs me
Her home is so chintzy and drugs-free
So when I must see her,
I get drunk on be-er
And vomit the moment she hugs me.

I must have deleted this line
I tell myself "it will be fine!"
But then, in the morning
With consciousness dawning
I find that the line was my spine.

Of the topics that ought to be banned
Several will always withstand
the bluest of noses
like black dying roses
that grow just as well in the sand.

The infinite nature of space
Is too much for my mind to embrace
I've enough trouble keeping
My cell phone from beeping--
Any deeper my brain cells can't face!

A pea and a pie on a pew
Put paid to a pious revue
(Though that may sound tricky,
and possibly sticky)
But priests in high heels is not new.

When Socrates asked, "Is it better..."
Wearing his bright purple sweater,
"to practice denial
of this poison vial?"
His students wrote down every letter.

A large bowl of oysters and clams
Was spilled down the actress's gams;
She jumped up and down
And tore at her gown
While shrieking "Please turn off those cams!"

If I had a dollar to spare
I'd buy us some popcorn to share,
but the usher collected
much more than expected
So, instead, I'll just buy me a beer!

Gas prices are going to kill me
I wanted to buy something filmy,
something see-through, that is
with dazzle and sizz
But my car won't stop whimpering, "Fill me!"

The wedding guests watched in great horror
As the groom loudly said, "I deplore her!"
"The dowry appeals,
but really it feels
like I'm an Antarctic explorer!"

spaceship dropped out of the heavens
Right onto the home of the Blevins
And the rocket's red glare
Lit up everything there
With a flash that was brighter than levin(s)!

The zookeeper opened the cage
(a big risk for minimum wage);
the lions got out
and ate a boy scout
And then danced a jig on the stage

My printer has started to shake
Like the time it survived that earthquake
I'm beginning to fear
that my printer is queer
For it speaks – and complains of an ache.

Don't try to play chess with a dragon
Especially one given to braggin
He'll breathe on your queen
And set fire to the scene
Then skip town in his purple Volkswagon

I just drank my fourth cup of coffee;
It tasted like stale, dried up toffee.
Why that was, I don't know
'cause my brain is too slow
And my hair's gone all Dave Hasselhoff-y

I just drank my fourth cup of coffee;
It tasted like stale, dried up toffee.
Why that was, I don't know
'cause my brain is too slow
Now I think I'll go take some time off. Hee!

"I made my own dress out of burlap,"
said Ann as she drank from the watertap;
Her boyfriend said, "Yuck!
It feels like we're stuck
in some kinda fashion craze mishap!"

A scientist working in Kenya
Named Mortimer Alvin McVennia
Was filming a rhino
and thought, "What do I know?
I can't tell it from a gardenia!"

"What do men know? I love it!" cried Ann,
as she dealt the next hand of Fan Tan,
"It's good for my skin!
And it sure makes me grin!
And gives me a great tartan tan!"

The witness confessed, "It was me
Who saw the fat criminal flee!"
His pockets were bulging
so I am divulging
"It hasn't been meaningless to Thee?!".

I had wanted to keep my mouth shut,
After the bullly kicked me in the butt,
But I've got a big mouth
And I came from the south
So I said what I thought -- to his gut.

Last week I played Scrabble with Death
I offered a mint for his breath
His subsequent howl
Made me drop my next vowel
Then he challenged my use of "Macbeth"!

The traveling sideshow has gone
but a weird man remains on my lawn
He's swallowing fire
While neighbors admire,
but all I can muster is, "Yawn"

The traveling sideshow has gone
and with it, my girlfriend Yvonne
What she'll earn every night
In the all-girl mud fight
with Tony Orlando and Dawn...

. . . Would feed Liechtenstein for a week
If she hadn't a soft-hearted streak
So it's cat food she'll buy
And some bargain potpie
and donate all the rest to the Geek.

Here's one for George W. Bush
Whose brain has softened to mush
All our foreign friends say
They're thankful the way
He's kept all the Yanks off the Dole*

poetinahat: *: "on the dole" = on welfare; and yes, I know it doesn't rhyme. Can I call it an assonance? Or does the Dole reference just not work?

reph: *It doesn't work for me: besides the rhyme issue, many Yanks are on the dole. Maybe "He captured Saddam's ugly tush."

I robbed Peter just to pay Paul
And then to the shock of us all
Peter called the police
And I took off for Greece,
I'm still there and having a ball!

They were digging up my street today,
which disrupted my roll in the hay.
Then my breakfast was cold,
And the car that I'd sold
Was trapped in the front driveway.

My laptop is scorching my legs
I'm downloading raunchy JPEGs
But the heat generated
with pics quite x-rated
Might mean I can never get pregs

Would that be a tragedy? No;
Two teenagers already in tow
The thought of another
Li'l sister or brother
My breakfast I'm ready to throw

The lion's gap tooth made this whistle
As he tore at the meat and the gristle
If he could, he would blush
but his mane is so plush
You could never part it with a missile.

Who painted my kitchen with slogans?
An African tribe armed with blow-guns?
It looks like Swahili
Embellished quite freely
with tributes to Japanese shoguns.

I leapt from the top of the tower
When my leading ace lost to Right Bower
But then, halfway down,
I dropped a half crown
And beat my best time by an hour

When two turtles go on a date
Admiration can soon turn to hate
for turtles are fickle
with feelings that prickle
and they really do hate to be late.

The 50-foot woman is pissed
And she's holding Jude Law in her fist
That's right, it's a remake
No scene was a retake
But poor Jude was swallowed when kissed!

I noticed a spot on my shirt.
Is there such a thing as blue dirt?
Or did my pen leak--
(it looks like batik
or an octopus squirt) thought Curt.

Her husband brought home some red roses
for his wife before she decomposes
She's down in the cellar
Along with that feller
who's read every book of Spinoza's

I've got just a shadow of doubt
What any of this is about
But it won't take much longer
nor be any wronger
to wonder day in and day out.

Clint Eastwood has moved in next door
Along with a traveling press corps
My husband decided
he won't call, but I did
to see Dirty Harry's decor.

A billboard was put on my roof
The neighbors then found me aloof
"Eat At Joe's", it is blinking
"Cards, Women and Drinking,
And Booths that are Bulletproof."

I stepped in a bucket of paint
Graceful is something I ain't
but the can says 'Two coats'
should cover my goats
Would that make me sinner, or saint?

The Magical Mystery Tour:
I remember that album, for sure!
I swear I was sober
But then in October
My sworn statement seemed premature.

Don't ever get stuck in Miami
They'll offer you cash for your mammy
But when hurricanes come
You'll be out on your bum
like the fuss-of-the-month at the Grammys.

Don't ever get stuck in Miami.
They'll offer you cash for your mammy,
And if you think that's bad,
You can lease out your dad
With options on Grandpa and Grammy.

The gunslinger stood in the street
He juggled three grapes and a beet
But his lightning-fast draw
Had one fatal flaw,
As his gun was anchored in concrete.

The idiot lifted his hand
like Lawrence Welk leading a band
"If I aren't mistaken
you're no Kevin Bacon,"
he told Kevin Bacon. "Understand?"

"My dog ate my homework," said John.
Now I'm not sure I belong
In this really odd group
Take me back to F-Troop
Before they notice I'm gone

I sat on a rock by the shore
With someone I really adore
When our (hot) chaperone
walked off on her own
And thereby allowed me to score.

It's time to sign up at a gym
My belly is over the brim
Maybe I'll diet
(It can't hurt to try it)
From now on, my milk will be skim!

When Gandhi met Gavin McLeod
The glare from their scalps drew a crowd
"Help me, I'm blind!"
(for their heads really shined)
No car salesman's jacket's so loud.

Oh, don't let me buy one more knickknack
My home's overflowing with bric-a-brac.
I can't find my kids
and my husband forbids
crystalware, so I'm drinking a six-pack

The road from Calcutta to Delhi
Which is always quite busy and smelly,
has a hole in the middle
Where I found a fiddle
And a smashed jar of green apple jelly.

The trip home from Phoenix to Dallas
sitting next to a woman named Alice,
who bored me tears
recounting her fears
of an ogre who lived in a palace.

I think I should go on a trip.
I'm tired of the ol' Gaza Strip.
I'm packing my bags
and my Israeli flags
and jumping the next cargo ship.

When Hamlet asked, "To be or not?"
The audience, Cockneys, said "Wot?"
"We don't get that dude,
by jing, he'll be booed
before he falls prey to the plot!"

The ring on my cellphone got stuck
It scared off four geese and a duck
And the cops hauled me off
with a sneer and a scoff
To become a Vancouver Canuck

The ring on my cellphone got stuck
It scared off four geese and a duck
And the cops hauled me off
with a sneer and a scoff
In a battered old pickup truck.

King Arthur despised his round table
He said, "Make it square if you're able,
Cuz I'm a square dude,
And with my attitude
I'll not be in folklore or fable!"

She went for a spin on the ice
With a goat and two overgrown mice
The mice did all right
but the goats got stage fright
After watching that champ Michael Weiss.

My gas tank is running on empty
And I'm twenty-nine miles south of Tempe
In an hour I'm due
to recite some Theroux
But turning around sure does tempt me.

Saint Nick has a message for you-who
Being naughty is something you'll rue
Unless you're like me
who gets off scot-free,
Won't nobody come down your flue!

My laptop just gave me the bluescreen :-(
I'd prefer something else: pink or true green
The motherboard's toast
No more can I post
So my face oscillates red/tangerine

So what is this life all about?
What can I know without doubt?
Perhaps I just need
A good book to read
and the friendship of someone devout.

A boy stood with his dog by the sea,
And they both had their backs turned to me.
In the noise of the squall
I heard someone call–
Indistinct words that floated so free.

Now, nobody's told me I'm perfect
And of compliments, I get no surfeit
But my sins are so trivial
and my manner convivial
That to scramble for sainthood ain't worth it.

Writing verses, you need a big lexicon
in Bantu, Punjabi or Mexican
It helps if you know
Lots of big words and so
which might baffle the opposite sex again

I think I'll get on a plane
And escape Limerick Hell. What a pain!
I'll fly off to see
Mother Goose Purgatory*
Where the rhymes fall as easy as rain.

Hey! I found a green frog in the bathtub
And it called to me, croaking, "You poor schlub!"
I am doubled with glee,
'Cuz it jumped on my knee
Then fell in the toilet -- glub glub!

The leaves are beginning to change
And that, by itself, ain't so strange
But they change into people
This world is in free-fall
and my mangy dog needs an oil change

The change is beginning to leave.
"Holy pickpockets, Batman!" I grieve
But holy, they ain't;
the pants are. Complaint...
My idiot tailor can't weave.

The beginning is leaving a change
And I'm humming "Home on the Range"
But, though tumbleweeds tumble
and glum grumblers mumble
I still caught L from Charlie's Ange

I'm leaving, a change to begin
I must shake off this craving for gin
I am brazenly brave
Swore I'd drink to the grave
But I've run out of aspirin!

My manuscript's stuck in the slush,
All hopes are now turning to mush,
But my limerick collection
Won't bring me dejection,
Cause people who read them just gush!

I wish I could win lots of dough,
Just think of the places I'd go!
First I'd need some new clothes
for God only knows
Mine are holey and I cannot sew!

There once was a girl from Chepachet
Whose favourite band's Molly Hatchet,
One night she sneaked out
To go wand'ring about
And to visit her buddy, Nurse Ratchett.

Nurse Ratchett was one nasty nurse
Just what did she keep in her purse?
It was long; it was rigid,
Of course, she was frigid
Hey! It wasn't the keys to the hearse!

If we had to go live in Spain
We'd bear arms and the Cross of Lorraine
And at noon every day
We'd take a short break to pray
And a much longer break to complain.

The music is playing so loud
It has moved the unmovable crowd
The cymbals and drums
Inspire my thumbs
To dance until tired or OWW!

The oak trees are all dressed in gold
The back-to-school clothing's been sold
The turkey is worried
In fact, he has scurried
But he's now sixteen pieces, all told

A hitman with low self-esteem
and a penchant for cookies and cream
Just couldn't refuse
a quick hit of booze
And soaked his dessert in Jim Beam

My, what an extra large cat
It's furry, it's tall and it's fat
It eats on the run
And depends on no one
except to take a whiz in your hat.

An Ibizan's an odd type of hound
It barks with delayed ultrasound
Which confuses intruders
And locks up computers
And scares bats for ten miles around.

I wonder what this button does?
I pressed it twice, just because
The scary blue screen
says my drive's a latrine,
But that's silly -- latrines never buzz!

But what if they did? What if all
those sounds from way down the hall
were just modified flushes,
and what makes me blush is
the door's been removed from the stall

Well, shiver me timbers, me crew
Consists of thirteen caribou
But in the crow's nest
Is one paid by the rest,
He's got hands, 'cuz those hooves just won't do.

When the captain yelled "All hands on deck!"
the unmanned ship became a wreck
As the wind whipped the sails
the crew swam with the whales
thus ending their seafaring trek.

My eyes have begun to glaze over
And my face has gone crimson and clover,
Cuz I did some weird drugs
and I ate some weird bugs
Finished off with a hair from old Rover

My liver is going to bits
My B.O. is literally the pits
But my wallet is hearty
So take that, you smarty --
'Cause wealth almost always beats wits

meaney: Metrical change notwithstanding, this one's a gem.

I ought to be studying German
To understand my uncle Hermann.
... What is "Sieg Heil"?
Why, I don't see you smile!
"Nein! I've nothing to do vit dat vermin!"

I've bought a new pocket protector
I, colour ballpoint pen collector
For my shirts got too loud
Though I feel kinda proud
of my hat that says "Jedi Inspector"

Napoleon H. Bonaparte
let out a rip-roaring fart
His men did cheer,
but did Josephine hear?
No! She'd fallen asleep in the cart.

When one of us writes down a line
The rest think, "Wish that had been mine!"
It blows my mind sometimes
To gain reason from rhymes
That's why I like my prose just fine.

It's almost the last week of September;
There are three things I must remember:
But amnesia sets in
Who am I -- Errol Flynn?
as I chop firewood, yelling "timber".

Silent movies are a classic genre,
You can watch those old stars get it on, yeah,
with a look and a kiss,
Instantaneous bliss
For our lead actors Michael and Sondra.

A salesman walked into a bar
Pitching lies about some old used car
When the bartender said:
"Are you out of your head?
All it's engine parts come in a jar"

The traffic was bumper to bumper
When I went out to buy a new jumper
The store clerk was crass
And tried to harass
me for choosing one featuring Thumper

My mother was taken away
And I really had nothing to say
Instead, to avenge her,
I decided to venture
a pox on the whole NRA

My accountant is quite the magician:
Looking out for my fiscal position.
But dollars and cents
because I am dense
Still elude me despite all my wishin'.

It has lights, bells, and five fancy levers
Starting it takes damn near forever
But, I give it a try
Whoops! I'm up in the sky!
It's a plane, not a car -- Oh, whatever!

Old Gilbert and Sullivan's rhymes
Have been sung to their tunes many times
But their water ballet
Was less known in its day
'Cause they lived in such freezing cold climes!

A ballet of chimps is just silly
Their dance moves are all willy-nilly
They interpret Swan Lake
like they're killing a snake
No one's fooled by their tutus so frilly.

"I think I'll have more bread and butter,"
Said the golfer while cleaning his putter.
"The crumbs help my grip,
So my chip doesn't slip;
I adjust for the cutlery clutter."

The new kid was looking suspicious
He claimed that he came from Mauritius
He looked a bit odd
Yelling "I'm a surf god!"
While collecting sea water in dishes.

A gorilla, a bear, and a rhino
Decided to go rob a wino
of the shoes on his feet
and his coat! Oh, not neat!
But they ran when they saw his pet dino.

A pea in the pie of a pauper
Puts pizzazz, though not silver or copper
And the Worcestershire sauce
Is nobody's loss
if you believe our co-authored whopper.

An owl in my tree close to sunset
was excluded by peers from the 'fun set'
'cause he couldn't "who who"--
he could only "cuckoo"
Now he sits with himself where his buns set.

An owl in my tree close to sunset

was excluded by peers from the 'fun set'
'cause he couldn't "who who"--
he could only "cuckoo."
And his nest wasn't in Narragansett

My dad's name is Nebuchadnezzar
He conquered the city of Gezer.
A history buff, I'm not
But when put on the spot
He's up there with Julius Caesar

My dad's name is Nebuchadnezzar
And he worked all his life as a "fez-zer",
his nick-name was Hatty
Came from Cincinnati
Where he read The Curse of Ka’zar

My dad's name is Nebuchadnezzar
And he worked all his life as a "fez-zer",
his nick-name was Hatty
Hailing from Cincinnati
He was known to be quite a cool dresser.

The nebula glowed infrared
The astronomer went back to bed
He dreamed of eclipses,
Trails like an ellipsis ...
Orion's belt swam in his head.

The nebula glowed infrared
The astronomer went back to bed
He dreamed of eclipses,
trails like an ellipsis ...
and woke next to a horse's head.

When Edison talked about current
He spoke in contractions, like "weren't":
"If it weren't for distance...
and that awful resistance,
I'd buy a house... but I prefer rent."

When Edison talked about current
He spoke in contractions, like "weren't":
"If it weren't for distance...
and that awful resistance,
this lightbulb would be more transpurrent."

A flea and a fly in a flophouse
Waded through writings by Wodehouse
"These scribbles are plum!"
"They're not! You're so dumb!"
"So said Jeeves," said the weevil and wood louse.

A flea and a fly in a flophouse
Waded through writings by Wodehouse
"These scribbles are plum!"
"They're not! You're so dumb!"
The fight then got ended by Housemouse.

A flea and a fly in a flophouse
Waded through writings by Wodehouse
The flea preferred Jeeves
"But Wooster achieves."
He said, before using the outhose

A flea and a fly in a flophouse
Waded through writings by Wodehouse
The flea preferred Jeeves
Which gave fly the heaves
so he flew off to torment a titmouse

A flea and a fly in a flophouse
Waded through writings by Wodehouse
The flea preferred Jeeves
"But Wooster achieves."
Thou, Mitchner was preferred by the Mouse.

A flea and a fly in a flophouse
Waded through writings by Wodehouse
The flea preferred Jeeves
Which gave fly the heaves
but the landlord greatly preferred Faust.

The wicked ol' witch of the West
Served poison to every tenth guest
But guests she had few
So the leftover brew
She drank down at Dorothy's request.

The wicked ol' witch of the West
Served poison to every tenth guest
But guests she had few
So the leftover brew
Was kept for the ones she loved best.

The wicked ol' witch of the West
Served poison to every tenth guest
They started to gag
When served by the hag
Serving seconds at Scarecrow's behest

The wicked ol' witch of the West
Served poison to every tenth guest
They started to gag
the witch, she did brag
as she invited forty-five to her fest.

Fall winds are blowin' 'round our house
And Cheesy, our little pet mouse
Made quite a scene
Falling in the tureen
Though Robbie pushed him, like a louse.

I wish I'd been born with grand wings
The feeling that smooth soaring brings
As I'd flit and I'd flutter
I'd cause folks to shudder
But I love doing dangerous things.

I wish I'd been born with grand wings
The feeling that smooth soaring brings
As I'd flit and I'd flutter
I'd cause folks to shudder
'Cause along with the wings I'd have stings!

I wish I'd been born with grand wings
The feeling that smooth soaring brings
But maybe I'd molt
'til I feel like a dolt
Then exit after packing my things.

A dog on a log in a bog
Got busy digging dirt in his blog
But a hog in the fog
Began dialogue
With "Welcome, friends! Have an egg nog!"

Transcriptionists met in Missouri
where native handwriting is blurry.
But they all persevered
With notations so weird
That the state gave up trial by jury

If you eat everything on your plate
And to Sunday school never are late,
and you always say please,
you might start to wheeze
in a holy and satisfied state.

I made pasta for dinner last night
And they tell me it came out all right.
I put cheese in the sauce
(That pleases The Boss)
and Greg Brady said, "Gee! Outta sight!"

For the hundred-and-fiftieth time
You can not buy our house for a dime
It is worth more than that
Just go ask my cat
Now please let me get back to my rhyme!

Do you think squirrels dream about peanuts?
Are they saner, or less so, than we nuts?
We dream about sex.
while chasing T-Rex
and landing the perfect double lutz.

The mobster got sent to the slammer
For using abominable grammar
His verb and his nouns
were all mixed around
and each sentence began with a stammer.

I thought that I'd write you a sonnet.
I'm stalling; I ought to get on it.
Just as soon as I find
a muse who's aligned
with the poetic bee in my bonnet.

The leaves on the trees are all yellow
and we crave hot chocolate with marshmallow
As we dress all in wool,
We're feeling quite full,
from the pumpkin face made out of jello.

I once found a shiny new penny
'Twas odd since I hadn't found many
But to my chagrin
I lost it again
'Twas as if I'd never found any.

My gym teacher in second grade
Doubled as a housekeeper and maid
And had one other duty:
to shake that fine booty
Only in my kid dreams, I got laid.

A sprightly old lady from Leeds
Was gardening, pulling some weeds
When a weed pulled her leg
and then started to beg
for photosynthetic misdeeds

The lions and tigers and bears
Sat 'round the TV in their chairs
They ate lots of chips,
Gladys Knight and the Pips
And said, "This beats drafty old lairs."

But the tigers had their own agenda
They were swift as a Flying Wallenda
Up on a trapeze
While scratching their fleas
and wound up in a pile up-enda (literary license, OK?)

The bears began beating a path
for the last book by Sylvia Plath
It was rather depressing
While the bears were obsessing
about how to stage 'Grapes of Wrath'

So the lions took up a collection
to save the bears from rejection
They hocked the T.V.
And mercilessly
gave the tigers the best seating section.

The tigers that night had a ball
With the bears and the lions and all.
They ended their revels
with T-squares and levels
And drew up a huge shopping mall.

When a new pair of shoes doesn't fit
You can rub it with paste wax and spit
If you do, don't forget
the tar de cigarette
You'll find it won't hurt them a bit.

When giving a speech to your peers
take care not to bore the poor dears
You might make them snooze
and for that, you would lose
Any chance of a few volunteers

A town with two bars and no church
can be found if you're willing to search
but don't look in the South
for a beer-swilling mouth
'Less you want your butt whupped with a birch

A Martian, King Tut, and the Pope
All tried out some soap on a rope.
Then they shampooed their hair,
also washing "down there",
It's sad but they're all out of hope.

A wily gunfighter named West
Thought he'd do what he could that was best
Being quick on the draw
With a plug in his jaw
But he can't, since his gun's repossessed

The lovers, the dreamers and me
Is a song sung by Kermit, you see
and ol' Fozzie Bear
lives life without care
On the street that they call Sesame

There was a young fellow named Hyde
who climbed on his pony to ride
'til he started to ache
And yelled "Hey, where's the brake?
I'm Jekyll, not Bonnie and Clyde!"

When Caesar strode into the Senate
He shouted, "I told you, I meant it!"
He then in his toga
went back to his yoga
and turned on some Loreena McKennitt.

But later, when Brutus came in
all covered in crap to his chin
he turned off the music
and washed off his whoosit
then danced on the head of a pin

Can anyone tell me the way
from tap dance to modern ballet?
And are these the wrong shoes
to boogie woogy to the blues?
If Tommy Tune says so, OK

I've worked my way up from the bottom
Rejections, a fistful - I've got 'em
One day I'll be rich
'cause the public loves kitsch
And have I got a kitchen or not one?

A new day is dawning, my friend
When to our assignments we wend
With ten digits flying
and no-one replying
We'll have Sweet FA cash to spend

I picked the wrong wish to come true:
but sometimes we have to make do
So now that I'm weightless,
I'm glad that I ate less
To better display this tatoo.

A cranky old mare they called Belle
developed an interesting smell
It wasn't patchouli
nor pasta fazool
But it told us she didn't feel well

A French commandant named Laporte
Was reviewing his troops in the fort
when yon he heard cannons,
said, "Ambush! My plan ends!"
and to his soldiers he shouted "abort!"

An army consisting of mice
Lay siege to a pantry of rice
But their battering ram
made of strawberry jam
was ridiculously imprecise.

The pantry withstood the assault
(it was locked up tight as a vault)
The mousies withdrew
A new plan to brew
They started with basic Gestalt.

A virtuous barmaid from Kent
walked with legs that couldn't be bent.
When she tried to sit down
She would shock the whole town
by giving up knickers for Lent

The courtship of Browning and Barrett
Was brimming with poetic merit
With lines finely metered
their love never petered
The romantic shoe fits, so they'll wear it

The difference between you and me
Is not always easy to see.
But we struggle along,
In Speedos and thong
Tweedledum versus Tweedledee...

A lady of uncertain age
danced topless for years in a cage
but one day she said,
"I'd be better off dead
than jiggling for minimum wage."

I saw the doc about my hands
He said they looked like old tin cans
a little rusted
not to be trusted
(like old Volkswagen Combi vans)

The spaceman stepped out of his craft
And instantly fell down a shaft
His airhose got tangled
His helmet got mangled--
This spaceman was really quite daft!

There's a full moon right now in the sky
She sips her Manhattan and I
Nurse my rye at the bar,
Put a tip in the jar
With my other hand rubbing her thigh.

Very soon it will be Halloween!
and the kids will make quite a scene
They'll squeal and they'll squall
(they'll make quite a haul)
till eating those treats turns them green.

I fell on a cactus while hiking
It really was not to my liking
One needle got stuck
In my knee, just my luck!
At least I wasn't out biking.

I bought some strawberry ice cream
through a fraudulent pyramid scheme
The cones turned yellow
from this conniving fellow
Who's moved on to selling sea-bream

Oh why won't they cut me some slack?
Instead they point out what I lack
I don't fill out a sweater
And can't write a letter
don't they know I'm good in the sack!

All dressed up with nowhere to go,
complained Curly, Larry and Moe,
who went out on the town
wearing 'tween them a crown
and a gold ring on every toe.

There once was a man named Clyde
whose neurons were permanently fried.
When eating a ham
With strawberry jam
realized he was cross-eyed

The sea is a deep blue abyss,
Although I'm some times clueless,
I swim near and far
to find the pool's bar
and miss Scylla and Charybdis

A number divided by two
Makes it equal for me and for you
a big piece for us each
is a good way to teach
it's easier serving beef stew.

I had an old playhouse out back
Where I'd go for a drink and a snack
But one day, Michael Moore
Stopped to rant for the poor
So my snack and I never went back

My dog loves to play "Fetch the Bear"
For which our state cops* just don't care
But such is my pooch
that Ursidae mooch
Brings them back both on foul days and fair.

My uncle's a grumpy old guy
His house is a smelly old sty.
When he makes the bed
The bedbugs see red
Unfortunately, I don't lie.

The knock on the door gave me shivers
Cuz behind it stood wrinkly Joan Rivers,
Her Botoxed thin skin,
Plastic boobs, cheek and chin --
And a memory as long as the Giver's.

Good heavens! What do we have here?
Tuna sandwich, an egg and some beer.
But with some paprika,
we'll soon cry "Eureka!"
"We've discovered the cure for swimmers' ear!"

The grizzly bear chewed on my leg
'Cause he ran out of beer; had no egg.
But with salt and some lime
patience and time
We'll find him a hen and a keg.

The library's haunted, I think.
Well, that's what I said to my shrink.
Those books over there
are ready to share,
and Shakespeare just gave me a wink.

Last night at a quarter to ten
I heard a loud crash in the den
I picked up my beer
and succumbing to fears
of the egg that was left by the hen

A salad that's made with an egg
will stain if you spill on your leg
So you'd better prepare,
that is, if you care...
'bout salads and regs about eggs.

There was an old geezer with gout
whose moustache contained sauerkraut
They said he's a weenie
I said no that's Meaney
if it's not right he starts to pout!

There was an old geezer with gout
whose moustache contained sauerkraut
On his shirt was a stain
and his life was mundane
bolstered by barrels of stout.

His clothes were ragged and old
His nose was bedraggled with cold
His red eyes did itch
from staring at 'Hitch'
(well, from the acapulco gold.)

More money than brains that is true
Of those buying everything new
Some of this, some of that
First a dog then a cat
I gave it all up for a shrew.

My granny wears frilly old hats
And sleeps with about twenty cats --
And the cats sleep with her, so
the old man will have to go
the whiskers are driving him bats.

If a monkey, a cow and a loon
played checkers from morning till noon,
When the three broke for lunch
They would sip mango punch
then play on till the rise of the moon.

When the moon rose, the loon took his leave,
which* the monkey could scarcely believe;
the game wasn't done—
why, they'd hardly begun!
The cow mooed "well if you please"!

When boys play with girls (and not toys),
They try not to make too much noise
But a full-throated shout
and a pint of old stout
They soon shed their clothes with their poise.

A man had a blue and a moose
Which he tried to trade for a goose.
When the goose went a-runnin'
The fellow was done in
and went on a hunt for a noose.

The qualifications for court
Are such that a barrister ought
Have a sound backup plan—
like removalist man—
or get caught sound asleep in the fort.

There once was a sweetie from Durham
Who could neither kill patients nor cure 'em
So she waffled and stewed
Did her rounds in the nude
And patients, oh my, she did lure 'em!

A courageous old warhorse from Leeds
one day found himself in the weeds
He pulled out his sword.
She screamed, "Oh, my Lord!"
"You've always looked better in tweeds!"

In Kansas we deal with the weather
Nevada thoughts deal with the nether
But here in New Jersey,
milk comes from a Guernsey,
Who may later be turned into leather.

In Kansas we deal with the weather
Nevada thoughts deal with the nether
But here in New Jersey,
Milk comes from a Guernsey,
That's tied to a tree with a tether.

In the Florentine rain an old Tuscan
Scrawled graffiti in ancient Etruscan
Though his words were imbued
with analogies crude
They'd the wit of, oh, say, David Susskind.

A snowflake fell right on my nose
Then it melted and dripped on my toes,
Which made my feet chilly
And I felt kind of silly
but certainly not lachrymose

An Einstein or Newton I'm not;
I'll stick with the brains that I've got.
My ignorant bliss
may be an abyss–
Who needs smarts when your body's this hot?

I like Potter books, Harry or Beatrix,
and tuxes, as worn to high tea at Rick's,
Though my funds won't permit
the high life led legit,
I sneak undeserved luxuries via tricks.

Are our rhymers quite up to this challenge?
And you're wondering, "would such a pal lendj'[a]"
you've made my brain hurt --
I'll go lay in the dirt
and dream of the high chapparal, NJ

The Love Boat is one sort of Ark
Where the passengers kiss in the dark.
Oh how they coo as they woo
(including crew)! Two by two,
Genetically making their mark

Methuselah lived nine hundred years
Well-respected by all of his peers.
If you're reading his story
You'll know that he's hoary:
Imagine the hair in his ears!

I tripped on the box in the hall
and woke up somewhere west of Nepal.
Though the air is quite clear,
I still wish I weren't here
and I have no idea who to call.

When out with the bulls in Pamplona
Do not bring any bologna.
If you do, you'll regret
Lacking medic or vet
Those two wonderful gents from Verona.

Oh, yes! I do like bar-b-que!
But keep it between me and you
a maestro I'm not
but cooking what's hot
is something I like to do.

My cousin eats nothing but pickles
He buys them up town with his nickels
If you give him a dime
He'd have a good time
A bill, he'd be even more tickled

On the edge of a cliff lived an ogre
He purchased his victuals at Kroger
While shopping for spuds
And a box of Milk Duds
His home was destroyed by a 'dozer

When snow and sleet are the forecast
The Post is, by Nature, outclassed
But when the sun shines
I write a few lines
and the mailman delivers 'em fast.

The Kung Fu Shiatsu masseuse
Can throw you from here to Toulouse.
She'll not break a sweat
nor the silence, and yet
but beware, she might crack your caboose.

On a windy day south of Havana
From the sky fell a truckload of manna
But then fell the truck
On one unlucky duck
And presto! - duck-manna bandana

The pizza delivery boy
Rode fast on his two-wheeled toy
But he couldn't quite manage
To gain an advantage
on the horse sent for Helen of Troy

A French attaché in Botswana
Went looking in vain for a sauna
but she ran into peril
When she peeked in a barrel
And found more flora than fauna.

A giggling gaggle of geese,
On the lookout for mirthful release,
Drank far too much brew
And, when they were threw,
needed dozens of aspirin apiece.

A gentleman from north of Springfield
Bought a dull knife and not a damn thing peeled
But what an excuse
to hire a masseuse
and meantime the soup stock congealed.

A gentleman from north of Springfield
Paused at the sign that said: YIELD.
He argued "But why?!"
Then a truck zoomed on by
And the reason for YIELD was revealed.

When my cell phone fell into the sink
I yelled "Someone bring me a drink!"
With my ear to the drain
I heard 'Lady of Spain'
And still hear it...damn, I can't think!

A big horse on four wheels is a toy
That not everyone seems to enjoy.
Those folks try to feed 'em
by catapult. "Freedom!"
And thus let the Greeks into Troy.

Forever's a long time a-coming
more so if you've got dodgy plumbing
or a neck that won't work
and a man who's a jerk
whose one skill is only ride thumbing.

The meters these days are so radical
That my brain aches; I'll take a sabbatical
I'll return here betimes
to contribute new rhymes
that are lyrical, not just grammatical.

Our meter’s so bad that you’re leaving,
And our hearts are now sad with the grieving;
If we get back on track,
Don’t forget to come back
To help with the limerick conceiving!

The snow sneaked so quick down the mountain
The ski bucks the boss is a-countin'
The lift lines are growing
And still it keeps snowing
I'd rather toss coins in a fountain!

Flattery will get you somewhere
- if you're lucky, the Folies Bergères -
But choose your words well
And try not to smell
I'll find something warm we can share...

Flattery will get you somewhere
- if you're lucky, the Folies Bergères -
But what I prefer
is to be with a her
with no chance of a curt "au contraire"

I wound up in King Arthur's court
In the halls of old Camelot's fort
I ran into Merlin
while sneaking a girl in
and now she's the new queen consort.

The painter of nude portraits balked
When Jill asked to be penciled or chalked,
For he worked in oils
and painted the Royals
through his windows which were all well caulked.

The furnace repairman was mainly
A nut case, for he, quite insanely,
would furnish a filter
that was all out of kilter
and, being a shrub, quite ungainly.

The rules of this forum are bent
and will haskins got up and went
he left Unique crying
While Jenna was trying
To work it all out before Lent.

But that's what? four? six months away?
That's plenty of time, I must say.
In the meantime, who's boss here?
The one who's least cross here?
Or whoever's willing to pay?

I've a habit of watching the news
with a pipe and a glass of Chartreuse
If I touch the remote
the boss clears her throat
and I get the workin' man blues.

The remote isn't mine, you must see;
All I have has been given to me
And it's given on loan
Not one bit is my own
And that's how I get by tax-free!

This Thanksgiving turkey's so good
Last year it tasted like wood
(But that was because
of the carpenter clause)
I got mine from a butcher. You should.

Henrietta, Marcellus, and Clarence
All look very much like their parents
except for the rash
and the Chaplin moustache
And the big nose of dear Uncle Terence.

There is one thing I try to avoid—
without being too paranoid:
abduction by mobsters
who've eaten bad lobsters
They got from a fellow named Lloyd.

My muse has gone missing in action,
Which means I'll get no satisfaction.
What I'd give for a thought!
If my muse could be caught
or forced to produce a great caption.

My house is a mess, can't you see?
And one might think it was because of me.
What I need is a shovel
to take care of this hovel
And a few weeks to dig myself free!

The near-sighted monkey fell smitten...
With a saucy (and three-legged) kitten.
But, the kitten gave birth
To a chicken named Werth
With a habit of hissin' and spittin'.

I wonder what's up with my uncle
He's digging a hole with Ted Kunkel
The neighbors are rankled,
My aunt's swollen-ankled,
And my uncle is begging for unctals.

Billy Riley was known well for his jig...
He kept sprightly with syrup of fig
But his less-limber sister
Got mad when he dissed her
And ruined his fig-eating gig.

There once was a gent in torment
For the gal who had seemed heaven-sent
had cleaned out his checking
to bankroll her necking
then garnished him twenty percent.

The circus freak taunted the judge
Who was well known to carry a grudge
So he pounded his gavel
And in accents of gravel
Recited from Barnaby Rudge

When planning your holiday shopping,
You can save yourself lots of store-hopping
By refusing to buy
Anything for a guy
From anywhere other than Wapping

The reindeer who don't make the cut
Have to play endless rounds of putt-putt
and while Rudolph makes jokes
the rest of the blokes
stand attention when he says "Ten-HUT!"

When Curly met Larry and Moe,
Those Stooges stepped on his big toe
He popped 'em but good
with a number one wood
followed up by a gardening hoe.

Six sailors set out in a ship
With a captain who wielded a whip
But it didn't seem then,
as they drank bathtub gin,
that Elvira would use it to strip

One day in the Octopus Club
The octopus needed a rub
Her masseuse, an old squid,
said, "Whatever you did,
Needs a soak in a piping hot tub.

I went Christmas shopping for hours
And it drained all my "let's be nice" powers
Just when I was done,
and stopped being fun,
'Cause I saw reindeer poop in my flowers.

I can't live up north one more minute
There's just no more levity in it
I'll make my way south
cuss words dead in my mouth
Don't you dare say to just grin and bear it!

My grandmother's chocolate fudge cookies
should not be eaten by rookies
They're loaded with chips
So if your blood sugar dips
Better postpone your calls to the bookies!

I'm willing to show you the ropes
Lim'rick writing is hardly for dopes
Nor for the timid
Or one with a slim id
or who frequently shows up on 'snopes'

The Brady Bunch family wagon-
I'm sorry to say it was draggin'
When Alice and Sam
Went to pick up some ham
The weight led to serious saggin.'

