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William Haskins
12-02-2007, 09:25 PM
funny stuff, courtesy of cracked magazine.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html

*some adult language and irreverent analysis of the bible.

joyce
12-02-2007, 09:35 PM
Absolutely hilarious!

Perks
12-02-2007, 09:39 PM
I'm crying, that was so funny. I love that site and I always forget about it. Crap, that was hilarious. I'm a mess.

Simple Living
12-02-2007, 10:10 PM
I'm just crying. I found it to be a sad commentary on the state of things today. It's insulting and vulgar towards the Creator of the Universe. It doesn't matter if you believe in Him or not. If it had been written about someone that you love dearly, I doubt it would be considered hilarious then.

Jean Marie
12-02-2007, 10:15 PM
funny stuff, courtesy of cracked magazine.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html

*some adult language and irreverent analysis of the bible.
I read the first 2, William, and you know I'll give you an honest opinion, right. We both recognize each other's beliefs. That being said, even w/ my dark humor, this one was over the line.

clockwork
12-02-2007, 10:16 PM
I adore their iphone pilot/weather parody. I wish they'd do one for each of those ads.

Bravo
12-02-2007, 10:19 PM
Instead of strapping it to his back, Ehud chose to tie it to his thigh. One wonders why the royal guards didn't comment when they frisked Elud and felt 18 inches of rigid steel in his pants. Maybe, they just assumed he was Egyptian.


:ROFL:

Voyager
12-02-2007, 10:20 PM
Lewis Black puts a little perspective on the Old Testament (LANGUAGE ALERT!)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=fmSfkCRsU0s

JoNightshade
12-02-2007, 10:22 PM
:roll:

Oh man, hilarious. Thanks for posting that!

ETA: I should mention I'm Christian and I wasn't offended. Those were some of my favorite passages! :)

astonwest
12-02-2007, 10:26 PM
I'm just crying. I found it to be a sad commentary on the state of things today. It's insulting and vulgar towards the Creator of the Universe. It doesn't matter if you believe in Him or not. If it had been written about someone that you love dearly, I doubt it would be considered hilarious then.I do believe and love the Lord, and still enjoyed it thoroughly...I'm still laughing. It's all a matter of taking it in stride. Having read through the Bible, which I still do, there are a number of stories which I say to myself "why did it happen that way?" (like David and the 100/200 foreskins story that topped the list here...I was just beginning to get disappointed that David wasn't on the list until then)

Unfortunately, they had to limit it to 9...There are so many stories out there one could analyze like that...

Of course, I also like to read the Useless Men blog...which is similar in tone.

William Haskins
12-02-2007, 10:26 PM
I read the first 2, William, and you know I'll give you an honest opinion, right. We both recognize each other's beliefs. That being said, even w/ my dark humor, this one was over the line.

over what line, though?

it's not like they're putting words in god's mouth. it's commentary on the actual text of the bible which, so i'm told, was written by god.

assuming this is true, is it not at least marginally humorous to muse over why he would need to write about the size of egyptians' packages and the volume of their ejaculant?

conversely, if such analysis (even under the guise of humor) illuminates the function of the bible as a political and cultural document, is that not also worthy of consideration?

perhaps not, to some people, but i did but a note in the OP that some believers might find it objectionable.

JoNightshade
12-02-2007, 10:33 PM
assuming this is true, is it not at least marginally humorous to muse over why he would need to write about the size of egyptians' packages and the volume of their ejaculant?

Actually this passage (Ezekiel 23:19-20) was the one they took out of context. It isn't an actual historical event or commentary, it's completely figurative. It's one big metaphor about various nations and people groups and isn't meant to be taken literally. I'd have to go back and read the whole thing to be sure, but I think this bit about the Egyptians is probably a) sarcastic and b) insulting to the Jews who were allied with Egypt rather than their own people. It's like saying "You only love that guy because he has a big penis."

Silver King
12-02-2007, 10:40 PM
...but i did put a note in the OP that some believers might find it objectionable.
The key word used, "irreverent," should act as warning enough to dissuade anyone from following the link if they feel the content might be offensive.

