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James D. Macdonald
03-17-2005, 12:24 AM
A new thread for PublishAmerica Poetry (to keep from jamming up the Big Thread in Bewares and Background Check).


Prance, prance, wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the Prance, said he,
I'll prance with you, and you can prance with me,
'Cause Prance On Demand is a POD.

Kevin Yarbrough
03-17-2005, 12:43 AM
"Heaven "by Warrant

Got a book in the house
the mailman standing by the door
Its black and white and faded
it's looking pretty worn
see my name on the book
my picture on the back
memories are fading
but they're coming back
I don't need to be the "King" of the publishing world
as long as I bring money in for PA's girl

Bookstores are to far away
farther from them everyday
no matter what PA say
I know I won't find a way

I like the way you move
from the shelves
like a rock falling from the sky
when I come in late at night
and you are there still
I write my name in you
hoping someone would take you to the till

Bookstores are to far away
farther from them everyday
no matter what PA say

Now the lights are going out
in the townhouse on the boulevard
memories come rushing back
and they seem really hard
I got nowhere left to go
no one really cares
I don't know what to do
but my book, I'm never giving up on you

Bookstores are to far away
farther from them everyday
no matter what PA say
I know I won't find a way

Bookstores are to farrrrrr awayyyyy, ohhhhh ohhh ohhhh yeah

Sher2
03-17-2005, 12:58 AM
Sung to the tune of The Doors' "LA Woman"

PA WOMAN

Well, I just got into town about an hour ago
Took a look around, see which way the wind blow
Where the little girls in their Frederick townhouses
Are you a lucky little lady in the city of scam
Or just another lost angel...city of scam
City of scam, city of flim-flam, city of scam, woo, c'mon.

PA woman, PA woman
PA woman Sunday afternoon
Walk through your darkened doorway
Into your cult, into your cult, yeah
Into your blue-blue cult
Into your cult, ohh, yeah.

I see your hands are reachin'
Eyes are filled with greedy fire
If they say you always loved us
You know they are a liar
Drivin' down your freeways
Midnight alleys roams Larry
Disappearing posts, concrete contracts.
Never saw a woman...

So alone, so alone
Control, money, Willem, madness
Let's change the mood from glad to sadness.

Moeranda risin', Moeranda risin'
Got to keep on risin'
Moeranda risin', Moranda risin'
Mojo risin', gotta mojo risin'
Moeranda risin', gotta keep on risin'
Risin', risin'
Gone risin', risin'
I'm gone risin', risin'
I gotta risin', risin'
Well, risin', risin'
I gotta, wooo, yeah, risin'
Woah, ohhh yeah.

CaoPaux
03-17-2005, 01:00 AM
*cough* Apologies to the Village PeopleÖ

*cue disco beat*

Young man, thereís no need to feel blue.
I said, young man, rejectionís not about you.
I said, young man, keep sendiní it out
Thereís no need to go P.O.D.

Young man, thereís a place to avoid.
I said, young man, I know youíre annoyed
But if you go there, youíll lose any chance
To join the published authorsí dance.

Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
Theyíll keep you tied up for a full seven years
And play upon all your worst fearsÖ

Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
They donít care what they print, the good or the bad
If they accept it, Iím afraid youíve been hadÖ

Young man, are you listening to me?
I said, young man, are you an author to be?
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams.
But you got to know this one thing!

No one does it all by himself.
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf,
And keep up the subbing, commercially.
If youíre good youíll picked up one day.

Just keep away from it: That Scam P.A.
Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
Theyíll keep you tied up for a full seven years
And play upon all your worst fearsÖ

Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
Keep far away from it: That Scam P.A.
They donít care what they print, the good or the bad
If they accept it, Iím afraid youíve been hadÖ

lindylou45
03-17-2005, 04:26 AM
On the Bad Ship POD

On the bad ship POD
It's a sad trip with the big three
Where stooges play
in a nefarious way.

On the bad ship POD
An author I was to be
Where PAvidians pay
To have their posts taken away!

:thankyou:

Sher2
03-17-2005, 04:57 AM
On the Bad Ship POD

On the bad ship POD
It's a sad trip with the big three
Where stooges play
in a nefarious way.

On the bad ship POD
An author I was to be
Where PAvidians pay
To have their posts taken away!

:thankyou:
Oh, man, are we a talented crew or what? I don't know why we don't have Grammys. :banana: (One of these days, I'm going to shoot that damn banana.)

Sher2
03-17-2005, 05:02 AM
I was going to do "Working on the Chain Gang" but a friend sent me this one today that she'd written about a man who done her wrong. I thought it just screamed to be rewritten for The Stooges.

UNTITLED, to the tune of "You Are My Sunshine"

PA's a dipshit,
A stupid dipshit,
They made you sad instead of glad,
We'll never know, dear, how stupid they truly are,
Because the cops whisked their sorry asses away!

Moondancer
03-17-2005, 05:26 AM
Humbly submitting some David Bowie

You remind me of the babe.
(What babe?)
The babe with the prance.
(What prance?)
The prance of voodoo.
(Who do?)
You do.
(Do what?)
Remind me of the babe.

I saw my baby, crying hard as babes could cry
What could I do?
My baby's book was scammed
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew!

What kind of magic spell 'd'you use?
Letters or emails
Or hope for jail?
Grammar or spelling
Then baby said
Prance magic, prance (prance magic, prance)
Prance magic, prance (prance magic, prance)
Put that baby's spell on me
Prance magic, prance (prance magic, prance)
Prance magic, prance (prance magic, prance)
Put that magic prance on me
Find that book, make it free!

reph
03-17-2005, 01:29 PM
(After "Do You Hear the People Sing?" Ė Les Misťrables)

Do you hear the writers scream?
Screaming from Maine to Timbuctu?
They all thought their books would be displayed
On shelves and bought by me and you.
When their seven years are up,
They will be free to chase their dreams,
But that's a very long time to hear
All those writers' screams!

James D. Macdonald
03-17-2005, 03:48 PM
I'm going to bring three down from the Big Thread:

("Shall We Prance" from The Fink and I)
Shall we prance? Shall we prance?
With a POD that's not a POD?
Shall we prance? Shall we prance?
Or shall we take that tone that cannot be?
At first glance
They said that they would never charge a fee.
Now we find that we've been played
So we start our escapade
When we awaken from their trance.
'Though they try their weird psychology
They won't get a meek apology,
Shall we prance? Shall we prance? Shall we prance?

("I Could Have Pranced All Night" from My Fair Willem)


I could have pranced all night
I could have pranced all night
And still have pranced some more!
I could have sold my books
But they were held by crooks
Who'd ne'er sold books before.
All the time I paid for prime promotion,
Until one day I saw the light
Suffice it to say,
That when I felt that way,
I could have pranced, pranced, pranced all night!

To the tune of "Jolene" (Dolly Parton):
PA, PA, PA, PA
I'm begging of you please give back my book
PA, PA, PA, PA
It's not in stores no matter where I look.

Your homepage is the site of sites
With promises of 'Up in Lights'
And bookstore signings nearly every day,
You said you aren't a vanity,
Which I believed, oh silly me!
I thought you were traditional, PA.

But no one will review my tome
From Sarasota up to Nome,
And bookstore owners hope I'll go away;
My mom and dad both bought a case
Now they won't look me in the face,
You don't know what you did to me, PA.

PA, PA, PA, PA
I'm begging of you please give back my book
PA, PA, PA, PA
It's not in stores no matter where I look.

I could have really pubbed my work
But now I feel just like a jerk,
The Info Center led me all astray.
I earned nine cents in royalties;
I'm asking you now, pretty please,
Give me the rights back to my book, PA.


PA, PA, PA, PA
I'm begging of you please give back my book
PA, PA, PA, PA
It's not in stores no matter where I look.

PA, PA....

What this prancing is all about:

From PA's "Facts and Figures" page:


FACT #5: PublishAmerica is NOT in any way a POD, vanity prance, or subsidy prancer, and has nothing in common with them. Obviously, our authors are also not prancing. In the most commonly used context, POD indicates "Prance On Demand", or vanity prancing. Vanity prancers charge for their "services". Some charge a few hundred dollars, others a thousand or more. We are not in that league, in any way, shape or fashion.

Kevin Yarbrough
03-17-2005, 05:13 PM
Some more Village People

YMPA
you know I'm talking about
YMPA yeah, yeah

OK, I'm done. Can't remember no more from the song.

Moondancer
03-17-2005, 06:20 PM
Some more Village People

YMPA
you know I'm talking about
YMPA yeah, yeah

OK, I'm done. Can't remember no more from the song.

It made me chuckle so it was enough. Thanks, I needed that.

maestrowork
03-17-2005, 06:42 PM
PA (sung to the tune of "Feeling")

PA
Nothing more than PA
Why should we all buy our own books?
Why should that be?
PA, woe, woe, woe
PA, woe, woe, woe
PA.
Why should I care?

Moondancer
03-17-2005, 10:22 PM
From Lightning Crashes

PA prances, a new author cries
her hopes fall to the floor
the author opens her eyes
the reality sets in
before the bookstore can even close the door

PA prances, an old author flies
her intentions gone through the door
the author closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now, to the new authors on the list

oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
new scams pullin' from the center of PA again
I can feel it.

PA prances, a new author cries
this moment she's been waiting for
another author opens her eyes
wet red-rimmed eyes,
presents the scam
and hides the shame out of sight, hide

lindylou45
03-18-2005, 03:00 AM
To the tune of ďWonít you be my neighbor?Ē

Itís a wonderful day in PA land
A wonderful day in PA land
Could you be, would you be
An author?

Youíve nothing to fear in PA land
The stooges are here in PA land
Could you be, would you be
An author?

We have employees galore
Please donít be a bore!
Could you be, would you be
An author?

Oh Larry, Curlem and Moe-randa
Theyíll never give you a handa
But theyíll print your books
And act like crooks!
Oh wonít you be an author?!

:Guitar:

Sher2
03-18-2005, 04:43 AM
PA (sung to the tune of "Feeling")

PA
Nothing more than PA
Why should we all buy our own books?
Why should that be?
PA, woe, woe, woe
PA, woe, woe, woe
PA.
Why should I care?
Oh, dear, Maestro -- I'm going to have to give you a vote for "most maudlin" so far. I do feel your pain, though. ;)

Sher2
03-18-2005, 04:47 AM
From Lightning Crashes
PA prances, a new author cries
this moment she's been waiting for
another author opens her eyes
wet red-rimmed eyes,
presents the scam
and hides the shame out of sight, hide
Very nice, Moondancer.

And Lindylou, "It's a Wonderful Day..." is too, too catchy. Unfortunately, it reminds me a lot of that damn purple dinosaur song. :banana: (I know, I know, I used the freakin' banana again. He's annoying as hell, but he is cute.)

maestrowork
03-18-2005, 05:13 AM
Getting Published by PA from My Fair Authors

I'm getting published by PA
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime
Put up the cover
let's do the cha cha
So get me published by PA

I'm getting published by PA
cough it up, buy the books on my dime
It's not such a whopper
just $25, book lovers
So get my published by PA

Moondancer
03-18-2005, 02:32 PM
[QUOTE=Sher2]
And Lindylou, "It's a Wonderful Day..." is too, too catchy. Unfortunately, it reminds me a lot of that damn purple dinosaur song. QUOTE]

I hate that song, too. Fortunately my grandsons agree with me.

James D. Macdonald
03-18-2005, 06:21 PM
From The Wizard of Poz:


Weasel word, tricky phrase,
We don't break many laws,
That's the webpage that we post
In the merry old land of Poz.

Send your work, contract's next,
With many a sneaky clause,
That's the way we reel them in
In the merry old land of Poz.

Grammar check,
Spell check too,
We work without a pause,
That's the way we edit books
In the merry old land of Poz.

Resonate, like a glove,
(A phrase that really gnaws) --
That's our standard press release
In the merry old land of Poz.

Exploit here, drama there,
Don't take that tone because,
That's the voice of AST
In the merry old land of Poz.

Tee hee hee, ho ho ho,
And a couple of ha ha has,
That's how we laugh down to the bank
In the merry old land of Poz.

Ed Williams
03-18-2005, 07:37 PM
(sung to the tune of Orleans, "Dance With Me")

Prance with me,
I want to be your partner,
Can't you see?
Literature we can slaughter,
POD is calling, our authors will be squawling,
Prance with me.

Let's pretend,
That we are legit,
After our authors sign,
They'll learn the real sh**,
The money is good, can we help it we're hoods?
Prance with me.

Bridge:

We'll buy condos and brownstones,
Hire shifty editors, train 'em to be our clones,
We might even hire someone named Moeeeeeeeee - oh, oh, oh...

Ed Williams
03-18-2005, 07:41 PM
(...to the tune of Jingle Bells...)

Prancing through the snow,
With a book that's POD,
It's obvious the difference,
Resonate that, you flea!

Curlem collects the cash,
Larry keeps the books,
Moe-randa just laughs out loud,
They're such a bunch of crooks!

Chorus:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
PA's swell,
An author's hell,
That's true every day,
To get my books,
In a real bookstore,
My own money I'll have to pay - hey!
PA's swell,
An author's hell,
And there's more I could say,
But if I do so,
My posts will go,
And a basher I'll become today!

Second verse:

It's lucky in this snow,
That I won't suffer any burns,
Nothing singes me more,
Than that damn "no returns,"
It's gotta get better,
For it's my goal you see,
To sell more copies of my book,
Than that damn Travis Tea!

(Repeat chorus...)

Moondancer
03-18-2005, 07:56 PM
From The Wizard of Poz:




Weasel word, tricky phrase,

We don't break many laws,
That's the webpage that we post
In the merry old land of Poz.

Send your work, contract's next,
With many a sneaky clause,
That's the way we reel them in
In the merry old land of Poz.

Grammar check,
Spell check too,
We work without a pause,
That's the way we edit books
In the merry old land of Poz.

Resonate, like a glove,
(A phrase that really gnaws) --
That's our standard press release
In the merry old land of Poz.

Exploit here, drama there,
Don't take that tone because,
That's the voice of AST
In the merry old land of Poz.

Tee hee hee, ho ho ho,
And a couple of ha ha has,
That's how we laugh down to the bank
In the merry old land of Poz.

:thankyou::hooray: :hooray: :hooray: :Clap: :Clap: :Clap:

Okay, I think that's enough to say "I love it!"

Sher2
03-18-2005, 11:22 PM
To the tune of, "Goin' to the Chapel"

:LilLove:
Going to the printer
And weíre gonna get cheated
Going to the printer
And weíre gonna get cheated

Gee, we did believe you
We were gonna get published
Going to the POD press instead.

Spring is here
The sky is blue
Birds all sing
Like they do
Todayís the day
Publication is due
And weíll never be happy any more

Because weíre
Taken to the cleaners
And weíre gonna get reamed
Going to the townhouse
And weíre gonna get cheated blind

PA, I really hate you
And weíre gonna have war
Going to the printer today

Bells will ring
The sun will shine
Iíll be blue
And, PA, so will you
Weíll fight until
The end of time
And you'll never, ever scam me any more

Because weíre
Going to the courthouse
And youíre gonna get sued
Going to the sheriff
And youíre gonna get served

lindylou45
03-19-2005, 12:56 AM
To the tune of ďFameĒ

Shame!

I wanted to write forever,
I wanted to use my own name! Name!
My contract I now want to sever,
I never expected this shame! Shame!

Remember, remember, remember, remember my shame!




To the tune of ďPlease donít say you love meĒ

Please donít say Iím published, Larry
I know it just ainít true.
I thoroughly read your website,
But didnít have a clue
Release me! Release me!

Please donít say Iím published, Moe-randa
It was all a trick.
The fact youíve moved your offices
Makes me want to hurl a brick!
Release me! Release me!

Please donít say Iím published, Curlem
You stupid S-O-B.
You said you were traditional,
But youíre nothing but P-O-D!
Release me! Release me!
Releeeeeaaaasssse Meeeeeeeeeeee!!!

BradyH1861
03-19-2005, 12:59 AM
:banana:

Sher2
03-19-2005, 02:01 AM
"You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" -- B T O(ooooooo-baby)

I met a devil woman,
She took my pride away,
She said I had it comin' to me,
I must have wanted it that way.
I thought any book is good books, and
So I took what I could get, mmh,
Oooh, oooh, she looked at me with lying eyes
And said:

You ain't seen nothin' yet,
B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen nothin' yet,
Here's something that you never gonna forget,
B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen your contract yet.
And now I'm feelin' worse,
'Cause I found out for sure.
She put on me a devil curse
And told me there's no cure.
Moeranda said I'd resonate
So I took what I could get, mmh,
Oooh, oooh, she looked at me with soulless eyes
And said:

You ain't seen nothin' yet,
B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen nothin' yet,
Here's something that you never gonna get,
B-B-B-Baby, a contract with a company that's got a rep.
I thought it was a good deal
So I took what I could get, mmh,
Oooh, oooh, 'til she looked at me with greedy eyes
And said:

You ain't seen nothin' yet,
B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen nothin' yet,
Here's Willem, a face you never gonna forget,
B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen nothin' yet.

lindylou45
03-19-2005, 02:24 AM
[COLOR=NavyAnd Lindylou, "It's a Wonderful Day..." is too, too catchy. Unfortunately, it reminds me a lot of that damn purple dinosaur song.

I didn't know Mr. Rogers was a purple dinosaur! :Wha: I guess you learn something new every day! BTW, I always hated Barney, too!

lindylou45
03-19-2005, 02:30 AM
"You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" -- B T O(ooooooo-baby)

Good one Sher2! But are you just trying to impress Ed? :scared:

Sher2
03-19-2005, 02:42 AM
Good one Sher2! But are you just trying to impress Ed? :scared:
No, honey, I don't think they're handing out Brownie points for this stuff. :ROFL: I'm just in a VERY good mood today.

Renee
03-19-2005, 06:37 AM
Eye of the Liar - Survivor

Risin' up, back on the street
Signed with PA, took my chances
Served my time, now I'm back on my feet
Just a woman with a will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You sign that dumb *** contract
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

CHORUS:
It's the eye of the liar, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of P.O.D
And the last known Clopper stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eyes of a liar

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

CHORUS

Risin' up, 'least that's what we thought
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a shity printer with a will to survive

CHORUS
Clopper's got
the eyes of a liar...

Sher2
03-19-2005, 07:03 AM
Eye of the Liar - Survivor
Risin' up, 'least that's what we thought
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a shity printer with a will to survive

CHORUS
Clopper's got
the eyes of a liar...
Good job, Renee. I was working on "Lady in Red", couldn't get past Larry in a red dress dancing cheek to cheek with Willem when Moeranda, looking particularly fine tonight, tries to cut in and a brawl ensues. I think I'll just trash that one.

Sher2
03-19-2005, 07:17 AM
Formerly, "Roll Over, Beethoven," Chuck Berry

"Roll Over, PA"


Iím gonna write a little book,
Gonna mail it on up to PA,
Itís a rockiní good novel worth a look,
I know the right publisher will pay.
Roll over, PA, and cut me a check today.

