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scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 07:25 PM
Uh...I just got a text message from someone I used to see in a professional capacity. He's in the medical profession. I've had a few appointments with him to discuss my ability to work, how to get around various medical conditions I have, etc etc. He's linked to the job centre in an advisory capacity, hence him having my phone number.

But.

I just got a text message from him asking if I wanted to meet up for 'coffee'.

Um.

Help.

OhanddidImentionhe'smarriedsoIhavenocluehowtohandl ethisKthnxbai.

Little Red Barn
11-08-2007, 07:28 PM
No--don't go. A married man should not be asking out a single, young lady, imo.

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 07:29 PM
Well I know that, it's just...how do you handle a situation like this without jumping the gun or causing offence? Delicate situation and I have to admit, embarrassing...

Bmwhtly
11-08-2007, 07:31 PM
Hmm....

After declaring yourself single, you get one text and now dub thyself 'irresistible'?
It doesn't take much to perk ya up does it :)


On a more serious note, is it for 'coffee' as in 'talk about a job over coffee' or is it 'come out to the backseat of my car for coffee'?

Little Red Barn
11-08-2007, 07:31 PM
Well, snap, tell him you're allergic to coffee and find another medical professional.
And oh, btw, what did time did my hubby send that text? :(

CaroGirl
11-08-2007, 07:32 PM
Eeps. You are clearly far too cute. Ugly yourself up a little, would ya?

The main thing is not to go. But how to do it maturely and gracefully? You'll have to ask someone more mature and graceful than me. Perhaps someone who's actually dated during this century.

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 07:33 PM
He added, "My treat."

We usually meet in an office in the local community centre, all very official. No coffee involved.

And I wish I was irresistible, Bum Wetly. :D I'm just trying to cheer myself up in the middle of the situation in which I find myself. It never rains but it pours. Hopefully, when everything around me is dealt with and finalised and I don't have to worry about it any more, I'll have a time period where I can relax and enjoy life, before the shitstorm starts up again, as it inevitably does...

nerds
11-08-2007, 07:34 PM
you could say

"I have a boyfriend the size of a refrigerator. This will make him Grumpy."


Seriously, I would just graciously decline. A friendly thanks but no thanks.

WendyNYC
11-08-2007, 07:35 PM
Just say "I'm not really comfortable with that." If you need to see him in a professional capacity, add "I'll make an appointment to discuss this in your office."

Bmwhtly
11-08-2007, 07:36 PM
He added, "My treat."That's still somewhat ambiguous to me.


We usually meet in an office in the local community centre, all very official. No coffee involved.Then it is a definite progression. And meeting out of the office does imply that it's seperate from work.

But does that mean it's *ahem* romanticly angled? not neccesarily.


Bum Wetly. :DOooh, I love it when you talk dirty :D

Siddow
11-08-2007, 07:37 PM
Sometimes coffee is just coffee.

And sometimes a suspicious wife will get her husband's cell phone and text the females listed on it, trick you into 'meeting him', only so she can show up instead and blow your head off.

Just sayin'. :D

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 07:37 PM
Oh, really? In that case I'm sadly unavailable for the next 10,000 years...

WendyNYC
11-08-2007, 07:39 PM
Sometimes coffee is just coffee.

And sometimes a suspicious wife will get her husband's cell phone and text the females listed on it, trick you into 'meeting him', only so she can show up instead and blow your head off.

Just sayin'. :D


Yikes, Siddow. You're scaring me.

KTC
11-08-2007, 07:42 PM
Since when is an invitation for coffee a smutcall?

nerds
11-08-2007, 07:45 PM
Since when is an invitation for coffee a smutcall?


1968.

Backward Masking
11-08-2007, 07:45 PM
It is free coffee though. :D

KTC
11-08-2007, 07:46 PM
1968.

I remember 1968. I call my female friends to go out for coffee. It's never been smutty.

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 07:46 PM
Since it takes place outside the office, outside office hours in a non-official capacity.

I know it looks like I'm over-reacting, but there are rules in place against 'outside hours' association, and while all of this is probably 100% innocent, think of how it could look to his boss...or his wife!

You can't just do the right thing; you have to be seen to be doing the right thing. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but sometimes, if something is completely innocent but there's a little ambiguity there, it can put doubt into people's minds about how innocent it really is. The door is open for...well, professional gossip.

cray
11-08-2007, 07:47 PM
http://adweek.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/easy.jpg


this isn't me posting anything.
it's just a staples ad.
carry on.
:D

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 07:47 PM
It is free coffee though. :D

I don't like coffee.

Maybe if it was a free book or chocolate bar...

nerds
11-08-2007, 07:48 PM
I call my female friends to go out for coffee. It's never been smutty.


Could be that polite Canadian thing, causing that. :D

maestrowork
11-08-2007, 07:48 PM
Well I know that, it's just...how do you handle a situation like this without jumping the gun or causing offence? Delicate situation and I have to admit, embarrassing...

OK... he just said let's have coffee. Right? There is no "I want to have sex with you" tone to it. It's just coffee. You're an ex-colleague. You're rekindling a friendship. Maybe you're overthinking this. I have coffee with my ex-colleagues all the time, and I'm single.

Go to the coffee, but keep that in mind. If he starts to put a make on you, stop, say thank you for the meeting, and leave.

Bmwhtly
11-08-2007, 07:49 PM
I remember 1968. I call my female friends to go out for coffee. It's never been smutty.Have you never wondered why they look so dissapointed when you leave?


But you're right. Like I said, doesn't mean it's romanticacilly motivated.

You may want to go, but if you do keep that 'Panic' button lit.

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 07:49 PM
I remember 1968. I call my female friends to go out for coffee. It's never been smutty.

You're not a member of the medical profession texting a former client though, are you?

Hmm. I need to go get ready to go out anyway. I'll put this out of my mind for a few hours and tackle it tomorrow.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

WendyNYC
11-08-2007, 07:50 PM
Since it takes place outside the office, outside office hours in a non-official capacity.

I know it looks like I'm over-reacting, but there are rules in place against 'outside hours' association, and while all of this is probably 100% innocent, think of how it could look to his boss...or his wife!

You can't just do the right thing; you have to be seen to be doing the right thing. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but sometimes, if something is completely innocent but there's a little ambiguity there, it can put doubt into people's minds about how innocent it really is. The door is open for...well, professional gossip.


I don't think you are overreacting. You are uncomfortable with it but want to be diplomatic with your response in case it IS innocent. This man is not your friend, right?

CaroGirl
11-08-2007, 07:50 PM
Since it takes place outside the office, outside office hours in a non-official capacity.
This is the red flag for me. If it were for lunch or an afternoon coffee break, that's different. But after hours means something. To me, anyway.

seun
11-08-2007, 07:50 PM
This is a strange one. If you were talking about an old friend you haven't seen in a while, it's one thing, but with someone you saw on a professional basis asking you (literally) out, it's a little different.

