attention parents and stepparents: advice wanted

Honalo · Nov 29, 2007

Here's the situation:

I'm married eight years in January, have 2 stepsons - I've known them both 13 years. The youngest is 25. He moved in with us in May to save for law school.

We have a small ranch house - one bathroom; three bedrooms - and if it weren't for our full basement, which has a second TV room, I really think I'd have gone insane at this point. It was OK during the summer, when we had use of the porch and outside, but now I'm feeling terribly claustrophobic. I'm sick of bumping into people (it's one of those ranches where you have to walk through the entire house to get to the bedrooms); I'm sick of not having space in the kichen to make my dinner with stepson there making his dinner and the longer this goes on, the worse my mood gets. The bedrooms are so close together that when he closes his door (not quietly) I wake up.

Now I know what you're thinking (maybe): I should have prepared for the day when he'd be moving in. Yeah, OK. But that doesn't help my claustrophobia. I have a pretty intense job as a magazine editor (I'm the only editorial type person on staff) plus I manage and clean the house plus I'm at the tail end of getting my book ready to submit to agents. So needless to say, I need my space - and for the most part, I get it. My husband and stepson go downstairs when I get home so I can have time to myself - is that such a bad thing? To be honest, I really don't have the strength much more when I get home.

Now last night stepson woke me up twice out of a sound sleep with his door and finally, after 6 months of putting up with this, I said something to my husband - please, please tell him to go easy on the door! This culminates 4 days in which, admittedly, I've been feeling drained and in a funk (some of it's hormonal - my age) but also it's pressure with the book and job and all. So now my husband and I are fighting - I'm making everyone in the house walk on eggshells, he says. So I'm the one with the problem.

Well I admit I'm self-absorbed - and I had a talk with my stepson about that and told him about my own pursuits and how important it is to follow your dream, etc. etc., and asked him at the same time whether I could offer any help in his law school pursuit. He said no.

Now we come to the second thing I'm bothered by: so far I see little evidence of his applying for law school; in fact, the only thing I see is him going off to party and get drunk on the weekends and then flop in front of the TV the rest of his spare time to watch sports. I must add, in his defense, that he's great to get a long with and he does help out around the house.

But I don't think I can live through another claustrophobic winter.
Any thoughts guys? I'd appreciate it.

CaroGirl · Nov 29, 2007

Wow. That's a tough situation to be in. I think there are a couple of things at play here. First, he's living in your house and must respect your rules. Do you have jobs around the house that he's required to do, like taking out the garbage, washing dishes, unloading the dishwater, cleaning the bathroom? If not, you should. People have a greater respect for themselves when they contribute in a meaningful way to a family household.

Second, the saving for law school. If he stays in your house rent free, the conditions should be that he either gets a job and begins to pay the rent, or applies to law school and begins attending his classes. If he's not attending classes right now, he should at least have a part-time job. Not insisting on these conditions is not doing him any favours. He needs to mature and take some responsibility. Don't enable him into being a lazy lump who's content to live off the work of others.

Third, communication. Open communication among you, your husband, and his son needs to happen NOW. Your expectations of him need to be very clear. He's not a child, but he's living in your home. It's time to set the ground rules and make him very aware of them.

JMHO. Hope this helps.

KTC · Nov 29, 2007

Ppphhh! Your stepson sounds like my daughter. Kids live within a cone of MEMEME. They do not see beyond the MEMEME cone. When you get a call at midnight from a daughter who is stranded at a train station 3 hours from home with no money...and when you get there to bring her home she looks at you like, "Man...it took you long enough"...and when you drop her off at the house at 6am so you can go to work...then we can talk! That happened to me last month.

seriously...I feel your pain. About the kitchen stuff. Easy fix. One meal...you make it...he stays out of the way. Might annoy you that you're making his meal, but it's a quick fix.

Door. Remove it after the next time he does it. I learned that one from the Dan & Rosanne Connor school of child rearing. Works like a charm. They can't slam it if it's gone. And they hate the lack of privacy. They'll understand that they can't slam it any more.

You are not self obsessed if you want to have alone time. I have a teenage daughter from hell. We love her, but man...it's like they try to push our buttons. Just sit down and have a talk about his plans...sometimes you have to work to get them on track. Thankfully mine is currently on track. All systems go and smooth. But the smooth comes and goes.

PS...I too live in a bungalow. Sometimes it feels like the walls are moving closer together.

Good luck with the struggle.

NeuroFizz · Nov 29, 2007

I can't comment on the boomerang kid thing, but we did have a problem with a slamming door--on our pantry. Every time the snack-seeking kids slammed it, it set off our glass-break detector in our security system. We hassled the kids about slamming doors until we were sick of it all. Then, I bought some of those little felt "spots" with sticky-backing from Home Depot--the ones that are used for "feet" on a variety of things like coasters and trinkets that are put on scratchable surfaces. I bought some of the smallest ones (about the diameter of a pencil eraser) and put them in strategic places in the door frame. The kids still slam the door, but it gives a muffled noise that doesn't set off the security system. And, we're off the kids' backs on that one.

