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View Full Version : Having kids, not having kids, and regrets



thethinker42
01-16-2008, 10:17 PM
For those of you who have children...if you had it to do over, knowing what you know now, would you have chosen to become a parent? (I'm NOT asking if you love your children...just curious if you would have done things the same)

For those of you who have *chosen* not to have children...do you ever regret it?

cray
01-16-2008, 10:19 PM
you first,...

thethinker42
01-16-2008, 10:20 PM
you first,...

I don't have kids. I've been trying to do so for 4 years, and am having very strong second thoughts.

Rolling Thunder
01-16-2008, 10:22 PM
I haven't had children, don't plan on having children, and don't regret it.

(Unless you mean lightly toasted and served on a crunchy French bread. That's different.) ;)

Joycecwilliams
01-16-2008, 10:22 PM
For those of you who have children...if you had it to do over, knowing what you know now, would you have chosen to become a parent? (I'm NOT asking if you love your children...just curious if you would have done things the same)

For those of you who have *chosen* not to have children...do you ever regret it?

No, I don't think I would. People think that their spouse, lover, life partner etc.. hurts them. Well nothing hurts you like your children hurt you.
Don't get me wrong. There are good things about having children. I am talking about grown children. Drug addiction. Child Neglect. I didn't raise my kids that way... and it breaks my heart...

quickWit
01-16-2008, 10:24 PM
I have two kids, and I'd have it no other way.

jennifer75
01-16-2008, 10:25 PM
For those of you who have children...if you had it to do over, knowing what you know now, would you have chosen to become a parent? (I'm NOT asking if you love your children...just curious if you would have done things the same)

For those of you who have *chosen* not to have children...do you ever regret it?

I highly doubt you'll find anybody saying, "if I could do it over again, I wouldn't". Really. You may know that you would have been able to do things better, but once that little person is in your life you can't imagine life without them.

So to answer your question, I would not change a thing.

C.bronco
01-16-2008, 10:25 PM
I have never once regretted having my boy. I would definitely do it again.

TrainofThought
01-16-2008, 10:25 PM
For those of you who have *chosen* not to have children...do you ever regret it?Not for a millisecond, minute or an hour. I've stuck to this decision and lost along the way, but I wouldn't have it any other way. No regrets here.

William Haskins
01-16-2008, 10:26 PM
I have two kids, and I'd have it no other way.

ditto that.

awatkins
01-16-2008, 10:29 PM
My daughter is the best thing about me.

Perks
01-16-2008, 10:33 PM
I did not intend to have children. I don't really like children. My biological curiosity overrode my well-developed objections - twice - and I'm really glad it did. My kids are awesome.

Gina M
01-16-2008, 10:35 PM
I have three teenagers, had them when I was in my twenties. Everyone thought I was crazy, throwing my life away etc. When they were babies, it was physically exhausting. Now they are teens, it is mentally exhausting. Would I change it - never. They are great kids, I have an awesome career ( with writing on the side) and if all goes as planned, they will all be in university/ on their own by the time I'm 45. It'll be a new life for my husband and I.:)

William Haskins
01-16-2008, 10:36 PM
you had teenagers in your twenties?

man, you were an early bloomer.

jennifer75
01-16-2008, 10:38 PM
No, I don't think I would. People think that their spouse, lover, life partner etc.. hurts them. Well nothing hurts you like your children hurt you.
Don't get me wrong. There are good things about having children. I am talking about grown children. Drug addiction. Child Neglect. I didn't raise my kids that way... and it breaks my heart...

Wait, you don't want to have kids because you're afraid they'll hurt you?

WendyNYC
01-16-2008, 10:39 PM
I did not intend to have children. I don't really like children. My biological curiosity overrode my well-developed objections - twice - and I'm really glad it did. My kids are awesome.


Same here. I had no desire to have kids when I was in my early 20s. No way, uh-uh, not for me.

But now? I can't imagine life without them. I adore them, even when they are making me crazy.

Mom'sWrite
01-16-2008, 10:39 PM
Wow, kids are a trip. They're a trip to places in the heart that you can't even imagine, and not always good places but always worthwhile ones.

I've always identified with the line from Kalil Gibran's The Prophet. "Your children are not your children." They are whole universes unto themselves, universes that come from you but aren't here for you. How they grow, what they think, who they become, each moment of their lives is so completely their own and not yours. And what they give back to you, whether it's love or sass is a glimpse into terra incognita. It's really very cool.

I'm glad of the experience even when I hate it.

dolores haze
01-16-2008, 10:40 PM
I really miss the life I had before I had my two kids - sometimes quite desperately. It was an exciting, adventurous, spur-of-the-moment, existence. My life is rather different now, and I don't regret it. I never knew love like this existed.

nerds
01-16-2008, 10:42 PM
No regrets - becoming a parent was the best thing that ever happened to me. It still is the best part of my life, now that I have a grown son who is aces. More kids were not in the cards, I wish they had been, but at least I have the one.

Jaycinth
01-16-2008, 10:44 PM
I have two kids. One is now 15 and the other is 21. If my marriage had been more stable and if we'd had more money, I guess we would have had one or two more.

Yes. They are a trial. Raising kids is not for everybody.

However, not only would I do it again in a heartbeat, but, when my baby is in college, I'm going to take a serious look at being a foster parent and adopting.

Something about having a big crayon heart with 'I luv you mom' drawn on the nice, newly painted dining room wall, is something that I...for some strange twisted reason...miss.

Devil Ledbetter
01-16-2008, 10:46 PM
They're a trip to places in the heart that you can't even imagine, and not always good places but always worthwhile ones.
Nicely said.

I have two terrific kids. I am lucky. They're healthy, smart, and reasonably well behaved most of the time.

But I understand the choice not to have kids, I respect it (my best friend is childless by choice) and every so often, I envy it just a teeny bit.

MidnightMuse
01-16-2008, 10:46 PM
Never wanted kids, never had them, and rarely ever regret it. My only occasional regret is the fear that no one will be around to care for me in my elderly stages - then again, there's nothing saying my kids would have, either. So I put money away that I can bribe someone with, when the time comes.

Jersey Chick
01-16-2008, 10:52 PM
How funny I should stumble across this when my 7 year old is home early from school with a stomachache and my 2 year old is having a meltdown because I won't let him bounce his sister's Gameboy across the kitchen floor...

No - I don't regret it and I wouldn't change a thing, except possibly the order in which they were born - son first, daughter later. Although judging by my son, if he'd been first, he'd be an only child. ;)

The only real regret I have is not making the decision to have my son sooner. Almost 5 years between kids is too much time...

NeuroFizz
01-16-2008, 10:56 PM
No matter what I accomplish in my life, nothing will measure even close to my children in terms of my life's significance (to me, of course). How's that? Too wishy-washy?

I just finished answering the "who do you love best" question for Little Fizzette by explaining my love is not like cutting up a pie. Each child gets his/her own complete pie. If there are other things in life that divide that way, I'd sure like to hear about them. Uh-oh. I feel a poem coming...please not now. I have too much to do.

DeleyanLee
01-16-2008, 10:59 PM
For those of you who have children...if you had it to do over, knowing what you know now, would you have chosen to become a parent? (I'm NOT asking if you love your children...just curious if you would have done things the same)

If I'm going by regrets, then the one thing I regret and would undo in my life is ever getting involved with my ex. No ex, no kids.

I never wanted kids. I hated the idea of being a mother. I tried to get my tubes tied as soon as I was 18, but the medical mindset of the time said "No" because of my age and the lack of children. (GRRRRRRR) My ex wanted to continue the family "legacy" of male names. Both of my kids were conceived even though we were using contraception.

Even so, my kids are great people who turned out better than I ever hoped. But if I had it to do over again, they probably wouldn't exist.

Jaycinth
01-16-2008, 11:00 PM
Never wanted kids, never had them, and rarely ever regret it. My only occasional regret is the fear that no one will be around to care for me in my elderly stages - then again, there's nothing saying my kids would have, either. So I put money away that I can bribe someone with, when the time comes.

I've told my kids to remember my friends when the time comes. I used to remember my mom's friends and try to visit or at least write.

So...for a nice healthy bribe, I'll tell my kids to not TP your home when you are too elderly to chase them.

Perks
01-16-2008, 11:04 PM
But I understand the choice not to have kids, I respect it (my best friend is childless by choice) and every so often, I envy it just a teeny bit.Oh definitely.

akiwiguy
01-16-2008, 11:08 PM
We'll never know the outcomes of the twists and turns that our life might have made under different circumstances. I absolutely love my children and cannot imagine life without them. Could I have enjoyed life equally if I had remained childless all my life? Probably, but that is now totally hypothetical.

Marriage is another matter. If I could re-run my life, that one wouldn't have ever happened, I'm one hundred percent sure of that.

CaroGirl
01-16-2008, 11:08 PM
I have two of them. They're tremendous. The only thing I regret is not having at least one more of the little bastards.

kristie911
01-16-2008, 11:08 PM
I didn't want kids when I was in my early 20's. Then I got pregnant and I really didn't want kids (being pregnant was a horrible experience for me!). Then I had my son and I realized he was the best thing I ever did.

I wouldn't change a second of it.

Stew21
01-16-2008, 11:08 PM
No regrets here. My boys are the best things that ever happened to me.

I didn't know how much a heart could grow until I had them.

Mom'sWrite
01-16-2008, 11:09 PM
Never wanted kids, never had them, and rarely ever regret it. My only occasional regret is the fear that no one will be around to care for me in my elderly stages - then again, there's nothing saying my kids would have, either. So I put money away that I can bribe someone with, when the time comes.


My three kids tell me every day how they will never leave me. It makes me wince.

I can see a day when I'll be redecorating their bedrooms into offices and workout studios while they are out.

tjwriter
01-16-2008, 11:09 PM
Nothing in my life has made me feel the way my daughter does. She's my beacon out there in the sea of life.

