Do you think I have the chops for this

Metaphysical Boy · Mar 12, 2005

If I have posted this in this forum before, be patient for my memory is about as strong as a computer made by a seven year old in China. Just tell me if you likes

Big pink turtles in push up bras

It’s the new year and that means that resolutions are made. People who can’t even remember to zip their pants vow to lose weight so they can walk around leaving the barn open on smaller pants. Maybe they think that smaller the pants, the lesser the chance of someone noticing that they are wearing Scooby Doo boxers. *singing* Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? You’re on my underwear now.

New Year’s resolutions have been around for some time. They date back to 3575 BC when the men would vow at the beginning of each year that they would take the garbage out at least once each year. How, you may ask, did they make resolutions 3575 years before time was recorded on calendar? Well, they planned ahead, a tactic which we should all learn from. This is why we should already be preparing for the year 3096, the day that the world is invaded by giant pink turtles. Sure, you laugh now but don’t come crying to me when the turtles come to suck out your spleen.

I try to make resolutions that I know I can keep. For instance, a common resolution of mine might be to not buy a push up bra all year long. Since I’m a single guy who gets no satisfaction out of wearing women’s clothing, I know I can keep my promise.

The problem with New Year’s resolutions is that they try to make us think about what is wrong with us. What can we do to better ourselves? Well, I can safely say that I am 101% perfect. That used to be 102% but I donated 1% to charity last Christmas.

I’m no specialist but I’m able give good advice on matters such as this. Why? Because I’ve got a big mouth. I’m like Lucy in the Peanuts comics. She’d set up a booth offering advice and then never give out anything helpful. Kind of like Dr. Laura does in real life. Lucy charged five cents for advice. Because of inflation, I’ve been forced to increase this price to thirty five cents. After reading this, please send your thirty five cents to me right away. And now, onto some advice.

Lose Weight aka Get In Shape : This seems to be the most popular resolution and the one which has the greatest chance of being broken 20 minutes after it’s made. Whatever you do, don’t make this resolution just to impress someone. If someone is going to love you because of your outer beauty then they are very shallow. The reason for loving someone is very clear. Money. Also, don’t ever work too hard to burn off fat. You’ll just end up pulling some groin muscle you never knew you had.

Becoming More Spiritual : There’s nothing better than getting closer to your chosen deity. But please don’t go to your place of worship just to get caught up on some sleep. And don’t go to church just because you think that the bread and wine makes a good breakfast. Finally, don’t be the guy that sits in front of me. Everytime the holy water is sprinkled upon him, he yells out, “It’s raining in here,” and then takes out an umbrella.

Become Smarter : Let’s face it, if you want to get ahead in the world you have to be smart or at least make people think that you are. Use words like tautological, reverie, felicitous and adroit in regular conversations, even if you don’t know what all of the words mean. Then, make up some words. Some that I have made up are qaudfartilism, yummybummyhumdrum and snarfweasel, a word I have used in a newspaper column and no one complained that it’s not even a word. Next, you must read as many books as possible. Some titles that I can suggest are “How To Beat A Blind Person In Chess”, “Elegant Poetry That No One Understands” and “Philosophy For People Who Don’t Give A Damn.” Practice some of these techniques and you could become a better you. Ok, I’m lying to you. You won’t become better but instead be under the false impression that you are, leading family and friends to laugh their heads off. If you want to lead another life, may I suggest you call my psychiatrist, Dr. Igotta Sorebum, who’ll help you realize that you’re the best you you can be. He’ll also convince you that you’re attracted to Bea Arthur.

Metaphysical Boy · Mar 13, 2005

And another

Halloween: Sugar quest, with imagination

Halloween has once again crept up on us.

What was created as a festival for the dead has now become a joyous occasion for kids young and old. You’ll see boys dressed as Harry Potter and girls dressed as a princess.

Then you’ll see those kids whose costumes don’t look like anything at all and they make up some strange name for what they are supposed to be.

“I’m a snarfweasel!” they’ll scream.

Each year young and old scour the aisles of stores to find that perfect costume. They pay some obscene price for a getup they’ll only wear it one time. After all, kids want to be something different each year. They may want to be Harry Potter this year, but next year, who knows what? Maybe next year kids will want to be Ralph Malph from “Happy Days.”

Whatever happened to the days when parents were cheap and made their kids basically wear the same costume every year but put some imagination into it? I can still remember my Halloweens.

• 1984: My mother says, “Josh, sweetheart, you’ll be the cutest Michael Jackson on the block.”

