The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

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delicate #!&@*#! flower
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I'm crying, that was so funny. I love that site and I always forget about it. Crap, that was hilarious. I'm a mess.
 

Simple Living

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I'm just crying. I found it to be a sad commentary on the state of things today. It's insulting and vulgar towards the Creator of the Universe. It doesn't matter if you believe in Him or not. If it had been written about someone that you love dearly, I doubt it would be considered hilarious then.
 

Jean Marie

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clockwork

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I adore their iphone pilot/weather parody. I wish they'd do one for each of those ads.
 

Bravo

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Instead of strapping it to his back, Ehud chose to tie it to his thigh. One wonders why the royal guards didn't comment when they frisked Elud and felt 18 inches of rigid steel in his pants. Maybe, they just assumed he was Egyptian.

:ROFL:
 

JoNightshade

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:roll:

Oh man, hilarious. Thanks for posting that!

ETA: I should mention I'm Christian and I wasn't offended. Those were some of my favorite passages! :)
 

astonwest

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I'm just crying. I found it to be a sad commentary on the state of things today. It's insulting and vulgar towards the Creator of the Universe. It doesn't matter if you believe in Him or not. If it had been written about someone that you love dearly, I doubt it would be considered hilarious then.
I do believe and love the Lord, and still enjoyed it thoroughly...I'm still laughing. It's all a matter of taking it in stride. Having read through the Bible, which I still do, there are a number of stories which I say to myself "why did it happen that way?" (like David and the 100/200 foreskins story that topped the list here...I was just beginning to get disappointed that David wasn't on the list until then)

Unfortunately, they had to limit it to 9...There are so many stories out there one could analyze like that...

Of course, I also like to read the Useless Men blog...which is similar in tone.
 

William Haskins

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I read the first 2, William, and you know I'll give you an honest opinion, right. We both recognize each other's beliefs. That being said, even w/ my dark humor, this one was over the line.

over what line, though?

it's not like they're putting words in god's mouth. it's commentary on the actual text of the bible which, so i'm told, was written by god.

assuming this is true, is it not at least marginally humorous to muse over why he would need to write about the size of egyptians' packages and the volume of their ejaculant?

conversely, if such analysis (even under the guise of humor) illuminates the function of the bible as a political and cultural document, is that not also worthy of consideration?

perhaps not, to some people, but i did but a note in the OP that some believers might find it objectionable.
 
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JoNightshade

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assuming this is true, is it not at least marginally humorous to muse over why he would need to write about the size of egyptians' packages and the volume of their ejaculant?

Actually this passage (Ezekiel 23:19-20) was the one they took out of context. It isn't an actual historical event or commentary, it's completely figurative. It's one big metaphor about various nations and people groups and isn't meant to be taken literally. I'd have to go back and read the whole thing to be sure, but I think this bit about the Egyptians is probably a) sarcastic and b) insulting to the Jews who were allied with Egypt rather than their own people. It's like saying "You only love that guy because he has a big penis."
 

William Haskins

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Actually this passage (Ezekiel 23:19-20) was the one they took out of context. It isn't an actual historical event or commentary, it's completely figurative. It's one big metaphor about various nations and people groups and isn't meant to be taken literally.

19 Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt.
20 For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.


no, i think the context is evident, and even god wouldn't fall into the writer's trap of hyperbolic metaphor by describing "various nations or groups" based on seed output.
 

Voyager

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It's repeated in the Book of Enoch to describe the Watchers as well

no, i think the context is evident, and even god wouldn't fall into the writer's trap of hyperbolic metaphor by describing "various nations or groups" based on seed output.
 

brokenfingers

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I thought it was funny as hell. I'd like to see a Koran version.
 

Magdalen

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2100 years ago (in a former life) I was a young rabinical student charged with writing out pages and pages of sacred text. It was a beautiful summer day, birds chirrped, bees buzzed and a couple of sisters were doing laundry in the nearby river. I longed to join them as they splashed and laughed and rucked their skirts up above their knees. To be honest, I was not a very happy student. I hated reading and writing, and as I had told my father on the day he left me at the gates, "All I really want to do is Sing!!" But he did not care. On my third day of residence, I was taken to a small room with a single window and told to copy the text of a huge collection of writings. They told me it was the word of God, but I recognized the writing style of my great Uncle Zeek. So, can you blame me for having a little fun inbetween bouts of writer's cramp?
 

Pat~

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no, i think the context is evident, and even god wouldn't fall into the writer's trap of hyperbolic metaphor by describing "various nations or groups" based on seed output.

Metaphor a writer's 'trap'? Nah. It's used by all the best writers.

Within the context, I think it is evident that God was using metaphor here. He's speaking in an unmistableable vernacular about the supposed 'strength' of human allies (as opposed to Israel depending on Him alone). I can just imagine Him saying, "Let me explain your situation to you in a language you can understand..."
 

William Haskins

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Metaphor a writer's 'trap'? Nah. It's used by all the best writers.

in my defense, i said 'hyperbolic metaphor'.

i am, and have always been, a strident supporter of metaphor.

as for "god" using an exaggerated stereotype of egyptian male virility as a metaphor for strength, it's possible, but not likely.

my take is that it's far more related to the cultural warnings that endure into modern times about the hypersexual enemy who wants to seduce and/or rape your women.

so, the passage from ezekial, to me, reads far more like some racist KKK pamphlet (circa 1955) than it does any divinely-wrought metaphor.
 

Bravo

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strange how they didnt put anything from the new testament.