And some days I just want to run away. I'll echo Devil and Perks by saying that some days there is a little envy to the freedom of those who are childless. When you know you need a break and it's just not available.

But I get and completely respect the decision to not have children. Not every person is up for the same types of things, which is totally cool. The difference in our choices is part of what makes us cool.

So while, I wouldn't change a thing, I think my husband would have like to wait a little longer. Having children has been very life-fulfilling for me.

tjwriter
01-16-2008, 11:11 PM
I can see a day when I'll be redecorating their bedrooms into offices and workout studios while they are out.

Ha! The weekend after I moved out from my parents' house, you could even tell I ever lived there.

kristie911
01-16-2008, 11:15 PM
Marriage is another matter. If I could re-run my life, that one wouldn't have ever happened, I'm one hundred percent sure of that.

I feel the same way!

TrainofThought
01-16-2008, 11:15 PM
Never wanted kids, never had them, and rarely ever regret it. My only occasional regret is the fear that no one will be around to care for me in my elderly stages - then again, there's nothing saying my kids would have, either. So I put money away that I can bribe someone with, when the time comes.This reminds me of a woman I periodically see on the train. She goes on and on about her kids and husband (mostly complaining) and then has a problem with me not wanting kids. She actually asked me, "Well who will take care of you when you're old?" I responded, "Who will take care of you? There's no guarantee your kids will want anything to do with you when your old." She didn't like that response.

jennifer75
01-16-2008, 11:15 PM
Although judging by my son, if he'd been first, he'd be an only child. ;)



Aint that the truth.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
01-16-2008, 11:18 PM
Never had. Never, ever wanted. Was way too scared I'd have a litter like my sister's and I'd have had to kill 'em. Lucky enough to find a man who felt the same way - especially after he met my sister's brood. No regrets from either of us.

Shadow_Ferret
01-16-2008, 11:18 PM
I have kids.

I never wanted kids.

If I were able to do it over again, I wouldn't have kids. I would make sure I was sterilized or had some industrial accident or anything.

That said, I love my kids now.

Sunkissed27f
01-16-2008, 11:26 PM
I am in the same boat with: didn't want kids...never thought I would have them...didn't like them all that much at first.

Now, 8 years later and I have 2 boys....ACK BOYS!

I think if I had it to do over again I wouldn't pick the option of not having them...it'd be having a different father for them.

zenwriter
01-16-2008, 11:32 PM
I don’t have kids and have never wanted ‘em. I look at people who have kids and think “that takes waaaaayyy more courage than I have.”

rhymegirl
01-16-2008, 11:36 PM
Being a mom is the best job I've ever had. Also the hardest job.

I don't regret it at all. If all I ever accomplish in life is raising good, happy, successful human beings, I'll consider myself successful.

If one of them should become a doctor, well...(that's just gravy)

heyjude
01-16-2008, 11:49 PM
Do I regret having kids? (I've got 2.) Depends on the day you ask, to be honest.

But, then again, who would I steal candy from?

reigningcatsndogs
01-17-2008, 12:06 AM
For me, being a parent is a rollercoaster ride that allows me to see my own childhood through different eyes, that gives me a new perspective on the future and on success, that scares the crap out of me at any given minute, that can hurt me so deeply my heart aches, that can make me sick with worry, that makes me more than willing to endure whatever pain is necessary to make my child's life better. I cry inside when they cry, I hurt when they hurt, I laugh and smile when they laugh and smile. I understood unconditional love the first time I held my first baby. There is no way to describe how my heart grew when I had my children.

That said, not everyone likes a rollercoaster, and there's not one thing wrong with that.

Do I regret it? No, but to be totally honest, sometimes I might be wistful about way it has consumed my life for so many years. Then again, that was my choice.
Would I do it again (and I have asked myself this many times)? Yes.

Death Wizard
01-17-2008, 12:10 AM
Most people who've had kids will tell you that they'd never have it any other way. But man, kids can wear you and your wallet out like nobody's business.

auntybug
01-17-2008, 12:16 AM
When my daughter was born - my son was 13. We stopped - toddler & teen - best of both worlds. I regret not having another. My daughter wants someone over 24/7 - she should have been a twin. I think about adopting everyday...

jessicaorr
01-17-2008, 12:36 AM
Absolutely*





*answer subject to tantrums, headaches, teething, lovies, first words, bedtime stories and good night kissies.

nerds
01-17-2008, 12:50 AM
within my body
life itself
took me outside myself
forever

the sweet smell of trust
soft baby's breath
vessel divine
minute fingers
entwined in mine

Gina M
01-17-2008, 12:51 AM
you had teenagers in your twenties?

man, you were an early bloomer.


You should see what other amazing feats of nature I am capable of!

Gina

hitchhiker
01-17-2008, 01:00 AM
Not even dating in my late twenties, I felt certain that I was destined to be a happy bachelor the rest of my life. Marriage wasn't on the horizon, but I honestly felt that I'd miss out on something without children. Now almost ten years later I have a son, a daughter, and another son on the way. I now can't imagine a life without children. It's not a hypothetical anymore since they're here and they're mine. I thought we'd stop at two, but I guess I was wrong. Could I have been happy without childen? Sure I could but I wouldn't want it any other way now. Do I worry about money? Absolutely I do.

My parents are great, though we were never a family that told one another how much we loved each other. After my son was born and we had gotten home from the hospital, I was expressing (or trying to) my feeling about this perfect - and perfectly helpless little baby to my mother and she said that's how your father and I feel about you and your sister. I nearly broke down. My mom's a great woman in all respects, but that was the sweetest thing that she ever said to me. I worried that I wouldn't have enough love when the second one came along, but I was certainly wrong there. Now I just worry about remaining healthy for another one, and of course the time and money constraints go without mentioning to those that know. Then my wise old grandmother added worries to me by saying that (as a parent) you'll only be as happy as your most unhappy child. Well thanks a lot grandmother!

Gravity
01-17-2008, 01:06 AM
Yeah, I wouldn't change a thing. My wife and I have two grown sons (our oldest one is married to a terrific gal). We also have daughter, Sarah, who died as an infant; we really look forward to seeing her again in heaven, finding out what kind of person she's become (cue the contemptuous sniggers).

And on a different tack, I'm absolutely loving being a grandpa (two grandsons, seven and five). Those little guys are amazing.

Storyteller5
01-17-2008, 01:36 AM
I've got two children: my son will be four in April and my daughter will be one in March. I have learned things about myself and about my husband I would've have known if we hadn't become parents. My relationship with my husband is deeper now somehow. To me, this is really what I was supposed to do. No regrets!

rhymegirl
01-17-2008, 02:02 AM
I haven't had children, don't plan on having children, and don't regret it.

Can't ya just picture a little Thunderboy running around? He'd be smoking a cigar and making fun of Haggis.

Ah....how cute.

Angelinity
01-17-2008, 02:23 AM
For those of you who have children...if you had it to do over, knowing what you know now, would you have chosen to become a parent? (I'm NOT asking if you love your children...just curious if you would have done things the same)

For those of you who have *chosen* not to have children...do you ever regret it?

no. all is as it should be.

JoNightshade
01-17-2008, 02:40 AM
This has been very interesting reading for me. I'm 26, married for 2 years, and still feeling like I'm not ready for kids. It scares me and I want to accomplish so much before my life gets eaten. Sometimes I wonder if I want them at all.

And yet what people are saying reminds me of how I felt when I first got married. It was like suddenly both of us grew so much, and started learning things about ourselves and each other that we never could have understood if we hadn't gotten married. I felt like I understood God's love for me more than I ever had.

Thinking that happens to an even greater degree with kids kinda makes me wanna do it. :)

thethinker42
01-17-2008, 02:47 AM
I just wanted to thank everyone for their answers...it's been an interesting and enlightening thread.

My husband and I have been TTC for over 4 years now. Somewhere along the line, I think my desire to have a baby has diminished, replaced by a desire that was nothing more than a longing to have this infertility struggle come to an end.

We've built a life together, and have a lifestyle we enjoy. I don't feel that there's anything "missing"...I don't feel any void that requires a baby to fill it.

Basically, I've realized that I like my life the way it is (minus my job - which will be changing in the near future). My husband is on the fence, but the more I think about it...I don't think I want kids.

Thanks again for your input.

SpookyWriter
01-17-2008, 02:49 AM
Well if you ever change your mind, you can have mine.

Perks
01-17-2008, 02:50 AM
It scares me and I want to accomplish so much before my life gets eaten. Sometimes I wonder if I want them at all.

This was a great part of my fear also, Jo. For some people, it changes them very fundamentally. But in my case, I was greatly relieved. I didn't disappear into a mom-vortex. I'm still me. I've changed almost nothing about me - I'm just me doing other things.

For instance, I often hear parents speak of unconditional love for their children. I believe them, but I, personally, never believed in unconditional love. I still don't. My children are people; people who, in theory, could alienate my respect and affections by their actions. But they are the people I would fight the hardest to keep from falling away from me.

If you need to wait, you still have time, but if you decide to, you'll still exist.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
01-17-2008, 02:57 AM
Unconditional love? My sister swore there was such a thing for her kids until I said, "Okay. You love your grand-daughter, right? Let's say her mother woke up one morning (after years and years and years and years of drug and alcohol abuse) and shot her in the head while she slept. How's that 'unconditional love' work for ya now?" She agreed there just might be a situation or two where 'unconditional love' might suddenly become 'conditional'.

JoNightshade
01-17-2008, 02:59 AM
My husband and I have been TTC for over 4 years now. Somewhere along the line, I think my desire to have a baby has diminished, replaced by a desire that was nothing more than a longing to have this infertility struggle come to an end.

I'm just curious, but did you ever look into adoption? Maybe it's because I don't have a desire for kids yet, but I never understood people going to extreme measures to conceive when they could just adopt. (I know it's not EASY to adopt, but after a long time trying to have your own kids, it could be faster.)


