Need Help with descibing a feeling

honeycomb · Jan 5, 2008

Hi All,

Help please. This is women's fiction, and I really don't want to be too graphic in my description. I don't know how to write a sensation that one of my character's is experiencing. He has just left from his first date with a woman he has been in love with since he was a kid. He's now 18.

Does this sound to corny? If yes, any recommendation?
Thanks for your help! Oh, the rural dialect is intentional.

-------
The throbbing sensation Roy felt in lower part of his body made his knees weak. “I bes’ be gittin’ home. I come by tomorra after suppa to git you.”
“Goodnight, my love,” she said, as she walked into the house.
XXXXX
During his drive home, Roy thought about stopping at Bessie Mae Durham’s house to help him relieve the throbbing sensation still coming from mid-section.

joyce · Jan 5, 2008

After the Turn-off/Gag me sex words Thread that's floating around here, I'm going to have a hard time here without laughing. I don't think I'll ever be able to write a love/sex scene again without thinking about it. With that being said.....I think you use throbbing sensation too many times in such a quick way. Perhaps change one of them to passionate lust, erotic desire, longing in his loins. It's just my opinion but I'd change one of the descriptions up to something else. I try to use different descriptions, even to describe the same feelings, when writing one scene. Good luck.

kristie911 · Jan 5, 2008

I don't see any huge issues with it as far as feeling goes. But while I understand the "rural" dialect is intentional, after reading a couple of sentences of it, I would not finish the book...it's just too over the top and hard to read. A smattering of words here and there to convey the dialect would be plenty...this just requires too much thinking to make sense of it. Rather than rural, it just makes him sound mentally challenged. Is that what you're shooting for?

BTW...I live in a very rural area but I certainly don't talk that way.

Little Red Barn · Jan 5, 2008

Hey honey, what Joyce said. Now for the dialect, I love it and for me I'd def continue on reading... Ever read Icy Sparks? Rubio does this quite well as do many others. I love the tone you've got going!

honeycomb · Jan 5, 2008

joyce said:
After the Turn-off/Gag me sex words Thread that's floating around here, I'm going to have a hard time here without laughing. I don't think I'll ever be able to write a love/sex scene again without thinking about it. With that being said.....I think you use throbbing sensation too many times in such a quick way. Perhaps change one of them to passionate lust, erotic desire, longing in his loins. It's just my opinion but I'd change one of the descriptions up to something else. I try to use different descriptions, even to describe the same feelings, when writing one scene. Good luck.

LoL

I have to say that when I was writing it, it sounded very cheesy to me too. I mean who says this, but because I'm so uncomfortable writing these types of sensations, I wrote the first thing that came to mind, and then I hurried in here to ask for help!

Thanks, and stop laughing. Your making me laugh

joyce · Jan 5, 2008

Every time I write one of these scenes I laugh at myself. I mean I just can't imagine my husband coming in and saying "I've got a longing in my loins that needs some passionate tending to." Over the years these scenes have gotten easier for me to write and somehow I always have one in my novels. As far as the dialect, I've read books like this. I hate to admit it, but it reminded me of some of my backwoods realatives. The only difference is their words would not be so formal.

honeycomb · Jan 5, 2008

kristie911 said:
I don't see any huge issues with it as far as feeling goes. But while I understand the "rural" dialect is intentional, after reading a couple of sentences of it, I would not finish the book...it's just too over the top and hard to read. A smattering of words here and there to convey the dialect would be plenty...this just requires too much thinking to make sense of it. Rather than rural, it just makes him sound mentally challenged. Is that what you're shooting for?

BTW...I live in a very rural area but I certainly don't talk that way.

Hey Kristie911!. Thanks for the response. I'm so sorry to imply that people in rural areas talk like that. I should have prefaced it with this portion of the story is set in 1942, Lynchburg, South Carolina (rural as rural can get), and it is an African American family. The book does only contain a smattering of the dialect. Trust me the first time I read Their Eyes Were Watching God, by Zora Neal Hurston, I had a hard time with the dialect too, but it was definitely necessary, and you see what happened with that book.

Thanks again.

honeycomb · Jan 5, 2008

joyce said:
As far as the dialect, I've read books like this. I hate to admit it, but it reminded me of some of my backwoods realatives. The only difference is their words would not be so formal.

Joyce,

LoL! Between you me, and the rest of our fellow AWers. This character is a family member, and yes they lived in the backwoods and still do. However, as an FYI the scene is set in 1941.

Even today when I visit, I have to ask my mother to interpret. Our conversation is usually goes like this.

"What did granddaddy just say?" and Granddaddy always responds with, "Gal, you need to git yo' hearin' check out!" :roll:

honeycomb · Jan 5, 2008

kimmi said:
Hey honey, what Joyce said. Now for the dialect, I love it and for me I'd def continue on reading... Ever read Icy Sparks? Rubio does this quite well as do many others. I love the tone you've got going!

Kimmi,

Thank you so much. I've been keeping up with your blog, and to have you say that means a lot to me. I have not read Icy Sparks, but since you rec'd it, I'll pick up a copy.

Thanks again.

