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Bartholomew
02-14-2008, 10:37 AM
Feel free to add your own. We'll have a compendium someday.

My contribution:

Never make chocolate milk first thing in the morning. You're apt to find you've mixed up the chocolate syrup for the soy sauce. Not realizing the error, your girlfriend with spit brown salt-milk at you, and then womp you repeatedly with a pillow, despite your best attempts to go back to bed.

Devil Ledbetter
02-14-2008, 03:06 PM
Feel free to add your own. We'll have a compendium someday.

My contribution:

Never make chocolate milk first thing in the morning. You're apt to find you've mixed up the chocolate syrup for the soy sauce. Not realizing the error, your girlfriend with spit brown salt-milk at you, and then womp you repeatedly with a pillow, despite your best attempts to go back to bed.I believe this post belongs in the Dorks Unite (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=92419) thread.

You should have just told her it was soy milk.

Stew21
02-14-2008, 03:43 PM
Words to live by: Never let Bart make chocolate milk for you.

Appalachian Writer
02-14-2008, 05:11 PM
The best revenge is living well. Advice to live by? Advice?

kalel32
02-14-2008, 05:14 PM
What doesn't kill you makes your medical bills go up.

Rolling Thunder
02-14-2008, 05:27 PM
Never make toast in the bathtub.

Maryn
02-14-2008, 05:30 PM
Never ask a teenage daughter what's wrong with the way you look.

Maryn, who made that mistake only once

JoeEkaitis
02-14-2008, 05:38 PM
When you find Mrs. Right, don't be surprised when you discover her first name is "Always."

dpaterso
02-14-2008, 05:41 PM
Always pay extra to hire a professional, amateur hitmen will get drunk in the nearest bar and spout their dumb mouths off to anyone who listens.

-Derek

Jersey Chick
02-14-2008, 05:57 PM
Never, ever leave a can of soda near a remote control with a two year old in the room.

Angelinity
02-14-2008, 06:36 PM
never say the word 'bomb' in an airport. even in jest, as in 'what a bomb!'.

sunna
02-14-2008, 06:46 PM
Do not call the nice policeman who pulls you over for speeding "ossifer" as a joke.

Do not play "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" at your dad's 2nd wedding, even if everyone you suggested it to thought it would be funny.

CaroGirl
02-14-2008, 06:52 PM
Cleaning the house before the kids have stopped growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

And, for the writer who likes to actually submit work to agents and editors: Patience is a virtue, a virtue is a grace (there's more, but that's all I can remember from a little book me gran gave me when I was a babe).

Silver King
02-14-2008, 07:01 PM
Never check the level of water in your car battery by using a cigarette lighter as a light source. You'll be sorry, believe me.

JoeEkaitis
02-14-2008, 08:41 PM
It is always better to wait for a waffle than to make a waffle wait for you.

JLCwrites
02-14-2008, 08:44 PM
NEVER SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS, RATHER LET US PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

Shadow_Ferret
02-14-2008, 09:40 PM
Never accept rides from strangers unless they offer candy first.

dobiwon
02-14-2008, 09:58 PM
Start moving away whenever your wife begins "Does this make me look too...", so that you're out of earshot before the end of the question.

Oberon
02-14-2008, 10:23 PM
I offer the first verse of my latest song:

When you meet somebody new and you wonder what's her story,
And you think you know when she looks you in the eye,
You've just judged a book by its cover,
And what you'll soon discover
Is that covers often lie.

Susie
02-14-2008, 10:43 PM
Never wear dirty underwear. You could have an accident. Did my mom mean an accident in my underwear? :)

PattiTheWicked
02-14-2008, 10:52 PM
Worry less about self-improvement, and spend more time on self-acceptance.

And don't run with scissors.

JoeEkaitis
02-14-2008, 11:34 PM
Be considerate of others. Flush twice. Light a match.

Maryn
02-15-2008, 02:32 AM
Don't spray real perfume (as opposed to cologne) in certain private areas, especially if a razor has visited there recently.

Maryn, the voice of experience

JoeEkaitis
02-15-2008, 03:08 AM
Just because someone put the container on the toilet tank, it doesn't mean Clorox® Wipes are a substitute for Charmin®.