This was a great part of my fear also, Jo. For some people, it changes them very fundamentally. But in my case, I was greatly relieved. I didn't disappear into a mom-vortex. I'm still me. I've changed almost nothing about me - I'm just me doing other things.

This was what I was afraid of when I got married, and I discovered the same thing. :) I was scared I'd turn into one of those scary creatures who LOVE scrapbooking and organizing the house and picking out drapes and discussing hair and nails. The funny thing was that ultimately I ended up quitting my job, so I AM the "stay at home wife," but I'm still not like what I feared. I'm still me. :)

Perks
01-17-2008, 03:02 AM
Picking out drapes is awesome.

JoNightshade
01-17-2008, 03:05 AM
Picking out drapes is awesome.

Don't even go there. Haha.

I'm the wife who decorated the apartment with superhero posters, doesn't wear makeup, and never makes the bed. Hubby's right... it's just going to get messed up again! Our place looks like a stylish bachelor pad.

Oh, and you know what? All the OTHER guys are jealous of my husband for finding a "cool girl like me." Haha.

Angelinity
01-17-2008, 03:08 AM
every person needs to be challenged in particular ways in order to grow. parenting is one of those challenges and because it is 'the right thing to do' many of us will focus on it exclusively -- doesn't not make it THE pinnacle of challenges. also does not exclude it from the top ten -- it is one of the many ways we can be lead onto the path of learning and sharing ourselves.

if something you really want does not come to fruition it is time to ask the reasons why and what it really means to you, why is it important, what ultimate difference do you expect it to make within yourself?

seems that people who do not consciously pursue a thing, attract that thing -- while people who strongly desire a thing may chase it fruitlessly for years. what does it mean? only you can answer. things we want are personifications of .... what?

bitterness and dejection can lock us into a vicious cycle. acceptance (of ourselves and the things that be or not be) can free our spirit.

thethinker42
01-17-2008, 03:40 AM
I'm just curious, but did you ever look into adoption? Maybe it's because I don't have a desire for kids yet, but I never understood people going to extreme measures to conceive when they could just adopt. (I know it's not EASY to adopt, but after a long time trying to have your own kids, it could be faster.)

We thought about it, but the cost was obscene. Plus, it can take several years to accomplish. Neither of us felt we were cut out for adopting an older child or a child with special needs...of course we are taking our chances with a biological child, but we were just never comfortable with it. So we had looked into it, especially in the last year or two, but it wasn't a route we ever really pursued.

Now, though...I just feel less and less desire to be a parent. I really like my life...we've been married for five years, and have a life that we both really enjoy. You know what they say...if it ain't broke...

reigningcatsndogs
01-17-2008, 03:40 AM
:rant: Could I please change my answer?? Please! oh pretty please!!!

thethinker42
01-17-2008, 03:42 AM
Don't even go there. Haha.

I'm the wife who decorated the apartment with superhero posters, doesn't wear makeup, and never makes the bed. Hubby's right... it's just going to get messed up again! Our place looks like a stylish bachelor pad.

Oh, and you know what? All the OTHER guys are jealous of my husband for finding a "cool girl like me." Haha.

LOL Hahaha, you sound like me. I'm the one who suggested painting our bedroom black with red/yellow/blue splatters on the walls (and we LOVE it!!!), never ever wears makeup, prefers steel-toed boots over dress shoes, and would rather play paintball than go shopping. I like being the "cool" wife. LOL

Unique
01-17-2008, 07:06 AM
If I'm going by regrets, then the one thing I regret and would undo in my life is ever getting involved with my ex. No ex, no kids.

I never wanted kids. I hated the idea of being a mother. I tried to get my tubes tied as soon as I was 18, but the medical mindset of the time said "No" because of my age and the lack of children. (GRRRRRRR)

Except for your paragraph that I deleted - yep. Me, too.

Wish I had been bolder when I was younger - then I would have told those doctors, 'Well DUH. The lack of children is the reason why we want the procedure you idiot! If I changed my mind later I'd be SOL, wouldn't I?'

I seriously HATE people who think they know more about me and my mindset than I do. Triple GRRRR.

Magdalen
01-17-2008, 07:21 AM
When I thought about being an "adult, all grown up", well, I tried not to!! It sounded like a drag. Came the time, 'though, when I was quite certain (indubitably) that a baby was the right path for me. Even if that somehow meant the end of my extended childhood. That decision was one of the best "gifts" I ever gave myself. I wish I'd had more! And I definitely enjoyed my kids' childhood way better than I did my own. No regrets whatsoever! I highly recommend it!

brokenfingers
01-17-2008, 07:27 AM
If I could do it all again, I wouldn't have accepted that last shot of Jack Daniels.

BenPanced
01-17-2008, 09:36 AM
"Even as a child, I disliked children." - Earnest Granger, Are You Being Served?

Never really wanted children, even with all the "extra options" available to gay and lesbian people these days. I've never really been financially secure enough, having one too many financial disasters to barely take care of myself and my cat(s) adequately. I barely have the patience to deal with adults, much less children, then kew.

Yeah, having children has changed many people who've felt the same way, but I'm pretty firm in this conviction.

Cranky
01-17-2008, 10:54 AM
This is kind of a funny thing for me: I've always been a parent. I helped raise my younger brothers, and when I grew into an adult, I swore...NO KIDS, NO MARRIAGE. I got pregnant at nineteen, and I'm thirty-two now. I've had five kids, all boys, and two with special needs. I'm going to have a child at home until I die, more than likely.

That's pretty much what would have been my nightmare scenario at eighteen, and yet...

I love my boys, and I really would do it all over again. I've sometimes wondered what it would've been like if I'd never had the kids, or gotten married, and I decided that while I'd have lots more freedom and nice things (impossible with so many kids! LOL), I think I prefer this life anyway.

:D

Silver King
01-17-2008, 11:04 AM
I've been debating all day whether I should join in this discussion. I must've decided this was a good time. :)

I have four children. I'm estranged from my oldest boy. He hates me.

His sister, the next in line, recently gave birth to a beautiful girl. That makes me a grand old dad, and I love the designation, even though it makes me feel old.

The other two boys, well, they deserve a smack on the head because I love them so much.

Would I change anything? No. I'll take life as it comes, as I always have, and deal with it head on. To hell with everything else.

hermit authoress
01-17-2008, 01:37 PM
Regrets. Well, for myself, absotively not. For them, often.

I have four boys: 8, 11, and twins that are 17. When I had my twins, I was barely 20. I knew I was not good at being a mother but I had no choice. During my second (and current marriage), I had two more and everyone thought I had completely lost my mind. Maybe I had. I just wanted a new start.

Being a parent has been more than a normal challenge for me because of social anxiety and Asperger Syndrome. My lack of socializing is their lack of socializing. My tendency toward slow mental processing, misunderstanding meanings, "not getting" ideas and concepts has made the road very long and sometimes impossible. And if that's not enough, they all have similar challenges themselves with processing and emotional stability so... I mostly feel like they could have been better off with someone else as a mother.

For myself, they are the best gifts and they have taught me things nobody else ever could. They make me want to be better, work harder, and become someone they deserve.

I mostly got married and had kids because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. Nobody told me I could do otherwise. In essense, the kids got stuck with a kid as a mother growing up while she raised them. So yeah, most of my regret is for them, not for myself.

And just to make this post longer (grin), I don't think people who have no kids should be pressured or disrespected because of their decision not to have children. I've seen that and it just irks me.

Okay, I'm done. :D

Finni
01-17-2008, 01:42 PM
I've always wanted children. If someone had told me when I was 15 that I would be 31 and childless by choice I would have laughed at them. It was a given that I would have them.

Then I fell in love. I never bothered to ask her if she wanted kids when we first met. By the time I found out she absolutely positively did not want child it was too late. I was completely in love. I remember crying when she told me. My family was shocked when I told them I would never be a mom; they always just assumed I would be one eventually.

Over six years later and I am glad I met my girlfriend, we are completely in love. I still feel that tug, the desire to be a mother. Everytime one of our friends or family members has a child and we go over to see them I hear "Oh Tifaney, you're so good with children. You two should have one." "You are a natural mother." "You're so patient with them, are you going to have kids?" Or they start the "what would you name your child" game.

But I accepted it as not in the cards for me. I love my girlfriend and we have a wonderful life. Do I regret choosing love over kids? No.

Now the good news:

My friend recently had a baby. We went over to see her and I held her in my arms. She was the sweetest thing I ever saw! I don't know if it was the way my eyes softened, or if she saw me in a different way, but when my friend asked us when we are going to have our own child, instead of my girlfriend looking away while I whisper "I don't know" (trying not to cry), my girlfriend said, "I don't know, maybe in a few years." She looked at me and smiled. I saw something in her eyes I never saw before.


The other night we were watching some random show on tv and they were talking about the public school system. My girlfriend looked at me and said, "If they don't fix this by the time we have a kid he's going to private school or we're homeschooling him." I was so happy to hear those words that I actually cried.
However, if we do not end up having a baby I will love our life. I feel complete and I have a wonderful present and a future filled with promise.

Finni
01-17-2008, 01:49 PM
We thought about it, but the cost was obscene. Plus, it can take several years to accomplish. Neither of us felt we were cut out for adopting an older child or a child with special needs...of course we are taking our chances with a biological child, but we were just never comfortable with it. So we had looked into it, especially in the last year or two, but it wasn't a route we ever really pursued.

Now, though...I just feel less and less desire to be a parent. I really like my life...we've been married for five years, and have a life that we both really enjoy. You know what they say...if it ain't broke...


Have you ever thought about fostering?? There are thousands of kids (especially older one) who are in need of love and kindness.

If I have a child of my own or not I want to be a foster parent. I would want to foster a teenage mom still in HS, but I will take who ever they decide to put in my home.

robeiae
01-17-2008, 02:49 PM
I haven't had children, don't plan on having children, and don't regret it.