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 07:52 PM
I don't think you are overreacting. You are uncomfortable with it but want to be diplomatic with your response in case it IS innocent. This man is not your friend, right?

No, he's a member of 'officialdom', if that's the correct word to use.

It feels like my doctor or nurse texting, asking to go out one evening as friends. It's not quite 'icky', but a bit...hey, where's the line so I know when it's been crossed? If you see what I mean.

A friend said to me once, years ago, "If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you're not imagining it."

Bmwhtly
11-08-2007, 07:54 PM
where's the line so I know when it's been crossed?I would say, and this is only my opinion, if you Do meet him for coffee on the information you've shared, you won't have crossed a line.
But, depending on the tone he adopts for the coffee-meet, you may be able to see it from that meeting.

ccarver30
11-08-2007, 08:11 PM
Ben, every time I watch Futurama and hear the "Good news everyone!" I think of you. ;)

ScarPea, are you not participating in NaNo anymore? :(

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 08:21 PM
No, I decided I had too much on to be able to dedicate any headspace to NaNo. It seems this is one of those 'one thing after another' months. In a way I'm grateful as it means (in theory) that I'll be able to deal with everything at once and get it all out of the way.

Yeah. In theory.

And hopefully I'll have more writing time in December, or at least more headspace.

jennifer75
11-08-2007, 08:28 PM
OhanddidImentionhe'smarriedsoIhavenocluehowtohandl ethisKthnxbai.

Noooooooooooooooooow who's the tart!

jennifer75
11-08-2007, 08:34 PM
OK... he just said let's have coffee. Right? There is no "I want to have sex with you" tone to it. It's just coffee. You're an ex-colleague. You're rekindling a friendship. Maybe you're overthinking this. I have coffee with my ex-colleagues all the time, and I'm single.

Go to the coffee, but keep that in mind. If he starts to put a make on you, stop, say thank you for the meeting, and leave.

See, Maestro, this is where you're wrong. Most, and I repeat MOST women find it odd for a married man to ask us out for anything, coffee, tea, groceries, what ever... if he's married, this is a huge HUGE huge thing for most women to deal with. What are his intentions? Does he really just want to talk about work, does he have a secret crush, does his wife know? It's an awkward position to be put in and I totally understand why Scarlet reacted this way. She's human. And a married man has in some way propositioned her. And it's uncomfortable.


Scarlet, I love you, you tart.


Its a huge unfair double standard, that women get slapped with almost everyday, that men can do what women can't. Because we'd look bad.

seun
11-08-2007, 08:37 PM
See, Maestro, this is where you're wrong. Most, and I repeat MOST women find it odd for a married man to ask us out for anything, coffee, tea, groceries, what ever... if he's married, this is a huge HUGE huge thing for most women to deal with.

even if it's one friend asking another out?

RumpleTumbler
11-08-2007, 08:39 PM
Ask him if his wife will be joining you.

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 08:43 PM
even if it's one friend asking another out?

I was never his FRIEND, though. I was his client/patient.

KTC
11-08-2007, 08:44 PM
Every time Judas starts a thread, an angel has its wings ripped off.

KTC
11-08-2007, 08:45 PM
You're not a member of the medical profession texting a former client though, are you?

No. But I could be. Whatever makes you float, Judas.

seun
11-08-2007, 08:48 PM
I was never his FRIEND, though. I was his client/patient.

Yeah, I know. I just meant in relation to what Jennifer said.

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 08:50 PM
If it was as friends, I'd be okay with it, I guess...as long as the other half knew, and we met in public. I'd never go anywhere private with a man who was attached, even if the friendship was purely platonic.

KTC
11-08-2007, 08:52 PM
See, Maestro, this is where you're wrong. Most, and I repeat MOST women find it odd for a married man to ask us out for anything, coffee, tea, groceries, what ever... if he's married, this is a huge HUGE huge thing for most women to deal with.

But I do it. And there is nothing wrong with male/female friendships. There is something wrong with male/female improprieties...but not all coffee house meetings are improprieties.

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 08:54 PM
Ah, but if a man was truly my friend he would know where my boundaries are, and like it or not, I don't hang out with married men...or 'attached' men, in coffee shops, or traditional date-places.

No, there's nothing in it, there's nothing going on, but how is anyone else to know that? Not that I'm overly concerned with what other people think of me, but one should always be aware of the impression you're giving out.

So my friends know not to ask me to do things with which I am personally uncomfortable - they might be okay with it, but we all have our own standards, so a true friend wouldn't put me in this position, the one of wondering, is it something more than a professional meeting? In other words - a true friend wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable.

dpaterso
11-08-2007, 08:58 PM
Don't even feel obliged to reply to his message if you don't want to. Like you say, he isn't a friend. Delete the message, forget about it.

Me, I'd probably ask him if he'd like me to wear anything special, but that's just me...

-Derek

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 09:01 PM
Hell, if you showed up looking like your avatar, even I'd do you.

Monkey
11-08-2007, 09:04 PM
Personally, if it would make me uncomfortable to go, I'd just say "It would make me uncomfortable." That's what you'd tell a friend, right? It's not rude, it's not hurtful, and it is true.

Best of all, it squelches any more such invitations. If he really wants to associate with you outside of the business relationship, his next move would be to ask where you could meet that would not make you uncomfortable. Then you can suggest he brings his wife or some such, or say that you'd be uncomfortable violating your strictly-business relationship.

Toothpaste
11-08-2007, 09:10 PM
I am a pretty naive person. Once upon a time if I was asked for coffee I would assume it was coffee. But I have learned from personal experience that it is simply not so. ESPECIALLY if you do not have a friendship with the man. I have a lot of guy friends. And I meet them for coffee sure. But anytime a male acquaintance asks you to go for coffee, I think suspicion is warranted. And a person you know only professionally . . .

Trust me. I keep trying to think the best of these people, thinking that they really just want to hang out with me as a person. But nope. It makes me sad. Even some of my male friends I have to be careful what I wear and what I say around them (not all, I do have male friends who are just friends and I don't care what people say some men and women CAN just be friends).

Scarlet I think you are right to be wary . . . you femme fatale you!

jennifer75
11-08-2007, 09:15 PM
even if it's one friend asking another out?

married guy + married or single girl friend = suspicious wife.

married girl + married or single guy friend = naughty girl, oblivious husband.

single guy + single girl = coffee date.


hehe...

It depends. There are couples who are TOTALLY ok with their sig other spending time with the opposite sex, friends or not. Trust is huge. And if you have it, fantastic. It you question it, this causes problems.