You know, my temperatureís risiní
My advance done blown my fuse.
My heartís beatiní rhythm
And my soul keeps on singiní the blues.
Roll over, PA, and tell Moeranda the news.

I got the writiní pneumonia,
I need an edit from you,
I think Iím rolliní arthiritis
Spell-check's down and .pdf, too.
Roll over, PA, rockiní Larry two by two.

Well, if you feel you like it
Go get your cover designer, then reel and rock it.
Roll it over and move on up just
A trifle further and reel and rock it,
Roll it over,
Roll over, PA, rockiní in two by two.

Well, early in the morniní Iím a-giviní you a warniní
Donít think I ain't got nothin' to lose,
Hey diddle diddle, I am playiní my fiddle,
Got them no-food, armed convention blues.
Roll over, PA, and tell ol' Willem the news.

You know she wiggles out of trouble like an eel,
Lies like a cheap toupee mop,
She got two crazy partners,
Oughta see íem reel and rock.
Long as she got a dollar the scammin' will never stop.

Roll over, PA,
Roll over, PA,
Roll over, PA,
Roll over, PA,
Roll over, PA, and dig them New Stooge blues.

Moondancer
03-19-2005, 07:26 AM
Sher, I don't think you can top the BTO song. It rocks... in more way than one,lol.

Sher2
03-19-2005, 08:05 AM
Sher, I don't think you can top the BTO song. It rocks... in more way than one,lol.
But I'm on a roll, Miss S. And I want a damn Grammy. :snoopy:

lindylou45
03-19-2005, 10:02 AM
I want a damn Grammy. :snoopy:

And the winner is: Sher2 :Trophy:

Sher2
03-19-2005, 07:13 PM
To the tune of Tina Turner's "Private Dancer"


Well the marks come in this place
And their dreams are all the same
You donít look at their faces
And you donít ask their names
You donít think of them as human
You donít think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the firewall

Weíre your PrOD printer
A printer for money
Weíll do what we want to do
We're your PrOD printer
Prancing for money
Any old manuscript will do

We wanna make a million dollars
We wanna live out by the sea
Have a Jaguar and some vacations
Yeah, we don't do nothin' for free
All the marks come in this place
And their dreams are all the same
You donít look at their faces
And you donít ask their names

Deutschmarks or dollars
American Express will do nicely, thank you
Let me loosen up your collar
Tell me do you want me to spell-check that again

Weíre your PrOD printer
A printer for money
Weíll do what we want to do
We're your PrOD printer
Prancing for money
Any old manuscript will do

Renee
03-19-2005, 09:56 PM
Good job, Renee. I was working on "Lady in Red", couldn't get past Larry in a red dress dancing cheek to cheek with Willem when Moeranda, looking particularly fine tonight, tries to cut in and a brawl ensues. I think I'll just trash that one.

Why thank you, Sher. I do try.

Oh and where the hell is the Lady in Red, you promised me? :Thumbs:
Seriously though, that would be the bomb!

lindylou45
03-20-2005, 10:10 AM
To the tune of ďWe are the Champions.Ē

We are the Publisher

No need to fret it
We promise to edit
But now youíve got to prove we said it.

Chorus:

We are the Publisher, my friends
Weíll keep on screwing you in the end.
We are the publisher, we are the publisher,
No time for losers, whiners or boozers
Cuz we are the publisher, my friends.

You said the contracts suck
The advance was just a buck
Do you really think we give a f***?

***Chorus****

I printed your book
You called me a crook
So your royalties I took

***Chorus****

Your face wears a scowl
Youíve thrown in your towel
You even wrote to Colin Powell.

But we are the publisher, my friend,
Weíll keep on screwing you in the end.
We are the publisher, we are the publisher,
No time for losers, whiners or boozers
Cuz we are the publisher, my friend!

Sher2
03-20-2005, 06:25 PM
To the tune of ďWe are the Champions.Ē
We are the Publisher, my friends
Weíll keep on screwing you in the end.
We are the publisher, we are the publisher,
No time for losers, whiners or boozers
Cuz we are the publisher, my friends.

You said the contracts suck
The advance was just a buck
Do you really think we give a f***?

Now I get it, Linda. Now we know why they won't let us go. It's because they've got a ha -- er, a big wo -- well, they've got a thing for us. They're in lust with us. And who could blame them? Every one of us is worth at least a cool $14.95 to them. Hot properties!;)

Moondancer
03-20-2005, 07:44 PM
It's the eye of the liar, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of P.O.D
And the last known Clopper stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eyes of a liar

Love it.



We are the Publisher, my friends
Weíll keep on screwing you in the end.
We are the publisher, we are the publisher,
No time for losers, whiners or boozers
Cuz we are the publisher, my friends.



Love it.

I'm glad this isn't a contest where we have to vote for the all time best. I'd never be able to choose.

Moondancer
03-20-2005, 09:18 PM
Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true.
Wanted a publisher, never bargained for you.
Lots of people talk but few of them know,
the soul of PA was created below.

You hurt and abuse tellin' all of your lies.
Run around evil 3, Lord how they cultify.
Hateful mean PA, I don't know where you've been.
Gonna nullify you PA, here I come again.

Every day I work so hard, to other authors I say
Try to tell about PA, but you push me away.
Don't know where you're goin', only know just where you've been,
Hateful mean PA, I'll strike again.

Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true.
Wanted a publisher, never bargained for you.
Crucify dissenters, let them say what they will.
Will your site say so much when I send you the bill?

Sher2
03-21-2005, 01:25 AM
99 Effin' Books

99 effin' books on the wall,
99 effin' books,
Shoot one dead,
Off Willem's head,
98 effin' books on the wall.

98 effin' books on the wall,
98 effin' books,
Can't get much deader,
Than Larry's shredder,
97 effin' books on the wall.

97 effin' books on the wall,
97 effin' books,
One went pfutt,
On Moe-randa's butt,
96 effin' books on the wall.

You know the rest -- ad nauseam.

lindylou45
03-21-2005, 03:43 AM
To the tune of "Another Brick in the Wall"

Another Prick in the Hall

We donít need no fornication.
We donít need no birth control.
Clandestine meetings on our message boards.
Willem, leave those authors alone.
Hey, Willem, leave those authors alone!
All in all itís just another prick in the hall.
All in all heís just another prick in the hall.

Weíve been called an abomination
Weíve been stalked by the highway patrol.
Gotta keep the truth from the trolls.
Larry, leave those authors alone.
Hey, Larry, leave those authors alone!
All in all itís just another prick in the hall.
All in all heís just another prick in the hall.

Moondancer
03-21-2005, 03:56 AM
Does this mean y'all left "Stairway to Hell" for me?

Moondancer
03-21-2005, 03:58 AM
Oh, yeah, at this rate we'll have enough songs for the book real soon.

lindylou45
03-21-2005, 04:07 AM
Does this mean y'all left "Stairway to Hell" for me?

You bet'cha!

lindylou45
03-21-2005, 04:08 AM
To the tune of Iím Henry VIII, I Am

Willem the Stooge, I am.

Iím Willem the Stooge, I am!
Willem the Stooge, I am, I am!
Iíve got authors pounding down my door
Theyíve never been published before.
And if everyone was a Willem,
There wouldnít be a Larry or a Moe.
Iím the stooge named Willem,
Willem the stooge, I am!

W-I-L-L-E-M Willem, Willem,
Willem the Stooge, I am, I am!
Willem the Stooge, I am!

lindylou45
03-21-2005, 04:09 AM
Geez! I've got to get back to work on my novel! But I just can't stop!!!

Moondancer
03-21-2005, 04:10 AM
To the tune of Iím Henry VII, I Am

Willem the Stooge, I am.

Iím Willem the Stooge, I am!
Willem the Stooge, I am, I am!
Iíve got authors pounding down my door
Theyíve never been published before.
And if everyone was a Willem,
There wouldnít be a Larry or a Moe.
Iím the stooge named Willem,
Willem the stooge, I am!

W-I-L-L-E-M Willem, Willem,
Willem the Stooge, I am, I am!
Willem the Stooge, I am!

:Guitar: :Jump:

Renee
03-21-2005, 04:21 AM
:roll: **I crack myelf up..lol..**:roll:


Let me give you zeros

Would you prance
if I asked you to prance?
Would you kiss a**
and never look back?
Would you be cruel
if you saw others crying?
And would you save PA's soul tonight?

Would you cancel
all the contracts that laugh through your lips?
Would you smile at the pain you caused the authors?
Oh, please tell me this.
Now would you lie
for the company you loved? (I wouldn't)
Hold that 'lil book in your arms tonight. (But it'll never be just right)

I can give you zeros, baby.
I can kiss away the typos.
I will stand by you for never.
You can take my penthouse away.

Would you swear
that you'll always be in the cult?
Or would you lie?
Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
This board's here tonight.

I can give you zeros, baby.
I can kiss away the typos.
I will stand by you for never.
You can take my penthouse away.

Oh, I just want to screw you over.
I just want to bind your contract.
Is PA just too damn greedy?
Or have they just lost their minds?
I don't care...
Cause this lil 'ol message board's here tonight.

I can give you zeros, baby.
I can kiss away the typos.
I will stand by you for never.
You can take my penthouse away.

I can give you zeros.
I can kiss away the typos.
And I will stand by you for never.
You can take my penthouse away.
You can take my penthouse away.

Let me give you zeros.

Ed Williams
03-21-2005, 04:49 AM
(sung to the tune of "American Pie")

A long, long time ago,
I can remember when that publisher used to make me smile,
And I said if I got a chance,
That I would write and make people prance,
And maybe they'd be happy for awhile.

But my royalty payments made me shiver,
$1.08? I feel it in my liver,
Bad news for my bank,
I can't believe my book has tanked.

I can't remember if I cried,
When I realized how Moe-randa lied,
Now I want to tan all their hides,
The day all my hopes got fried.

Bridge:

So bye, bye Publish America lie,
Tell Curlem and Larry that I bid them goodbye,
From this day foreward my writing will soar,
Cause I've worked my last for that PA whore,
Worked my last for that PA whore...

Second verses:

Did you put together the 200 author book?
God what idiot did that, man they're a schnook,
Traditional publishers say its so,
And do you believe in POD,
And royalties worth little more than pee,
And can you teach me some martial arts, real slow?

Well, I know that I want to kick their ***,
Just fatten their lips, and shut up their sass,
But I figured that I had more class,
The day Publish America lied..

(Repeat bridge)

Renee
03-21-2005, 04:56 AM
Ed, that was hilarious! :roll: :banana:

Ed Williams
03-21-2005, 04:58 AM
...for you on account of you're feeling bad, it'd better be!

:banana:

Renee
03-21-2005, 05:06 AM
...for you on account of you're feeling bad, it'd better be!

:banana:

Thanks Ed! I did need the laugh. :kiss:

My favorite part was the bridge and the second verse.

The following parts OMG..so funny!

And do you believe in POD,
And royalties worth little more than pee,


Well, I know that I want to kick their ***,
Just fatten their lips, and shut up their sass,
But I figured that I had more class,
The day Publish American lied..

Cause I've worked my last for that PA whore,
Worked my last for that PA whore...

---------------------------------------------------------------


It's the eye of the liar, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of P.O.D
And the last known Clopper stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eyes of a liar

Moondancer said:
"Love it."
:roll:

Thanks, that one brought a few laughing tears to my eyes when I wrote it.

KellyS.
03-21-2005, 11:10 AM
I'll add mine:

My brick in the wall rendition is missing. I lost it in the neverending thread somewhere.:Smack:

We don't need your publication
We don't need your thought control
No dark sarcasm from the message board
Hey PA, leave those writers alone

All in all you're just a nuther printer is all.



You can prance if you want to
You can leave your friends behind
For if your friends don't prance
and if they don't prance,
well they no friends of mine
Safety Prance

Had another, Prancing Queen, but I will spare you.

Moondancer
03-21-2005, 04:15 PM
(from Bad Company's Holy Water)

Stagnant Water

In my life, there's been changes
But nothing seems to impair me the way you do, no
You make it easy, the way you abuse me, everytime I email you
You're an abomination, took my dignity and rights
It's a News sensation, you know I'm blinded by PA up in lights

Chorus:
(Feels like) I'm drowning in stagnant water
Feels like I'm swimmin' in a septic tank, PA
(Feels like) I'm drowning in stagnant water, takin' my royalties to the bank

Your abuse I never wanted, never had it so bad 'til I met you, oh no
I get a certain feeling, you got my tenses reeling
Whenever I email you
You're my damnation, I didn't find out in time
My one temptation, you know I don't believe your lies

chorus

Ooh yeah, it's funny how it seems like yesterday, publishin' of the first degree
Resonate was all I heard you say, ooh PA
It's funny what you've done to me, just wanna see you run from me

(Solo)

You're an abomination, took my dignity and rights
It's a News sensation, you know I'm blinded by PA Up in lights

chorus repeats out...

Sher2
03-21-2005, 06:57 PM
(Rolling Stones, "Honky Tonk Women")

"Author Support Women"

I met an ink soaked, bar-room queen in Frederick,
She tried to take me upstairs to meet the boss.
She had to heave me right across her shoulder
ícause I just canít let these folks steal my book.

Itís the Author Support women
Gimme, gimme, gimme the P O D blues.

I e-mailed an editor at PA's brand new office,
I had to put up some kind of a fight.
The lady then she covered me with curses,
She gave me a dollar and then she blew my mind.

Itís the Author Support women
Gimme, gimme, gimme the vanity press blues.

(yeah!) itís Author Support women.
Gimme, gimme, gimme the vanity press blues.

(yeah!) itís the Author Support women.
Gimme, gimme, gimme the vanity press blues

Kevin Yarbrough
03-21-2005, 07:32 PM
We're of to meet the publisher
the wondeful publisher of POZ
because, because, because, because of the wonderful things he does.

At the awards ceremony.

"I would like to thank Travis Tea, our new Toto, for pulling back the curtain and showing us all what the publisher of Poz is really like."

lindylou45
03-22-2005, 07:47 AM
(sung to the tune of "American Pie")

A long, long time ago,
I can remember when that publisher used to make me smile,
And I said if I got a chance,
That I would write and make people prance,
And maybe they'd be happy for awhile.



You are the GOD of POD! :Hail:

lindylou45
03-22-2005, 08:17 AM
To the tune of ďYou are so BeautifulĒ

You are so Pathetic

You are so pathetic to me.
You are so pitiful to me.
Canít you see youíre nothing that I hoped for
And whatís more, youíre nothing that I need.
You are so pathetic, Willem, to me.
Youíre nothing that I hoped for
And whatís more, youíre nothing that I need.
You are so pathetic, Willem, to me.

Such hate and loathing you bring.
I want them to arrest you.
Such hate and loathing you bring,
Just like a nightmare.
Youíre the worst of the scammers
Youíve brought hell to me.
Hey Willem
You are so pathetic.
You are so pathetic.

Liam Jackson
03-22-2005, 11:50 AM
Prancing to the Printer
(to the tune of Going to the Chapel)

Prancing to the printer
And Iím gon--na get published
Prancing to the printer
And Iím gon--na get published

Gee I really love PA
And Iím gon--na get published
Pran--cing to PAaaaa today!

My book is here (ooo-ooo-ooo)
The print is blue (print is blue)
Pirates all sing (oh the pirates all sing)
Like they do (yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Today's the day (wah-hooo-oooo)
I get my dollar too" (ooo-oooo)
And Iíll ne-ver be lone-ly anymore

Because Iím
Prancing to the printer
And Iím gon--na get published
Prancing to the printer
And Iím gon--na get published

Gee I really love PA
And Iím gon--na get published
Pran--cing to the print--er, to-dayyyy

Bells will ring (ri-ii-iing) (bells will ring)
The sun will shine (hey hey hey yeah) (the sun will shine)
I'll be a pirate (yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah) (I'll be a pirate)
And fame will be mine (oh oh oh oh oh oh oh) (and she'll be mine)
Iíll write until (we'll love until) (hey hey hey) (Iíll write until)
The end of time (ooo hooo) (the end of time)
And Iíll ne-ver be lone-ly anymore

Because Iím
Pran--cing to the printer
And Iím gon--na be published
Pran--cing to the printer
And Iím gon--na get published

Sher2
03-22-2005, 07:03 PM
Prancing to the Printer[/size][/font]
(to the tune of Going to the Chapel)

[font=Courier New][size=3]Prancing to the printer
And Iím gon--na get published
Prancing to the printer
And Iím gon--na get published

Dang, Liam, your "Chapel" beats the snot out of my version.;)

Sher2
03-22-2005, 10:04 PM
(To the tune of "Camptown Races")

PA RACES

De PA ladies sing this song,
Doo-da, Doo-da
De PA work shift's all night long
Oh, de doo-da day

Gwine to edit all night
Gwine to spell-check all day
I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag
Somebody gets PA

Oh, de long tailed filly and her bald Stooge honey,
Doo-da, doo-da
Come to a mud hole and dey lost all they money,
Oh, de doo-da day

Gwine to run all night
Gwine to run all day
I see Curlem on a purple pony
Somebody gettin' PA

I went downtown with my hand held out,
Doo-da, doo-da
I came back with a Moe-randa pout
Oh, de doo-da day

Gwine to run all night
Gwine to run all day
Larry done whipped that purple pony
Somebody after PA

victoriastrauss
03-22-2005, 10:44 PM
You. People. Are. SICK!!!!

I have so many tunes stuck in my head now, I have to go take a Valium.

- Victoria

lindylou45
03-22-2005, 10:52 PM
You. People. Are. SICK!!!!

I have so many tunes stuck in my head now, I have to go take a Valium.

- Victoria

Oh come on, you love it and you know it! :hooray: :Guitar:

Moondancer
03-22-2005, 11:33 PM
You. People. Are. SICK!!!!

I have so many tunes stuck in my head now, I have to go take a Valium.

- Victoria

I know what you mean about having them stuck in your head. I haven't needed a radio for a week now.... but it's still fun.

Sher2
03-23-2005, 12:11 AM
("A Piece Of My Heart," Janis Joplin)

"A CHUNK OF MY CHANGE"

Didnít I make you feel, oh Willem, like you were the only printer I ever wanted, that I ever needed?
Oh honey, honey, didnít I give you nearly everything that I ever had to give ?
Oh, you know I did!
But each time I tell myself that I, I think Iíve had enough,
Well, Iím gonna show you, baby, that a writer can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little chunk of my change now, baby!
Break another little bit of my contract now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Read a, read another little piece of my book now, Willem,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Yes indeed, whoaa.

Youíre out on the streets, youíre looking bad,
Honey, deep down inside I know you know you ainít never been right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never hear me cry at night, oh!
Each time I tell myself that I canít stand the pain,
But when you give me some tone, Iíll sing it once again.

Say come on, come on, yeah, come on, come on and take it!
Take another little chunk of my change now, baby.
Break another little piece of my contract, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Read another little piece of my book, baby, baby, baby,
You know you got it, if it makes you feel greed.
I want you to feel greed now, yeah!!!