Shady Lane
12-02-2007, 10:41 PM
Or, perhaps "donkey's jawbone" was mistranslated from the original Hebrew word for "minigun."


:D



Elisha was a BEAST, man.

William Haskins
12-02-2007, 10:47 PM
Actually this passage (Ezekiel 23:19-20) was the one they took out of context. It isn't an actual historical event or commentary, it's completely figurative. It's one big metaphor about various nations and people groups and isn't meant to be taken literally.


19 Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt.
20 For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.


no, i think the context is evident, and even god wouldn't fall into the writer's trap of hyperbolic metaphor by describing "various nations or groups" based on seed output.

Voyager
12-02-2007, 10:56 PM
It's repeated in the Book of Enoch to describe the Watchers as well


no, i think the context is evident, and even god wouldn't fall into the writer's trap of hyperbolic metaphor by describing "various nations or groups" based on seed output.

brokenfingers
12-02-2007, 11:00 PM
I thought it was funny as hell. I'd like to see a Koran version.

Magdalen
12-02-2007, 11:18 PM
2100 years ago (in a former life) I was a young rabinical student charged with writing out pages and pages of sacred text. It was a beautiful summer day, birds chirrped, bees buzzed and a couple of sisters were doing laundry in the nearby river. I longed to join them as they splashed and laughed and rucked their skirts up above their knees. To be honest, I was not a very happy student. I hated reading and writing, and as I had told my father on the day he left me at the gates, "All I really want to do is Sing!!" But he did not care. On my third day of residence, I was taken to a small room with a single window and told to copy the text of a huge collection of writings. They told me it was the word of God, but I recognized the writing style of my great Uncle Zeek. So, can you blame me for having a little fun inbetween bouts of writer's cramp?

DamaNegra
12-02-2007, 11:23 PM
Hahahaha this was excellent!!! Thanks for sharing, Haskins.

SpookyWriter
12-02-2007, 11:54 PM
I didn't get it.

southernwriter
12-03-2007, 12:10 AM
I'm not offended. I just didn't think it was that funny.

Pat~
12-03-2007, 12:12 AM
no, i think the context is evident, and even god wouldn't fall into the writer's trap of hyperbolic metaphor by describing "various nations or groups" based on seed output.

Metaphor a writer's 'trap'? Nah. It's used by all the best writers.

Within the context, I think it is evident that God was using metaphor here. He's speaking in an unmistableable vernacular about the supposed 'strength' of human allies (as opposed to Israel depending on Him alone). I can just imagine Him saying, "Let me explain your situation to you in a language you can understand..."

William Haskins
12-03-2007, 12:17 AM
Metaphor a writer's 'trap'? Nah. It's used by all the best writers.

in my defense, i said 'hyperbolic metaphor'.

i am, and have always been, a strident supporter of metaphor.

as for "god" using an exaggerated stereotype of egyptian male virility as a metaphor for strength, it's possible, but not likely.

my take is that it's far more related to the cultural warnings that endure into modern times about the hypersexual enemy who wants to seduce and/or rape your women.

so, the passage from ezekial, to me, reads far more like some racist KKK pamphlet (circa 1955) than it does any divinely-wrought metaphor.

Devil Ledbetter
12-03-2007, 12:22 AM
funny stuff, courtesy of cracked magazine.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html

*some adult language and irreverent analysis of the bible.F'n hilarious. Thank you.

Bravo
12-03-2007, 12:32 AM
strange how they didnt put anything from the new testament.

William Haskins
12-03-2007, 12:42 AM
the new testament is far more touchy-feeley, with a notably kinder and gentler god.

severe ass-kickings don't occur again until revelations, really.

The Grift
12-03-2007, 12:43 AM
Not sure if this deserves its own thread, but this article

http://www.cracked.com/article_14790_best-worst-fantasy-science-fiction-book-covers.html

seemed appropriate for this site...