Have I hijacked?

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 09:23 PM
OK... he just said let's have coffee. Right? There is no "I want to have sex with you" tone to it. It's just coffee. You're an ex-colleague. You're rekindling a friendship. Maybe you're overthinking this. I have coffee with my ex-colleagues all the time, and I'm single.

Go to the coffee, but keep that in mind. If he starts to put a make on you, stop, say thank you for the meeting, and leave.

That's the point. This guy is not.

jennifer75
11-08-2007, 09:23 PM
Trust me. I keep trying to think the best of these people, thinking that they really just want to hang out with me as a person. But nope. It makes me sad. Even some of my male friends I have to be careful what I wear and what I say around them (not all, I do have male friends who are just friends and I don't care what people say some men and women CAN just be friends).



So you're saying you're totally hot and all the men dig you. :) Tart. Kidding.

I find it very very very hard to trust male friends. I had one. Turns out he was pursuing me from day 1. Day 1 turned into 10 years, and the entire time he was just waiting......so, personally, I think guys, and some gals, have a hard time keeping those thoughts tucked away, and sometimes they act on them, wether they mean to or not. It just happens. It's natural. Hot girl, curious guy, you can figure the rest out.

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 09:24 PM
...I don't care what people say some men and women CAN just be friends)...

Only if the feelings involved are mutual and even, or balanced. If one fancies the other and the feelings are not reciprocated, one of those people (at least) is going to end up being hurt.

So a friendship can only work if it is mutually platonic.


Scarlet I think you are right to be wary . . . you femme fatale you!

Heh. I wish. It's never the ones I'm interested in who ask me out for 'coffee'! ;)

ccarver30
11-08-2007, 09:42 PM
Oops. Thanks Jenn. LOL

KTC
11-08-2007, 09:52 PM
It's never the ones I'm interested in who ask me out for 'coffee'! ;)

Okay, dammit! Let's go for a coffee, Judas. Your continent or mine?

scarletpeaches
11-08-2007, 09:53 PM
Sorry, I'm busy that day.

ccarver30
11-08-2007, 09:54 PM
Sorry, I'm busy that day.

LMAO

akiwiguy
11-08-2007, 10:02 PM
This kinda smacks of why I think devices such as cell-phones are better suited for "dad, can you pick me up from school" than "Hi friend (but you might in my mind be something other than a friend but I'll leave that to you to figure out), want to meet for a coffee?" There's something inherently useful about such things as voice inflexion, body language, feedback etc.

BardSkye
11-08-2007, 10:20 PM
Maybe tell him he's welcome to come along for a coffee with you and your best friend. He could bring his wife along as well, make it a pleasant chat.

If he's thinking anything but coffee that should let him know you're not.

Pomegranate
11-09-2007, 12:13 AM
I think if the situation makes you at all uncomfortable all you have to tell him is "no thank you." If he presses you can just continue to say no until he takes the hint, or if you are curious about what he wants, say "No thank you I'm busy after hours but I'd be willing to meet you at [time during working hours/public place].

You don't have to justify your boundaries to enforce them. And your boundaries can be anything that suits you.

(Personally, I'd be curious what this was about, but would only meet him in a professional situation.)

jst5150
11-09-2007, 12:18 AM
Anything other than politely saying, "No" is a step in the wrong direction. And if you're spiraling, then this will only add to the velocity and rotation of the spin.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 12:23 AM
It feels like my doctor or nurse texting, asking to go out one evening as friends. It's not quite 'icky', but a bit...hey, where's the line so I know when it's been crossed? If you see what I mean.

A friend said to me once, years ago, "If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you're not imagining it."

I still don't see it the way you do. The fact is you are NOT his colleague anymore so he becomes just an acquaintance and I don't see anything wrong with acquaintances wanting to grab a bite or coffee to catch up -- maybe he wants to network with you -- see where you are working, etc.

The thing is, you're making a LOT of assumptions based on a text message. Who knows? He could be picking you up, or not. He could just be friendly and wants to catch up (I do that with my old colleagues all the time, just to catch up -- they even came to my book signings and then we went for coffee afterward). If he's indeed interested in you, maybe he just got divorced? Who knows?

Of course you can choose to do whatever you please. If you're not interested in seeing this man in whatever capacity anymore, just say "thanks but I'm busy." Otherwise, you're both adults. You can handle a cup of coffee.

III
11-09-2007, 12:23 AM
must ....... resist ....... scarletttttttt............

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 12:26 AM
See, Maestro, this is where you're wrong. Most, and I repeat MOST women find it odd for a married man to ask us out for anything, coffee, tea, groceries, what ever... if he's married, this is a huge HUGE huge thing for most women to deal with. What are his intentions? Does he really just want to talk about work, does he have a secret crush, does his wife know? It's an awkward position to be put in and I totally understand why Scarlet reacted this way. She's human. And a married man has in some way propositioned her. And it's uncomfortable.


Women are weird. I wouldn't even think twice.

What if you're the married one and the man is single? Then what? I recently had such a meeting and neither of us thought twice about it.

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 12:37 AM
Women are weird. I wouldn't even think twice.

What if you're the married one and the man is single? Then what? I recently had such a meeting and neither of us thought twice about it.

I wouldn't ask him out for coffee, unless he was gay.

davids
11-09-2007, 12:38 AM
I think you should go out with him and do him like a Canadian two dollar bill!!!!

Perks
11-09-2007, 12:40 AM
Holy crap, I'm irresistible!Slow news day, madam?

You could always go - just the once - and use the experience as fiction fodder. No sense in canning knowledge as long as it's a public place and it's just coffee. But you'll have to be prepared to look indignant and hiss, "I thought it was for coffee!"

How terribly awkward.

Toothpaste
11-09-2007, 12:44 AM
Maestro. It isn't about women being weird. It's about having been burned in the past. Women have to be more careful than men. It's simply that straightforward. You keep latching onto the married thing. But to me that isn't the issue. To me it's the he is someone she knows in a professional capacity asking her out for coffee, married or not. It becomes very tricky. I have gotten into trouble (not trouble trouble, just uncomfortable situations) where I have accepted an invitation to coffee from someone I didn't know very well, and they thought I should have known it was a prelude to romance. Then you get the whole "girls are teases" kind of thing. I'm sorry, but from what I have learned about guys, from personal experience, and from such films as "When Harry Met Sally", they are much more likely to be interested in something more, than if the invitation had been a woman asking a man.

Now darling fabulous Maestro, I am not saying all men are like that, I am sure you are definitely not, but it doesn't negate the fact that I think it is probably fair to say most men are like that. It is worth Scarlet being careful. Because yes most often the result is just embarrassing for both parties, but very occasionally, very occasionally, it can turn into something worse. Fortunately it doesn't sound like she wants to go for coffee at all, so that's a pretty easy solution.