Of course, you'd actually need another willing participant, so it's probably all for the best that you feel this way. :tongue

I don't regret having children at all. They've been a blast. I can't possibly imagine what (http://img347.imageshack.us/img347/483/0004412cq.jpg) I could have done with the all the money and time I have spent on them...

Mr Flibble
01-17-2008, 03:01 PM
Don't even go there. Haha.

I'm the wife who decorated the apartment with superhero posters, doesn't wear makeup, and never makes the bed. Hubby's right... it's just going to get messed up again! Our place looks like a stylish bachelor pad.

Oh, and you know what? All the OTHER guys are jealous of my husband for finding a "cool girl like me." Haha.


Hmm sounds like me - except it's wrestling posters. The OTHER guys aren't jeaslous as such - but their girlfiends are when I get invited out on 'boys only night' because we all like the same things. Beer mainly.

And no I don't regret having kids - my two are awesome little loonies, just like me and the hubby. Have I changed? I have less time, so I stopped doing the unimportant stuff. I'm just a touch more responsible( only a little bit!). That's about it. I still hate shopping, make up, and I'm the only mummy in the playground who turns up in leathers.

HeronW
01-17-2008, 03:16 PM
In 3rd or 4th grade the teacher asked each child how many children they wanted when they grew up. The boys always had higher numbers, (like their work would be over in 45 seconds or less). I was the only one who said none--drawing a few looks.

I knew early on that I do not have the patience for raising children. I've seen too many ill-behaved ones and am disgusted at the parents' lack of boundaries and not instilling respect into their progeny's heads.

I would have carried a child for my sister who was a brittle (Type 1) diabetic--since something like that could have caused even greater health issues--because she loved children. She declined, knowing her health issues were exacerbating and she wouldn't be around long enough to be the great mom she wanted to be.

cray
01-17-2008, 06:21 PM
Of course, you'd actually need another willing participant, so it's probably all for the best that you feel this way. :tongue

I don't regret having children at all. They've been a blast. I can't possibly imagine what (http://img347.imageshack.us/img347/483/0004412cq.jpg) I could have done with the all the money and time I have spent on them...

you'd get a car wash?

totally. me too.

Shadow_Ferret
01-17-2008, 06:26 PM
After spending over an hour with my son last night getting him to read a book, which is like pulling teeth, can I change my vote to I don't want to be a parent NOW?

johnnysannie
01-17-2008, 07:28 PM
I always wanted kids; I'm glad I have kids; I wish - sometimes - that I was young enough and could have more kids. No regrets, ever, my children are the true love of my life. That is not to say that there have not been difficult moments and times but I am glad I have my kids.

Maryn
01-17-2008, 07:29 PM
Mr. Maryn and I were adamant about not having kids. We had switched to "Maybe--just maybe, no more than that--some day" when the two methods of birth control used each and every time failed simultaneously. Just to make it more fun, I had false-negative pregnancy tests until I was in my second trimester, which is too late to change one's mind without it being quite the ordeal.

It turns out we were wrong to think we were good with being childless. It's a decision we continue to respect for others, but we always swap knowing looks, remembering how strongly we felt, and how different was the reality of a human being made from nothing but our love.

It didn't matter than the timing could not possibly have been worse, or that we had no money, or that our future income and location were uncertain. It didn't matter that it's locked Mr. Maryn into a career that may not have been his first choice but was stable. It didn't matter than my own job skills became so outmoded while I was a stay-home that they're quaint and I'm unemployable, or under-employable.

It's hard, and exhausting, and incredibly frustrating, to be the best parents you can be, but for us, it's been astonishingly rewarding, in ways we did not anticipate. Yes, we love each other fully and completely, but not with the ferocity we do our kids. Either of us would die for them, or kill for them, no questions asked, if such a choice had to be made.

Yeah, there's heartache and financial stress and bad decisions they make that affect the whole family, but still...

Maryn, perfect parent (hah!)

brittanimae
01-17-2008, 08:50 PM
Wow, I just read this entire thread. I admit I'm a little surprised that so many responses are so much different than mine!

I have four children between the ages of 1 and 6. Sometimes they drive me nuts. Pregnancy and infancy are not my favorite states.

BUT. WOW!!! I get so much joy from family life. I can not CANNOT express how amazing it feels to have my three year old throw himself into my arms, giggling and asking for snuggles. Or to watch my four-year-old cheer the three-year old up with pretend band-aids covered with dinosaurs or trains or whatever he asks for after he bumps his head. When I see my husband come home from work and make a beeline straight for the baby so he can snuggle her and give her raspberries and make her giggle--how can I describe that? And what about when my six-year-old comes home from school each day and plops himself down at the piano and practices without being reminded because he knows he can't watch his 30 min. of TV until he does. And he's good too! (his dad's a conductor, so that must contribute something)

So it's not easy all the time. In fact, it's not actually EASY any of the time. I'm pretty sure I left out the ear piercing shrieks that the 6-year-old STILL let's out any time he is crossed. And the sassy 4-year-old opening of her bedroom door 14 times to ask for a drink of water after she's been sent to bed. And the 8 MONTHS it took to get the 3-year-old fully potty trained. And the nasty look someone at the rec center gave me a few weeks ago when she said "Ma'am, you really need to keep better track of your children."

But I gotta tell you--There is nothing in the universe I would trade for this experience. I am such a different person for having the chance to live with and learn from these little people. I don't do a perfect job, but I DO A DAMN GOOD JOB. And I'm getting better every day. I have grown in ways that would not be possible without these kids. My writing is even better for having them.

So this is not to say everyone needs kids. They don't, and it takes hard work to raise them. But don't underestimate the payoff either. It goes on forever.

RLB
01-17-2008, 09:08 PM
This has been very interesting reading for me. I'm 26, married for 2 years, and still feeling like I'm not ready for kids. It scares me and I want to accomplish so much before my life gets eaten. Sometimes I wonder if I want them at all.

I'm enjoying all this reading as well, and I know how you feel. We've always wanted children... just eventually. Now we've been married over four years, we're on our sixth addresss in our fourth state, we've backpacked through Europe together, spent great times with friends and family, and have been up for a party at the drop of a hat. We are so grateful for this time we've had to enjoy one another, and I don't think it ever hurts a marriage!

But I said goodbye to my twenties a couple of days ago, and we're starting to think more seriously in the direction of family, looking more closely at our medical insurance and whatnot, but I don't think we will have any regrets. I'm a little scared how different it will be and how much of our freedom will be gone, but I'm also excited to get to be a mom (they tell me it's even better than traveling, but we'll see).

Soccer Mom
01-17-2008, 10:18 PM
Of course I'm a mommy. Yes, I really am a Soccer Mom and I love it. But I've always wanted to be a mom. I love kids. I teach Sunday School and run Cub Scout and Webelos Dens and drive soccer teams around and volunteer at the schools and write for children too. I love hanging out with kids. I find them honest and funny.

But I do have childless friends and respect their decisions. Never let anyone guilt you into thinking your life will be incomplete without children. Your personal happiness is up to you. No one else can make you happy if you are not happy within yourself. Husband and kids enhance my life, but they aren't the source of my happiness. It comes from within and not from without.

robeiae
01-17-2008, 10:22 PM
Is RT your child?

Soccer Mom
01-17-2008, 10:26 PM
Is RT your child?

No, I have minimum standards for hygiene in my house.

robeiae
01-17-2008, 10:28 PM
'Cause, ya know, it would explain an awful lot...

Mr Flibble
01-17-2008, 10:29 PM
I'm a little scared how different it will be and how much of our freedom will be gone,

Hehe, although I wanted kids, I was petrified of the prospect of having to be a grown up and be responsible! When I was pregnant with my first, I used to have dreams that I gave birth and said 'I'm sorry, I've changed my mind, can I have a refund?'. My midwife gave me such a strange look when I told her that.

Glad to say, that although you do have to be more responsible in some ways, having kids is the perfect excuse to unleash your inner kiddie, be silly and not have people think you're a complete nutcase.

And now I have to go mop the blood up - I must have the world's clumisest kids.

thethinker42
01-18-2008, 03:54 AM
I'd also like to add that if I should become pregant now, I am holding brokenfingers personally responsible because of the "Ha! You just jinxed yourself! Now you're going to get pregnant!" rep point.

Unique
01-18-2008, 04:08 AM
After spending over an hour with my son last night getting him to read a book, which is like pulling teeth, can I change my vote to I don't want to be a parent NOW?

YES


I'd also like to add that if I should become pregant now, I am holding brokenfingers personally responsible because of the "Ha! You just jinxed yourself! Now you're going to get pregnant!" rep point.

sc! carole! sara! clean up on aisle 5!

nasty bill - you meany. warn. never jinx. didn't you see any Harry Potter? ;)

giving up "freedom" had absolutely nothing to do with my feelings. My sense of responsibility did.

I'm doing my best to be the best that I can be at something I had no desire to do - - especially never, ever wanted to do alone - - had no idea how to do well - but got suckered into and ended up doing it alone ANYWAY.

just saying that people have reasons for feeling the way they do - even if you don't understand them.

empathy - big bird's word of the day.

That is the last I have to say on this subject.
and no - i'm not taking anything personally - i just know people sometimes can't understand something 180 from the way they feel BUT they come to understand with an application of WHY.
YMMV

The_Grand_Duchess
01-18-2008, 04:17 AM
I thought about this. After he left. When I was sitting there by myself with a baby who would not stop crying and a toddler who was just so busy. Pulling on me, needing me every second of every day when all I wanted was to just crawl under the covers and sleep for however long it took to stop hurting.

And instead I rocked the baby and untangled her sister's fingers from my shirt. I fed her and dressed her and got on with the business of living.

I don't regret having my kids even though my life would have been very different without them. Things are very hard at times. I'm by myself and I don't get any late days. I don't get a break. I'm always on. But it's ok. I love them. Without them I'd still be lying under my covers waiting for things to stop hurting.

