wanted: a person to keep me on my toes

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alanna

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I'm writing a young adult fantasy novel right now, and I was wondering if anyone would be willing to read a little bit of what I've got so far and tell me what they think. basically, I've only got about 21k words so far, and I'm reworking the last chapter or so, but I'm looking for someone to tell me if the story has merit, what they think of the style, if the writing is passable...or horrible... anything really. The truth is, I've kind of hit a rut in terms of actually writing it- although I brainstorm all the time! I'm hoping that having someone to critique or discuss it with will help me stay focused. Anyways, it's a working rough draft, has a female heroine and incorportates some ecology into the storyline. There's some family drama, some social aspects, a seemingly impossible task to accomplish, and...other stuff. I hope some of you are interested! Thanks!

-alanna

p.s.- if you don't want to read it, you could help keep me on track by just yelling at me via this thread to get my butt offline and into the story...that helps too, lol!
 

watcher

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Hi Alanna

Here are some thoughts... only you can decide if they are meaningful to you and your story:

I think your writing style is good. I find it highly developed and I also think it flows well.

The idea of talking to elementals caught my attention right away, but after I'd read through two or three paragraphs I was wondering when the protagonist would stop whining and complaining (like an average 17-year-old) and take me with her so I could experience talking to elementals. Everything we experience in life makes us who we are; I was rather disappointed that a teen who talked to elementals wasn't exhibiting any characteristics that hinted she had grown by the experience. I was also wondering if she was going to whine and complain through the whole book.

When she finally did meet some elementals, she said, "Talk to you later." (and continued whining to her friend).

My question is: Have you started the story in the right place?
I see a young teen out in the woods alone at sunrise, at sunset, after a rain, as a cloud moves from the sun, encountering one of her oldest "elemental" friends and maybe talking some of her worries over with them. Worrying about losing their friendship, confessing that she doesn't always acknowledge elementals if she's with one of her "normal" friends.

Just a thought. My guess is that you haven't started your story in the right place.

Take Care,
Faye
 

alanna

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thanks faye! i was actually thinking of cutting most of this scene-especially the part with the pheonix. that just seems like foreshadowing that is way to obvious. and now that you mention it, Raelai is a bit whiny until the third chapter, which i'll definitely keep in mind while i edit it. However, she grows as the story develops. In the beginning she's frustrated and restless because of the life that is being forced on her, and she's an "ordinary" teenager, which means she's prone to a bit of whining. Her character is better explained in the next section, which I'm happy to post if you (or anyone else) would like to read it. And don't worry, there is lots of elemental interaction in the story. Thanks so much for you comments! I really appreciate them.

-alanna
 

mdmkay

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another fantasy fan

I was excited when I saw your post. I just finished writing a young adult fiction that takes place in the Land of Wishes (sounds soppy, but I'm not done yet) Kathy, a 15 y.o, has just moved to a new town when she makes a tearful wish for new friends. ( Don't worry it gets better) When Kad, a young traveler shows up in her room that night to take her to the Mistress of Wishes, Kathy isn't overly impressed. In fact, she thinks he's a nut and gives him to the count of ten to get out of her room before she starts screaming. Kathy's temper doesn't improve much when he grabs her hand and whisks her away to the Unicorn Plains. Kathy's simple wish turns complicated when they become embroiled in finding the Prince and his wounded ambassador to bring an end to the long standing Flef and Elven Wars.

As far as your story hang on to your hat. We'll get the mean stuff out of the way so I can gush over how good you are.
1) You forgot the hook.....the fact that she communicates with the elementals is the hook. What is that like? What are elementals?
2) Who is she? What is she? You need to put some structure around her character
3) Who is Layolk? What is he? (a human, elf, fairy, what?)
4) Break up your sentences. You have way to many and. You also have her trailing off and she's whining so much and not doing anything about it. Not being understood is universal at that age. Constant whining about it is what an adult sees a teen doing; they think they have a pertinent complaint (I think I said that right).

Now for the good stuff. It's an imaginative and original idea. You have my attention wondering about what the elementals are like (I'm imagining like earth, wind, and fire but I can't visualize yet how you are going to take such an abstract concept and make it manageable). It sounds really interesting and you are very talented but like all of us get carried away with the word count. I've read if you go into the editing process planning on slashing approx. 20% of your word count that by the time you've finished, you've ended up with what you need to tell the story effectively without muddying it up with extra dialogue, descriptions, etc. that you don't need, (this especially applies to fiction). Having an outsider critique and edit your work (for free, btw), or putting the manuscript away for a couple of weeks before trying to edit it yourself, is essential for giving yourself some distance to polish your work. Good Luck and if you would ever like a writing partner to exchange ideas, editing, and critiquing, you know where to find me.
Kay
 

Kida Adelyne

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Wow Alanna! This is awsome!

I really like the idea, and your style really intrigues me.
I don't profess to know much of editing or nitpicky things, but as a YA reader I can tell what I like, and when I like somthing I really like to read more of it.
If you want someone to just read it, who's in your aimed reader range, and to nip at your heals a bit and give you encouragement, PM me. I'm good at poking people to write more, and I would love to read this story!

-Ally
 

mdmkay

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My first impression overall was WOW the changes really helped the story along. I'll warn you before I go farther I write in kind of shorthand so if you don't understand what I'm saying just ask.

I thought she was in the house the whole time until she sat on the bank and then the whole thing became less confusing.
Scrubbing or slapping the laundry against the rocks in the stream would clue us in better.
Oldest and dearest friend didn't work right. I thought he was an old human at first not old friend

Omit sentence about being able to open the earth.......doesn't make sense..you don't say who can do it and we assume if she can talk to elementals at this point that she can.

Reword sentence about her hand hurts

3rd from last paraph ...are you going to give her a history of telling lies?
She's much more likable. You need to save that first parag for a flashback a little later on.
You still have to work on that hook and that would be an interaction with an elemental I think would be best

if you can't take constant critism don't marry into MY family
 
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