JoNightshade
11-09-2007, 12:45 AM
I'd look at this from his wife's POV. If you were married to this man, how would you feel about him calling up a single female and asking her out for coffee? YeeeahNO.

I think your feelings are right on this, SP.

jst5150
11-09-2007, 12:47 AM
Or it could be some sort of Scotland reality show where they have coffee and then he takes her on some rainy, zany golf outing. Then to a loch.

Yeah ...

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 12:48 AM
I still don't get it. It's Starbucks. It's not like dinner or anything. I see people meet at Starbucks (business meetings, going through some work stuff, chat about life, etc.) all the time. I still think we're putting too much into this. Of course, he could very well be trying to pick Scarlet up but she really won't know unless she goes. Like Perks said, just go and see what happens. You're both adults. And then use it in your novel.

RumpleTumbler
11-09-2007, 12:51 AM
I know if I asked my Dr. for coffee what I'd be going for. *winka winka*

cray
11-09-2007, 12:52 AM
all right all right, that's enough people.
let's just take a step back and remember what the OP wanted to discuss which was that she, scarletpeaches, is irresistible. period.

there can't be any argument.



p.s. the above would be my post if i were a mod

WendyNYC
11-09-2007, 12:53 AM
Like Perks said, just go and see what happens. You're both adults. And then use it in your novel.


I didn't get the feeling she ever WANTED to go meet him, she was just looking for a polite way out.

III
11-09-2007, 12:54 AM
I can't conceive of any circumstance under which I would agree to meet a woman for coffee without my wife's express consent, much less ask a woman out for coffee. Of course I hate coffee, but that's not the point.

jst5150
11-09-2007, 12:55 AM
And here we all are kvetching about it like were going to sit her down and give her a talking to in the living room after we light the sabbath candles. Hmmm.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 12:56 AM
I didn't get the feeling she ever WANTED to go meet him, she was just looking for a polite way out.

If that's the case, just text him back and say "I'm busy. Every day."

Really, what's the big deal?

jst5150
11-09-2007, 12:57 AM
"No, thank you" usually works fine, too.

Voyager
11-09-2007, 12:59 AM
Haa, remember what Eddie says about coffee, Scarlet. I like my women like I like my coffee, with a spoon in them.


I remember 1968. I call my female friends to go out for coffee. It's never been smutty.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:00 AM
I can't conceive of any circumstance under which I would agree to meet a woman for coffee without my wife's express consent, much less ask a woman out for coffee. Of course I hate coffee, but that's not the point.

OK... this is interesting.

Let me ask this... if a woman from my past agreed to meet me in person for coffee or to "show me around town" -- she's married now, and I'm not gay -- and her husband didn't come along... and we ended up talking for three hours about our lives, our dreams, etc. revealing some really deep stuff... what does that mean?

Of course, I still love her, but that wasn't the point for me. I didn't try to come on to her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way. But no, my intention wasn't completely innocent and she accepted my invitation. So what does that mean?

III
11-09-2007, 01:03 AM
"No, thank you" usually works fine, too.

"I have a near-fatal case of diarrhea." Works in so many situations.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:04 AM
"I'm PMSing" works well, too.

jst5150
11-09-2007, 01:04 AM
"I have a near-fatal case of diarrhea."
"And ... you stay classy, San Diego."

Cath
11-09-2007, 01:04 AM
I still don't get it. It's Starbucks. It's not like dinner or anything. I see people meet at Starbucks (business meetings, going through some work stuff, chat about life, etc.) all the time.

You know, I think this comes down to a culture difference. Folks in the US use Starbucks like a second office, but, in my experience anyway, Scotland is not a coffee culture in the same way. Asking someone out for coffee has very different overtones.

Scarlett, just politely refuse. And I hope life levels out a little for you soon.

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 01:06 AM
I know if I asked my Dr. for coffee what I'd be going for. *winka winka* My Dr. is totally HOTT...I should ask him for coffee. He's married. Think she'll mind?

RumpleTumbler
11-09-2007, 01:09 AM
My Dr. is totally HOTT...I should ask him for coffee. He's married. Think she'll mind?

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=78140&highlight=unbuttoned

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:09 AM
My Dr. is totally HOTT...I should ask him for coffee. He's married. Think she'll mind?

Maybe I'm just thick. To me, asking your doctor out for coffee goes beyond the patient-doctor relationship thing.

But asking your ex-coworker for coffee to "catch up" is perfectly normal for me.

But I get what Cath said -- probably a cultural thing, too. Plus I'm not married. Maybe if I have a wife things will be very different for me.

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 01:19 AM
Let me ask this... if a woman from my past agreed to meet me in person for coffee or to "show me around town" -- she's married now, and I'm not gay -- and her husband didn't come along... and we ended up talking for three hours about our lives, our dreams, etc. revealing some really deep stuff... what does that mean?

It means that somebody she love('s or 'd) is asking her for coffee. She goes because she's curious as to what he may have to say. Not saying she won't take up any offers, but she's curious.


Of course, I still love her, but that wasn't the point for me. I didn't try to come on to her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way.

Then why did you (hypothetically) ask her out, after so long?


But no, my intention wasn't completely innocent and she accepted my invitation. So what does that mean?

It means that you shouldn't question why SP or myself, or any other woman would question your motives. Because you just proved our point. :)

davids
11-09-2007, 01:20 AM
OK... this is interesting.

Let me ask this... if a woman from my past agreed to meet me in person for coffee or to "show me around town" -- she's married now, and I'm not gay -- and her husband didn't come along... and we ended up talking for three hours about our lives, our dreams, etc. revealing some really deep stuff... what does that mean?

Of course, I still love her, but that wasn't the point for me. I didn't try to come on to her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way. But no, my intention wasn't completely innocent and she accepted my invitation. So what does that mean?

Means you should do her like a Canadian two dollar bill!

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 01:22 AM
I can't believe it hasn't been brought up yet, there's a thread on the whole can we be friends thing. I think it touched on the whole, can a married woman or man have opposite member friends.... it's totally appropriate for this thread... NO, it was about a husband having long conversations on the phone with a gal, friend, and should the wife be upset kind of thing.....

Somebody, find it.

III
11-09-2007, 01:22 AM
OK... this is interesting.

Let me ask this... if a woman from my past agreed to meet me in person for coffee or to "show me around town" -- she's married now, and I'm not gay -- and her husband didn't come along... and we ended up talking for three hours about our lives, our dreams, etc. revealing some really deep stuff... what does that mean?

Of course, I still love her, but that wasn't the point for me. I didn't try to come on to her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way. But no, my intention wasn't completely innocent and she accepted my invitation. So what does that mean?

