Lords of the Prance

James D. Macdonald · Mar 16, 2005

A new thread for PublishAmerica Poetry (to keep from jamming up the Big Thread in Bewares and Background Check).

Prance, prance, wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the Prance, said he,
I'll prance with you, and you can prance with me,
'Cause Prance On Demand is a POD.

Kevin Yarbrough · Mar 16, 2005

"Heaven "by Warrant

Got a book in the house
the mailman standing by the door
Its black and white and faded
it's looking pretty worn
see my name on the book
my picture on the back
memories are fading
but they're coming back
I don't need to be the "King" of the publishing world
as long as I bring money in for PA's girl

Bookstores are to far away
farther from them everyday
no matter what PA say
I know I won't find a way

I like the way you move
from the shelves
like a rock falling from the sky
when I come in late at night
and you are there still
I write my name in you
hoping someone would take you to the till

Bookstores are to far away
farther from them everyday
no matter what PA say

Now the lights are going out
in the townhouse on the boulevard
memories come rushing back
and they seem really hard
I got nowhere left to go
no one really cares
I don't know what to do
but my book, I'm never giving up on you

Bookstores are to far away
farther from them everyday
no matter what PA say
I know I won't find a way

Bookstores are to farrrrrr awayyyyy, ohhhhh ohhh ohhhh yeah

Sher2 · Mar 16, 2005

As promised, "PA Woman"

Sung to the tune of The Doors' "LA Woman"

PA WOMAN

Well, I just got into town about an hour ago
Took a look around, see which way the wind blow
Where the little girls in their Frederick townhouses
Are you a lucky little lady in the city of scam
Or just another lost angel...city of scam
City of scam, city of flim-flam, city of scam, woo, c'mon.

PA woman, PA woman
PA woman Sunday afternoon
Walk through your darkened doorway
Into your cult, into your cult, yeah
Into your blue-blue cult
Into your cult, ohh, yeah.

I see your hands are reachin'
Eyes are filled with greedy fire
If they say you always loved us
You know they are a liar
Drivin' down your freeways
Midnight alleys roams Larry
Disappearing posts, concrete contracts.
Never saw a woman...

So alone, so alone
Control, money, Willem, madness
Let's change the mood from glad to sadness.

Moeranda risin', Moeranda risin'
Got to keep on risin'
Moeranda risin', Moranda risin'
Mojo risin', gotta mojo risin'
Moeranda risin', gotta keep on risin'
Risin', risin'
Gone risin', risin'
I'm gone risin', risin'
I gotta risin', risin'
Well, risin', risin'
I gotta, wooo, yeah, risin'
Woah, ohhh yeah.

CaoPaux · Mar 16, 2005

*cough* Apologies to the Village People…

*cue disco beat*

Young man, there’s no need to feel blue.
I said, young man, rejection’s not about you.
I said, young man, keep sendin’ it out
There’s no need to go P.O.D.

Young man, there’s a place to avoid.
I said, young man, I know you’re annoyed
But if you go there, you’ll lose any chance
To join the published authors’ dance.

Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
They’ll keep you tied up for a full seven years
And play upon all your worst fears…

Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
They don’t care what they print, the good or the bad
If they accept it, I’m afraid you’ve been had…

Young man, are you listening to me?
I said, young man, are you an author to be?
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams.
But you got to know this one thing!

No one does it all by himself.
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf,
And keep up the subbing, commercially.
If you’re good you’ll picked up one day.

Just keep away from it: That Scam P.A.
Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
They’ll keep you tied up for a full seven years
And play upon all your worst fears…

Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
They don’t care what they print, the good or the bad
If they accept it, I’m afraid you’ve been had…

lindylou45 · Mar 16, 2005

On the Bad Ship POD

On the bad ship POD
It's a sad trip with the big three
Where stooges play
in a nefarious way.

On the bad ship POD
An author I was to be
Where PAvidians pay
To have their posts taken away!

:thankyou:

Sher2 · Mar 16, 2005

lindylou45 said:
On the Bad Ship POD

On the bad ship POD
It's a sad trip with the big three
Where stooges play
in a nefarious way.