KTC · Nov 29, 2007

That may work...but the removing of the door was extremely effective and only took a couple minutes. Makes them resolve the slamming thing all together.

Siddow · Nov 29, 2007

Hugs. I know what it's like to be overcrowded, but my kids are too small to kick out yet.

What I think you need is a deadline. The boy is 25, he shouldn't be living with his parents. Talk with your husband calmly and explain that you're behind the kid going to law school, but that there has to be some forward motion toward that goal, and you're just not seeing it. Then let husband talk with his son and set a timeline on moving out.

Having you two support him takes away the ambition the kid needs to succeed. Plenty of people attend school AND work to pay for their own housing.

Honalo · Nov 29, 2007

yeah, actually I did talk to husband on Sunday about my concerns and he said he'd talk to stepson this week about it. My husband said he noticed too that SS wasn't doing anything about applying for law school. And I have set a deadline: a very generous one, I think: Jan. 2009. Then I take the room back (you see the room abuts the kitchen; if we cut open a doorway there we can walk through the back of the house to the BRs without having to cross the living room.) SS doesn't know the deadline, though; I've just told husband.

And BTW: stepson does work - I left that out. He works full time right now in a law firm, calling people to pay up on bad debts.
Stepson gets very defensive when confronted with something - how do you all handle that?

Parkinsonsd · Nov 29, 2007

good luck.

nerds · Nov 29, 2007

I enthusiastically agree with KTC's door-removal plan. It WORKS. It's not long before said door can be put back on and slamming will not take place again. If it does, take the damn thing off again. But usually rinse-and-repeat is not needed.

One of my sisters was a door-slammer, usually as a statement-making type thing when she was having a hissyfit or wanting attention. My dad took the door off and hid it away in the barn. She was a hard case, and the door stayed off for some time, but it did work eventually.

Plus, maybe switch things around - have stepson live in the cellar and convert his room to your own quiet/private workspace.

The other stuff, well, when I was married I had a stepson, and I see a few red flags in your story. Communication, that's the only thing that works, and it looks as if you've been placed in an unfair spot, to my eye at least. If you and your spouse have had good communication over the years, you should be able to sit down and get it hashed out.

SherryTex · Nov 29, 2007

He probably feels like he is dealing with pressured unhappy people all day --talk about misery, I've made those calls on city taxes for a law firm, tracking them down took bloodhound skills, then you got the sob stories and all you are is the stupid clerk tracking them for the bill.

Talk about WHERE he wants to go to law school --Talk about which school's he's applying to, talk to lawyers at his lawfirm about where they went. These are normal steps towards law school. (husband went, dad is a lawyer too, worked in law firms during summers most years of college and grad school).

Call him on it. "Don't get defensive, I'm trying to talk to you about this because you seem endstopped and like you're not really interested in this goal --are you?" Because if he's not, let me say law school is mucho expensive and very exhausting and practically requires that you go to a firm to work off the cost of going. Better love working because lawyers work hard. Billable hours is tough way to make a living.

Honalo · Nov 29, 2007

Thanks SherryTex - actually we have talked about that in a casual context - a few months ago; just a few sentences, really. Problem is, he really doesn't want to talk - says he's hellbent on doing this himself, doesn't need any help, etc., etc.

He's a real social butterfly, my SS; has to be with people, be with friends - not happy unless the social calendar is stacked - needs a party on Saturday night, that kind of thing. I don't see the mental strength here of someone who's committed - and I think I know a little bit about that. I don't expect anyone to be as intense as I am - it takes years and years of discipline and work to carry a full time job and write a book (and I don't mean that in a condescending way) but I at least expect that he take himself seriously.

C.bronco · Nov 29, 2007

Shortly after my friend and his wife bought their first home, the wife's father came by to visit. He walked straight upstairs to a bedroom, and slammed the door as hard as he could. He came back downstairs with a smile and said, "I've been wanting to do that for years."
True story! They live two streets over from me.

I hope that helps, or at least makes you laugh for a minute.

Honalo · Nov 29, 2007

very funny - yes, someday maybe I can do the same.
I picture myself being wheeled into a corner of the room and left there.
Well, no, I'm not serious. I don't THINK he'd leave me there.

You all have been great with your help and advice.

attention parents and stepparents: advice wanted

Honalo

CaroGirl

Living the dream

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

NeuroFizz

The grad students did it

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Siddow

I'm super! Thanks for asking

Honalo

Parkinsonsd

nerds

of all the gin joints

SherryTex

Working on 2nd WIP

Honalo

C.bronco

I have plans...

Honalo