She shook her head she shook her head she shook her head she shook her head ARG!

underthecity · Jan 14, 2008

I'm reading On the Run by Iris Johansen. It's a multi-published author I've never read before. The book is a thriller about a woman and her eight year old daughter who, up until the story begins, have been living on a horse ranch in hiding because the woman used to be kind of a spy. Well, the bad guys have found her and now she and her daughter are on the move again.

At first I found the story and writing style very promising. The author has a very lean writing style and doesn't waste a lot of time on lush descriptions and general wordiness. She even uses "said" so seldom that I've actually been learning how to cut more "saids" from my own manuscript.

But Oh. My. God. She totally overuses "She shook her head."

There's at least one on every page. Sometimes two, sometimes three. I have gotten so tired of reading "she shook her head" that I have seriously contemplated giving up on this novel. I would love to see the word "No" a little more often, but no. It's always "She shook her head."

It's driving me crazy! The only reason I've stuck it out as long as I have is because I want to see how the subplot of the bad guys chasing her pans out. I've started skimming the main plot because I can't read any more "She shook her head"s any longer.

Where was the editor? This was a big publisher. Didn't anyone at this publishing house say, "You know, I counted nearly a thousand instances of 'She shook her head' in this book. Think you could cut out a few?"

The novel shouldn't be titled "On the Run." A better title is "She Shakes Her Head."

All right, rant over.

allen

Shadow_Ferret · Jan 14, 2008

I like shaking heads. I'm probably the only one here who doesn't mind it. Because people do shake their heads. We make an awful lot of non-verbal communication in real life. I don't see what's wrong with literature reflecting that.

geardrops · Jan 14, 2008

Listen, maybe she's a bobble head. Who are you to judge? Racist.

althrasher · Jan 14, 2008

Head-shaking--a common problem amoung those plauged with dandruff.

rihannsu · Jan 14, 2008

I'm using variations of "shrugged" way too much in my WIP.

JeanneTGC · Jan 14, 2008

I know what Allan means, though. I'm guilty of it -- you have a certain phrase or movement for a character, and you overuse it without realizing it. I'm not talking about "that" or "said" or a word that gets overused (lord knows, I have those, too), but a phrase that you, the author, don't realize you're overusing.

In no particular order, these are the top 5 of what my crit partner either gives a sigh of frustration or a giggle over -- right before she pulls them out:
-- ran all out
-- a bit
-- small smile
-- looked over at (looked over or looked at, but I don't get to keep over at)
-- "just" with anything -- just a bit is a sure-fired way to make her groan

I get to keep some of these, of course, but not as many as I normally litter through my WIPs.

And the less said about my love of the word "that", the better.

I do agree with Ed, too, though, in that having non-verbal communication helps with characterization. Just have to temper it a bit.

IceCreamEmpress · Jan 14, 2008

underthecity said:
Where was the editor? This was a big publisher. Didn't anyone at this publishing house say, "You know, I counted nearly a thousand instances of 'She shook her head' in this book. Think you could cut out a few?

Nope. She's too successful now, so the editors are unlikely to offer that kind of feedback even if she would be amenable to accepting it (I don't know whether Ms. Johansen is open to feedback or not).

This is a huge problem. Nobody wants to tell mega-blockbuster-bestsellers that something in their latest doesn't work, even when it's glaring. You can see the decline in editing in the Harry Potter series, for the same reason.

Iris Johansen is one of those writers who's very strong on plot and characterization, and...um...utilitarian in other aspects of her craft. I find her stories absorbing, but I have the same reaction to some of the infelicities of her prose.

JoNightshade · Jan 14, 2008

I too think this is a problem.

If I were you I might go through with red pen and cross out every instance. Somehow that would alleviate the pain of reading it. Then, after a finished, I might send it off to the author.

Red-Green · Jan 14, 2008

Ha! Just wait 'til it happens to you with an author you love. After reading The Blind Assassin, I longed to throttle Margaret Atwood for the abuse of faux subjunctive when describing common events of the past. Then we would visit our neighbor who would say...blah blah blah. Sure, people use it in conversation, but reading all that would would would is as maddening as reading an entire novel written in passive voice.

katiemac · Jan 14, 2008

Redzilla said:
Ha! Just wait 'til it happens to you with an author you love. After reading The Blind Assassin, I longed to throttle Margaret Atwood for the abuse of faux subjunctive when describing common events of the past. Then we would visit our neighbor who would say...blah blah blah. Sure, people use it in conversation, but reading all that would would would is as maddening as reading an entire novel written in passive voice.

Damn you!

Blind Assassin is next on my reading list. Now it's all I'll pay attention to.

Completely understand what you mean, Allen. I finished a YA series not long ago, where the young hero would always smile, but it "never reached his eyes."

WendyNYC · Jan 14, 2008

I've noticed that Joyce Carol Oates really, really likes the word "wizened."

I shake my head and shrug at that.