Say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little chunk of my change now, baby!
Break another little piece of my contract, darling, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Read a, read another little piece of my book, baby, baby, baby.
You know you got it, all right!!!

Say! whoaa, have another little taste of my drama now, Willem,
Break it, break it, break it, I want you to want it, take it out the inside of me,
Have another little piece of my book now, baby, baby, baby.
You know you got it, if it makes you
I want you to feel bad, lord, all right!!!
Yeah!!

Kevin Yarbrough
03-23-2005, 02:35 AM
Here it goes folks, grammy time.


To the tune of Shameless by Garth Brooks

Well I'm shameless
When it comes to prmoting you
I'll do anything you want me to,
I'll do anything at all

And I'm standing here
here for all the world to see
Oh, PA whats left of me
I don't have very far to fall

You know I'm not a man who's ever been
insecure about the POD I've been published in
I don't break easy, I have my pride
But if you need to be satisfied

I'm shameless
PA, I don't have a prayer
every time I get your email
I get down on my knees

You see in all my life I've never found
A POD I couldn't resist, or I couldn't turn down
I could walk away from any other publishers I ever knew
But I can't walk away from you

I have never had had POD have this much control over me
I've worked to hard to call my book my own
And I've made myself a world, and it's worked so perfectly
but it sure won't now, I can't refuse
I've never had so little to loose
And I'm shameless....

You know it should be easy for an author who's strong
to say their sorry or admitt when they have been wrong
I've never wrote anything that would be missed
But I've never been in a POD like this
It's not in bookstores

I'm shameless
I don't have my book now
and I don't want it anyhow so I gotta let it go

And I'm shameless
Shameless as an PA supporter could be
you make a total fool of me
I just wanted you to know
that I'm shameless

Sher2
03-23-2005, 03:39 AM
Here it goes folks, grammy time.
To the tune of Shameless by Garth Brooks

Yeah, okay, you might win. I might still try to beat you by virtue of sheer volume, though. :)

Sher2
03-23-2005, 03:46 AM
("Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall", Bob Dylan)

HARD CHANGE A-GONNA COME

Oh, where have you been, you bald-headed gnome?
Oh, where have you been, you wizened old crone?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains,
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways,
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests,
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans,
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard,
To get to Maryland, and it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard,
And it's a hard change a-gonna come.

Oh, what did you see, you sharp-tongued Hun?
Oh, what did you say, to reply without pun?
I saw a redbrick townhouse with wild jackals all around it
I saw a highway to Frederick with nobody on it,
I saw a room full of young girls with spell-checkers clickin,
I saw women who'd read 'til their eyeballs were a-bleedin',
I saw a white robe all covered with Kool-Aid,
I saw three leaders whose tongues were all forked,
I saw contracts and sharp objects in the hands of pissed-off authors,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
And it's a hard change a-gonna come.

And what did you hear, you untamed shrew?
And what did you reply when they e-mailed you?
I heard the sound of a thunder, it roared out of Larry,
Heard the roar of a curse that could drown the whole world,
Heard one hundred typists whose hands were a-blazin',
Heard eleven thousand beggin' and nobody listenin',
Heard one person starved, I heard Willem was laughin',
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter,
Heard the sound of a novelist who cried in the alley,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
And it's a hard change a-gonna come.

Oh, who did you meet, you grifter and you con?
Who did you meet, you slick, ruthless ones?
I met a young man who was burning his book,
I met an old woman who cussed out the crook,
I met an accountant who'd been cooking PA's books,
I met an insider with a new outlook,
I met a search party with warrants and writs downtown,
I met a federal agent, gonna take you down,
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
It's a hard change a-gonna come.

Oh, what'll you do now, you Stooges Three?
Oh, what'll you do now, can you tell me?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the change starts a-comin',
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest townhouse,
Where the people are many and their hands are all empty,
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their reason,
Where the Website verbiage changes every season,
Where the leaders' faces are always well hidden,
Where the hunger is for money, where souls are forgotten,
Where black is the color, where none is the number,
And I'll tell it and think it and speak it and breathe it,
And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it,
Then I'll stand on the street and watch you sinkin',
But I'll know my song well before I start singin',
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
It's a hard change a-gonna come.

Sher2
03-23-2005, 05:04 AM
(To the tune of "Put Your Lips a Little Closer To the Phone," Jim Reeves)

Put your cold lips a little closer to the phone,
Let me give you just a little sassy tone,
I'll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low,
And you can tell your friend Moe-randa she'll have to go.

Whisper to me how you'll cheat me 'til I'm broke,
And how you'll bind me with my contract 'til I choke,
Though business is tough, make up your mind, I've got to know,
Will you release me or hold me up until I blow?

You can't say the words I want to hear,
While you're monitoring messageboard chatter,
Do you want me living in this deep fear,
Or is it true that it just don't matter?

Larry, put your lizard lips to the phone,
I've a loud whistle that I'll blow when we're all alone,
I'll tell the man to turn the juke box to the max,
While you scream and give to Willem all the facts.

Sher2
03-23-2005, 06:58 AM
(Queen, "We Will Rock You")

WE WILL ROOK YOU

Buddy youíre a boy made a big mistake
Thought you were gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on yoí face
You big disgrace
Sent your book to the wrong damn place

We will we will rook you
We will we will rook you

Buddy youíre a young man who called PA
Shoutiní in the street gonna take on the world some day
You got blood on yoí face
You big disgrace
Waviní your dollar all over the place

We will we will rook you
We will we will rook you

Buddy youíre an old man poor man
Pleadiní with your eyes gonna make you royalties some day

You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
We're PA, we put you back in your place

We will we will rook you
We will we will rook you

Mr Underhill
03-23-2005, 08:24 AM
as sung by Men Without Hearts

We can prance if you want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't prance and if they don't prance
Well they're, no friends of mine

You can sell it if you want to
A place the readers will never find
And you can act like your work is out of this world
Leave the real one far behind

You can print when you want to
The biz is young and youíre a rube
Oh yes the dealís so great you donít want to be late
Just the thing for an eager n00b

Say, you can sell if you want to
If you don't nobody will
We'll just act real rude and totally removed
And you can look like an imbecile

[Refrain:]
And we can prance, we can prance,
Everythingís under control
We can prance, we can prance
Marketing from coast to coast
We can prance, we can prance
Everybody look youíve got books!
We can prance, we can prance
Everybodyís takin' the chance



We can prance if we want to
We've got all your cash and rights
As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it
Swear weíre not a fly-by-night

I say, we can prance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't prance and if they don't prance
Well they're no friends of mine

Liam Jackson
03-23-2005, 02:35 PM
You. People. Are. SICK!!!!

I have so many tunes stuck in my head now, I have to go take a Valium.

- Victoria

High praise indeed! Flattery will you get you everywhere. *wink*

And remember to blame (credit) Jim. He started this mess. We just answered the call.

Mr Underhill
03-24-2005, 12:48 AM
Say these are all great. I'm torn between Liam's "Prancing to the Printer" and "We Will Rook You" as my personal favorites.

Now who around here has some actual performance talent? We should really record some of these for distribution as PSA's.

Sher2
03-24-2005, 01:06 AM
Say these are all great. I'm torn between Liam's "Prancing to the Printer" and "We Will Rook You" as my personal favorites.

Now who around here has some actual performance talent? We should really record some of these for distribution as PSA's.
Yeah, Victoria says we're sick. LOL. She may be right, though -- I'm getting addicted to parody. I think we're looking at a huge pool of untapped talent here, don't you? I'm glad you liked "Rook" and I still think Liam's version of "Prancing" was better than mine. Your "Vanity Prance" rocks as well. God, soon none of us will be able to stop prancing.;)

Renee
03-24-2005, 01:39 AM
"Men Without Hearts," that was a good one! LOL..

Moondancer
03-24-2005, 01:42 AM
Now who around here has some actual performance talent? We should really record some of these for distribution as PSA's.

I vote for Kevin and Ed, Sherry and Mem can do back up. *attempting to look innocent*

Sher2
03-24-2005, 01:49 AM
I vote for Kevin and Ed, Sherry and Mem can do back up. *attempting to look innocent*
Why do I always have to do backup? :banana:

Sher2
03-24-2005, 01:51 AM
("Call Me," Blondie)

SCAM ME

Publish me the traditional way,
Publish up my book,
I thought you were legitimate, PA
But I didn't look.

I didn't know you were vanity,
You pulled one on me,
Insult me in e-mail,
Do not take my calls,
Scam me, you scam me every day and night,
Scam me.

Fix me up a cover, PA,
Make me write a blurb,
Mail a dollar out my way,
You're starting to disturb,
Emotions come I don't know why,
Covering up your alibi,
Scam me 'til I'm feelin' fine
You'll scam me, scam me anytime.

Scam me, oh you crooks,
When you're ready you'll just print the books,
Scam me.

Ooh, PA speaks the languages of love,
Ooh, amore, chiamami chiamami,
Oo, appelle-moi mon cherie, appelle-moi,
Anytime anyplace anywhere anyway,
Anytime anyplace anywhere any day, anyway,
Scam me, I've lost my mind,
Scam me, scam me any anytime
Scam me.

Moondancer
03-24-2005, 01:51 AM
Okay, you and Mem be the lead while Kevin and Ed do backup.

Kevin Yarbrough
03-24-2005, 02:09 AM
Okay, you and Mem be the lead while Kevin and Ed do backup.
I'm not doing backup with Ed on anything. I don't know what he will try to do to me in the back.

Mr Underhill
03-24-2005, 02:12 AM
Okay, you and Mem be the lead while Kevin and Ed do backup.
I call soundboard.

Moondancer
03-24-2005, 02:13 AM
I'll take bass guitar.

Mr Underhill
03-24-2005, 02:15 AM
God, soon none of us will be able to stop prancing.;)

What? And here I thought this was a prancing recovery thread. Good idea calling on a "Higher Power," though.

Sher2
03-24-2005, 02:57 AM
I'll take bass guitar.
I'm singing. Not backup, either.

For Mr. Underhill: I hear that prance recovery is a very long, convoluted process. One day at a time.;)

Sher2
03-24-2005, 03:21 AM
("Last Dance," Donna Summer)


LAST PRANCE

Last prance
Last prance for you
Yes, it's your last chance
For printing tonight

I needed you, by me
Beside me, to guide me
To pay me, to print me
'cause when I'm had
I'm so, so bad

So let's prance, the last prance
Let's prance, the last prance
Let's prance, this last prance tonight

Last prance, last prance for POD
Yes, it's your last chance
for printing outside jail

Oh, PA, you're hated by me
Cheat me, lie to me
Berate me, scold me
'cause when I'm had
I'm so, so bad

So let's prance, the last prance
Let's prance, the last prance
Let's prance, this last prance tonight

Yeah, will you be my printer?
Can you fill my orders?
I can't be sure
No, you're not the one for me
But all that I ask
Is that you prance in shackles with me
Prance with me, prance with me, yeah

Oh I need you shut down
Exposed, arrested
You shouldn't have dared me
'cause when I'm had
I'm so, so bad

So let's prance, this last prance
Let's prance, this last prance
Let's prance, this last prance tonight

Oh I need you shut down
Exposed, locked up
You shouldn't have dared me,
'cause when I'm had
I'm so, so bad

So, come on PA, prance that prance
Come on now, prance that prance
Come on PA, let's prance tonight...

lindylou45
03-25-2005, 03:28 AM
(Queen, "We Will Rock You")

WE WILL ROOK YOU

Buddy youíre a boy made a big mistake
Thought you were gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on yoí face
You big disgrace
Sent your book to the wrong damn place


:Clap: :banana: :hooray: :roll:

Renee
03-27-2005, 11:34 AM
We need more prancing in here!

:)

I'll put something up tomorrow.

Sher2
03-27-2005, 07:57 PM
("Beautiful Loser," Bob Seger)

PITIFUL LOSERS

They want to dream and scam and rabble-rouse,
Without the wisdom of a Random House,
They want their townhome, their security,
They want to live like pirates at sea.
Pitiful losers, when you gonna fall?
Will you realize you just canít have it all?

You'd kill off your oldest and your best friend,
If you need him, heíll rise and be there again,
Heís always willing to be second best,
A perfect author, a perfect pest.
Pitiful losers, read it on the wall,
And realize, you just canít have it all,
...you canít have it all, you canít have it all,
Oh, oh, ... canít have it all.

Theyíll never lack for any enemies,
They'll run the con 'til hell does freeze.
Theyíll always take, theyíll never say please.

Pitiful losers, shouldn't take it all
ícause itís easier, faster when you fall,
You just donít need it all,
Oh, PA ... you just ainít worth it all.

Renee
03-28-2005, 11:56 AM
LOL...Sherry, that is awesome!

Ok, I promised: So I shall deliver the goods, very soon!

Renee
03-28-2005, 12:04 PM
LOL...Sherry, that is awesome!

Ok, I promised: So I shall deliver the goods, very soon!



Burning Fright
**Instead of Burning Bright by Shinedown**

I feel like there is no need for P.O.D.
Some questions are better left without the truth
And I would rather reveal myself than my P.A. situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation


The more the cult shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my P.A. existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my P.A. situation

CHORUS (2) There's nothing ever wrong (with P.O.D) but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know P.O.D crosses the lines its not easy to define
Clopper was born to indecision
There's always something new some path they're supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason CHORUS (2)

Renee
03-28-2005, 12:05 PM
LOL.....

Woo hoo!

Renee
03-28-2005, 12:15 PM
Oh and -

Let's prance.

LOL..

James D. Macdonald
03-28-2005, 02:41 PM
Why are they trying to pull this nonsense with the $5,000 fine?

From the office high atop a Frederick townhouse:


LARRY: More bad news, boss. New submissions are down 40%.

WILLEM: We more than enough still have.

LARRY: It's worse than that; the old ones aren't buying their own books any more. If things don't pick up I may miss some car payments.

JESSICA: If it weren't for bad press we wouldn't have any press at all.

MIRANDA: [looking out window] The big tank (http://www.publishamerica.com/cgi-bin/pamessageboard/data/lounge/7434.htm) we had parked out in the street just got towed.

WILLEM: If I a nickel had for every post that me a fat, incompetent leugenaar called the internet on ...

MIRANDA: A nickel won't be enough. My horse needs an operation.

LARRY: Your mother should have had an operation.

WILLEM: Je hebt het niveau van een poffertje. That our problem to solve helping isn't. Make them pay us to insult.

JESSICA: On it, boss! Let me have one of the junior staffers draw up some new contracts. Let's make them pay ...

LARRY: ... five thousand ...

JESSICA: ... five thousand bucks for every post they make on the internet that tells the truth about us.

MIRANDA: [laughs]

WILLEM: You at me better not again laughing to be, takkewijf.

MIRANDA: No, no, it's just that finally we're going to be making some money from something our authors wrote that other people want to read.

LARRY and JESSICA: [collapse to floor laughing]

WILLEM: Ik hoop oprecht dat je borstkanker krijgt.

James D. Macdonald
03-28-2005, 02:44 PM
Since they realized they're going to need a patsy when the IRS catches up with them.

High in the PublishAmerica townhouse, one spring day:


WILLEM: Pokkenlijder! The stront the fan about to hit is!

LARRY: You said it, Bill. The [bleep!] is about to hit the fan.

MIRANDA: Wait I have an idea!

LARRY: I remember your last idea, about printing the books with disappearing ink so the writers would have to buy even more of them....

MIRANDA: That would have worked! But this is a better idea.

WILLEM: Randdebiel...

MIRANDA: I heard that. I'm not as stupid as you both seem to think...

LARRY and WILLEM: [laugh]

MIRANDA: ... if the [bleep] is about to hit the fan ...

[presses intercom button]

... Jessica, could you come up here please?

Enter JESSICA

JESSICA: Yes?

MIRANDA: Jessica, darling, go stand in front of the fan.

Sher2
03-28-2005, 05:40 PM
Burning Fright
**Instead of Burning Bright by Shinedown**

I like it, Renee. It moves, it's got rhythm and, best of all, you can prance to it. :Clap:

Moondancer
03-28-2005, 06:00 PM
I'm going to have to look through song lyrics to find one that will fit this latest ploy.

Kevin Yarbrough
03-28-2005, 07:56 PM
Larry: Not only will we make money off of our more staunch critics, but we will also keep more of our authors from becoming critics.

Willem: Volvo, mitsubishi

Larry: What are you talking about?

Willem: I'm just trying to figure out what kind of car I want to get after we rake in all this money.

Miranda: I want a Purple Mustang.

Willem: Arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh......Your fired!!!

Miranda: What did I say?

Larry: Mustang...horse....pony...purple pony you twit.

Jessica: We have a problem.

Larry: What now?

Jessica: I just read the boards, they are onto our plan.

A breeze blows in a foul stench.

Miranda: What is that smell.

Willem: Shiite. A mighty big fan has just turned on.

Moondancer
03-28-2005, 08:04 PM
I'm glad my coffee wasn't anywhere near here when I read that. ^

Kevin Yarbrough
03-28-2005, 11:45 PM
Larry: So the new contracts aren't going to help us any?

Janet: Nope. Not anymore.

Larry: We need a plan because everything is falling apart.

Willem: I can go home.

Janet: How is that going to help us you twit?

Larry: He may be right. Willem, take the money and go home. In a few months we can close PA and set up a new account an you just transfer the money to it.

Willem: All right. We can also right off my plane ticket as a biz expense. Call the bank and transfer the money, I will go home and pack.

Four months later.

Larry: Has anyone heard from Willem?

Miranda: He sent me an email today. Said he was lost in the airport and couldn't find his way out.

Renee
03-29-2005, 05:14 AM
I like it, Renee. It moves, it's got rhythm and, best of all, you can prance to it. :Clap:

You know how I like music to prance to. :wag:

Let's prance! :Spam:

Sher2
03-29-2005, 05:21 AM
You know how I like music to prance to. :wag:

Let's prance! :Spam:
I will if you will.:ROFL:

Renee
03-29-2005, 05:28 AM
I will if you will.:ROFL:

Hell, I never stop prancing. It's like (think valley girl lingo) my favorite pastime..lmfao..

Let's Prance! Everytime I hear that song "Let's Dance," it now cracks me up!

Prance, Sherry, prance! lol..

Sher2
03-29-2005, 05:40 AM
Hell, I never stop prancing. It's like (think valley girl lingo) my favorite pastime..lmfao..

Let's Prance! Everytime I hear that song "Let's Dance," it now cracks me up!

Prance, Sherry, prance! lol..
I know what you mean. You ought to see me prancing with the vacuum cleaner these days. I can't hear the word "dance" any more without breaking into prance. Oooo -- oooo, I just thought of another one -- "Prancing With Myself." Is that Billy Idol? I know I have that. We need the Prince of Prance in here, Renee, so we don't look so odd, you know what I mean? :ROFL:

Renee
03-29-2005, 05:54 AM
I know what you mean. You ought to see me prancing with the vacuum cleaner these days. I can't hear the word "dance" any more without breaking into prance. Oooo -- oooo, I just thought of another one -- "Prancing With Myself." Is that Billy Idol? I know I have that. We need the Prince of Prance in here, Renee, so we don't look so odd, you know what I mean? :ROFL:

LOL....ditto.

