The 'Advice to Live By' thread.

Bartholomew

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Feel free to add your own. We'll have a compendium someday.

My contribution:

Never make chocolate milk first thing in the morning. You're apt to find you've mixed up the chocolate syrup for the soy sauce. Not realizing the error, your girlfriend with spit brown salt-milk at you, and then womp you repeatedly with a pillow, despite your best attempts to go back to bed.
 

Devil Ledbetter

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you martyr and shine.
Feel free to add your own. We'll have a compendium someday.

My contribution:

Never make chocolate milk first thing in the morning. You're apt to find you've mixed up the chocolate syrup for the soy sauce. Not realizing the error, your girlfriend with spit brown salt-milk at you, and then womp you repeatedly with a pillow, despite your best attempts to go back to bed.
I believe this post belongs in the Dorks Unite thread.

You should have just told her it was soy milk.
 

kalel32

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What doesn't kill you makes your medical bills go up.
 

Maryn

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Never ask a teenage daughter what's wrong with the way you look.

Maryn, who made that mistake only once
 

dpaterso

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Always pay extra to hire a professional, amateur hitmen will get drunk in the nearest bar and spout their dumb mouths off to anyone who listens.

-Derek
 

Angelinity

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never say the word 'bomb' in an airport. even in jest, as in 'what a bomb!'.
 

sunna

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Do not call the nice policeman who pulls you over for speeding "ossifer" as a joke.

Do not play "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" at your dad's 2nd wedding, even if everyone you suggested it to thought it would be funny.
 

CaroGirl

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Cleaning the house before the kids have stopped growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

And, for the writer who likes to actually submit work to agents and editors: Patience is a virtue, a virtue is a grace (there's more, but that's all I can remember from a little book me gran gave me when I was a babe).
 

Silver King

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Never check the level of water in your car battery by using a cigarette lighter as a light source. You'll be sorry, believe me.
 

dobiwon

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Start moving away whenever your wife begins "Does this make me look too...", so that you're out of earshot before the end of the question.
 

Oberon

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I offer the first verse of my latest song:

When you meet somebody new and you wonder what's her story,
And you think you know when she looks you in the eye,
You've just judged a book by its cover,
And what you'll soon discover
Is that covers often lie.
 

Susie

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Never wear dirty underwear. You could have an accident. Did my mom mean an accident in my underwear? :)
 

Maryn

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Don't spray real perfume (as opposed to cologne) in certain private areas, especially if a razor has visited there recently.

Maryn, the voice of experience