Marian Perera · Jan 14, 2008

I love George R. R. Martin's books, but I'm getting tired of people's eyes being "as big as boiled eggs". I keep wondering, do eggs get bigger in Westeros after they're boiled, which is why he doesn't just say "as big as eggs"?

underthecity · Jan 14, 2008

Shadow_Ferret said:
Because people do shake their heads. We make an awful lot of non-verbal communication in real life. I don't see what's wrong with literature reflecting that.

Oh, I don't mind reading a character shaking his or her head. I've used it in my own novel. Nor do I mind nodding, sitting up straight, rubbing the bridge of his nose, yawning, or any human thing we all do ourselves.

But it's the overuse of that one action that jumps off the page.

I understand it might be important for characterization. Okay, that particular character might shake her head a lot. But in On The Run (Or, She Shakes Her Head) it's not just the one character. It's all characters. All characters do it. They shake their heads. They nod. They grimace. They shrug.

Consider these passages:

(page 134)

"From what he told me, she's right," Robert said. "She's just a kid. How does she understand stuff like that?"

Grace shook her head. "I don't know. She's a miracle." . . .

(page 136)

"And you're sure you left no evidence after you dispatched Kersoff's wife?"

Hanley shook his head. "I went through the desk and her bedroom. No paperwork."

(page 137)

". . . I've promised to take Guillaume down to the paddock to look at the Pair [of horses] as a special treat."

Hanley shook his head. "Why is the boy so besotten with those horses?". . .

Now, those are just the "shook their heads" from one small section of the book. I didn't include all the shrugs and grimaces.

In analyzing this, it seems to me to be a shortcut to writing a scene. Rather than show a character how a character feels about a certain point, the author just uses and reuses a physical action. I don't know if that makes the book any better, but too much of one thing gets worn out very quickly, IMHO.

allen

blacbird · Jan 14, 2008

You're right, City, it's the overuse that's a reader-killer. Once it comes to your attention, it stops you every time you see it, until you just want to scream. It reminds me of mystery writer Ross MacDonald's obsession with over-written strained similes, which makes him unreadable for me now.

caw

TrickyFiction · Jan 14, 2008

I can relate. My MC is voiceless most of the time. She does a lot of nodding and shaking of her head. I keep thinking about how I'm going to have to cut a lot of them, but what could I replace them with? It's tricky business, I say.

Shadow_Ferret · Jan 14, 2008

I'd have to see the actual page. Printed as you have it, yes it seems over done, there is one every other paragraph.

But I'm still thinking even once a page isn't going to bother me.

Tasmin21 · Jan 14, 2008

My characters smirk. A lot. It's possible that, like their mothers warned, their faces really did freeze that way.

underthecity · Jan 14, 2008

I don't have a single smirk in mine. But one character leers twice in the same scene.

allen

RLB · Jan 14, 2008

I tend to notice repetition like that as well. That said, I don't have nearly enough leerers and smirkers in my book, but I have plenty of nodders and sighers to go around. Makes editing fun.

chartreuse · Jan 14, 2008

This is a pretty timely topic for me. I was typing away innocently this morning on my WIP, pretty happy with what I was churning out, and then I made the mistake of reading back over the last couple pages. Here's what I found:

He nodded.
He shook his head.
She nodded and rolled her eyes.
She shook her head.
He nodded and smiled.
She grimaced and nodded.

And so on...I try not to edit myself too much on the first draft, but that was just more than I could take.

And now I'm glad I fixed it, because if I had somehow forgotten, apparently it might have made it all the way through to the published version!

JustGo · Jan 14, 2008

I'm rewriting my novel right now, but I focus so much on the individual scenes that I have no idea what I do and do not overuse over the course of the book...
Dang...
I think I'm in for a major wake-up call when I read the entire thing from electronic cover to cover.

JimmyB27 · Jan 15, 2008

Like a certain fantasy author and all his sniffing women.

Tedium · Jan 15, 2008

dempsey said:
Listen, maybe she's a bobble head. Who are you to judge? Racist.

I lawled hard.

I notice repitition when I read another's work and also when I'm writing my own. I don't like it, but I can't seem to stop. I guess that is why God made editors and re-writes.

I hope if I am ever a bestseller, no one is too afraid to tell me about my short comings. What a scary thought.

Danger Jane · Jan 15, 2008

I had a really major complex with this a few weeks ago because one of my POV characters is mute. So uh how else does she say yes or no? I think I pulled it off decently. We shall see in edits. I tried to avoid as many yes/no situations as possible.

Body language, though, I love. I like to find a very specific action that will indicate the whole emotional state of the character, or help the reader better imagine the scene, without using a ton of words. It's hard sometimes, but, well, people are pretty fidgety in real life. So I just memorize their fidgets and record them later in story form.

Red-Green · Jan 15, 2008

Tedium said:
I notice repitition when I read another's work and also when I'm writing my own. I don't like it, but I can't seem to stop. I guess that is why God made editors and re-writes.

Also, thankfully, why Bill Gates created "Find." That's always one of the first revision steps I take: perform a "Find" and Destroy on all of my Most Frequently Abused Phrases. A lot. A little. Kind of.

Ugh.

She shook her head she shook her head she shook her head she shook her head ARG!

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