View Full Version : Name That Product

11-04-2007, 10:22 PM
Let's see if this game flies.

Manufacturers are constantly coming up with names for new products to drain our wallets.

In this game, you describe a product or service. The next player invents a name for it and suggests the next product.

I'll start.

Suppose the previous player had posted: "Men--why waste money on expensive prescriptions when you can get all the sustained energy you need from..."

I post:


Tired of trying to cover up those itchy, pustulating facial sores? Eliminate them completely with..."


11-05-2007, 12:19 AM

Divorce that ring around the tub with....

11-05-2007, 01:06 AM
Spouse-B-Gone. (well, you did say divorce...)

<We pause this thread for the following crass commercial announcement>
<We now return you to our regularly scheduled fun'n'games>

I really want the name of the next product, it's one I can really use and it's even writing related:

Stop that nasty Internal Editor with:

11-05-2007, 12:02 PM

What shines linoleum, keeps your car running like new, and makes a delicious whipped topping? Why, it's...

11-08-2007, 08:36 PM

It removes oil from salad dressing, and also contains multi-vitamins when added to water.

11-08-2007, 08:42 PM

Need a diet that REALLY works? Try...

11-08-2007, 11:44 PM

Frustrated with all that earwax buildup? Here's a new miraculous product that not only removes unwanted earwax, but recycles it too!

11-09-2007, 12:10 AM

Small as a mouse, as strong as a horse, _______ is gentle enough to use in your hair dryer!

11-09-2007, 01:44 AM

Stop that annoying snoring and at the same time learn Spanish in two weeks!

11-09-2007, 05:55 AM


The only household tool you'll ever need! It's a hammer! It's a screwdriver! It's a tape measure! It's a wrench! It's...

11-09-2007, 06:17 AM
The Leatherman!

Oh, wait, no. They already used that one.

It's...The Pocket Boyfriend! Now how much would you pay? But wait, there's more!

Got embarrassing eyebrow mold? Try....

John Paton
11-09-2007, 10:47 AM

Embarrased about those difficult to reach hairs around your anus - reach them easily with ...

11-10-2007, 02:41 AM

Tired of having to mix endless drinks, just to get a decent buzz on? Get your booze delivered directly to your bloodstream with....

11-10-2007, 03:11 AM
12 ounces of 100 proof per nostril with each squeeze!

The Perfect Christmas gift for the single girl on your list- Its a first date truth serum worn with her favorite perfume. A few whiffs and even a serial killer will come clean.

11-10-2007, 04:33 AM
Sodium Gentothal.

*snickers - I slay me!*

Miracle cream that removes unsightly armpit skin tags.

11-10-2007, 05:46 AM

Ward off those pesky head lice with...

11-10-2007, 06:35 AM

Silence an annoying spouse who yaks through every TV show you try to watch in peace with...

11-10-2007, 07:42 AM
Shuthimup Sledgehammers

Cure your significant other from his addiction to UFC with

11-11-2007, 12:19 AM
Cure your significant other from his addiction to UFC with

SIMULSHOCK! This amazing NASA-inspired device, hidden in your significant other's chair, submits him to the same pain experienced by the UFC fighters he's watching onscreen. Each blow, each kick, each agonizing strangulation will be his own, and with SIMULSHOCK's ingenious electronic misdirection, he won't know where the pain is coming from!

But wait! If you call within the next ten minutes you'll receive two SIMULSHOCKS for the same low price of just 24 monthly payments of $29.95!

Act NOW and we'll also send you two packets of PERSONAL FOUL, the tasteless tablets that can be dropped into his beer to make him averse to watching football for 24 hours at a time.

(Use SIMULSHOCK and other Cheato products at your own risk. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, skin rash, nosebleeds, abdominal pain and coma.)


Ever offer a snack to someone and have them recoil because of your smelly fingers? They're wondering where your fingers have been! Get rid of that nasty odor now with...