JennaGlatzer
01-18-2008, 04:48 AM
I decided my response would be best done pictorally, so I snapped this five minutes ago...

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e382/unbreakmychart/WebToothySmile.jpg

How could you ever regret that?

Unique
01-18-2008, 04:54 AM
I envy you. Others who feel like I do - envy you. Believe it.

Red-Green
01-18-2008, 05:15 AM
I don't ever regret not having babies. I've never liked babies, even when I was a small child I was scared of them. I was even scared of baby dolls.

Now, kids on the other hand. Hubby and I plan to adopt a couple of non-baby kids.

Cranky
01-18-2008, 05:21 AM
If you want to be a "good mom" - what ever that means for you personally -

and you CANNOT - for whatever reason - personally

how can you NOT have regret?

when your brain says 'I love you'. and your mouth says, 'I love you' but you don't feel it -

c'mon - tell me. how can you not regret? Esp. when you have felt love for others? Too deep for me. I just try. And be responsible. Cuz that's all I've got.

Because I know - he deserves better than he's getting - and I can't change any of it. No matter how many people tell me, 'You're a good mom' - they know more about me than I do ? hmmm... i'll ponder it. give me 5 or 10 years maybe i'll feel differently - but all i can live with is the now. This moment.

I envy you. Others who feel like I do - envy you. Believe it.

That's an interesting take on it. I can understand, actually. There are plenty of times that I have regrets about the parenting decisions I've made, and in the case of my two with special needs...I'm constantly worried that if I screw up, the ramifications will be huge and life long. Then, I worry about what the worry will do to my other two darlings (and they are, too!).

Parenting can be one giant guilt trap, I think. A thousand ways to screw it up and make your kids hate you.

And sometimes, I think we do things right in a thousand and one ways that we never even realize. :)

JennaGlatzer
01-18-2008, 05:24 AM
Unique, I'm not sure if you were addressing me personally, but if so, trust me: there's almost nothing to envy about me. What I have in this world is summed up in that picture, and that picture alone. I have a million regrets in life; the reason I get out of bed each day is that that little girl throws her arms around my neck and smooshes her face into mine and giggles. And if I don't get up, eventually she'll smell bad.

But-- and I have only 10 1/2 months of experience on this, but-- I don't believe anyone can be a great mom all the time. And if you know you're in a rough spot, I don't think there's any shame in asking for help so you can have time to build yourself back up.

JoNightshade
01-18-2008, 05:35 AM
I don't ever regret not having babies. I've never liked babies, even when I was a small child I was scared of them. I was even scared of baby dolls.

Now, kids on the other hand. Hubby and I plan to adopt a couple of non-baby kids.

This is me, too. I'm planning on having one, just for the sake of experience, and then any future go-rounds will be adoptions at age 2 or older. In my experience/opinion, they're not interesting until they start to talk. (Well, maybe for about five minutes, but then it's like YAWN.)

Susan Breen
01-18-2008, 05:53 AM
When I was young I couldn't visualize myself as a mother because I never particularly enjoyed being around little kids. So I suspect that a big part of the reason why I became a parent was because it seemed like something you were supposed to do after you'd been married a certain length of time. But once I had my children, I was absolutely amazed by how much fun I had with them, and now I think that having children was the best thing I've done. And not just because I love them, but also because they've pushed me to such extremes of emotion--joy and anger--that I think they've made me more alive. But, that's just one opinion.

Unique
01-18-2008, 06:20 AM
nah, Jenna. Not just you. Not even you specifically.

I've just run into many, many people who do not understand where I'm coming from (and others who feel like I do)

They just don't.

There are always reasons for what people do. 99 times out of a 100. But most people never ask, 'Why?'

'Why?' has always been my question. Always.

I don't think people have something odd about them for just loving the living mess out of kids. It's kind of cool. (Especially if our species is to survive) But having been treated and looked at as the 'odd man out' more times than I care to count -

Well - I'm old enough and ornery enough to keep on keeping on til at least a glimmer comes on in some houses. Light. It's good.

(((HUGS))) PS : see the Tiger attacks thread - there's a cool one in there for you toward the end. :)

Cranky
01-18-2008, 06:56 AM
nah, Jenna. Not just you. Not even you specifically.

I've just run into many, many people who do not understand where I'm coming from (and others who feel like I do)

They just don't.

There are always reasons for what people do. 99 times out of a 100. But most people never ask, 'Why?'

'Why?' has always been my question. Always.

I don't think people have something odd about them for just loving the living mess out of kids. It's kind of cool. (Especially if our species is to survive) But having been treated and looked at as the 'odd man out' more times than I care to count -

Well - I'm old enough and ornery enough to keep on keeping on til at least a glimmer comes on in some houses. Light. It's good.

(((HUGS))) PS : see the Tiger attacks thread - there's a cool one in there for you toward the end. :)

*facepalm*

Unique, I'm sorry. The light just came on in my house! I'm sorry I misunderstood what you said earlier.

Wow, that is embarassing. :o

Cassiopeia
01-18-2008, 08:55 AM
For those of you who have children...if you had it to do over, knowing what you know now, would you have chosen to become a parent? (I'm NOT asking if you love your children...just curious if you would have done things the same)

For those of you who have *chosen* not to have children...do you ever regret it?

Such a difficult subject to approach. I will attempt to convey my experience as best I can yet knowing I might fail.

I never wanted children. I grew up in a very difficult situation and some of you know that for me to say I have a venomous mother is just my attempt at being polite. I barely knew my father, they were divorced.

Sometime during my early 20's I heard a lecture on how children that were abused became the abusers in turn. I decided then and there I would never have children because I felt there was this monster hidden inside me.
I didn't want anyone to suffer at my hands the way I did at my mother's (literally physically and emotionally)

Nonetheless, I married at 25 and some ten months later I felt this urge to have children. I'm not sure why but I had hope that maybe if my husband could love me than maybe I wasn't all that bad of a person.

My daughter was born 11 months after that decision. And I fell completely and utterly in love for the first time in my life. I often have felt in the years since then that I have failed to measure up to the beautiful little child that came into my life the day she was born. I have had the honour and blessing to have two boys as well. Each equally beautiful and amazing.

Some of you also know that my daughter fell into meth addiction back in 2004 and has been in recovery since October that year and hasn't relapsed. A year and three months after she had been clean, I grew angry and bitter and I wasn't being the loving mother I felt I should be. I don't know what came over me. I just didn't want to be a Mom anymore. I was so upset that after all I worked for and sacrificed, she threw it away.

She was so sorry, so contrite, so humble and beaten down by drugs that the last thing she needed was me in her life making her even more remorseful. So I took a three month vacation. Left the kids with my ex husband and went away to South Africa. In those three months I grieved over the loss of my naivety that I could keep my children safe from the world and recognized my anger was towards myself for not keeping them safe. I wasn't angry with her and I did want to be a Mom.

I just had to realize I wanted to be a PERFECT mom. Something none of us can ever be. Oh my ex used to hound me saying I was too strict or not strict enough but that was never my worry. My worry was always and still can be, if I am there for them enough. Have I been enough? Did I teach them well enough? Do they know I love them and that when they need me do they know they are safe to tell me anything? Was I good enough and did I make up for them what my mother never gave me?

The other day I was that the hairdresser and she stopped to say to me, (she's been my friend for 8 years now and knows all my kids and my life as a single mom, something I also never wanted) she said, "Kim, I just have to tell you what a wonderful job you've done with your daughter. I did her hair and what a lovely woman she's become all because of you."

I probably don't have to tell you I sat there in the salon embarrassed by the flow of tears I couldn't stop. But as I said to her, I don't know if it was because of me or if they have just all come this way. I like to think I've made a difference. I live and breathe to be a different mother and to let them know that they can do anything, accomplish anything and love and live a full and happy life because they ARE that wonderful and deserve it.

So in answer to your question, would I do things differently? Yes, if I could, I'd be a PERFECT mom. I just don't think that's possible. Trust me, I've broken myself trying. I've never known that I could be that broken and rise from the pyre of ashes of hurt and disillusionments at my own inadequacy to try once again.

I keep telling my youngest boy over and over lately how much I love him. To his dismay I have taken up calling him Mojo (think transformers and you will know why he's upset) and he asked me why I keep saying it. (why I keep saying I love him not why I keep calling him Mojo) I told him, I just worry he doesn't know how much I love him and believe in him. He's going through so much at 16 in a different way than the other two and I just don't want him to feel abandoned.

Can I do any better? Yeah, I'm sure I can. :( I don't know how though. Would I not have them? Well I had that choice to make long ago and I chose to have them and I am sticking by that decision. I am a stronger, wiser, more patient person and my life is so full of love and laughter that I can not for one moment imagine who I'd be without the experiences and growth they have brought me. They saved my life. Literally.

nerds
01-18-2008, 06:54 PM
That's a beautiful post.

:Hug2:

Gina M
01-18-2008, 10:23 PM
Here's a twist on this post - although I have kids and no regrets, I'm not particularily concerned about whether I have grandchildren. I know I'm a little young to worry about this, although all of my kids are of the age where it could happen, but I wouldn't be bothered if they all decided they didn't want kids.

Storm Dream
01-18-2008, 11:08 PM
I've never wanted them. I'm still pretty young, so I guess there's time to change my mind, but I just don't see it happening. Didn't want them when I was wee, didn't want them in high school, still don't. When I was in middle school I said I didn't want them, and was told by one of the girls that I was "selfish." I always kind of assumed that the world did not need another of me, and so I was really doing everyone a favor. ;)

Most of my friends have said they feel the clock "ticking." I haven't.

I do kind of want a pet, though.

quickWit
01-18-2008, 11:10 PM
I do kind of want a pet, though.

I think Haggis is available.

III
01-18-2008, 11:32 PM
4 kids within 5 years of each other. No regrets, but those early years were brutal. Life is SOOOO much easier now that they're in Elementary/Middle School. And they all think they're comedians. Dinner is always a comedy festival where they try to outdo each other. Don't know where they get it from. It's a rich life packed to the gills.