"Prancing with Myself," now that might be a good one to prance to. Billy Idol? Not sure on that one. And the Prince of Prance is..occupied..lmfao..

Sher2
03-29-2005, 06:43 AM
And the Prince of Prance is..occupied..lmfao..
We need better love slaves. When we say "Prance," they're supposed to be right there, asking "How fast?";)

James D. Macdonald
03-29-2005, 07:18 AM
Where I come from, Love Slaves don't ask "How fast?" They prance as fast as they can and hope it's fast enough.

Renee
03-29-2005, 07:26 AM
Where I come from, Love Slaves don't ask "How fast?" They prance as fast as they can and hope it's fast enough.

LMFAO! That's true too..

:banana:

Sher2
03-29-2005, 09:08 PM
Where I come from, Love Slaves don't ask "How fast?" They prance as fast as they can and hope it's fast enough.
Wowza! Where'd you get yours?;)

Kevin Yarbrough
03-30-2005, 02:35 AM
This love slave sprained his ankle prancing so it took me awhile to hobble over here.

Sher2
03-30-2005, 02:59 AM
This love slave sprained his ankle prancing so it took me awhile to hobble over here.
And whose little love slave are you, Kev? You can still prance, can't you, bum ankle or not? ;)

Renee
03-30-2005, 04:33 AM
Here With Glee
(instead of Here With Me by Dido)

I didn't hear PA screw me, I wonder how am I still here,
I don't want to sign a thing, it might change my memory
Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want, but I can't sign
I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until down goes PA's POD*
I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until PA releases me
I don't want to call my lawyer, they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this board, risk forgetting all that's been
Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want but I can't sign
I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe until down goes PA's POD
I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until down goes PA's POD


**evil laugh...this is just too fun!**

James D. Macdonald
03-30-2005, 04:53 AM
This little love slave went to Fred'rick
This little love slave stayed home
This little love slave had a signing
This little love slave had none
This lttle love slave went prance, prance, prance,
All the way home.

Renee
03-30-2005, 04:56 AM
hehee..little love slave?

Is it like one of those "I think I can, I think I can," moments!

;)

Keep on prancin'!

Christine N.
03-30-2005, 05:18 AM
"I wanna dance with somebody" by Whitney Houston...

Oh, i wanna prance with somebody
Print up a book with somebody
Yeah, wanna prance with somebody
With somebody who'll screw me!


Cloppers stikes, upon the hour
And the messages disappear
He needs enough time to figure out
how to chase Shemp away

He needs some writers to take a chance
On a publisher that's not built to last
But when the night falls
The IRS calls...

Oh, i wanna prance with somebody
Print up a book with somebody
Yeah, wanna prance with somebody
With somebody who'll scam me!


OOOOoh
Don't ya wanna prance, with me baby
Don't ya wanna prance, with me boy
Hey don'tch a wanna prance with me baby
With somebody who'll scam me!

Sher2
03-30-2005, 05:22 AM
"I wanna dance with somebody" by Whitney Houston...

Oh, i wanna prance with somebody
Print up a book with somebody
Yeah, wanna prance with somebody
With somebody who'll screw me!

Christine, you rock! That is absolutely brilliant. :Trophy: (I'm not just trying to cop a brownie, either.)

Christine N.
03-30-2005, 05:25 AM
Aw Sher, thanks :) Sometimes I am given to flashes of brilliance LOL.

Here's a brownie anyway. I'll even throw in a rep point!

Sher2
03-30-2005, 05:25 AM
Here With Glee
(instead of Here With Me by Dido)

I didn't hear PA screw me, I wonder how am I still here,
I don't want to sign a thing, it might change my memory
Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want, but I can't sign
I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until down goes PA's POD*
I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until PA releases me
I don't want to call my lawyer, they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this board, risk forgetting all that's been
Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want but I can't sign
I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe until down goes PA's POD
I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until down goes PA's POD


**evil laugh...this is just too fun!**
Nice!

You're right, it is too much fun. :roll:

Sher2
03-30-2005, 05:52 AM
Here's a brownie anyway. I'll even throw in a rep point!
Oh, bless your heart!

And now here's a little something in memory of he who shall not be named. RIP. Not!

("Crazy," as sung by Patsy Cline. I don't think she wrote it, though. Willie Nelson maybe?)

CRAZY

Larry, am I crazy for feeling so lonely?
Moe, am I crazy, crazy for feeling so blue?
I knew he'd shill for me as long as he wanted,
And then someday he'd leave me for somebody new.
Nein, why do I let myself worry?
Wond'ring what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my dollars could hold him,
I'm crazy for trying and mad about lying,
And I'm crazy for killing off Shemp.
Crazy for thinking that Frederick could hold him,
I'm too crazy for trying and open to bribing,
And I'm crazily digging up Shemp.

Ed Williams
03-30-2005, 06:53 AM
(sung to the tune of "Shake Your Booty")

Everybody,
Get on the floor,
Let's prance,
Don't fight the feelin',
Give Perry Como songs a chance...

Take, take, take,
Take, take, take,
A shoe to Shemp's booty,
A shoe to Shemp's booty.

Ah, you can, you can kick it,
Very well,
Please kick his twice dead ***,
Straight into hell.

Take, take, take,
Take, take, take,
A shoe to Shemp's booty,
A shoe to Shemp's booty.

Renee
03-30-2005, 07:49 AM
Oh yummy, it's the Prince of Prance himself!

;)

KellyS.
03-30-2005, 08:23 AM
They Never Truly Publish in Fredricksburg

Found a site that I thought would amount to heaven
Didn't think before deciding what to do
Oooh, that talk of publication, credit and acclamation
Rang true, sure rang true
Seems they never truly publish in fredicksburg
Seems I was told to ignore that kind of talk before
THey never truly publish, but the truly pub'd try to warn ya
They print, man they print

Will you tell my folks that I thoughtI'd really made it
But I found out too late my publisher was a fake
Please don't tell em how you found me
Don't tell em how you found me
It won't resonate, it won't resonate

Ed Williams
03-30-2005, 08:50 AM
Oh yummy, it's the Prince of Prance himself!

;)...my favvvvoooorrrriiiittttteeeee person from Texas....

Renee
03-30-2005, 09:04 AM
Aw, just from Texas? :wag:




...my favvvvoooorrrriiiittttteeeee person from Texas....

Ed Williams
03-30-2005, 09:24 AM
...more praise? Hmmmm? HMMMMMMMMMMMM?

http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/party/party-smiley-037.gif

Renee
03-30-2005, 09:31 AM
Oh to be number one? Worth everything!
:poke:

Ed Williams
03-30-2005, 09:42 AM
....everything????

Renee
03-30-2005, 09:51 AM
You know it! :Hug2:

Ed Williams
03-30-2005, 09:53 AM
...are my favorite person of all-time!!!

Renee
03-30-2005, 09:54 AM
I already was!

bluwinteryfox
03-30-2005, 04:05 PM
(sung to the tune of "Shake Your Booty")

Everybody,
Get on the floor,
Let's prance,
Don't fight the feelin',
Give Perry Como songs a chance...


thanks a bunch Ed :heart: :kiss:

Sher2
03-30-2005, 05:41 PM
...are my favorite person of all-time!!!
Crap. I always go to bed too early and miss all the fun. The Prince prances in and Renee gets to do all the prancing.;)

Mr Underhill
03-30-2005, 07:43 PM
(to the tune of "Maneater" by Hall & Oates)

♫She swears they're no fly-by-night
Just the lean and hungry type
Ain't nothing new, Iíve seen the type before
Watching and waiting
They're printing your book then chasing you out the door
So many have paid a fee
For what you should be gettin' for free
Go sell your book, how far can you drive your car
Moneyís the matter
If youíre in it for art you ainít gonna get too far

oo-ooohhh here she comes
That's right boy she'll print you up
oo-ooohhh here she comes
She's a van-presser
oo-ooohhh here she comes
Watch out boy they charge you fees
oo-ooohhh here she comes
She's a van-presser

I wouldnít if I were you
I know what they will do
A rip-off man, they could really screw your rights up bad
Print on demand
Sounds good at first but you'll realize that you've been had

oo-ooohhh here she comes
That's right boy she'll print you up
oo-ooohhh here she comes
She's a van-presser
oo-ooohhh here she comes
Watch out boy they charge you fees
oo-ooohhh here she comes
She's a van-presser

oo-ooohhh here she comes
Watch out boy, watch out boy...♫

Sher2
03-30-2005, 08:17 PM
("Mean Woman Blues," Allman Brothers)

MEAN MEINERS BLUES

Well I hate you Willem, you won't give me the time of day.
Well I loathe you Willem, you won't give me a nickel's pay.
Treat me so bad, and I hate you every which way.
Early in the morning sun begins to rise,
Early in the morning, you thinkin' up new lies,
Call out your name, wring my hands and cry.

Got me runnin', don't know what to do,
There won't be much of me when you get through.
Down on the bottom, nothing left to lose,
Lord I got 'em, mean Meiners blues.
Well, I hate you Willem, you don't even know my name.
Well, I loathe you Willem, you don't even know my name.

Don't care about me but screw me just the same.
Now, someday Shemp will take you by the hand,
Yeah, someday, Willem, he take you by the hand,
Your love child Shemp will be your lovin' man.
Yeah, you got me runnin', don't know what to do,
There won't be much of me when you get through.

Down on the bottom, nothing left to lose,
Lord I got 'em, mean Meiners blues.
Got me runnin', don't know what to do,
There won't be much of me when you get through.
Down on the bottom, nothing left to lose,
Lord I got 'em, mean Meiners blues.

Renee
03-31-2005, 03:42 AM
...are my favorite person of all-time!!!

Yup, I already knew that! And ditto! And you don't even have to bribe me..hehe..

:LilLove:

Ed Williams
03-31-2005, 08:15 AM
...a hint?

:Hug2:

Renee
03-31-2005, 10:57 AM
...a hint?

:Hug2:

Not at all..:Hug2: :)

lindylou45
03-31-2005, 01:22 PM
Curlem the Magic Stooge - (to the tune of Puff the Magic Dragon)

Curlem, the magic stooge, listened to the band
And frolicked in the townhouse in a state called Maryland.
Little Larry Loser loved that rascal Curlem,
And brought him manuscripts so he could hurl em.

Refrain
Oh! Curlem, the magic stooge, listened to the band,
And frolicked in the townhouse in a state called Maryland.
Curlem, the magic stooge, listened to the band,
And frolicked in the townhouse in a state called Maryland.

Together they would scam authors and promise theyíd never fail,
Larry kept a lookout for the IRS so they could bail.
Moe-randa and Shemp would bow wheneíre they came,
Jessica and Janet loved to play the game.

Refrain

A book lives forever, but not so a website,
Death to the rented mule was called out in the night.
One gray day it happened, Larry Loser came no more,
And Curlem, that magic stooge, cursed the bookstore.

Refrain

His head was bent in sorrow as he shuffled his feet,
Curlem could no longer play on Church street.
Without his scamming partner, Curlem could not behave,
So Curlem, that magic stooge, slipped into his grave.

Refrain


:thankyou: :thankyou: :thankyou: Lindylou has left the building!

lindylou45
04-02-2005, 10:20 AM
One Book Over the Spline -- to the tune of One Toke Over the Line

One book over the spline, sweet Jesus,
One book over the spline.
Sittiní on Church street in a cemetery,
One book over the spline.
Waitiní for the manuscript that resonates,
Hopiní the authorís on time.
Sittiní on Church street in a cemetery,
One book over the spline.



:crazy: I'm only doing this to keep from having to edit my manuscript! Somebody please make me stop!

Sher2
04-02-2005, 09:59 PM
One Book Over the Spline -- to the tune of One Toke Over the Line

One book over the spline, sweet Jesus,
One book over the spline.
Sittiní on Church street in a cemetery,
One book over the spline.
Waitiní for the manuscript that resonates,
Hopiní the authorís on time.
Sittiní on Church street in a cemetery,
One book over the spline.

Damn it, Linda! I cannot get this out of my head now. I would like for you to tell me how I'm supposed to get any work done on my reeeeee-ject.

lindylou45
04-02-2005, 10:11 PM
Damn it, Linda! I cannot get this out of my head now. I would like for you to tell me how I'm supposed to get any work done on my reeeeee-ject.

So, if what I'm hearing is correct, you feel this song resonated with you?

What am I doing here? I'm supposed to be working! Someone get Uncle Jim! He's the slave driver among us! :whip:

Sher2
04-02-2005, 10:39 PM
So, if what I'm hearing is correct, you feel this song resonated with you?

It fit me like a glove and is resonating my freakin' head off. Now I'm going to go take a nap and TRY to quit humming about tokin' up in cemeteries. Maybe when I wake up I can get to red-lining some more. I wouldn't count on it, though; I seem to be fairly nuts today.

Sher2
04-03-2005, 02:06 AM
("Satisfaction," Rolling Stones)

RESCISSION

I canít get no PA rescission,
I canít get no PA rescission.
ícause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I canít get no, I canít get no.

When Iím mailiní AuthorSupport
And that moron comes on the screen
And sheís treatiní me like shootin' sport
Feedin' me some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination.
I canít get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, thatís what I say.

I canít get no PA rescission,
I canít get no PA rescission.
ícause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I canít get no, I canít get no.

When Iím watchiní my e-mail
And that twit comes on to tell me
How cheap author copies are for sale
Well she canít be normal ícause she doesnít speak
The same language as me.
I canít get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, thatís what I say.

I canít get no PA rescission,
I canít get no AuthorSupport decision.
ícause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I canít get no, I canít get no.

When Iím roaminí round the boards
And Iím doiní this and Iím signing that
And Iím tryiní to make some headway towards
An agent who tells me baby better come back later next week
ícause you see Iím on losing streak.
I canít get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, thatís what I say.

I canít get no, I canít get no,
I canít get no PA rescission,
No reversion, what perversion, no rescission.

Sher2
04-03-2005, 03:46 AM
("Wonderful Tonight," Eric Clapton)

HIDEOUS TONIGHT

Itís late in the evening
Sheís wondering what book to trash
She puts on her makeup
And makes the computer crash
And then she asks me
Do I look all right
And I say Moe, you look hideous tonight.

We go to a signing
And everyone turns to see
This unholy lady
Thatís slumming and slamming with me
And then she asks me
Do you feel all right
And I say no, I feel terrified tonight.

I feel scared
Because I see the red light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you so realize
How much you petrify me.

Itís time to go home now
And Iíve got an aching head
So I give her the car keys
She throws me in bed
And then I tell her
As I turn out the light
I say Moe-randa, you were hideous tonight
Oh Moe-randa, you were hideous tonight.

lindylou45
04-03-2005, 03:54 AM
I wouldn't count on it, though; I seem to be fairly nuts today.

Me too! It must be the water.

lindylou45
04-03-2005, 03:58 AM
("Wonderful Tonight," Eric Clapton)

HIDEOUS TONIGHT

Itís late in the evening
Sheís wondering what book to trash
She puts on her makeup
And makes the computer crash
And then she asks me
Do I look all right
And I say Moe, you look hideous tonight.



Excellent! (as I wring my hands like C. M. Burns from the Simpsons).

Sher2
04-03-2005, 04:30 AM
Me too! It must be the water.
Nah, I don't think it's the water. Listen, I'm still licking my wounds from yesterday's brawl. Hope you've recovered.;)

I may write these stupid songs all night long. I'm in a really weird place.

Sher2
04-03-2005, 04:32 AM
("Lie to Me," Jonny Lang)

LIE TO ME

Lie to me and tell me everything is all right
Lie to me and tell me this is a normal plight
Tell me that you'll never leave
My book to die, I'll just try to make believe
That everything, everything you're telling me is true
Come on PA won't you just

Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me.

Lie to me, it doesn't matter any more
It could never be, the way it was before
If I can't get a retail outlet
Leave me somethin' I won't regret
For just a little while won't you, won't you let me be.

Oh, anyone can see
That you're not paying royalties to me
But right now PA let me pretend
That our contract will soon end.

Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me.

lindylou45
04-03-2005, 05:27 AM
Nah, I don't think it's the water. Listen, I'm still licking my wounds from yesterday's brawl. Hope you've recovered.;)

I've recovered nicely, thank you. I've learned to take "that" with a grain of salt! Shall I pass the shaker?

I may write these stupid songs all night long. I'm in a really weird place.

I know, isn't it awful. It's like Pringles, once you pop you just can't stop!

lindylou45
04-03-2005, 06:34 AM
Publishing Rights - (to the tune of Summer Nights)

Willem: Manuscripts cominí in so fast
Moe-randa: Contracts meant to last.
Larry: We never have charged a fee
Janet: Now theyíre all wanting to flee.

Authors hopes drifting away
To, uh, oh, those publishing rights.

Well-a, well-a, well-a
Canít sell them, canít sell them
Did you try from your car?
Canít sell them, canít sell them
Or the corner bar?

Larry: Atlanta Nights by Travis Tea
Moe-randa: Itís a sting, oh canít you see?
Willem: We printed their books and they only frowned.
Janet: and now their bashing our name around.

Authors dreams shattered for sure
But, uh, oh, those publishing rights.

Well-a, well-a, well-a
Canít sell them, canít sell them
Oh what a sight!
Canít sell them, canít sell them
Looks like weíre in for a fight.

Willem: Come on people, donít be afraid
Janet: When handed lemons, make lemonade.
Larry: Their hopes hit the floors
Moe-randa: When their books werenít in bookstores.

Movie rights we might reverse,
But oh not those publishing rights

lindylou45
04-03-2005, 10:21 AM
You Donít Mess Around with Willem - (to the tune of You Donít Mess Around with Jim).

Downtown got its hustlers,
Uptown got itís bums.
Church Streetís got big Willem Meiners,
Heís a book printiní son of a gun.
Yeah, he big and stipid as a guy can come
But heís stranger than a rented mule.
And when the Pavidians all get together at camp,
You know they all call Big Willem ďBossĒ just because.
And they say. . .

Refrain

You donít talk into the phone,
You donít forget to bill Ďem.
You donít pull the wool over Larryís eyes,
And you donít mess around with Willem.

Well out-a Georgia come a country boy,
He said, ďIím lookiní for a book printiní fool.
My name is Ed,
but down home they call me cool.
Yeah, Iím lookiní for the king of Church Street,
He driviní a puke green Caddy.
Last year he took some publishiní rights,
And Iím here to prove heís a baddy."
And everybody say,

You donít talk into the phone,
You donít forget to bill Ďem.
You donít pull the wool over Larryís eyes,
And you donít mess around with Willem.

