Let's talk about infidelity

Red-Green · Jan 17, 2008

Not necessarily in personal terms--I'm not asking anybody to spill their personal dirt, but I'm working on a story for which I need some input.

I've got a character, Jennifer, a 20-something event planner with a multinational corporation. She has a fiancé, with whom she owns a condo. I won't go into all the gory details of how she reaches a state of emotional upheaval, but it has nothing to do with the fiancé. In this state, she has a rather ugly, stupid sexual encounter with another guy, who is the new boyfriend of a woman she knows from church. She's mortified and shocked at what she's done, but she's absolutely sure that she can't tell the fiancé. On the other hand, she doesn't know whether the guy is going to tell his girlfriend. What I'm really trying to work through here is how I think she'll behave around her fiancé and how she'll behave when she runs into the woman from church.

Thoughts?

C.bronco · Jan 17, 2008

I guess her behavior would depend on her moral fiber. Does she feel guilty, or is she just afraid of being caught? Does she care about the woman from her church? How people handle dilemmas reveals a lot about their character.

DeadlyAccurate · Jan 17, 2008

She might be extra nice to both, perhaps going out of her way to compliment the woman and doing lots of extra things for the fiance.

IceCreamEmpress · Jan 17, 2008

There's a new-ish book called The Other Woman, which is a collection of essays by 21 women about their experiences with infidelity (either as the cheater or cheat-ee). It's edited by Victoria Zackheim.

It might be worth taking a look at to get some sense of how people understand their own experiences with this.

If it were me, I'd overcompensate by being extremely warm to the woman from church (but loath to do anything with her and her partner, which might be a surprise), and I'd be silent and awkward with my fiance.

NeuroFizz · Jan 17, 2008

You have the makings of significant emotional tension here. Don't look for others to do the work for you now that you've done the hard part. Use that wonderful thing called imagination and set her up in situations that will bring the tension to her mind. I bet you won't be dry when it comes to her emotional reactions. The cool thing about fiction--we can have our characters do anything we want them to do, even though they end up doing some surprising things when the words go on paper. Run with it.

Red-Green · Jan 17, 2008

I'm looking for input, because I'm worried that right now my imagination is trying to lead me down the easy road--immediate high conflict, whereas I want high tension with the conflict to come. So I'm playing with ideas on how to draw the tension out. Plus, I want to know what people think they would do in this situation.

She is a nice girl and mostly a sympathetic character, and she feels guilty about what she did, but also afraid of being caught. She does blame herself and ought to, because she really did force the situation. It was the first time she and the guy had been alone, and only the second or third time they'd ever met. He gave her a ride somewhere as a favor. She was upset, crying, and forced a comforting hug into something else--although the sex act didn't reach completion (well that sounds lewd no matter how I try to phrase it

)

So it was a single physical encounter between two near strangers. And she's struggling to figure out why she even did it.

Bubastes · Jan 17, 2008

Redzilla said:
She is a nice girl and mostly a sympathetic character, and she feels guilty about what she did, but also afraid of being caught. She does blame herself and ought to, because she really did force the situation.

See, IMO, I almost feel like that it makes it too easy. Even if she's blaming herself, is she really? Is she blaming herself because she's truly remorseful, or is she blaming herself because that's what nice girls do and she wants to see herself as a nice girl? Even if she did force the situation, how does she justify it to herself (at least in the beginning)? People who immediately admit their own mistakes often aren't as interesting as those who try to hide or justify them first (I personally find earnest characters either irritating or suspicious). I'd want to grill the character in a really in-depth interview and try to get behind what she says she's feeling.

Takvah · Jan 17, 2008

Let me fix one thing for you real quick like... THE GUY ISN'T GOING TO SAY JACK TO HIS GIRLFRIEND. It's women that need to purge that kind of stuff. This guy has a nice memory (unless he wants something... more sex, money... etc.) and that's just fine for most of us. Really. I mean it.

And NO, I have not cheated on my beautiful wife... I just happen to be a dude and know how we think. Put away your knives ladies.

Red-Green · Jan 17, 2008

I don't see her as too much of a goody-goody, because above every other consideration, she wants to keep it a secret. So, she may say to herself, "It was all my fault," but deep down, she's also saying, "But it wasn't so bad that I deserve to be caught and punished." Because she doesn't want to lose her fiancé or her condo. So I think some of her rationalization is: "I was really upset, I was lonely (fiancé was out of town for a business meeting), plus it didn't really go all the way." (As they stopped halfway through.)

Red-Green · Jan 17, 2008

Takvah said:
Let me fix one thing for you real quick like... THE GUY ISN'T GOING TO SAY JACK TO HIS GIRLFRIEND. It's women that need to purge that kind of stuff. This guy has a nice memory (unless he wants something... more sex, money... etc.) and that's just fine for most of us. Really. I mean it.

And NO, I have not cheated on my beautiful wife... I just happen to be a dude and know how we think. Put away your knives ladies.