On the bad ship POD
An author I was to be
Where PAvidians pay
To have their posts taken away!

Oh, man, are we a talented crew or what? I don't know why we don't have Grammys. :banana:

(One of these days, I'm going to shoot that damn banana.)

Sher2 · Mar 16, 2005

I was going to do "Working on the Chain Gang" but a friend sent me this one today that she'd written about a man who done her wrong. I thought it just screamed to be rewritten for The Stooges.

UNTITLED, to the tune of "You Are My Sunshine"

PA's a dipshit,
A stupid dipshit,
They made you sad instead of glad,
We'll never know, dear, how stupid they truly are,
Because the cops whisked their sorry asses away!

Moondancer · Mar 16, 2005

Humbly submitting some David Bowie

You remind me of the babe.
(What babe?)
The babe with the prance.
(What prance?)
The prance of voodoo.
(Who do?)
You do.
(Do what?)
Remind me of the babe.

I saw my baby, crying hard as babes could cry
What could I do?
My baby's book was scammed
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew!

What kind of magic spell 'd'you use?
Letters or emails
Or hope for jail?
Grammar or spelling
Then baby said
Prance magic, prance (prance magic, prance)
Prance magic, prance (prance magic, prance)
Put that baby's spell on me
Prance magic, prance (prance magic, prance)
Prance magic, prance (prance magic, prance)
Put that magic prance on me
Find that book, make it free!

reph · Mar 17, 2005

Do You Hear the Writers Scream?

(After "Do You Hear the People Sing?" – Les Misérables)

Do you hear the writers scream?
Screaming from Maine to Timbuctu?
They all thought their books would be displayed
On shelves and bought by me and you.
When their seven years are up,
They will be free to chase their dreams,
But that's a very long time to hear
All those writers' screams!

James D. Macdonald · Mar 17, 2005

I'm going to bring three down from the Big Thread:

("Shall We Prance" from The Fink and I)

Shall we prance? Shall we prance?
With a POD that's not a POD?
Shall we prance? Shall we prance?
Or shall we take that tone that cannot be?
At first glance
They said that they would never charge a fee.
Now we find that we've been played
So we start our escapade
When we awaken from their trance.
'Though they try their weird psychology
They won't get a meek apology,
Shall we prance? Shall we prance? Shall we prance?

("I Could Have Pranced All Night" from My Fair Willem)

I could have pranced all night
I could have pranced all night
And still have pranced some more!
I could have sold my books
But they were held by crooks
Who'd ne'er sold books before.
All the time I paid for prime promotion,
Until one day I saw the light
Suffice it to say,
That when I felt that way,
I could have pranced, pranced, pranced all night!

To the tune of "Jolene" (Dolly Parton):

PA, PA, PA, PA
I'm begging of you please give back my book
PA, PA, PA, PA
It's not in stores no matter where I look.

Your homepage is the site of sites
With promises of 'Up in Lights'
And bookstore signings nearly every day,
You said you aren't a vanity,
Which I believed, oh silly me!
I thought you were traditional, PA.

But no one will review my tome
From Sarasota up to Nome,
And bookstore owners hope I'll go away;
My mom and dad both bought a case
Now they won't look me in the face,
You don't know what you did to me, PA.

PA, PA, PA, PA
I'm begging of you please give back my book
PA, PA, PA, PA
It's not in stores no matter where I look.

I could have really pubbed my work
But now I feel just like a jerk,
The Info Center led me all astray.
I earned nine cents in royalties;
I'm asking you now, pretty please,
Give me the rights back to my book, PA.

PA, PA, PA, PA
I'm begging of you please give back my book
PA, PA, PA, PA
It's not in stores no matter where I look.

PA, PA....

What this prancing is all about:

From PA's "Facts and Figures" page:

FACT #5: PublishAmerica is NOT in any way a POD, vanity prance, or subsidy prancer, and has nothing in common with them. Obviously, our authors are also not prancing. In the most commonly used context, POD indicates "Prance On Demand", or vanity prancing. Vanity prancers charge for their "services". Some charge a few hundred dollars, others a thousand or more. We are not in that league, in any way, shape or fashion.