Sarita
01-19-2008, 12:52 AM
Cassi made me cry. And said it better than I ever could... Especially while I'm all choked up with tears.

Not one single regret. Finn is magic.

KTC
01-19-2008, 01:12 AM
I love having kids. My son is absolutely crazy and makes me laugh every day. My youngest daughter is like me...moody and hit/miss. We make each other laugh by pointing out how ridiculous it is to pout when the world beyond the pout is beautiful - both the ugly and the gorgeous parts of it. I love living. I love living in a world where I get to share the experience with my children. I couldn't imagine not having them in my life? J., who was this wild crazy boy from day one. The boy who wanted to walk before he crawled and now plays hockey like some crazy houdini wonder boy. The boy who walks around the house in his underwear...pulled up to his chest...saying, "I'm lactose intolerant! Where do you keep the cigarettes?" The boy who comes home from school and spends 10 minutes locked in an embrace with his dog. I just have to have him in my life. And A....Yikes! A. Stubborn. Loud. Opininated. Beautiful. She understands me when others don't. I think we share the same sense of humour. I loved that she was laughing her ass off at Sweeney Todd...made me feel a bit less ridiculous. She's a poet with beauty in her words. Just don't get her on a bad day. Meowl! I couldn't imagine life without that joke she told when she could barely walk. "Two carpets and one each!" I couldn't imagine not having the memory of her dancing to Creeque Alley by the Mammas and the Pappas in that big pinafore dress of hers. I close my eyes and I see her spinning and spinning. I bet she could fly if she put her mind to it. And, K. Man...she's so beautiful it hurts. With her perfect life and her perfect husband. I don't know how she came from this idiot. Her sister adores her so much...A. who is so brash and in your face...she gets so much out of being around K. Opposites attract...even with sisters. K. with her mini dog who tries to eat her couch...and her incredible patience. What a softy! Do I have any regrets? No.

Cassiopeia
01-19-2008, 01:25 AM
KTC, would that my children's Dad had your vision. Bless you for being such a wonderful Dad and seeing what's so good and wonderful about your children.

You made me smile on a very dreary day. Thanks :)

KTC
01-19-2008, 01:27 AM
Thank you. And you made me all weepy!


I find it incredible that you can actually MAKE people!!!!! Doesn't it just blow you away!?

III
01-19-2008, 01:31 AM
Thank you. And you made me all weepy!


I find it incredible that you can actually MAKE people!!!!! Doesn't it just blow you away!?

It's more amazing that you can MAKE people, but you can't MAKE those same people listen.

Jaycinth
01-19-2008, 02:02 AM
It's more amazing that you can MAKE people, but you can't MAKE those same people listen.

And then just when you think they aren't listening, or you think you are a failure....they do something totally fantastic and you're sitting on cloud nine for days.

Or..someone comes up to you and tells you waht a great parent you are because your kids are so wonderful/well behaved/socially conscious.

One day I came home from work totally grumpped out and my daughter had scrubbed the inside of the oven sparking clean. She did that after she totally scrubbed the bathroom.

What was in her mind????

Quote:
"I dunno. Can I make a pie?"

Yeah...it's like that. I'd like another, please.

KTC
01-19-2008, 02:09 AM
Exactly, Jay. Just when you're ready to throw in the towel, somebody always tells you something nice...or they do something special. I love hearing how they act in the outside world. My son's teacher simply adores him. She is constantly telling us how special he is. It makes you die inside.

CaroGirl
01-19-2008, 02:52 AM
I love having kids. My son is absolutely crazy and makes me laugh every day. My youngest daughter is like me...moody and hit/miss. We make each other laugh by pointing out how ridiculous it is to pout when the world beyond the pout is beautiful - both the ugly and the gorgeous parts of it. I love living. I love living in a world where I get to share the experience with my children. I couldn't imagine not having them in my life? J., who was this wild crazy boy from day one. The boy who wanted to walk before he crawled and now plays hockey like some crazy houdini wonder boy. The boy who walks around the house in his underwear...pulled up to his chest...saying, "I'm lactose intolerant! Where do you keep the cigarettes?" The boy who comes home from school and spends 10 minutes locked in an embrace with his dog. I just have to have him in my life. And A....Yikes! A. Stubborn. Loud. Opininated. Beautiful. She understands me when others don't. I think we share the same sense of humour. I loved that she was laughing her ass off at Sweeney Todd...made me feel a bit less ridiculous. She's a poet with beauty in her words. Just don't get her on a bad day. Meowl! I couldn't imagine life without that joke she told when she could barely walk. "Two carpets and one each!" I couldn't imagine not having the memory of her dancing to Creeque Alley by the Mammas and the Pappas in that big pinafore dress of hers. I close my eyes and I see her spinning and spinning. I bet she could fly if she put her mind to it. And, K. Man...she's so beautiful it hurts. With her perfect life and her perfect husband. I don't know how she came from this idiot. Her sister adores her so much...A. who is so brash and in your face...she gets so much out of being around K. Opposites attract...even with sisters. K. with her mini dog who tries to eat her couch...and her incredible patience. What a softy! Do I have any regrets? No.
KTC, your kids sound like wonderful people.

I'd like to get in on this. These are mine. C, my special son, struggles with life's challenges almost every day. Yet he's full of smiles, hugs and laughter. He's read every Harry Potter book, twice, and can tell you every spell and any other trivia you might (or might not) want to know. He downhill skis like a bat out of hell. Younger children at school flock to him and he loves when they look up to him and ask for his help. He does up their zippers and opens their Thermoses. He's an example of strength and perseverance and one day he will be a great teacher.

J, my daughter, at only eight has a sense of humour that could set the world on fire. She makes me laugh every day. Her tenderness with animals and other people moves me. Her beauty, inside and out, leaves me breathless. Her curiosity about the world and its secrets will help make her dream of being a scientist come true some day.

I can't believe I made these wondrous human beings. I'm in awe of them.

nerds
01-19-2008, 04:59 AM
One of the things I like(d) best about it is the circle that it does take you in. One certainly can follow the bad circle, if there's been one set before you. But one can step out of the circle, too.

I had a wonderful father who died early in my life, a demented mother beset by mental illness, a pile of siblings, and a ton of nieces and nephews at an early age. I loved babies, I loved children, but I was sure that being a mother was Not For Me.

I could have gone down my mother's road, and the fear of that led to my decision to not have children. Then despite every intention and careful thought and contraceptive my son was on the way, and there I was.

And each day that person grew within me, I grew. I saw that I could anticipate this person in a way that my mother had never anticipated me - that I was not in fact her, but someone in my own right.

My son was as real as it gets right from the start, and then the moment he cried, the moment he was breathing the world and in my arms, I understood that I could be something else. That I was something else. My few days in the hospital afterward, I cried and cried, because I thought about how my mother hadn't been able to feel this toward her children - I felt loss for my own sake, for the baby and child I had been, and I felt exhilaration that I wouldn't be so bankrupt ever.

Being a mom myself allowed me to understand my own parents so much better than I ever would have otherwise, and to know that there can be worlds beyond what is set for us.

brittanimae
01-19-2008, 08:13 AM
Wow. My life is fuller for reading these posts. What an amazing privilege to give life.

joyce
01-19-2008, 08:35 AM
When I was 18 I was told I was sterile and would never have children. Of course at 18 having babies was the last thing on my mind, but the thought of not having a choice bothered me even then. Then at 26 my life entered the gates of hell. My ex-husband decided to turn into a crack addict and lose everthing thing I'd worked so hard for. I'm sicker than Haggis' wife (other thread) and I learn I'm pregnant. Needless to say I was paralized with fear. My life was falling apart and now I was pregnant!

From the moment I felt my daughter alive inside of me, I fell madly in love. She was the blessing I needed in this very rough time in my life. I knew if I had to dig ditches, we were going to be ok. Today she is 23 yrs. old and is my hero! I wish I could be just half the woman that she is. I am her mother but we are also best friends. She is me but so much better that I ever could be. I would fight the devil himself over her and come out winning!

I've always said that Joyce will never be remembered for anything famous or great. Heck I'll probably never even be published. If I'm remembered for anything just knowing my daughter loves me and thinks I'm the greatest mom on earth, is enough reward for me. I will be able journey to the other side knowing being a parent was the toughest, easiest and most rewarding job I ever took on.....and I know I gave it everything I had and loved every second of it.:)

Silver King
01-19-2008, 09:23 AM
Here's a hypothetical that happened to a friend.

"What do you think of the house, Dad?"

"It's great. I like it."

"Would you sign on the note?"

"Um, no. I won't."

"Why not?"

You look at your boy. You remember him when he sported gums before his first teeth cut through. And you think of all that has happened in his life until that point.

"Come on, Dad. I love this place. Sign for it!"

And you know you are a prick, and you understand you may not see him for a while. And still you say, "No."

And your boy leaves you then, and he hasn't called since.

Cassiopeia
01-19-2008, 09:29 AM
Here's a hypothetical that happened to a friend.

"What do you think of the house, Dad?"

"It's great. I like it."

"Would you sign on the note?"

"Um, no. I won't."

"Why not?"

You look at your boy. You remember him when he sported gums before his first teeth cut through. And you think of all that has happened in his life until that point.

"Come on, Dad. I love this place. Sign for it!"

And you know you are a prick, and you understand you may not see him for a while. And still you say, "No."

And your boy leaves you then, and he hasn't called since.

But, he'll come back. Maybe not real soon. But one day, when he's learned the very lesson he was taught.

I have a boy, my middle child, who left home at fifteen to go live with his Dad. He had to make a big scene so that it was my fault. We didn't speak much in a two year period. Time passes quickly. Little by little he'd come every Sunday. He's on a mission for the LDS church now. He's been humbled quite a bit. Writes to me every week without fail telling me how grateful he is for me and how much he loves me. Nags me to go back to church which I won't do but I don't mention that to him.

