Please read: A story worth reading

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Ativan

Go though that door. I'll take the other one."

Gun loaded firmly between his hands he kicked the door open with his foot and jumped in. It was a big mistake. HE was instantly surrounded, and the enemy didn't have to take a second glance before firing. The bullet went through his skull and Ben moaned as the GAME OVER letters flashed on the television screen.

"Next time do what I say,” Ben growled at his brother as he tossed the play station controller to the ground of the car.

"Look, look, out the window," Ben's mom yelled as she gazed out the car. The car came to a halt and everybody looked in front of them. Surrounded by trees was a two-story brick cabin. A chimney extended from the room and most of the windows were hidden by shudders that were in bad need of a new paint job. The trees cast a great shadow on the house giving it a most eerie look and hiding the hot July Sun as well.

"It's about time we got here," Ben complained as he jumped out of the car and stretched. He paid little attention to the house but instead looked around him. Trees, trees, trees, and more trees. Nothing but endless trees waving their branches surrounded them and the violent way the trees shook their limbs around in the wind; it seemed as if they were dancing.

"How far is another cabin?" Ben asked.

"Ohhh miles away, we are all alone. Won't this be a most exciting experience?" Ben's mom asked. "This is going to be a miserable week," Been thought. Grabbing his luggage he followed his parents into the house. The room was cold, humid, damp and even the smell was wet and sour. Walking up a flight of squeaking stairs Ben laid his luggage and headed back outside.

"I am going to go explore," Ben yelled over his shoulder.





"Be back in time for dinner," His mother hollered.

"Ya, whatever," Ben mumbled as he headed into the woods. Ben was a short fourteen-year-old boy. His hair, which was always combed, was light brown, and his eyes were a sparkling blue. Sports were what he loved to do and the one thing he couldn't stand- his parents, who in his opinion well... that should be left unsaid. He was a good student. Not great but he did ok, other then that he hated it. But heck, who likes school? Other then talking, it was a pain in the ***.

The trees of the forest were so close together, and the braches and leaves so thick that it was almost too dark to see as he walked along. He wondered what his friends were doing right now and gave a deep sigh. Looking up he squinted ahead of him. The trees several yards before him began to spread out, and a little further beyond he could see the sparkle of water. Walking forward, he pushed a tree branch out of the way as he came face to face with a small pond. The water was so still one could have jumped in it and not expected it give way beneath. The water looked clean enough to drink. Ben bent down and took a hand full. It was extremely cool compared to the hot weather and pressing it to his lips he founded it tasted just as good as any other drinking water. Standing up he look around at all the unusual flowers surrounding the pond when a small glistening object attracted his eyes. On the other side of the pond the coils of a tree root was a beautiful light. Ben looked at it for a moment trying to decide what to do and then he jumped into the pond. It was shallow enough to walk across, and so he came to the other side and his mouth dropped open at what he saw.

Coiled into the tree roots was a diamond. He was sure of it. The stone was so magnificent ad it was the biggest diamond he had ever seen.

"Don't touch it!"

The Voice startled Ben, and slipping in the mud, he fell on his back and began to look around. He remained silent as hi s eyes searched the forest for the mysterious voice. However, his eyes rested on something else of interest. Attached to a group of trees were human skulls. Several, or rather dozens. Perhaps more than that, the bushes hid many of them.

"Who are you?" The voice asked again. Out of the trees emerged a small figure draped in hided of leaves. A hat of leaves rested snugly on his head. The creature was half the size of Ben and his face was that of a man's, wrinkled, and old, as if he had smoked one pack to many. His face was covered in hair and it hid his nose. Big bright marble orange eyes looked at Ben in concern.

"I am Ben. I.... I... I I just ummm.... came to look at this stone," Ben mumbled."

"Don't even think about touching it." The creature said raising his voice."

"Who are you. Tell me what you to do." Ben asked in defense .

"You see the skulls on the trees." Do you see 'em sonny. I warned all those people- ya- warned 'em all and not to touch the stone. But did they listen? No," the man said with a growl. "I am not going to stop you from taking it. My job is simply to warn you. Others will a will aide you if you chose the wrong path. And their aid can often not be so indecisive.”

"The wrong path." Ben asked.

":If you take the stone!" The man roared! Ben only looked at him with uncertainty

"This is a diamond isn't it?" Ben asked looking back at the stone.

"Not only is it a diamond, but it is what allows the world to go on. It is a stone of life. The seasons change, the rain falls, and children are born because of that stone," The man yelled pointing a long bony finger at it.

"What are you talking about? What you're saying is a bunch of B.S. You think I'm going to leave the stone alone because some old freak says it's the cause of life," Ben asked, not even sure if he was really awake. Ben then let out a small laugh at thought of the stone being a- a "stone of life".

The old man shook his head and looked sadly at Ben. "The stone must be kept here and will be kept here. If you wish to challenge my wisdom that is your choice. But remember, the punishment is death," The man whispered. "Almost as awkwardly as he had appeared he vanished. Ben scratched his head for a moment a little puzzled by the commotion and felt his face as wondered once again if he were awake. HE looked from the glimmering stone back to the woods and back at the stone. Hah, that man is crazy, there is no such thing. I don't believe in magic or a stone having powers." Ben told himself. With both hands he leaned over and pulled the stone out of the coil of the roots. As it was tugged lose, the tree began to shake but there was no wind and suddenly it turned black as night as the sun shined brightly on it, and a soft moan seemed to surrounded Ben. Panicking, Ben, tripped over the trees roots as he ran back.

~ ~ ~

The rest is on the web
http://mtbook.hypermart.net/id10.html
 

Fresie

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Ativan,

Thanks for the posting, although it probably belongs on the Share Your Work forum. One word, though: your site is extremely hard to read, due to all the colors and columns. If you want people to read the beginning, you really need to make it easier for their eyes: black on white is best. In any case, any kind of a light-colored script against a darker background is a murder to read.

Good luck!
 

Anaparenna

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This appears to be a redirect to a pay-to-read website.

Publishing books can be very time consuming and very costly. This allows the reader to pay the bear minium [sic] for top quality writing.
 

Torin

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Running spell check through it won't hurt either. To be honest, I pretty much stopped after "kicked it with his foot" because, really, what else is he going to kick with? I skimmed through after that and saw grammar and spelling errors that will keep me from reading more. I'm hard to please.
 

Jamesaritchie

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Spelling

Torin said:
Running spell check through it won't hurt either. To be honest, I pretty much stopped after "kicked it with his foot" because, really, what else is he going to kick with? I skimmed through after that and saw grammar and spelling errors that will keep me from reading more. I'm hard to please.

I don't think I'm terribly hard to please, but the spelling and grammar are just too poor to read. And, yeh, phrases like "kicked it with his foot" are also show stoppers.
 

stormie

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I think "ativan" (AW user's name) is a tranquilizing drug. Anyway, the story does need a lot of work. The second sentence, "gun loaded firmly between his hands" doesn't make sense. There are other areas that need work, too. Grammar revisions, cutting a lot of extra descriptions..... And yes, it does lead to a pay-to-read site.
 

aka eraser

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Not happy about the link to the pay-to-read site.

I'm going to close this thread rather than just move it to Share Your Work.

Ativan, if you want feedback please post in the proper forum next time. I'd also advise you drop the link or you'll get hammered over there.
 
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