My brother went off to Morocco
His hotel was strange: quite rococo.
The bed was quite lumpy,
No sleep made him grumpy
The bellman kept yelling, "Ho! Ho! Ho"

My husband is fighting a cold
but I say it's due to the mold
His coughin' and sneezin'
is not very pleasin'
and frankly it's getting quite old.

I may have a cold or the flu
So I went to a doctor who knew
Every germ in the book
But when he took a look
At my throat he found out it was blue!

Last night when it started to snow
And the wind chill felt twenty below
I sat in my rocker
And turned on some soccer
While outside the towtrucks did tow.

This morning I started a puzzle
And whiskey proceeded to guzzle
I drank forty shots
And believe it or not
the kids I proceeded to muzzle.

The reindeer are looking so grim
Cause Santa is still way too trim
Since he cut out desserts
And wears much smaller shirts,
The kids just won't recognize him.

I'd fasten my socks to the mantle
Just under the pine-scented candle
But they're probably too small
And the stress of it all
is much more than I can handle.

My dog has been begging for treats
And he's laying on top of my feets
He whines and he drools,
Till I put down my tools
And give him some treats he can eats.

My cat is a lazy old lump
if you wake him, he's also a grump
I kicked him, he's dead,
so I'm going to bed
Wait a minute! I just saw him jump!

reph: I didn't want a verse to end with a dead cat. Old softie, yeah.

Whenever I start to wash dishes
I look at the sink and I wishes
My cat wouldn't drink
From the dishes that stink
Then pi$$ in the tank with the fishes...

I want to know right from the start,
What causes my sons both to fart.
Perhaps it's their diet
(an intestinal riot!)
'cause they honed it to an art.

I don't want to cook Christmas dinner
Which probably makes me a sinner
But I'm far too lazy
To make myself crazy.
Besides, if I don't, I'll be thinner.

If Santa had once been a hippie,
With his man boobs and the chill, he'd be nippy.
But his red hat and coat
Serve to cover his bloat
'Cause to see him in dreds would be trippy!

The New Year holds so much potential
Resolutions are therefore essential <much better
You don't need to keep 'em;
Or even reveal 'em.
They just wipe out the inconsequential.

It's Lori B's birthday today
And wouldn't it be special if Ray
did a Happy Joy Dance
without any pants
and blew sloppy kisses her way.

And after the party was over
We all played a game of Red Rover
At three hundred pounds
The plaintiff had grounds
to sandblast the white cliffs of Dover

I met my wife on Jerry Springer
The episode was a humdinger;
it's guest list was shocking
Each man wore one stocking
And I sat with a transvestite swinger

After taping the show was all done
We went out for sushi and fun.
While Jerry was witty,
His agent was gritty.
(She's known as Attila the "Hon".)

So next week, I'm on Rikki Lake
And this time so much is at stake.
When they ask "Who's yo daddy?"
I point to the caddy
He stands up and yells, "You're a snake!"

A snake I am called, yes it's true....
Now I'm off to Judge Judy to sue;
But instead, old Judge Wapner
made my ex a pauper
and greyer than Phil Donahue

The nose of Geraldo Rivera
Is as smashed as my old great aunt Clara
He pokes it in places
puts his fingers in spaces
While dressed up like Scarlett O'Hara

Sadly, for all those he meets,
this insipid advice he repeats:
"Be happy each day"
but can't tell them the way
without asking to go 'tween the sheets

My favorite, by far, is Montel
That bald top we all know so well
'Zat him on Spin City?
Oh, he look so pretty!
And his self-help books are so . . . swell!

Why is this thread always mislaid?
Are the rhyme leprechauns underpaid?
Should we nail it in place?
Or let it fall in disgrace?
Let's not let it wilt in the shade!

Keep it going, you line-by-line bards!
Tis tough when your brain is in shards
While time is the devil
You must keep that head level
But don't you be pikers, old pards*

poetinahat: *: paraphrase from Robert Service's The Quitter

I'm back in the saddle again
and dealing in pesos and yen
But all of my Euros
are invested in burros
And a noisy but egg-laden hen.

We're so glad you learned how to ride
But it's late now: come on back inside
You can't bring the horse
in for dinner, of course
he's Clydesdale, not Bonnie or Clyde...

I'm riding a wave of euphoria
But it won't get me through to Peoria
With the sun in my eyes
and some sand on my thighs
And a floozy who says her name's Gloria

So, what do we know about Nero?
Either fiddler or Wolfe, he's a hero
In toga or spats
He's juggling cats
Why? 'Cause his countdown starts well below zero.

I found a kink in my tape measure
I whacked it to show my displeasure
then to my chagrin
Bob Vila walked in
And straigtened it out at his lesiure.

Mozart turns 250 this year
Let's all celebrate with a beer!
His Divertimenti
with clouds of pink confetti
were fav'rites of old Jan Vermeer

So, if you can play a piano
any better than that iPod Nano
and you don't have the flu
then your gig starts at two
of course we'll provide the soprano.

This soprano, oh how she sings
almost like sound given wings
But she is a he
Castrada, you see
and missing two manly things.

The sun hasn't shined in a week
So I'm winging it to Martinique
I'll laze on the beach
a Mai Tai in reach
and a hand rubbing oil on each cheek.

Vacations are great for a tan
Claimed the eminent Coppertone man
I'm covered in oil
And starting to boil
Like a fish in a hot frying pan.

My computer is getting quite old
There's a new thing called 'Windows', I'm told.
It's made Bill Gates rich,
runs at 5 MegaGlitch,
but I closed it for fear I'd catch cold.

Flu season's upon us again
I got it from this sickly hen
A pandemic of one
and a nose Born to Run
sometimes John Couger's not fun.

The chills kinda' give me a thrill
Until the doc hands me his bill
Ten dollars a minute,
but the details within it
read "golf clubs" and "trip to Brazil."

The cop collared Louie the Mule
when his lookout (the bumbling fool)
started shrieking with terror
that he'd made a great error
and confounded his stash with his stool.

meaney: Sorry, that was revolting. Let me make amends:

A good little girl who wore posies
was seen drinking shots down at Josie's
belly up to the bar
order scotch in a jar
then snuggle up next to me cozy.

A young man of means and good breeding
Spent most of his time simply reading
When his secret was out
The girls would all pout
Till he finally gave in to their pleading.

There once was a maid named Rapunzel
whose dad said, "Stop spending! Our funds'll
deplete to the point
that your braid's out of joint
and the princes will think everyone's ill!"

I'll serve you a coffee gelato
Laced with some fine amaretto
If you ask for some sweetener
like a fat poncy Etoner
I'll grace your face with a tomato

The girl ambles by with a rhythm
That says to me, "She's had too much rum"
If I lit a match near her
The explosion would sear her
with flames coming out of her bum.

Does rhythm really rhyme with rum?
I'll ponder while nibbling my thumb
The heck, I'll drink it
like some kind of nitwit,
And hope I won't swallow my gum.

A pig in a poke went to market,
he took a big box of croquettes,
when he bent over
to nibble the clover
He bumped into Rosanna Arquette

The barbeque babies of Babel
were known for cooking up trouble:
a dash of dissension,
and massive retention
Reduced the whole city to rubble!

I once had fried chicken for lunch
Examined the bucket, just on a hunch
I found something with scales
And two fingernails
Which gave the 'chicken' some crunch.

I had Chinese food later that night,
and the chef was especially bright:
Into the fried rice
He stirred an egg twice
Then fashioned it into a kite

The surface of Venus is warm
My heated passion is torn
'Tween Sarah and Jane
One's heart must be slain
And one half of me forever forlorn.

If ever there was a big mess
It's when teenaged lobsters undress
With shells in the molt
It's a sight to revolt
The most hardened folks of the press.

Steak and shrimp's fine for dinner, I say
I eat one in and one takeaway
With a bottle of lager
and a spandex-clad jogger
Try and catch me to join me today

I much prefer meals made from scratch
Try lasagna! I just made a batch!
My linguine's sublime
heavy basil and thyme
And a glass of shiraz... down the hatch!

King Crimson, the Who, and Joe Cocker
ducked out for a quick game of soccer
Keith Richards dropped by
Of course, he was high
They all were-hmmm... what a shocker!

If soccer's not game of your choice
And you don't own a purple Rolls Royce,
Then you're more-or-less normal
No need to be formal
But don't you use that tone of voice!

If soccer's not game of your choice
And you don't own a purple Rolls Royce,
Then you're more-or-less normal
No need to be formal
Just let your voice come out loud and rejoice!

I came in last place in the luge
'Cause the booties they gave me were huge.
Feet first, they're a drag
caused my butt to sag
I looked like a touqe-wearin' stooge.

While skiing downhill in the winter
my ski started turning to splinters
So I dug in my pole
but I skewered a mole
and now I've got something for dinner.

I used to eat nothing but sushi
'cos my Japanese girlfriend was pushy
but now she's just dumb
poked her eye with her thumb.
You should see it! Now it's all mushy!

Happy Valentine's Day to you all
Yes, even you there alone in the hall
Come on over tonight;
If your timing is right,
we'll explore your abdominal wall.

If the sharks keep on eating our tourists
Then PETA will freak (they're such purists)
For sharks have more value
depending on milieux
than the Livestrong bands you've got on your wrists

I used to get drunk at the theatre.
The ticket girl, when I screamed "free!" at her,
said what the ****?
and started to duck.
Now, my drinking is all just a blurr.

I wish I could show you this sunset,
the one I can see from my Quonset.
Electric pastels
marred by drunk a$$holes
Look -- a mark in the sand where my buns set!

A crack in the Brandenburg Gate
Is a sign of Berlin's coming fate.
But this Thursday, at three,
they'll seal it with ghee
and hope that they're not too too late.

The conversation of late on the board
is concerning the Oslo Accord
Some couldn't do it
and would rather eschew it
Than be found soaking wet in a fjörd!

Look out, our thread may go elsewhere!
What meanest thou, Pthom? Do declare.
To the Poetry Forum
Where there's better decorum
But no one there has any hair

Rhymegirl may be the exception
her extrasensory perception
bristles and spikes
like spokes in kids' bikes
dazzle us in broken reflection.

But you know, my buddy's an ace
to his parents, a major disgrace
But the local tattooist
(I think he was Jewisht)
gave him 10% off a Full-Face...

These pretzels are making me thirsty
and my breath is all garlic bratwurst-y
So replenish my stein
This is the next line
And we'll drink till our rhymes aren't so worst-y.

Pthom: (If Jewisht can make it, so can worst-y, right?) :: shrug ::

There once was a feminine rhyme
Who's rhythm was very sublime
'til a male preposition
adjusted position
And the last line came out in mime

When the low hanging fruit is all gone
and your balance sheet looks like a yawn
Then pick up your socks
Have some gin on the rocks
And join us for boules on the lawn

The Tanqueray tickertape tourney,
judged by Bert and Ernie,
drew in a crowd
loud, very loud!
My virgin ears left on a gurney.

O flatulent, singing guitar,
staccato rudeness amplified far
and the singing of strings,
the reeking of beans,
Sent me driving away in my car.

Pthom: flatulent guitar? huh?
poetinahat: Haven't you ever heard of 'feedback'? Now c'mon and throw us a line.
Pthom: Yeah, I've heard of feedback--have even heard feedback. But I never heard any that I'd call flatulent. Nonetheless, the poem was completed before I could throw out anything ... or open a window.

Fortescue Fondant the Fourth
Came from the land to the north.
While seeking a star
He walked into a bar
and said, "Yes! He shooteth... he scoreth!"

A magnum of Kenyan champagne
Was sent overseas on a plane
Everywhere it did burst
Without quenching thirst
Much to the passengers disdain.

A prissy old spinster from Bath
With unladylike grumbles of wrath
Exclaimed to her friend
my bum's on the mend
Those 'roids were a pain in the ath!!

Although she was near eighty-two,
her teats were as stubborn as glue
they'd stick to each other
nip-locked like lovers
'till hubby makes one into two.

Her face was a roadmap of worry,
for the years had passed by in a hurry.
Two husbands, four kids
Left her life on the skids
And the booze made her vision quite blurry

A boisterous and crabby old coot
Gave her slovenly husband the boot
When the pool boy came by
She exclaimed "Me oh my!
Now there's a trombone I could toot..."

The baronet's simpering lackey
Said "Dahling, that's just a bit tacky.
Red plaid and green stripes
Go with lumberjack types,
and you, dear, look better in khaki."

I'm out on Bikini Patrol.
(No, not the atomic atoll.)
Who's that in a thong?
I might say- it's just wrong...
a bum like the Hollywood Bowl.

How far can spandex give way?
"Pretty far," I've heard others say
But there are side effects
that resemble train wrecks
And send passers-by running away.

Another bad fashion mistake
Hawaiian shirt at a relative's wake
Though the flowers aren't lei'd
I should still be afraid
if the hula girls started to shake.

A pair of moon boots on your feet
Is needed when snow in the street
But you wear them to bed
"No, no!" mother said.
"In sleep you'll retain too much heat."

Now that Jack's showered and shaved
And remarkably well-behaved
He might be forgiven
For makin' a livin'
defendin' that ****er, James Frey.

My oven's a few degrees cold
The frig's hirsute growing mold
and my blender? - don't ask
It wasn't up to the task
Neither am I- so I'm told!

While dancing around in the kitchen
PSG got nekkid without flinchin'
And the real coup de grace
Warn't the egg on her face
'Twars the holes in her soles she was stitchin'.

This tattoo don't look like it should...
It covers my neck like a hood
In colors of black, red, and green
and a septic sheen
Who told me that tat artist was good?

One of these days you'll get laid
Without even having it paid
But watch out for sleaze
and the genital sneeze
and the offer to take it in trade.

Spring is on its way
so put on your snowpants and play.
Suck down some cocoa
And put away your po-po (relax, don't go loco)
and slide on your sled while ye may

A painter was dipping his brush
Into the delicate colour of blush
He tripped and fell down
Stuck his foot in the brown
And his beautiful canvas, he did crush.

I once met a man in the park
Reading, while naked as a lark
So I stole his umbrella
He pointed to his little fella
and said, "How ya like my bookmark?"

I can't understand Dr. Phil
To think of him gives me a chill
His moustache and bald head
look like Pringle's Can Ted*
And with plenty of bullsh*t he's filled**

poetinahat: *(let's just pretend that's his name)
Prosthetic Foreheads: **(no pretending necessary)

A dirty old man and his maid
Tried to figure out how to get paid
he dusted her thong
with the end of his schlong
She gasped, "That's quite nice," and she stayed.

A night on the town's what Fred needs
To give topless girls mardi gras beads
but his wife, she objects...
but then again, she's a woman, so why listen to her, because, really, who listens to women? -- especially when they object.
That was a long fourth line, indeed

Jen's a fine young lass who sleeps 'round
despite that young cads do abound
She insists, "It's no bother,"
Lets out a yelp and a holler
and gymnastic tricks that will astound

The medal you get for fourth place
Is not a sign of disgrace
But it happens to show
What you didn't know
This wasn't a three-legged race.

While dancing one night cheek to cheek
I found myself drawn to this freak
his face inside-out
quite the boorish lout
so I handed him off to a geek.

While swimming the Agean sea,
I desperately needed to pee.
But the Water Inspector
had a urea detector
So everyone knew it was me!

I overheard two plumbers talking
about a crack that needed caulking
one's pants dipped low
giving quite a show
and the crack was stuffed with a stocking

The wind lifted her skirt up high
He got a tasty peek at her thigh
pink panties made him smile
a fantasy to defile
And then he realized it was a guy!

She put the money in her pocket
And a picture of him in her locket
Dangled it from her neck
And said, "What the heck?"
If I can't sell it, I'll hock it.

One day on his way to the vet
with a large and hair-challenged pet
He smelled something rotten
Like an egg long forgotten
'Twas the funkiest thing he'd yet met

Young Ted grew to be a man-wh*re
You could tell by the spandex he wore
Too much was revealed
When his seams came unsealed
And peer-group response was quite poor.

I'm licking a liquorice lolly
and handing it over to Polly
She dropped it on the floor
Then asked me for more
But she ain't gonna get it, by golly!

A nervous young fellow from Frisco
Wore his Travolta white suit to a disco
But the seam in his pants
split and showed off his lance
And his bum had a sheen like Crisco

Out on the beach in the sun
I ran into a witty old nun
Although I was nude
(Which you might say was rude)
I still got a pinch on the bun.

Out on the beach in the sun
I ran into a witty old nun
Although I was nude
(Which you might say was rude)
She laughed as she pointed and made fun.

Some lines are a mystery to me
Something about them I can't see
Be it meter or meaning
or lines for dry cleaning
or the line to the restroom to pee

Do you remember how mom and dad yelled
Into one, the arguments would meld
A continuous loop
of loud verbal poop
They'd even cuss while peanuts were shelled

Now boys are known to be randy
When sitting in front of eye candy
They drool and they moan
And they let out a groan
When the lap dancer lets them get handy.

My mother, the lady of pleasure
of children said, "No not a treasure --
They eat and they stink
And I shall spank their bottoms until they're nice and pink
Then I'll shove bars of soap in their mouths and put them in a chair in the corner and make them write "I will behave" one hundred times, just for good measure.

I had a great thought in the shower
And was awed by its grandeur and power,
But when I dried off,
I gave a slight cough
and said, "No one will buy purple flour."

The meat man knocked on the front door
He was late; it was already four.
He gave me a slab
of inedible drab
Pizza de jour? Never more.

Pizza de jour? Never more.
Mine had anchovies, figs and roast boar
But for me the last straw
Was meat that was raw
Now from the retching, my belly is sore

Under the table, my dog ate the scraps
Later that night, we had to play taps
For poor doggie was dead
From those scraps he was fed,
That were riddled with bird-flu perhaps?

Renaissance ideals only faulter,
Pardon me while I put on my halter,
and you in your chaps
will earn a few claps
but possibly leave you alone at the alter

Redhead gals and their baldheaded men
Are really nothing like Barbie and Ken,
But when they go cruisin'
And dancin' and boozin'
They're young in their hearts once again.

A bird in the rain on a wire
thought he should be a high flyer
a voltage spike frizzed
his brain was cheese-whizzed
And now he will make a good fryer.

There once was a poet named Zach
His humorous pieces showed his knack
His prose was the biz
you should all have a squiz*
And find out for yourself he's no hack

poetinahat: *it means "have a look"... shame on you!

The wife tells me she's taking a break from the sex
'Cos her love life was tangled, extremely com-plex
So she completely disrupted the limericks meter
Which opened the door to a free-form jazz ending, zoo bop be do be bop
and she went down on me.

In the woods, the fox awaits
for chickens, roasted, on plates
But he'll have to wait longer
Cuz' the chickens were stronger
On steroids whilst lifting huge weights

Meanwhile on a log by the stream
The reunion concert of Cream
Led Zep had a cow,
Freddie M. took a bow,
but it all ended up as a dream

March 14- a great day for the men
March Madness, they'll be in the den
But don't let them out
They might very well pout
Just chuck 'em some beer now and then

The best thing about adolescence
is probably not the tumescence
Nor hormones in disarray
Nor using too many syllables in play
It's not looking like Donald Pleasence

The fathers of Fabulous Frank
Had plenty of dough in the bank
It's too bad he's dead
But ere passing, he said,
"I wish there was beer in this tank."

If it's spring, then why is it so cold?
Outside should be windy and bold.
The daffodils bend,
the sun needs to send,
A message, put Speedos on hold.

The man in the Speedo so tight
Gave most of the ladies a fright
They were scared of the lump
Which was more of a "stump"
And turned to the left, not the right.

The bicycle rider from France
Swore he'd leave nothing to chance!
He packed up his gear
And settled his rear
But he still was beat soundly by Lance!

Ol' Buck will sing for us no more.
He hates HMS Pinafore
he hated the songs
and wearing the thongs
but the high heels he really adores.

I awoke at three-twenty a.m.
Went naked to the ocean to swim
I felt a bit chilled
but my hubby was thrilled
happy twas me and not him.

While jogging one day in the fog
I tripped and fell over a log
I scraped up my knees
and got covered in fleas
Some days I hate being a dog!

If you :poke: me again I will :cry:
Then I'll :e2poke: this sharp stick in your:e2steer:
I'll :whip: your :e2moon:
then I'll :e2hammer: your :idea:

Pthom: And, in other news, the old Limerick thread, that withstood the move a year ago from ezboard, has finally come to a crashing demise, perhaps because of lack of suitable graphic imagery, perhaps just because ... Oh, I can't go on...sob, sob, sob.

And once I am done it's :e2salute: (goodbye)

A limerick lover from Hue
penned on the walls of the loo
For a good time, just call
Mary Alice, or Paul
at 867-5302

By jotting that phone number down,
And hailing a cab for uptown
With polka-dot clothes
A man in green hose
Shot the cabby and fled underground.

Curmudgeon's a hard word to rhyme;
I don't think I'll try to, this time.
Instead, I will strive
to keep this alive
And toss back a tequila and lime.

I think I shall start up a blog
detailing my life as a frog
But to write in a swamp
is no better than Donald Trump
is no better than Trump <-- compulsive metrical fix (poetinahat)
So I'll swap POV with the hog.

A stringy old cat named McPhee
caught a virus (ironical-ly)
by the name of General Lee
and now he's caught in a tree
Spouting the same rhymes constant-ly

Solatium: (meter is dead)

Let's make this more difficult still
like swallowing a large, bitter pill
That looks like a beetle
And pokes like a needle
And smells like a bucket of swill

I'm not all that trusting, you know
to follow wherever you go
but give me a pinch
and a bright yellow finch
I'll try it as long as it's slow

A twittering thrush on a branch
stood tall and surveyed the ranch,
a rustling was heard
below this young bird
the size of the snake made him blanch.

Unique: (whew- didn't realize not much ends in -anch; I do now!)

'This sandwich tastes funny', he said.
'It might be the corduroy bread...'
'But what are the ridges?'
It's covered in midges,
And some of them aren't quite dead.

A tiresome American actor
Is Scientology's main benefactor
A samurai he's not
his credibility shot
All Kidman aside (the Ex factor).

Flesh weak, but the spirit is willing
for two farthings and a half shilling
I'd give up strong drink
For a chance at the pink
it's been years since I had a good thrilling...

The reason I'm sober today
Is simply because of the play
The curtains won't open
I'm behind the Pope, and
He's kept all the wine for his pray

PrettySpecialGal: (okay- say it out loud- and sorry to you Catholic-types out there. Poet started it)

The poetry contest- oh, boy!
The thought of it fills me with joy!
So, write one for Mom
and hope it don't bomb
After all, she's like Helen of Troy!

The next one will be about Dad
A man who was ever so sad
Because he had heard
That MOM is the word
For Maker Of Mud: it's so bad!

Pthom: (glad to see you all keeping this alive; sorry I've been away from it for so long.)


02-17-2008, 11:57 AM

If only I had enough time
I'd think of a cleverer rhyme
you see I'm a poet,
Even though I don't know it
And that's why this verse is sublime.

Coffee is good for my talent
drinking it makes me feel gallant
'till it hits me down low
and I just gotta' go
Shows the lack of my bladder's raw talent

The season for me is baseball
my team's colors I paint on my face-all
those styrofoam hands
way up in the stands
protesting the umpire's call.

He was not "safe" he was out
but his argument had little clout
catcher stepped on the bag
saved the game with a tag
Now we all get to watch the boy pout!

Thank goodness it's sunny today.
Just right for a roll in the hay.
Whether your field or mine
We'd still be entwined
and filmed, I am sure, by Ray.

The weekend is pressing upon me
like tight pants on a fella' named Lee
I'll have a few beers
And start shakin' my rear
and see who I can pick up for free.

King Midas was counting his gold
In the nude, too. Boy was HE bold.
As he sat on his throne,
he let out a groan
'Cause as we all know, gold cash is cold.

“Oh, well,” I said, “I did try.”
But she said, "You're not my type of guy."
"You're fat and you're hairy
and you work in a dairy,
in the words of Dionne... Walk On By."

Potatoes are good for the soul
though they are fattening as hell, you know
love handles beware
though I really don't care
just hand me the rest of the bowl.

A girl on a bike took a ride
Through scenic West Merseyside
She fell flat on her belly
when she ran o'er a Welly
and scraped off a big patch of hide.

A tender young laddie was he
When he climbed to the top of the tree.
With spyglass in hand
And his whole evening planned,
He watched the whole ballgame for free.

When Anne got undressed by the mirror
her sweet, hidden charms became clearer.
Her nurples were purped
"I'm a hottie" she burped
And the customer had to pay dearer

If we had a line from Melisande . . .
the Limerick Thread would be grand!
but lines from all others
(including our mothers)
have gotten a bit out of hand.

Pthom: (Adjusting a lot, just because I felt the need; send me bad reps if you hate it.)

If ye're runnin' skeered fer yer life
In the old Scottish county of Fife
Beware ye the sheep
And the comp'ny they keep
'Cuz one of 'em might know yer wife!

I apologize to you. Profusely.
I know that you're not fond of muesli
It's thick and it's gritty
oh, what a pity
But it's food... and I use the term loosely

The Sheriff of Nottingham's pants
Was attacked by a mound of red ants
Why he left them where
all the townfolk would stare
and did Napoleon Dynamite's dance

The pants, however, were found
and returned to him safe and sound --
and mended, to boot
now fit for the coot
So he could go prancing around.

Whenever I try to remember
what I did last December
My mind goes all glitt'ry
My heartbeat gets jitt'ry
from the wine I drank in November.

I just went to San Francisco
And followed a man to a disco
Keith Richards was there
and he took my dare
by eating a box marked "Nabisco".

I hate to bathe my three dogs.
Their fur always causes drain clogs.
The soap is so harsh that it
Even pained me a bit
So next time I wore London Fog.

while sailing alone in a boat
and clad in only a coat
I practiced morse code
while dreaming of Spode
and praying I'd stay afloat.

There once was a laptop from hell
though it's keyboard worked rather well
it's mouse was quite rabid
whenever I'd grab it
It let out an ear-splitting yell.

You could hear it three miles away
It sounded like Charlotte Corday
but the French Revolution
set back our evolution
it might even take us all day.

When you are updating your blog
It's best if you stay off the grog
Don't drink and write
Or it'll be sh!te
And you'll end up face down in the bog

A gentleman farmer from Cork
Was a little too fond of his pork
he dressed it in silk
and soaked it in milk
and took him out walking in York.

A pig in high heels is a sight
only to witness at night.
In nylons and garters
piggy thong for martyrs
fishnet bacon has no cellulite

The next time you tickle my fancy
I'll strike your sweet cheek with a pansy
I'll nuzzle your neck
and oh, what the heck
Please, oh please call me Nancy

Dear Lord, just what is that smell
my secretions are starting to jell
A damp little spot
Is getting quite hot
I knew they'd toast weiners in Hell.

Friday nights used to be fun
but now the weeks are just done
By Saturday morn
I'm feeling forlorn
And eat chocolate 'til I weigh a ton

My pants feel awfully tight,
Just getting them on is a fight
I shouldn't have eaten
God Lord, I feel beaten
but I'm steppin' out for a bite.

Pink poodles can cause an uproar
if you let them run wild in a store
Lay them down for a nap,
They'll jump up with a yap
and then knock you down for the score.

Dogs aren't my favorite I say
Does the first line describe me? No way!
In fact, they're quite yummy,
I'd even say scrummy
So pass me the hot sauce, Ole`

You see that I've got you again
so pour me a drink, I'll say 'when'
I'll drink 'til you're hot
even though you are not
and I'll give you a snog now and then

The latest in wallflower fashion
Is to wear a tiara most smashin'
with hair out to there
and a ribbon tied -- where?
And a basket to put all the cash in

It rained as I blew out the candle
it poured as I searched for the handle
I grabbed hold of the glass
as I spoke to the class
about the political scandal

The scandal was rather complex
Involving no drugs and no sex
And there was not a peep
but many secrets to keep
For Dubya, who some know as "Tex"

But Bill Clinton sure has his share
of silky pastel underwear
But it isn't all his
you can tell by the jiz
and the short dark and curly brown hair.

The ball game was halted by rain
that rolled in off the coast from Espain
Derek's balls got all wet
All three of the set
If I dry them, d'ya think he'd complain?

It's foggy and cold in the city
is that frost growing on my left titty?
Is my bra made of brass?
Gee, that's ice on my a$$
So let's get down to the real knitty gritty!

One day I felt full of debauchery
whilst wearing my fine satin lingerie
But the thing of it was
(Since sin is as sin does)
that purple and pink causes gauchery.

Old Hiram dressed well on the set
Of the show where he played an ex-vet
His lepoard-skin coat
from a patient of note
was a risk that he wore for a bet.

Their once was a cat with nine lives
that gave me a case of the hives
so revenge I did plot
and nice it was not
He's neutered, with seventeen wives

When the kitty runs past shedding fur
Watch out for that ol' Raymond Burr
Who'll pounce on poor kitty
But then stop short, with pity
No Burr in the fur equals purr!

A doggy with fleas cannot scratch
repeatedly at a bald patch
that sits on his bum
until it goes numb
without infecting the whole batch.

Mauve monkeys create quite a stir
but of all the pastels in fur
one has to concur
they look rather demure
wearing ping booties while doing their duties

A pastor whose thoughts were inscrutable
But whose faith in the flesh was immutable
Was caught inflagrante
With ex-popstar Adam ant
Whose love he found quite indisputable

Now on the subject of pop stars
Madonna and Pink live in box cars
and as for our Britney
she's writing a litany
And here's her paid ticket for Mars.

We'll all send her off with a bang
She'll be dressed the same as her gang
In high heels and stockings
her boots won't be knocking
how disappointed we all are-- oh, dang!

There once was a man from Australia,
Who planted a hot pink azalea;
Which started to shrink
For want of a drink...
consumed in full-dress regalia.

It's hotter than hot peppers here,
so sweaty, my t-shirt looks clear!
My boobs are afloat
Folks are starting to note
as they bob up to meet with my ear.

The ice in this place is so chilly,
and I realize this sounds a bit silly
but as cold as I am,
I'm craving fried Spam
served by an ex-pres called Willy,

Hot doggies can smell up your house
when they piss on your favorite blouse
And kitty is obsessed
with wearing my dress
and leaving it spattered with mouse.

I'm only along for the ride
Said the girl who was sitting inside
She was sitting in back
Clinging tight to a sack
She paid me to go take her to hide

The sack contained a mystery
a portal in time through history
It went to the past,
when she once had a blast
scaling cliffs, though the climb made her blistery.

There once was a young lad named Harry
whose uncle said, "Boy, never marry!"
But to his utmost dismay
He'd married that day,
his cousin, a sweet girl named Mary.

When stalking a little red hen,
A bonnie wee laddie called Ben
came up with an egg
Half the size of his leg
and whipped up an omelette for ten

The echo poked through my sleep--
That annoying, repeating beep-beep;
I wished it would go,
I'd have paid it some dough,
To sink into the ocean so deep.

One day while afloat on the sea
a giant bird landed on me,
He sat down for a nap
Right there on my lap
And whispered, "We'll see what we see."

As I ascended to heaven today
aloft to my home far away
I looked down on the sinners,
the drunkards and winners,
And then said to them "Up, up and away"

School will be starting real soon,
and at prices, my wallet will swoon.
Three hundred dollars or more
We spent at the store
between ten o'clock and noon!

A great horned owl lives in my tree.
I was underneath it when it started to pee.
ThreeDog loaned you a tissue,
And said "This ain't no issue.
The wildlife and tissue are free."

Midnight can be quite a bother,
It's so dark, I can't find my father.
So I follow the snorring
Heard over the pouring,
Of the whisky he hides from my mother.

Pink piggies can cause a commotion,
but good Scotch is such a fine potion.
When drunk by the jug,
don't swallow the bug!
Or you'll be needing calomine lotion.

Good scotch I really do crave
When riding the crest of a wave
But if my board fails me,
and Customs Man jails me
I guess I'll end up Bubba's slave

The popsicle gives me brain freeze
the taste leaves me weak in the knees
They're really delicious
In fact, I'm suspicious
What's the flavor? OH! Carrots and peas!

There once was a girl from Texas
Who's power was simply to vex us.
She sprinkled her posts
With literary toasts
'n prose more tangled than a nexus

The sight turned my stomach to mush
I mean really, the tail on that tush!
it hung low in the middle,
even once played the fiddle
in a tribute to George W. Bush.

A hog on a log in a bog
In the fog looked just like a frog.
he so loved the wood that he straddled
when the owl came he didn't skedaddle
then the hog jumped, ate the owl-- what a.....er......hog!

I have a favorite dish
it's painted with a fish.
My kid tried to chip it,
To smash it, to flip it,
And now it won't hold my knish!

I had to move out of my condo
because of my squeeze, named Rondo
He'd driven right thorugh it,
and I couldn't glue it
Not even with extra-strength Bond-O.

I wish I had a pickle
They're what, like a nickel?
I'd slice it up small,
green bumps and all
and then it would my palate tickle.

A pea in a pod in a pail
held by golden-haired little girl Gail
Alliteration she prized
Correct grammar, despised
And poetry made our Gail wail.

Young Malcolm was late for his date
Too bad, the souflee can't wait
It softened and sunk
He swore he'd been punk'd
As he watched it deflate on his plate.

I ran to my mailbox today
To get the shoes I bought on ebay
I was hoping they'd fit
But they pinched quite a bit,
yet I can't quite give them away.

If ever you find yourself stuck
Hurting, or down on your luck.
Just dust off those buns,
Stick to your guns,
and grab your self-pity to chuck

I feel like a coin on its edge
Without a head or a tail to hedge.
It's like somebody flipped me,
As if life somehow gypped me
but I ain't gonna jump off this ledge.

My scooter, she stops on a dime
And her engine is simply sublime
It's blue like the sea
Just perfect, like me!
But she craps out on hills every time.

In the summertime Johnny picks pears,
Which is tough in the knickers he wears
It's not a great job
for a buck and a bob
Still, Johnny can pick pears like a sonofabitch.

clock work9: Just kidding. :rolleyes:

But to Johnny there's naught that compares.

I've maxed out my Visa again
for that pool table down in the den.
Who knew I'd be loosin',
The wife gave me a bruisin'
and that eight ball has lost all its zen

The clouds just flew 'cross the sky
I looked up, fell back and heaved a great sigh.
As the sunshine bloomed,
The sky it consumed,
'twas really a nuke, exploding sky-high.

I'm sure I saw Tom Hanks today
while sailing out on the back bay
Was he shooting a flick?
He was holding a ... stick
Man, he's whacked - I hope he's OK.

At Starbucks, the queue was so long
I've just heard the 35th song
All I wanted was tea
And a bag of coffee
But the jerks got my order all wrong.

It's been a hard day's night
What they want is love at first sight
It's the freakiest show
Baby, this I know
I love you whether it's wrong or right.

I should stay away but what can I do?
She said, "If you come back I'll sue!"
So I started this poem,
Hopin' she's knowin'
I'm not really a boy named Sue.

When Mikey and Jenny go out
(As friends, of course) Mikey's a lout,
With his button down fly
He's not very shy
of using his credit card clout.

I had a very odd nightmare last night
It began with fall from great height
I was totally nude
And such a big prude
I gave my old neighbour a fright.

A preacher, a nun and a monk
Locked a priest inside their car trunk
Blaspheming the crime
they swore he'd do time
But all they heard was a very loud thunk.

It's National Flugelhorn Day,
When Flugelhornists gather to play
They heave and they blow
And flop to and fro
and all in a minor key of A

No sax before a big game
Really, it's quite a big shame
Don't suck, don't blow
Who knows what might grow?
Hey, who says double entendres are lame?

Operator, please get me New York
I can't seem to dial with this fork
There's no answer at all
I've been waiting since Fall!
Ah, hell, it's quicker to walk.

Operator, please get me New York
I can't seem to dial with this fork
There's no answer at all
I've been waiting since Fall!
and that editor is being a dork

I just fell for a publishing scam
I paid ninety bucks adn then BLAM!
They promised the moon,
What a buffon!
Now who'll buy my book about spam?

I have me a strange little itch.
I can't scratch it; it's really a b*tch
a coathanger unwound,
can a door jam be found?
Or is this a curse by a witch?

Is it true nothing rhymes with orange
There are no words like lorange or borindge?
And what about purple?
Like flurple, and nurple,
All that's left is unrhymable orange.

Once Henry had finished his drink,
And came to the drunkenness brink,
He fell off his chair,
then leapt in the air
and gave us all a wink

The best way to kill limerick thread
Is never to post; to assume that it's dead
Or subjects complex
Rhymes that do vex,
Put this limerick thread to bed.

"Flight one-twenty-five is delayed,"
said the pilot, and now I'm dismayed.
I purchased my ticket.
Now they've told me to stick it.
(Next they'll tell me my bags are waylaid.)

I found a surprise in the mail.
An ant, two cards and a pail,
a pack of green jello,
a frog who said hello,
A computer, a boat, and a sail.

With Cavendish right by my side
With Corky, Skip and McBride,
We skipped to the loo
It was like a "Who's Who"
But now we could sure use a ride!

The fan in my ceiling has paddles.
Is MM taking the pisch-taddle?
She's known as a joker
I say we revoke her
And then everyone should skedaddle.

When walking out in the rain
My knees they gave me a pain
They buckled, I fell
(Bad luck, down a well!)
Guess I won't be walking again

In a midsummer storm I sat down
held onto a tree, lest I drown.
I saw fish pass me by,
And birds in the sky
What on earth's going on with my town?