Well a hush fell over the news room,
Willy was white as a sheet.
And when the talkiní were done
The only thing left were the shoes on Willyís feet.
Yeah, the story ran in a hundred stations,
And was read in a couple more.
And you better believe they sung a different tune
When Big Willem hit the floor.
Oh, now they say,

You better talk into the phone,
Cuz this book ainít dead.
You can pull the wool over Larryís eyes,
But donít mess around with Ed.

:thankyou: I will now go forth and work on my grammy acceptance speech!

Renee
04-04-2005, 05:48 AM
Prancin' the night away...lol..:)

Sher2
04-08-2005, 05:30 AM
(George Thorogood And The Destroyers---Bad To The Bone )

POD TO THE BONE

On the day it was hatched, the Stooges all gathered 'round
And they gazed in wide wonder, at the joy they had found
The head Stooge spoke up, and said I want this one alone
He could tell right away, that it was POD to the bone.
POD to the bone
POD to the bone
P-P-P-P-POD to the bone
P-P-P-P-POD
P-P-P-P-POD
POD to the bone

We wrote 10,000 contracts before we hooked you
We'll write 5,000 more, baby, before we are through
We wanna be your printer, baby, yours and yours alone
We're here to tell ya, honey, that we're POD to the bone.
POD to the bone
P-P-P-POD
P-P-P-POD
P-P-P-POD
POD to the bone.

We make a talented writer beg, we grab your book and steal
We make a street grifter blush, and make a young newbie squeal
We wanna be yours, pretty baby, yours and yours alone
We're here to tell ya, honey, that we're POD to the bone.
P-P-P-P-POD
P-P-P-P-POD
P-P-P-P-POD
POD to the bone .

Renee
04-08-2005, 06:06 AM
Sherry, you are so bad. LOL..

POD to the bone. (da da da da da)

Renee
04-11-2005, 04:20 AM
Ok there's not enough prancin' going on in here, so I will do a 'lil prancin' to get your good folks in the Lords of the Prance kinda mood.


So here goes an 'ol fa-vo-rite of mine.

Shameless
Written by: Billy Joel
Performed by: Garth Brooks

Well PA's shameless when it comes to signing you
They'lll do anything you want them to
they'll screw anyone at all

And that townhouse is standing for all the world to see
Oh baby, that's what's left of PA
He don't have very far to fall

You know Clopper's a man who's always been
Insecure about the world he's been living in
He don't break easy, 'cause he has no pride
But if you need to be dissatisfied

PA's shameless, oh honey, they don't have a prayer
Every time I see that website standin' there
New authors go down on their knees

And they're charging, swore they'd never compromise
Oh, but you the PA owners being turned down in publishing convinced them otherwise
They'll take your pride and never ask you please

You see in all Clopper's life he never found
Money he couldn't resist, money he couldn't turn down
He could walk away from publishers he never knew
But he can't walk away from the truth (he'll see it)

Clopper never let anything have this much control over him
He doesn't work too hard and he calls his life his own
Clopper never let anything have this much control over him
He doesn't work too hardand he calls his life his own
And he's made himself a world and it's worked so perfectly
But it's the PA authors world now, I can't refuse
And PA's never had so much to lose
*uck, PA's shameless

You know it should be easy for a company who's strong
To say their sorry or admit when they're wrong
The authors won't lose anything they'll ever miss (with PA)
But Clopper has never been in love with money like this

It's out of my hands

PA's shameless, and they have no power now
They don't need it anyhow
So folks, PA's got to go down

Oh, PA's shameless, shameless as a company can be
You make a total fool of them
I just wanted to you to know

Oh, the Stooges are shameless, I just wanted you to know
Oh, they're shameless, oh, and Clopper's down on his knees... shameless

http://www.planetgarth.com/images/album_thumbnails/100x100/double_live.jpg (http://www.planetgarth.com/albums/double_live.shtml)http://www.planetgarth.com/images/album_thumbnails/100x100/ropin_the_wind.jpg (http://www.planetgarth.com/albums/ropin_the_wind.shtml)http://www.planetgarth.com/images/album_thumbnails/100x100/the_hits.jpg (http://www.planetgarth.com/albums/the_hits.shtml)

http://www.planetgarth.com/images/album_thumbnails/100x100/the_limited_series.jpg (http://www.planetgarth.com/albums/the_limited_series.shtml)

Sher2
04-12-2005, 12:17 AM
Ok there's not enough prancin' going on in here, so I will do a 'lil prancin' to get your good folks in the Lords of the Prance kinda mood.


So here goes an 'ol fa-vo-rite of mine.

Yeah, more prancin' and less printin' would be a good thing. Billy Joel and Garth Brooks -- yay!

And now for an oldie but goodie.

("Run Through the Jungle," Creedence Clearwater Revival)

RUN THROUGH CHURCH STREET

Whoa, thought it was a nightmare,
Lo, itís all so true,
They told me, donít go walkiní slow
ícause Stooges on the loose.

Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Whoa, donít look back to see.

Thought I heard a rumbliní
Calliní to my name,
Two hundred million printers are loadin'
Curlem cries, take aim!

Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Whoa, donít look back to see.

Over at the townhouse
Stooge POD voodoo spoke,
With a keyboard and a mouse,
Grab all you can from them folks.

Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Whoa, donít look back to see.

James D. Macdonald
04-12-2005, 02:54 AM
The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for books to score:
He'd done eighty that week,
He was startin' to freak,
And he needed to publish more.

When he came on a young man typing
A novel of thunder and blood,
The devil jumped up on a DocuTech
And said "Hey listen, Bud --

"I bet you didn't know it,
But I'm a writer too.
Now you're in luck
'Cause I'll give you a buck;
I've published quite a few.
Now you've writ' a pretty good novel, son,
But give the devil his due,
You grant your soul for seven years
And I will publish you."

The boy said, "My name's Travis,
And it might not be a crime,
But your contract stinks
Like everyone thinks
And you'll get pickled this time."

Now Travis get your keyboard out
And type from morn to night
'Cause Hell's broke loose in Georgia
And the devil's in the fight.
And if you win all you get's Miranda's dirty look,
But if you lose the devil gets your book.

The devil pulled his webpage up
And gave a little nod,
And fire flew from his fingertips
As he posted "Not a POD."
He posted "Keep your copyright"
And "custom cover design"
Then a chorus of demons howled out
"We edit line by line!"

[instrumental break]

When the devil finished
Travis said, "You talk real swell
But sit down on your disparagement clause,
An' I'll show you writin' hell."

Call me Ishmael, dark and stormy night,
Whan that Aprille, I see as from a height,
Hear Me O Muse, midway in our life's journey,
It was a queer sultry summer, I apprenticed to an attorney.

[instrumental break]

The devil bowed his head
Because he knew he'd been had,
And he trudged back to Maryland
Looking pale and sad.
Travis said, "Devil, come on back,
Any time you're feeling blue,
You'll get pickled every time
'Cause you know I'm better'n you."

He wrote:

Call me Ishmael, dark and stormy night,
Whan that Aprille, I see as from a height,
Hear Me O Muse, midway in our life's journey,
It was a queer sultry summer, I apprenticed to an attorney.

Sher2
04-12-2005, 03:20 AM
The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for books to score:
He'd done eighty that week,
He was startin' to freak,
And he needed to publish more.

When he came on a young many typing
A novel straight and true
The devil jumped up on a DocuTech
And said "I'm tellin' you --

Wowza, Uncle Jim! This totally rocks the house! Dare I say it ... resonates with me, according it, of course, the proper, most pristine usage of the word? :Clap:

lindylou45
04-12-2005, 05:56 AM
The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for books to score:
He'd done eighty that week,
He was startin' to freak,
And he needed to publish more.



The absolute best song yet!!!! :roll:

Renee
04-12-2005, 06:24 AM
Jim, that was awesome. LOL

Sher2
04-13-2005, 05:41 AM
(Harry Chapin, "Taxi")

DREAMBREAKER

It was raining hard in Frederick,
I needed one more fare to make my night.
A lady up ahead waved to flag my rig,
She got in at the light.

Oh, where you going to, my lady blue,
It's a shame you ruined your gown in the rain.
She just looked out the window, and cooed
"Take me to Church Street, swain."

Something about her was familiar
I could swear I'd seen her face before,
But she said, "I'm sure you're mistaken"
And she didn't say anything more.

It took a while, but she looked in the mirror,
And she glanced at the license for my name.
A smile seemed to come to her slowly,
It was a smarmy smile, just the same.

And she said, "How are you, Harry?"
I said, "How are you, Moe?
Through the too many miles
and the too little smiles
I still remember you."

It was somewhere in a fairy tale,
I sent my book to her on query.
I learned about PrODin' from the very
Masters of an author mill.

You see, she was gonna be my publisher,
And I was gonna have a best seller.
She left my work with a college girl,
And I was left in the wind to twirl.

Oh, I've got something inside me,
To drive Princess Moe-randa blind.
There's a wild man, wizard,
He's hiding in me, illuminating my mind.

Oh, I've got something inside me,
Not what my life's about,
Cause I've been letting my outside tide me,
Over 'till my time, runs out.

Moe's so high that she's skying,
Yes she's flying, afraid to fall.
I'll tell you why bad girl's crying,
Cause she's going down, aren't we all.

There was not much more for us to talk about,
Whatever we had once was gone.
So I turned my cab into the driveway,
Past the gate and to the historic townhouse.

And she said we must get together,
But I knew it'd never be arranged.
And she handed me a dollar bill,
For a two fifty fare, she said
"Harry, keep the change."

Well another man might have been angry,
And another man might have been hurt,
But another man never would have let her go...
I stashed the bill in my shirt.

And she walked away in silence,
It's strange, how you never know,
Not a glimmer of shame for the shafting,
She gave me such a long, long time ago.

You see, she was gonna be my publisher,
And I was gonna have a best seller.
She left my work with a college girl,
And I was left in the wind to twirl.
And here, she's acting happy,
Inside her handsome office home.
And me, I'm flying in my taxi,
Taking tips, and getting stoned,
I go flying so high, when I'm stoned.

akaa1a
04-13-2005, 07:37 AM
Let's bring it down a bit...sung to Kansas's "Dust in the Wind"
( a reflective moment )

I close my eyes,
Only for a moment and my mani's gone...
All my dreams,
Prints before my eyes with mediocrity...

Dust in the wind,
All my words just dust in the wind...

Same old song,
Just another scam that seems to go unscathed
All we do,
Makes us wish our contracts be forever waived

Dust in the wind.
All our words just dust in the wind.
Dust in the wind
Never again my words just dust in the wind.

James D. Macdonald
04-13-2005, 04:02 PM
Printing bookmarks to leave by the cash register at the deli: $30.

Gasoline burned driving to every bookstore within a hundred miles of your home: $157.92

Five hundred copies of your own book: $6,727.50

Knowing that you've been shafted by a fat Dutchman: Priceless


The best things in life are free. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

Moondancer
04-13-2005, 06:43 PM
The best things in life are free. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

Or bank loans, second mortgages, or loan sharks if all else fails.

WhisperingBard
04-13-2005, 09:38 PM
The Pickler Epic:
A Hastily Written PA Poem
(with apologies to Clement Moore and AW members)

'Twas the night before pickling and all through the boards
not an author was stirring, not a one of the hordes.
A weird sort of calmness had settled on all,
They didn't know that the Pickler would call.

The Stooges were nestled all snug in their beds
while visions of swindles danced in their heads.
With Moe in her nightie and Shemp in his shroud,
they slept in the mansion (no authors allowed).

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
that Curly began to incoherently natter.
Larry cried out from under the bed,
"Don't just sit there, you dolt! Check our money," he said.

Moe-randa moved first to check on the loot
but passing a window she let out a great hoot:
"It's not thieves or crooks," she yelled to the men,
"nor even our authors complaining again."

"No, this time it's worse. The worst that we've seen!
This time the Pickler has arrived on the scene!"
They looked at each other, eyes wide with fear,
as below them they heard a thunderous cheer.

"Pickles unite!" came the voice, strong and true,
"It's time to avenge the wrongs done to you!
Jenna and James, Vickie and Ed,
it's time to roust this scum from its bed!"

"Sherry and Mem, make them laugh till they're blue!
Sparhawk and Sean, make them feel guilty, too!
Medievalist slay them with relevant facts,
Kevin and Zaz perform unnatural acts! :Wha:"

"Dave you can scare them with your preditor's growl
while Diana and Nancy both cry out 'Foul!'
Ann, Anne, and Anne, the magnificent three,
should beat them with letters addressed to BB and B!"

"Don't rest on your laurels, keep the steel in your spline,
Your cause is just, your manuscripts divine!"
Thus sayeth the Pickler, as he then seized the crooks,
those killers of dreams and legitimate books.

But before he departed, before he withdrew,
the Pickler spoke these words, splendid and true,
"Down with them all, the PA swine.
Long may they pickle in my righteous brine!"

Renee
04-14-2005, 01:10 AM
A whole lotta prancin' goin' on!

HEHE!

PS- PimpAmerica sucksssss!

Sher2
04-16-2005, 09:24 PM
("Paradise by the Dashboard Light," Meat Loaf)

Paradise By the Ol' Desk Light

Boy:

I remember every little thing
As if it happened only yesterday
Sending in my manuscript where baby sent hers
And there was not another like it in sight
And I never had a book
Looking any better than that one did
And all the folks back home
They were wishing they were me that night.

And now my book is bound oh so close and tight
It never felt so good, it never felt so right
And I was glowing like the metal on the edge of a
Knife
Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
Címon! hold on tight!
Címon! hold on tight!
Though itís cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the ol' desk light.

Girl:

Ainít no doubt about it
I knew we'd both been blessed
Cause my chapters numbered barely seventeen
And they were fully dressed.

Ainít no doubt about it
Baby, got to go and shout it
Ainít no doubt about it
I knew we'd both been blessed.

Boy:

'Cause your chapters numbered barely seventeen
And they were fullly dressed

Baby, doncha hear my heart
You got it drowning out the dollar signs
Iíve been waitin' so long
For somebody to come along and prance my book.

And I gotta let ya know
Never mind that I'm gonna regret it
So open up your eyes, I got a big surprise
Gonna let you see my book, all right
Soon as the ink is dry.

And now my book is bound oh so close and tight
It's PunishAmerica, never felt good, won't never feel right
And I was glowing like the metal on the edge of a
Knife
Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
Címon! hold on tight!
Címon! hold on tight!

Though itís cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the ol' desk light
Oh, itís cold and lonely in the deep dark night
Paradise by the ol' desk light.

With PA, you got to do what you can
And let Ingram's do the rest
Ainít no doubt about it
I thought we had been blessed
Tonight's the night, I read yours and you read mine
'Cause the chapters were barely seventeen
And they were fullly dressed.

We're gonna go all the way tonight
Read our printed tomes all the way through, tonightís the night

We're gonna go all the way tonight
Read our printed tomes all the way through, tonightís the night

Radio broadcast:

Okay, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here, two down, nobody on, no score, bottom of the ninth, thereís the wind-up, And there it is, a line shot up the middle, look at him go, this boy can really read! Heís rounding first and really turning it on now, heís not letting up at all, heís gonna try for second; he's cracked the cover and read the foreword, and here comes chapter one, and what a chapter! Heís gonna slide in head first, here he comes, heís out! No, wait, safe - safe at second base, this kid really makes things happen out there. New batter steps up to the plate, hereís the pitch - sheís going in, and what a jump sheís got, heís trying for third, sheís reading his Chapter Three, it's in the zone - safe at third! Holy cow, lucid and readable! Heís taking a pretty big lead out there, almost daring her to try and shrug him off. The light tips over, wait, here we go, and the words waver on the pages again, the suicide read is on! Here she comes, squeeze play, itís gonna be close, hereís the throw, so, whaddaya you think, babe? He's at the epilogue, holy cow, I think heís gonna make it!

Girl:

Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further --!

Will the cover curl?
Will the ink last forever?
Does it resonate?
Does it really fit and resonate?
Will it make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will it take me away and will it make me feel blithe?
Do you love it, baby?
Will you love it forever?
Do you need to read more?
Will you laugh at my spelling?
Will it make you so happy for the rest of your life?
Will it take you away and make you not writhe?

I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
I love yours but do you like mine?
Will you love it forever !!!?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby, let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
Iíll give you a review in the morning

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
Iíll give you an answer in the morning

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
Iíll give you a review in the morning

Girl:

I gotta know right now!
Do you love it or not?
Will you keep it forever?
Do you need it?
Will you never trash it?
Will it make you so happy for the rest of your life?
Will you read it now and and make me feel so blithe?
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further
Do you love it?
Will you love it forever?
Whatís it gonna be, boy?
Come on, I can wait all night
Whatís it gonna be, boy, yes or no?
Whatís it gonna be, boy, yes or no?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And Iíll give you a jacket blurb in the morning


Girl:

I gotta know right now!!!
Do you love it?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it!!

Girl:

Will you read it forever?

Boy:

Baby, baby, let me sleep on it

Girl:

Do you crave it?
Are you ready to brave it?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it

Well, I couldnít take it any longer
Lord, I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my God and on my motherís
Grave
That I would read your damn book to the end of time
I swore that I would love it to the end of time!

So now Iím praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with your
Fractured PA verbiage, I donít think that I can really survive
Iíll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
Iím praying for the end of time
Itís all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time
With this book by you!!!

Boy:

It was long ago and it was far away
And it was so much worse than it is today

Girl:

It never felt so good
It never felt so right
As the day the mailman brought
Our Random House contracts, I'm so overwrought
And we are glowing like
Hot metal on the edge of a knife

Sher2
04-19-2005, 03:15 AM
("White Wedding," Billy Idol)

BOOK BURNING

Hey, little 'randa, what have you done
Hey, little 'randa, you printed only one
Hey, little 'randa, whereís your con man
Hey, little 'randa, whoíve you cheated again
Hey, little 'randa, shotgun!

Itís a nice day to start again
Itís a nice day for a book burning
Itís a nice day for some reeducatin'.

Hey, little 'randa, what have you done
Hey, little 'randa, printin' one by one
Iíve been away for so long (so long)
Iíve been away for so long (so long)
I let my book go for a bad song.

Itís a nice day to start again (come on)
Itís a nice day for a book burning
Itís a nice day for some reeducatin'.

Give me back my rights
There is nothiní fair in Frederick
There is nothiní safe in Frederick
And thereís nothiní sure in Frederick
And thereís nothiní pure in Frederick
Bought some cheap gas in Frederick
Start again
Come on

Itís a nice day for a book burning
Itís a nice day to start again
Itís a nice day for a book burning
Itís a nice day to burn some sin.