Okay so first let me imagine you're straight and not physically repulsive. <processing ..... processing .... processing> Man, this is harder work than I was prepared for . . . :D

Seriously, I think it's just different for each couple. How healthy is the marriage? Is jealousy a big problem or is it sadly absent? How flirtatious is each person naturally? What type of intimacy is important to each partner? Do the partners consider marriage a sacred, life-long commitment or is it transitory? Do the partners look for their primary affirmation from their spouse or from elsewhere?

In the scenario you described, I'd say it's problematic because, although you're both pretending to have pure intentions, you're both flirting with the notion of adultery - probably just for the thrill of it, but that's really how it starts. Some people think the thrill is worth the risk, some people pretend the risk isn't real, some people don't consider adultery a big deal and are actively looking for it, and some people just say "F this" and run away as fast as they can.

In that scenario, I'd say you're both grown-ups and you can figure it out. If I'm your friend in that scenario and you tell me about it, I'll put my arm around you like a brother and tell you it's a bad idea and you're playing with fire and there's a much better, more fulfilling relationship just waiting for you with any number of single women. And if I'm the husband in that scenario and I find out about it, I tell you not to speak to my wife ever again and I put everything else on hold while I try to fix my marriage.

That's why, in my original post, I was talking about my own situation. I adore and cherish my wife, not to mention my children. Fidelity is a very high priority to both of us and we experience the reward in a depth of intimacy I'd never even imagined as a younger man. And if that intimacy continues to grow over the coming years, I'd be a great fool to risk it just to sneak off and have coffee with someone. Even if she was as irresistable as our Scarlet.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:23 AM
No, I didn't prove anything. Regardless, we're basing everything on assumptions, and Scarlet of course can choose to decline. Still, it doesn't prove anything given my circumstance was different.

As I said, I have also taken out married ex-coworkers to coffee/lunch before to catch up. Pure intention. Neither of us thought much of it.

Again, no proofs.

WendyNYC
11-09-2007, 01:24 AM
OK... this is interesting.

Let me ask this... if a woman from my past agreed to meet me in person for coffee or to "show me around town" -- she's married now, and I'm not gay -- and her husband didn't come along... and we ended up talking for three hours about our lives, our dreams, etc. revealing some really deep stuff... what does that mean?

Of course, I still love her, but that wasn't the point for me. I didn't try to come on to her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way. But no, my intention wasn't completely innocent and she accepted my invitation. So what does that mean?


It means she was either a) still somewhat interested in you, b) wanted an ego boost or c) completely naive.

jst5150
11-09-2007, 01:26 AM
Then Cleopatra turns to Caesar and says, "You want to meet for Platobucks?"

Right in plain FREAKING view of Mark Antony ...

Yeah. Argument old as time ...

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 01:27 AM
No, I didn't prove anything. Regardless, we're basing everything on assumptions, and Scarlet of course can choose to decline. Still, it doesn't prove anything given my circumstance was different.

As I said, I have also taken out married ex-coworkers to coffee/lunch before to catch up. Pure intention. Neither of us thought much of it.

Again, no proofs.

You proved that our suspicions are more than likely, accurate. You asked her out, you still have feelings for her, you admit to not being totally innocent with your intentions....

Hypothetically speaking of course.

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 01:28 AM
It means she was either a) still somewhat interested in you, b) wanted an ego boost or c) completely naive.

Good call.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:29 AM
Wow... the things you learn here. Seriously, I never even gave it a second thought before. I didn't know there's so much taboo around this.

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 01:31 AM
Now you know, and you'll never ever ever make the mistake of asking an x-coworker-flame-wife of an old pal-or whatever for coffee, again. :)

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:33 AM
You proved that our suspicions are more than likely, accurate. You asked her out, you still have feelings for her, you admit to not being totally innocent with your intentions....


In this case, maybe. But not all cases are the same.

But that's my point. We are adults. We get together, have some coffee, catch up, and say goodbyes. What's the big deal? Nothing happens, or will ever happen, even if the intentions aren't exactly pure. That's life, folks. We don't live in boxes. Temptations are all around us. But we are adults, and we know what is important.

It's a frigging CUP of COFFEE.

(p.s. And I'm glad to have seen her again. It settled a lot of things for me. It was a good thing)

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:33 AM
Now you know, and you'll never ever ever make the mistake of asking an x-coworker-flame-wife of an old pal-or whatever for coffee, again. :)

I will, in heart-beat. I just don't have that kind of hang-ups.

KTC
11-09-2007, 01:35 AM
"I have a near-fatal case of diarrhea." Works in so many situations.


I just saw my insides. They are now on the outside. You're gross. And vulgar. And base.

III
11-09-2007, 01:38 AM
In this case, maybe. But not all cases are the same.

But that's my point. We are adults. We get together, have some coffee, catch up, and say goodbyes. What's the big deal? Nothing happens, or will ever happen, even if the intentions aren't exactly pure. That's life, folks. We don't live in boxes. Temptations are all around us. But we are adults, and we know what is important.

It's a frigging CUP of COFFEE.

(p.s. And I'm glad to have seen her again. It settled a lot of things for me. It was a good thing)

If it's as innocuous as that and she's not actively hiding it from her husband and it doesn't become a regular thing, I don't think there's any problem with it.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:38 AM
I just saw my insides. They are now on the outside. You're gross. And vulgar. And base.

What's more gross is that you can even taste your insides. And then you swallow them again.

KTC
11-09-2007, 01:39 AM
Oh yum...and I was wondering what I would have for supper.

III
11-09-2007, 01:39 AM
I just saw my insides. They are now on the outside. You're gross. And vulgar. And base.

Can we meet for coffee and discuss this a little more?

oh wait .... I thought I was PM'ing ....

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:40 AM
If it's as innocuous as that and she's not actively hiding it from her husband and it doesn't become a regular thing, I don't think there's any problem with it.

So Jay, you wanna go out for some coffee? I'll be in San Antonio later. No need to tell the wifey.

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 01:40 AM
In this case, maybe. But not all cases are the same.

But that's my point. We are adults. We get together, have some coffee, catch up, and say goodbyes. What's the big deal? Nothing happens, or will ever happen, even if the intentions aren't exactly pure. That's life, folks. We don't live in boxes. Temptations are all around us. But we are adults, and we know what is important.

It's a frigging CUP of COFFEE.

(p.s. And I'm glad to have seen her again. It settled a lot of things for me. It was a good thing)


I think the unfortunate things somebody always will bring up (and I'm one of those somebodies) is that somebody will always have a problem with the meeting - and usually its the spouse. The two meeting, sure, no problem. But usually there is a huge jealousy factor and somebody always sees things differently.