They tell me I've got scoliosis.
It's a terribly sad diagnosis.
If I want clothes to fit
It costs quite a bit.
It'd be easier if I'd just caught pertussis.

My feet are beginning to stink.
After ten laps round the roller-skate rink
my armpits are sweating.
Didn't look, but I'm betting
that I really could use a big drink.

My Ibizan Hound is trying to fly
It's very strange. I don't know why.
She caught sight of a squirrel,
that was trying to hurl,
And promptly took off for the sky

A kitten the size of Damascus
(how it got that size, don't even ask us)
I just changed his litter,
as the bird started to twitter,
Now it's time for his Baked Alaskas.

The movie got two thumbs up,
But I hope "why" never comes up.
You see, I was drunk
And there was this skunk...
One line each is probably enough!

My child would only eat porridge
Better, I guess, than having to forage
With honey and raisins
So sweet it was brazen
Tomorrow I lock the oats up in storage

The teacher said "It's osmosis,"
and that's how I caught psittacosis.
A nasty bacterium,
I feel a delirium!
What if it's also tuberculosis!?

The teacher said "It's osmosis,"
and that's how I caught psittacosis.
A nasty bacterium,
I feel a delirium!
And I smell rather like halitosis.

My bottom is feeling quite sore.
That nob-off was just such a snore!
My nob and my bottom,
Are now swathed in cotton.
Please sir, can I have some more?

I found kitty litter in my shoe.
It was used; what should I do?
I put my foot in,
It felt like a small pin.
Thank goodness there was no poo!

I once stubbed my toe on a hose.
How on earth, God only knows.
I swore and I cussed.
f*** and s*** were a must
Then with disgust I fell on the rose

When speaking extempore
Becomes too much of a chore, hey
I pull out my notes
On sheep and on goats
And I think of my friend Gustav Dore'

I'm going to sleep in the dingy
but before that I think I will sing-y
a lighthearted song
We can all sing along
and chant while I'm waving my thing-y.

Alone on the wide open sea
It's just ol' Spongebob and me
I'll sing out, "Ahoy!"
(So, is that thing a boy?)
No, Spongebob's a toy, don't you see?

The Suffragan Bishop of York
Had to help his boss with a fork
It weighed a good ton
And his truss came undone
He wore it because he's a dork.

When hustling red beans and rice
The atmosphere has to be nice
You will need a stronge breeze
In case someone should sneeze.
And knock jamb'laya on scurrying mice

Sometimes I think I can rhyme
At least one line at a time
Oh no, it's line three
Hang on, whilst I pee.
I'm only the fourth one in line!

If I were a bright red pear
With skin both soft and fair
I'd throw a party
With wine and havarti
And chocolate would crash the affair.

The tiger was stalking through grass
Pouncing too soon would be crass
His prey looked quite yummy
but smelled a bit rummy
Marinated? Humph! He decided to pass.

Finnegan taught me to pray
But not in the usual way
Once I bent over
Oh Lord, was it over
I landed face down in the hay.

The cows went out juking last night
Sad to say it ended with a fight
One said, "Steers and queers,"
Shouldn't mix gins and beers
And I'm sorry to say, they were right!

A limerick that doesn't scan
is just like a flash in the pan
it sits and it founders
the rhythmless bounders
Can't scan? Oh man, what's your plan?

Morning sneaks on little cat feet
Watching them creep can be such a treat.
But if you don't see them
Then how can you free them?
And that cat without feet isn't sweet

The bedcovers all in a heap
The bull*** had gotten so deep.
I got me a shovel,
to clean up this hovel.
From that guy, 'nary a peep!

There once was a flyin' green toad.
Who was caught, poached and served a la mode!
It tasted like chicken
And was ripe for the pickin'
right off the asphalted road.

I have to smoke now or you'll die
The Surgeon General has told us a lie
Smokes are for smoking
And then the docs will be poking
Heroin too, by the by.

My RayBans from ebay are fake!
My Oakleys fell in the lake,
My Serengetis are cracked
My Aviators whacked
My Pradas were smahed by a rake.

I ran everyone off from this thread
Maybe they've all gone to bed?
What on earth did I do?
Was it me or you?
Nope - they're having a party with Fred.

I ran everyone off from this thread
Maybe they've all gone to bed?
Or watching TV?
God I'm lone-ly
"Single malt scotch is the answer," he said.

So, how far down did he fall,
When old Humpty fell off of the wall
His measuring tape
Got stuck in his cape
So the distance would be a tough call.

It's time for a limerick lesson
Cut right to the chase, no more messin'
Get with the beat
you don't have to cheat
so there's no need for confessin'.

A boat and a motor are fun
Especially when drove by a nun
her wimple is flaggin'
her boobies are saggin'
Don't you love to see nuns on the run?

If the moon was a great big orange
Seen over the back door flange
I'd dance on the grass
Fall flat on my ***
and lament that my vision has poor range.

A typical typist from Tampa
Took her portable down to the ramp, a
Plan to catch rays while she worked
then her right hand jerked
twas the leash attached to her grampa.

When visiting the old folks at homne
I've the implacable urge to roam
So I borrow the carraige,
They bought on their marriage
And wander off to write them a poem.

When they see their ride's missing they call
'You can't take that thing to the mall!'
But Orlando, he's signing!
All the girls will be pining.
If I stay home I'll be climbing the wall.

I driven them all away
No one at all wants to stay
Sorry Maggie, been busy!
Work's made me dizzy
I'll make it up to you all some day!

The first line is tricky to write,
Now that there're TWO limericks in sight.
If I don't smell the flowers
The gardener glowers
And the insects are waiting to bite.

I stopped to sniff at a rose
But a bumblebee flew up my nose
With the bee up my conk
I gave a great honk
And blew all the flowers off the rose.

A duel between Danny and Martin
got cancelled due to the fartin'
The smell was repulsive
My laughs were convulsive
and amicable was the partin'.

The Man With No Name is in town
To take those cattle rustlers down,
he'll run away giggling
Though a thought may be niggling
and he'll leave you wearing a frown.

Tommy told Mary 'I hate you'
She's boring, just like a statue
"you are ever so dull"
"you talk so much bull"
Nonetheless, I want to date you

It was on the 6th of July
That Mary discovered Tom's lies,
so she gave him a smile,
and schemed for a while,
Before feeding him to bears, oh my!

I had an audition today
I had to fight Cassius Clay!
I started quite well,
then I tripped and I fell
I didn't get the job, suffice to say.

Is Pluto a planet or not?
In the universe it's just a spot.
There have always been nine,
and we think that's fine.
But plenty of people do not.

They've cut off my gass supply
and I honestly don't know why
I paid off the bill
man was that a thrill
Those bastards are sucking me dry!

How will I cook dinner tonight?
No gas after the Cassius fight
Looks like cold cuts again
Or that old pickled brain,
and that week-old coca cola lite

How will I cook dinner tonight?
No gas after the Cassius fight
Looks like cold cuts again
Or that old pickled brain
Still it's better than Angel Delight. (for the Brits)

Gah! Die, Godfather, die!!
That saddle's a bit too fly.
He posts too quick,
and my fingers are thick.
Again, die Godfather, die!!

No one likes a double dactyl
They think it's complex like a fractal
To rhyme dactyl's a b*tch
It just takes a real witch
Dactyl, dactyl, dactyl.

clock work9: (sorry)

When I stubbed my toe I yelled ****
The skin peeled back in a flap.
The blood dripped out
I staggered about
F**k, this is worse than the c**p

Let's give a shout to the 'Father.
'Cause really, it ain't no bother.
In one word, I'd say...
He's cool, f*ckin' A
We'll work ourselves into a lather.

K1P1: [only works with a British Accent]

I once took a bus to Khartoom
but this guy on the bus when boom.
There arose such a clatter,
of this terrorist matter
Who brought us all to our doom

At the restaurant I ordered my steak rare
I didn't know that they only served bear
But when in Rome
Pretend you are home
And eat your chopped parsley with pear.

"No thank you," was all that she said.
When our hero asked her to bed
I'd rather not sleep
With two pigs and a sheep
And a straw pillow under my head.

Once, long ago, in the West,
there was a man who wore a green vest
With purple pants
And red shoes to dance,
he wouldn't let the cowboys rest.

I was born in a convoy of trucks
'cause my mom was down on her luck
As the highway rolled past
I grew up real fast
As a wandering son-of-a-schmuck.

He auctioned his wife on Ebay
'Cuz she always had too much to say.
For a buck forty-four
She's right out the door
Thanks to FedEx she's now on her way.

To frighten some kids on her block
Old Maggie would don that pink frock
And dye her hair green,
then cause SUCH a scene!
With a red, pink and purple stuffed sock.

The washing machine ate my sock.
Man, this whole thing's such a crock!
I want my sock back
But the dryer attacked
Hey, at least it did not eat my smock.

The washing machine ate my sock.
Man, this whole thing's such a crock!
I want my sock back
But the dryer attacked,
so I gave it a cinder block.

One summer day I laughed so hard
The ref gave me a yellow card
To head-butt one's chest
I nearly confessed,
then knocked out a security guard.

A footballer's life can be tough
I go diving on field and in muff
A concussion, I have
Perhaps a good salve,
Would help and also cure dandruff.

Your dog has just peed on my shoe.
My heavens, what shall we do?
I'm soaked to the socks!
My car's up on blocks
Thank God he did not let go of his poo.

Just who will clean up the mess
I'm gagging, I'll have to confess
Things sure went awry,
Like a crazy shrimp fry!
Not me! I've got on my best dress

We went to the Friday night fish fry
Lot's of food, but the keg was bone dry
We sent out for some more
But when we got to the store
Twas locked for the night - did I cry!

It was a frolicking day at the races
The horses kicked off all their traces
When the last race was done
They sat in the sun
and poked fun at kids wearing braces.

The cats in my town are the best
How dare you say they are a pest?
They pee in a box
They steal all my socks!
And yet through it all I feel blessed.

A certain young dandy from France
Tried to put his date in a trance.
She fretted and screamed
Not so well, though it seemed
She just wanted to go to the dance

Old Oscar he flew through the air
His butt cheeks attached to a chair
His aerodynamics
Matched with skills in ceramics
Kept his wheel turning til he landed quite square

One day in the burg of Fenstauntan
A little girl there, she was tauntin'
"Nyah, Nyah," she did cry
as the neighbors did sigh
and drowned her lil butt in the fountain.

The pilot swooped in for the kill
as the enemy crept on the hill
The plane engine sputtered
The enemy muttered
"I wanted the pickle to be dill."

My desk is covered with paper
But my workload is starting to taper.
Just one more stiff drink
And I'll probaby think,
I should write a fantasy caper.

I have a dentist appointment today.
I think I'll need Novacaine right away.
Or maybe some gas,
(not the kind that you pass)
Man, this just isn't my day.

My whole upper lip has gone numb,
And it seems now it's spread to my bum.
The whiskey is gone,
It is right close to dawn,
I'll run down and get me some rum.

I'm devastatingly shy
especially when it comes to the guys
I hide behind trees
and peek at their knees
and wonder how Venus trapped flies

Sinatra, while playing the Sands,
Got groped by a guy with big hands!
He said, "what the hey!
It's your big day!"
Let's go check out the big bands.

There once was a tailor from Amherst
Who in fitting and tucking was well versed
but demanded a man,
one in each hand
and insisted on driving a hearse.

My computer is so very slow.
A vein in my head's gonna blow!
So hand me a clip
And I'll wipe out that drip
And pack that ol' vein full of snow.

Young Johnny got lost at the dance,
and after a while, he lost his pants.
'Course no one did notice,
'Cept gimply-leg Otis
Who stared till he fell in a trance !

Young Johnny got lost at the dance,
and after a while, he lost his pants.
'Course no one did notice,
'Cept gimpy leg Otis
Who made some unusual demands.

I need a new green lacey bra,
to send to a man who says 'caw'.
His skivvies are rotten
They're made from poor cotton
He'd rather have silkies to paw

"Up there in the sky it's bright pink
But down here its claim is brown mink"
is a hard coup' to follow
My stomach feels hollow
But hunger is making me think

While baking a batch of canolis
with jalapenos stuffed in the holeys
I started to sneeze,
the pastries got squeezed,
So we gave out free to the goalies.

While baking a batch of canolis
with jalapenos stuffed in the holeys,
I tripped on my basil,
The world went all hazel
And I screamed out real loud "Holy molies!"

A centenarian witch
pulled off a bit of a switch
While donning a frock
the color of chalk
She passed her time scratching an itch.

A centenarian witch
pulled off a bit of a switch
She swept with her broom
instead of going zoom
And became an expert at cross stitch.

Let's just consolidate, shall we?
'Fore this limerick flood hits a wall, see?
Our poetry can blend,
Our heads, they can mend.
But not U's cause she's one hundred and three.

So let me step out for a beer
and then I'll let out a big cheer!
I'll sing and dance,
take a belligerent stance
and probably pass out, I fear.

If haikus and limericks fought
(I think) It would all be for nought.
The puns would butt in
Common sense would wear thin
and yet we won't do as we ought.

When putting it up for the night
one resists the strong urge to fight.
Instead one will stroke
and forgo the poke
And then pray the thing stays out of sight.

The once was a cat from Gibralter
who wouldn't wear his ill-fitting halter
He flopped on the groun'
And said with a frown
"Just wait 'til I get out of this, Walter!'

The chickens, the pigs, and the goats,
Had a race one day in their boats;
They arrived on the shore
And argued the score
while away the trophy did float.

There once was a pretty girl from clare,
who was tragically lacking in hair
she was bald as an egg
Just two hairs on her leg
but she was sexy so we didn't care.

At the plant we finish at three
we work in pajamas, you see
There all green and blue
and covered in goo,
And there's a hole in this here one, see?

I got all hot and sweaty today.
Began to unsteadily sway
Thank goodness my daughter
Brought me some water
Too bad she forced me to pay.

I once met a hedgehog named Fred
who wouldn't get out of my bed
I couldn't protest
'tho I needed some rest
It's my fault we'd decided to wed.

My new computer is frustrating me.
I need to turn off all that cr*p don't you see?
Microsoft is a menace
Worse than little Dennis.
Got to rid myself of McAfee!

My keyboard is causing me fits
I've taken the darned thing to bits.
The F key keeps jammin'
No delete for the spammin'
And the tech support guys are just g*ts.

Computers are all fine and dandy
I've got one here I named Randy
But when they make trouble
My frustration, it doubles!
And a hammer comes in quite handy.

I'm trying to make it to Friday
Of all the weekdays, that's my day
When I hit mid-week
My bones start to creak
Until I realize it's blueberry pie day.

There once was a girl with an ostrich
She stapled its beak with a Bostich
In a wild fit of pique
She dammed up the creek
Which totally flooded Pt Fosdick

Stuck in my molar is a Dorito
I think I would prefer a Frito
It's lodged so deep
I'll take a great leap
And crack open my head, oh Neato!

I'm typing and I can't shut up.
The words are just nonsense and cr*p
I'm singing a song,
and carrying on
They should make me pee in a cup.

A maple, a pine, and an oak
Went outside to smoke.
They hid in the grass
Wishing time to pass
til one of them told a joke

Everybody look at that ugly dog,
is it his face or is it a frog?
It's so hard to tell
(and it's starting to smell)
Like some filthy, hot, greenish, old bog.

I just saddled up my new Ostrich,
In the wake of my poor pitcher's lost pitch.
There was a hole in his glove
The ball came from above
And the umpire cursed that his boss itched!

I just saddled up my new Ostrich
In the wake of my poor pitcher's lost pitch.
There was a hole in his glove
The ball came from above
And the ball's hitting the bird was a small glitch.

My computer's a bit complicated.
Its hunger for RAM is unsated
it's got seven screens
a new virus, it seems
And Bill Gates is now very hated.

I'm hungry for donuts and such.
I really don't ask very much.
Just danish and scones
While I yap on the phone
And a piece of apple pie, dutch.

I'm up past my bedtime again.
This forum hijacks my pen.
Dawn, she's a comin'
That rooster's already hummin'.
And we're stuck with the rain once again

The harridan flies through the night
A frightening but interesting sight;
Her eyes are sheathed
Her claws are bequeathed
So she hangs on to her GPS system real tight.

My daughter's out hunting for quail
With Cheney, who said he'd prevail
He stuck in his thumb
But he pulled out a gun
And said, "I hear Walmart's having a sale."

At the thrift store the junk piles up
Ugly paintings and grubby old cups
Smudged vases with doves
And long single gloves
And a spaniel with 12 litle pups!

I missing a whole bunch of poets
Maggie, please, don't you know it's
Getting real late
I've lots on my plate
That'll teach you to try and rhyme 'poets.'

I've murdered a hooker again
It always leaves such a bad stain
so it's out with the grinder
using egg as a binder
Those meat pies have been much too plain!

I always take mustard with meat
I like my food with lots of heat
Paprika and curry
my vision's all blurry
It's all been one h*ll of a treat!

I hop, skip and jump to the bank
I'll give those tellers a spank
they'll call the cops,
(two tickets, tops!)
And I'll think up a new prank.

I've been working on this query,
and I'm getting a bit weary.
I'll write to Miss Snark,
Oh, just for a lark,
And she'll say "What a dork, your poor deary."

Someone licked my back today,
Who it was I can not say,
but I found it enticing,
like a cake with great icing,
Plus, my mole has gone away.

My office walls are yellow-ish
because my roomie fries fish.
He went out for a salmon,
While I was a-spammin'
Turns out he's got a fish fetish.

When I was a gay young lass
I decided to tatoo my *ss
with a classical photo
black and white Quasimoto
But some people think that it's crass!

My espresso machine's on the blink
So I made my coffee in the sink
Frothy soap bubbles
Steamed milk has troubles!
Is this stuff supposed to be pink?

My foot fell asleep just right now
And all Ic an wonder is how
I'm doing my shimmies
From my hips to my chinnie
Oh Gawd, I look like a cow !

There's taffy stuck on my shoe.
I'm just lucky it isn't dog poo.
It's stretchy and pink
And it doesn't stink
I wonder if it's still good to chew?

The fishies are all at the lake
Contemplating a summer fish bake
They don't want to be done
Rathered roast in the sun
So they chipped in for take-out of snake.

What happened to all of the peeps?
Those yellow marshmallowey creeps.
So squishy and soft
Hold toothpicks aloft
In microwave dueling for keeps.

A cuckoo bird once laid an egg.
I added brandy, milk, nutmeg.
Some sugar and 'nilla
I got from the villa
Voila--Eggnog! Please have a peg.

I can't get my kid to eat spinach
He says it makes his skin itch
It sticks in his teeth
On top and beneath
And his braces make it a twin b*tch

My computer cables are snarled
And my boss and I quarreled
The inkjet is dry
Expense is sky high
This is the worst job in the world

I hope for a bright sunny morning
but so far the day ain't conforming
it's foggy and grey
And too cold to play
I'm afraid that it's gonna start storming

Oh hurricane winds are the worst
They play havoc with stuffing my wurst.
Sausage plus weather
Glad I wear leather
Vinyl casings have been known to burst.

If tonight is the end of the world
By fate eschatologically hurled,
i will kill lots of folk
and call it a joke
And end my day fetally curled.

The poets were all talking shop
on how to avoid writing slop,
caused devastation
and the slam turned into a flop.

The lights twinkle brightly at night
Every one a gem of delight
and the rocket's red glare
makes me not even care
Though my pulse rate perks up at the sight.

CC left without a first line
but poets won't stop with a whine
We'll cry and we'll moan
We'll ring on the phone
and if you don't like it, then fine!

We're taking next Saturay off
Whatever you do, please don't scoff
We'll lie late in bed
And sleep like the dead
Then wake with that horrid smoker's cough.

I'm making a serial killer.
He's sitting just now at the tiller
with a hate and a pipe
and a pack of Steri-wipes,
all I need now is some filler.

I pulled on a thread of my sweater
That sure didn't make it look better
Once unravelling starts,
I'll be breaking hearts
And as red as an Irish setter

The pelican said to the stork
I'm not sure this plan's going to work
If I scoop up that water
I'll be dropping their daughter
And she won't like being stuck with a fork.

I'm in love with an old sofa cushion.
It's utterly perfect for mushin'
It's soft and it's furry
A great place to eat curry
And best of all: puttin' my tush in.

The crazy Malaysian Prime Minister
Was up to his tricks, oh so sinister
He cornered the market
But said "Oh, fark it,
"Hey, Kim Jong Il, you got a sister...?"

My fish tank has never been cleaned
Though I vacuum and dust like a fiend.
Them fishies keep a'poopin'.
The pond weed is droopin'.
And the fish all need to be preened.

I have a Roget's Thesarus
My readers kept saying "You bore us."
They wanted some words,
Not these same dusty turds
And that was the end for old Horace.

The bird was a twittering wren
When she noticed that old tomcat, Ben.
Ben was too slow
To strike from below
So he jumped from the top of the pen.

The rug has a big nasty spot.
I've tried to clean it a lot.
It's getting threadbare
The longer I stare
but cleaning up dog doo, I'm not.

The plumber went out for a ride
'cause his wife was huntin' his hide!
She looked high and low
and what do you know
She found him breaded and fried!

It's a horrible day for a bride.
It's rainy and windy outside
The men will wear kilts
While walking on stilts
And the bridesmaids are trying to hide.

A frolicking Nubian goat
Discovered a frog in his throat
He went for a drink
The frog raised a stink
So the goat spit him back in the moat.

While racing when close to the edge
It's best to have prayers you can pledge.
In case you should fall,
Or smack into the wall.
At least you won't trip off the ledge.

I have a long car ride tomorrow
A friend has some tapes I can borrow
I'll hit Route 66
pick up some chicks
Probably much to their sorrow!

The mice they run wild in my basement.
They open the windows, the casements.
They whirl through the drains
and leave nasty stains.
Aw crap! So that's where My Space went!

In my shoulder, there lives a great kink.
I threw it out cleaning the sink.
I suffer the pain,
Hope aspirin, to gain.
And soon I'll be back in the pink.

Unique: (ew)

There is an old duffer up stream
Who has this fantastical dream
Eighteen holes in one
'cause it's never been done
A superlative vision, supreme.

He's digging to China with a spoon
What's he doing the crazy old loon?
Seems he doesn't know
The deeper you go
The further you get from the moon.

He's digging to China with a spoon
What's he doing the crazy old look?
Seems he doesn't know
The quickest way to go
Is to fly on the back of a goon

When it comes to old William Shatner
You've got to use booze as a fattener
His uniform's tight
And it's a real fight
Even using a girdle as battener.

I love to eat pizza with lettuce
It's better than the slop the school fed us
It tastes great with gin
From the old discount bin
And we'll drink it as fast as they let us!

The evening's a total disaster.
Even Twister I simply can't master.
I stretch and I squirm
(Why don't I learn?)
Writing poems will get me girls faster

The lazy dog lies in the road
Making the semi shed its load
It swerves to one side
And the doors open wide
Exposing two cats and a toad.

When walking down Manchester Quay,
a duck in a tux, I did see.
On the quay he quite quacked
a full aria, the hack,
Then flung himself into the sea.

The marchioness spotted a shrike
while cruising along on her bike
Oh deah, what is that?
She said (as her hat
got caught on a fast-passing spike)

A mockingbird started to twitter
at cinnamon on apple fritter
But no sugar appeared--
Which made it taste weird
Tart and surprisingly bitter.

I think someone else should start it
the last time I tried it just farted.
With slimeball rhymes
that weren't worth dimes.
I sat and I cried,
you thought that it died
but really! I told you it farted!

Serena Casey: What's this? A mutant limerick?

A yak jumped his pen at the zoo
"They never clean up all the poo!"
He ran to the park
and boarded an ark
Then asked, "Can my girlfriend come too?"

The boardwalk climbed up to the sky
At the top was that guy, Bill Nye
Ready to throw
A TV down below
But his camera man was too shy.

This thread has been dead long enough
but making a rhyme's really tough
The thread's not to blame
It shouldn't feel shame
Let's exercise to make it real buff.

O where are the limericks of yore?
The ones that weren't such a bore?
So quaint and so witty
It is such a pity
We don't see those gems anymore.

The weekend is over already.
Ah those days, so thick and so heady.
But it's always too short
And I'm heard to retort
For another two days I am ready!

The coins clinked into a basket
He was on his way to Nantasket
The weather was cold
His jacket was old
And his Volkswagen felt like a casket

Her imperious look left him cold
He felt ugly, a little too old.
But his Saville Row suit
And his big wad of loot
Made him finish right there in the gold.

The chicken would never have crossed
If the egg had not gotten lost.
Was the rooster at fault?
Did he use too much salt?
'Cause the egg he immdiately tossed.

I think I might have the flu,
Chocolate pancakes - I'm gonna spew.
my fever is rising
Which isn't surprising
Do I need one asprin or two?

Thanksgiving is Monday, you see,
But those to the south don't agree!
The equator flips
And rotates the ships
And roast turkey falls into the sea!

I wager a hat 'gainst a crown
he's wearing little more than a frown
The emperor he ain't,
Not even a saint!
But his feet are fit for a clown.

The party took off for the beach
In a car shaped oddly like a peach
The tires were prunes,
Skimming over the dunes
And halted at last with a screech

Another limerick got left in the lurch.
But our poetry we can't besmirch
It's silly and fun,
Less harm than a gun,
And I like to read it in church.

Another limerick got left in the lurch.
But our poetry we can't besmirch
It's silly and fun
But it's better than none
But please don't read it in church!

Don't make me do two, oh my brain!
All these rules! Oh, my God, what a pain!
Do syllables matter?
They clash with a clatter!
All this thinking, it makes me insane!

The ogre had stopped for a bite -
When the Great Pumpkin gave him a fright!
Indigestion I fear
Will put hair on my rear
And that simply would not be right

When did ogres and gnolls disappear
Then All Hallows is practically here.
The sound of a screech,
The squelch of old peach
As you step and fall on your rear.

There once was a girl from New Orleans
who subsisted on rice and red beans.
They called her a Tart,
But she was so smart
She could dress all the dogs in old blue jeans.

I'm taking a slow boat to China
Where I hope to train my pet myna
She's dark as a raven
Her deportment craven
And she blows a horn 'cause she thinks she's Dinah.

There's a horrible thing about limericks
Rhyme and meter comprise such a strange mix
There's short lines and long
But it's hard to go wrong
If it happens to scan, we do get our kicks!

A timid and nervous young writer
Was afraid that a spider might bite her.
She wore a hazmat suit
And smoked a cheroot
That she lit with a dented gold lighter.

The seasons are changing, alas!
The leaves are as crisp as the grass.
It's crispy and brown
Great to scuff on the groun'
but be careful you don't bustyer*ss.

Autumn harvest, a great time of year -
If the tractor will just go in gear.
There's rocks in the beans,
Candy corn in my jeans,
And the pumpkins are rotting... Oh dear!

The leaves in the lane have turned red
When they fall they stick to my head
The wind makes a snarl
As I roll in the marl ....
Now I've leaves, dirt and rocks in my bed.

Detroit has a long row to hoe.
It's a bugger to move all that snow
There's a chair in my space,
Graffitti I cannot erase,
And my battery's dead, don't ya know.

If I were George W. Bush
I'd surely get kicked in my tush
The people are mad
When you're gone they'll be glad
Let's hope you go out with a Whoosh!

When I woke up this morning I saw
A crowbar, two screws and a claw.
I had been on this date,
And was out way too late
But at least, I've no mother-in-law!

This old body of mine's gone decrepit
A young one - I wish I'd have kept-it.
With all parts you see
So smooth, wrinkle-free
but my legs still work so I shlepp it.

We have winter's nip in the air
Go outside barefoot, if you dare!
No shoes and no socks,
Cover those buttocks!
They'll call Police this time, I swear.

With Halloween just 'round the bend
Do you have a costume to lend?
I'm short a pitchfork,
But the gin I'll uncork
And the Devil to the end I'll defend.

Football is okay, I guess
Today's rain will make it a mess
the guys get all wet
It's too cold to sweat
And it's the beer that I like, I confess!

If everyone tries really hard
We can actually clean up the yard
But I'd rather just watch
And sip on my scotch
While I slowly turn into lard.

I guess I should water my plants
The drops on the leaves they will dance
The mites will retreat
Without missing a beat
But against frost there is no insurance

The doctors and lawyers got wrecked.
They flirted too much and got decked.
Now what will we do
with no one to sue?
We shall turn to the ones
with lots of funds
And take it away, I expect.

Pthom: another mutant

I came, and I saw, and I fell
Headfirst down a wishing well
I'm so cold and wet
It's got me upset
'Cause my Pampers are starting to swell.

There once was a writer from D.C.
Whose main correspondant was P.B
Whom didn't know if it were a he or she
but thought she'd just let it be
because the card said, 'Get out of jail free'.

When performing incredible feats
It's important to stock up good eats!
Comfort food is the best,
Carbs packed for the test
Or bags of Halloween treats!

Fall is my favorite time of the year, up here!
It goes so good with the beer, my dear
And pretzels with mustard
A shiny beaked bustard
To keep us all in the clear, no fear!

Spiced Indian food is the best --
A powerful palatal test.
it goes well with beer
and a bit of cool kheer
and Rolaids to give it a rest.

Ol' Kevin's a slippery fish
More appealing when served on a dish.
Choose from filet of fin,
or crispy fried skin,
But grilled gill I am told is de-lish!

We're three days away from election,
Will the liars escape our detection?
One more ad campaign,
Will drive me insane
"T'row da bums out!" I say 'pon reflection.

I went out to feed my pet wombat
That dances around with my tomcat.
In mid-pirouette,
He mewed a soubriquette
So I joined dressed in tails and a tophat!

I flew to the Moon on a Monday,
With green cheese it will sure be a fun day
with a half bag of crackers
left here by some hackers,
but no juice cuz we don't want a run day.

Unique: get what ya get, slackers

Today is the day for the vote.
But I'd rather be paddling the moat.
If I can't get elected,
To stop those who wrecked it,
At least I can rock on the boat

If politics makes your head spin
vote 'other' for a new win.
Or avoid altogether,
those birds of a feather
And cast all your votes in the trash bin. (Not!)

The pols like bad weather you see,
It enhances their humility
But their arrogant thunder
exposes their blunder
They don't seem very clever to me.

Politics makes me feel sick.
It began with that guy Tricky Dick.
His five o'clock shadow
didn't play well in Caddo
Though he tried, he wasn't so slick.

In the Autumn the rains pour down
Who'll save the puppies, they'll drown!
If we toss them a rake,
they can build us a lake
And control all the water in town.

The old Jabberwocky is dead!
Replaced by a beagle named Fred
With a chase of his tail,
He fell on a nail
Impaling both ears and his head.

A mystic looked into her tea,
Oh my goodness! Look what I see...
The moat is aflame
And that damned dog's to blame
I swear it was Haggis, not me!

The election was down to the wire
The ballot box burst into fire
Spontaneous combustion
From all the pols fustian
yet still no one called him a liar.

The campaign was jolly good fun
'Cuz thirteen decided to run.
They had 'em a quorum,
With champagne by jorum,
Who was sober by night? Not a one!

Yes I jolly well do think it's so
I'll tell you as much as I know
The Purple Pajandrum
threw a pink tantrum
and ended up having t'eat crow.

The last grass stains of the season
Are on your butt for a reason
You lounged on the ground
When you should have been found
Now the pollen has got you a-sneezin'.

I probably should go rake the yard
it really won't be all that hard.
The wind is not blowing,
and once it stops snowing
I'll make a big pile to be charred.

Our power has been oh, so, fickle,
But charges mount up, nickel by nickel.
the bill hit 20 grand
So I took a stand
Made a battery from a dill pickle.

Oh, when I remember the turkey
It makes my breath come all jerky.
The cranberry sauce,
I spilled on my boss--
But alcohol will make memories murky.

The turkey is still frozen solid
And the dining room still looks quite squalid
With peas on the floor,
And folks at the door,
Whoever invented this hollid

Ay? Belongs in the previous poem
'Cause I ran out of roem,
but never to fear
ThreeDogPeople is here,
And the teeth are still in the coem.

ThreeDogPeople augmented by one,
Adds a fourth to the Beggin Strips run.
But out she's not going,
Until I am knowing,
Should we serve them up raw or well done?

Oh, darling please turn up the heat,
whilst we talk of our voyage to Crete.
The mem'ries are warm,
But the skeeters did swarm,
A trip I'd prefer not to repeat.

Oh say do you see over there?
Across the fields, in the home they share.
This rhyme is off meter,
Quit beating on peter.
Unique, stop acting like you really care!

threedogpeople: >>>>>>>>grin<<<<<<<

There's a foot of new snow on the ground.
I love it, it muffles the sound,
Of a dandelion ghost
Or a damp piece of toast
And the murderers stomping around.

Peanut butter is so good on toast
it's a little bit hard not to boast
But I'm the Toast Queen,
Best there's ever been,
From the Alps clear down to the coast!

Oh, where is the little red wagon?
It's here, and looks like it's draggin'
with a short-block blown hemi
and a shot of cold Remy
I'd push it, but baby, I'm flaggin'.

Now the Remy tastes good warm or cold
And I'm up for the best Cuervo Gold.
But I'd rather drink rye,
So here's mud in your eye!
And a toast to Genevieve Bujold!

We've arrived at the last of November,
It's enough to freeze off your member!
So be a reformer
Don your best willie warmer
And wear it thru the ides of December!

The joy of the limerick's not lost,
E'en though in the winter, the frost
can freeze up the bum ---
Sugar cookies! YUM! ---
Chill blains are one hell of a cost!

The old NaNoWriMo's a challenge
But every November our ink pens
run out of ink
before we can blink
And suddenly...we're at the end.

The holidays are fast approaching
and Nick's on the scene with some coaching.
I'm behind on the shopping,
ice makes for tough stopping
and shopping's a subject worth broaching.

Santa gave me a loaded gift card.
What to buy? The decision is hard.
I want this and that
but I need a new hat
A pillbox of fake le-o-pard

Now I know I have been very naughty,
I dropped my cell phone in the potty,
It went down with a flush,
then came back in a gush,
And now the loo floor is all grotty.

Whenever I turn off the light
to enjoy the sky in the night
I feel panic (and) fear
at the sounds that I hear,
And the reindeer that glimmer and bite!

Is that Santa's sleigh that I hear?
Surely he'll be drawing near.
With Rudolph's nose glowing,
And Pinnochio's growing
It's a Disney movie, I fear!

The lights are a-twinkling at home,
But it's snowing from Skagway to Nome.
While in Cincinnati
The sleet's got me scatty.
Can anyone loan me their phone?

Can you erase being naughty, not nice,
If you did it more times than just twice?
Turn counterclockwise
With your hands on your thighs,
And laugh maniacally thrice.

I've just jumped off of a cliff.
No fanfare; not even a riff.
I'm flying so free-
Now, what do I see?
Two buzzards who're having a tiff!

I hit with a horrible splat!
Some yelled out, "What was that?"
And there on the poop deck,
A disgusting squished speck
Oh my, that fat splat was a cat.

My cat is extre-mely fat,
from dining on slow-roasted rat
He can't lie on his stomach.
That sizeable hummock
Squishes out to both sides when he's flat.

The tiger has stripes up and down
mostly orange and yellow and brown
He lurks in the grass
so he can harass
All the folks who stroll by with a frown.

The moon sets mysteriously
Out by the wysteria, see.
It used to go down
but when you are around
it causes the **** thing to flee!

Our Spooky's a funny old ghost,
Who's been living on mothballs and toast.
He comes out to play
almost every day
'specially when there's Haggis to roast.

My daughter's out late once again.
I'd rather not guess where she's been!
Or where she might go
And it's started to snow!
I guess I'm an old mother hen.

The hotel detective was mad
The deskclerk was also a cad.
They bounded upstairs
with curses and glares
And did something really quite bad!

I wish I had a steak for my dinner
But I'm supposed to be getting thinner
So I'll stake some tomatoes,
Forgo mashed potatoes
And finally feel like a winner.

I wish I could get this article written
but by the AW bug I been bitten
Too bad it doesn't pay
I'd make more in a day
Than in the whole year I been gittin'.

We need a new line to start off with
Something sturdy and comic but lithe
with pronunciation,
And action that's prob'ly a myth!

A harassed and busy young writer
Had a nice cold bev'rage beside her
With remarkable ease
She just jacked up her fees,
Said, I'm so glad this whiskey's not cider!

Oh! The spam and the pop-ups are awful!
And my ad-catcher's gathered a pawful.
But what do I do?
I get into a stew
and then I end up with a bra full.

The old man was a failed gigolo
His instrument of choice was the Piccolo
He tootled a song
while schlepping his schlong
Lamenting his aged libido.

My tongue got all twisted today,
When I invited a friend out to play.
It just could have been
That I wanted to sing
so he offered a roll in the hay.

The critters were all fast alseep
so I tried not to make a peep.
I tiptoed around,
but didn't look at the ground,
And fell on my rump in a heap.

there is a strange pot of stew on the stove
it smells of yak and dirty boiled clothes
but the in-laws are coming
and something this cunning
will work when I douse it with clove.

I made a nutless brittle last night
I'm hoping I did it just right
It's a gift for dclary
I know he's not sharing
He ate the whole thing in one bite!

tonight with my pork and potatoes
zuchini and rotten tomatoes
I know it sounds gross
but a touch of sucrose
then it's the opposite of alfredo

The sign said they could absolve my sin
of messing up the meter of a limerick while in
but the sign, it did lie
now the kitty must dye
a horsehair shirt for me to live in

A writer in search of an agent
Asked a good friend (a sage gent)
To help him get published
and avoid PA's rubbish
Or his nose would get bent.