Well, I'll be curious what other guys have to say, because I have in fact had a boyfriend confess to cheating on me. So maybe he didn't get the same play manual you did.

Scrawler · Jan 17, 2008

I think might depend on how she behaves in other stressful, distressing situations. Does she clam up? Does she babble stupidly? Does she act aloof? Her typical behavior could alert her fiancé to a problem (as in, "you always babble when you're upset- what's going on?")

Me? I'd become jittery and my movements would become kind of jerky---that's how I usually get when I get my lovers, my lover's lover, and my husband in the same room.* AWKWARD!!

*joke

DWSTXS · Jan 17, 2008

I think that she would eventually be in the prescence of her woman friend and the guy at the same time....and her own nervousness, and his, would give the woman the idea to put two and two together...........

It's always been MY opinion that people will give themselves away......they will, subconsciously or otherwise, point out their own lies, flaws, etc.........

For instance.......if you're with, or near someone...and you suddenly stop talking...and just stare at them...or just flat-out do not say a word......most people will talk and talk out of pure nervousness....and eventually they will say something telling about themselves.........If a man and woman are fighting/arguing....the best way to win the argument, is to stop talking, period. Just stop talking. It makes the other person so nervous that they say things they shouldn't.........sort of an interrogators way of introducing truth serum into the situation. If you don't believe it, try it. People always give themselves away, or tell on themselves.
That's what I see happening with your character..........

well...........just my 2 cents worth!

Good luck with it!

Takvah · Jan 17, 2008

Redzilla said:
Well, I'll be curious what other guys have to say, because I have in fact had a boyfriend confess to cheating on me. So maybe he didn't get the same play manual you did.

He's obviously .... GAY.

Oh now come on people... cut a neanderthal a break.

Straka · Jan 17, 2008

Redzilla said:
Not necessarily in personal terms--

/me puts bottle of red wine away.

NeuroFizz · Jan 17, 2008

Let me elaborate on my earlier post. The variety of reactions from both the woman and the man could be as different as there are different kinds of people in this world, but tainted with a scent of the man versus woman thing (for Takvah). What it will really hinges on is how you have set up the individual characters, and their relationship, before the cheating occurs. This is why I feel leaning to heavily on our suggestions may not create the best flow and consistency for your story. An exception forms if you are using this event to backwards-write the characterization and the properties of the relationship (nothing wrong with this). For this to seem really believable, the reactions of the characters to this strain (consistent with their established character or jolting in nature) will be set up well in advance of this event through your initial character-building.

For example, are your characters even-tempered, hot-headed, sentimental, shy, desperate? Is the relationship solid, without argument, with "typical" hassles, with serious problems? Does each character respect/trust the other, have a co-dependency, distrust the other, nag the other? Things like this will influence the reactions, and either make the reader shake his/her head in knowing expectation, slap his/her forehead at an unexpected reaction that was sutbly telegraphed, or recoil at a rather rash reaction that is supported later in the story (creating suspense if done right).

maestrowork · Jan 17, 2008

What would your character do?

When you have to ask that kind of questions, that means a) you don't know your characters well, b) you're try to pull their strings to do what you, the author, wants, and c) you're not really thinking of what makes the most sense for your characters and the story.

Like Fizzy said, this is ripe with conflicts (both internal and external) and is a gold mine to explore in terms of plot and character development. Get to know your characters more, and see what they're going to do in that situation. Try not to judge them as an author, but allow them to do what is "right" for them (or not -- let them make a fool of themselves... that's what drama is about).

Chase · Jan 17, 2008

I would be highly suspicious as to the motives of a boyfriend confessing an infidelity.

I'm not saying some don't honestly work Step 8 and desperately need to make a list of all persons wronged and need to make amends to them all, but most guys would tend to employ the caveat in Step 9, "except when to do so would injure them or others." I'm just agreeing with Takvah that the male thought pattern is different in that way from the female thought pattern.

It's like the tiny mistakes some women writers make about men's dialogue. I'm sure some guys now copy the once gal habit to isolated "so," in "I was so humiliated." But most don't. Most guys finish it: "I was so humiliated that I left." My brother once said, "Don't go there," to mean "I don't want to talk about it," then blushed at the stares he got, explaining his wife said it all the time. It was just out of place for the way most guys speak. Those are only two examples.

In the case of confessions to significant others, its my experience that women open that envelope most often. Most males I've known who admitted to infidelity are trying to end the relationship, bragging by whining to revenge a hurt, would like to divert attention from something worse, or something along those lines. It's more typical to keep his mouth shut without specific motivation to do otherwise.

I only offer this dissenting opinion because I appreciate when a lady reader points out, "What you just had her say doesn't sound right."

Red-Green · Jan 17, 2008

I think I appreciate all the concern that I'm not thinking this through based on my characters, but really, to say that by asking I "don't know my characters," well...that seems way out of line. Trust me, I know my characters, but what I need an opportunity to talk this out with other people, to feel my way toward what works and makes sense. If I can't do that here, what's the point of this board, folks?