Pat~
12-03-2007, 01:03 AM
in my defense, i said 'hyperbolic metaphor'.

i am, and have always been, a strident supporter of metaphor.

as for "god" using an exaggerated stereotype of egyptian male virility as a metaphor for strength, it's possible, but not likely.

my take is that it's far more related to the cultural warnings that endure into modern times about the hypersexual enemy who wants to seduce and/or rape your women.

so, the passage from ezekial, to me, reads far more like some racist KKK pamphlet (circa 1955) than it does any divinely-wrought metaphor.

I noted that you said hyperbolic. But I think that, if you'd read the succession of prophetic warnings given by God in the OT, you'd more clearly see that at this point He couldn't possibly 'overstate' their misguided notion that Egypt could protect them from the judgment He said was coming their way. They'd spent hundreds of years in idolatry, choosing to rely on false gods and human notions of 'strength' instead of the God who'd miraculously delivered them out of Egypt, and brought them to the Promised Land. For decades He warned them that their disobedience and idolatry would bring judgment, and they ignored Him. At this point, in Ezekiel, doom is close, and God is pulling out all the stops in His warning them that the Babylonians would destroy them--and no nation on earth, not even Egypt (the epitome of strength at that time, and the one they were seeking an alliance with) could protect them from the consequences of their rebellion against Him.

This doesn't mean that Egypt was a 'hypersexual enemy.' God often speaks of His relationship with Israel in the OT in what we might call sexual language (the prophetic books are highly poetic)--as a way to portray the depth of intimacy of relationship He had (and still desires) with His people. In fact, God even used prophets and their sex lives to communicate the idolatry-caused schism in His relationship with Israel (*see the book of Hosea; prophets had a difficult life). Idolatry is synonymous with spiritual adultery in the OT.

Pat~
12-03-2007, 01:08 AM
the new testament is far more touchy-feeley, with a notably kinder and gentler god.

severe ass-kickings don't occur again until revelations, really.

He's the same God, really. It's just that with Jesus, we see more clearly His gracious side. He is both a God of judgment and a God of grace and mercy. Our pastor just mentioned today that the Christmas story is not just about grace--but also about judgment. The Son came to earth because of both.

William Haskins
12-03-2007, 01:13 AM
the only thing worse than a vengeful and angry god is a bi-polar one.

Devil Ledbetter
12-03-2007, 01:16 AM
I like my gods nonexistent.

astonwest
12-03-2007, 01:23 AM
the only thing worse than a vengeful and angry god is a bi-polar one.It was a lot easier for folks to know when something was officially wrong when you had fire raining down or the earth swallowing people whole...

Shady Lane
12-03-2007, 01:24 AM
I like my gods nonexistent.

I like mine existent, but blindfolded and gagged.

Magdalen
12-03-2007, 01:43 AM
I prefer mine to be singular, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, and to have imbued me with similar powers.

Pat~
12-03-2007, 02:17 AM
the only thing worse than a vengeful and angry god is a bi-polar one.

Very true. Fortunately He doesn't wear His attributes one at a time.

JoNightshade
12-03-2007, 02:20 AM
as for "god" using an exaggerated stereotype of egyptian male virility as a metaphor for strength, it's possible, but not likely.

my take is that it's far more related to the cultural warnings that endure into modern times about the hypersexual enemy who wants to seduce and/or rape your women.

so, the passage from ezekial, to me, reads far more like some racist KKK pamphlet (circa 1955) than it does any divinely-wrought metaphor.

Sooo, let me get this right here. You think this passage is actually saying that "Egyptian men are well endowed and fertile?"

Perhaps you should read the whole chapter, which I just went and looked up. I've bolded the passages which obviously mark this as a conceit - an elaborate metaphor often used in poetry. This is not a literal description of two women, it is using the image of two promiscuous women to describe Samaria and Jerusalem's unfaithfulness to God. This visual of God's people as a woman occurs so often throughout the Bible that it shouldn't be surprising.