Kevin Yarbrough · Mar 17, 2005

Some more Village People

YMPA
you know I'm talking about
YMPA yeah, yeah

OK, I'm done. Can't remember no more from the song.

Moondancer · Mar 17, 2005

Kevin Yarbrough said:
Some more Village People

YMPA
you know I'm talking about
YMPA yeah, yeah

OK, I'm done. Can't remember no more from the song.

It made me chuckle so it was enough. Thanks, I needed that.

maestrowork · Mar 17, 2005

PA (sung to the tune of "Feeling")

PA
Nothing more than PA
Why should we all buy our own books?
Why should that be?
PA, woe, woe, woe
PA, woe, woe, woe
PA.
Why should I care?

Moondancer · Mar 17, 2005

From Lightning Crashes

PA prances, a new author cries
her hopes fall to the floor
the author opens her eyes
the reality sets in
before the bookstore can even close the door

PA prances, an old author flies
her intentions gone through the door
the author closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now, to the new authors on the list

oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
new scams pullin' from the center of PA again
I can feel it.

PA prances, a new author cries
this moment she's been waiting for
another author opens her eyes
wet red-rimmed eyes,
presents the scam
and hides the shame out of sight, hide

lindylou45 · Mar 17, 2005

To the tune of “Won’t you be my neighbor?”

It’s a wonderful day in PA land
A wonderful day in PA land
Could you be, would you be
An author?

You’ve nothing to fear in PA land
The stooges are here in PA land
Could you be, would you be
An author?

We have employees galore
Please don’t be a bore!
Could you be, would you be
An author?

Oh Larry, Curlem and Moe-randa
They’ll never give you a handa
But they’ll print your books
And act like crooks!
Oh won’t you be an author?!

:Guitar:

Sher2 · Mar 17, 2005

maestrowork said:
PA (sung to the tune of "Feeling")

PA
Nothing more than PA
Why should we all buy our own books?
Why should that be?
PA, woe, woe, woe
PA, woe, woe, woe
PA.
Why should I care?

Oh, dear, Maestro -- I'm going to have to give you a vote for "most maudlin" so far. I do feel your pain, though.

Sher2 · Mar 17, 2005

Moondancer said:
From Lightning Crashes
PA prances, a new author cries
this moment she's been waiting for
another author opens her eyes
wet red-rimmed eyes,
presents the scam
and hides the shame out of sight, hide

Very nice, Moondancer.

And Lindylou, "It's a Wonderful Day..." is too, too catchy. Unfortunately, it reminds me a lot of that damn purple dinosaur song. :banana:

(I know, I know, I used the freakin' banana again. He's annoying as hell, but he is cute.)

maestrowork · Mar 17, 2005

Getting Published by PA from My Fair Authors

I'm getting published by PA
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime
Put up the cover
let's do the cha cha
So get me published by PA

I'm getting published by PA
cough it up, buy the books on my dime
It's not such a whopper
just $25, book lovers
So get my published by PA

Moondancer · Mar 18, 2005

Sher2 said:
And Lindylou, "It's a Wonderful Day..." is too, too catchy. Unfortunately, it reminds me a lot of that damn purple dinosaur song. QUOTE]

I hate that song, too. Fortunately my grandsons agree with me.

James D. Macdonald · Mar 18, 2005

From The Wizard of Poz:

Weasel word, tricky phrase,
We don't break many laws,
That's the webpage that we post
In the merry old land of Poz.

Send your work, contract's next,
With many a sneaky clause,
That's the way we reel them in
In the merry old land of Poz.

Grammar check,
Spell check too,
We work without a pause,
That's the way we edit books
In the merry old land of Poz.

Resonate, like a glove,
(A phrase that really gnaws) --
That's our standard press release
In the merry old land of Poz.

Exploit here, drama there,
Don't take that tone because,
That's the voice of AST
In the merry old land of Poz.

Tee hee hee, ho ho ho,
And a couple of ha ha has,
That's how we laugh down to the bank
In the merry old land of Poz.

Ed Williams · Mar 18, 2005

"Prance With Me" (an early day ode from Larry to Curlem)

(sung to the tune of Orleans, "Dance With Me")

Prance with me,
I want to be your partner,
Can't you see?
Literature we can slaughter,
POD is calling, our authors will be squawling,
Prance with me.