Little Red Barn · Jan 5, 2008

honeycomb said:
Kimmi,

Thank you so much. I've been keeping up with your blog, and to have you say that means a lot to me. I have not read Icy Sparks, but since you rec'd it, I'll pick up a copy.

Thanks again.

You'll like it! Whenever I read dialect thats different, sprinkled throughout the book, it puts me in the book gives me a rich flavor, so to speak.

Good luck with this, it sounds great!

kristie911 · Jan 5, 2008

Knowing when and where it's set and that is was an African-American speaking makes a lot more sense now. When I read the first post and saw rural dialect, I was thinking current time and just somewhere down south and thought it might be a bit much. Thanks for clarifying.

And I agree with Kimmi, I like dialect sprinkled throughout the book but if it's a main character and 90% of the dialogue reads like that, just realize that you may lose some readers. It just gets so tedious after awhile that I usually can't finish unless the plot just totally has me blown away.

MargueriteMing · Jan 5, 2008

For me, a little dialect goes a long way. If you want to show that a character is hard to understand, then show other people having difficulty understanding them. Making it hard for the reader to understand them is a problem, in my opinion.

slcboston · Jan 5, 2008

With respect to the sexual aspects - the original topic here

- there is one more thing, and it relates to the use of dialect and such as well.

When you're describing how a character feels, in any situation, I always find it distracting if an author steps out of character to convey what's going on. For example, here we have a rural, uneducated guy. Ignoring that for me, despite what decades of romance writers have affirmed, speaking as a guy it has never "throbbed" (done lots of other things, perhaps, but when I think of things throbbing I think of hitting my thumb with a hammer - THAT throbs. The other thing is ... well, another discussion.

) - would your character actually describe it that way?

And if he knows about sex already - as is implied by stopping at Bessie's place - I'd be inclined to have a less poetic description in place. Toss in the general lack of poetry among 18 year old guys with sex on their brain... and to me, it's asking for a more earthy re-write.

akiwiguy · Jan 5, 2008

slcboston said:
Ignoring that for me, despite what decades of romance writers have affirmed, speaking as a guy it has never "throbbed" (done lots of other things, perhaps, but when I think of things throbbing I think of hitting my thumb with a hammer - THAT throbs.

I sometimes think in terms of, and have used, the term aching in a certain context. To convey both the psychological and physical near-pain of intense desire and arousal not yet satisfied. Looks odd just typed as a word like that, but in context can work.

To me it gets back to what's going on psychologically being more intense than what a cock's doing. Most garrish cliches, in my opinion, tend to centre on descriptions of body parts that are a given and don't even need to be described. Everyone knows that a highly aroused male will have a hard-on for God's sake. It's more powerful to be taken into the intensity of his feelings than a cliche description of a particular part of his body.

If I think to situations of saying good night to a woman who I am seriously desperate to bed, there is a hell of a lot more going on than my having a hard on. Maybe it's just my preference or style, but I'd be thinking of how to describe that lingering on the doorstep, awkward small talk, and awkward silences, perhaps drifting to a fleeting thought of what he'd now like to do to her, and maybe his wrestle with the temptation to ask if he can stay. In fact his very actions could convey this rural feel better than simply "rural dialect". A shy kind of awkwardness.

Or whatever, and it depends who's writing the story. Just my own thing, but I'd like to get a sense that the last thing on earth he wants to do is say goodnight. He wants to lay this woman!

slcboston · Jan 5, 2008

akiwiguy said:
I sometimes think in terms of, and have used, the term aching in a certain context. To convey both the psychological and physical near-pain of intense desire and arousal not yet satisfied. ... Just my own thing, but I'd like to get a sense that the last thing on earth he wants to do is say goodnight. He wants to lay this woman!

To that end, "ache" is a sensation and a reaction that I can... "relate" to, if you will, and think it's a much better description, and a better word choice besides. "Throbbing" has become a bit of an erotic cliche anyway, whereas even though "ache" is frequently used it conveys more than just the physical sensations of what's going on.

honeycomb · Jan 5, 2008

Thank you all. I think I'm going to with aching.

akiwiguy · Jan 5, 2008

slcboston said:
To that end, "ache" is a sensation and a reaction that I can... "relate" to...

Smile. Yes, I think most males could.

The more I've thought about this, I think if a female said "tell me in one word what male arousal feels like", I am not sure that I'd find a better word in the dictionary. To me it is definitely a continual ache. Not a throb or lovely tingley feeling or anything else.

And to me why the whole notion of "teasing" each other is so appealing, and why the pleasure/pain dichotomy is so inherent within all sex, and...

Need Help with descibing a feeling

honeycomb

Caroline

joyce

I'm really shy...

kristie911

Happy to be here

Little Red Barn

haz own threads

honeycomb

Caroline

joyce

I'm really shy...

honeycomb

Caroline

honeycomb

Caroline

honeycomb

Caroline

Little Red Barn

haz own threads

kristie911

Happy to be here

MargueriteMing

slcboston

Pasture-ized

akiwiguy

AW Inmate #90976

slcboston

Pasture-ized

honeycomb

Caroline

akiwiguy

AW Inmate #90976