Sher2
04-20-2005, 11:01 PM
("I Think I'm Going Out of My Head")

I'M TAKING BACK MY RIGHTS

Well, I think I'm taking back my rights
Yes, I think I'm taking back my rights from you, from you
I wanted you to want me because my work was good
Instead you took me just because you could
And I think I'm going out of my head
Cause I can't explain these tears that I shed
PA, over you, over you
I e-mail you each morning
But you just ignore and delete me
You don't even notice I exist

Going out of my head over you, PA
Out of my head over you, PA
Been out of my head, oh, PA
I must think of a way into your books
There's no reason why
Your being shy should keep my accountant away
Ummm

Yeah Ohhhh.- Shoobop shoobop, crooks
Shoobop Shoobop, stipid PA
I call you each morning
But you just say you have no phones
You don't even notice that I exist

Takin' back my rights from you
One way or another
Out of my head over you
Out of my head
Im going going going going going
Creeps Creeps Yeah
I'm Going going going going going
Com' on
Give me give me my reversion
Com' on, PA
Give me give me my reversion

James D. Macdonald
04-26-2005, 05:43 AM
Tune: House of the Rising Sun

There is a house in Fred'rick town
They call a P-O-D
It's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And one, O Ghod, is me.

My daddy was a writer
He wrote 'most every day
But me so young and foolish, poor boy,
Let the Stooges lead me astray.

The only thing the Stooges need
Is a webpage filled with trash,
And the only time that they're satisfied
Is when they count their cash.

O mother tell your children,
Take this advice from me:
Don't throw away your manuscript
Upon a P-O-D.

Renee
04-27-2005, 07:09 AM
Oh that one deserved an award, Jim.

:)

Ed Williams
04-27-2005, 07:29 AM
(Sung to the tune of, "Memphis, Tennessee")

Long distance information,
Give me a certain POD,
I gave a lot of work,
To these shiftless vanity bastards for free.
They would not take my number,
But they know who made the call,
Cause I posted it on the AW boards,
And made their asses squawl.

Help me information, get in touch with this POD,
Tell them 87 cent royalty checks must fill their hearts with glee,
Their townhouse is on the southside,
High up on a ridge,
I'd prance over there now but they're repossessing my fridge.

Help me information, more than that I cannot add,
Only that I hate them, and their accountants are bad,
PA is only six years old,
Information please,
Try to get me through to them, they're a vanity POD....

James D. Macdonald
04-29-2005, 09:07 AM
Darf P.A.

(to the tune of "Barbara Ann" by the Beach Boys)

Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.
Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
Oh darf P.A., just go 'way
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
Darf P.A.
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
You got me slippin' and a splinin'
Stipidly opinin' darf P.A.
Darf darf darf darf darf P.A.

Wrote a romance, wanted to go prance,
Went to P.A. an' they gave my book a chance.
Darf P.A.
Darf darf darf darf darf P.A.

Oh darf P.A. just go 'way
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
Darf P.A.
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
You got me slippin' and a splinin'
Stipidly opinin' darf P.A.
Darf darf darf darf darf P.A.

Say darf darf darf darf darf P.A.
Darf darf darf darf darf P.A.
Oh darf P.A. just go 'way
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
Darf P.A.
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
You got me slippin' and a splinin'
Stipidly opinin' darf P.A.
Darf darf darf darf darf P.A.

Went BBB,
MDAG,
Went FTC an' it's gonna work for me

Oh darf P.A. go away
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
Darf P.A.
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
You got me slippin' and a splinin'
Stipidly opinin' darf P.A.
Darf darf darf darf darf P.A.

Darf darf darf darf darf P.A.
Darf darf darf darf darf P.A.
Darf darf darf darf darf P.A.
Oh darf P.A. just go 'way
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
Darf P.A.
(Darf darf darf, darf darf P.A.)
You got me slippin' and a splinin'
Stipidly opinin' darf P.A.
Darf darf darf darf darf P.A.

Darf P.A.
Darf P.A.

Liam Jackson
04-29-2005, 10:19 AM
You got me slippin' and a splinin'
Stipidly opinin' darf P.A.
LMAO

MartyKay
04-29-2005, 11:33 AM
To the tune of "One that I want", Grease soundtrack

As sung by the Stooges (yeah, I know its a duet...)

I got bills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control
Cause the publishin' we're supplyin', it's mortifyin'!

You better shape up, cause I need a scam,
and my wallet is set on you
You better shape up, you better make a plan,
to my wallet I must be true
Nothing left, nothing left for me to screw

You're the Scam that I want
(you are the scam I want), ooh ooh ooh, money
The scam that I want (you are the scam I want),
ooh ooh ooh, money
The scam that I want (you are the scam I want),
ooh ooh ooh, money
The scam I need (the scam I need),
oh yes indeed (yes indeed)

If you're filled with (editorial) rejection,
We'll print you, anyway
Submit in our direction, a dollar for pay

You better shut up,
don't take that tone!
(that stipid tone!)
Your incoherent complaints

You better shut up, we're in control
We are control, and no one else is right
You are banned,
Yes, you're banned,
darfing banned down deep inside

Chorus:
You're the scam that I want
(you are the scam I want), ooh ooh ooh, money
The scam that I want (you are the scam I want),
ooh ooh ooh, money
The scam that I want (you are the scam I want),
ooh ooh ooh, money
The scam I need (the scam I need),
oh yes indeed (yes indeed)

MartyKay
05-03-2005, 05:16 AM
Reposted from the Living Dead (Shemp) Thread, after a meltdown in aisle 12...

Echelon Ladder

There's a lady who's sure that a nightie helps her sells
And she's darfing an echelon ladder
And when she publishes there she knows, the editors are closed
With Word's Speelcheck she gets what she paid for

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying an echelon ladder

There are scams on the board which she wants to ignore
And her aurora is a-glowing through her nightie
She might be a co- author of woes
Sometimes Shemps is all that she needs

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying an echelon ladder

There's a feeling she gets when she tells it the best
And she tells others that they should go f*ck off!
In her thoughts Shemp is God, but he really is one
Of those helping the scam take its victims

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying an echelon ladder

And it's whispered that soon, if we all take that tone
Then the scammasters will all run away faster
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the boards will echo with laughter

And it makes me wonder

If there's a shemp back in the PA boards
Don't be alarmed now
It's just a killJoy for the nightie queen

Yes he is back he just won't die
but in the long run
There's still time for PA to fold

The boards are humming and it won't go because the mods, you know
That Shemp is really one of them
Dear lady can't you hear the nightie blow and did you know
Your stipid leader is drunk again

And as we're shocked by the PA boards
They seem to self-destruct and blow
There walks a lady we all know
Who wears a nightie and wants you to know
How everything Shemp says is turned to gold
And if you listen very hard
The tone will come to you at last
You're all incoherent you all
To be a spline don't take that tone
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying an echelon ladder

There's a lady who's sure she publishes is gold
And she's buying an echelon ladder

(Slightly different... added a darf :) )

MartyKay
05-03-2005, 09:43 AM
I would do anything to publish, but I won't P.A
(tune: I would do anything for love, but I won't do that - Jim Steinman, performed by Meatloaf)

And I would do anything to publish,
Iíd run right into hell and back
I would do anything to publish,
Iíll never lie to you and thatís a fact

But Iíll never forget what I've written right now, oh no, no way
And I would do anything to publish, but I wonít P.A.,
I wonít P.A.,
Anything to publish, oh I would do anything to publish
I would do anything to publish, but I wonít P.A., oh I wonít P.A.

Some days the words come easy, and some days the words come hard
Some days words donít come at all, and these are the days that never end
Some nights you're writing fire, and some nights youíre writing in ice
Some nights you write like nothing Iíve ever seen before or will again
Maybe Iím crazy, but itís crazy and itís true
I know I can publish this, A publisher can save me, that's true

As long as the printers are turning, as long as the agents are churning
As long as your dreams are coming true, you better believe it

That I would do anything to publish, and Iíll be rewriting til the final act

I would do anything to publish, and Iíll take a vow and seal a pact

But Iíll never forgive myself if I ever go to P.A. at all
And I would do anything to publish, oh I would do anything to publish
Oh I would do anything to publish, but I wonít P.A., no I wonít P.A.

I would do anything to publish, anything youíve been dreaming of
But I just wonít P.A.

Some days I write in silence, and somedays I write with my soul
Some days I just write to the God of sex and drums and rock ín roll
Some nights I lose all feeling, and with my wrists I lose control
Some nights I just type and type and the message board continues to scroll
Maybe Iím lonely and thatís all Iím qualified to be
Thereís just one and only, the one and only promise I can keep

As long as I'm still writing, as long as the words keep coming
As long as the words are coming true, you better believe it
That I would do anything to publish, and you know itís true and thatís a fact
I would do anything to publish, and thereíll never be no turning back
But Iíll never do it better than I do it right now, so long, so long
And I would do anything to publish, oh I would do anything to publish
I would do anything to publish, but I wonít P.A., no no no I wonít P.A.
I would do anything to publish, anything youíve been dreaming of
But I just wonít P.A.

But Iíll never stop writing my words every night of my life, no way
And I would do anything to publish, oh I would do anything to publish
I would do anything to publish
But I wonít P.A.
No I wonít P.A.


Will you type up your words, will you get it down?
Will you write your way out of this godforsaken town?
Will you make it italic or bold?
I can do that! I can do that!

Will you keep the muse sacred? will you keep it tight?
Can you have a color cover, Iím so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less bold?
I can do that! oh oh, now I can do that!

Will you make me some magic, with your own two hands?
Can you build a fabulous story, with an all star band?
Can you give me something I can take home?
I can do that! oh oh now, I can do that!

Will you write the SF or horror or fantasy I want?
Will ya take me to the mountains floating, or the deified plums?
Will you take me places Iíve never known?
I can do that! oh oh now, I can do that!
After a while youíll write anything
It was a brief inspiration, a writing wannabee's thing
And your Muse will see itís time to move on
I wonít P.A.! no I wonít P.A.!

I know writer's block, Iíve been around
The words turn to dust and weíll all fall down
And sooner or later, youíll be blogging around

I wonít P.A.! no I wonít P.A.!
Anything to publish, oh I would do anything to publish
I would do anything to publish, but I wonít P.A., no I wonít P.A.

DreamWeaver
05-04-2005, 06:32 PM
The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for books to score:
He'd done eighty that week,
He was startin' to freak,
And he needed to publish more.Someone has posted this song on the PAMB:

http://www.publishamerica.com/cgi-bin/pamessageboard/data/general/2319.htm

Kris

James D. Macdonald
05-04-2005, 06:36 PM
Someone has posted this song on the PAMB:

http://www.publishamerica.com/cgi-bin/pamessageboard/data/general/2319.htm

Kris

Woo hoo! I RULE!

DreamWeaver
05-04-2005, 06:47 PM
Woo hoo! I RULE!

Yep, it really is a fabulous song. Nice job, Uncle Jim. And one doesn't even have to be in the know on things like "pickle" for it to make sense.

But, despite its excellence, I wonder how long it will remain up? It posted near midnight: 5/03/2005 23:52:42

Kris

EDIT: Gone now, looks like about, what, 24 hours?

James D. Macdonald
05-04-2005, 07:00 PM
It is still to be told ... how the King of Ool insulted the troubadours, thinking himself safe among his scores of archers and hundreds of halberdiers, and how the troubadours stole to his towers by night, and under his battlements by the light of the moon made that king ridiculous for ever in song.


-- The Book of Wonder (Lord Dunsany)


...

allion
05-04-2005, 09:19 PM
The song is still there, with no comments.

But it's still there!

Uncle Jim, you rock!

Karen

keltora
05-05-2005, 12:11 AM
Someone has posted this song on the PAMB:

http://www.publishamerica.com/cgi-bin/pamessageboard/data/general/2319.htm

Kris

Great Song Uncle Jim...

Why didn't I find this thread before now...

bluwinteryfox
05-05-2005, 12:28 AM
Originally Posted by James D. Macdonald
The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for books to score:
He'd done eighty that week,
He was startin' to freak,
And he needed to publish more.

Someone has posted this song on the PAMB:
http://www.publishamerica.com/cgi-bin/pamessageboard/data/general/2319.htm
Kris
It's still up.

DreamWeaver
05-05-2005, 01:17 AM
It's still up.With 2 comments, and I cannot figure out what to think about the second one...

Kris

MartyKay
05-05-2005, 04:07 AM
Still there at the moment

Hey, Sher2, my songs have gone walkies from PASucks!! :(

Sher2
05-05-2005, 04:11 AM
Still there at the moment

Hey, Sher2, my songs have gone walkies from PASucks!! :(
I know, babe. A lot of my stuff has gone kaput, too. We're having some problems in a couple of areas, like graphics -- BIG problem. And I can't even get the ftp thingey downloaded to get in there and work on it. Bear with us -- we'll get it working and everybody's stuff back up.

PixelFish
05-05-2005, 05:35 AM
I'm not sure the PA authors understand the gist of the song....they seem to think it's cute.

Did they read the whole song, or just skip to the end?

Nice job, Uncle Jim.

DreamWeaver
05-05-2005, 05:57 AM
I'm not sure the PA authors understand the gist of the song....they seem to think it's cute.Bet they figure it out eventually...I kinda like that hidden subversive factor going on there.

Or possibly they understand it, and are simply avoiding making noises that would get it deleted. Sometimes the really, really dumb sounding posts have really, really good information. Accident? I wonder. Gives me hope for PA authors.

Kris

PixelFish
05-05-2005, 06:46 AM
Looks like somebody finally got it. There's a reference to the superfriends invading the board and providing fodder for smug and superior posts.

(Guilty as charged.)


Edit: I wonder what will happen to the poor person who originally posted the song, thinking it was funny. I wonder if their mb access will disappear at the same time as the post.

HapiSofi
05-05-2005, 08:50 AM
Lament for the Auctoris

I that in heill was and gladness
And writ with great productiveness
Have met with heartless cruelty:--
I'm with PA: pity me!

My authorship was all vain glory,
PA's good will was transitory,
My tone offends them now, they cry:—
I'm with PA: pity me!

The writer's life does change and vary,
Now sound, now sick, now blyth, now sary,
Now dansand mirry, now like to die:—
But PA makes it worse, pardee!

Since their contract remeid hath none,
I can but my lost book bemoan,
And strive to make recovery:—
I'm with PA: pity me!

James D. Macdonald
05-05-2005, 09:29 AM
Excellent, Hapi! (And bet not a lot of folkes here are familiar with the original.)

There are some excellent things happening in Verses of the Stipid Dwarf (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11922), too. Check it out.

PixelFish
05-05-2005, 09:34 AM
I that in heill was and gladness
And writ with great productiveness
Have met with heartless cruelty:--
I'm with PA: pity me!

My authorship was all vain glory,
PA's good will was transitory,
My tone offends them now, they cry:ó
I'm with PA: pity me!

The writer's life does change and vary,
Now sound, now sick, now blyth, now sary,
Now dansand mirry, now like to die:ó
But PA makes it worse, pardee!

Since their contract remeid hath none,
I can but my lost book bemoan,
And strive to make recovery:ó
I'm with PA: pity me!

I'm curious and, er, not as well-read--what's the original?

Patricia
05-05-2005, 09:44 AM
Someone has posted this song on the PAMB:

http://www.publishamerica.com/cgi-bin/pamessageboard/data/general/2319.htm

Kris

I was going to put this on the NEPA thread but see you have it here! Nice going Jim. Boy...EZ got a good one in on them.

James D. Macdonald
05-05-2005, 09:58 AM
I'm curious and, er, not as well-read--what's the original?

William Dunbar, Lament for the Makers

Medievalist
05-05-2005, 10:10 AM
I'm curious and, er, not as well-read--what's the original?

[FONT=Georgia]William Dunbar's Lament for the Makars; Dunbar was one of the sixteenth century Scottish poets, who followed Chaucer in general style, but wrote in Middle Scots. Maker is Middle English, and Scots, for poet; it's a calque based on the Greek root of poet, poein, which, like the Old English name for a poet, scop, means to make or shape.

I THAT in heill was and gladnŤss
Am trublit now with great sickness
And feblit with infirmitie:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

Our plesance here is all vain glory, 5
This fals world is but transitory,
The flesh is bruckle, the Feynd is slee:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

The state of man does change and vary,
Now sound, now sick, now blyth, now sary,
Now dansand mirry, now like to die:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

No state in Erd here standis sicker;
As with the wynd wavis the wicker
So wannis this world's vanitie:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

Unto the Death gois all Estatis,
Princis, Prelatis, and Potestatis,
Baith rich and poor of all degree:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

He takis the knichtis in to the field
Enarmit under helm and scheild;
Victor he is at all mellie:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

That strong unmerciful tyrand
Takis, on the motheris breast sowkand,
The babe full of benignitie:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

He takis the campion in the stour,
The captain closit in the tour,
The lady in bour full of bewtie:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

He spairis no lord for his piscence,
Na clerk for his intelligence;
His awful straik may no man flee:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

Art-magicianis and astrologgis,
Rethoris, logicianis, and theologgis,
Them helpis no conclusionis slee:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

In medecine the most practicianis,
Leechis, surrigianis, and physicianis,
Themself from Death may not supplee:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

I see that makaris amang the lave
Playis here their padyanis, syne gois to grave;
Sparit is nocht their facultie:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

He has done petuously devour
The noble Chaucer, of makaris flour,
The Monk of Bury, and Gower, all three:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

The good Sir Hew of Eglintoun,
Ettrick, Heriot, and Wintoun,
He has tane out of this cuntrie:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

That scorpion fell has done infeck
Maister John Clerk, and James Afflek,
Fra ballat-making and tragedie:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

Holland and Barbour he has berevit;
Alas! that he not with us levit
Sir Mungo Lockart of the Lee:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

Clerk of Tranent eke he has tane,
That made the anteris of Gawaine;
Sir Gilbert Hay endit has he:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

He has Blind Harry and Sandy Traill
Slain with his schour of mortal hail,
Quhilk Patrick Johnstoun might nought flee:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

He has reft Merseir his endite,
That did in luve so lively write,
So short, so quick, of sentence hie:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

He has tane Rowll of Aberdene,
And gentill Rowll of Corstorphine;
Two better fallowis did no man see:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

In Dunfermline he has tane Broun
With Maister Robert Henrysoun;
Sir John the Ross enbrast has he:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

And he has now tane, last of a,
Good gentil Stobo and Quintin Shaw,
Of quhom all wichtis hes pitie:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

Good Maister Walter Kennedy
In point of Death lies verily; 90
Great ruth it were that so suld be:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

Sen he has all my brether tane,
He will naught let me live alane;
Of force I man his next prey be:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.

Since for the Death remeid is none,
Best is that we for Death dispone,
After our death that live may we:ó
Timor Mortis conturbat me.


Heill=health, slee=sly, -- just read it out loud phonetically, and it'll make sense.

PixelFish
05-05-2005, 10:17 AM
William Dunbar, Lament for the Makers



Shoot, that should have been familiar. Elizabeth Peters has a character quote from it in Legend in Green Velvet. "Timor mortis conturbat me" is about all I can remember though.

I also vaguely remember The Kings Quair from the same book. "And I a man and lakkith liberty." Or something like that.

I really need to stop reading things at second hand.

Medievalist
05-05-2005, 10:23 AM
Shoot, that should have been familiar. Elizabeth Peters has a character quote from it in Legend in Green Velvet. "Timor mortis conturbat me" is about all I can remember though.

I also vaguely remember The Kings Quair from the same book. "And I a man and lakkith liberty." Or something like that.