The life of a writer is to die for,
But the pay rate is hardly to sigh for.
And as for the fame,
There is no one to blame.
All those flashes would have just made your eyes sore.

There's mistletoe stuck in my hair!
But darlin', you needn't dispair.
Just give it a yank,
Three tugs and a crank
And to the boudoir we'll repair!

Last Christmas my wife gave me gloves.
They're great little hammocks for doves.
They sit there and coo,
Their crap makes me blue.
(The doves, not the gloves, gods above!)

A haiku has only three lines
the hai, the ku, an absence of rhymes.
Metaphysical thoughts,
Like dregs in teapots
or the fragrance of heady red wines

There's a fly in my soup,' said the waiter
It's the waitress's fault and I hate 'er
she doesn't take care
and I'll bet theres a hair
In a place where the chef hid the beater.

There's a fly in your soup,' said the waiter
"It's the waitress's fault, and I hate 'er!
With her large, vacant grin,
And the drool on her chin,
I won't be back there sooner or later!

In the deepest dark night in the winter
twas so cold I felt my teeth splinter
With ice on my nose,
and frostbitten toes,
"Frosted!" said I to my hair tinter.

I ran up the steps of the courthouse,
To plead for the very last lab mouse.
Its reprieve secured,
You may rest assured,
So we can go out and carouse!

A hedgehog has very sharp quills
And his vice a rather sharp shrill
If you try to pet it
you'll live to regret it,
But I heard they taste good on the grill.

Santa fell out of his sleigh
Causing one reindeer to say
Stop drinking that Egg Nog
You'll end up on Raed's blog
A bad way to spend Christmas Day!

On Christmas I bought a pet parrot
not thinking, I gave him a carrot.
Now orange goo he has spewed,
And his talk has turned lewd,
So I'll trade him in for a ferret.

The silvery ring round the moon
Il augmente le beau clair de lune.
Si le ciele a tombe
la lune aurait certainement flambee
Et tout le monde aurait toujours plus jeune.

K1P1: [sorry - can't remember my verb endings for 3rd person plural (or would "tout" be a collective noun taking the singular?)]

The reindeer are going on strike.
And first on the line is old Spike.
He's Rudolf's third cousin,
And talks ten to the dozen
he's the one on the blue boys bike.

If you give them an increase of fodder
And harness repaired with hard solder
And Christmas Day off
Their antlers they'd doff
And then they would act even odder.

How did the Partridge get in the tree?
Why do the French Hens number just three?
Maybe French Toast instead
and gold rings made of bread
Which the Lords fed Ladies for free!

When the drummers and the pipers were through
there wasn't much more they could do.
They gathered their gear,
And stole half the beer!
Then laughed when we all cried, "boo hoo".

I asked for a day without in-laws:
I would rather go dancing with chain saws!
but my Christmas wish,
Is for expensive smoked fish
and a hug from my cat (minus claws).

I once got a little red trike
which I rode on the top of the dyke
I drove it quite fast
And all whom I passed
said, "look at the tyke on the bike"!

I said, "I've been naughty this year"
Santa quipped, "No problem my dear...
Tugged open his sack,
And pulled out a rack
And said, 'Now you're truly a deer'.

It was raining so early this morning
My cheeks the raindrops were adorning
I don't mind the wet
or how soggy I get
but the lack of significant warning.

Kung Fu sensei said, "Grasshopper,
When your robe is untied, its improper
to show us your wares
Well, quite frankly, it scares
If you snatch at this pebble, you'll drop 'er!

A wily young youth from the Arctic
While trying to write with our Bart's Bic
got ink on his thumb
while drinking his rum,
and found his thumb painting cathartic.

The governor's ugly vernacular
Is usually far from spectacular.
"'Dem bastards," he drawls,
and more colorful calls,
end up as verbal ejacular.

Unique: (okay - so it's not an English word - sue me)

Old Roy took his date to the park
and was shocked when she started to bark
The full moon in the sky
was making her high
or was it the hash (question mark)

If you ever encounter a gnu
Don't confuse it with Spiro Agnew.
While one's kin to a yak
And the other's a hack,
Only gnus can be turned into glue.

A poet I certainly aren't,
Although I try to stay current
with new words like "blog"
My head's in a fog
And I feel like a total obdurant.

The words I like best always rhyme
Which is why need to take time
To rhyme words like “angst.”
Such impossible pranks
makes limerick killing a crime.

What are you making for dinner
No doubt it won't make me thinner
But what's fat for some
Is bliss for the dumb,
but if it tastes good it's a winner!

It's forty-five minutes 'til time
to finish this limerick rhyme
The clock, it is ticking
My mind, it is sticking
Thinking's like sucking a lime.

The year has begun with a bang,
thus started the cycle of yang.
But yin is still missing,
the past, it's french kissing,
And the Fat Lady already sang.

Hark to the sound of the rooster,
he's a V-Garden serial booster.
His pecker is sharp,
E'er he plucketh the harp
and is published by Simon & Schuster.

Hark to the sound of the rooster,
he's a V-Garden serial booster.
His pecker is sharp,
E'er he plucketh the harp
like goggle-eyed old Bertie Wooster

Hark to the sound of the rooster,
he's a V-Garden serial booster.
His pecker is sharp,
E'er he plucketh the harp,
He's brained by Holly the Hoosier!

The gigolo hung out his shingle,
and wondered which berries he'd dingle,
when Flumpy the Flenzer
lost his big Pez dispenser
He teased with a big can of Pringles.

Bill buffalo's kids ran amuck,
in Bill Bigsby's bigamy truck.
They babbled and bubbled,
The driver was troubled,
but anyway, who gives a fig.

The chimpanzee managed the pitch
Despite an unreachable itch.
The elephant doubled,
the drover was troubled
And the rhino was stuck in the ditch.

I stepped on an earthworm one day,
it wouldn't move out of my way
And just 'fore it squished
With its last breath it wished
for one final roll in the hay.

The girlfriend, the goat and the jinn
All shared a room at the Inn.
Who bellowed "Touche"?
while scorching the hay,
And inciting the others to sin?

There's a scorpion under that rock!
It stung me and gave me a shock.
I blustered with venom:
You stung through my denim!
But that's better than stinging my...sock.

My feet were smelly one day,
So I got out the Lysol Spray.
With a spritz of fresh pine,
Off my feet you could dine
If your dinner includes Fri-toe-lay

With two thousand bills in my purse,
I ordered a gin sling to nurse.
Before I was through,
I'd had twenty-two
And they sent me away in a hearse.

On the floor is a pile of laundry
Some whites and some darks - hence my quand'ry
For I've only one tub
In this leak-ridden sub.
My clothing is pure vagabondry!

On the floor is a pile of laundry
Some whites and some darks - hence my quand'ry
For I've only one tub
In this leak-ridden sub
So I stand here all wond'ring and pondery

The Moon and the stars and the planets
made of quartzes and plasma and granites,
They sail in their orbits
You can see 'em for four bits*
the price of a rag sheet from Gannet's.

The rooster, the ox, and the duck
All met in the back of the truck
An unnatural act
Was the plan of attack
But was stymied when truck struck a buck!

An Itkitch, a Preep and a Proo
Are three words that I never knew
So I studied them hard
On a three by five card
While imbibing large vats of homebrew.

I think someone else should choose,
whether we take that drive, or a cruise.
Or maybe a ride
Just swallow your pride.
And put on your red hiking shoes

A lemur, a lion and me
behind the same bush for a pee.
It was a tight squeeze
They spoke only Chinese
Disaster struck when we were joined by the bee!

Somewhere there's a star with my name
And she's taken away all my fame!
And the cool paparazzi,
think she's all artsy fartsy
So I'll have to test out my aim.

It wasn't identity theft
But her sneakers were all that was left
Chuck Taylors, in red
trimmed neatly in plaid
of style she was rendered bereft.

My girlfriend's a horrible nag
she's usually half in the bag
The more drunk she gets
The more scared the pets
And her breath's enough to make me gag.

When writing a poem or two
The passive one should eschew
But if polysyllabic
Words should clog mah Bic
I'll write with a blood-coated screw.

The wind blew so hard down in France
It removed the Prime Minister's pants
they went down to his knees
and the freshening breeze
Caused him to break into dance

However, he wanted to sing,
"God Save the Queen or the King"
He tripped on his trousers
exciting the wowsers
When his buckle hit the ground with a ping.

Oklahoma is covered with ice
so heed well this free word of advice:
If in Edmond or Dover,
You'll slip and fall over
On your butt in a Midwestern trice

A finicky eater can choose
but the greedy have weight they can't lose
if you fry it in lard
your figure'll be marred
and you'll have to wear flat, frumpy shoes.

A finicky eater can choose
but the greedy have weight they can't lose
if you fry it in lard
your figure'll be marred
And your waistline expanding by twos.

Perhaps, to consider a diet,
one really ought first off to try it.
Those celery sticks,
Yummy leeches, and ticks.
Taste better if first you do fry it.

The nag was ahead by a nose.
Her rider fell into a doze.
The hrose's mane flew,
That saddle's askew!
And her jockey hung on by his toes.

A flea and a fly on a floe,
Stood eskimo-like, toe to toe.
The flea asked, "Do you?"
The fly shyed, "Who knew?
Then their noses they rubbed to and fro.

Keats' shark kept its ears open wide
As poetry's sound was its pride
But as we all know,
it's a hard row to hoe,
And a long and most difficult ride!

What is the slimy green spot?
It looks like somebody forgot
To throw out the spinach
Along with the ostrich
And avoid all the slugs on the lot.

That damsel without any clothes
Discovered some nice pantyhose
but th' saddle made ladders
which exposed her to adders
and just about ripped off her mauves

That forest beyond the sunset
Has a hermit who on his buns set
but then, ever night
there'd come such a fright!
Whenever a gibbering ghost he met!

I think I got lost in the rhyme,
Distracted by all of the slime,
but as slime and rhyme go
it's not bad, you know,
We do that here 'bout every time.

Last night I got truly obsessed,
Over slacks that never were pressed.
A rather large wrinkle
made plural from single
Shoved me from concerned to distressed!

An immoderate man with a gun
in society finds he's undone
He must hide his piece
from foraging geese
Who'd really prefer a plum bun.

Snow and ice stream from the air
And then it gets caught in my hair
It drips down my nose;
It dampens my clothes,
And creeps you don't want to know where.

My girlfriend just swallowed an ant
She said it had eyes on a slant.
With horrified rage,
She jumped out of her cage
Stamped her feet and went into a rant.

A genteel young lady from Paris
said she would happily dare us
to fly through the air
with a devil-may-care
chance at the big wheel called Ferris!

She fumbled and fell through the air,
And still kept her seat in the chair
And landed just peachy
But a large tin of lychee
Spilled fruits and juice everywhere.

Don't ask how I swallowed my face
It ended up in the wrong place
It's stuck in my gullet
I choked on that mullet
and garnished my rear with some lace.

I somehow got lost on the train,
and discovered I'd swallowed my brain
although it was tasty
my meal was quite hasty
and now I've intestinal pain.

The Shaolin shaped up to the bandits.
Their defeat was the subject of on dits.
The victor, it's said,
Had a hole in his head.
But no one complained re: his grand bits.

My brain got all ditzy one day,
And I forgot to secure my belay;
At the height of three feet
The waves they did beat,
and like Cassius, my feet turned to Clay.

The loneliest long-distance runner
Has feet to which I take a scunner.
They're big and they stink
And his toes have a kink
And he's known to his friends as a punner!

His friend has the shot put down pat;
from a mile he can bullseye a gnat.
Grinds it into his throat
drops him dead in the moat
And then takes a nap on the mat.

My sister she sleeps with a yak
I don't mind but it throws out her back
Yak hair gets in her mouth
(And other points south)
It's tasty but not a great snack

The Left and the Right went to war,
'Cause the Left called the Right's mom a whore.
Too bad it was true
She's true blue through and through
So that ended the war- it's no more!

Moms and Dads, it seems, can be funny
They always make oatmeal that's runny
It's gluey and ick
And stirred with a stick
With parts of dead puppy and bunny

A train going faster than light
Gave the stately old matron a fright.
When a black-hole speed-bump,
Her knitting did dump
Though a worm hole, next Friday night!

He needs a good kick in the pants!
Then we'll see how his attitude slants.
Enough of his guff
He'll ride surf in the buff
And when he drops pearls we will dance.

It was a frolicking day at the beach
My sunblock slipped just out of reach
Down into a tide pool;
I grabbed like a damned fool,
But I ended up stuck with a leech!

The Titan reclined on a cloud
and said, as he thought out loud,
"What was that sound?
Was it lightning rebound?
Such noises should not be allowed!"

The pile of beer caps on my desk
My long-suffering wife it did vex
Little did she know
That they belonged to Moe
And we traded them all for sex

I wanted some tangible proof
That there wasn't a leak in the roof.
So I got out the hose,
while freezing my nose
Slipped and knocked my breath out with an oof!

George Washington couldn't defend
a fort by the south river bend.
The river was freezing,
The troops they were sneezing
So off to the north they did wend.

"Now Betsy," said George, "please, a banner,
Executed in the best Colonial manner."
"I can sew!" Betsy said.
"But I'm all out of thread!"
Said George, "You're not much of a planner!"

While crossing the Delaware, George
Left the map behind at Valley Forge
He sent a young soldier
With a hot cup of Folger,
And tons of chocolate on which he gorged.

The troops were freezing their tushs off
They had sneezes and sniffles and cough.
They called for hot toddies.
and a raft of warm bodies
And ulsters they never would doff!

Meanwhile Revere, on his horse,
Was riding too fast, well of course!
Hooves sliding on pebbles
the slippery devils
He should at least have felt some remorse.

Chocolate's so good on spaghetti
Gives ya skidmarks like Mario Andretti!
Sticky and sweet,
A meal ain't complete
Until shared with one Grable, Betty!

Ravioli's another nice treat!
Little stuffed pillows of meat.
Curled parmesan shavings
Cannot quell my cravings
Those tender tidbits can't be beat.

And let's not forget macaroni
In Italian, it means Really Phony.
Curved teethlike tubes
Dripping cheese on your boobs,
I'd rather have ham or boloney.

The girls went out drinking last night.
Four out of the five came home tight.
The other one, she
fell down on her knee
And hooked her husband up right.

I seem to have misplaced my Llama.
On the way to speak with Obama.
His halter and leash,
Somewhat nouveau riche,
instigated quite the high drama.

They asked him, "Jose, can you see?"
He said, "Not while I'm up in this tree!"
The leaves are too thick
So hand me a stick
He swung it and yelled out, "AAIIIEEEEEE!"

Out in the great state of Hawaii,
There's pineapple, mango, papayii!
The bananas are firm,
They're covered in worms,
Which make them look lots like a cowrie.

When writing a poem don't be anxious!
Be bright and sharp and vivacious!
For a wayward iamb,
Can still be a ham,
And a ham can be downright bodacious.

One thousand five hundred words
Fly in and out of my mind like wild birds.
They peck and they scratch
'Til I find ones that match
In the hope that they're jewels and not turds.

Global warming: a myth or a fact?
True believers have signed a compact
If you ask Albert Gore
He'll talk 'til you snore
But he'll never, no never, retract.

Around the corner comes Spring
and a flutter of butterfly wings.
The bees are a-buzzing,
the cats are de-fuzzing
It's time for a big Macy's fling!

When Jill lost her allergy meds,
A neighboring man called the Feds.
They came with a warrant
For drugs most abhorrant
And found crack, ice, weed and reds...

Liz Bennett thought Darcy had Pride
It made annoyed and quite snide.
But his housekeeper said,
He's the most well bred
He does all his business outside.

This war has gone over the top,
And the budget has turned into slop!
They've run off with the cash
And then threw a wild bash
Even scandal won't make them stop.

There's a storm looming on the horizon
and it's caused me to switch to verizon
My DSL's hell
Oh, where is Ma Bell?
She's gone the way of the bison.

There's truly no fiber like silk
for sexy undies and that ilk
Though it comes out of worms
It's lacking in germs,
And great for straining raw milk!

The snow comes down in great flakes,
who handed out these dumb rakes?
When next summer comes,
We'll eat hot cross buns
And hold onto the rakes for the snakes.

When sliding on ice slick like glass,
One wishes for summertime grass.
It's soft and it's green;
It's warm and it's clean,
Except where the dog put his... posterior.

Hurrah for the night time migration!
It's always a big celebration.
There's food and there's beer
And I'm sure glad you're here.
We needed someone for castration.

Alas for the lot of mankind!
We have neither mercy nor mind
We believed a big lie
(There's no plum in the pie)
We're also a little behind.

The shark lost control of the deck,
And all he could say was "Oh, heck."
He hadn't allowed
For the size of the crowd,
Or having to pay the large check!

After the crowd went away,
The shark said, "Cool, now I can play!"
Said his ma, "not unless
You take off that dress!
I'm doing the laundry today."

"But what shall I wear while you wash?"
Said the shark, in his accent so posh.
"I haven't a thread,
Of hair left on my head
And I haven't Godiva's panache."

"I guess you'll just have to stay in
Wishing for a gift of the djinn,
'Cause nudity's banned
In this cold northern land
And you threw all your clothes in the bin

There is a young lass called Sarina
Who can't yet eat her farina
She's cuddly and cute
And her parents astute
so they're saving a box of pastina.

The trees here are starting to bud
But the rain's coming down in a flood
There's mud everywhere
(it's even in my hair)
I think P. Phil's prediction's a dud!

But it's snowing today (not again!)
I'll stay indoors with my Barbie and Ken.
But they're naked and blue
and ken's missing a shoe
And Barbie ran off with the yen.

The kids went to play in the park
But it's getting very near dark
And the ol' Boogey man
Well he's formin' a plan
'til the neighborhood dog starts to bark.

The sun's shined two days in a row!
And my skin, now, it's starting to glow
But I also have spots
and some odd orange knots
and I've misplaced my jar of aloe!

So by Sunday I'll peel and I'll flake --
But more than my beauty's at stake.
The itch of my skin
on the back of my fin
Makes me an unhappyish hake.

My nerves are not steel; my spine
Has warped into place like a spline.
My fingers all shake,
and my knees knock and quake
And I'm even too nervous to dine!

Perhaps I could guzzle a malt,
or maybe tequila with salt
an icy cold beer
would make my whole year --
and I would be crazed to a fault.

I am not proficient at puns.
I'd rather be scratching me buns!
(You see what I mean?
I'm not even clean
Be glad I'm not having the runs.

My humor is kind of off beat
but I don't understand why your feet,
though callused and worn,
With blisters all torn,
still smell like perfume so sweet.

In my day what used to be crime
Now hardly is cause to do time.
Standards have shifted;
Truth being sifted
Try rehab and all will be fine

For bad manners, there's no excuse;
Not even if morals are loose.
Appearances matter,
Shut up and don't chatter,
You sound like a gargling goose!

Where have the rhymers all gone?
They're not multiplying; don't even spawn!!
Their rhymes are okay
Though some people say
They're inspired by -- what's on the lawn.

These cutesy euphemics won't fly
To a pig, a sty is still just a sty.
It's none the less illth,
To plant corn on your tilth,
Which'd make a damn good cusser cry!

When you order up eggs in your beer,
Just smile at the bartender's sneer.
Pass a bucket along,
Take a hit off the bong,
And give the cute drunk a good leer.

Join a couple of friends for a drink!
Just ignore that unusual stink...
Raise your glass in the air
And with consummate flair
And be thankful the drink isn't pink.

It's Wednesday somewhere in the world
The day when I get my hair curled.
I used to enjoy it
When I could destroy it
But now it just won't come unfurled.

"Oh yeah?" she said, staring him down,
"Well, you're just a blithering clown!
You play such a fool,
And try to be cool,
But you're a jackass all over the town!"

Let's try to say something nice,
Put the sarcastic barbs all on ice.
Be kind to a jerk,
But if it don't work,
Try filling his shorts with some mice.

When the water is up to your knees,
And you think that you're going to sneeze,
But just like a sponge
that's taken the plunge
it will suck up a little then freeze.

Don't play rock, paper, scissors with Mike,
All you'll win is a razor backed pike.
He's quick with the finger,
always spewing a zinger,
Then he leaves like he's Alibi Ike!

Never trust Mike in a game!
His tactics are always the same
He's got his own dice
(They're infected with lice!)
House odds he really can maim!

Never let Mike play roulette!
Or any such game where you bet.
Keep your feet in your shoes,
Stay off of the booze,
And don't take your eyes off the get.*

Cath: *Slang for git

What's with all these poems about Mike?
Let's talk about someone we like!
Such as Gladys or Sam
Or that guy with a lamb
Who voted for old General Ike.

"That guy with a lamb?" he asked Cath.
"You remember -- that sociopath."
"Oh, right. Now I know,"
Said Peter, real slow.
"He's the one who made chopsticks from lath."

So I wondered: Why birds don't have teeth
And the reason, I think, is beneath
The stuff in the nest
Which I might suggest
To your mother you shouldn't bequeath.

The behemoth of Pleiades 9
Got busted for bootlegging wine
With socks for a filter
and the still out of kilter
We've nothing to drink while we dine.

There once was a writer from Dallas
Who once lived a life free of malice.
He cried, "Nevermore!"
Till his throat he made sore,
And developed a right-tonsil callous!

He's taken to drink, sad to say,
And they won't let him out long to play
He toddles unsteady,
His tongue at the ready,
As he staggers through each blurry day.

She ran to the mailbox with glee
like some simian zoo escapee.
An envelope thin,
she stuck in the bin
(another rejection for me!)

The hitchhiker stuck out his thumb:
"I'll take it, whatever may come."
But he'd later lament,
As he saw it all bent,
That he'd gotten a ride in a drum.

"And tympani aren't merely loud,"
Said the maestro, conducting a crowd.
"If you press on the pedal
It sounds like a kettle."
With a grandiose flourish then he bowed.

A magician named Dick had a trick
Amazing for he's such a prick
He picked up his wand,
and wished for a blonde
And out popped a young man named Nick.

Sweet Nick, however, got bored
'Twas a redhead instead he adored.
His strawberry sweetheart
Her legs did he part
But never did he 'xpect that fjord.

My dog does sag just a bit.
'Tis the butt of everyone's wit
He has big floppy paws
And elephantine jaws
And an astonishing capacity to shut the door behind him.

The giant of twelve foot two spoke:
"I'll not be the one in that yoke!"
He drooled when he smiled
And when he ate a child
But frowned when the yoke weren't a joke.

Haggis makes such a pretty wee kitty
Tho what happened to Rob's such a pity.
He's all cuddly and pink
And, phew, does he stink
Why did they roll him in shitty?


02-17-2008, 11:58 AM
[... continued]

When roaming around in the dark
Please don't end up in the park
Unless groping's your pleasure,
Use your tape measure
And not your foot as a benchmark.

That grievously mischievous lout
thought he could bribe me with trout
but I detest fish
so please make my wish
and bring me a tankard of stout.

The elephants went on a hike
Except Dumbo, who rode on his trike,
His ears got entangled
And that one bit that dangled -
Caused his blood pressure to spike

Let's all use our sick leave today
and go for a roll in the hay
but those actually sick
please stay home with a flick;
Don't give away germs with your lay.

While bonking about in the straw,
He found that he couldn't withdraw
While closing the gap,
He got caught in the trap,
Next time, he'll go straight for her maw.

What is it with you pervo folks?
It's beyond civil manners, these jokes.
but they do make me laugh
and it's all for Our Craft
so throw off those stifling yokes!

Let's go out and dance in the rain;
Forget all your bunions and pain!
Stick your toes in a puddle
Give your wet dog a cuddle
just try not to fall down the drain!

This weather's somehow good and bad
but the heat is driving me mad
At one-hundred-and-nine
I need a Cuervo with lime,
A bath full of ice, and sleeping unclad.

It's so hot that I'm starting to droop
and since I'm a boob, I'll fall in that soup.
That's no noodle, but a nipple
That causes the ripple,
Not enough to feed the whole group

On his hand he had a great callus
from busily engaging his phallus.
He rubbed it quite raw,
but covered in slaw
he was known from Chicago to Dallas

It had nothing to do with his size,
but it sure did look like a prize.
Warty and green,
(and a little bit mean)
Yet he always could get it to rise.

While waiting for hours in the queue
At Victoria Station with nothing to do
all just to visit the loo
Why did I come to the Zoo?
Without Bobby, Sally, and you?

Young Jock had a tractor for sale,
along with three ewes and a pail.
His chickens for rent,
the egg money spent
on regret at the pub -- bitter ale.

The rapid decline of the king
Was cause for the locals to sing
He was a fat libertine
but we doused him in beans
As he nibbled a bucket of wings.

However, the chicken was sticky,
and planning, he'd been, for a quickie
so too bad for you
and your little dog too
There's no time left for taking the mickey.*

Meaney: *The Yanks may not be familiar with this phrase.

My sandwich was snatched by a gull;
It's ok though, the flavor was dull.
The bread was too tough
but the bird, sure enough,
flew off like a young Jethro Tull.

While doing a concert down South
I caught a large bug in my mouth.
'Twas crunchy and chewy
but I spit it, 'Ptooi':
To swallow it, I was -- well -- loath.

Pronounce it however thou wilt,
The beer shouldn't be getting spilt.
Your chin is aslobber
But, like any cobber,
it always tastes better sans silt.

So don't drop your beer in the mud
Especially if drinking a Bud.
The slovenly look
In that photo they took
Does nothing to show your blue blood.

Saint Nick has a message for you-who
Being naughty is something you will rue
Loving all that is sweet
Makes you less than petite
And your stockings a drag to fill too

I live in a world of my own
But the neighborhood seems to have grown
There are nutters and berks
and real estate clerks
and lawyers, but who would have known.

They all know me there, which I like.
When I go riding by on my bike
Folks wave and say "hi"
To which I reply,
"Get bent! You and your fucking Fourth Reich!"

Originally Posted by Meaney
In the woods there's a creature so fierce
Red eyes through murky green do pierce
I called out "Who's there?"
and lo! Fred Astaire!
And look at the size of those ... ears!

Unique: sorry. you have a better word that rhymes with fierce and pierce - have at it.

I went walking last night in the rain
Dragging my wife by a chain
But the look in her eyes
Said "I'm not your prize"
Then she proved me criminally insane.

Once I conformed, I admit.
But the act was not fully legit.
I cheated, you know,
To get that healthy glow
But we had such a wonderful fit.

I know that I'm not what you need
That my willy's quite small, I concede
But don't underrate
The pleasure most great:
I've got hands that can make your heart bleed.

Being subtle's no longer enough
So you better get off of your duff
Start using your tongue,
articulate lung, and
sing a Greek hymn off the cuff!

The bloke was a knockabout mug
Quite well known as a gangland thug.
He had his face fixed
but reactions were mixed
Now he's a thug with an ugly mug

My boss can be really rude
and when he sits around in the nude
I try not to see
what he's waving at me
One foot long, made of rubber, how crude!

She looked in the mirror and cried,
"That bastard! How could he have lied?!"
With spite in her plans
A gun in her hands
Her sweet revenge will not be denied.

I went to the doctor with gout
And asked him "what's this all about?"
"You've joints full of acid
And your breath's truly rancid."
Now pay me and get out!

So I was staring at Uranus
Thinking of someone famous
A pair of moons
like macaroons
and me an ignoramus.

Meaney: (Excuse my taking licence to adjust the meter.)

The Tweedles named Dee and named Dum
went out for a plate of Dim Sum
"No MSG" was the plea.
They served us green tea
and swapped us sugar for gum.

When old Milly took off on the lam
Her husband did not give a damn
But their dachshund sure did
and the pet giant squid
And the beast she was riding, the -- lamb.

Solatium: (That hurt me more than it hurt you.)

I wish I'd get over this cold
And I'm sneezing because of the mold
The boogers are flying
Think maybe I'm dying
I'm a terrible sight to behold.

My poor empty stomach is rumbling
"Think of your diet" I'm mumbling.
Now the Yak ate my pie,
I'll need a good alibi --
My world, flesh, and devil are crumbling.

Voyager: :ROFL: You limmerick writers are such upstarts with all your militant rhyming

Three things that resemble a key:
One small object to set you free
The second is lewd,
The first has been blued
And this rhyme makes no sense, don'tcha see?

The kitchen appliances store
really makes my pocketbook sore.
The lady insists
that veggies need mist
But that's not what I came in here for.

Pthom: Moving day! (http://the%20kitchen%20appliances%20store/)

A grater I needed, you see
not this fandangled monstrosity
if you have one in blue
with a knuckle protector (ooh!)
I'll take it. Stop gawking at me!

My goat has a horrible habit
He tries to make love to the rabbit
He gets down on his knees
Hanging all out in the breeze
And waits for the rabbit to grab it.

You have this annoying compulsion,
That is quite the utter repulsion
It just makes me gag
When you pull out a rag
And cover your body in lotion.

The vampire had a terrible toothache
He cured with frothy vermouth shake
he then whipped out his fangs
and combed back his bangs
And devoured a blood-red steak.

There was an old rascal called Willie
Who thought his old trousers looked silly
The legs were too long
And the zipper was wrong,
So he took them off. Now Willie's chilly.

A cowpoke from Texas went riding
And found local folk were in hiding
They moved the best thread
I thought it was dead
And so I'm pissed off and I'm chiding!!

There once was a man from Algiers
Who had hairy and floppy ears
He thought he was a donkey
His friends thought him funky
When he trimmed them with his pinking shears.

Suspenders, not belts, were for him
Because his rear end was so slim
"It's a trick," he allowed
"I'll gain weight he avowed"
so he cancelled his day at the gym

A stupid young surfer named Ned
Swapped his board for a sled
When people asked why
He said it's a high.
But the sled sank, and that's why Ned's dead.

A shady young lady from Butte
Spent some time in St. Luke's Institute
She grunted and stretched
Then bent over and retched
"That was fun," she said. "My, but I'm cute."

There once was a lass from Loch Ness
who kept spilling out of her dress
She filed suit against Playtex
Instead bought herself some pink Spandex
But Spandex allowed spilled chest to progress

There once was a thread poster named Pthom
Whose post was a veritable pbomb
He wanted success
And would take nothing less
So he went home to live with his mom.

A manly young man who was Scottish,
he thought a local lass hottish.
With thyme in her hair
And legs up to there
He'd've wed her but dang--she was Swedish!

Nymtoc, a mysterious man (adjusted for meter)
Made porridge without any pan
He cooked it just right
It was a wonderful sight
Being thrown in the trash can.

There once was a man with a dog
Whom he wanted to breed with a hog
The pooch said, "A pig?"
The man said, "You dig?"
And the silly dog slobbered agog.

A man of proportions outrageous
Claimed that diets were disadvantageous
He stepped on a scale
But it started to fail
Because gravity's often contagious

He then hit the floor with a thud
When he tripped on the shoddy old rug.
The flooring gave way
And he started to pray
That the cellar might be full of mud.

When they told me the sea's full of salt
Instead of hops, beer yeast and malt
I said I'm not drinking that
Cos it won't make me fat
Drinking beer is my love--not my fault

I may be an all-key-hole-ick
And booze may be what makes me tick
But the combination
Of my brain and libation
Is a disease that is making me sick.

The Rockies and Sox were a match.
Many balls they did have to catch
Green Wall or Thin Air
As in love all is fair
But baseball is not a rose patch.

My solutions don't often make sense
At times they may seem on the fence.
But I try very hard
Though I'm hardly the Bard
Although I say 'thee', 'thy', and 'whence'

I don't want to act very crude
And certainly be not a prude
I've studied E. Post
For I trust her the most
But I want to see her in the nude.

A man who resembled a catfish
Cooked his girlfriend a rat dish
When she ate it she said
"Are you sure that it's dead?"
"No," said he. "Would you rather have bat knish?"

A man of the world threw a party
For all that are large-nosed and warty
He perfected the brew
with animal glue
None of them could do a farty.

An evil lord once sat and thought
'Bout a pair of pink panties he'd bought
"I do love the lace
It tickles my face
But it in my pants zipper gets caught!"

Deodorant is such a boon
Some ladle it on with a spoon
And others, who dare,
Braid their armpit hair
As happily as a baboon.

There once was a crazy old hag
Who carried her teeth in a bag
Along with her wig
and a prize-winning pig
Which gave her a reason to brag.

A reader of tales that are gory
Searches for spine tingling stories.
Each corpse on the floor,
Each creak of the door,
Leads to a man eating dory.

A writer with hair on his palm
Tried to cure it with foul-smelling balm
But the smell was so rank
Was this some sort of prank?
To keep him from going to prom?

A man with suspenders of pink
Decided to skate on a rink
He didn't suspect
that he'd have to collect
money to go see a shrink.

Two sisters from Saginaw, Texas,
decided to murder their ex's.
The night of the hit
They sat for a bit
Then shot each ex in his solar plexus.

There once was a duck that was lame
Sure thing poetry wasn't its game.
Attempting a sonnet
With a bee in its bonnet
It got stung and quacked out. What a shame!

A spider invited a fly
to sit 'neath the cedar bonsai
they whistled a song
and pulled out a bong
and fly's in the sweet bye and bye.

Tony's a man from New Jersey
Who will greet you with a curtsy
He'll laugh and he'll flirt
While dishing the dirt
Telling you lies and hearsay.

An ostrich who lived in denial
Believed he could play the bass viol
He ripped all the chords
seeking only rewards
And now he lives in great style.

An ostrich who lived in denial
Thought flying a matter of style
With head in the sand
The air there was grand
But only the worms saw him smile.

There was an old miser named Bill
Who never made out a will
He died intestate
On the old Interstate
And haunts his rich nephews still.

A mushroom that grew in a wood
Believed it was misunderstood
It went to see Mister Carrot
But got ate by a ferret
Whose teeth were obnoxiously rude.

The ghost hovered over the house
Along with his phantasm spouse
They got on "Most Wanted"
Their grins were flaunted
They finally were caught by a mouse.

Poor Scarlett is gone with the wind
From partaking in too much gin.
She's passed out on the couch
Her position was slough.
A bit of a pickle she's in!

A little bird sat in a tree
And a spider crawled up her knee
"I promise you glory
If you tell me a story"
"How 'bout my sordid affair with a bee?"

An earthworm who wanted to fly
Wrote NASA asking how to apply
The rules for worms were clear
Don't fall in love with peers
And don't fly too high in the sky.

A wizard once came to town
With a beard that dangled far down.
His knees, they were knobby
And he was all wobbly
But he looked fabulous in a gown.

A guy in a sharkskin suit
Was looking to stash his loot
He looked everywhere
Except in his hair
Because there was lurking a coot.

A woman without any clothes
Was being paid well just to pose
She wasn't ashamed
When gentlemen aimed
Their cameras at her, I suppose.

Regarding the whims of a cat:
He dreams of chasing a rat
Well not chasing, per say
Just delivery-same day
Of ratatouille, low-fat

There once was a tree with an itch
So lonely, it wished to be hitched
One day up its trunk
Climbed a heartsick hunk
And now with love they are rich.

A lovely young lady from Russia,
whose first name sounded like Kasha
Was an heir to the Tsar
Hid in old Kandahar
And ended up Empress of Prussia

A pirate who ran out of rum
Set sail in a leaky old drum
He encountered a shark
And with caustic remark,
Skewered the shark up his bum.

There once was a sender of spam
Whose tee shirts professed Spam I Am
But down in the dregs
It's spam and green eggs
With onions and strawberry jam.

When Dracula smiles some folks shiver
And wish for some heat in the flivver
They reach for a stake
As they contemplate
How to steady the hand that does quiver

'Tis said that bald lovers are best
Which doesn't say much for the rest
With no hair up top
Some flip and some flop
And deliver the goods when pressed.

There was an old owl from Madrid
Who dined every night on fried squid
Got drunk on sangrilla
And played with his "willa"
And he is so happy he did.

A woman from Boston complained
Amid one's fair grid she was framed
And charged with the crime
Of killing a mime
After he had just entertained

A dentist who barely could see
Was known to pull molars with glee
He once drilled the tongue
For the pain it had brung
Ceasing his wife's endless bitching

Beware of the honest proctologist
He's also a clever apologist
Be still and cough
Once your pants are off
You may have to see a psychologist.

There once was a chick from Chicago
Who became a man and sailed to Santiago
Joan now known as Juan
Ran for president and won
Then said, "I regret seeing my bra go."

A mouse who disliked being small
Drank a potion to make him tall
It didn't quite work
And made him jerk
He's now the size of a gumball

Heed the advice of the widows three
Who come from over the sea
"It's better to wed
then to die in a bed
And never be kissed on the knee"

A horse who despised eating oats
Had to live with a family of goats
They only ate trash
And cigarette ash
And were the butt of all jokes

Consider the plight of the ant
He wants to play tennis but can't
His backhand is poor
His speed is unsure
People shout, "Hey, go chew on a plant!"

There once was a pirate named Bart
Who never fit into the part
He couldn't say "Arrrrrgh!"
Was afraid of the dark
And stealing folks' stuff broke his heart.

There once was a pirate named Bart
Who never fit into the part
He couldn't say "Arrrrrgh!"
Was afraid of the dark
And was hanged from the mast of the Ark

A Nematode from Iceland one day
Decided to spawn in the clay
But the clay was too dry
So he started to cry
"I can't have offspring this way!"

No matter how wealthy you are
and can buy an expensive car
There's still something missing
Don't buy one hissing
Or you'll end up in feathers and tar.

An eel that crossed the Red Sea
Stopped at Jiddah to have him some tea.
And while he was there
He ate an eclair
Then zapped the maitre d'.

A newbie who'd just joined the forum
Requested a slice of the quorum
The monitor said
With a pain in his head
Please show a bit of decorum.