Let's pretend,
That we are legit,
After our authors sign,
They'll learn the real sh**,
The money is good, can we help it we're hoods?
Prance with me.

Bridge:

We'll buy condos and brownstones,
Hire shifty editors, train 'em to be our clones,
We might even hire someone named Moeeeeeeeee - oh, oh, oh...

Ed Williams · Mar 18, 2005

"Prancing Through The Snow.."

(...to the tune of Jingle Bells...)

Prancing through the snow,
With a book that's POD,
It's obvious the difference,
Resonate that, you flea!

Curlem collects the cash,
Larry keeps the books,
Moe-randa just laughs out loud,
They're such a bunch of crooks!

Chorus:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
PA's swell,
An author's hell,
That's true every day,
To get my books,
In a real bookstore,
My own money I'll have to pay - hey!
PA's swell,
An author's hell,
And there's more I could say,
But if I do so,
My posts will go,
And a basher I'll become today!

Second verse:

It's lucky in this snow,
That I won't suffer any burns,
Nothing singes me more,
Than that damn "no returns,"
It's gotta get better,
For it's my goal you see,
To sell more copies of my book,
Than that damn Travis Tea!

(Repeat chorus...)

Moondancer · Mar 18, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
From The Wizard of Poz:

Weasel word, tricky phrase,

We don't break many laws,
That's the webpage that we post
In the merry old land of Poz.

Send your work, contract's next,
With many a sneaky clause,
That's the way we reel them in
In the merry old land of Poz.

Grammar check,
Spell check too,
We work without a pause,
That's the way we edit books
In the merry old land of Poz.

Resonate, like a glove,
(A phrase that really gnaws) --
That's our standard press release
In the merry old land of Poz.

Exploit here, drama there,
Don't take that tone because,
That's the voice of AST
In the merry old land of Poz.

Tee hee hee, ho ho ho,
And a couple of ha ha has,
That's how we laugh down to the bank
In the merry old land of Poz.

Okay, I think that's enough to say "I love it!"

Sher2 · Mar 18, 2005

Goin' to the Printer

To the tune of, "Goin' to the Chapel"

:LilLove:

Going to the printer
And we’re gonna get cheated
Going to the printer
And we’re gonna get cheated

Gee, we did believe you
We were gonna get published
Going to the POD press instead.

Spring is here
The sky is blue
Birds all sing
Like they do
Today’s the day
Publication is due
And we’ll never be happy any more

Because we’re
Taken to the cleaners
And we’re gonna get reamed
Going to the townhouse
And we’re gonna get cheated blind

PA, I really hate you
And we’re gonna have war
Going to the printer today

Bells will ring
The sun will shine
I’ll be blue
And, PA, so will you
We’ll fight until
The end of time
And you'll never, ever scam me any more

Because we’re
Going to the courthouse
And you’re gonna get sued
Going to the sheriff
And you’re gonna get served

lindylou45 · Mar 18, 2005

To the tune of “Fame”

Shame!

I wanted to write forever,
I wanted to use my own name! Name!
My contract I now want to sever,
I never expected this shame! Shame!

Remember, remember, remember, remember my shame!

To the tune of “Please don’t say you love me”

Please don’t say I’m published, Larry
I know it just ain’t true.
I thoroughly read your website,
But didn’t have a clue
Release me! Release me!

Please don’t say I’m published, Moe-randa
It was all a trick.
The fact you’ve moved your offices
Makes me want to hurl a brick!
Release me! Release me!

Please don’t say I’m published, Curlem
You stupid S-O-B.
You said you were traditional,
But you’re nothing but P-O-D!
Release me! Release me!
Releeeeeaaaasssse Meeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Lords of the Prance

Your Genial Uncle

Will write for peace of mind

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Mostly Harmless

The Stooge Slayer

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Fig of authority

Your Genial Uncle

Will write for peace of mind

Fear the Death Ray

The Stooge Slayer

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Fear the Death Ray

Your Genial Uncle

Auroraless ExPAtriate

The Stooge Slayer