Closure is fantastic.

Situations like these just hit a little too close to home for some of us, unfortunately.

WendyNYC
11-09-2007, 01:41 AM
I will, in heart-beat. I just don't have that kind of hang-ups.

I hope he doesn't own firearms!

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:41 AM
Can we meet for coffee and discuss this a little more?

oh wait .... I thought I was PM'ing ....

Damn two-timer.

Never mind.

KTC
11-09-2007, 01:41 AM
Can we meet for coffee and discuss this a little more?

oh wait .... I thought I was PM'ing ....

We can meet for coffee, yes...but only after the deadly diarrhea runs its course. Nothing like sitting in a coffee shop watching somebody drip.

III
11-09-2007, 01:41 AM
So Jay, you wanna go out for some coffee. I'll be in San Antonio later.

I would be deeply and irrevocably hurt if you passed through San Antonio and didn't at least attempt to meet up with me for coffee.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:44 AM
I think the unfortunate things somebody always will bring up (and I'm one of those somebodies) is that somebody will always have a problem with the meeting - and usually its the spouse. The two meeting, sure, no problem. But usually there is a huge jealousy factor and somebody always sees things differently.

Again, I guess I'm naive. I think if you can't even trust your own spouse to make the right call and judgment (or if your spouse meets an old flame without telling you...) then I think the issues with your marriage goes something deeper... just a thought.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:45 AM
You can't say USUALLY...especially nowadays when some people are actually sane and don't have a problem with jealousy. As I said, I have coffee with friends...I meet for lunch sometimes with friends to discuss writerly stuff. My wife would rather poke her eyes out than be at that table. Guys CAN have girl friends. Jealousy is an illness that not all people have. An ugly ugly illness.

Amen, brutha.

KTC
11-09-2007, 01:46 AM
Amen, brutha.


If my wife was jealous, I never would have ended up with her. I remember jealousy from my youth. Clean cut...that's what you need to do with those people. I try not to have jealous people in my life. Life is complicated enough.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:47 AM
One of my ex-girlfriends was insanely jealous! OMG. But guess what, she ended up cheating on me because she thought I would have cheated on her first anyway. WTF? Needless to say, it ended badly.

p.s. I think a bit of jealousy is okay... that means your spouse cares. I'd be concerned if my SO doesn't care at all.

WendyNYC
11-09-2007, 01:49 AM
I wouldn't get jealous if my husband had coffee with a female. If he hid it from me, that would be another story.

Toothpaste
11-09-2007, 01:50 AM
But Maestro you are acting as if this guy doesn't have any ulterior motives. Maybe he doesn't, but look at the situation.

He's an ex-colleague. Let's say lots of time had passed and suddenly he was texting to go for coffee, so it looks like he wants to reconnect.

But he had contact with Scarlet post their professional relationship. So he isn't trying to reconnect, as he has already done that. He has spent a bit of time with Scarlet and decided he wanted to spend more time with her.

Now is it innocent? Is it just a friendship? Possibly. Is it something more? Possibly. There is no way for Scarlet to know. Nor does she know what sort of relationship he has with his wife (some couples are totally fine with their sig others hanging out with members of the opposite sex, others on the other hand . . . ). So she has a decision to make. Does she just go and see what happens and deal with whatever may or may not come up? Or does she simply not go. All of this is speculation, but not unwarranted. And it is a little oblivious to think that there aren't stupid games that men and women play. I don't necessarily think she shouldn't go for coffee, but she can't go with blinders on. That could lead to trouble.

To imply that things are less complicated than that is sweet, but naive.

RumpleTumbler
11-09-2007, 01:51 AM
One of my ex-girlfriends was insanely jealous! OMG. But guess what, she ended up cheating on me because she thought I would have cheated on her first anyway. WTF? Needless to say, it ended badly.

p.s. I think a bit of jealousy is okay... that means your spouse cares. I'd be concerned if my SO doesn't care at all.

Some people can't deal with the suspense of the pain so they end it themselves.

I saw this western once where they had a guy on the ground and threatening him with a red hot poker. He reached up and grabbed the poker and smashed it against his own chest. It was awesome. Showed those fuckers....lol

KTC
11-09-2007, 01:51 AM
But see when you are completely secure it's not called hiding. If I go out to lunch with a writer friend who happens to be a woman I may just forget to tell my wife. But having nothing to hide, it's not low handed or sneaky. It's having lunch with a friend.

ETA: This was in response to Wendy's post. Forgot to quote.

melaniehoo
11-09-2007, 01:52 AM
I think you all are right about the intentions. I've always had more male friends than female, and while I toned down the one-on-one platonic outings, I still hung out with my friends. My hubby didn't always like that I'd go grab beers with five guys, but I always invite him & he chooses not to go. He has female friends he hangs out with, but the point is we include each other if possible.

I'll be in Chicago in a couple weeks and plan to have lunch with a former coworker. We're both married and were very close when we worked together, but it's not a big deal because we're both honest with our spouses. Granted, we aren't attracted to each other so jealousy isn't a factor with us.

The key is once you start hiding things and being dishonest, everyone gets hurt. Even with coffee. :)

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 01:55 AM
But see when you are completely secure it's not called hiding. If I go out to lunch with a writer friend who happens to be a woman I may just forget to tell my wife. But having nothing to hide, it's not low handed or sneaky. It's having lunch with a friend.

ETA: This was in response to Wendy's post. Forgot to quote.

Secure or not, go home and have this conversation with your wife and ask her how she feels about these kinds of meetings. Ask her to look deep inside herself and see if she has any qualms at all. If she doesn't, congratulations, you've really lucked out.

KTC
11-09-2007, 01:55 AM
everyone gets hurt. Even with coffee. :)

Yes...coffee is very hot! Danger, Will Robinson.

KTC
11-09-2007, 01:56 AM
Secure or not, go home and have this conversation with your wife and ask her how she feels about these kinds of meetings. Ask her to look deep inside herself and see if she has any qualms at all. If she doesn't, congratulations, you've really lucked out.


I've been married 20 years...I don't have to have that conversation. Neither does she have to have it with me. (she is my Annette.)

ETA: And, hey? I am home.

melaniehoo
11-09-2007, 01:56 AM
especially when they don't put the lid on all the way.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:56 AM
Now is it innocent? Is it just a friendship? Possibly. Is it something more? Possibly. There is no way for Scarlet to know. Nor does she know what sort of relationship he has with his wife (some couples are totally fine with their sig others hanging out with members of the opposite sex, others on the other hand . . . )....
To imply that things are less complicated than that is sweet, but naive.

Actually, I didn't say he was definitely innocent. I did say he could very well want to hook up.