One day, he'll know why I keep being there even when he leaves for a time and he has over the last four years off and on. All I can do is send him all the love I have even if he never notices it and cherish the love I do have. It's the only comfort I get when he thinks he needs to punish me for not doing what he wants.

Till he learns, I just remember all the good times and cry a bit now and again. That and I look at his pictures growing up.

Like I said, he'll come around. Just maybe not soon.

Unique
01-19-2008, 09:29 AM
I don't ever regret not having babies. I've never liked babies, even when I was a small child I was scared of them. I was even scared of baby dolls.

Now, kids on the other hand. Hubby and I plan to adopt a couple of non-baby kids.

That's funny. I used to feel that way but my son was the sweetest, cutest baby on the planet - bar none. People wouldn't leave him alone in the grocery store.

I used to walk around with my lips on his head 'cuz he was so sweet and then people wouldn't want to touch him and PICK HIM UP. Ew! That's my baby you complete stranger.

"get away, get away"



I do kind of want a pet, though.

oh, heck. as a life long 'cat person' people don't like to hear me say my cats mind better than he does but facts iz facts, jack.

they mind. he doesn't. we have a conversation. he has 'demands' and 'statements' and no, son, you are NOT my equal. count on it. fssszz


It's more amazing that you can MAKE people, but you can't MAKE those same people listen.


Here's a hypothetical that happened to a friend.

"What do you think of the house, Dad?"

"It's great. I like it."

"Would you sign on the note?"

"Um, no. I won't."

"Why not?"

You look at your boy. You remember him when he sported gums before his first teeth cut through. And you think of all that has happened in his life until that point.

"Come on, Dad. I love this place. Sign for it!"

And you know you are a prick, and you understand you may not see him for a while. And still you say, "No."

And your boy leaves you then, and he hasn't called since.

That Sux. Big rocks. sense of entitlement in this generation, mumble, grumble... back in our day, both ways up hill in the snow... SIGN? we had to build the damn thing ourselves, rotten, spoiled little ****s. i hope he reads this, the jizzbag....

sorry, SK. that must hurt like ... well, a guy thing. :(

Cassiopeia
01-19-2008, 09:36 AM
That's funny. I used to feel that way but my son was the sweetest, cutest baby on the planet - bar none. People wouldn't leave him alone in the grocery store.

I used to walk around with my lips on his head 'cuz he was so sweet and then people wouldn't want to touch him and PICK HIM UP. Ew! That's my baby you complete stranger.

"get away, get away"

I am always astounded at the nutters who try to touch other people's babies. I might say "oh what a cute baby" but I keep my distance. I mean ...we HAVE GERMS! We could make that baby sick.



oh, heck. as a life long 'cat person' people don't like to hear me say my cats mind better than he does but facts iz facts, jack.

they mind. he doesn't. we have a conversation. he has 'demands' and 'statements' and no, son, you are NOT my equal. count on it. fssszz

Oh yeah...that's my boy Danny. He thinks to tell both my ex (his dad) and me what to do. It must be the personality. He didn't start out that way...but it definitely happened in the divorce. He tends to switch sides though. When he lived with me, he told his Dad what to do...never me. Then he moved out and it was the reverse. Now through his being "smarter than everyone else" phase he tried to tell his older sister what to do and she blasted him for it. *snicker* His younger brother is laying in wait for his return because he's taller now and planning to wipe the ground with him.

Oh you gotta love it!

Unique
01-19-2008, 09:39 AM
mine's an only and I AM DETERMINED TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

(i'll give myself a tubal, thanx)

ahem. he was thinking he was grown as a toddler. he just always has been wired like that. i said only child of older parents. as in waay older.

i don't know. maybe it's just all those synthetic endocrine disruptors in the environment. :Shrug:

Cassiopeia
01-19-2008, 09:43 AM
mine's an only and I AM DETERMINED TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

(i'll give myself a tubal, thanx)

ahem. he was thinking he was grown as a toddler. he just always has been wired like that. i said only child of older parents. as in waay older.

i don't know. maybe it's just all those synthetic endocrine disruptors in the environment. :Shrug:yeah...my son had the ear markings at a young age...he just obeyed me when he was little. Very articulate little person. My sister has an only child as well. She told me she'd rather slash her wrists then have another and if she could do it over she wouldn't have him. Knowing my nephew...I get why she feels that way. I know that's unkind of me but my gosh, I don't know why he is the way he is.

Unique
01-19-2008, 09:49 AM
if i had been his primary caregiver during the toddler years ...
and his dad the primary ... now ... or at least later...

i think he'd be way different. he's always been a daddy's boy and his dad's an ass. what can i say?

even the guys here would say his dad's an ass. factz. don't let emotion cloud the facts.

Cassiopeia
01-19-2008, 09:52 AM
if i had been his primary caregiver during the toddler years ...
and his dad the primary ... now ... or at least later...

i think he'd be way different. he's always been a daddy's boy and his dad's an ass. what can i say?

even the guys here would say his dad's an ass. factz. don't let emotion cloud the facts.

:Hug2: But what can ya do?

StoryG27
01-19-2008, 09:58 AM
I have two kiddos. Do I regret having them, nope. I will admit there were some days I thought there must have been some kind of mistake for these kids to belong to me. Especially in the early years. They were so small, so precious, and I felt like they deserved a better mom than me and I just didn't know how it came to be that I had them. I was so young when I became a parent, just barely eighteen, and I thought good moms could magically soothe a crying baby no matter what. I thought good moms never ever raised their voices. I thought good moms kept an immaculate home and only served their children made-from-scratch meals.

I felt like I constantly failed my little ones, yet they still smiled, still made me laugh, and they seemed to flourish in this imperfect parenting environment, so I wondered how amazing they'd be with a "good" mom. Then they got a little older, I talked to a few other moms, and I learned no one quite measures up to the all the standards I had set for myself. My kids taught me to relax and have fun. Roll with the punches. They taught me unconditional love. They showed me how to laugh, how to cry, and sometimes, how to do both at the same time. The lesson I fear the most now, is how to let go. I have a feeling I'm not going to be great at that. They are 9 and 11 now and I'm already flipping out over their independence, already dreading sharing these amazing little people with the rest of the world.

Unique
01-19-2008, 10:02 AM
:Hug2: But what can ya do?

ENDURE



..
I was so young when I became a parent, just barely eighteen, and I thought good moms could magically soothe a crying baby no matter what. ...

aw.... good moms.... older ... good moms.... don't listen to every bullshit theory that comes down the pike, ye ken?

liquid diet for the first year, huh? breast fed for six months/1yr/3yrz/whatever... yeah, budd. sure thing. NOT. and I have the diet of a 3rd world refugee cuz i'm poor and don't qualify for jack shit.

Get out of my face.

But like I said... older. much, much older. 35? Yeah. I think I was 35. it was a long time ago and i'm old now. REal Old and getting older. :D

Cassiopeia
01-19-2008, 10:06 AM
I have two kiddos. Do I regret having them, nope. I will admit there were some days I thought there must have been some kind of mistake for these kids to belong to me. Especially in the early years. They were so small, so precious, and I felt like they deserved a better mom than me and I just didn't know how it came to be that I had them. I was so young when I became a parent, just barely eighteen, and I thought good moms could magically soothe a crying baby no matter what. I thought good moms never ever raised their voices. I thought good moms kept an immaculate home and only served their children made-from-scratch meals.

I felt like I constantly failed my little ones, yet they still smiled, still made me laugh, and they seemed to flourish in this imperfect parenting environment, so I wondered how amazing they'd be with a "good" mom. Then they got a little older, I talked to a few other moms, and I learned no one quite measures up to the all the standards I had set for myself. My kids taught me to relax and have fun. Roll with the punches. They taught me unconditional love. They showed me how to laugh, how to cry, and sometimes, how to do both at the same time. The lesson I fear the most now, is how to let go. I have a feeling I'm not going to be great at that. They are 9 and 11 now and I'm already flipping out over their independence, already dreading sharing these amazing little people with the rest of the world.

You know what's really great, you don't have to let go of them right now so let that go for now. As they venture out you learn to let them. You've taught them well, they have rules and boundaries.

It's funny how each of them handle their own lives in their way. Both of my older two were so excited to get out there and drive. My sixteen year old boy, (the baby) he told me today, "NO WAY! These people are NUTS"

I know I am going to have to push him a little. We are way too close but he's only 16 and we got time. :)

Just live in the moment, day by day.

Unique
01-19-2008, 10:11 AM
It's funny how each of them handle their own lives in their way. Both of my older two were so excited to get out there and drive. My sixteen year old boy, (the baby) he told me today, "NO WAY! These people are NUTS"

that's funny.

my son comes in...'what's wrong, honey?'

him:'sniff, sniff...waaahhh... I wanna drive!'

No foolin.

How old was he? I don't recall.
3? 5? 7?

I don't know. It may have... probably... happened more than once. The boy digs carz. Me, too. It sux he missed Mopar and muscle cars and Motown and straight pipes and four barrel carbs and 28 cent gas.

(okay - 50 cent gas. better? ;)

Cassiopeia
01-19-2008, 10:46 AM
that's funny.

my son comes in...'what's wrong, honey?'

him:'sniff, sniff...waaahhh... I wanna drive!'

No foolin.

How old was he? I don't recall.
3? 5? 7?

I don't know. It may have... probably... happened more than once. The boy digs carz. Me, too. It sux he missed Mopar and muscle cars and Motown and straight pipes and four barrel carbs and 28 cent gas.

(okay - 50 cent gas. better? ;)oooo...remember the gas wars of 1977? I was so thrilled gas was back down to 58 cents a gallon! I drove an old 1964 Dodge Coronet Station wagon with an old 444 engine in it. I could fly in that thing!