That's it. That's enough!" said the teacher
To the student who taunted the creature
"You're here to learn
But I can discern
Mocking from those in the bleacher.

A man who itched with psoriasis
But lucky to not need dialysis^
Put cream on his rash
With a splat and a splash
Which caused total paralysis.

A woman who flirted with danger
Once chatted online with a stranger
She took off her blouse
Unaware that the louse
Was a secret Texas ranger.

A woman who flirted with danger
Once chatted online with a stranger
She took off her blouse
Unaware that the louse
Was an internet photo exchanger

A dog who barked up the wrong tree
Had to use the insanity plea
"I hear voices," he said
"They're quite clear in my head,
and they say two plus two equals three."

On a sub-freezing day in July
The thermometer told a great lie
So John wore pink shorts
Like the king of all dorks
And suspenders with his plaid tie.

The dorkiest dork of them all
Said, "I'm shaky but I wont fall!"
I might start to tip
But I'm not ill-equiped
I'll get there if I have to crawl!

A whiskered old gent with a cane
Liked to tap-dance his way through the rain
Tippy-tap tippy-tap
Went the chipper old chap
As he tap-danced his way down the lane

A sleepy young woman in France
Played a gypsy violin at a dance
The faster she played
The more her skirts frayed
As she sank in her self-induced trance

A fearsome old bear in a storm
Whose name unfortunately was "Norm"
Burst into a pub
Wielding a club
But chose to get pissed until morn.

In an effort to draw back the blinds
And reveal herself to filthy minds
She leaned on the sill
While wearing nil
And started her bumps and grinds.

He drank till he started to hurl
Then into a ball he did curl
He rolled on the floor
And rolled straight out the door
As his clothing began to unfurl.

He drank till he started to hurl
Then into a ball he did curl
He rolled on the floor
And rolled straight out the door
Into the calves of a shapely girl

A cross-eyed young fellow named Nick
Went everywhere wielding a stick
And poked a young guy
And put out his eye
Then painfully skewered his dick.

There once was a man with a hump
Who went to the park for a dump
The cops caught his act
And that is a fact
And so is his unwashed rump.

A cat who had only eight lives
Lost his seventh life looting bee hives
His sixth to a dog
And his fifth to a frog
And the rest to a kook armed with knives.

A wiley old gent with a 'stache
Thought he'd get him a gal with some cash
But she worked at night
And looked a real fright
And then he developed a rash.

A girl had a cat named Louise
Who always climbed evergreen trees
She got stuck on a branch
Up a tree on a ranch
Where in winter a branch cat could freeze.

A girl had a cat named Louise
Who climbed up evergreen trees
She had a litter
And hired a sitter
With a dreadful bad case of fleas

A wicked old witch on her broom
Desired a knight for a groom
but the wizard said no
You're too ugly, you crow
You would frighten the dead in a tomb.

A vulture without any beak
Found that when he ate soup, he would leak.
His prey would just laugh
Taking Vult's photograph
"Die ate when you do dat!" he'd peep.

The man from Lamancha was quick
So when his poor sidekick got sick
He rode off alone
A sack of old bones
Looking for a windmill to kick.

While Shakespeare was writing a play
Anne Hathaway walked in to say
"I want that part"
"Aw, Annie, don't start!"
But he let her play Lear anyway.

There once was a chimp who went crazy
And went willfully woefully lazy
But to his demise
He was covered with flies
And now he's pushing up daisies.

There was an old man from Tibet
Who had a remarkable pet
It danced and it sang
In the wilds of U-Tsang
Darting the posion frogs' ribbet

There once was a poster who dozed
At a loss, his computer just froze
His writerly friends
Could not make amends
For the pitiful lack of good prose

There was a man who dreamed
of lands and seas once pristine
Now they've lost their sheen
And they're no longer clean
As they once, in his dream, surely seemed.

To call someone 'fat' isn't nice.
Saying 'big-boned' remains sound advice
And never say 'oink'
In fear of a boink
"Hey, you're looking great!" will suffice.

A girl known as poor Cinderella
once ate way too much mozzarella
She got sick as a cat
And said "Drat, Drat, Drat!
That really ain't fun, I can tell ya!"

One wet winter's day in the Midwest
Some people begin to get depressed
But Santa drops by
(what a great guy!)
Dumps the gifts and steals a turkey breast!

There was a turkey who sought revenge
For a fowl-deed he wished to avenge
He lifted a cleaver
Lopped the tail off the beaver
Who gave out a horrible stench.

There was a turkey who sought revenge
For a fowl-deed he wished to avenge
He lifted a cleaver
Lopped the tail off the beaver
And buried it under Stonehenge.

The thing about stuffing a bird
With martinis, shaken not stirred
Is that people will think
You've had too much to drink
And that you are an alcohol nerd.

The squirrel once said to the rat
"Oh Blimey, that's really some hat!"
It goes with your ears
And matches your tears
It's wet and it falls with a splat.

When two people make the same rhyme
Some people may think it a crime
Well, it is. Go to jail!
There will be no bail
So write prose while you still have the time!

When plotting a tale of woe
A good writer feels each cruel blow
Yet nevertheless
Don't acquiesce
In ending it all with "heigh-ho".

Books are the most evil things
What? Even The Lord Of The Rings?
Especially that book
About Captain Hook
Where they fly without using wings.

Books are the most evil things
Whether read by peasants or kings
They twist your thoughts
With crosses and noughts
And mess up your very heart strings.

Wearing clothes is just such a bother
I'll go naked like my father
And if folks complain
I'll simply explain
That I'm spiffy and cool like no other.

In a land that's all upside-down
Where brown is green and green is brown
Confusion is great
Where crooked is straight
And the president is a clown.

A camel without any humps
Thought he could learn how to dance
He waltzed on the sand
Like this verse he was panned
And swept off to sea in 3 clumps

A turkey awoke in a freezer
Right next to a grizzled old geezer
So great was his shock
Melting the soup stock
That he instantly turned into a wheezer.

woof: "dance" rhymes with "humps" ? hmm... it's a stretch...

A turkey awoke in a freezer
Right next to a grizzled old geezer
So great was his shock
Melting the soup stock
That he instantly turned into a wheezer.

Beware of the pigs that can fly
as they swoop about in the sky
Pig poop can stain ya'
And dead pigs can brain ya'
Look! A porcine bomber is nigh!

The pen is mightier than the sword
But deeds more meaningful than words
The deed to a house
Or a book by a louse
Who wrote under a floor board.

There once was a writer who drank
And performed an incredible prank
He penned the tale
o'er a flagon of ale
He and his story really stank

A woman came back from the dead
And complained of the pain in her head
She'd been shot in the brain
For being too vane
And now she's a pretty undead.

A wave once hit on a rock
At the edge of a sea monster's Loch
A bagpipe was heard
Then a rare gooney bird
Flew by and started yelling in shock.

Two dwarves once met on a road
Patrolled by a militant toad
They got in a fight
That lasted all night
It ended with toad a la mode

My physics teacher is bald
Which keeps all his students enthralled
They write on his head
And post on this thread
Is that why these limericks are mauled?

There once was a shepherd from Greece
Who wore a superb golden fleece
The God Zeus was jealous
Hurled thunderbolts on Hellas
And came to blows with Hercules.

A man who thought the earth was flat
Set out to prove exactly that
He raced to the edge
Stubbed his toe on a ledge
And fell off the world with a splat.

I dreamed that I walked outside nude
So you really can't call me a prude
Then I was seen by a cop
Then I spun like a top
The arrest warrant read "Acting lewd."

There once was a man from St. Kitts
who had a really nice pair of...mitts
eaten by hippos
do you suppose?
No one knows, but the hippos had fits.

There once was a man from St. Kitts
who had a really nice pair of...mitts
eaten by hippos
do you suppose?
that they were sad that the mitts do not fit

A prince fell in love with a cow
Rejecting his heartbroken sow
the king was quite mad
That his bestial lad
Chose a kuh instead of a frau.

The weirdest thing happened last summer
I dated an octopus drummer
his tentacles froze
and so did my nose
which was one hell of a bummer!

A lady from Chanson le Mer
was brushing her tangled-up hair
When without any warning
The day began dawning
And hair fell all over her chair.

"Have you cheated on me?" said Othello
"But why, I'm such a respectable fellow?"
"It's your dink" she replied
(I'm afraid that she lied)
"It's your buttocks - they're soft as a pillow."

"Have you cheated on me?" said Othello
"But why, I'm such a respectable fellow?"
"It's your dink" she replied
(I'm afraid that she lied)
Then why are your feet on the pillow?

There once was a bat in a belfry
Whose smell was very unhealthy
When he opened his wings
The other bats would sing
"Take a bath, bat, and get odor free!"

The trouble with Lady Macbeth
Was that she got her jollies from death
Necrophilia, they say
They should lock her away
Yet, her fetish is better than meth.

When gargoyles and griffins do gyre
They create a maelstrom of fire
And the slithy toves
In the borogroves
Joined them in the black deep fryer

There was a man who ate swordfish
All covered with hot horseradish
It stuck in his throat
Which just got his goat
As vomiting became sort of faddish.

A wily old women from Greece
Rented the Parthenon on lease
For two drachma a month
Which is due on the ninth
For a rhyme-athon if you please!

There once was a cat with nine lives
Who recently began to eat chives
But chives made him sick
And vomit a brick
Which really grossed out all his wives

A long time ago in Lubbock
In the grime, the dirt, and the muck
Rose the great Buddy Holly
Writing songs melancholy
(He should have travelled by truck)

An irreverent writer of poems
Wrote volumes of boring tomes
He used naughty words
Making them sound more absurd.
The only good reviews were from gnomes.

I encountered a very rude crow
Who looked like someone I know
He had a large beak
Which I gave a tweak
Eliciting a sneeze and a blow.

A troll who lived under a bridge
Charged a toll from those poor and rich
A nickel to pass
Whether donkey or ass
Or male dog or even a bitch (just as clean?!)

A dollar equals four quarters
According to miserly hoarders
Except in New York
Where even a dork
Can be an economic reporter.

I'll start with an easier rhyme
Which gets harder all the time
No free verse here
It has to please the ear
Or we'll considerate it a crime.

I never was one for hunks.
Or for muscle-bound lunks
With abs of steel
And an Achilles' heel
And a smell that could rival a skunk's.

When Hamlet conferred with a ghost
Uninvited to his weiner roast
He learned of deceit
On a royal bedsheet
Then he shrugged, spread more jam on his toast.

They say brandy is bad for your liver
And gin makes your pancreas quiver
But beer feeds the brain
A lie I maintain
Though your bladder flows like a river.

A turtle broke out of her shell
And scaled the pits of hell
Leaving the fire
She sought her desire
And now makes the soup taste real swell.

A baker of sweets in his shop
Liked whisky, and more than a drop
Instead of cane sugar
he called on Lex Luger
and asked him to make it a swap.

A pretty young thing from Dubai
Taught her baby to wave bye-bye
She waved all day long
While mom toked a bong
Till CPS happened by.

Look quickly or you're going to miss
Something to add to your bliss
It sticks to your skin
And makes you look thin
And sucks out your blood with a hiss

A woodpecker was out on a limb
Being more of a her than a him
He wiggled his tail
To entice a male
But the prospects were ever so grim

A woodpecker was out on a limb
Being more of a her than a him
He wiggled his tail
To entice a male
Now they're off to San Fran on a whim.

On vacation on Fisherman's Wharf
I met a Mongolian dwarf
Who thought he was tall
Learned to play baskeball
But all that he scored was a laugh!

On vacation on Fisherman's Wharf
I met a Mongolian dwarf
Who thought he was tall
Learned to play baskeball
And into a giant did morph.

A cowpoke rode into Loredo
Into the path of a tornado
He held tight the reins
Till blood pooped his veins
And he turned into scarlet Play-Doh.

If I finished my novel today
I will then have the weekend to play.
So I'd better work
And sweat like a jerk
'cause I don't know what to say.

There once was a girl from El Paso
Whose figure resembled a lasso
She was roped and hog-tied
Oh, her future was fried!
But she fooled 'em all. Now she's a basso.

"Bah! Humbug!" said Scrooge. "This is folly!"
Only Santa thinks Christmas is jolly.
If I steal all the toys
From the good girls and boys
and stuff stockings with pinching holly.

There once was a man from New York
Who was sadly addicted to pork.
He loved ham and bacon
But replaced them with "Steak-Um"
Yes, he sure was a dork.

Whenever you're feeling depressed,
Let a friend help you get fully undressed
Get right to the root of the problem
Don't fight or endeavor to stop them
Just remember don't ever confess.

A woman who thought she was smart
Was brainy but hadn't a heart
More nasty than nice
And colder than ice
Her chilliness went off the chart.

A bow-legged man rode a mule
All covered in lice and thick drool
He rode for a mile
Then spewed some bile
When some kids shouted, "Look at the fool!"

Cleopatra, they say, was enchanting
She got Caesar and Antony panting
As she sailed up the Nile
In Pharoahnic style
Her favors, they say, she kept granting.

There once was a lad called Tom Thumb
Who stuck his finger up his bum
His mom said, "That's bad!"
"Just mimicking Dad!"
Well, it's clear that whole family was dumb.

There once was a man from Seattle
Whose snake he tried to de-rattle
But the snake was too quick
And bit him on the prick
You could say, that man lost the battle.

My girlfriend has no cell phone
Sometimes, when she's out alone,
She tries telepathic thought transference
But satellites cause interference
I really must get her a dog and bone

eodmatt: (Cockney rhyming slang for phone)

An elegant gentleman from Sakhalin
dropped his pocket watch into the latrine
He stuck in his arm
Pulled it back in alarm
Away from a mutant biting sardine

Santa Claus has gone on a diet
Cause the media took note when he fried it
His hat, boots, red "suite"
made him just want to eat
until he'd succumb to disquiet.

The reindeer were slaughtered for steaks
For a nest of carnivorous snakes
The cobras ate Rudolf
Prancer did run off
All trampling the uneaten cakes

A limerick felt so dejected
That he hadn't been elected.
Not one vote was cast
So sordid his past!
He upped and sadly defected.

A writer who lived in a hole
Fell in love with a literate mole
Who wined her and dined her
In hopes to entwine her
Then bake her in a casserole.

A woman who married a moose
Was known for morals, loose
She cheated with stags
And cavorted with nags
So the moose sued for spousal abuse.

Three witches prepared a hot brew
Buttered scones and Ocelot stew
Spider web tea
And tidbits of me
And generous dollops of you.

"Let's go find some gold," said the miner.
"And take a pan from the diner"
To the river they traveled
And panned all the gravel
That sparkled. One's now a designer.

There once was a man from LaSalle
Who was lusting after a gal
So firm and so feisty
She looked really tasty
He married her and made her his pal.

A hotdog from Ischcabibble
Did argue, split hairs and quibble
But he didn't relish
An outcome so hellish
As dying nibble by nibble

A pigeon who flew to New York
Was mistakenly seen as a stork
So he put on a suit
Struck a note on his flute
And learned to eat peas with a fork.

A stripper called Lola LaRue
Had a most unbecoming tattoo
But she his it with guile
And it looked like a smile
Right across Lola's big boobs

In the old Texas town of LaWrite
Lived a gentleman, learnéd and bright.
His opinion was sought
Or more or less bought
Though his answers were stunningly trite.

A lady with superfluous ears
While hearing and eavesdropping hears
Some gossip so smutty
That involved sex and putty
That she was quite reduced to tears

A happy investor in shares
Invested in a warren of hares
But these bunnies did hop
And do nothing but plop
So he lost his investment. Who cares?

From Denver to Durham to Dallas
From Pavarotti to Callas
All operaphiles swoon
And dance 'neath the moon
After dosing their hair with Vitalius.

The Jolly old man with his elfs
tried to start the red sleigh, oh welfs
But the deer wouldn't budge
They were on strike for fudge
And thinking only of themselfs!

Mrs Santa decided to help
By feeding the reindeer boiled kelp
They gulped and they swallowed
They hiccupped and hollered
And expired with one great yelp.

Rudolf painted his nose turquoise
Thinking it would amuse girls and boys
But it caught the eye
Of a North Pole spy
Guess which reindeer no one employs.

Under the mistletoe an ogre stood
With his glass eye and leg made of wood
He grabbed a young miss
And said give me kiss
But she wasn't ready for ogrehood

Elvis the long-legged elf was ready
He fell in love with short legged Betty.
They met mid-calf
Twas his better half
Until Betty took off with Freddy.

There once was a man named St. Nick
who went swimming but sank like a brick
But once he hit bottom
A gang came and gott'em
Then walloped him with a long stick.

The man in the 7th-floor flat
Decided to marry his cat
So, armed with some flowers
The cat-nipping powers
Was killed by an 18 foot rat

An owl who wasn't too bright
Challenged an eagle to fight
They soared through the sky
Till they met a magpie
Who died from shock at the sight.

A tiger who devoured three men
was caged but escaped his pen
with stripes ablazing
the certain hell raising
He decided to do it again.

For presents she made them biscotti
That she took to them on her Ducati
Her bike hit a bump
And her bladder went thump
And she cried out, "I have to go potty!"

There once was a green armadillo
Who used a young mole as a pillow
But mole, he grew old
short-sighted and cold
So he left to warm Amarillo.

There was a duck who couldn't swim
So all his friends made fun of him
They mixed up some Jell-O
which made them feel mellow
Now they're all bouncing at the Jello-O Gym

Albert Einstein was a pretty smart fellow
His shirts were green and his tie was yellow
He had a relative theory
And blue-green eyes so bleary
"So who cares if I clash?" he would bellow.

A Mandalay black widow spider
Once found an intrepid outsider
At once, she had tied
A fly she had spied
And then sucked the whole thing inside her.

There once was a king from Persia
Who suffered from horrid inertia
He sat, and he sat
with brainwaves so flat
And was replaced with a new Shah.

When I think of an African elephant
I conceive a riposte so inelegant
That I curse and I swear
Think it's all so unfair
And all so terribly irrelephant.

Dr. Frankenstein woke one day
And decided to go out to play
He unearthed a brain
Oblivious to pain
But happy to go out and slay.

The twelve days of Christmas are weird
That song about them should be feard!
Those maids all a milking? <- - - adjusted for meter.
Or all those lords leaping?
And were all those ladies brassiered?

In jolly old England, they say,
Dear Saint Nick, well he don't ride a sleigh
He takes a night train
Through fog and through rain
To Cardiff, where he sleeps all day.

But really, you see, I digress
'Tis a season of joy and of stress
Of turkey and stuffing
(Tho’ poor folks get nuffing)
And undisguised fullblown excess.

The turkey looked into the kitchen
And saw a trussed, stuffed pigeon
'Hmmm kinky' he thought
"Must be store-bought,
but I’ll give it one while it’s still twitchin’’

I was feeling a little obstreperous
And couldn't quite help but be amorous
So taking a chance
I asked her to dance
'Cause no one else there was as glamorous.

Some things are just unavoidable
Like foods that are hemorrhoidable
So take it from me
Pebbles aren't peas
But Baseball stats, though, are steroid-able.

'Twas the Night before Christmas, I guess
And I traded my pants for a dress
But my wife exclaimed ‘Brian!
That dress needs an iron.
And is there something you want to confess?’

Whilst fumbling around in the dark
In the bushes that grow in the park
I found a young couple
All naked and supple
and was stuck for a witty remark

A donkey, two nuns and a mime
Were dancing a polka in time
When to their dismay
They missed the buffet
After the nuns committed a crime

A monkey fell out of a tree
And bumped into Robert E. Lee
Lee said, "I declare!
Your midriff is bare!"
And you smell like a 6-month old Brie.

A reindeer who went out on strike
Said Santa could go ride a bike
The other deers cheered
Poor Santa just sneered
As he gathered his things for a hike

A turkey was flapping its wings
Knowing what Christmas brings
It wanted to flee
But had to go pee
Now there's cranberry with my drumstick and wings.

I keep hearing the holiday is about
Gathering with family-in laws and out
Children with their lists
Granny's mean ol' fists
And more than one drunken lout.

Contact Santa at northpole.com
But don't tell your dad or your mom
Those pics of the elves
Getting off on themselves
Will make you grow hair on your palm.

She was taken on a gruesome sleigh ride
And made Frankenstein's creature's new bride
When she saw his big bolt
She felt a strong volt
That swept her misgivings aside.

There once was a rat who wrote prose
Who penned all his words with his toes
He'd grip the pen tight
With all of his might
But did publishers call? No one knows.

A feisty old hobo called Sammy
was known to be running a scammy.
He bilked all the widows
and milk money from kidos
Yet his song won him a Grammy.

There was a swan who hated to swim
but entered a race looking to win
To cause him great speed
On beans he would feed
And he sometimes worked out at the gym.

Santa brought me a real sexy dress
But my hair is an absolute mess
My shoes are a fright
My makeup's not right
That's why I say, "Bonjour Tristesse."

My neighbor's remarkably fat
And eats ice cream by the vat
His belly's so big
That he shames every pig
Try to tell him so. He'll knock you flat.

When Scarlett set out to catch Rhett
She acted like a real coquette,
Rhett don't give a damn,
Just chews on his ham,
and says, "Frankly, I prefer a brunette."

The beast with the tentacled head
Made the posse all wish they were dead.
As it crept through the night
They all listened in fright
And some of them dampened the bed.

Hickory dickory dog
My beagle got lost in the fog
All I heard was his howl
As he dreamed of hot fowl
And a snooze by the blazing Yule log.

When I have to get up and go
My legs get all languid and slow
May gait is feeble
I wobble and weeble
So much for going with the flow

It's time to look at the year past
Which went by so very damn fast,
Time to right your wrongs
Like buying those thongs...
Oh, forget it! Let's just have a blast!

On the very first day of the year
Should your hangover disappear
Go talk a brisk walk
Or read some real schlock
Or at least drink a gallon of beer.

There was an old man who turned blue
Because he had sniffed too much glue
His neighbors all giggled
When his body wiggled
And jumped like a blue kangaroo.

"What big eyes you have!" said Li'l Red
"Are you sure you've taken your med?"
"Of course, dear," said Granny
"Well, don't touch my fanny!
Or you'll be permanently stuck in that bed."

There once was this cool writing site
That was called Absolute Write.
The members were odd
Both brilliant and flawed
They worked hard to give their words life

Once an optimist and a pessimist did marry,
Their child was a sweet little fairy,
He said, "No, I couldn't."
Just knowing he shouldn't
And turned Miss Smith into Harry.

Sponge Bob and Patrick are great!
Their nonsense and mirth are innate
They joke loud and long
both break out in song
But neither of them have a mate

There once was a schoolteacher gal
Who wanted to find a man pal
She wrote out a test
To find the best
But he was worse than a root canal.

A writer who wrote in the nude
Snub folks who said it was crude.
So he raised his quill
wielding it with a will
Yet his sex scene was still pooh-poohed.

A maniac wielding an ax
was stopped when his weapon was taxed
he found he was broke
when the IRS bloke
sent him an invoice by fax

Awaking this morning I find
A squeaking rodent who is blind
And slurping down tea
While strangling a flea
that threatened to bite her behind.

The hangover when it hit home
Sent a lightning bolt through my dome
Those rum and tequilas
in my pajamas
had me pacing and longing to roam.

The New Year got snowed under
Amidst the storms and thunder
The revelers were buried
All mince pied and merryd
Their clothing all ripped asunder.

Should old acquaintance be forgot?
or simply buried under a pot?
Maybe chained to a pole,
with a hot yeast roll
Or tossed in an empty parking lot.

My new year is starting out great
I just returned home from a date
I would've got lucky,
But things came unstucky
When he asked if I’d put on some weight

There was a young lady called Hannah
who sometimes unfurled her green banner
It left her bemused
(and that means confused),
so she upped and left Alabama

There once was a moppet named Millie
whose exclamations came out quite silly
‘Hot dang diddley doo!’
and 'Fiddledy foo!'
Which sprang from her lips willy nilly

A lady faire in a wagon
called out to a plaid dragon
"You horrible lizard!
"You stepped on the wizard!
So now take a drink from my flagon!"

The dragon replied "What the heck!
I think it's time to go high tech"
Then grabbing his gun
He started to run
But ended up stabbed in the neck.

The damsel then burst into tears
Because of the dragon's vile leers
She wept and she moaned
He sneered and he groaned
While people watched, chugging down beers.

"Let's greet the New Year," said the mule
"By daring the horse to a duel"
He ran to the stable
Where the horse was at table
But horsey just laughed at the fool.

There was an old man with a beard
Who slept with a goat he had reared
And while they were sleeping
A neighbor was peeping
But he'll never tell--he's too skeered.

The girl with the lavender hair
Once tried a product like Nair.
Her hair all fell out
And she grew a snout
And boy do the guys point and stare!

A man with a fuzzy, broad chest
Thought that women would vote him the best
If he tucked in his gut
and padded his butt
but the ladies all took him in jest.

so dyeing his hair royal blue
didn't even give him a clue.
He got on a plane
looking very inane
but hiding a bomb in his shoe.

My daughter just finished her work
Then went absolutely beserk
She climbed up a tree
Eating some Brie
But decided to cut short her lurk.

I now have to go get my lunch
I'll die without something to munch
But hubby's made stew
Made of horse bones – like glue
They're chewy but do have some crunch.

Last night an owl flew inside
In search of his runaway bride
I don't give a hoot
She's out on a toot
And cannot now damage my pride.

Right now there's a dog that is howling
To be noticed by J.K. Rowling
But she is too far
Such a literary star
And cares not for animals growling.

The fun of this limerick thread
Is the word search inside your head
And the rhyming at speed
It's time well spent, indeed !
And much better than staying in bed.

The problem, however, with threads
Is someone jumps in ahead
I try to be fast
Yet sometimes I'm last
In hitting the keys on the head.

Tomorrow I'm starting a diet
I am hoping my friends will buy it,
If not, I don't care,
I'll endure the stares
But tonight give me pork: I will fry it!

Oh when will this ever be done?
This rhyming addiction’s no fun
It's highly frustrating
When you’re sitting there waiting
Until there arises the sun.

An extra-terrestrial being
Who every so often went fleeing
Landed on Earth
And for what it's worth
Became very good at sight seeing.

'Cept he couldn't see in the dark
And walked into a trailer park,
and someone grabbed him
And bruised both his shins
so much for going out on a lark.

For those who forfeit in a limerick
And forget to put prompts up like, real quick,
The punishment is
An AW quiz
Who is the best writer of us all, now pick!

A candidate went to New Hampshire
Where he was pro-life, but anti-fur
What he didn't know
Was that deep in the snow
Was a female socialist vulture.

There was an old lady from Boston
Who wore only clothes made by Halston
I could never be moved
Or my wardrobe improved
So I'll only eat kibble from Ralston.

On a rocket ship far, far away
A man and woman did play
At doctors and nurses
zero gee caused curses
when having a romp in the hay

A man with a very long nose
kept getting it stuck in his clothes
it was trapped in his zipper
where it stank like a kipper
But the ladies all cried ‘Thar she blows!’

Whilst fondling a buttock in Rome
A man began writing a poem -
He whipped out his quill
His feelings he spilled
While deftly his fingers did roam.

The buttock in question was large
reminding myself of a barge
Though on a treadmill
I wondered if Fred will
salute when he next calls me "Sarge"

A journalist once ventured to say
"I think the Prime Minister is gay."
His readers astonished,
Cried "This man is honest!"
"Who cares what's his preference, eh?"

When Horace the horsey neighed
each mare within miles strayed
He'd ruffle his mane
And stretch his rein
You could hear the old nags bay

There once was a man from Ohio
Who fell off his roof--"Me-oh-my-oh!"
He broke his pelvis
While channeling Elvis
And now has a diet of Jell-O

While watching my team lose the game
I cursed and called them the name
I was joined by some othersuckers
eating breakfast at Fudruckers
silently, our heads hung in shame

There once was a writer from Alaska
Who wished that she lived in Nebraska
A polar bear bit her,
Balked, then it kissed her
And they ended up eating marasca.

An aging lothario from Pisa
said "M'Dear, I'm really a sleaza.
I pinch every bum
and I'm all soaked in rum
I just hope the brothel takes Visa"

There once was a ghost who was fat
whose name was Dead Corpulent Pat
He haunted the thames
in yellow-blue flames
Where he belched and farted and spat.

A sheep was allergic to wool
and at his own curls he would pull
He coughed and he sneezed
he hacked and he wheezed
until along came a bull.

A duck with a very loud quack
Had his bill and his feet painted black
His feathers he dyed
He was living a lie
A habit of which he'd the knack.

A duck with a very loud quack
Had his bill and his feet painted black
His feathers he dyed
He was living a lie
by pretending to be a knick-knack.

Two penguins were plodding on ice
When one gave the other advice
"You shouldn't flip-flop
this waddling must stop
or else you'll fall flat on your fice."

A polar bear hearing their spat,
whilst trying on a large feathered hat
Posed in the mirror
recoiling in fear
Because he'd gotten so fat.

The giant moved out of Atlantis
Looking just as enraged as his rant is
He moved to Beirut
And bought a white suit
which he wore with some frilly pink panties.

Two zombies were having a chat
About why they never got fat
They pigged out on flesh
Both rotten and fresh
But their sallow abs remained flat.

Young Frankenstein was so lonely
he'd misplaced his one and only
So he built her from scratch
Even added a hatch!
And grafted a wart to her knee.

When I'm really feeling pekish
I allow myself a fetish
untying neckties
and strangling mayflies
Before I swallow Czech fish.

There was a man who sprouted quills
And rambled on about daffodils
He was soft in the head
and talked to the dead
And lived on purple happy pills.

And old gal with clothes erotic
Was fractious, diseased and despotic
She lured young men
Again and again
They all danced nude and exotic.

http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1963576&postcount=5448"]Peter's (http://Peter's) Limerick Rant

Because she stayed over at Harry's
She missed Pthom's rant (he's an Aries)
But after the rant
Her stout fearsome aunt
Went off with some pixies and fairies.

A fox with a face full of whiskers
Came home all covered in blisters.
His mother's gale voice
knew the wrong in his choice
"Silly boy, you can't kiss both sisters!"

Marmaduke flew to the moon.
and from a crater he'd croon
This isn't cheese!
then he would sneeze
before passing out in a swoon.

Old Jasper went hunting one day
A unicorn hoping to slay.
He sighted a centaur
Who said, "Sir, you're bent. Are
You keen on a romp in the hay?"

A porcupine out for a stroll
Sat carefully down on a knoll.
But one of his quills
poked holes in them hills
Which strikes me as ever so droll.

An intelligent elegant heron
Met a pellican who was named Sharon
Heron: 'Do you dance?'
Sharon: 'Not a chance!
Because of the gown you are wearin' "

There once was a limited time, see,
When limericks were rhythmic and rhymesy
with meter and grace
All frilly with lace
Now some limericks suck. That's a crime, see?

A man with a hammer and tongs
was singing Burt Bacharach songs
his voice out of tune
hie eyes on the moon
He continued while smoking his bong

There once was an old dog called Buck
Who rode in the back of a truck.
He thought, "Man, this lorry
Would make a cool story
if only it weren't full of muck!"

A peacock who thought he was wise
Spread his feathers so he'd look nice
a wind blew them off
which gave him a cough
so he died and was buried in ice.

There once was a girl from Rangoon
Who rose swiftly in a balloon
she ran out of gas
and fell on her ass
And left this cruel world much too soon.

"To market, to market!" said Pig.
"I need some fresh meat and a fig.
I'll make fig soufflee,"
said pig sounding gay,
"And while they eat, I'll dance a jig."

There once was a lecher from Leeds
Who tailored weird holes in his tweeds.
He had one on his knee,
As gross as could be,
Though better than that where he peed.

Once an old man named Gapetto
Tried to carve his way out of the ghetto
He dug and he shoveled
And then, on knee groveled
While drinking some strong amaretto.

“The problem with drinking and driving,”
Said Roberta, while going pub diving,
"Is not looking nervous
When drivers swear at us,
together with all the conniving."

On Friday night down at the pub
Jonnie asked, 'What's all the hubbub?'
The ale was a-flowin'
A psychic was knowing
three men were singing in a tub.

A Martian named Murzig Mazor
Was shaving a girl with a razor.
He asked how she felt
And she nearly did melt
'Cause Murzig's sharp razor did faze 'er.

Belinda Melinda O'Malley
Stole a painting by Salvador Dali
Its lines were distorted
the shapes all cavorted
So she threw it away in the alley.

Two sailors, two girls and a mule
Decided to swim in a pool
But the mule was drowned
After clowning around
And riding the girls like a fool.

A man who was forced to eat crow
Said, "It actually tastes good, you know
Still, the talons are tough
Till I chew them enough
And I spit out the beak like a pro.

A peacock, a horse and a nun
Robbed a bank and then went on the run
The getaway car
Had a fully stocked bar
And roof-mounted Gatling gun

On top of old Smokey at night
Jack and Jill had a terrible fight
Something 'bout buckets
They said. Well, tough luck! It's
Too bad. Jack just fell from sight.

But Jill, she just wanted to rumble
She laughed when poor Jack took his tumble
Yet she caught her toe
On a bramble, and so
All her plans she did bumble.

Just take it (be strong!) on the chin
And if you must, guzzle some gin
Hehe, you'll feel free!
Hey, just look at me!
I'm drunk with a busted grin.

When the teataster drank from a tass
He explode with terrible gas.
"What's in this?" he cried.
"My guts are outside!"
I suppose I'll go on a fast.

Herb was a man of distinction,
whose pastime was termite extinction
He stamped out those pests
then threw a food fest.
But, alas, had an ant infestation.

A gerbil who lived in a cage
Flew into a terrible rage
They'd stirred his martini
with his cage mate's weenie
who more than doubled his age.

A flag flying high on the breeze
Flapped twice when it happened to sneeze
The rigging then broke
the flag had to choke
sagging mournfully down on its knees.

A raven, a crow and a rook
met a chicken, a goose and a duck,
three owls and a wren,
in a seed field when
They all began to..uh..flock.

The pig we must never malign
In some cultures he is divine
His manners, in truth
Are sometimes uncouth
What do you expect from a swine?

Deep in the tomb of a mummy
Archaeologists got kind of chummy
Unearthing a bone
they heard a great groan:
The curse of the hungry tummy!

I dreamed I had traveled to Mars
With the green twins, Lana and Lars
They look so alike
When out on a hike
But quite different when playing guitars.

A woman from East Transylvania
Migrated to west Pennsylvania
She rented a room
and wove on a loom
And now she sells rugs to Albania.

Ten dollars will buy you a cow
And twenty will get you a plow
And fifty will buy
a hayloft to try
and lighten the sweat from your brow.

A farmer once fancied a wench
he offered her room on his bench
“But I can’t,” she did say
"I must go and make hay."
Then she clobbered him with a big wrench.

The sheriff inducted a posse
To capture the bandit called Flossie
A cow on the lam
We're stalking beef and not ham
And we don't like a heifer who's bossy.

A fantasy writer named Megan
Was smacking the keyboard and beggin'
When she cried HALLELUJAH,
May the force come to ya,
The hero's clothes on the line she'll be peggin'.

When he jimmied the lock on the storage
He discovered an old rusted war fridge,
With some whiskey inside,
and a photo that lied
Soldiers never die! They play bridge!

There once was a cook in Wyoming
After big horned sheep she went roaming
She caught a large ram
And offered it Spam
and kissed him right there in the gloaming.

A young hairless werewolf named Louie
Said "All of these threads are just phooey!"
Then he had an itch.
Said "Well, ain't that rich.
I must be allergic to newbies."

Whatever became of the fragrance
with which one associates vagrants
Whose hair needed combing
Because they'd been roaming
forever, in search of a homing

There once was a lass from Yagoona
Who fancied a lad from Altoona
She powdered and primped
And pouted and crimped
'Cause he really was the big Kahuna!

To copy and paste is a skill
Which very few teachers instill
But try as I might
I can't get it right
And sometimes I feel I could kill!

There once was a poster who thought
that real good ideas can be bought
So he gave out a dollar
Then let out a holler
his larceny all came to nought.

A perky young Mouse on vacation
Met a sexy mouse at the bus station,
She offered him cheese
But his shrug made her freeze
Twas the end of her cheesy flirtation

A skinny young man from Ohio
Went down to Louisiana's Bayou
He feasted on gumbo
And shrimp small and jumbo
And crab bisque, up to the wazoo

A gentleman wearing an orchid
never showed up unescorted
On each arm was a nymph
with magical imps
Whose memory was somewhat distorted.

A hairy old man named Jim
went nude when taking a swim
But nobody noticed
This nonchalant floatist
except the otter who loved him.

A flaminco dancer in purple
Couldn't bend because of his girdle
It pinched where it shouldn't
But junk it? He couldn't
Twas a kick, and that was the hurdle.

A true-loving wife in her forties
had a liking for guys who were shorties
She wed seven dwarves
'Cause at night they'd morph
and simulate ravishing sorties.

A yeti sat, bemoaning his fate.
"Alas," he said, "I must lose weight."
All the leaves from the tree
no longer cover me
I must leave what I once loved to ate

A debonair salesman with buck teeth
announced, "I've drunk from the River Lethe."
"But still I am here,
though I've lost my left ear!
so hand over the victory wreath!"

A mantichore courted a sphinx
(With a nose) but she wasn't a lynx
bringing fine flowers
chocolate towers
and a sweet serenader in pinks.

When Scrooge McDuck counted money
He was watched by his gold-digger honey,
The bigger his stack
She would quack about lack
Till he left her, for some fluffy bunny.

A serious chap, Archimedes
Got smarter by eating his Wheaties
Though some felt that muesli
would make him speak loosely
He died without any archenemies. (Ooo, not so good, eh?)