I just said he and Scarlet are both adults, and the only way she would know is by going. But if she doesn't want to have anything to do with him then all she has to say is "no, thanks." It really isn't that complicated. That's all I am saying. The fact is, NONE of us really know what his motives are -- all speculations and assumptions at this point.

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 01:57 AM
Again, congratulations.

KTC
11-09-2007, 01:58 AM
especially when they don't put the lid on all the way.


I hate when they do that.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 01:59 AM
But see when you are completely secure it's not called hiding. If I go out to lunch with a writer friend who happens to be a woman I may just forget to tell my wife. But having nothing to hide, it's not low handed or sneaky. It's having lunch with a friend.

ETA: This was in response to Wendy's post. Forgot to quote.

Right. If you just happen to forget mentioning this writer friend is a woman... However, if you don't tell your wife what you're doing, or you lie about it, or you say "just a guy friend" then something is wrong with you and your relationship to begin with, that you have to hide or lie.

It does come back to the trust issue. It's alarming how so many people don't trust their spouses.

Toothpaste
11-09-2007, 01:59 AM
Maestro - then we agree.

Wtf were we going back and forth about then?

Wanna go for coffee? ;)

jennifer75
11-09-2007, 02:01 AM
Can I have lots and lots of whipped cream on my latte please?

RumpleTumbler
11-09-2007, 02:01 AM
Wtf were we going back and forth about then?

oooooooooooooooooooo

Toothpaste made initials for profanity!

KTC
11-09-2007, 02:02 AM
Right. If you just happen to forget mentioning this writer friend is a woman... However, if you don't tell your wife what you're doing, or you lie about it, or you say "just a guy friend" then something is wrong with you and your relationship to begin with, that you have to hide or lie.

It does come back to the trust issue. It's alarming how so many people don't trust their spouses.

I agree completely, yes. And once this is clarified....there is no issue. My wife actually feels lucky that she doesn't have to sit through so much writing stuff now. She doesn't share my passion...and I have friends who do.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 02:02 AM
Maestro - then we agree.

Wtf were we going back and forth about then?

Wanna go for coffee? ;)

But are you single?

Heck, sure. I have no hang-ups.

;)

melaniehoo
11-09-2007, 02:02 AM
Right. If you just happen to forget mentioning this writer friend is a woman... However, if you don't tell your wife what you're doing, or you lie about it, or you say "just a guy friend" then something is wrong with you and your relationship to begin with, that you have to hide or lie.

It does come back to the trust issue. It's alarming how so many people don't trust their spouses.

Exactly. If I think my husband wouldn't agree with what I might do, or I dread telling him, then something's not right.

He's the same way so we don't have a problem. We just don't go 'there'.

That being said, he often goes out after his night class with several women, and I don't care because I've met them & I'm fine staying home.

KTC
11-09-2007, 02:02 AM
Maestro - then we agree.

Wtf were we going back and forth about then?

Wanna go for coffee? ;)


I will be having coffee at breakfast Saturday...does that count for anything?

KTC
11-09-2007, 02:04 AM
I'm fine staying home.


So you're a stay-at-home freak? I pictured you as an out-and-about freak. Hmmm. Learn something new every day.

KTC
11-09-2007, 02:04 AM
I have no hang-ups.

;)


Yes...but your chocolate pants do.

melaniehoo
11-09-2007, 02:07 AM
So you're a stay-at-home freak? I pictured you as an out-and-about freak. Hmmm. Learn something new every day.

No, your assumption is correct. But these women have said they have a hard time being themselves when I'm there because of the language barrier - they feel bad telling jokes I might not get, etc. If I were a jealous woman I'd suspect something (although I do know a few in is class have crushes on him) but since I trust him, it's fine. A lot of them are younger, too, and I don't need to hang out with children.

Our financial situation makes it tough to go out much, but if I could, I would. ;)

illiterwrite
11-09-2007, 02:10 AM
But see when you are completely secure it's not called hiding. If I go out to lunch with a writer friend who happens to be a woman I may just forget to tell my wife. But having nothing to hide, it's not low handed or sneaky. It's having lunch with a friend.

ETA: This was in response to Wendy's post. Forgot to quote.

Agreed. Three of my best friends are male. One is actually an ex-boyfriend with whom I reconnected a few years back when I saw he'd published a book of poetry. He now pals around with some of the top writers in Canada. Does that make him more attractive? You betcha. Never mind coffee, I go out for DRINKS with him. I've gone out for drinks with him when my husband was out of town -- with my husband's full knowledge. But you know what? I love my husband and the life I've created with him. He's not worried, just as I'm not worried when he has coffee or drinks with female friend.

So I'm with Ray and others. Regardless of this guy's intentions, it's just coffee. And it comes down to a question of whether or not Scarlett wants to hang out with him. If not, then she shouldn't go.

III
11-09-2007, 02:11 AM
p.s. I think a bit of jealousy is okay... that means your spouse cares. I'd be concerned if my SO doesn't care at all.

Yeah, "jealousy" can have many shades and connotations. I think healthy marriages have "good jealousy" - not meaning an insecurity or petty possessiveness, but a sanctity. I'm not jealous if my wife talks to another man, but I would be jealous and angry if she kissed him. I'd also be rightly jealous if she always wanted to spend more time with him than with me.

Toothpaste
11-09-2007, 02:13 AM
Maestro - is it okay if I have a chai latte instead?

KTC - yay coffee on saturday! Though I think I'm going to come post breakfast.

RT - golly gee I did! I don't do that often here do I? And I think I've done it twice today. I have to go wash my . . . fingers . . . with . . . soap . . . hmm . . . I actually do that a lot. Good hygiene, you know.

KTC
11-09-2007, 02:13 AM
Yeah, "jealousy" can have many shades and connotations. I think healthy marriages have "good jealousy" - not meaning an insecurity or petty possessiveness, but a sanctity. I'm not jealous if my wife talks to another man, but I would be jealous and angry if she kissed him. I'd also be rightly jealous if she always wanted to spend more time with him than with me.

You know, Dwight...you really have to get over the whole Angela thing.

KTC
11-09-2007, 02:14 AM
KTC - yay coffee on saturday! Though I think I'm going to come post breakfast.




The guest of honor quite often does.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 02:15 AM
Maestro - is it okay if I have a chai latte instead?

I love chai. We're so compatible. But really, I don't have any motives. Just talk. ;)

III
11-09-2007, 02:15 AM
You know, Dwight...you really have to get over the whole Angela thing.

I was necking with her the other night and she started saying "Oh K! Oh K!"

WendyNYC
11-09-2007, 02:23 AM
But see when you are completely secure it's not called hiding. If I go out to lunch with a writer friend who happens to be a woman I may just forget to tell my wife. But having nothing to hide, it's not low handed or sneaky. It's having lunch with a friend.