Kerr · Jan 17, 2008

Takvah said:
Let me fix one thing for you real quick like... THE GUY ISN'T GOING TO SAY JACK TO HIS GIRLFRIEND. It's women that need to purge that kind of stuff. This guy has a nice memory (unless he wants something... more sex, money... etc.) and that's just fine for most of us. Really. I mean it.

And NO, I have not cheated on my beautiful wife... I just happen to be a dude and know how we think. Put away your knives ladies.

The real point here is not whether a guy will say something to turn himself in, but what a woman worries he will do. Your MC obviously didn't know him well enough to ask, now her guilt is eating at her and every time her fiance` looks at her in a meaningful way making her wonders exactly what the look means.

Yes, it's the moral character of your MC you need to explore. Just like men, there are women who feel no guilt, or feel justified and are able to put it behind them. It might end up the other woman's perceptiveness which causes the problems.

I have always found it interesting in this type of situation, that someone in a relationship who accuses, 9 out of 10 times is doing the thing they accuse the other of doing. Food for thought.

NeuroFizz · Jan 17, 2008

Please don't get upset. I have been trying to get you to think deeper about how you set up then create the reactions of your characters to this cheating event, or to tell us how you have brought it along in a three-dimensional (for your characters) and consistent, or suspensefully inconsistent, manner. It's kind of tough to make suggestions without any significant background in this regard. And I don't think any of my comments have been critical of you.

Red-Green · Jan 17, 2008

No, NF, it was Maestro who peeved me.

The reason I want random input without delving into more background of characters is that I don't want to do the obvious thing. I don't want to settle in comfortably being sure I know what my characters would do. I want to think about how other people see infidelity. Because for me, characters are always a work in progress at this stage, and I don't want to get stuck in what I thought the character was about in the first five pages I wrote. It's nice to get other humans' input on things.

NeuroFizz said:
Please don't get upset. I have been trying to get you to think deeper about how you set up then create the reactions of your characters to this cheating event, or to tell us how you have brought it along in a three-dimensional (for your characters) and consistent, or suspensefully inconsistent, manner. It's kind of tough to make suggestions without any significant background in this regard. And I don't think any of my comments have been critical of you.

icerose · Jan 17, 2008

The problem is Red, we don't know your characters. It's like asking "How would a woman react if she just killed someone."

Well...it depends.

Was it in self defense, was she abused, did she know him, and so on. Is she a devious kind of person. She could take a shower but leave the body and all her clothes right there just to get the blood off.

Or she could call up someone she's blackmailing and get them to help her ditch the body.

She could burn down the house.

She could go insane.

She could kill herself.

It all comes down to who the character is.

I think that's all they're trying to say. They don't know your character or your character's personality, her ticks, her weaknesses, and so on. Does she even love her fiance? Is she in it for the condo and the companionship not the actual relationship? Is she deeply attached to him or more in love with the idea of being in love? All of these will have impact on how she reacts and ultimately only you can decide which way it's going to go.

Red-Green · Jan 17, 2008

Kerr, Chase, and Takvah,

All some interesting observations on the habits and motivations of many men. I'm always fascinated by the different ways men and women view secrets and confessions. Thanks!

maestrowork · Jan 17, 2008

I'm sorry if I peeved you. I am not saying you don't know your characters. I am saying when people ask these kinds of questions, usually it leads to certain issues they have with their characters. How your characters react in that situation shouldn't have to depend on how a bunch of writers on AW feel about infidelity personally, imho. The sample size on AW is really small. If you ask 10 people, you're going to get at least a few different answers. It depends on your character, and we don't know your characters as well as you do.

Red-Green · Jan 17, 2008

Ah, but while you call it a problem, you're offering me a thousand solutions...all your questions, all your theories, they're all food for thought. They all force me to say--would my character do that? What does she think about that? And then answer them. I don't want you to answer the questions, I want you to ask them. Plus, secretly, I'm hoping someone will dish dirty about how they felt after cheating on someone...

(But that is just pure orneriness on my part.)

icerose said:
The problem is Red, we don't know your characters. It's like asking "How would a woman react if she just killed someone."

Well...it depends.

Was it in self defense, was she abused, did she know him, and so on. Is she a devious kind of person. She could take a shower but leave the body and all her clothes right there just to get the blood off.

Or she could call up someone she's blackmailing and get them to help her ditch the body.

She could burn down the house.

She could go insane.

She could kill herself.

It all comes down to who the character is.

I think that's all they're trying to say. They don't know your character or your character's personality, her ticks, her weaknesses, and so on. Does she even love her fiance? Is she in it for the condo and the companionship not the actual relationship? Is she deeply attached to him or more in love with the idea of being in love? All of these will have impact on how she reacts and ultimately only you can decide which way it's going to go.

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