• 1985: My mother says, “Josh, sweetheart, you’ll be the cutest break dancer on the block.”

• 1986: My mother says, “Josh, sweetheart, you’ll be ... well, frankly I don’t know what you are this year but you’ll still get candy.”

So on this Oct. 31 millions of children across the country will go out onto the streets in quest of another sugar high. When the doors open, they all know the secret password to get candy: “Trick or treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat!”

I remember Halloween last year as I was sitting down in a coffee shop for a light snack after work. I looked out the window and children were trick or treating at three in the afternoon! When I was a kid, you never went before dark. You were obligated to go at night.

Nowadays, many kids are forbidden to walk around their neighborhood at night. Parents fear they may run into the Bogeyman or maybe the Tooth Fairy when she’s in a bad mood.

So, obviously things have changed. Some things haven’t, though. Kids will still get so much candy that they will develop a three-day sugar high and uncontrollably start singing Rosemary Clooney tunes in the middle of science class.

All of this candy consumption will cause numerous cavities and make unhealthy kids even less healthy. Is it worth it? You betcha. Who can refuse candy? It is, after all, one of the major food groups.

So prepare yourself, parents. Some of you will be escorting your kids door to door and watching them yell at the one person who decides to pass out only toothbrushes. Other parents will be sneaking candy out of their kids’ Halloween bags and blaming it on the dog. And we need to be prepared for the adolescent hooligans who every year are under the impression that they invented pumpkin smashing. Let’s try to have a safe and happy Halloween. And kids, if you feel generous this year and don’t want some of your candy, I really do like Three Musketeer bars.

:Soapbox:

Metaphysical Boy · Mar 13, 2005

Well..

I take it that since no one has answered I am talentless

aka eraser · Mar 14, 2005

Metaphysical Boy said:
I take it that since no one has answered I am talentless

No, not talentless; there's a few smile-inducers lurking in those pieces but knitting together a series of one-liners doesn't always result in a wearable piece.

The themes are classic ones; a lot of humourists have milked resolutions and Halloween. I didn't find your take on them to be fresh enough. I did like where you started going with the Mom/Michael Jackson thing though.

Humour is a tough, tough gig and because of its subjectivity it's very difficult (at least for me) to say "do this or that and it will be funnier." It either works for the reader or it doesn't.

But in a general sense....

Let's consider your Halloween piece.

You open with a few paragraphs about costumes. Then there's one about a sugar high and the trick or treat chant. Then a couple of paragraphs about the trend towards afternoon trick or treating. Then the sugar high mention again and a reference to Rosemary Clooney. (How many kids today even know her let alone her songs?) The last graph just kinda rambles all over the map.

My impression of your pieces was that you shotgunned a few thoughts that only loosely related to the overall theme, hoping a few would find the mark. There's no cohesion and I think you need to work on flow. Consider a row of dominoes. You want each tipped piece to flow effortlessly to the next and to the next until the whole pattern is revealed. It takes a lot of time and trouble and painstaking patience to set it up so that it appears seamless.

In essay writing, humourous or not, I like endings that relate to beginnings. I like to take the reader on a walk around the block, pointing out sights of interest along the way but ending up more or less where we started.

Try stating your premise in the first graph or two - maybe how Halloween has changed since you were a kid. Then you could flow more easily into costumes then and costumes now: timing of the treat or treating then vs the timing now. You might wrap up with what the realization that maybe it's not so different after all; it's still about kids, candy and cavities.

Keep at it. Try not to be discouraged. We can all improve.

batyler65 · Mar 14, 2005

Whoa! Wait a minute! Some of us need time to respond!

Like Frank said, you aren't talentless, but you need to tighten your focus. There are funny bits in there, but they are getting lost.

Frex: In your Halloween piece, focus on costume selection OR the quest for sugar, not both. You've got too much info being dumped here and while both parts have their fun spots, they are cancelling each other out. Like Frank, I enjoyed the Mom/Michael Jackson segment and would have liked to see a little more nostalgia for "the good old days" with mom. If you narrow your focus, you gain the word count to explore that.

It's plain from your writing that you have a sense of humor and the sense of timing to pull off the one liners. Now all you need is to work on the organization. Give it time, practice and don't get discouraged. Humor is one of the toughest niches in the biz.

Best of luck,
Barb

Do you think I have the chops for this

Metaphysical Boy

Metaphysical Boy

Metaphysical Boy

aka eraser

Fish Whisperer

batyler65

Plot Monkey