ETA: This was in response to Wendy's post. Forgot to quote.


Yes, I agree. And forgetting to mention something is not the same as hiding it.

I still think that Scarlet's texting man was more likely a perv than a friend.

KTC
11-09-2007, 02:26 AM
Yeah...none of what I said here really relates any more to the original issue regarding Judas. That does seem weird to me...considering the circumstances. I was just adding to the whole discussion on jealousy and meeting with friends in general...

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 02:28 AM
I still think that Scarlet's texting man was more likely a perv than a friend.

I would hate for anyone to make that kind of judgment about me based on an invitation to coffee. Even if my intention isn't exactly pure, what would make me a "perv"?

WendyNYC
11-09-2007, 02:32 AM
I would hate for anyone to make that kind of judgment about me based on an invitation to coffee. Even if my intention isn't exactly pure, what would make me a "perv"?


Your darkest of thoughts in your naughty, naughty mind.

I'm kidding. But the fact this guy is married and LIKELY wanting a little Peaches on the side makes him potentially skeevy, at best.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 02:34 AM
this guy is married and LIKELY wanting a little Peaches on the side makes him potentially skeevy, at best.

IF -- big IF -- that is indeed his intention then I would agree. Again, nobody knows. ;)

III
11-09-2007, 02:34 AM
I would hate for anyone to make that kind of judgment about me based on an invitation to coffee. Even if my intention isn't exactly pure, what would make me a "perv"?

Nope, just a creep. If Scarlet was a camel it'd make you a perv.

scarletpeaches
11-09-2007, 02:39 AM
I still don't get it. It's Starbucks. It's not like dinner or anything. I see people meet at Starbucks (business meetings, going through some work stuff, chat about life, etc.) all the time. I still think we're putting too much into this. Of course, he could very well be trying to pick Scarlet up but she really won't know unless she goes. Like Perks said, just go and see what happens. You're both adults. And then use it in your novel.

Maybe it's the America/UK divide, although other Americans on this board seem to 'get' where I'm coming from.

He was a medical professional I consulted in his capacity as a medical advisor. He's married. That's two strikes against him from the get-go.

Maybe you don't see a problem with that, but I do. And I would also have a problem with it if I were his wife.

Plus, there's the simple fact that in Scotland, a married man doesn't ask a single woman out for coffee unless there's flirtation going on. Least, not in my world. The dating scene and relations between the sexes are completely different on this side of the Atlantic.

And there I was thinking I gave off Noli Me Tangere signals.

scarletpeaches
11-09-2007, 02:40 AM
Maybe I'm just thick. To me, asking your doctor out for coffee goes beyond the patient-doctor relationship thing.

But asking your ex-coworker for coffee to "catch up" is perfectly normal for me.

But I get what Cath said -- probably a cultural thing, too. Plus I'm not married. Maybe if I have a wife things will be very different for me.

Ray, please understand this. I was never his co-worker. I was his patient.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 02:44 AM
Ray, please understand this. I was never his co-worker. I was his patient.

Hmmm... I didn't get that. I thought you said it was an office thing.

OK, if it's doctor-patient, then yeah, weird.

III
11-09-2007, 02:45 AM
How is this thread 7 pages long and Ray hasn't mentioned being naked once?

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 02:47 AM
I did. Check your rep points.

scarletpeaches
11-09-2007, 02:47 AM
I've only been out a couple of hours and it's seven pages already! :Jaw:

But yeah...the main thing that makes me uncomfortable is that it's crossing some sort of medical professional/patient or client line. It's a fuzzy line all the same, but still...it doesn't sit well with me.

I'll have to be polite about it, but decline, or make sure that he sees there are boundaries.

Mind you, if he acknowledged the professional boundaries, he probably wouldn't have sent the text...I dunno. I'll sleep on it.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 02:49 AM
So Scarlet, what about coffee with me?

scarletpeaches
11-09-2007, 02:51 AM
You're single, I'm single...make it a nice cup of tea and a double choc chip muffin and it's a date deal! ;)

KTC
11-09-2007, 02:52 AM
Isn't that just the sweetest thing.

ColoradoGuy
11-09-2007, 02:54 AM
Hate to get all serious and all, but what he's done is borderline unethical. In some states of the USA he would find his medical license in jepardy for what's known as a 'boundary violation' if you wanted to make his life difficult. You never hit on your patients. The grey zone here, of course, is just what his intentions were. I'm thinking not just coffee.

scarletpeaches
11-09-2007, 03:27 AM
Does anyone remember this thread (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=78534)? Or the fact NeuroFizz said this (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1667439&postcount=14)?

KTC
11-09-2007, 03:40 AM
Does anyone remember this thread (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=78534)? Or the fact NeuroFizz said this (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1667439&postcount=14)?


Yeah. I do. OMG. Same guy? You know...I don't remember if I realized it was someone who treated you before. I think I was as clueless as Ray on that point.

Gravity
11-09-2007, 03:53 AM
So here's a chilling scenario: you meet with Doctor Feelgood, and begin having what you think is an innocent conversation. Somewher along the line, while you're otherwise distracted he slips some of that date rape drug stuff into your latte. Ten minutes later you're both in a seedy hotel room by the river and the soundtrack is all bow-chicka-bow-Wowwww...

Nope, this is a Very Bad Idea on several fronts. IMHO, you understand.

maestrowork
11-09-2007, 04:57 AM
The bottom line is you're not interested -- the rest doesn't matter to you. Just say "no."

And what kind of tea, Nicky?

Jenny
11-09-2007, 04:57 AM
I don't often post in OP, but I can't believe this. The guy gets your phone number from office records because you're a former client, his former client, and texts you a message for coffee. If he truly wanted coffee, surely the reasonable thing to do would be to phone or email you suggesting you meet him at the office? If he's not willing for his colleagues to see him with you, then there's no grey line, the line's been crossed. And how dare he lay this stress on you! I'm one of those people who constantly worry about other people's feelings, but in this instance, just text "no". If you still have to deal with him professionally, maybe "no thanks". Simply not responding might be enough, but closing the episode has its advantages.

Siddow
11-09-2007, 05:17 AM
Scarlet, be honest. Does this have anything to do with this thread:
http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=83018

Just yesterday you were whinging about personal medical questions being asked of you by your job, and then wham! Today, you've got a medical professional texting you.

Perhaps you phoned him for advice? And, er, forgot?

scarletpeaches
11-09-2007, 09:19 PM
Yeah. I do. OMG. Same guy? You know...I don't remember if I realized it was someone who treated you before. I think I was as clueless as Ray on that point.

Yeah, same guy. Seems FizzyNeurons has strange, mystical powers...;) Or else he's just better at reading people than I am!