I really need to stop reading things at second hand.

Nah, it's good. I became an English major, specifically a medievalist, because of the Lymond chronicles by Dorothy Dunnett; I spend much of my junior year in college hunting down the sources for quotations, and that's how I discovered people like Dunbar (this poem is in the Chronicles), Henryson, and Wyatt.

PixelFish
05-05-2005, 10:31 AM
Cassandra Claire just mentioned the Lymond chronicles in one of her recent journal entries about literary influences, and I went to library, quite dutifully, to look 'em up, and they had ALL of them but the first. (I wasn't sure if they were the sort of books that required being read in order, but since she'd specifically mentioned something in book one, I've been waiting for that one to come in.)

DreamWeaver
05-05-2005, 06:34 PM
William Dunbar, Lament for the MakersFrom www.answers.com (http://www.answers.com), "Dunbar is notable for the liveliness of his verse, his virtuosity in metrical form, his variety of mood, and his caustic satire."

What's not to like? I'm going to have to check this poet out. Thanks to all who brought this up, especially HapiSofi for the original post.

Kris

Medievalist
05-05-2005, 07:10 PM
I read the Lymond Chronicles out of order, and so I know it's best not to. Especially since they can be slow starting, and the second book is generally considered the hardest to get into.

Medievalist
05-05-2005, 07:13 PM
From www.answers.com (http://www.answers.com), "Dunbar is notable for the liveliness of his verse, his virtuosity in metrical form, his variety of mood, and his caustic satire."

What's not to like? I'm going to have to check this poet out. Thanks to all who brought this up, especially HapiSofi for the original post.

Kris

He can be hard to find; there's a chunk that outside of publication in the Bannatyne series hasn't been properly edited. Dunbar is best known as the first citation for f u c k in the OED, but I'm especially fond of his Twa merrit wimmin and the widow, and his migraine poem My heid did yake

PixelFish
05-05-2005, 09:31 PM
He can be hard to find; there's a chunk that outside of publication in the Bannatyne series hasn't been properly edited. Dunbar is best known as the first citation for f u c k in the OED, but I'm especially fond of his Twa merrit wimmin and the widow, and his migraine poem My heid did yake

You have to respect the migraine poem. I myself have a sneeze haiku, entitled Haiku! (You have to say it like you are sneezing.)

A small wind blows south
Little green goobers flying
Get me a Kleenex!



Speaking of Haiku....

I read my contract
PA author smugly signs
A year later, cries.

Brick-and-mortar stores
I plead with the manager
Oh, please, stock my books.

Purple ponies and
Elven vampires, oh, won't you
Sip my Travis Tea.

Sher2
05-05-2005, 09:51 PM
Purple ponies and
Elven vampires, oh, won't you
Sip my Travis Tea.
If I had a prize to give you, I would, because that is absolutely priceless.:Clap:

DreamWeaver
05-05-2005, 11:31 PM
Purple ponies and
Elven vampires, oh, won't you
Sip my Travis Tea.I don't know, I may have to abdicate and give you my newly received, bright shiny Haiku Crown for that one! Excellent.

Loved the sneezy one, too.

Kris
Former holder of the Haiku Crown

CaoPaux
05-05-2005, 11:49 PM
Mourn effort wasted
Hereís my book, on no oneís shelf
It remains unread.

DreamWeaver
05-06-2005, 12:07 AM
Mourn effort wasted
Hereís my book, on no oneís shelf
It remains unread.Another good one! PA does seem to make an inspiring subject. Well, they had to be good at something.

Kris

PixelFish
05-06-2005, 04:22 AM
I don't know, I may have to abdicate and give you my newly received, bright shiny Haiku Crown for that one! Excellent.

Loved the sneezy one, too.

Kris
Former holder of the Haiku Crown

Ooooo....the haiku crown....
I accept humbly with thanks
and bow my head too.

....thanks Kris, and Sher....

DreamWeaver
05-06-2005, 05:04 AM
...and his migraine poem My heid did yakeInteresting how that comes across loud and clear with no interpretation.

Kris

Dawno
05-06-2005, 09:19 AM
In honor of all the new members who've recently joined AW from You Know Where...

Coming to AW (loosely hummed to the tune of Neil Diamond's "Coming to America")

Why?
We've been writing but why?
Weíve got a book
But itís not in stores

Seen
Oh, our books should be seen
On bookshelves long
We hang on to the dream

From those boards and from their blogs
They're coming to AW
Never looking back again
They're coming to AW

Brick and Mortarís near or far
Oh, we've tried evíry marketing scheme
To be turned away
To be turned away

Home, to a new and friendly face
Writers helping all over the place
No letters about your tone
No letters about your tone

Everywhere around the Web
They're coming to AW
Hereís a place theyíll find respect
They're coming to AW

Seven years they have your rights
Just come to AW
Jamie Farrís STILL ďUp In LightsĒ
Please come to AW

They're coming to AW
They're coming to AW
They're coming to AW
They're coming to AW
Today, today, today, today, today

HapiSofi
05-06-2005, 07:34 PM
PixelFish: What was that thing I wrote? As I said to my Significant Other next morning, "It's mostly an amusement for Jim Macdonald and Lisa Spangenberg." My own amusement was that right on schedule, Jim Macdonald and Lisa Spangenberg recognized it.

(My other amusement was noticing that right after reading it, Jim misspelled folks, a word I've never seen him fluff before, as folkes.)

If we ever meet in person and I'm not sober, I'll demonstrate that "Lament for the Makers" can be sung as a calypso.

HapiSofi
05-06-2005, 07:41 PM
William Dunbar's Lament for the Makars; Dunbar was one of the sixteenth century Scottish poets, who followed Chaucer in general style, but wrote in Middle Scots. ...Now, if I were really good -- that is, if I were Virge, or Jim, or Mike Ford, or otherwise in that league -- I could have adapted the verses mourning specific poets into references to real PA authors and titles.

mdmkay
05-06-2005, 07:58 PM
I'm truely hoping that our efforts here at AW will put PA completely out of business. I'm so mad at those people I could spit fire. I've done everything I can think of to try and get my contracts terminated so I guess the next step is filing complaints with Atty Gen's of Maryland and Nebraska, BBB, and finding a lawyer that will take a pro bono case to try and get something done. They have had ALOT of complaints at the Atty Gen at Maryland. So I guess we just keep pounding at them until they cry quits. I couldn't believe the absolutly shoddy work they did on my second book. I almost cried.

Dawno
05-06-2005, 08:21 PM
I'm truely hoping that our efforts here at AW will put PA completely out of business. I'm so mad at those people I could spit fire. I've done everything I can think of to try and get my contracts terminated so I guess the next step is filing complaints with Atty Gen's of Maryland and Nebraska, BBB, and finding a lawyer that will take a pro bono case to try and get something done. They have had ALOT of complaints at the Atty Gen at Maryland. So I guess we just keep pounding at them until they cry quits. I couldn't believe the absolutly shoddy work they did on my second book. I almost cried.

I believe your efforts will eventually pay off. Please accept a virtual hug and know we're behind you 100% I'm going to try and write every day in my blog and say something about PA in each post until they fold their tents. You and your struggle deserve it and so much more!

PixelFish
05-06-2005, 08:49 PM
PixelFish: What was that thing I wrote? As I said to my Significant Other next morning, "It's mostly an amusement for Jim Macdonald and Lisa Spangenberg." My own amusement was that right on schedule, Jim Macdonald and Lisa Spangenberg recognized it.

(My other amusement was noticing that right after reading it, Jim misspelled folks, a word I've never seen him fluff before, as folkes.)

If we ever meet in person and I'm not sober, I'll demonstrate that "Lament for the Makers" can be sung as a calypso.

If we ever meet in person, I promise to get you nice and not-sober, just so I can see "Lament for the Makers" as a calypso. (Maybe your SO can provide percussion or backup.)

James D. Macdonald
05-06-2005, 09:36 PM
(My other amusement was noticing that right after reading it, Jim misspelled folks, a word I've never seen him fluff before, as folkes.)

Quite right. Should have spelt it fulkis.

(You have no idea how close I came to rendering my Merry Play of Last Weekend's Flamewar (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=182530&postcount=1230) (in the Dead Man Posting thread) in rhymed iambic pentameter.)

PixelFish
05-06-2005, 10:19 PM
Quite right. Should have spelt it fulkis.

(You have no idea how close I came to rendering my Merry Play of Last Weekend's Flamewar (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=182530&postcount=1230) (in the Dead Man Posting thread) in rhymed iambic pentameter.)

Actually, you could leave it as is, and interject the admonitions of the AW crew in rhymed iambic pentameter. Then you'd have the prose-versus-rhymed meter structure going on, just like Willie S. Beatrice and Benedict bantering in metered speech, while Dogberry goes on in prose.

Medievalist
05-06-2005, 11:38 PM
PixelFish: What was that thing I wrote? As I said to my Significant Other next morning, "It's mostly an amusement for Jim Macdonald and Lisa Spangenberg." My own amusement was that right on schedule, Jim Macdonald and Lisa Spangenberg recognized it.

I think we were probably posting at the same time; I posted the text, then noticed that was missing a line and had to go find it.


(My other amusement was noticing that right after reading it, Jim misspelled folks, a word I've never seen him fluff before, as folkes.)

See, that's what happens when you read a lot of Middle English/Scots; it destroys your ability to spell. Or that's my current excuse . . .


If we ever meet in person and I'm not sober, I'll demonstrate that "Lament for the Makers" can be sung as a calypso.

Ha! I shall take you up on that.

M. Story
05-10-2005, 07:14 PM
CHECKS FOR OUR AUTHORS
(Sung to Beer for my Horses - Toby Keith)
Well, a man come on the six o'clock news,
Said author's have been robbed,
authors have been abused.
A publisher screwed up a writer's dreams,
And left him a scar,
Somebody thought they'd get away,
But they didn't get too far, yeah,
They didn't get too far.

Grandpappy told my Pappy,
"Back in my day, son
PA'd have to answer
for the wicked that he done,
"Take all the rope in Texas,
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in this tree,
For all the people to see.

[chorus]
Justice is the one thing you should always find,
You got to gather all your authors,
You got to draw a hard line,
When the gun smoke settles,
we'll sing a victory tune.
We'll all meet back at the A.W. saloon.
We'll raise up our glasses against evil forces
Singing, "Bookstores for our books, and checks for our authors."

We've got too many publishers doing dirty deeds,
Too much corruption and crime in the streets.
It's time the long arm of the law took a few more to the pound,
Send 'em all to the pokey where they settle 'em down.
You can bet they'll settle 'em down, cause...

Justice is the one thing you should always find,
You got to gather all your authors,
You got to draw a hard line,
When the gun smoke settles,
we'll sing a victory tune.
We'll all meet back at the A.W. saloon.
We'll raise up our glasses against evil forces
Singing, "Bookstores for our books, and checks for our authors."
[repeat chorus]

Marlene http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/emoticonguns2.gif
<Singin' http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteGuitar.gif I shoulda been a cowgirl...>

Jeff
05-11-2005, 03:06 AM
Marlene, I am no where near as good as you with this kind of thing, but you inspired me! Here goes...

(sung to the tune of Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi)


It's all the same, only the nicks have changed.
Every day, we see authors wasting away...
Another post, oh Infocenter that's so cold!
I'd drive all night, Just to smack them in the nose.

I'm an author, and PA scammed from me my rights
For the next seven years, all I can do is fight
I'm an author, a real book is what I wrote
but the joy of that is gone, 'cause PA has me by the throat.

Sometimes I write, sometimes its not for days.
I've got to schlep my butt, doing the job that is PAs.
Sometimes you tell the day by the bookstores that say no.
Then return to the PA boards and it's time to eat some crow.

I'm an author, and PA scammed from me my rights
For the next seven years, all I can do is fight
I'm an author, a real book is what I wrote
but the joy of that is gone, 'cause PA has me by the throat.

I've put up web sites, trying hard to sell my book
I beg and plead, but no one wants to look
I've been everywhere, being a pest if I must
But it's my publisher that no one wants to trust.

I'm an author, and PA scammed from me my rights
For the next seven years, all I can do is fight
I'm an author, a real book is what I wrote
but the joy of that is gone, 'cause PA has me by the throat.

DreamWeaver
05-11-2005, 03:50 AM
I'm an author, and PA scammed from me my rights
For the next seven years, all I can do is fight
I'm an author, a real book is what I wrote
but the joy of that is gone, 'cause PA has me by the throat.You're giving PA a bad name. Good job!

Kris

Sher2
05-11-2005, 06:07 PM
(Bill Deal & The Rhondels - "I've Been Hurt")

I'VE BEEN PLUBLISHED

I've been plublished, plublished, plublished,
Yes, I've been plublished,
I've been plublished like I've never been plublished before,
Cause you lied, you lied to me,
Release me and leave me alone,
Cause I've been plublished,
PA, you lied,
PA, what happened, what happened,
What happened, what happened to the bookstore orders?
The edit? The price?
I got run out of Borders!
I've been plublished,
PA, you cheated, mistreated,
You cheated, cheated on me,
And you told me, you told me,
You told a whole lot of lies,
PA, what happened, what happened,
What happened, what happened ain't right,
Well, I saw my name on the spline,
And it wasn't bound real tight,
Pages curled up, cover faded,
Good God Almighty, you have to ask
Why I'm jaded?

M. Story
05-12-2005, 12:34 AM
Jeff and Sherry, I enjoyed both of your songs!!! I'm still smiling. Here's a trophy for each of you--you are worthy!!! http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteTrophy.gif http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteTrophy.gif

There's not enough room to present trophies to the rest of the writers here, so I'm going to lock them in my own trophy case and say they're mine, MINE, mine!!! Who will know they aren't? http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/emoticonthankyou.gif

Marlene
http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteGuitar.gif workin' on another PA slamsong...as sung by Willie M****rs
"...for all the authors I've screwed before...that traveled in and out my door...I'm glad they came along, I dedicate this song, to all the authors I've screwed beforrrreee,

Sher2
05-12-2005, 12:51 AM
Jeff and Sherry, I enjoyed both of your songs!!! I'm still smiling. Here's a trophy for each of you--you are worthy!!! http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteTrophy.gif http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteTrophy.gif

There's not enough room to present trophies to the rest of the writers here, so I'm going to lock them in my own trophy case and say they're mine, MINE, mine!!! Who will know they aren't? http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/emoticonthankyou.gif

Aww, you're too good to me, Marlene. I am unworthy.:)

M. Story
05-13-2005, 09:54 PM
(My apologies to Weird Al Yankovic - Borrowing from his song:
ONE MORE MINUTE...)

("doo wop"s in the background throughout song)

Aahhhhhhhh.
Well I heard that you're leavin' (leavin')
Gonna leave me far behind (so far behind)
'Cause you found some brand new authors
You decided that I'm not your kind (aahh..)

So I pulled (I pulled) your name out (name out) of my Rolodex (oohh..)
And I tore all your e-mails in two
And I burned down the bookstore where I used to go
Just because it reminds me of you (dippity dippity doo)

That's right (that's right) you ain't gonna see me cryin'
I'm glad (I'm glad) that you found somebody new
'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass
Than spend one more minute with you

I guess I might seem kinda bitter
You had me feeling down in the dumps
'Cause I was stranded all alone in the gas station of books
And I had to use the self-service pumps.

Oh, so PA, let me help you with that suitcase
You ain't (you ain't) gonna break my heart in two
'Cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face
Than spend one more minute with you

I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork
Than sign another contract with my pen,
I'd rather slam my fingers in a door (yah)
Again and again and again and again and again

Oh, can't you see what I'm tryin' to say, to you PA.

I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches (leeches)
Shove an icepick under a toenail or two
I'd rather clean all the bathroom in Grand Central Station with my tongue
Than spend one more minute with you

Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks
Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue
I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades
Than spend one more minute with you

I'd rather rip my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hands
and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'till I die

Than spend one more minute with you...

Dolan
05-16-2005, 11:50 PM
There is a new song and dance craze burning up the Land of POZ.

PAers gather themselves into a circle around the Pink Deputy. The dance and song are both called the PA Pink bullet Stomp.

The lyrics go like this as the Pink Deputy cuts loose at the toes of the stooges.

Bang, bang
Bang, bang
Bang, bang
(Sound of reloading pink bullets here.
Stompers rest and band-aid Moe-randa's toe)
Bang, bang
Bang, bang
Bang, bang

(The Pink Deputy was played by Sher2 formerly known as Pinky, Annie Oakley, Tuscadero of Happy Days fame.)

(Moe-randa's nicked toe was played by HB Marcus' tongue.

Dawno
05-17-2005, 12:04 AM
Marlene, Dolan, those songs were simply resonant. I'll have to stop laughing now, people are staring at me as they go by my office.

M. Story
05-18-2005, 01:33 AM
Marlene, Dolan, those songs were simply resonant. I'll have to stop laughing now, people are staring at me as they go by my office.
Why thank you, Dawno. I shall try to resonant once more in the near future, as soon as my aurora is done cookin' in the stipid microwave. http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/emoteCheers.gif In the meantime, let's share a root beer together, and sing..."bookstores for our books, checks for our authors...." lalalalalalalal dobedobedooobeee dewww.

Dawno
05-18-2005, 03:56 AM
Nancy Mehl has me send our shared aurora to the drycleaners on a regular basis. Would microwaving be better? There's so much to learn about auroras and so few reference guides...

M. Story
05-18-2005, 04:08 PM
Nancy Mehl has me send our shared aurora to the drycleaners on a regular basis. Would microwaving be better? There's so much to learn about auroras and so few references guides...Mine is an all-purpose aurora. I'm also working on a handbook now on the care & feeding of auroras. http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/emoticonidea.gif

Dawno
05-18-2005, 06:00 PM
Mine is an all-purpose aurora. I'm also working on a handbook now on the care & feeding of auroras. http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/emoticonidea.gif

Nancy and I could contribute a chapter on the challenges of maintaining a shared aurora. Postage is a b***h...

James D. Macdonald
05-19-2005, 02:29 AM
THEY CALL YOUR SALES AURORA (from PAINT YOUR WILLEM)

Aurora
Aurora
They call your sales Aurora

In Frederick they have a name
For sales, returns, and fora.
Returns are "Darf," a forum's "Spline,"
And they call your sales "Aurora."

Aurora knocks the ladder down
So you can't climb much higher,
Aurora starts a flamewar off
Then dances 'round the fire.

Aurora
Aurora
They call your sales Aurora

Before I heard Aurora's name
And saw the calf that's golden
I thought perhaps I might earn cash
Beyond that buck I'm holdin'.

But then one day I got my check
That they send out twice yearly;
It bought a pack of cigarettes
And a Whopper Junior, nearly.

Aurora
Aurora
They call your sales Aurora

PA has got a name for sales
That's often misconstrued,
But when you've gone and signed with them
There ainít no word but screwed.

I've written to the FTC,
I'm looking for a hero:
Aurora shows reality --
Aurora's close to zero.