11-11-2007, 02:14 AM

Hate your ragged toenail cuticles? Try...

11-11-2007, 02:59 AM
Tiptoes! The latest in glue-on cuticle repair.

Tired of listening to your boss complain about your substandard performance? Try...

11-11-2007, 07:39 AM

Too lazy to pull tissues from the box? Try...

11-11-2007, 07:46 PM
Snotguard Dispensers

Tired of picking out wads of belly button lint after a long day? Try _____ today, and ban navel fuzz forever!

11-12-2007, 01:15 AM
Navel Oreck Jr.!

~A writer's dream ~. End the frustration of trying to avoid those repelling and misdirected paragraphs that threaten your very future. Take this pill and contract securing query letters come instantaneously to you.

11-12-2007, 05:22 AM

*LOL, every one's a maserati lately!*

Tongue too short to reach that ticklish toe lint? You need....

11-12-2007, 06:36 PM
...the new improved Toejammer!

Have you been awakened late at night by inconsiderate neighbors playing loud music or shouting at each other? Try this handy device, and noisy neighbors will never disturb your sleep again...

11-12-2007, 06:58 PM
The Cone of Silence
One phone call and a giant cone is lowered by helicopter over their home. ( Removal is only $5,000.00 and can be scheduled only by the homeowner-the technician will show up sometime between 9 and 5 after the call is received in order of scheduling except on days that end in a y)

Feeling slighted by federal holidays that your taxes pay for but that only banks and federal employees get off?

11-13-2007, 03:10 AM
You've got federalemployeeitis. Try slackerol.

Got dog germs on you from Fido's overexuberant greeting?

11-13-2007, 06:03 PM
Sani-Lick. Ideal for all breeds, especially German Shepherds.

Don't you hate it when you've just stepped out of your house and a pigeon decides to relieve itself on your freshly laundered shirt or brand-new coat? Well, you'll never again be the target of a bird bomber, once you use...

11-13-2007, 08:04 PM
Snug fit, last through up to seven flights!

Had enough of the telephone solicitors? Let them listen to you with this automated recording played loudly throughout their call center.

11-14-2007, 12:03 AM

Tired of being unable to reach products on the top shelves of your supermarket? Use...

11-14-2007, 12:18 AM
...the stainless steel, retractable Shelfclaw.

Are you kept awake every night by the person in bed next to you snoring? Try the handy ___ and you will never be bothered by snoring again.

11-14-2007, 01:21 AM

a space-age device of titanium and plastic that slips easily over the mouth and nose of your partner. With GAGGO you'll both sleep soundly as long as you want!

(Caution: improper application may result in suffocation.)


Why let that pooped-out feeling get you down? Now you can race through the day and keep going all night with more energy than you ever dreamed possible! Introducing ___________

11-14-2007, 03:43 AM
The Tempermagic Mattress! It not only conforms to every contour of your body as you sleep, it's closed cell foam with derma-matic dispensers will infuse your body with timed release amphetamines. When you awake, you'll get forty times as much accomplished than if you had slept on an ordinary mattress.

Leftovers going bad in your refrigator, despite using commonly available containers, plastic wrap or foil? Try _____________.

11-14-2007, 04:04 AM
Just-Eat-It Gel - specially formulated for fussy children. They'll eat it, and they'll like it!

Ever wish it could be Christmas every day? It can, with....

11-15-2007, 04:20 AM

Cut off on your daily commute? Install ______ and it will be like a drive in the country!

11-15-2007, 04:27 AM
Elim-a-Dork Installs in minutes. Get rid of them all: tailgators, rude passers and slow pokes in front, anyone you don't want to see ever again. Uses technology from the wars in the Middle East.

For those picnics when the weather is less than perfect, try _____________ .

11-15-2007, 05:49 PM
Inside-Out. A complete picnic setting for your living room, family room, or garage floor. Comes complete with artificial turf, collapsable picnic table, wire-mesh trash can (complete with bees), and fire-ants.