1 The word of the LORD came to me: 2 "Son of man, there were two women, daughters of the same mother. 3 They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed. 4 The older was named Oholah, and her sister was Oholibah. They were mine and gave birth to sons and daughters. Oholah is Samaria, and Oholibah is Jerusalem. 5 "Oholah engaged in prostitution while she was still mine; and she lusted after her lovers, the Assyrians-warriors 6 clothed in blue, governors and commanders, all of them handsome young men, and mounted horsemen.

<snip - section detailing Oholah's sexual exploits>

11 "Her sister Oholibah saw this, yet in her lust and prostitution she was more depraved than her sister. 12 She too lusted after the Assyrians—governors and commanders, warriors in full dress, mounted horsemen, all handsome young men. 13 I saw that she too defiled herself; both of them went the same way.
14 "But she carried her prostitution still further. She saw men portrayed on a wall, figures of Chaldeans [a (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=33&chapter=23&version=31#fen-NIV-21022a)] portrayed in red, 15 with belts around their waists and flowing turbans on their heads; all of them looked like Babylonian chariot officers, natives of Chaldea. 16 As soon as she saw them, she lusted after them and sent messengers to them in Chaldea. 17 Then the Babylonians came to her, to the bed of love, and in their lust they defiled her. After she had been defiled by them, she turned away from them in disgust. 18 When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her nakedness, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 [B]So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.

William Haskins
12-03-2007, 04:27 AM
you're missing my point.

my point is that the bible was not written by god, but written by man. furthermore, the bible was written by men with the explicit purpose of glorifying certain people and demonizing others. in short, it served as cultural propaganda.

so the literal vs. the rhetorical is something of a non-issue.

it's funny only in the sense that humans, even when posing as god, can't rise above tits and ass as a vehicle.

writerterri
12-03-2007, 04:49 AM
*sigh*

Pat~
12-03-2007, 04:58 AM
you're missing my point.

my point is that the bible was not written by god, but written by man. furthermore, the bible was written by men with the explicit purpose of glorifying certain people and demonizing others. in short, it served as cultural propaganda.

so the literal vs. the rhetorical is something of a non-issue.

it's funny only in the sense that humans, even when posing as god, can't rise above tits and ass as a vehicle.

Of course, it's only a non-issue if a person shares your belief that the words of the Bible came solely from the mind of man. On the other hand, if you were to grant that the Bible was written by God, how amazing that He would choose to speak to us in words that related to the whole of our human experience--spiritual, emotional, and yes, physical. He knows what makes us sit up and take notice. ;)

SpookyWriter
12-03-2007, 04:59 AM
So does Hugh Hefner.

William Haskins
12-03-2007, 05:05 AM
Of course, it's only a non-issue if a person shares your belief that the words of the Bible came solely from the mind of man. On the other hand, if you were to grant that the Bible was written by God, how amazing that He would choose to speak to us in words that related to the whole of our human experience--spiritual, emotional, and yes, physical. He knows what makes us sit up and take notice. ;)

this is absolutely true.

SpookyWriter
12-03-2007, 06:16 AM
this is absolutely true.I love sarcasm.

astonwest
12-03-2007, 07:00 AM
Our particular denomination believes the Bible was written by man, but inspired by God...just to throw a wrench in the mess.

If memory serves, the use of women with questionable moral values as a metaphor for nations was also used prevalently in Revelation.

The Grift
12-03-2007, 07:33 PM
Of course, it's only a non-issue if a person shares your belief that the words of the Bible came solely from the mind of man. On the other hand, if you were to grant that the Bible was written by God, how amazing that He would choose to speak to us in words that related to the whole of our human experience--spiritual, emotional, and yes, physical. He knows what makes us sit up and take notice. ;)

Was the whole thing written by God? There are many books of the bible that didn't make the final cut. How can we be assured that everything that was supposed to go in went in and everything that was supposed to stay out was kept out? I trust God, but as we've seen religious leaders are extremely fallible. Regardless of whether you believe the Bible was directly written by God, merely inspired by God, or created by man, the compilation, editing, and translation of the Bible leaves considerable room for worry.