Whenever the fat man farted
His buns gave a fanfare full-hearted.
One day, found him corked...
For sure, his thing "rorked"
And he from his buttocks was parted.

There once was a pulp fiction author
Whose fear was travelling norther
he'd shut his eyes tight
And pulse through the flight
as he screamed loud, 'It's such a bother!'

A slinky young gryphon once pouted
Thinking that he'd been outed
He sobbed, with a tear...
"Twas simply the beer
my sexiness I never doubted!"

There once was a harpy from Greece
Who flapped as she scrapped over cheese
This isn't quite fair
Being ugly and bare
What I'd give to look like a Matisse !

A graceful young person named Percy
Was known for crying out 'O, merci!'
With a dab of cologne
And a sensual groan
Thus became the ultimate patsy.

A man with no home wrote a sign
But the letters he couldn't align
he wrote and he cursed
"Help! My fountain pen burst!
I guess I'm no good at design"

A creaky old dame, near fifty
Saved all her dimes and was thrifty
But no matter how much
She just couldn't touch
The Hope Diamond, it's so nifty!

A frantic young lady from Paris
Eloped with a man called Jarvis
A man past his prime
Was running out of time
They put on his stone, here lies Harris.

A hungry young cannibal once said
before you know it, you will be dead
He took out his spoon
And grinned like a loon
then made sure his tummy was fed.

A T-rex once courted a dino
who wore a red dress and looked so fine-o
"Will you please be mine?"
He asked with a whine,
"You're cuter than Rhea the rhino."

My writing has gone to the dogs
who have run away hunting for frogs
It's actually quite scary
those frogs can be hairy
And make the dogs shit great big logs

My dog sheds all over the carpet
I just don't deserve such a varmit
I vacuum all day
And don't get to play
I'd have more free time in a tar pit.

A stuffy young lad named McGreavy
Shouted,"Why does no one believe me?"
When I say that I love
such a cute little dove
They just up and leave me!"

A sainted old bitty named Martha
Kept spouting aliens were attacking from Zartha
no one believed her
So she hopped a four-wheeler
And collected samples of their barfa.

There once was a witch named Winifred
who loved to bake her own pumpkin bread
She kneaded her dough
Said, Presto-chango"
Pumpkin treats on table were spread

There once was a tiger with spots
Who guarded some vacant lots
He'd roar with delight
In the dead of the night
then he'd play and connect his dots.

A sinister gent name of Murphy
Was a master of the furphy *
he'd lie and mislead'
spin yarns and succeed
And in the end, always go buy a slurpee!

ona: (*Australianism - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furphy )

A really cute kitty named Tinsel
Had fleas and always scratched himsel'.
He took a flea bath
In the dusty path
And left the biters in the dirt, back in dustville.

Freddy woke every morning with migraines
And unbearably painful thigh pains
he bitched and he moaned
Until mucho money he was loaned
So he moved to uninhabited plains.

A werewolf named Theo tried to shave
so the striking writers would behave
And in the full moon
he'd whine and he'd croon
like a perfect besotted love-slave

A grouchy old bletch named Matera
was always ruining her mascara
Her dabs made it worse
And boy did she curse
She was banned from Revlon forever

An old wizard had grown quite depressed
his old rival he never could best
So he learned a new trick
with help from Old Nick
and a new attitude he found success.

A poet dreamed of a unique rose
That grew between his dirty toes
Light chartreuse in color
Though somewhat duller
It just died before reaching his nose.

A fanciful chimney sweep once claimed
To have swept for big stars, and he named
The first one he found
Passed out on the ground
'Oh look, the sky is falling!' he claimed.

Mother Goose had a terrible mess
the jelly boiled over, I guess.
With a splash and a splutter
I hear Ma G. mutter
"Twas the monster, the one from Loch Ness.

A simple young chap from Melbourne
who wasn't considered well born
went fishing one night
And hadn't a bite
So he dined at the Matterhorn.

A young man wrote with distinction,
about the dinosaurs extinction
from meteorite showers
or wierd alien powers
but none of it made a clear linction

If only I had a rich uncle
He'd give me a lovely carbuncle
But my uncle is broke
The stinking old bloke
So I'm stuck with this abscessed knuckle.

My putrid carbuncle has popped
And its gunk cannot be stopped
It's gushing like larva
I'm ready to barf up
my poor head will have to be mopped.

A young madam of shady background
said, "Why should my credit rebound?"
the johns pay as they go
it shouldn't be so
the banking world doth me astound

A colourful writer named Maurice
went skating with someone called Boris
who said, "can you dance Morris ?"
"I was once in the chorus."
The 2 Worded review was Boo, Hiss.

A strapping young lad from Tibet
Brought a sex-starved bohemian to bed
"You want bottom or top?"
"Why, you silly young fop!
You can't tell my feet from my head !"

A jubilant peddler or juices
Pumped juice out of fifteen large mooses
But one got a flat
And one was too fat
The peddler should have switched to gooses.

A jubilant peddler or juices
Pumped juice out of fifteen large mooses
But one got a flat
And one was too fat
But the last one sang like Caruso

Tolstoy once tried to play Cupid
With a countess and a large quadruped,
His arrow was ready
But his hand was unsteady
"Ow!" screamed the countess, "how stupid!"

How little we know about rattlesnakes,
For example, we don't know how long it takes
To don its sweater
the one with the letter
That shakes as it rattles and quakes.

A vulgar young vicar named Victor
Went up to a lady and kicked her
She said, "See here, sir,
I beg to demur!
At which he vulgarly licked her.

A toothsome mechanic from Brighton
Could only have sex with the light on
With floodlights galore
His albino whore
had her standards of joy heightened

A lowly Beagle wins Westminster
Which offended the French Poodle's spinster
said she, "This is absurd!"
Laid a delicate turd,
Then woke up when somebody pinched 'er.

Can anyone please explain
Just why we feel such pain
Blame it on nerves
And voluptuous curves
and that damn song "You're So Vain"

As the sun sank slowly in the West
Mary Lou turned to Willie and confessed
I have a serious STD
And you've caught it from me,
And Willie said, I'll be God-...blessed!

A serious student of Chaucer
Claimed he spotted a flying saucer
On board was a squire
And a nun, in a choir,
And the Wife of Bath, all getting crosser.

There once was a two-headed dragon
who tried to quaff ale from a flagon.
He spent the whole night
In a bid to get tight.
One head hiccupped. The other was saggin'.

In a tavern called One for the Road
A frog was approached by a toad
'If you kiss me tonight,
And again by daylight
I'll reward you with sex à la mode."

Give a cheer for St. Valentine's Day
When we say what they tell us to say
While sentiments true
In rosy red hue
they hang limp at the end like wet hay.

There once was a porcupine in love
Whose libido was confined to a glove
his quills bent aside
on a wild erotic ride
Unexpectedly distracted by a dove

A bad-smelling worker in nylon
Was crushed by a falling pylon
'What rotten luck!' he proclaimed
As his jewel box was maimed
And he fell down and moaned right on my lawn.

There was a young cowboy from Dallas,
So rich that he lived in a palace.
His bed was cowhide
And awesomely wide:
There he listened to Maria Callas!

When eating a dubious apple
It's best to combine it with scrapple
then unlike poor Snow White
you won't get a fright
And end up feeling like crapple.

There once was a writer who tried
To return to life once he'd died
But his publisher said
"It's better you're dead."
This way your books are glorified

Pity today's frequent flier
to join the club a 'Mile Higher'
takes more than mere flying,
protection they're buying
from something or somebody dire.

A man in a ten-gallon hat
Played ball with a really big bat
Which excited the girls
With fly-away curls
And they went to his room at the frat.


02-17-2008, 03:36 PM
Got to 120ish and was laughing so hard I hurt myself.

Well done! Hope you're over the flu!

02-17-2008, 04:31 PM
Hope you recover from the 'flu, Pthom, but glad it led to such a wonderful post! Many thanks for such great entertainment!

02-27-2008, 04:55 AM
Hey Peter! Hope you're doing better. These are great! I was thinking... Mac might take a consensus... see about publishing The Absolute Writer's Book of Limericks, or something along those lines, proceeds going to upkeep, etc. It would be a sure hit.

02-28-2008, 01:01 AM
Once upon a_time, there lived_a teeny tiny_mouse in a_doll house, and_she had a_month to live._She decided to_sneak out of_her doll house_and visit her_two long lost_aunts across the_wide Pacific Ocean._She donned a_red checked cape_and packed her_lunch box with_four miniature sandwiches_all neatly wrapped_in willow leaves._Then she began_a paw-written note_to bid farewell_and leave instructions_for the care_and feeding of_her six little_bonsai trees.

With_excitement she trod_through the dark_taking care to_not wake up_her landlord, who_slept in the_walnut shell beneath_a walnut tree._SMACK! she collided_with a big_papaya. Her tail_curled reflexively around_the stem.

“Hey_I can use_my big knife_to carve a_walnut boat for_crossing the River_of Dreams when_my crushed leg_keeps me from_hopping,” she said.

Though the papaya_now had jarred_the sandwich fillings_and pumpernickel slices_out of alignment,_she kept on_her path, glancing_occasionally behind herself_to make certain_her shadow still_belonged to her_(for, you see,_sometimes her shadow_had a mind_of its own)._Her shadow waved_merrily, every time_the wicked sugarplum_fairy had indigestion._Then it would_be upon her_like a crazed_mome rath outgrabing.

Nevertheless, she managed_to cross the_vast magic ocean_free of any_fettering responsibilities or_Catholic mouse guilt._So she sailed_in her walnut_boat across the_Pacific, to the_wide world, a-waiting.

After many moons,_she finally reached_China, the mystical_land of the_Lilliputs and Brobdignags,_having traveled swiftly_over omnipotent mountains._Wide rivers spanned_catching a lift_on a magical_seagull with a_minor infestation of_fleas. Her life_wasn’t real. It_was a television_series starring Al_Einstein as a_chipmunk king with_bug eyes. She_wanted to live,_not be a_dead mouse soon._Surrounded by cockroaches,_who worshipped her_like the insane_worship their many_colonies everywhere do,_she danced as_the floor opened.

She tumbled down_into an abyss,_sandwiches flying everywhere,_She grabbed hold_of a ginseng_root protruding from_somewhere, and, gasping,_she shook her_tail. She looked_toward the light_below her, and_her little mind_expanded, Castenada-style.

“Oh!” She marveled,_the glowing cavern_awash with colors,_waterfalls and lush_garden vegetables and_giant spiders with_wings of flame._A fairy hovered_above the three-headed_cauliflower that occupied_a prominent place_near the entrance._

The cauliflower said,_”Renewing your life_by Anthony Robbins_is what you_need to find”_to stay alive.

So she borrowed_a magic carpet_made of sunflower_shaped pieces of_dried kiwi, hemp,_and old linoleum,_weaved together like_a cheap wig._She waved cheerily_at the Cheerios_that danced through_the milky lake_trailing sugary spirals_with infinite grace,_amid bobbing strawberries.

Then, a cow_named Gloria appeared_from the sky_wearing a garland_of dried punctuation,_mostly em-dashes and_chartreuse question marks.

Quoth the cow, “Bovine is beautiful_not exclamation marks,_So there!”

Suddenly_her magic carpet_spoke up: “Did_the Lakers win?_Wait, wrong Question...”

Without warning, fifty_blaring trumpets appeared_on the stage_playing Swing low_and soft on_eating beans to [here, the novel went on hiatus from March 14, 2005 until December 27, 2007, when it was resumed by HeronW] the rhythm of_the Star-Spangled_wooly bear caterpillar_a capella with_a gargling sound_it went down_well with rappers_thumping with bass_and the sound_of heavy metal.

Miss Mouse was_able to visualise_on feeding her_small hungy baby._Suddenly, she remembered_her neighbor who_gave her millions_of dollars to_raise hungry puppies.

But she lied._She always lied._Except for once,_when she was_high on catnip_rolling around on_in poison ivy._

She took her_loaded AK-47 and_blasted tree trunks_enraging homeless chipmunks_to picket against_AK47-toting mouse psychopaths_who indiscriminately blow_balloons at parties_for schizoprenic warthogs_Who then played_truth or dare.

A naked man_felt for his_clothes that were_stashed in a_Campbell soup can_but was horrified_at the thought_that he might_smell like chicken_or clam chowder._Groping furtively, he_found his glasses_but they were_missing the lenses_which made them_fashionable but useless.

So, pocketing his_frames, he stumbled_blearily out of_the deserted ballroom,_searching now for_his wallet that_he remembered having_left in his_lime green Lamborghini_that his boyfriend_had parked nearby.

A no-parking ticket_was stuck on_the windshield and_the metre maid_was still dancing_a jig with_astonishing grace. He_just had to_ask her out._So, smiling sweetly_he remembered that_his breathe smelled_like flatulent maggots_having eaten cabbage_expired since 1967.

Just then, he_remembered he had_smuggled into his_bed, a crocodile_plush toy that_squeaked when you_hugged it tight._Being made of_mice sewn together_with elf thread_his little plushie_started to explain_in a hesitant_quavery whisper that_indicated his unintentional_distraught emotional state_that he had_induced with mojitos._Whereupon, sneezing violently,_and dislodging the_snowman patriotic furnace_blocking the stairwell_keeping the dragon_in case of_emergency.

What kind_of food, does_he eat anyway?_Foodies were aghast.

Then, suddenly a_magic fairy appeared_with a large_black machine gun_loaded with dust_and cat hair._The machine was_aimed at the_fairy's purple boots_which twinkled with_sequins, stardust and_plastic rhimestones with_vaporized demon dust_and fruit particles.

Dazzled by the_obnoxious odor of_fetid tadpole stew_he rushed to_throw up in_Oneblindmouse's Prada handbag_which was hanging_on the antenna_pointing at a_sign that said_"Welcome to my_home for unwed_unloved pelicans who_have fish breath."

Unable to remember_where he placed_his enebriated ferret_he called his_little conscious, it_tottered over, sh*tfaced_and cried out,_"Stupid anatomical Barbie!"

The doll replied,_"Not that anatomical,"_and poked him_hard in the_eye. Then it_calculated his bill_with a precision_that scared accountants_until their last_and best known_abacus tester. Finally_diving deep into_plaid taffeta underdrawers_it perceived that_a teeny tiny_mouse reading, Renewing_her vow to_never speak Cat_except when depressed._then speak with_her therapist. She_always complained about_the dirt on_her new Ferrari_she told her_lick it off!_But being allergic_she sandblasted it_instead. Now that_it is finished,_purple prose rules_do not apply.

So the little_elderly pinstriped spider_ate a giant_cocoanut truffle jellybean_in one gulp._Gasping for breath_she belched heroically_in the quicksand_flailing, squirming and_enjoying herself thoroughly.

Along came a_raunchy old sailor_with a peg_leg and hook_nose. He wore_very little, but_a furry loincloth_attractively decorated with_Pez candy dispensors,_some of them_stared blankly at_his parrot named_Paulinus Poindexter Puffbutt.

Meanwhile, the spider_spun its nasty_but effective web_into the shape_of a biscuit_with apple butter_and blackberry jam._Giant water scorpions_brought mousetraps and_peanut butter to_the huge starship_where they slid_through the airlock_and into the_jaws of the_giant purple clam._Along came a_scary, evil kitten_who was particularly_well coiffed and_cuddly, which was_not the usual_look for a_calico Machiavellian kitten_eating a peanut_and fluffernutter sandwich_that was bigger_than her head._Suddenly she sneezed_as the dragon_reached out its_huge taloned claw_toward the unsuspecting_elves in the_forest. The elves_grabbed each others_pointed left ear_and yanked hard._This caused their_noses to fall_down to their_hairy cleft chins,_inconvenient though that_seems, it's actually_quite pleasant to_whistle past your_cold pale ears_and long nose._Once the evil_kitten attacked the_terrified gibbering enemy,_it fled into_an unknown abyss.

In the dark_an old man_cackled maniacally. He_wore blue boxers_and yellow socks.

He said, "I_want new socks_with sparkles and_a hole for_my big toe._It throbbed horribly_turning neon red_when I went_to kick the_shiny sniper rifle_in the corner."

This story is_without a doubt_publishable by PublishAmerica._Royalties poured in_slowly. Three cents_for every other_word and $.02_for smilie faces._Not too bad,_for a bunch_of randomness.

I_'m a writer!_I shot a_glance at the_man in black,_leaning on a_statue of the_great goblin of_galoshes and grommets._I killed the_spider with big_legs. Rocket launchers_abound! They are_very cool. Monsters_ate my baby._Shoes, that is._Shoes and babies_go hand in_claw with monsters_who are really_AW members incognito._Because incognito is_unpublished writer. He_wears a fake_face that looks_really really fake,_what with its_big moustache and_pouting, Betty Boop_lips of red.

A contest was_not started because_someone forgot the_ductape and sharp_brie. I ate_all of the writers_one at a_time. I am_bigger and badder_and cooler with_these funky moves_but somehow I_was a movie_or at least_thought that I_jumped large buildings_and tripped off_and slept with_the fishes.

Suddenly_a tired cliche_was born. It_multiplied and grew_into such excitement_that the Mythbusters_did an expose_with color photos_and pie charts.

This demonstrated resourcefulness_and questionable taste_that was rather_dubious at best,_but nonetheless, it_showed that cheese_is useful for_making movies. The_cheesiest movies tasted_oddly like old_dirty socks that_stewed for days_in toe jam.

Without further ado_here is the_evil bunny's vicious_brother. Holy hand_shake, it's the_Dark Lord of_sticky navel lint.

Bow down! We_cats paw keyboards_while our humans_think they rule_us. The opposite_isn't quite true_except on Tuesdays._In any case,_the world is_best if kept_unfolding despite resistance_from the lemmings_who follow only_their tiny noses_as a means_of coping. Tragically_shapeshifters hunted them_ravenously, not at_all like honest_people would do._So they ran_into brick walls_making little splats_until the werewolves_arrived for dinner_with ravenous appetites.

"What, no silverware!?"_was heard 'round_only one tree_in the Fall.

However, the spring_brought another issue._The mouse who_roared at the_deadly mutant thing_slithering up the_old mill wall_decided to return_to springtime by_by springing along_the hill. When_it stopped springing,_it grew tired_of all that_jazz.

"You know,"_she said to herself,_"This spring fever_makes me feel_hot and bothered._I want some_very hot and_peppery chocolate to_rub on my_nose, which will_turn plaid and_then paisley too."

It swelled up_bigger than a_stuffed turkey on_Hanukah. Except that_it wasn't Kosher_, the turkey had_a very wet_consistency that looked_like moldy pate_. However, it tasted_like chicken. I_would have sworn_for her dear_old widowed schnauzer_, I mean Collie_, melon collie baby_I hear voices.

Spirits are communicating_with fog horns_for hearing-impaired_children, but they_are children of_the damned. Oh_I mean politicians._And the politicians_are also blind_and easily led_by self interested_interns and lobbyists_who fritter away_our hopes and_their money on_orange mocha frappucinos.

While devouring their_warm and sweet_yet coldly sour_coffee and crumpets,_that tasted oddly_like mouse turds_which came from_a suspicious bakery_called Doobs. They_ate my stomach.

Without digestive capabilities_it's really hard_to enjoy a_good pastrami sandwich_with dill pickles._There's nothing like_chocolate chips and_fluffy peanut butter_stuck to the_roof of my_house. It slides_off in warm_globs of putrid_wind blowing everything_like fallen leaves_onto my shoes.

My name is_written on a_square of toilet paper_that is more_than one ply_but less than_the thickness of_really dirty fingers_after they have_probed forbidden orifices._BIG FREAKING BAZOOKAS_belonging to my_morose white rabbit_disturb my dreams.

Jenan's rabbit often_scares the skin_off unsuspecting coyotes_and becomes stormy_with fur flying_all over a_baked potato with_bacon and sour_fish on top.

Meanwhile, in Chattanooga,_the Choo Choo_went off the_cliff on top_of ice cream_covered with cheese._But then the_ironmonger sung a_tone deaf tune._A loon answered_in Latin but_hiccuped and hiccuped_until it sounded_like a broken_can of worms_with excessive gas_and poison dust.

In the sky_a ship sailed_and sailed and_dropped really fast_in a pile_of schnapps bottles._It was a_a drunken boat_filled with drunk_mackerals and squid_that stunk like_yesterdays dirty socks_worn for fifty_consecutive days. But_the day dawned_dark and stormy_with hints of_hail and snow,_cats and dogs_and tractors, farmers_smelling like manure.

Turnips plotted revenge_whilst the cabbages_and other small_angry looking bunnies_eyed the cabbages_and smacked their_leafy butts hard_testing their ripeness.

The cabbages protested_saying "we're unripe"_and totally green,_'Leaf us alone!'_they sobbed.

Nonetheless,_they were brutally_ignored to death._Little did they_know that ambidextrous_disposable green-eyed doodlebugs_was double-jointed and_had large pimples_incapable of bending_its forehead and_waggled menacing eyebrows.

"Oops", she said_as her fangs_grew out of_each ear which_mutated into potatoes_waving gently together_in mashed harmony_lackadaisically hash browned_with dried onions_sprinkled with pepper.

The evil bunny_grinned a sinister_evil maniac grin_and ordered a_plate full of_gready, grimy, gopher_poop. It was_not quite what_the chef intended_to serve with_German chocolate cake_and hot milk.

Meanwhile, back at_the Ottawa National_Shovel Convention,_there was a_storm brewing that_would frighten Patton_he feared rain_and his own_mother. She didn't_provide him with_pet food for_his empty intestines_just dishwater and_some muddy boots.

Meanwhile, back at_the Phoenician Spa_where everything was_not going well_a nailfile exploded_hurling deadly cuticles_into unsuspecting kneecaps_and waxed legs_which left unsightly_varicose veins attractive_to inebriated Phoenicians.

"Is today Thursday?"_asked the receptionist_before turning around_to see what_drunken wobbly Phoenician_had fallen into_the coffee urn_seeking grounds for_irreconcilable differences and_possibly a nice_magnanimous settlement offer_or a wart_in their coffee.

Meanwhile, Auntie Em_flew around the_Lockheed-Martin offices_looking for her_tornado warning system_that was stuck_in the underground_railroad. But then_just as she_straightened her skirt_and shed stockings_a button flew_on her head_through a window_into a snail_with a huge_shoe on its_single foot.

"Crikey!_I have no_insurance for snails!"

Insurance papers quickly_arrived from Allstate_and from every_corner of the_contiguous forty-some states_for free scrapple_and tree bark_with rancid cheese_and a gecko_who did commercials_and an autobiography_on life and_the meaning of_Peace and Love.

The snail, who_moved faster than_a geriatric slug_screamed in pain_under the shoe_that smashed the_living daylights out_of someone's car_in the middle_of a dirt_of sinking quicksand_that made no_sucking, oozing sound_since no one_actually heard it._They were too_far away and_yet very close_but their hearing_was slightly impaired.

Mice in tuxedos_sniffed around the_rim of the_basketball hoop inside_the tuxedos' pockets_and found some_pieces of lint_with beer all_fuzzy and malty_choked in mold_covered cheese. The_mice grew inebriated_chasing their tails_and laughing about_the overweight cat_and drunken large_toothless old dog_gumming on rawhide_swallowing bone supplements_and not flossing._His doggie dentist_charged too much_for a psychologist_especially since he_was an astronaut.

But that wasn't_the only issue;_not by far!_With supernatural powers_the ill-favored mutt_unleashed killer fleas_who fell off_like synchronized swimmers_in a tub_full of bubbles_from champagne that_fizzed and sputtered_trying to enunciate_the Gettysburg address_in Mandarin. So_they changed into_silk red robes_while walking through_a meteor shower_that bounced and_covered three countries_from Mars to_infinity and beyond.

Meanwhile,back at_Moe's Bar the_piano player played_with Moe's wife_caressing her ivories_striking her chords_climaxing in concerto,_a wrong note_as Moe entered_slingshot ready. Suddenly_the pianist fell_off his rocker_on a cat_who clawed his_face to ribbons_making macrame hangers_in psychedelic colors_to be displayed_in the windows_with Moe's hair_lit on fire_under marshmallow smores_but, Moe's bald_cat would not_move an inch_or even a_millimeter if dogs_had access to_chainguns. Luckily, Moe_had his business_well in hand. Moe,_the wretched Being,_crapped his drawers.

"I don't care",_Mr. Deadly said_

03-29-2008, 01:54 AM
An embarrassing number of those limericks have lines by some elf-impostor-woman named *cough* Yeshanu. Thanks for compiling, Peter. And tell me, is there any Guinness Book of World Records record we might have broken? :D

12-14-2012, 09:59 PM
I am SO glad you did this! There are some seriously amazing and well done lines! All the more hilarious knowing how we pieced them together blindly.

12-15-2012, 12:53 PM
Yeah, and it's coming around time to do it again...will do so, once I get a few spare hours.

02-09-2013, 02:12 AM
[... continued.]
[Note, no changes to correct or adjust the completed limericks have been made here. They appear just as they do in their original form.]1411
A nasty old lech from Zagreb
never got valentines in Feb.
He oft wondered why,
'cos his earnings were high,
but ladies still spurned the old neb.

There was an eclipse of the moon
Beneath which two lovers did swoon
Alone in the dark,
And both naked -stark,
They enjoyed a concerto, bassoon.

Once a writer sat at her computer,
Checked the points supposed to repute her
she counted, too low!
The points do not show
cuz she wouldn't tell Mouse she was cuter!

Once a writer sat at her computer,
Checked the points supposed to repute her
she counted, too low!
The points do not show
Her joie-de-vivre, which did re-suffuse her

A sneaky shop-keeper from Adelaide
Mixed vodka and gin in his lemonade
Chin, chin, all, said he
Gosh, I gotta' pee
Otherwise I cannot get laid.

There once was a virgin in Hollywood,
Cast in a film shot in Bollywood
She was promptly deflowered
with coins she was showered
But she knew the whole thing was Follywood.

There once was a man from Vancouver
Who vacuumed his house with a hoover
Then his dog disappeared;
It was worse than he feared:
The dog, he was Shaker, not mover!

There once was a furniture salesman
Who thought he'd earn more as a bailsman.
He hung out his shingle,
His senses a-tingle
And now he gets cons out of jails, man.

A boy with a pet allosaurus
Had a fondness for Roget's Thesaurus.
His reptilian playfellow
Not nearly so mellow
Lost a fight with a tyrranasaus.

Osama escaped in a burkha
But soon was detained by a Ghurka
Who questioned old Bin
About Cardinal Sin
While threatening to shoot the foul lurker

A hump-backed Mongolian camel,
an exceptionally diligent mammal,
he drinks once a year
but insists on draught beer
it can't damage his tooth enamel.

There once was a lass from Shanghai
who married a lad from Chang Mai
Who loved kicking the gong
By a dry billabong
It rhymes but it's all a dang lie

There once was this chap from Duluth
Who walked around saying "Forsooth"
and "varlet" and "thou"
and "How now, brown cow?"
"Pray thee beast, do udder the truth."

There was a cat who'd lived nine lives
what's more he had ninety-plus wives.
Each one had ten kittens
Each of whom had 4 mittens
And all of whom broke out in hives.

The night was incredibly dark
and cats were afoot in the park
Some ghouls were out howling
And hound dogs were growling
While peeing and leaving their mark.

The night was incredibly dark
and cats were afoot in the park
Some ghouls were out howling
And hound dogs were growling
One let out a spine-chilling bark

I'm wasting my time on this thread
I'll regret it when I'm good and dead
But meanwhile it's fun
And does make the brain run
And it gives me some game-forum cred.

There once was a barber from Philly
Who shaved and sheared, willy-nilly
With his razor and strop
Some ears he did lop
But never did sever a willy!

A writer who finished her book
Had food for thought ready to cook
I seasoned the grammar
With Emeril's bammer
Without even taking a look.

A dangerous weasel in Kent
Hired a willing maiden for rent
But rumours did spread;
Her talent in bed,
Guaranteed it was time well spent

A fox wished to restore his good name
By saying he'd given up game
"I eat strictly vegan,
but am not a heathen
I believe wild turnips are still game."

Dr Dolittle's Pushme-Pullyou
Annoyed a respectable gnu
The gnu said, "Which end
is more willing to bend?
and extend ? I have something for you !"

A half-crazed young monk in a temple
Sat contemplating his dimple
When some incense he smelt
caused cravings for kelp
And a middle-aged nun in a wimple.

A thoughtful, thin plumber from Darwin
Missed lunch and was utterly starvin
But craved spuds and sourdough
to a pub he did go
and cadged a beer off his best friend, Marvin.

There once was a candidate for President,
Whose speechers were not what (s) he meant.
His rousing orations,
hid sly connotations
About the current White House resident.

A novelist, playwright and hack,
was really no good in the sack
He failed with viagra
From London to Agra
And could not even have a good whack.

A sly Bedouin from Sinai
tried out for the fighting Illini,
With his camel and knife
He caused mayhem and strife
leaving vulture food on the fly.

A fandango dancer named Frances
Renowned for her pirouettes and prances
she spun and she twirled
while her clothes all unfurled
Causing plenty of lecherous glances.

A Martian crash landed at Roswell
Along with a burning gauze smell
He pulled out a pistol
Made of alien crystal
Saying, "Put this in your diary, Mr. Boswell."

Once a young senator from Chicago,
On a cosmic ride saw his star glow
On his way to White House,
He cheated on his spouse
In the limo, with Delores del Lago.

Some writers were out one night drinking,
When one of them said, "Guys, I'm thinking...
the more that I drink,
the less my books stink
I'm thinking more drinking, less stinking."

The President's approval rating,
Is full of holes, just like a grating.
But his followers claim
He's on top of his game
That's why there's war and more hating.

In November the people will cheer
the candidates are promising free beer
As we trudge to the polls,
We look into our souls
And find that they're stiffened by fear.

A grumpy old ghost named Jack
was really just a big hack
He wrote pulp horror
about an ore bore
And no editor ever wrote back

An author and editor wed
but in their nuptial bed
the comic book art
showed a putrid fart
and both of their careers went dead.

When perusing your thesauruses
For tyrannosaureses
Shun the archaic
even old Hebraic
And Cretan wild minotaureses.

A horny old worshiper of Ishtar
took a prank a little too far
He worshipped Her greatly,
a Jonnie come lately . . . . . . . . ."Johnny," maybe?
Went to hell in Gilgamesh's car.

There once was a lassie from Glasgow
Who had a single thick eyebrow
That wiggled and wormed
and squiggled and squirmed
Like a pretty boy stuck in the hoosegow.

A gaucho who loved Florianópolis
said, "I'll never leave this great metropolis
The women are gorgeous,
they make me engorgeous,
They call me their Petite Hippopotamus

Starbuck's just opened in Korea,
right next to a pizzeria
At ten dollars a cup
they never queue up
The combo might cause diarrhea.

There once was an internet forum,
Called AWland where writers perfor-umed
With questions and comments
gramatical garments
An unimpechable decorum.

A dancer in old Santa Fe
terara boom de ayed all day
to old be-bop tunes
Among Hopi ruins
From Jan-u-a-ry through to May

A hostile invader from Mars
Had a passion for Cuban cigars
Now Raúl is in charge
Of all those cigars
And all the fierce rum in the bars.

A brow-beaten housewife in Kent
Dumped her spouse in the River Trent
Then hopped in her car
and drove to the bar,
And made sure all his money got spent.

A shady young fellow called Hal,
a robot, computer and pal,
while romping in space
tried saving his face
but lost to a brass-bodied gal.

A robot sat very confused
Just which battery should he choose?
a 9 volt or a D?
AAA or plain C?
Or the cord hanging from his caboose?

A long-legged ostrich named Sally
Was walking home through a dark alley
She encountered a mugger
Who only wanted to hug her
but she never was one to dally.

A handsome three-headed galoot
Could turn from a prince to a brute
a singular cad
both good and bad
And he played fabulously on the lute.

Casanova's best night in Venice
Was scoring six love in tennis
he made such a racket
unzipping his jacket
they soon called old Casa a menace.

There once was a writer named Nymtoc
Who challenged a muscular gym jock
A jab with mere words
made him food for birds
Now the dude is a torn-limb-from-limb jock.

Some rhymesters who use others' names
May not be successful with dames.
Using a nom de plume
And humming Claire de Lune
Theft is their only claim to fame

Two young lovers named Fire and Ice
Met two others called Sugar and Spice
Up on Lover's Leap
They all groped in a heap,
And experienced all manners of vice.

A grumpy curmudgeon from Philly
decided critique groups were silly
he refused to play
or even to say
cuz he'd rather be strokin' his willy.

A poet who penned dreadful verse
Was struck by a terrible curse
Whatever he rhymed
in pentameter timed,
Would need to be coaxed and coerced.

A poet who penned dreadful verse
Was struck by a terrible curse
Whatever he rhymed
in pentameter timed,
Just kept getting gradually worse.

His friends thought him ever so wise
your great words have opened our eyes!
He is a liar and a cheat,
Which is no small feat
from his sales, one can clearly surmise.

A happy young dodo named Hugh
Got high on a large pot of glue
he sniffed and he snorked
(some would say he was 'sporked')
I'd say he was dumb. Wouldn't you?

There once was a girl from Dubuque
Who won American Idol on a fluke
When Paula and Simon
applauded her rhymin'
The FCC issued a strong rebuke.

A cobbler named Hugh went to Canturbury
With a bear that was exceedingly furry
"This is my new wife
Whom I wed for this life
and I want out of it in a hurry."

A wily old Scotsman named McDuf
was dour, grumpy and gruff
from the stale green ale
he drank from a pail
till he'd nap and sleep it all off.

When the Irish come visit the Scots
The whiskey is brought out in pots
The contest is vicious
and the haggis delicious
the participents pass out in lots.

When storming the castle McDougall
The invaders decided to google
But without their WiFi
the Scotsmen were hog-tied
They lost because they were too frugal.

There once was an internet guru,
who went by "Lieutenant Uhuru,"
A mouse at his finger,
All day he would linger
all the while singing, "Cucuru."

One week on American Idol,
the youngest singer sang with such style
the judges just cheered
Wondering how she'd been reared
Made Paula down one more Midol

A speech writer could not decide
To lambast or just to deride
she scribbled and sighed,
and finally lied,
And rambled with words that were snide.

A surgeon from old Mandalay
Was sharpening his knives one fine day
he prepared to chop
Hack, slit and crop
Not wanting the patient to slay.

On Sunday we go to the polls
To vote for the hairy old trolls.
The experts predict
we're sure to evict
and be left with nothing but holes.

The candidate tried to impress
By putting on Hillary's dress,
But voters just giggled
While Hillary wriggled
In a palpable state of distress

Australia has leaders afresh
Who wish to untangle the mesh
But the proof of the pudding
Is who did the hooding?
And who will want their pound of flesh?

Young Violet was fond of gardenias
Though she didn't much care for seniors
The problem with geezers
Is that they're all wheezers
And have opinions that often demean yours

A fish is an awful good swimmer
Despite having brains so much dimmer
He gets stuffed to the gills
But no thanks and no frills
He's no use but to kill and to simmer.

I thought I heard a nightingale,
But I know sometimes my ears can fail,
I hear birds in my head
chirping when I'm in bed
Or is it my wife wagging her tail?

There once was a lurker of threads
Whose hair was Medusa-like dreads
To look at her eyes
Amidst all the flies
Would make all your writings get read.

A writer from ol' Nantucket
Kept her MS in a bucket,
She said with a grin
"I just soak it in gin
If it don't get read, then f**k it!"

A poet who wrote verse in blood
O'er the eyes of an errant spud
Fell in love with a pea
But dumped him for me
And then wrote you're a bit of a dud.

A vendor of noodles, Liu Feng
Liked eating them dipped in ginseng
She added Tofu
Which made them turn blue
which then caused both her ears to ring.

A hustler of ladies called the Klonk,
would play them some David Van Ronk,
he promised their pay
For one little lay
It turned to a non-ending bonk.

A woman tripped into a grave,
Whilst seeing the sights in Belgrave
She fell on a skull,
Cried, "This town ain't dull !"
Climbed out, wandered off feeling brave.

"We really should not meet like this,"
said she, as she gave her a kiss,
My husband's so plebian,
But I'm now a lesbian
And as for guys, I'll take a Miss"

A girl with a preference for whips
Was known for her ruby-red lips
She smacked 'em and more
Like a Jolie-clone whore
And blistered their naughty bad hips.

A writer who thought he was God
was bothered when told that was odd
Once published by PA
They'd all rue the day
He smote them with whip and with rod.

There once was a Wyoming democrat,
Whose son was an unflinching plutocrat.
One voted Republican,
but Ron Paul didn't win,
now he rides the range with Barack

A blue norther struck Hawaii
predicted by a genius from M.I.T.
While volcanoes erupted,
his thesis interrupted,
He cried, "Oh," also "U, A, and I-E."

There once were some procrastinators
Who happened to be gladiators,
They always delayed,
before they got slayed,
With hopes that the blows would abate

A ginger haired teacher from Hobart
made one dainty blueberry tart
to nibble in class
while drinking a glass
of hemlock, all crude things to part

A tall, dipsy seamstress from Darwin,
With long pointy ears like fair Arwen,
Was feeling down under,
Her senses a-wonder
She wandered so near and so far-win.

These rhymes and these meters both suck,
But I really just don't give a pluck
just type anything
and make something up if you're stuck.

Yea! The red-winged blackbirds are back!
I will hang them all up with thumbtacks!
Or baked in a pie,
With a crust made of rye,
And a smidgeon of gut German Zweiback.

