Parenthetical observations

Oberon · Jan 8, 2008

I read with interest Mum23's thread about "said." It brought a question to mind that is somewhat related. Sometimes when I'm writing dialog I want to interject a listener's observation or reaction in the middle rather than wait for the end of the statement which would involve more explanation than I want to get into.

George was Irate. "She's my daughter (If you only knew) so if you don't mind I'll take her with me right now."

Is there a better way to do it?

melaniehoo · Jan 8, 2008

If that phrase is also spoken, I'd put it between hyphens.

"She's my daughter – if you only knew – so if you don't mind..."

Siddow · Jan 8, 2008

I would do it like this, so long as the listener is clearly the POV character for the scene:

George was irate. "She's my daughter--"
If you only knew.
"--so if you don't mind, I'll take her with me right now."

melaniehoo · Jan 8, 2008

Siddow, that makes more sense.

kuwisdelu · Jan 8, 2008

Siddow said:
I would do it like this, so long as the listener is clearly the POV character for the scene:

George was irate. "She's my daughter--"
If you only knew.
"--so if you don't mind, I'll take her with me right now."

I do it similarly, but without breaking the lines up:

George was irate. "She's my daughter,"--if you only knew--"so if you don't mind, I'll take her with me right now."

Robin Bayne · Jan 8, 2008

Siddow said:
I would do it like this, so long as the listener is clearly the POV character for the scene:

George was irate. "She's my daughter--"
If you only knew.
"--so if you don't mind, I'll take her with me right now."

I like this one, but you could also finish the sentence and put the phrase in italics after it.

George was irate. "She's my daughter--so if you don't mind, I'll take her with me right now."

If you only knew.

geardrops · Jan 8, 2008

Stylistically, I liked Siddow's.

For Inspiewriter's example, the "If you only knew" doesn't link up to the bit about the daughter as strongly as it needs to, IMHO.

Oberon · Jan 8, 2008

The problem is to make it clear it's the listener's observation, not the speaker's.

-- If you only knew, Willy thought --

Loses some punch. I have to think about this.

IceCreamEmpress · Jan 8, 2008

kuwisdelu said:
I do it similarly, but without breaking the lines up:

George was irate. "She's my daughter,"--if you only knew--"so if you don't mind, I'll take her with me right now."

That wouldn't work for me as a reader. I'd have no way of knowing whether "If you only knew" was George's thought or the other character's.

And as an editor, I'd just gleefully blue-pencil away the non-standard punctuation.

I think the ways Siddow and Inspiewriter have done it are both quite acceptable in terms of US publishing style. Another option is this:

George was irate. "She's my daughter--"

If you only knew, Willy thought.

"--so, if you don't mind, I'll take her with me right now."

Oberon · Jan 9, 2008

Thanks, Empress, I think that works. Now I have to go back to my other novels to see what needs to be changed there. It is sometimes hard to know when you're writing whether you're making things that are clear to you clear to the reader. I have whole scenes and actions in my mind and sometimes leave out a significant detail, unconsciously assuming the reader knows what I know. I know, beta readers.

Parenthetical observations

Oberon

melaniehoo

And thus we begin the edits

Siddow

I'm super! Thanks for asking

melaniehoo

And thus we begin the edits

kuwisdelu

Revolutionize the World

Robin Bayne

~writes for Him~

geardrops

Good thing I like my day job

Oberon

IceCreamEmpress

Hapless Virago

Oberon