Aurora
Aurora
They call your sales Aurora

Aurora
Aurora
They call your sales Aurora

Dawno
05-19-2005, 07:12 AM
THEY CALL YOUR SALES AURORA (from PAINT YOUR WILLEM)

Aurora
Aurora
They call your sales Aurora

In Frederick they have a name
For sales, returns, and fora.
Returns are "Darf," a forum's "Spline,"
And they call your sales "Aurora."


I'm speechless...that one is an instant classic.

DreamWeaver
05-19-2005, 08:17 AM
Aurora
Aurora
They call your sales Aurora

PA has got a name for sales
That's often misconstrued,
But when you've gone and signed with them
There ainít no word but screwed.

Wow. That was AWESOME! :roll: Do you take requests? I'd like to see what you could do with 'Maria' from West Side Story...

Kris

DreamWeaver
05-19-2005, 08:29 AM
(My apologies to Weird Al Yankovic - Borrowing from his song:
ONE MORE MINUTE...)
("doo wop"s in the background throughout song)
I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches (leeches)
Shove an icepick under a toenail or two
I'd rather clean all the bathroom in Grand Central Station with my tongue
Than spend one more minute with youI am never going to hear do wops the same again. :scared:

Of course, it all resonates quite strongly and I can't think of anything I've read that fits PA's specialty more like a glove ;).

Kris

James D. Macdonald
05-19-2005, 08:04 PM
JENNA GLATZER (from FREDERICK TOWNHOUSE STORY)

LARRY

Dear kindly Jenna Glatzer,
Don't think I got no hope,
I'm just like Card'nal Ratzner
Who grew up to be Pope.
I used to be a spammer,
Bill ran a vanity,
Golly Moses, we only want our fee!

LARRY AND THE POD SQUAD

Gee, young Jenna Glatzner, I feel like a louse;
I never sold no book to no legitimate house.
We ain't lousy writers,
The system is bad.
We're making other writers glad!

LARRY

They'll be glad!

ALL

They'll be glad, they'll be glad,
They'll be really glad!
When they get their contracts they'll be glad!

JANET: (Spoken) That's a touchin' good story.

LARRY: (Spoken) Lemme tell it to the world!

JANET: Just tell it to the BBB.

LARRY

Dear Better Business Bureau,
I didn't really lie.
I misled and dissembled,
Which means that I'm just sly.
They shoulda read their contracts,
Although they're written odd.
Leapin' lizards! We're not POD, we're POD!

JESSICA: (As BBB Chairman) Ghod!
Absolute Writers, this case is a mess;
These guys are not a con, they're just a vanity press!
He's really resonating, his story strikes a chord.
Take this case to the labor board!

LARRY

To the board!

POD SQUAD

We are bored, we are bored,
We are really bored,
Like these authors whining makes us bored.

JESSICA: (Spoken, as BBB) In the opinion on this bureau, this company is all right by us because they've paid for their membership.

LARRY: (Spoken) Hey, I slid by on account of I'm sly.

JESSICA: So take 'em to arbitration.

LARRY (Sings)

We do not read submissions,
Our covers all are crap.
When writers send complaints in,
We hit 'em with a sap.
We hired spouse abusers,
To staff the AST.
Goodness gracious, we publish them for free!

MIRANDA: (As arbitrator) Whee!
He don't charge up front in any amount, .
This boy don't need a jail term, just an Ingram's account.
Commercial publication is run by lit'ry whores,
That's why they're not in any stores!

LARRY

Not in stores!

ALL

Not in stores, not in stores,
Not in stores, stores, stores,
And that is why we're not in stores!

MIRANDA: In my opinion, this company don't need to to be arbitrated at all. Literary fraud is purely a matter of perspective!

LARRY: Hey, I don't see too good!

MIRANDA: So take him to an optometrist!

LARRY

Dear kindly eyeball doctor,
They say go edit books.
Like someone who's legit'mate,
Which means we can't be crooks.
It's not I'm anti-reading,
But selling books is tough.
Gloryosky! Why should I do that stuff?

WILLEM: (As Optometrist)

Rough!
Absolute Writers, you've figured it out.
This boy don't need bifocals, he's an ignorant lout.
It ain't just these fellows do not give a damn;
Look at their methods: It's a scam!

LARRY

It's a scam!

ALL

It's a scam, it's a scam!
It's a lousy scam,
Like the lot of us have got a scam!

JESSICA

The trouble is the discount.

MIRANDA

The cover price's high.

WILLEM

The trouble's we don't edit.

MICHELE

The trouble is we lie.

JANET

The trouble is no sales force.

LARRY

The trouble's no return.

ALL

Jenna, all our writers feel the burn!

Gee, Absolute Writers,
And this is a fact,
No one wants to sign our seven years' long contract.
Gee, Jenna Glatzer,
And this ain't no joke--
Gee, Jenna Glatzer,
We're broke!

DreamWeaver
05-19-2005, 10:53 PM
JENNA GLATZER (from FREDERICK TOWNHOUSE STORY)Dear Better Business Bureau,
I didn't really lie.
I misled and dissembled,
Which means that I'm just sly.
They shoulda read their contracts,
Although they're written odd.
Leapin' lizards! We're not POD, we're POD! Wait, I have to wipe a tear from my eye. Officer Krupke would be so proud!

Kris

DreamWeaver
05-19-2005, 11:17 PM
From: Frederick Townhouse Story
(Sung by the Newbie, to the tune of 'Maria'. Little does the newbie know the beautiful love story of first-time author and book is going to turn into such a horrible tragedy. In this song, the newbie expresses a wonderful rush of joy upon learning a traditional publisher has accepted the book for publication.)

I sold it!
I just got the word that I sold it!
They want to print my book,
They told me it will look
just great!

I sold it!
The publisher promised to pay me,
A dollar for the right
To bring it to the light
Of day.

I sold it!
They just want some help with promotion,
So my efforts will make some commotion.

I sold it!
They'll soon have my book in the bookstores.

The most beautiful sound I ever heard...
I sold it!

M. Story
05-20-2005, 01:22 AM
Jim & Dreamweaver: I can see it now--today A.W.; tomorrow--BROADWAY!!! http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/emoteClap.gif Excellent!
Now do "Phantom of the Opera." http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/eek.gif

Alan Yee
05-06-2006, 09:30 PM
To get some of the lines, you might have to look up the original lyrics and/or watch the music video to hear the tune. I'll give you a taste of some pop/R&B from my favorite singing group ever (the rapper, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, the one who died in Honduras, is my second-favorite rapper).


(sung to the tune of "No Scrubs (Rap/Single Version)" by TLC)



"No Stooges"



[Linda-Sheryl-Argile-Kevin-Alan (Victoria-Ann-Jenna-Jim-Dave-HapiSofi-Alan)]
A Stooge is a crook that thinks theyíre smart
And is also known as a scammer (scamma, scamma...)
Always talkin' about how theyíre the best
And then stab their authors in the @$$, so

Bridge: [Linda-Sheryl-Argile-Kevin-Alan] (no) I don't want your contract (no)
I don't want to give you cash and (no)
I don't want to meet your lawyer (no)
I don't want none of your trash and

Chorus: [Everybody] No, I don't want no Stooge
A Stooge is a crook that can't get my book from me
Selling through their email ads to everybodyís Moms and Dads
And trying to sell their ďpublishingĒ to me (2X)

[Linda-Sheryl-Argile-Kevin-Alan]
There's a Stooge checkin' me but his tripe is kinda lame
And I know that he cannot come and hook me
Cuz I said that I am passing and his supporters say Iím bashing
While the whole time he has lots of checks that he is cashing, so

Bridge: [Linda-Sheryl-Argile-Kevin-Alan (Everybody)]
(no) I don't want your contract (no)
I don't want to give you cash and (no)
I don't want to meet your lawyer (no)
I don't want none of your trash and

Chorus: [Everybody] No, I don't want no Stooge
A Stooge is a crook that can't get my book from me
Selling through their email ads to everybodyís Moms and Dads
And trying to sell their ďpublishingĒ to me (2X)

[Linda-Sheryl-Argile-Kevin-Alan] If you don't have any real publishing credits and you're scamming...
[Everybody] Oh yes Stooge I'm talking to you
[Linda-Sheryl-Argile-Kevin-Alan] If your employees are all ex-convicts...
[Everybody] Oh yes Stooge I'm talking to you
[Linda-Sheryl-Argile-Kevin-Alan] If all you have is novels that you never successfully sell...
[Everybody (Victoria-Ann-Jenna-Jim-Dave-HapiSofi-Alan)] Oh yes Stooge I'm talking to you
(yea yea yea yea...)
[Linda-Sheryl-Argile-Kevin-Alan] Donít wanna get with a Stooge whoís drunk on booze
Oh no, I don't want no (oh)

[Linda-Sheryl-Argile-Kevin-Alan (Victoria-Ann-Jenna-Jim-Dave-HapiSofi-Alan)]
Nooooooooooooo (no Stooge) Stoooooooooooge (on booze)
Nooooooooooooo (no Stooge) Stoooooooooooge (on booze)
Nooooooooooooo (ah ah ah ah, no Stooge) Stoooooooooge (ah ah ah ah, on booze)
Nooooooooooooo (ah ah ah ah ah ah) Stooooooooooge, no no

Chorus: [Everybody] No, I don't want no Stooge
A Stooge is a crook that can't get my book from me
Selling through their email ads to everybodyís Moms and Dads
And trying to sell their ďpublishingĒ to me (2X)

Rap: [Victoria-Ann-Jenna-Jim-Dave-HapiSofi-Alan]
See, if you can't successfully sell my book without ME spending
Then that leaves you in a class with Stooges never repenting
I don't find it surprising that you don't have the means
To place my book in bookstores, here, there, nationwide, and overseas
So, let me give you something to think about
I know youíre in my mind and I have intentions to turn you out
Can't forget the Stoogesí pictures right here in front of me
Your operationís clearly POD on home computer screens
Humor me with one of your inferior publications
Youíve got a bad reputation, but you still suck and ďchange the nationĒ
With spell-check like incisions
Incompetence is what I envision
Canít detect good acquisition from their editorial decisions
Mr. Wee Willie, if you really wanna know
Just ask me, will I be your silly ho?
Not really, Vicky, our own Scam-Hunting Queen
Is spittin' rhymes with a teen (Alan Yee)
But you don't hear us though...

Chorus: [Everybody] No, I don't want no Stooge
A Stooge is a crook that can't get my book from me
Selling through their email ads to everybodyís Moms and Dads
And trying to sell their ďpublishingĒ to me (2X)

Alan Yee
05-13-2006, 01:12 AM
The Three Stooges are at it again. This time they are posing as T-Boz, Left Eye, and Chilli of TLC.

Featuring:
Ticked-Bozz a.k.a. Da-Mean-Bozz
+
Left Crapper a.k.a. Crap Eye
+
CHILLranda a.k.a. Chiranda
=
the TLC Posers

(sung to the tune of “I’m Good At Being Bad” by TLC, also from the album FanMail)


“I’m Good at Running Scams”

[CHILLranda (Left Crapper)] Rainy stormy crappy days
Slugs singin’ slimy squishy songs of Poz (that's so wonderfully gross, girl!)
As we have a plan to cook, just pickin’ up books
As our authors bow at our feet (awww)
Their money’s in our arms
And they can join our Author Mill for free (not for free)

[Left Crapper] Uh, mic-check Willie! Doh, what’s a Mike?
Is that the name of that one guy with the scary face who dresses funny?
Oops, sorry... hit it!

[Ticked-Bozz]
I need a not-bright writer, dumb as a broken lighter
Laced with a checkbook, not a Yog’s Law biter
Unique Artistic Vision fighter—0 rejections, no higher
Know how to write it and smite it wha wha

Bridge: [Ticked-Bozz] Now don’t get me wrong cuz I'm not a crook
Cuz “I don’t want your money, I just want your book”
Cuz our writers are all happy, see, give our website a look
So what you gon’ do what you gonna do

Hook: [Ticked-Bozz] (Crap Eye and CHILLranda ad-lib in background)
Basher you must be crazy
What you gonna do to stop a Stooge like me
I’m so good at running scams,
My company’s a sham, but my authors say I’m really sexy
Basher you must be crazy
What you gonna do to stop a Stooge like me
We’ve tied you up so tight
Make you squirm all night, and you can’t ever stop me baby

[Ticked-Bozz (CHILLranda)]
Sorry I kicked you out (kicked kicked kicked)
I guess I didn’t know that you’d repent after all (hah)
Well I guess I have to give you back the contract, the gag clause
The royalties (oh no, not the royalties)
Oh, hell no, wait a minute....
I’ll definitely keep that (woo, you scared me Willie)
I hope that you don’t mind, I'm not the legit kind (the legit kind)
[*spoken*] Never was, never will be

[Left Crapper] Uh, hit it Willie Dawg! Wait...
*stubs foot on a box of PA books*
Ouch! Go on, I’m okay!

[Ticked-Bozz]
I need a not-bright writer, dumb as a broken lighter
Laced with a checkbook, not a Yog’s Law biter
Unique Artistic Vision fighter—0 rejections, no higher
*SLURP* A gives-me-all-their-money type writer

Bridge: [Ticked-Bozz *singing*] Now don’t get me wrong cuz I'm not a crook
Cuz “I don’t want your money, I just want your book”
Cuz our writers are all happy, see, give our website a look
So what you gon’ do what you gonna do

Hook: [Ticked-Bozz] (Crap Eye and CHILLranda ad-lib in background)
Basher you must be crazy
What you gonna do to stop a Stooge like me
I'm so good at running scams,
My company’s a sham, but my authors say I’m really sexy
Basher you must be crazy
What you gonna do to stop a Stooge like me
We’ve tied you up so tight, make you squirm all night,
And you can’t ever stop me baby

[Ticked-Bozz] When I'm all alone I talk to myself
And I always wanted to own someone else
An author who gave me more money than
[*singing*] cough cough cough cough cough
A good scam is so hard to find
[spoken] Well, actually, a hard scam is so good to find
Yo, yeah baby!

Rap: [Left Crapper] Unh I understand you want see if I’m real
Brief you on Upset A Goliath Book Business before I strip search you so I can steal
Straight out of your checkbook, you see my bad intentions
The question is whether you’re selected for me to steal your pensions
I want you and your book I will not rest till I take it
But if you’re naked
I'll take you with the manuscript and make it (love)
Cuz I gotta get my money and you’ll never get yours
But never end the contract by sendin’ us through arbitration doors
You must be crazy to think
That you can mess with me
I try to escape the imprisonment of those publishers who sent rejections to me
The fulfillment of your hopes and dreams it seems to me,
An impossibility, except if you go with ME
You know what I mean

Hook: [Ticked-Bozz] (Left Crapper and CHILLranda ad-lib in background)Basher you must be crazy
What you gonna do to stop a Stooge like me
I'm so good at running scams,
My company’s a sham, but my authors say I’m really sexy
Basher you must be crazy
What you gonna do to stop a Stooge like me
We’ve tied you up so tight,
Make you squirm all night, and you can't ever stop me baby (2x)

[CHILLranda] Ha ha ha ha ha, that's right
Watch out there now, YOU CAN’T SEE ME!
Huh huh, so what you gonna do, what you gonna do to stop a Stooge
A Stooge like me basher (huh)
A Stooge like me basher (what)
A Stooge like me
A Stooge like moi!
We are the nation’s number one book publisher baby!

Komnena
06-23-2007, 04:10 PM
Ballad of the Porno Guy

Oh I'm just a real porn guy
I say with a sigh
writing porn all the livelong day
going to show others how come what may
sent my book to PA
Now I'm waiting for my cover art
need something really sexy and tart
PA's gonna give me their fancy clip art
then I'm a-going to bookstores adult
now that I've joined the PA cult

Rose the Short
07-14-2007, 09:25 PM
JENNA GLATZER (from FREDERICK TOWNHOUSE STORY)

LARRY

Dear kindly Jenna Glatzer,
Don't think I got no hope,
I'm just like Card'nal Ratzner
Who grew up to be Pope.
I used to be a spammer,
Bill ran a vanity,
Golly Moses, we only want our fee!

...




I'm late on the ball, but I'm in Luuuuuuurrrvvveeee!

Komnena
07-16-2007, 07:19 AM
PA's a Many Splendored Thing
Just send them a sting
and call them great
don't them rate
it makes them irate
and banned you will be
just you see

James D. Macdonald
01-12-2009, 09:09 PM
To the tune of Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipZDG6__Zfc)


I'm too edgy for the store too edgy for the store
Most books aren't sold there

I'm too edgy for my tie too edgy for my tie
I'm such a edgy guy
And I'm too edgy for Fort Wayne
Boise and Des Plaines

And I'm too edgy for your bookstore
Too edgy for your bookstore
No way I'll do a signing

I'm a writer you know what I mean
And I post my little spiel down at PA
Yeah down at PA down at PA yeah
I post my little spiel down at PA

I'm too edgy for the 'Net too edgy for the 'Net
Too edgy, you bet
And I'm too edgy for my shoes
Too edgy for my shoes and now you've heard the news

I'm a writer you know what I mean
And I post my little spiel down at PA
Yeah down at PA down at PA yeah
I write a lot of mush down at PA

I'm too edgy for my too edgy for my too edgy for my

'Cos I'm a writer you know what I mean
And I post my little spiel down at PA
Yeah down at PA down at PA yeah
I write a lot of mush down at PA

I'm too edgy for the shelves too edgy for the shelves
All stocked by bookstore elves
I'm too edgy for the store too edgy for the store
Most books aren't sold there

And I'm too edgy for this song

merrihiatt
01-12-2009, 10:09 PM
:roll: I just fell out of my office chair. Great start to my work week!

James D. Macdonald
01-13-2009, 12:46 AM
Why bash the one who helps you? A New Author's Lament (http://bb.publishamerica.com/viewtopic.php?t=28502&start=15&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=)

A New Author's Lament (http://ingeb.org/songs/laredo2.mid)

As I walked out in the aisles of a bookstore
As I walked out all the volumes to see
I spied a new author behind a small table
A table bedecked with a lollipop tree.

"I see by your tee-shirt that you are a writer,"
These words he did say as I slowly walked by,
"Come sit down beside me and hear a sad story
For I went with PA and found out they lie."

"They sent me a contract, I read it o'er slowly,
They sent me a contract, I signed it with glee,
I'd read all the bashers, I'd heard all their stories,
Such things, I was sure, wouldn't happen to me."

"Unlike all the others I'd done lots of research,
Unlike all the rest I'd a marketing plan,
Unlike all the rest, realistic 'spectations,
To help my book's sales I would do what I can."

"So here in a bookstore I sit with a carton
Of volumes I bought with my author's discount:
Oh please take a book; I will cheerfully sign it
And sell it to you for just half my amount."

The next time that I saw the name of that author
Was when he was banned on the PAMB;
He'd given up writing and turned old and bitter
But he still has his books and his lollipop tree.

Gillhoughly
01-13-2009, 05:51 AM
BWAHHHHHHHH! :cry:

Really. That's sad but true. And SAD.