A lonely old Templar in France
went crusading without any pants
Free to roam as he pleased
He tempted and teased
he ended as dinner for ants.

A boisterous young nun from Cathay
made a road trip to old Mandalay
driving all hell for leather
To a man who would bed her
She said, "Man, come do me today!"

A boisterous young nun from Cathay
made a road trip to old Mandalay
driving all hell for leather
To a man who would bed her
for a one night roll in the hay.

Up north where the grizzly bears live,
I captured a trout in a sieve.
But the fish got away
Singing "Hey diddly day!"
Not a care nor a damn did it give.

One Monday while typing these words
I was attacked by flocks of wild birds
"My God, I've been Hitchcocked!
And my guns are all flintlocks!"
And they pecked down my story two-thirds.

I have a friend named Bobby McGee
Who had an affair with Nanny McPhee
But their love didn't last
With his staff at half mast
And the fact that he just couldn't pee.

Some of these verses are sh*te!
The rest of them aren't quite right,
But some people skip'em
And some people flip 'em
And some verses shine a bright light.

My friend has a fondness for cows,
and his favorite pair of sows,
though he may be eccentric,
Obtuse and pedantic
Animals love his polyphonic prose.

I almost forgot to begin this verse,
Because I was riding in a hearse.
'Twas me in the coffin,
With another old boffin
Who had expressed interest in exploring my.... purse.

I found my shoe upon my head,
when I woke up this morn in bed,
my hat on my toes,
my sock on my nose,
And the rest on Uncle Ted!

I wish I had never got up
As now I must clean up the pup.
He's covered in poop
At least a full scoop,
now where is that measuring cup?

I'm writing this while I'm at work
With a boss who's a terrible jerk
He's reading this verse
While mouthing a curse
And sharpening a knife with a smirk.

If life were fair we would play all day
While squand'ring our youth all away
Without a single care
Like a dancing bear
Only lighter and somewhat fey.

There once was a raven of malice
Who stood on E.A. Poe's chalice
Looking dour and dark
And emulating Miss Snark
But nothing at all like dear Alice.

It really is time for some sleep.
so I'm off to counting the sheep
though my stomach does ache
I'm afraid I shan't wake
To pictures of Little Bo Peep!

A skillful designer of shoes,
Couldn't believe the good news,
better than Prada,
and made in Granada,
Two shoes that youse just can't refuse.

This limerick thing is addictive
Though some of the rhymes are conflictive
Some can be nasty
While others are ghastly
Still others are wise and reflective.

To think in verse is a maddening
Complaint, and also quite saddening
For each little rhyme
Can be a small crime
For which the grammar police will set up a sting.

If you ask me which witch is which,
I'll tell you to go scratch an itch
I hate you so much,
you’re so hairy and butch
And you think of nothing but glitz.

While trying to think of a verse
she happened to think of a curse
'Oh &#%$@£*s!' she swore.
I can't think of more
Without it getting much worse.

While trying to think of a verse
she happened to think of a curse
'Oh &#%$@£*s!' she swore.
I can't think of more
What about *£$%&& and @£**? - they're much worse

One fine sunny day in Peru,
I happened to run into you,
I flattened your face,
To give you more space,
While greatly improving the view.

A thoughtful young lady in Greece
remembering the golden fleece
set off in pursuit
Of Queen Hatsheput,
But only ran into her niece.

A sceptical writer one day,
In Hawai'i examined her lei,
Old, fat, and round,
Mentally unsound,
"It's fake!" was all she could say.

A governor from old New York
Got busted for being a dork
he tipped the wrong tart,
and now he must part,
and stifle his lust with a cork.

A flippant young man from Melbourne
Danced while playing the French horn,
With movements eclectic,
He found it too hectic,
and on him the critics heaped scorn.

A fey maiden from Kalamazoo,
Stepped in a pile of poo
As she wiped it away
she heard a voice say
Do you want to play my kazoo?

There once was a brain in a jar
That thought of driving a car
While lacking in hands,
It still understands,
Teleportation will take one far.

Osama escaped wearing a burkha,
accompanied by none but his gurkha,
They fled to Tashkent,
skipped out on the rent,
And watched a silent movie starring Blanche Yurka.

An astronaut had diarrhea,
While flying over North Korea,
So, losing his load,
And about to explode,
He gaily called out, "Good to see ya!"

It's depressing, reading the news,
especially wearing tight shoes,
If I loosen my laces,
And walk twenty paces,
I've through with feeling the blues

I saw a young lady from Devon,
In fact, I actually saw seven,
They were quite petite,
Standing at three feet,
waiting to see Ocean's Eleven.

This season on American Idol,
I wish they'd be wiped by a wave tidal,
Or a nice tsunami,
Or a big fat salami,
or rope Simon and throw on a bridle.

There once was a vicar from Bristol
With a passion for Waterford crystal
He would sit and admire
a piece, all a-fire
Then SMASH it to bits with his pistol.

Glub glub!’ he exclaimed as he floundered
And "Gadzooks!" said he as he zoundered
"The waters are rising!
from what I'm surmising,
I am very soon to be drowndered"

Three strippers, two nuns and a chicken
Went into town for a lickin'
at an icecream shoppe
They ordered some gloppe
which still to their ribs is a stickin'.

A voluptuous widow from Parma,
was obsessed with improving her kharma.
While reading the Reg Vida,
which aroused her libida,
She woke up sore in Max Pharma.

While browsing the forums at AW,
newbies say, "I hate to trouble you,
but how do you write?
all day or at night?
Should I use one space or do you think a double-do?

This morning while reading the news
I shuddered and reached for some booze
The scandal was awful
Not moral nor lawful
But that babe sure lit Spitzer's fuse.

A gaucho in Argentina named Horst
Revealing his Nazi past, was forced
To pay for his crimes
42 times
He was married but now he's divorced.

A child with long, golden locks,
ran around busting up old clocks
rusty cogs and gears
those poor old dears
they ended up stacked like his blocks.

A buxom young mermaid from Crete
Had no orifice from which to excrete
And try as she might
all day and all night,
this function she could not complete.

A hairy old goat-herd from Sydney
Had a seriously weak only kidney,
he needed to pee
which gave him a cramp around mid-knee.

A transvestite from Old San Franciso
Had a special use for his Crisco
it wasn't for cooking,
he used it for looking
and hooking near a Castro Stree Disco.

A barber with quite shaky hands
Collected and sold rubber bands.
He had a big ball,
then came the call
To visit strange faraway lands.

This week we all celebrate Easter
and we bathe the bunnies with 'Fleaster'
which makes their fur itch
and shed like a bitch
all the way down to their knee-sters.

A hot Easter chick called Matilda
Purchased a big yellow dilda
To hit Woof o'er the head
Then drag him to bed
Then cried "Woof (!), I'm so sorry I kilda!"

Some partying writers from "A-Dub"
Will end up debauched and may rub
themselves and each other
with kisses will smother
which beats drowning in the hot tub.

A new orator named Obama
Has the dems falling for his glama'
The sparking words void,
Senator Clinton's annoyed,
'Cause we're gaining a dad, not a mama.

There once was a forum of writers,
All of them lovers, not fighters,
They shared their dreams,
Their rants and their screams,
And often pulled all-nighters!

Bob lived in a land of plenty,
Of wives he had around twenty,
He cheated on each,
Both times at the beach,
while enjoying a latte, size venti.

One day, while typing my novel,
I stopped to peek out from my hovel,
My neighbor was there,
and also quite bare,
"Please put your clothes back on!" I did grovel.

I once knew a nun with a limp,
So I, such a precocious imp,
Would make the gal run,
And watch each bun,
With the eye of a very proud pimp.

As bulls go, he's bigger than most,
And that's why he's known coast to coast
As Ferdinand the Strong
Who rivals King Kong
with an obscenity I dare not post.

Is the word root for Putin puta?
Is the noun form of scootin', scoota?
It's a puzzle to me
and should be to thee,
and more so if living in Utah.

A writer who seldom was sober
Was sometimes a public disrober,
her hobby was streaking,
And I enjoyed peeking
Till cops came and started to probe 'er.

Two weeks ago Sue was a virgin
'Til she got that inevitable urgin'
So she sent out a plea,
"Someone de-flower me!"
She can get renewed by a surgeon.

An unbathed chap name of Keith,
Was strolling one day on the heath,
"All soap is unclean,
you know what I mean?"
Then Keith scratched himself underneath.

There once was a dolly from Bali
Who shacked up with Seamus O'Malley
But she wouldn't wear green
She thought it obscene
And with him no longer would dally.

A curmudgeonly Scot most dour
Preferred his haggis made sour
But drank single malt
And then would assault
Any Sassanach who at him would glower.

A horrible child aged two
Threw tantrums whenever on view.
His mum thought it cute
Til he spat on her boot
So she gave him a whack. Wouldn't you?

(page 260) 1555
The Amazon warriors were strong,
their eyelashes lovely and long,
their bosoms were steel
Even if only 1 was real,
alas, they eschew the schlong.

There once was a fairy named Bob,
named for the motion of his head when on the job.
He had a magic wand
And an aide who was blonde
Who was a right awful snob

A man with a horse and a duck
Faced his enemy with plenty of pluck,
mounting duck, holding horse,
he wandered off course,
muttering, "Christ, but these limericks suck."

There once was a hooker from Reno,
Who repeatedly serviced Jay Leno ( it rhymes on paper)
But Leno denies it,
the hooker defies it,
To hell with it. Let's go play Keno.

Today I saw ten purple horses,
three dragons and tiny armed forces,
A blissful battleground
Where cries of death abound,
From reality I've gotten divorces.

Writers who like making limericks
Are more amusing than Soviet apparatchniks
Perhaps driven by ego,
And still others can't count, though,
as for rhyming, that's just a cheap gimmerick.

There once was a guy from Punjabi,
Who was a vicious fanatical Wahabi
He said "death to the infidels"
storm all their citadels!
And smear them all with some wassabi!"

A writer who went for a walk
Wrote obscenities on a wall with chalk
A cop came along
Singing a song
"Do it again and your bung hole I'll caulk."

A crosseyed quarterback from Stanford
Was eating sprouts and some bean curd
When he bit on his tongue
He coughed out a lung
and didn't care, he was so bored.

A rollicking pirate named Jackie
dressed his parrot in the finest weave khaki
Complete with peg leg
and a small Easter egg,
Faux Fabergé thus thoroughly tacky

A girl missed the train at Cucamonga,
and found herself arriving in Tonga,
She refused to get off
without a good boff
And Six lessons from Madame La Zonga. (ca. 1940 hit novelty song)

A busty accordionist from Bologna
Met a tympanist from Patagonia
they squeezed and they clashed
They shagged and they mashed
Until they both died from pneumonia.

There was a young gigolo from Nice
who enjoyed crashing wedding feasts
He flirted with the bride
and got kicked to the side
for trying to make off with the ice.

Feasts and Nice don't really rhyme,
learning tact takes little time
but if errors we coddle
then in quacks will waddle
Their efforts not worth a dime.

A poodle could not control its piddling
Nor would it restrain from diddling.
When he mounted a Boxer
And tried to outfox her
She said, "Dude, your technique is middling."

A poodle could not control its piddling
Nor would it restrain from diddling
When out on a walk
you'd recoil in shock
from the wee that wasn't widdling.

Stretching the words is so much fun,
Two syllables appear where there was one,
And I like being prolix,
It's just how I get kicks,
And this last line is available for stuffing extra syllables into--anyone?

A guitarist from old Pensacola,
made great music on the new Rockola
Playing a splendiferous riff
while smoking a spliff,
But they took him away for payola.

A forgetful poster named Fox,
While consuming her bagels and lox,
Clicked on the wrong thread,
'Cause some poster had led
Her to think that her limericks were crocks

A large burly man from Japan
Was addicted to Chinese Fan-tan
He bet and he lost,
His head was the cost
But he never did pay, he just ran.

A president wasn't so smart
putting the horse before the cart.
Who cares for elections?
Or pensive reflections,
Things that you can't finish – don't start.

A tourist to Iowa found
A bottomless hole in the ground
Which led straight to hell
as she could tell
As she she replaced Prometheus bound.

A randy old friar from Bordeaux,
Was so poor he could not afford l'eau,
But lashings of brandy,
Were always quite handy,
What's more, they gave him a gleaux.

Old Merlin, they say, was quite wise,
His brain of quite a large size,
But some of his spells
From the old Book of Kells
Shrunk Morgana le Fay to thumbs size.

A barber not Figaro from Seville
Drank coffee not tea from Brazil
It livened him up
He drank cup after cup
Now he feels hale and hearty not ill.

There once was an artichoke eater
Who cruised the town in his two-seater
Trolling for babes
Of sensuous shapes
won a wife in a bet much sweeter.

A paltry old parson named Ork
Sired an illegitimate son in York.
When grown, son said, "Dad,
My mum said you had
Three more wives and six more kids in Cork."

There once was a mad millionairess
Who wanted her Mexican hairless.
He said "Ay, Chihuaha!
Don't tell Baba Wawa!"
If you need me I'm out on the terrace.

Two rules to follow when writing:
One--start out with something exciting.
Then follow it through,
but whatever you do
Be sure you're plugged in with good lighting.

An inventor deranged and bizarre
Carried chickens around in his car.
He thought it'd be neat
to feather his seat
But his ass got stuck to the tar!

I knew a musician from France,
Who was a gaudy flaming nance,
He’d flounce as he fiddled
And mince while he piddled,
He was a lot of fun at a dance.

One day, while cleaning my drawers
(Not one of my favorite chores),
I slipped on the soap
And felt like a dope
Now my bum is all covered with sores.

A man picked his teeth with a fork
While at "21" in New York
Then he farted out loud,
Scandalizing the crowd,
Then grossed them all with a hork.

A man picked his teeth with a fork
While at "21" in New York
Then he farted out loud,
Scandalizing the crowd
Who cried out as one, "What a dork!"

A girl who was rather ill bred
went out with a lout, name of Ted,
They ate with their feet
and it was really a treat
To lick all their toes 'till they bled.

A poet who wrote ugly verse
Was sure that his rhymes were all cherce.
His couplets were lewd,
his sonnets most rude
And his limericks incredibly worse

A man wrote a tale on his thumb
He knew it was terribly dumb.
No one could read it,
Or rent, sell or deed it.
Now he's inconsolably glum.

A woman who lived in a tree
Had a puppy, a Dinmont (Dandee)
This cute little terrier
could pilot a Harrier
And hovered above her to pee!

A tall, slender fella named Ted,
had trouble when lying in bed
Haunted by wet dreams,
nightmares and screams,
He slept vertical till he was dead.

The congressman sat on a horse,
Pictured strong for all to endorse
the horse threw him off,
And his image went soft
And he lost the election, of course

An author wrote epics in space,
Writing plot points to shore up his base.
Freed of all gravity,
he pulled out of his cavity
A joker, 3 queens and an ace.

A man who liked wrestling in lard
dressed in a spandex leotard
thusly attired,
And crack-coke wired,
Slipped, and on his arse fell hard.

A woman with hair on her chin
Thought personal grooming a sin
She stroked her long whiskers
And squeezed a few blisters
Causing pus and gunk to ooze to her shin.

King Arthur returned late at night
And crashed into an armored knight.
"Ouch!" Bang boom crash!
And a most painful gash
Still he's known for winning that fight.

There was once a compound in Texas
Run by lecherous over-sexas
In pioneer garb
and fence, wired barb,
They took him to jail in his Lexus

A young man who studied Tai Chi
Ate only curds, whey, and sushi
A fit vegetarian,
And also a contrarian
And as for his girlfriend, well who's she?

A writer who balked at bad rhymes,
Edited his sonnet at least twenty times,
Still, his meter was off,
So far one might scoff,
He'll never make this come out right and I swear he'd be rich if every superfluous syllable was a dime!

A waitress who lived in a hovel,
had ideas that would fill a shovel
When given a tip,
she'd lick just one lip,
Cause it wasn't in her to grovel.

If Hillary gets elected
Will women at last be respected?
Were that it were true,
For those of each hue,
and not just for those well connected.

If McCain wins the upcoming race,
The demos'll have egg on their face.
We'll stay in Iraq
'Til the buzzards come back
and chase us right out of the place.

There once was a frustrated writer
Whose wife was significantly brighter.
When he wanted some action
He considered that traction
Could make their relationship lighter.

If ever I went to Australia,
a postcard or two I would mail ya
Of Koalas and Dingos
And other strange thing-os
And the most incomprehensible lingos.

A dapper young man from Manhattan,
Went to school to study old Latin,
In bowtie and spats
Shouts "Fama volat"
May I please have my aristidis au gratin?

A ribald old poet from Dayton
Met a pretty young redhead from Stayton.
He desired her bod
but the randy old sod
Had no clothes suitable to mate in.

A young man suffering ennui
complained about ongoing pink eye
But he was too blasé
And had to pause, eh
This limerick is too screwed up to deny--or decree, depending on your choice of which word to rhyme.

Some limericks are harder than others,
'Tis true, but if I had my druthers,
I'd write just for fun
And pen every pun
And I'd finish my own, not another's.

A young broomball star thought it funny
to endorse a product for money
So he chose Hoover,
it was a real mover,
And made his life sweeter than honey.

A writer who sat in a slump
wrote "I, I, I have a sore rump.
I can't concentrate,
My deadline's late
Tht's why I feel like a worthless chump.

A Polish Pianist from Pryzmyl,
played while he ate Weiner schnitzel
Grease covered the keys
Made glissandos with ease,
But his timing was all on the fritz--hell!

A fellow who lived in his SUV
needed to expel gas excessively.
He'd stick his head out
the window and shout,
'My car's foriegn-dependency free!'

A writer was giving a speech
comparing sand grains on the beach
with drops of sea water
upon which a sea otter,
rested comfortably in his new-found niche.

A drunken young man from Ireland,
Tired of his life as a hired hand,
Fled out of the bog
And married a hog
After which they started a band.

A portly old duffer from Kent,
had difficulty paying his rent
He asked for a loan
with barely a moan
But evicted, moved into a tent.

A scandalous girl from Dubai
wore her Burka, while she got high.
She smoked her hashish
and twirled her leash
While a mullah was stroking her thigh.

An actor with very bad teeth
Went out for a stroll on the heath
He was British, you see,
So he couldn't just flee
And they gave him a jolly good wreath.

A sad-eyed old monk in Nepal
Stepped in gunk best described as fecal,
But being a Buddhist
And one of the shrewdest
cussed, "Damnit! Don't karma beat all?"

A young floozie named Mimi LaRue
Had a power drill, but just one screw
She hired a mechanic
And made that boy panic
'Would you prefer I use superglue?'

A walrus perused the late paper
While honing his tusks with a shaper,
"Hey, Carpenter, look!"
he said as he shook,
"The oysters have come for a caper!"

No matter what planet you're from,
There's always another so dumb
they'll vote for a putz
who's ruled by his lust
Who'll be forever controlling your thumb.

Whenever you hear a sound,
And your heart begins to pound,
your fingers go numb
your throat's struck dumb
your creativity's run aground.

A flirtatious dugong called Mazie
Met a squid who he fancied like crazy
Said he "Let's go back to my place,
you can sit on my face"
"Oh let's just float, I'm feeling lazy."

A king known as Tyranosaurus
Whose long speeches easily bored us
in the era cretaceous,
was feeling flirtatious
And recited love poems sonorous.

An old lush who loved Spanish brandy
would keep his flask of it handy,
Pondering, he'd sip
should I guzzle, or drip?
Sorry Honey, it's just like candy.

Springtime the geese come a layin'
and the skunks wake up and start sprayin'
The chiggers start bitin'
So the lake looks invitin'
I'm divin' right in, then I'm stayin'.

My deadline is coming up fast
I hope that the coffee will last
I've not slept a wink,
It's proof read, I think
But oops, I have misspelled Avast!

An archaeologist among the ruins of Karnak
bent over and injured her back,
But when a young man offered his hand,
she gently reminded him that the third and fourth line of a limerick should only have two beats throughout the land,
Then told him he was a literary hack.

A grizzled old hunter from Maine
Said, "Shoot the moose! He don't feel pain."
The moose demurred
Said he, "I'm not a bird."
"There's my revenge, allow me to explain..."

Horton the elephant heard a who
albeit microscopic, it's true,
but despite the vast gap,
"A person's not crap,
It whispered: To Thine Own Self Be True

A prince flew a chopper for love
And hovered a little above
Crooning, "Please, kiss me Kate."
And don't make me wait
My co-pilot might give me a shove.

A poster at the water cooler,
A very well-known drooler,
Said something odd
About their favourite mod
"I'd like to see her dance the hooler."

A poster at the water cooler,
A very well-known drooler,
Said something odd
About their favourite mod
And was beaten with a ruler.

A poster at the water cooler,
A very well-known drooler,
Said something odd
About their favourite mod
Who then compared it to manure.
A CSI expert from Vegas,
remarked that "This case will plague us
Since everyone's blind
and in gambling behind
Let's just take another hiatus

The writer who cheers "it's Friday!"
Is not going off to a hideaway.
But hoisting a brew
To all but a few,
Who mounted their camels to ride away.

A woman who cursed at computers
found pictures of her daughter's hooters
On Girls Gone Wild
that reprobate child
She'll have no reputable suitors.

A sharp Vegas dealer named Duke
Felt no need to respond to rebuke
Texas Hold'em he dealt,
Laid five cards on the felt,
And the loser shot off his peruke.

A cat with a whimsical attitude
Said "Cat got your tongue?" is a platitude.
"To rain cats and dogs"
Is absurd. Why not frogs?
And he pondered on this as the fat he chewed.

A cat with a whimsical attitude
Said "Cat got your tongue?" is a platitude.
"To rain cats and dogs"
Is absurd. Why not frogs?
That it's not causes me to feel gratitude."

‘With a hey and a ho nonny no’
A country bumpkin stubbed his toe
He fell on his bum
And spilling his rum
Said, "Whoa, Nellie, 'tain't a good show!

I wonder if chocolate and milk
will come off if I scrub this silk?
They say soda works best
But I fear to try, lest
it leaves a spot or else of that ilk.

There once was an amorous moose
who fell in love with a flighty goose.
"Dear goose are you willing
To go through a grilling?
asked a chef nearby, name of Bruce.

There once was a guy named Obama,
Who rode into town on his llama,
With preacher in tow
Who cawed hate like a crow
And sounded a lot like Osama.

A wombat that thought it could fly
Leaped from a cliff high into the sky
While sailing through space
With a smile on its face
It thought, "I'm so happy I could die."

A dragon-slaying hero of yore,
Had a face that looked like a sore
The princess he saved
Had arms unshaved,
And she dribbled and drooled when she swore.

A dragon-slaying hero of yore,
Had a face that looked like a sore
The princess he saved
Had arms unshaved
thus they lived happily, evermore.

There once was a sprightly old fella
Who impersonated Nelson Mandela
With compassionate heart
A movement he did start
In time for a new Cinderella

A year after winds ravaged Kansas,
bringing despair to woman and manses,
The sunflowers bloomed
The starling nests boomed,
and we're all in the back getting tanses.

Now that I'm older and wiser
I wish I'd been more of a miser
I wouldn't trust banks
Except with Swiss Francs
And I would have bought stocks in Pfizer

Today I met a strange man
Who said, "Let's go see Kazakhstan!"
As he stepped on his carpet
Atop a minaret
I wondered if he had a plan.

There was a fair maiden afloat
On a crumpet she thought was a boat
But the crumpet got soaked
And the maid almost croaked
In the crocodile-infested moat.

The Queen said "Off with his head!"
It seemed her lover had failed her in bed.
The King was so pleased
he stayed on his knees
and pleased her in that way instead.

A limerick should be obscene.
Who cares about rhymes that are clean?
Clean just doesn't sell
Good taste, go to hell!
F*** off, you prudes! Know what I mean?

A lovely young lady from Kent
Saw his gaze, and knew what it meant
He continued to stare
With never a care
that she, knowing why, up and went.

Two things to remember when writing:
That the ego and id like fighting.
Said Ego to Id,
"Now look here, you kid!
You can slap all you like but no biting."

Sir Nigel left without a line
So I'll submit a line of mine
Pray, make it brief
We need relief
From verses silly and malign.

No more keyboard, for me a quill
From which will flow words, better still
"Forsooth!" I shall write
"Ye gads!" and then smite
After which yards of beer I shall swill.

It is said no word can rhyme with orange,
'tho Nash quipped, "I just adore Inge."
But who is Nash?
Does he have cash?
Or is he as broke as a door 'inge?

Two gumdrops decided to marry
But one of them wanted to tarry
He wasn't quite sure
If she was still pure
But he still loved her flavor: blueberry

A pirate ship lost in a storm
Had a captain who looked like a worm.
He steadied the helm
And entered a realm (is that okay, Pthom?)
where piracy wasn't the norm.

A porcupine frantic for love
couldn't find any help from above.
So, rattling his quills
He popped a few pills
And mistakingly boffed a cute dove.

A vaquero from old Vera Cruz
Got borracho on rotten old booze
He fell off his bayo
On Cinco de Mayo
And exposed his poor sesos to luz

A limerick writer from Paris
whose pseudonym was Henry Harris
could not find a rhyme
to sell for a dime
So he wrote short stories that scare us.

A writer who dreamed of perfection
Through his heroine had an erection
But he suffered withdrawal
and he threw in the towel
When his editor made the correction.

On Mayday the maypole was raised
The nymphs and satyrs became crazed
Chanting unionist rants
They took off their pants
They had pants? I'll say I'm amazed.

There once was a limerick writer
Who sat on a cigarette lighter.
His pants were on fire,
The flames getting higher
Quite irking that shameless old blighter!

A young nurse who knew how to draw blood
was startled by a sudden thud.
A patient on the floor
Reputed to be a whore
had fainted. Said the nurse, "Oh crud."

I once had a lovely romance
Who tangoed the sexiest dance
She gyrated all nude
Oh, far from a prude!
She held on to his sizable lance.

An ostrich who lived in denial
Kept the evidence in a small vial.
Though it was close at hand
Buried under the sand
He was sentenced to death at his trial.

A man with a very small brain
Was petty, dim-witted and vain.
No peacock was prouder
Or thick as clam chowder
Except the President from Maine

Barbara Walters interviewed herself
While staring into a mirror on the shelf
She feigned sincerity
Clutching her dignity
And answered like the oracle at i-delph.

talkwrite, please drop us a line
The forgetful should pay a big fine
10 bucks for each word--
Says talkwrite, "My lord!
What makes you think I own a mine?"

A writer woke up one fine day
and cried 'I have something to say!'
"My muse has returned,
And oh! What I've learned!
So now I must write an essay."

A guilt-ridden boozy old hack
Who lived in a filthy old sack
Decided to cull
From Tom Wolf's Man in Full
But bad karma was all he got back.

A plagiarist I once knew
Stole Will's Taming of the Shrew
Kate was a bon mot
Who stole the show
But the Bard's estate went on to sue.

There once was a guy name of Caesar
Who was quite a naughty old geezer
and comic called Sid
Much joking he did--
I can't tell them apart, what a teaser.

A worthless old pile of potatoes
Was worn by some guys in their speedos,
With bulges unsightly
These geezers felt sprightly
'Cause their bulges were red as tomatoes.

A journalist after a story
Decided he'd make it sound gory.
A mere light contusion
Would add to confusion
When the corpse was found in a quarry.

A vampire who could not abide blood
Had his coffin engulfed in black mud
He refused a transfusion
And instead drank some juice in
A skull while awaiting the flood.

Then getting back into his coffin
He ate a blueberry muffin
On which he did choke
And then promptly croak
Becoming his very own stuffing.

I'm sorely in need of a drink
As I teeter close to the brink.
The more I look down
The greater my frown.
How did I end up here in the clink?

A leprechaun moved to Australia
With a load of paraphernalia
No pommies in sight,
He said, "Well, awright!
I better sit down and email yer!"

A writer who spent hours translating
A Russian tale about bear baiting
Was suddenly flummoxed
And totally out foxed
Requiring some defenestrating.

I'm thinking of having some lunch
Something light to nibble and munch
Some veggies or salad
Linguine and shallots
And juicy black grapes by the bunch.

But now I shall open some wine
Just to get me through the next line
The sound of a cork
Unnh, it takes some torque
Oooh, the words are flowing just fine.

A misting Spring rain is falling
The ducks and the geese are calling
Thoughts float to Brazil
Ants crawl up a hill
Woof, sometimes you are appalling.

Dick Cheney passed out at the pump
Someone asked, "What is this lump?"
"He's just full of gas,
and a cold-blodded ass,
And that man he shot? He's in the dump."

At midnight on midsummer's eve
Sacred magick the witches still weave.
With cauldron and flame,
The spirits reclaim
They have a quick shindig then leave.

They say he’s not right in the head
And he keeps a live python in bed
A Jeopardy! fan
and is seeking a ban
on seagulls not being fed.

A gardener tore down a skyscraper
Did it as a April Fool's caper
No Superman, he
He's as weak as a flea
But keen to join up with his maker.

My muse has gone off in a huff
How rude and offensive and gruff!
I'm left in the lurch
Well off my perch
And with no drafts not even rough.

My villain decided to come clean
"I'm meek. I drink Ovaltine.
I no longer torture,
or burn or scorch or
do anything remotely obscene."

My poodle has lost all his hair,
And with the ladies his debonaire flair.
They turn up their noses
And pee on the roses
A dog's job, oh jeez, I swear!

There once was a hairless, nude poodle
that ate for its lunch one long noodle
it curled over his nose
then down to its toes
For dessert she had a strudel.

Gas prices just keep on rising
A hassle I can't help despising.
The trouble with oil
Just makes me recoil.
My vehicle I'll be downsizing.

Oneblindmouse said to Nymtoc one day
"Where did you learn to write that grand way"?
He replied, "It's as naught,
I just do what I ought,
And say what my muse tells me to say."

Autodidact and Talkwrite decided
That Nymtoc and Mouse were misguided,
"You think that's good prose?"
"Quien Sabe? Who knows?"
Don roc'd as the others confided.

The liberties some posters take
Truly blissful my day they make
And those who like lurking,
Who get off on smirking,
Do definitely take the cake.

My article just isn't growing
And I'm not exactly crowing
makes me pull out my hair
and burn my underwear
My God! My privates are showing!

My fifth draft sucks worse than the fourth
I shall give up all writing henceforth
But just one more line
But first one more wine
So ends Equator of the North

Norman was a writer by trade,
prose was the product he made.
He spun a fine tale
When watered with ale
But failed when he drank lemonade.

An urge to pass gas while he danced
invaded the Comte de Gran's pants
He squeezed his buns tightly
And broke wind politely
While sly Madame Pompadour glanced.

When Ahab caught sight of his nemesis,
He did not react with an emesis.
But, missing his leg,
slipped on a gull's egg,
Which is why that whole deckful of phlegm is his.

There once was a damsel called Dora
Who memorized the entire Torah
She explored God's words,
Like other good nerds,
And ended up dancing the Hora.

A writer was bloated on beer
Confusing ale with good cheer,
he needed to pee
But the john was not free,
Which explains the wet spot you see here.

On a faraway planet called Mongo
A musical boy played his bongo
He used all six hands,
To play in his pants
While wondering, Just how does this song go?

A barkeep was asked for advice
quoth he, 'If you can't say anything nice...
Then keep your trap shut
And do not talk smut
But you may play with me poker dice.

A poodle named Fifi La Rue
Was bored and had nothing to chew
Silk rugs she found bland,
Kibbles were the wrong brand
But Ferragamo had the best shoe.

A sinister Siamese cat
spied an innocent rat
The cat showed her fangs
The rat called his gangs
Voilà! the West Side Story spat

A penguin was determined to fly.
He said, "No ground-bird am I!"
he called Southwest Air
And asked, "What's the fare?"
No frills but it's as high as the sky.

A genie got tired of wishes
And washing his Master's dishes.
He rubbed his own lamp
And got a leg cramp
With pain exceedingly vicious.

A ribald old bawd from Bristol
Accidentally sat on her pistol
A discharge was heard
Her vision soon blurred
And she said, "Migawd, there goes my bustle!"

A woolly old ram in a meadow
Who'd lived half his life in a ghetto
Said, "How can I sleep
When there's noisy sheep
Plus that wretched goat singing falsetto?"

When Marjorie moved to Montana
She was joyous at leaving Fontana
She loved the fresh air
Except for the lair
Of the sinister Banana-fana.

To make a successful martini
Never stir with a flaccid zucchini.
Instead, gently shake
Like that 007 rake
And serve casually, whistling Puccini.

When Wellington challenged old Nappy
It made the Prussians quite happy.
He charged with his horses
And superior forces,
While Nap's plan was totally crappy.

From Podunk to Paris to Prague
A Countess toured with her frog.
It sang Papageno
In Vegas and Reno
and toasted her with some hot grog.

When crafting a limerick it's best
To refrain from thought, you know, lest
You put a great strain
On your poor li'l pea brain,
And end up the butt of the jest.

If ever a person had problems
It was Bob, who kept gobbling corn coblems
That grew so darned big
He soon looked like a pig
Then exploded in thousands of bloblems.

"Show me the money," said Jerry.
"Oh no, show me yours first;" said Harry.
Jerry showed him his wad
Quoth Harry "Oh my GAWD!
If you were a woman, we'd marry!"

There was this young novelist, Lester,
Every agent he found, he would pester.
But writing in blood
Exhausted the stud
Who also worked as the king's jester.

A bandit who feared for his life
Decided to find him a wife.
So he rode into town
With a see-through gown,
Which caused him a good deal of strife.

A bandit who feared for his life
Decided to find him a wife.
So he rode into town
With a see-through gown
And the girls called his member a fife.

A jester told a tale in bad taste
That caused him to leave in great haste.
The Queen was outraged,
For she'd been upstaged.
Another good joke gone to waste.

The flowers that bloom in the Spring
cause dreams that are tantalizing,
It's best if you smoke them,
Inhaling each harsh stem,
But best take the seeds out and fling.

The flowers that bloom in the Spring
cause dreams that are tantalizing,
It's best if you smoke them,
Inhaling each harsh stem [not a rhyme]
because when you toke them,[not an original rhyme, unlike the previous line]
The words that don't rhyme you just sing.

Abe Lincoln once ran out of words
So he started to tweet like the birds
Cats gathered around
And Honest Abe found
He did best if he flatted his thirds.

A cabbage makes quite a good soup
And rarely does one in our group
Not empty his bowl;
But alas, one poor soul
Thinks cabbage tastes something like poop.

A swan who was scared to go swimming
Looked out at a lake that was brimming
With turtles and snakes.
Said her brother, "They're fakes!"
"What's more, each one is a lemming."

There once was a pirate from France
Who longed to succeed in la danse.
So he bought a tutu
And dressed up all fru-fru
And won first prize as best nance.

A Viking who lacked the talent to navigate
nor rocking ships could he tolerate.
When he went a-viking,
He wished he were hiking
Where he could just sit and meditate.

A Buddhist monk went on Survivor
That he'd win I bet a fiver,
He didn't eat much
And only spoke Dutch
But clever as Angus MacGyver.

A tourist got lost in New York;
He felt like a virtual dork.
Wound up at the Met
Saw two friends from Tibet
Who told him, "Just follow that stork."

A glamorous gal from St. Paul
Decided to see Montreal.
She brought her boyfriend
Whose came from South Bend
And, together, they both had a ball

A cute little man in the city
Thought I was quite charming and witty
He took me to dine
But he fed me a line
And now he sings with Conway Twitty

Puerto Rico asked to secede
We sent them a fax of their deed
But Geraldo Rivera
said, "There's been an erra,
my notes say you're already freed."

King Kong stubbed his toe on a tree,
His mother said, "Aw, let him be."
"Don't pamper that wimp.
He's faking a limp.
If he really got hurt, he'd tell me."

Ten men sat in a dugout canoe
- a depraved and notorious crew
Their manners were crude
And their cox downright rude
And their swain was somewhat askew.

A woman without any shame
Found considerable internet fame
She posted her pics
Of her lewd party tricks
But today's lurkers found them quite tame.

Bill Gates started a garden
Where Roses and Lilies did harden
Where Lilacs grew limp
And code-hacking chimp
At Shawshank made wealthy the warden.

A witty wizard from Westminster
Was casting a spell when he sensed her
It was the Wendy the Witch
a-scratchin' an itch
And cackling in a voice quite sinister.

A man who was traveling through time
said, "This journey is simply sublime!
I've kissed Cleopatra
And sung with Sinatra
And watched Shakespeare writing a rhyme!"

A woman turned into a flea
And feasted on Griffith's Aunt Bea
The flea then ate Opie,
And Andy got mopy
And Barney said, "What about me?"

A woman danced in the rain
And freed each thought in her brain
But her mind was all wet,
She became a coquette
And turned to hooking in Spain.

A man who was wealthy as sin
Got plastered on tonic and gin
He staggered toward home
His mouth covered in foam
And fell in his own rubbish-bin.

Just when Nerdly's work day had ended
And all that was right was defended,
The boss came along
in a leopard-print thong
Which was torn and left unmended.

The boss who pranced without shame
Said all that he wanted was fame
Not a promotion
Or calamine lotion
He's unheard of, and ain't that a shame.

In the valley a big storm was raging
About whose smile was most engaging.
My ear to ear grin
Snapped my facelift pin
And added ten years to my aging.

A nasty old man with a grievance
Known for his raves and his loud rants
At last found his match
She liked to moan and scratch
Thus becoming more than a casual dalliance.

A capo named Shells Leonardi
Was hosting a Sicilian style party.
He served caponata
And sang La Traviata
And bathed in gallons of Bacardi.