Unique
01-19-2008, 10:47 AM
:ROFL:

50 cents of gas and $5.00 worth of oil. blown gaskets on a pos.
good timez, good timez. :D

casi - you'll dig this. Promise. Hope you have cable or DSL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrAdflj54K0

I hate that my earphones won't go loud enough. :D

damn, but that vid trips my trigger. bwahahahahaaa... guess which one ...
that boy is fine, fine, fine... and since i'm old enough to be his mama ... i can call him that....

BWAHAHAHA......

StoryG27
01-19-2008, 10:58 AM
OMG. I'm going to have to show that to my daughter. She is a car NUT! My hubby loves cars, but she is actually starting to know more about the stats of certain muscle cars than he does. She is obsessed. My son will love it too, but it is one of my little girl's passions.

Oh, I liked it too. (Of course, I like Hinder anyway, but very cool video)

Cassiopeia
01-19-2008, 10:58 AM
:ROFL:

50 cents of gas and $5.00 worth of oil. blown gaskets on a pos.
good timez, good timez. :D

casi - you'll dig this. Promise. Hope you have cable or DSL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrAdflj54K0W
OOOOOOOOT!

:e2woo:

You won't believe this..but I used that music in the background of a commercial I designed for Saleen! I had a digital media class and Saleen gave us segments and we had to do splicing and editing and adding music. LOL...I LOVE This song ...I used to put the top down in my convertible a few years back and blast it when the kids were down. LOL...


I mean who can be depressed with that SONG ! BUT I prefer this version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlwLAEzHBcg

Cassiopeia
01-19-2008, 11:02 AM
Oh and in my commercial I used Steppenwolf :D Cos well..they are just BETTER :)

Unique
01-19-2008, 11:11 AM
:ROFL:

ah. i'm an open minded old hag.

not better. just the original. every generation needs to discover its own sliced bread.

mmm.... steppenwolf.... yeah.

akiwiguy
01-19-2008, 12:17 PM
Always interesting thinking back to days spent in cars in the 70s.

Odd true anecdote. When we were about 15 or 16 a mate's father happened to have ended up (did he breed it, can't remember?) one of Australasia's top three-year old race horses. I'm not sure how much it won in stakes money, but it was in seven figures.

Anyway, before a big race his old man said "If he wins, you an have our car." It was a basically new Chev 350. The horse won and we had a new car to hoon in.

Not well thought out on the part of his father. Amazing how fast a buch of 16 year old drunkards can f*** a new car.

And Steppenwolf, I was watching a re-run of Easy Rider recently, and I reckon that tripping scene at the Mardis Gras and the cemetary is the most realistic such scene ever done to this day. There was definitely a lot of ummm... research done. A classic movie.

Elodie-Caroline
01-19-2008, 01:24 PM
Nope, there's not one single second, since I was 20 yrs old and made up my mind that I didn't want kids, that I've ever regretted my decision.


For those of you who have *chosen* not to have children...do you ever regret it?


Elodie

PastMidnight
01-20-2008, 04:46 AM
In 3rd or 4th grade the teacher asked each child how many children they wanted when they grew up. The boys always had higher numbers, (like their work would be over in 45 seconds or less). I was the only one who said none--drawing a few looks.


Interesting! I remember back when I about the same age, a teacher went around the room like this, but asking each child what they wanted to be when they grew up. What sort of job they wanted to have. When the teacher got to me, I said, 'A mother.' She rolled her eyes and said, 'No, really. What sort of job do you want?'

Despite her attitude, I've never changed my mind. I'm a mother of two now and, although some days I want to quit my 'job', I wouldn't trade it for the world.

But then again, I honestly have no regrets about anything in my life. I am happy and satisfied with my life the way it is right now and, if I had done anything differently in the past, I may not be where I am today.

Fenika
01-20-2008, 06:13 AM
No kids, no regrets

wildcatter67
01-20-2008, 06:26 AM
I don't think I regret having my boys, but it took a lot more out of me than I received back. I don't think the younger one (19) cares about me at all. The older one (21) is very, very grateful but I don't think he loves me either.

My ex is Italian and I married at 18, after an abusive childhood. I became the mother of his heirs. I lived the script that was written for me, the best I knew how but it was never good enough, they all tell me. Except my oldest. He tells me I'm his hero. I still don't think he likes me though. I think he feels guilty that my life was so hard, and that to take care of him and his little brother, I had to suffer silently. Gratefulness is not love, though.

The 21 year old graduated from college 2 years ago and is manager of his own store already, and lives across the country. The 19 year old dropped out of college last year and is being allowed to sponge off my ex's family. I haven't seen him in 7 months. I can't go see him as his dad is stalking me, and he can't be bothered to travel the 40 minutes to see me.

Not only was raising the boys emotionally difficult, but the pregnancies damaged my heart and my stomach shows the effects of carrying the children of a 300 pound man in my little, teenaged body. I have more stretchmarks than skin left.

When my boys were young, I was so in love with them and devoted to them, and they were my life. I cried because I couldn't have more children.

I'm 40 now and glad to be childless again. There is a whole world out there I missed out on. I'm more than the mother to that bastard's heirs. No one else believes that yet, but it starts with me. I know I'm more than a mom to his heirs. I know I'm somebody. You know how in sci fi movies, the robot becomes self-aware. Well that is what is happening to me. I've become self-aware. I'm not a robot. I do not exist merely to help other people reach their goals. I'm no longer a chameleon who becomes the same color as her environment. I'm chasing my own dreams now and picking what color I want to be.

Women need to think very carefully before having children. Yes, if we have them, something happens in our brains, that allows us to temporarily become delusional, that it is all worth it. Sometimes, it is certainly not the best thing for us, though. Absolutely, entirely, not in our best interest. Not physically, not emotionally, not financially.

Devil Ledbetter
01-20-2008, 04:53 PM
I don't think I regret having my boys, but it took a lot more out of me than I received back. I don't think the younger one (19) cares about me at all. The older one (21) is very, very grateful but I don't think he loves me either.

I'm more than the mother to that bastard's heirs. Do you love them? If you see them as "that bastard's heirs" rather than individuals who had no say whatsoever in their parentage, it's not surprising they'd be less than affectionate in return.

And yes, parents usually end up giving more than they receive. That's just the equation.

I hope this next stage of your life is more fulfilling for you.

Unique
01-20-2008, 05:01 PM
Walk on, wildcatter
You're on the free trail now.


something happens in our brains, that allows us to temporarily become delusional, that it is all worth it.

I am not now, nor have I ever been that delusional. that is all ...

I commend you for not being as bitter and cynical as you could/should/would
have been

Devil Ledbetter
01-20-2008, 05:05 PM
I commend you for not being as bitter and cynical as you could/should/would
have beenMe too. I hope I didn't come off as critical.

Unique
01-20-2008, 05:06 PM
I understood. I wanted to make sure she did. :)

wildcatter67
01-20-2008, 07:17 PM
Do you love them? If you see them as "that bastard's heirs" rather than individuals who had no say whatsoever in their parentage, it's not surprising they'd be less than affectionate in return.

And yes, parents usually end up giving more than they receive. That's just the equation.

I hope this next stage of your life is more fulfilling for you.

It's my own fault my boys treat me like they do. In subtle ways I too taught them that I wasn't a person, but just a robot to serve them, their dad and his family. They still expect me to act the way that I used to, and they let me know that if I want to continue having a relationship with them, that I'm not allowed to take care of myself, if it means inconveniencing anyone, ever.

In their later teenage years they were often crossing the line of emotionally abusing me. It was really easy to wear me down and get what they wanted from me. I was so worn down at that point I just couldn't fight back most of the time. They didn't know, and still don't, that this behavior is wrong.

Yes, I love my boys, but I HATE how they treat me, and I'm going to continue to demand that people treat me like I deserve to be treated, even if it means losing them. Undoing the brainwashing starts with me. Then maybe it will ripple outwards, or maybe it won't. For the first time in my life, I have to take care of me, even if it means being a bad mom.

When I left their dad, I was 91 pounds and so stressed out that I had a seizure every time he walked into the room. With no work experience or insurance and no financial resources of my own, I ended out in a regular homeless shelter, after falling through the cracks of the domestic abuse system. I only filed for divorce after I realized it was the only way to keep myself safe.

But all anyone sees is the pain of my ex and my sons. Everyone lets me know that I still come last, always, no matter what, and that I had no right to cause them the pain that I did. Just letting myself quietly pass away would have been so much more convenient for everyone.

Instead, using the very last bits of my strength, I started my life over, at the very, very bottom and I'm clawing my way up. Not back up, because I was never up, but into a whole new world, I thought I didn't deserve to ever enter.

I'm choosing to end the borderline abuse that was taking place with my boys. If that is not loving them, then I guess I don't. I don't think they are the same thing, though. My boys know what I did for them, like no one else does. If that wasn't love I truly don't know what love is.

Perks
01-20-2008, 07:32 PM
Wildcatter, it's an intense story you've related here and, while we can't know every angle or nuance to your history, I have to say that your bravery and candor in telling us what you have is impressive. I hope that you draw strength from it.

Some people say that you can't 'know' people on a message board, or you can't 'grow' in cyberspace, but I don't believe that. It can, or at least AW can, be a place where you find your voice and your sea legs.

Good luck to you.

Silver King
01-20-2008, 07:38 PM
Great posts, wildcatter. Although your situation is unfortunate, it's good to hear the darker sides of parenthood to help form a more balanced view.

I mentioned a while ago in this thread that my oldest boy dislikes me, so I know how you feel. It breaks my heart to think of him and wonder what I could have done differently. But I don't blame myself anymore. I did all I could for him. It just wasn't enough, at least in his eyes.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
01-20-2008, 08:06 PM
What could you have done differently?

Sometimes: Nothing.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do. You can't make someone love you... even if you gave them life.

Devil Ledbetter
01-20-2008, 08:07 PM
Wildcatter, it sounds like you've come back from tremendous odds against you. I think you're right that it ultimately is healthier for the boys and you if you put yourself first now that they're grown.