A talented young maiden called Maeve
Spent an Irish Shavuot with Dave.
He corrected her spelling
As her eyes were welling
And lost the job as her love-slave.

If one million monkeys typed all day
How many peanuts would you pay?
One nut per ape
Two for their mate
And three for their friends who are gay.

A dog who barked up the wrong tree
was photographed, making history
He became famous overnight
for his bark, not his bite
The dog's bark or that of the tree?

A rising Republican politician
Was caught in the midst of coition
In a DC hotel
Covered in just Rotel
In a compromising position.

A woman who smashed a glass ceiling
Claimed houses of glass are appealing
Except when you're nude,
Engaged to a prude,
And all of the neighbors are squealing!

On the last day before he got sacked
An employee was tortured and racked
By various bosses
On donkeys and hosses
All of them sadistic and cracked.

A duck who lost all his feathers
And a cow who knew about leathers
Were sold at the fair.
Though they went as a pair
By two lady farmers--both Heathers

A lemon, a dog, and a villain
Were seen by a witch who was willin'
To make lemonade
but the brew that they made
was really not worthy of swillin'.

Who will win the upcoming election?
It's not a difficult selection
An old plan man, or
"Yes We Can!" man
who will lead us in the right direction.

Who will win the upcoming election?
It's not a difficult selection
An old plan man, or
"Yes We Can!"
The same old crap or a new direction.

This morning while reading the news
I found nothing that I could use
All war and misery
Lies,greed and bigotry
So I went back to bed for a snooze.

While waltzing I stepped on his toe,
He said, "Dear, that's not comme il faut."
In rage, I replied,
"Well then step aside,
for your waltzing is clumsy and slow”

‘Don’t fondle the servants’ she said
They could end up in your bed
If you need to cuddle
Don't leave a puddle
Or I’ll whack you and leave you for dead

A bright and ambitious Walloon
Was to phlegmish to play the bassoon (great pun, no?)
A frog in his throat
As he spützens each note
Moved him to switch to play the spoons

Once, a gay man from New Orleans
Put a terrible strain on the zip of his jeans.
It attracted attention
At a Baptist convention
Where ten ministers choked on their beans

A brat with a water balloon
Took aim not a moment too soon
Ten stories below
strolled a girl and her beau
And a watered down vampire raccoon

Chimpanzees don't frequent this park,
Because it's patrolled after dark
And those Monkey Squad Boys
Will confiscate toys
Like the two Noah threw from the ark

A shyster escaped from a ship
With a seriously injured hip
He dove in high seas
Fed a dolphin some cheese
And kissed a man eating shark on the lip

A woman with too many shoes
Her dilemma was, which pair to choose
So few she had worn
That a problem was born --
The ‘I’ve Bought Too Many Shoes’ Blues

Two dandies, a fop and a rake
Attempted to hide in a cake.
The frosting was sweet
All round a fab treat
And the bawd inside they did make.

King Arthur cried out, "Where is Guinevere?"
Screamed the maid, "Putting on her brassiere!"
In came Sir Lancelot
He thinks, "My pant's they'll spot"
So he yells "Is Galahad still here?"

A rendezvous planned by a farmer
Turned into a dreadful alarmer
His pig and his mule
both dressed in pink tulle--
Looks a lot like hot pink only warmer.

Two doctors who loved the same nurse
Had words that were both short and terse [adjusting for meter]
But she knew the score
And chose to ignore
Their words which sounded adverse

A limerick locked in mid-limerick
Keeps Tracy at bay like a dimmer Dick.
But our Autodidact
was a little bit cracked
And it spun until it made them feel sick!

A little old lady from York
found a grey pubic hair on her fork
She dropped it and screamed
as her elderly waiter beamed
And said, "It don't scan, but it works."

A shy hippopotamus from Khartoum
undressed in the dark in my room.
Her hips were so wide
That I needed a guide
But her lips were like flowers in bloom

A writer was new to a forum
and desperate not to bore 'em
with vivid sexual scenes
and lots of vented spleens
cuz all the good writers deplore'em.

There once was a writer with block
Who considered using his Glock
But instead used his pen,
Wrote a sonnet and then
Realized it was thirteen o'clock!

A merry young lass on a bicycle
Had an accident while sucking a popsicle
Are you hurt asked a friend
After she tumbled end-to-end
"No," she replied, "but the stick tickles."

If your limerick refuses to scan at all
And it doesn't quite rhyme either,
You might be a poet
Though Meter and Rhyme Might not Show It,
And your agent and publisher never call neither.

Whatever became of those writers
Who binged on wild all-nighters?
Well, they post on this forum
So please don’t ignore ‘em
As they're mean nasty horrible biters.

To touch her lips was the kiss of death
Unless you avoided her sulphuric breath
If her allure traps you
when her finger taps you,
It's worse than any trip you've taken on meth.

When Bart Simpson faced Doyle Brunson in Texas hold'em
The tension was so hot it was molten
Bart needed one card
But Luck's heart was hard
So he smiled with rotting teeth and forced bart to fold'em.

Woof went on America's Top Dog
His mind keen and clear as the fog
He snarled on cue
Then made a large poo
And alleycat said, "What a hog!"

Hickory, dickory, oneblindmouse
There’s a repossession order onmyhouse.
I'm flat broke and clueless
And starving and shoeless
Oh wait, there's ten bucks inmyblouse

A vivid and terrible scene
confronted the haggard old queen:
the corgis lay dead
next to the king's head
And she screamed louder than Howard Dean.

A Senator known for his earmarks
Was linked to unsavory loan sharks
His own coffers full
he was known for his bull,
"Til he was busted by a team 0f DEA narcs.

Obama said, I will bring change."
From hopefuls that phrase isn't strange
But changing takes guts
No ifs, ands, or buts,
so maybe he'll just rearrange.

We can't wait until the election
There's too much misdirection.
The candidates all
with astonishing gall
Lay claim to unbounded perfection.

There once was a duck known as Daffy
Who had a fondness for pink taffy
And said Bugs is "despicable"
But Pluto is lickable
If I had a whole tongue or a halfie.

I dreamed of a storm out at sea
With huge waves from windward and lee
"Hang ten!" I said
to ghosts of sailors dead
And with Johnny Depp had some orange tea.

A piddling pooch from Peoria
was last seen on the Andrea Doria
He squatted on the poop deck
And a dolphin said "Oh heck!
Don’t piddle or poop I implore o’ ye.”

Don’t fondle those fondants’ she said,
"or I'll pop you once on yer head "
"then I'll gouge out yer eyes
And cut that thing between yer thighs
Aye! I'll make you wish you were dead.

The High Court said yes to bear arms.
But said nothing about saving farms
Or keeping jobs here
And pot versus beer
Or Lafayette yelling, "Gendarmes!"

A crabby old crook cried "Police
- you are ill-bred, corrupt and obese!"
But when his home was robbed
He broke down and sobbed,
"When will dishonesty cease?"

A manuscript sat on a shelf,
written by an anti Ghibelline Guelf,
It favored the Pope
But the HRE said nope
So the Guelf flagellated himself.

Alone on an uncharted isle
A fellow was tempted to smile
‘I may be quite loco but…’
There's a face on that Coconut
Which looks just like old uncle Lyle!'

When sorting through files of old papers
Aunt Pittypat swooned from the vapors
In her hand was a photo
Of her grand dad's De Soto
"I love how the front fender tapers."

Bill was in love with his Buick
And dumped actress Barbara Ruick.
His steering wheel
Was tarnished steel
So rusty it made him feel too sick.

Jack thought his charisma was awesome
when he lured three chicks to a foursome
But he lacked the stamina
So the girls flounced out slammin’ a….
Young stud who said he'd adore some.

That Limerick was really bad,
and yet the only one we had
We can do better
Just stick to the letter
Yet this one is pretty poor, also.

"Oh no Mr Perkins," she said
As he pushed her onto the bed.
"I don't really know you
And you're married too
Now I see where my c**k teasing led.’

Why Maisie, you’re terribly rude'
When you appear all in the nude
But off came your clothes
So the book, the judge throws
"With no clothes, by the law, you're judged lewd."

In summer, the garden is green,
In winter no color is seen,
Autumn, leaves fall,
Spring's best of all;
When Life is the fair reigning queen.

If ever there was a disaster
Consider a house made of plaster
A wind comes along
and blew it to Hong Kong
It's a free trip and you'll get there faster.

The Japanese love their TV
Confusing us with origami.
A huge paper moth
(Or perhaps it was Thoth)
Was unclear unless viewed in HD.

Jim played a red Telecaster
With his pick moving faster and faster
His eyes were squinted
As talent was hinted
But his chording was total disaster.

A sly old gal on her vacation
Filmed her own animation
She streamed it online
Pixel called on time
Now it's the latest blockbuster sensation.

Two women were at the hairdresser
One dame called the other a fresser
And by way of reply
She did not deny
That men always tried to undress her.

A man who was coarse and uncouth
Offended a woman named Ruth
He drooled down her blouse
And made fun of her spouse
Who then knocked him all the way back to Duluth.

A clown wore frightening makeup
For a new kind of job that [he takes] up
He sits in a chair
All alone he sits there
In fear that his grease paint might break up

And now for some words quite absurd
THIS limerick is about a bird
It sits in a tree
There, down by the sea
And hourly drops down a turd.

This morning I dreamed of a cow
I saw it in bed with a sow
Then a goat jumped in
With a Dionysian grin
So I left the room with a bow

Last night I dreamed of an island
Neither Greenland, New Zealand, nor Saipan
It was misty and green
And rather serene
'Til students on spring break became all gland.

A KGB agent named Putin
Became sorta' high fallutin'
He polished his shoes
And began to peruse
When eight black-masked men came in shootin'

Beneath a broad tree lay a dragon
Drinking a brew from a flagon
Until he got shikker
On that horrible likker
And now his skin is saggin'

A woman answered a call
At an escort service in St. Paul
It was a lewd request
Which she met with great zest
And serviced the team each one and all.

A galloping Gael from Killarny
Was just so full of the blarney
he choked on his Guinness
Not minding his bui'ness
And now he's as purple as Barney.

I'm thinking of having a drinky
With a femme fatale quite slinky
If our ink's not dry
I'll sip on some rye
While she smudges the ink with her pinky.

I married a honey-glazed ham
Realised that it was a scam
I took it quite hard
Then squeezed out the lard
The remainder, I packaged as SPAMTM

If people were not so impatient
They'd hand all their work to an agent
Hiring a PA
Just might make your day
And get you in print with less agin'

In a fantasy kingdom one day
A little fairy did say
In all my back story
There is lots of glory
And my humor is naturally fey.

Roman matron Frigida Neurosa
Said to her slave: "come a bit closer"
"And place your hand
On my gland."
"And sing me the Lacrimosa."

The queen held a garden party
But one of her guests was quite tarty
Attempting to curtsy
and being oh-so-flirtsy
She boomed like Felix Pappalardi

I once met a clown on a jet
Who dared me to jump, on a bet
I tripped on his shoe
And he fell out too
And I wish that we hadn't have met.

There once was a girl with a patch
Held to her face with a latch
If you caught her eye
And didn't say hi
She'd quickly give you one to match

A stunning young lady named Ruth
Would frequently shake her caboose
Her heinie wagged free
Or, so sayeth me
Until her pants worked their way loose.

A shiny newcomer to Moscow
Made note of all those that he would plow
But maidens divine
Only nuns on the line
Said, "No way, no when, no why, no how."

If you're ever in Kalamazoo
And want to play a kazoo,
Go sit in the park
And chew on some bark
And if people object, tell them "Foo!"

A mysterious dude from the Bronx
Lived on a diet of conchs
His skin was clammy
So he moved to Miami
And was forever filled with angst.

A sailor who was crude and immoral
Wore cologne that was just slightly floral
When thrown in the brig
He soon danced a jig
With two sheep and a pig--quite pastoral

When I found my dog's house aflame
At once I knew who was to blame
The cat was the culprit
Her smug face was guilt-writ
And she felt not a shred of shame.

A bull that bought a china shop
Would often more than china drop
He freaked at Lalique
Then trashed his boutique
If thumbs he did have, he might stop

A man with one leg tried to run
From an exceptionally horny nun
He tripped on his stump
And fell on his rump
She leaped and then had some fun.

A man who was rather aloof
Was found fast asleep on his roof
A pigeon had pooped
Climbing up there he scooped
He swooped and was gone with a poof.

Chickens don't make the best pillows
They're noisy and weigh several kilos
They litter their bupkas
With feathers, like chupkas
And smell like rank armadillos.

A mouse and a rhino were wed
He wore a crown upon his head
And said, "Look I'm horny."
She replied, "Don't be corny!"
And off they went to bed.

There once was a frog named Joe
Who fell in love with a doe.
He wined her and dined her
On snake and 'gator chowder
Then slipped a ring on her toe.

An atheist praying mantis
Said, "This is how they all prayed on Atlantis.
And at mating time
Upside down he'd rhyme
"Hesitate; please, let's wait." Would she grant this?

A celibate dude from Montana
Said, "Sex? I'd prefer a banana.
The flesh, I'd unpeel
Wouldn't moan, writhe or squeal
And then take a trip to Havana.

This limerick attempt is so lame
I'd rather it bore not my name
These words are not mine
They send chills down my spine
And fill me with dread and with shame.

This limerick attempt is way cool.
It proves that I'm nobody's fool.
I write with a flair
Daring any who share
to send me back to writing school.

For those who think writing is easy
You'd do better playing parchesi
Each word is a challenge
Resistant as Stonehenge
And some of it downright sleazy.

Give me librium or give me meth
Before I take my final breath
In leaves of grass
And arms of fair lass
Ah, t'would be easeful death.

There once was a hell of a drummer
Who threw down his drumsticks one summer
He stormed to the store
To get ten pairs more
At KFC--what could be dumber?

The Great Wall of China is longer
Than our southern border and stronger
Than Arnold Schwartzenegger
Moonshine in a keg or
That big gorilla King Kong or . . .

He said, "Give me five" then he fainted
Not half the he-man he was painted
He really did care
Hated being thought square
But now his reputation is tainted.

A flexible fiddler from Cork
Played with a good deal of torque.
A saw was his bow
It screeched like a crow,
But he was heard all the way to New York.

How dare you insult me?" said Luke.
"So what if on you I did puke?
Your bilious green
Dress is really obscene,
While my offense was but a fluke.

Too many words make a poor rhyme
(From top the bandwagon we chime!)
With syllables galore
And a syntax that's poor
We'll be put in jail for our crime

There was a young waitress named Belle
Who served certain patrons too well
Her tips were immense
her smile, intense
Which caused their mm-mms to swell

A jaded young patron of pubs
Said, "Why go to Subway for subs?"
Just make a sandwich
Of spinach and ham which
They serve in Mayberry's best clubs.

"Young man, when you're my age," said Gramp
"You know life is one long boot camp"
"Did I volunteer?"
Said the young buccaneer.
"No" said Gramp, "but don't act like a scamp."

When Sam Coleridge lacked a good rhyme
He said, "I'm for some down-time."
He'd stare into space
A blank look on his face
And loquacious as a street mime.

A voluptuous vixen from Vichy
Was derided by some as too chichi
She put on airs
And demanded éclairs
And wore perfume that smelled feeshy.

A man with a penchant for tarts
Was known far and wide 'round these parts.
His tastes were flaky
But never heart-breaky
And more generous than all the old farts.

A man with a penchant for tarts
Was known far and wide 'round these parts.
His tastes were flaky
But never heart-breaky
Except he left them all plenty of warts.

Atop the old tower of Pisa
A lovely Italian named Lisa
Let down her long hair
Brushed it with great flair
And changed her name to Condaleeza

An insolent Ibis from Karnak
Drove a diesel pickup with a gun rack
He encountered a frog
Sitting atop a huge hog
Like Cheney he gave them both flack

Two Limericks were merged into one
Who's that other sunuvagun?
It's just too much work
I'd rather just lurk
While others attempt to have fun.

Moe lives in a house made of candy
A confectioner, he is quite handy!
But he has a sweet tooth
And to tell you the truth
Moe is more than a little bit randy.

A woman who lived on cheap gin
Swore that gin put a grin on her chin
She drank the full bottle,
Sang, "Hey, diddle dottle!"
Staggered out to the pool and fell in

A perfectly mis'rable hermit
Refused to get a cave permit,
He scoffed at the law
Deep inside the maw
He decided to live here a bit.

A fair maiden was once in peril
From a disgusting and amorous squirrel
He showed her his nuts
And said, "Babe, I love sluts.
Come to bed and let's give it a whirl!"

I'm a writer of poetry and prose
But I write best without any clothes
In my cool private office
I channel Chekhov. His...
Dark, brooding style gets right up my nose.

I was talking to Shakespeare last night
When a sound outside gave me a fright
"Who goest there?" I called
Said a ghost, "I'm appalled!"
And floated out of my sight.

I once had boat at the pier
It was almost as big as my rear
I mean, like, gigantic
Leaking and antique
But amply provided with beer.

One day in the life of a frog
All smelly and wet in a bog
He asked a fair princess
If she had any mint sauce
She did and shared his legs with a hog.

A Viking appeared in the fens
He slew every monk in the glens
Then to Norway he sailed
Where a mermaid he hailed
Blew him off because of his wens.

Let's redux the Farta from Sparta
Those old Greeks had no Magna Carta
They lived just for war
And not oil-offshore
Or the musical stylings of Sartre.

Another day dawned on the prairie
And Debbie went down to the dairy
She bypassed Dallas,
Went straight to Corvallis
And slept with a dude who was hairy.

A rooster who crowed at sunset
Was slopped with the hogs and got wet
He cried out, "Thou vile spawn!"
"Tough!" They said with a yawn.
"Swine like us give as good as we get."

My Aunt Flo spent a week in the clink
She did not bathe and started to stink
It was all well planned
We knew she'd be canned
When she stole Lady Piffleworth's mink.

This dude who was called Torquemada
Applied the jarra, the rack, and strappada.
Through auto-da-fe
From day to day
Screams were heard from Cadiz to Malaga.

While Nero played his fiery fiddle
Poppaea kept tickling his middle
The Senate fumed
While Congress bloomed
But he stuck to his musical idyll.

My future is not looking good’
Said the Sheriff who met Robin Hood
"The King is displeased
And Sir Guy is diseased."
"And my tights were lost in Sherwood"

The Count of Monte Cristo plotted
Revenge that turned twisted and knotted
His victims unaware
Lacking savoir faire
Did suffer, though none got garotted.

When Anna Karenina strayed
Lucky Count Vronsky got laid
But her husband swore
he'd married no whore
But of scandal he was afraid.

The Musketeer known as D'Artagnan
Was the Musketeers' newest companion
His hair, worn in curls,
Drove wild all the girls
So he dined every day on filet mignon.

Gad dang, said the old man, this bucket
Of bolts wouldn't run on pure luck. It
Sputtered and it spat
And frightened the cat
Who fled all the way to Nantucket.

All students dislike Silas Marner
Because it's a bore and a yawner
They planned a revolt,
Yelled, "George Eliot's a dolt!"
And then, all the students were goners.

Ode to my warm,egg/cheese Mcmuffin
When not fresh you begin to toughen
But zapped in the micro
Its taste drove me loco
Though I'd still prefer a McPuffin.

The Corsican Brothers were weird
They were really but sisters with beards
If they'd ever shaved
The hair they'd have saved
Would have equaled a herd of sheep sheared.

If the world has but seven great wonders
And the gods don't make blunders
But they do like to hoax
And love cosmic jokes
As they zap folks with lightnings and thunders.

Raskolnikov's dangerous plan
Would create a guilt-ridden man
But he didn't know
That his sin would grow
Well, he should have fled to Kazan

Now Grushenka was a hot babe
But she couldn't bed Alyosha, called "Abe"
He drank too much vodka
Then called her a nafka (whore in Yiddish)
And went back to his damned astrolabe.

Elizabeth Bennet was smart
Well read, well bred, and no tart
She took Darcy's measure
And gave him no pleasure
Till he took control of her heart.

Now, Heathcliff was brooding and grim.
I say, what could a girl see in him?
I say not a thing
Let them have their fling
And do whatever they want on a whim.

The boy was thin and pale
And no typically robust Gael
The windy, cold winters
Turned his bagpipes to splinters
As he wandered o'er hill and dale.

Miss Manners is full of advice
On matters exact and precise
Like what to say when
And how to date men
And how to be mean and seem nice

A drum, a guitar, and a fiddle
Were crammed o'er my head to my middle
And then, with the bass
and much gas I must pass
It sounds nothing like "hey-diddle-diddle"!

A walrus who ate too much salad
Said, "Oh, now you think I look pallid.
Just wait 'til you see"
A thin little me
like a malnourished Indian boy Khalid

A Dong with a luminous nose
Met a Ding with webbed fingers and toes
But bells did not chime
And mimes did not mime
And scribbling does not count as prose.

A man with a curious walk
Had a meeting with Peter Falk
A crime most foul
He wore a towel
And his victim was outlined in chalk.

Messalina cuckolded Claudius
Of his four wives, she was the bawdiest
But 'tis said, when in Rome
And in Gibbons' great tome
Foolish empresses' ends are the shoddiest.

Young Caligula ruled and went mad
As a hatter, and acted the cad
With his sister he dallied,
Fell ill, briefly rallied,
And was killed with surprise like his Dad.

Old Vickie was none too amused
Sans Albert, her humor was bruised
Their love was eternal
She wrote in her journal
"O woes, wat a gud man i losed"
(and thus, blinded by tears as she was, ushered in a new era!)

My bicycle has a flat tire
Which surely has raised my ire
The road it was long
From Seoul to Hong Kong
And with no patch my way remained dire

Mammatus clouds scared all the locals
I thought it my chance to seem noble
"To the cellar," I cried
but everyone died
Still wearing their cracked bifocals.

When Kerouac took to the road
The bourgeoisie he did goad
His style was gritty
running city to city
As he spawned a new narrative mode.

When Ginsberg decided to howl
His critics declared him "most foul"
lamenting the machine
He motioned supreme
These lines are making me growl,

The Prisoner of Zenda complained
"They can't even spell the book's name!"
donroc repented,
But Rassendyll consented [trying to get back to the plot]
While Hentzau the trrue king detained.

He once crossed swords with Scaramouche
Moreau's hatred for him was farouche
With a clever riposte
Many swords are crossed
Till Moreau wounds the dude with a whoosh.

Dr. Jekyll worked late in his lab
Extracting the bile from a crab
He mixed it with guano
And a bit of Romano
And washed it down with aged Cab.

Danton, Marat, and de Sade
(All seen as decidedly odd)
put rum in their shoes
And then sang the Blues
In the form of a wistful ballade.

When Poe's raven finally croaked
The poet depressedly toked
He buried the bird,
Nevermore to be heard,
Then wrote about pendulums, stoked!

Erroneous answers are banned
Untruths break the laws of our land
Tongues sporting a fork
Have much wine uncorked
But are soon dismissed out of hand

Blue aliens dance in my yard
Along with a tap dancing bard
As Borogroves mimsey
And toves, looking flimsy,
Wallowing in buckets of lard.

"The game is afoot," said S. Holmes
"The woman has filched metronomes"
"Now her mindless toe tapping
"Has Scotland Yard napping
And Watson updating the tomes

Zarathushtra when he spoke
Was a very wise-sounding bloke
But it took Mr. Nietzsche,
Whose writing could reach ya,
To keep it from reading like hoke.

If a cat kept a writer contented
Not the standard – a writer demented
Acting as her Familiar
Few things are much sillier
Than meowing that's heavily accented.

A canine who wrote only dogma
Said, "I'm far more astute than a frog, Ma."
"I have read Descartes
And know Hamlet by heart
While singing Carl Orff accapella.

The stuff dreams are made of can kill
Just ask Mr. Spade, if you will
That Maltese Falcon
Had several fools stalkin'
And many thugs shooting with skill.

On arriving in Shangri-La
A curious chap said, "Aha!"
"Is that Kublai Khan?"
"No, in Xanadu, man."
"Do people get older here?" "Nah."

When Christie invented Poirot
Miss Marple said, "Cool, he's my bro'.
But his weird mustache
Has too much panache.
I suspect that its color is faux."

Captain Nemo developed a craft
That he used on more than a raft
It stayed under water,
A sub-sea globetrotter,
where he took all his sailors abaft.

‘Hang on to me bulwarks’ he cried
When a great giant squid he espied
"It was out of his league,"
Said First Mate MacTeague,
"But it was one helluva ride."

The incredibly shrinking man
Was alarmed when he shrank smaller than
His wife's pinky
Now do you think he
Would puff up and say, "Yes I can"?

"Let's go to the lighthouse," said Ginny
"And I'll also invite Laura Linney.
Mrs. Dalloway, too,
She'll bring Fu Man Chu
And the hitman we call Vinny."

Ming the Merciless leered at Dale.
"Flash can't save you. He's destined to fail!
So you will be mine
Sure as frog-hair is fine,
Earth is weak! Mongo's might will prevail!"

Blanche DuBois took a ride on a trolley
To quench desire but met with folly
named Stanley Kowalski.
The desolate doll's key
To happiness turned melancholy.

Before sleeping,Nymtoc, post a line!
To start a Limerick, oh so fine.
And be literary
Stop being contrary
The words you type will be divine.

Here's something really 'off the wall':
A piece of sheet rock not too small
Fell smack on my head
While I read Sartre in bed,
Thinking Simone de Beavoir might call.

"Let's go and raise rabbits," said Lenny
But George was listening to Jack Benny
While Curley's young wife
Was playing the fife
And Steinbeck earned quite a pretty penny.

Nick Adams encountered two killers
The comics Jack Black and Ben Stiller.
They had him in stitches
With new movie pitches
And a brand new play by Arthur Miller

Antigone seemed very worried
King Creon was pissed, so she hurried
Along with Ismene,
Who wore a pink beanie,
For the elders whose favor was curried.

Old Nostradamus had a vision
Which he wrote, but not with precision
One century at time
In quatrains, with rhyme,
Glimpsing TV in high definition.

Mary Shelley once had a nightmare
And wrote it, with plenty of fright there
A monster was built
Victor F. felt no guilt
For the villagers he might scare.

When Beethoven lost his hearing
He began wearing one earring
While Für Elise he composed
His earring got hosed
But his Ninth left the audience cheering.

Mozart was precocious, they say,
Played with many a lass in his day.
His feet were small,
But his pizzle enthralled
And he wore a most splendid toupée.

When Bach was young and baroque
He was known as a mischievous bloke
He trilled with his organ
And sang, "Guten Morgen!"
Oh, famous was he, it's no joke!

Pretend you could dance on a pin
And invite some friends to join in
They better be angels
Who jig like Bojangles,
So tap-dancing fun can begin.

My pelican won't eat a thing
Unless he is served like a king
Each fork and each spoon
every morsel well chewn,
"You," he says, "Bring my meals when I ring."

Camille doesn't look very well
After her incredibly long coughing spell.
Armand brought her flowers
But she hacked for six hours.
Will she live? Only Dumas can tell.

Mr. Faust made a deal with the Devil
Then satyrs and nymphs they did revel
All over the town
Shades were drawn down
But do Devils make deals on the level?

"I hate this doll's house," grumbled Nora
Very closed in was this little senora
But for the plot's sake
She took up her rake
And hit the town wearing her fedora.

Driven with purpose to settle her plot,
She'd been working a helluva lot
She reached for a drink
Three pills: plink, plink, plink
And that was as good as it got.

Paul Bunyan was taller than most
In a few strides he walked coast to coast
His feet were flat
He had not an ounce of fat
But he had a blue ox to roast.

When Popeye ate all his spinach
From can to air he would pitch it
He'd knock out old Bluto
Danced like Menudo
This rhyme should go straight to the clinics.

Nijinsky could dance like a faun
And make love like a Don Juan
Which just goes to show
That a Russian, you know,
Is good for a night on the town.

When in Brussels, we danced like the Belgians
Or stood still like the Marbles from Elgins
Or else, when we chose,
A most erotic pose,
Since those Belgians are perfectly swell gens.

Genghis Khan knew a lot about war
But he couldn't remember what for.
So he scratched his head
And then went to bed
While his teddy bear sat on the floor.

Sleeping Beauty lay down for a snooze
After drinking a bit too much booze
She dreamed of short guys
With muscular thighs
Who knew how to light Beauty's fuse.

The Sugarplum Fairy felt crappy
Which made the Rat King rather happy
But times do change
If you dance like Red Grange,
Though the Nutcracker's always quite sappy.

Poor Odette got turned into a swan
And the ballet really made her yawn
Besides, the cold water
A sailor had shot her
And her mate ran off with a fawn.

Miss Havisham sat by the fire,
Bitter, since every man was a liar,
Her cake, old and rotted,
Grew stale as she plotted
To tie them all up in barbed wire!

Old crusty, reclusive McGuire
Counted his gold coins by the fire
He put them away
Then started to pray
Until a thief strangled him with a wire.

Sam Spade asked Effie, "Where's Miles?"
Effie said, "Let me check in the files.
There's a woman named Bridget,
That doll made Miles fidget
And he fell for her wiles and her guiles.

Caspar Gutman and Joel Cairo
Sought the bird. Neither one was a tyro
It's the stuff dreams are made of
And thieves are afraid of
Which Sam Spade explained well in his bio.

Talleyrand arranged a swift coup,
And Napoleon said, "Merci beaucoup"
But it all went awry
When he aimed way too high
And took bribes from the Austrians, too.

When the Beatles dispensed with Pete Best
Ringo Starr drummed in with great zest
Then John, George and Paul
Geared up for the long haul
And for that I would say we were blessed.

A ghoulish old chap was Bram Stoker!
We know about his love for Poker.
He also loved liquor.
If not for his ticker
He might have become a stock broker!

Gwendoline Madeline Potts
For whom one old man had the hots
He lifted her skirt
She ripped off his shirt
And gawked at his unsightly spots.

A man who had fondled a goat
Was silenced by a frog in his throat
The frog then spoke
Produced a loud croak
Heard from Santa Fe to Roanoke

A speech writer penned words eternal
For Lord Satan with phrases infernal
He wrote it so well
He got out of hell
and shacked up with a cross-dressing Colonel.

I fell down a very deep hole
Without my very own soul.
I bought one on line;
It got here on time.
Wow -- life can be downloaded whole!

The amount of bad fiction in forums
would strain the largest of quorums
Too much tell and no show
Too much prose that's de trop
And the was and as hordes -- we deplore 'em.

An avatar is a wee picture
With sound that bears no Richter
They give a little smile
but, all the while
Obey the site's size stricture.

If lolcats voted Republican
And dressed up like a pelican
They'd look like birds
And a little like nerds
As unwed teens claim "Because I can"

A weatherman faced Gustav's fury
And said, "It's the storm of the century."
He fell over
a four-leaf clover
He’d spent far too much time in the brewery

Don’t try to stop me I’m going
Far away first class in a Boeing
I'll take a good book
About Captain Hook
Where the Lost Boys evade him by rowing.

The day Sadie Thompson said, "Hi!"
Several Dogpatch men wished they would die.
The race would soon start
And each man did his part
Until a severe RAIN(hint regarding first line) came bye the bye. Sadie hawkins?????

Moonbeam McSwine was a babe
In the eyes of a farmer called Abe
Until she pigged out
and twisted Salome's snout
But Daisy Mae knew how to behave.

["abe" rhymes are few and far between. ]

Joe Btfsplk had terrible luck
His Internet came all unstuck
He called the Geek Squad
Who found him quite odd
A schlemiel, schmendrick, and a schmuck.

Sarah Palin field-skinned a moose,
"I'm a hockey mom" was her excuse
"I give my kids names
For hunting type games
Tis a shame now that they're all on the loose.

There once was a man from the coast,
Of California where he would boast
Of his world-famous wines
While ignoring French whines
He would offer an uncultured toast.

There once was a man from the coast,
Who had an unusual boast;
He claimed he had wings
Among other things
Which made him a notable host.

There was a young lady from Kerry
Who took a long ride on a ferry
With three Irish rogues
Who wore green Irish brogues
It was more fun than watching the telly!

Young Phil was a man of bad habits
He ran around chasing white rabbits
When he caught one he
Would giggle with glee
Which shocked the conservative Babbitts.

When Coriolanus got banished
The plebeians asked "Why has he vanished?"
"I want Rome to fall,"
Which cast a great pall
Until he was finally out-mannished.

Elmer Gantry said, "Come and be saved!"
Between bottles of booze he had craved.
As he plucked out a cork,
He said "What a dork!
Unashamed of the way he behaved.

Lady Brett never turned down a drink
In Pamplona she caused a great stink
But one day by the pool
She broke her own rule
To not give a hoot what we think.

My daughter just left on a bus
I think she craved more of a fuss
Big city lights
And partying nights
And high-decibel rock were a plus.

How come Mick can't get no satisfaction?
He just sings it to get crowd reaction.
His CDs go gold
And his crew grows old
But they're still a stellar attraction.

"A smile and a shoeshine," said Willy,
"Makes up for no sales in old Philly."
His sons Biff and Happy
Said his life was crappy.
His ending was tragic and chilly.

Aristophanes wrote about frogs
And George Orwell wrote about hogs
E.B. White's little mouse
Was the pride of the house
but Disney drew large spotty dogs

The wicked Cruella de Ville
Always went in for the kill
But some clever Dalmatians
Helped by two big Alsatians
Brought her calculations to nil.

Pinocchio had one desire
His heart and his loins were afire.
"I'm not a mere toy
I should be a real boy,
And my nose? Well, that's 'cause I'm a liar."

"Seven roommates? Oh,dear!" said Snow White.
"I do hope they don't stay up all night.
That snoring and sneezing
And grumping while wheezing
Is gross. But that apple's so bright!"

Bambi's mom met a man and got shot
She was left in the forest to rot.
Then came Thumper and Flower
to that blood-spattered bower
And boy! What a feast they have got!

I saw Obama's wife on Ellen dancing
Surprised at the moves she was chancing.
That won't change my vote
And since I don't emote,
My oinions will not be enhancing.

If I hear one more political rhyme
I'll commit an unspeakable crime
I’ll dip my wick in the gravy
Then maybe - just MAYBE
I'll get away with it this time.

If everyone posted a chapter
and we all perhaps tried to adapt a
clear style and voice
through intelligent choice
we could finish up writing a book together, but fall out over artistic differences, argue over royalties, then it would all end rather messily in the law courts and definitely not happy ever…


"I’m sore," said the schoolmistress sadly
The morning had started quite badly
With coffee a-spillin'
She was almost unwillin'
But soon came to frolic quite madly.

A man with his arm in a sling
said ‘Hello – I’m Emperor Ming
And you must be Flash
If that Dale is your pash
Do you know "Auld Lang Syne?" Let's all sing.'

When Buck Rogers set foot on Mars
He met a green creature called Lars,
A pet of John Carter
A poet and auteur
Who'd lost his way hopping 'tween stars.

When the congressman said to the bun
Of his best looking intern, "What fun."
She responded in style
With a beguiling smile,
"Come closer, you son of a gun!"

A grocer with very large ears
Bought twenty six crates of mixed beers,
A large tin of ham
And some strawberry jam
Which he gave to his saucy cashiers.

When Melville was starting his book
He had Ishmael sharpening a hook
Then Queequeg appeared
And he asked, "Who has steered?"
Melville answered: "Just go take a look!"

Last Wednesday, when reading some Keats
My sister tripped over two seats
She flopped on her belly
And began to read Shelley
While admiring Frankenstein's feats.

e.e.cummings had problems with caps,
and when he wrote them took long naps
in a pretty how town
he dressed in a gown
And with the goat-footed balloon man ran laps.

The last of the Mohicans was sad
that the palefaces were all so bad
Cora's death was a shame
for which I'm not to blame
So let's celebrate in Trinidad.

There once was an octopus cousin
Who had not eight arms but a dozen
He was at Bikini
Where some bomb blasts--not teeny--
Left most of his relatives buzzin'

When Willie padlocked his gym locker
to conceal a halloween shocker
Denise came along
With a red velvet thong
- a gift from a grateful Joe Cocker.

'Could you give me a hand with this moose?
In Alaska the moose are profuse.'
"You field-skin 'em this way."
'Can I sell that on Ebay?'
‘Aye - it can hang on the wall of ye hoose.’

'Could you give me a hand with this moose?
In Alaska the moose are profuse.'
"You field-skin 'em this way."
'Can I sell that on Ebay?'
"It's perfect to adorn my caboose!"

It's getting right down to the wire
That has everybody on fire
Whether plain or with cheese,
What’s wrong with MY LINE please?????
It sucks. Can't you write something slyer?

There once were three men in a tub
In a specialised men only club
Said the first to the second
"It's worse than I reckoned
Now who'll give my feet a good rub?

An itinerent, name of John Casey,
Ate a mushroom and got really spacey
He ripped off his clothes
And licked all his toes
Then chased girls at the local J.C.

Andre, the amorous aardvark
Couldn't travel too far in the dark
He extended his tongue
And located the bung
Of a wine cask of Pinot de Marque

An accountant looked down and he sighed
That God damned spam email had lied
Instead of five million
Or seventeen trillion,
He got an amusement park ride.

Lost love is the saddest of all
when it ends in an eye-gouging brawl
But the saddest bit yet
Is she left with my pet
And my beautiful blue bowling ball.

Felicia went fishing one day
With a babe who looked like Tina Fey
But then she found out
that no fish were about...
So they ended up playing croquet.

A villain called Simon Legree
Ran for Congress in Missouri
Out of respect or fear
And promise of beer
He jumped into the Mississippi

When Suzie the floozie comes callin'
The boys o'er their feet go fallin'
They vie for a chance
For a little romance
And the lonelies go crawlin' home bawlin'.

[... continued.]