When you just can't quite reach that itch in the middle of your back, you need ______

11-15-2007, 06:25 PM
Scratch-Me-Senseless - The automatic back scratcher (batteries not included)

Were you embarrassed the last time you were rushed by ambulance to the hospital emergency room, and the whole trauma team got a glimpse of the holes in your underwear? Well, with the miraculous ________ you will be able to stitch up unsightly rips and tears in seconds! That's right. And it's so easy to use , you can even mend those socks while you're having a heart attack!

11-15-2007, 09:50 PM
Auto-Suture -- Also a handy item for every home First-Aid Kit -- perfect for those home knife and scissors accidents. (NOTE: This statement has not been endorsed by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, prevent, or treat any medical condition.)

Don't you hate it when the drawstring in your favorite sweat pants breaks. Sweat no more about these little things--____________ is here!

11-16-2007, 06:00 AM
Expandastring is here! It clips to the waist of that favorite pair of sweats and reels out whenever you need it. Just tie a knot and attach it to the end of the string, or you'll never get it through that gawd darned hole.

Don't you hate when your glasses break and you have to tape them until you can get to the eye doctor. Never fear, _______ is now available.

11-16-2007, 07:29 AM

Too impatient to put together an entire jigsaw puzzle? Try...

11-16-2007, 05:39 PM
FUDGE-A-PUZ! The miracle device that searches the world's databases for the image on which your puzzle is based and instantly assembles it for you!


Nothing is more annoying than reaching into your pocket and feeling a ball of disgusting, grungy old lint lurking there. Now you can banish pocket lint forever with __________

11-16-2007, 06:10 PM
The Digital Pick-Pocket! It's so inexpensive, it will pick your lint, not your wallet!

Are you disgusted every time you see pet waste lying on the ground--poop that should have been scooped by responsible dog owners? Well, you can now banish that loathsome excrement from sight with the handy _________

11-16-2007, 08:06 PM
See-No-Poop. These miraculous glasses, tinted to serve double-duty as sunglasses, are specially treated with a patented chemical that detects and identifies pet poop, and magically makes it disappear from your sight. Can be used outdoors or indoors. Fine print: exercise caution when walking with your See-No-Poop glasses on. See-No-Poop does not actually make poop disappear; it only affects your perception of it. Poop still remains a slipping hazard.

Don't you hate it when the traffic light turns red when you're still in the middle of the street, causing you to either run for the curb, endure the honking of car horns, or cower in the exact center of the street? No more! Now there's ____________________-

11-16-2007, 10:15 PM
The slim, adjustable Hummer Vest. Just slip it on, and any vehicle that touches you will turn into a wreck within seconds.

Are you bothered by aggressive wasps who always show up at your backyard barbecue to annoy you and ruin your fun? Just use this, and you'll never be assaulted by wasps again*

*This is truly a product that I wish existed!

11-16-2007, 11:16 PM
Introducing Pers-a-Net. Desribed by some as a straw hat with roll-up netting that can be rolled down to isolate anyone 6'6" or shorter from wasps, bees, mosquitos, or tse-tse flies, it is a modern marvel of engineering excellence. Small enough to keep in the glove compartment of a compact car, ready for that last minute picnic or the Sunday afternoon barbeque, it can be unfolded and unrolled to make your own perfect paradise free from annoying pests (spouses and children excepted).

Does the smoke from your barbeque grill seem to follow you around and get in your eyes, no matter how to try to avoid it? Try ________

11-17-2007, 05:31 AM
To protect your eyes from bbq smoke, wear a pair of cool Smoke Shades. A smoke transfer system hidden discreetly behind the lenses, transforms ordinary barbecue smoke into a scented mist that will awaken your senses and turn your coughing rage into a euphoric pipe dream. Drop by your local optometrist or order a pair online today. Inhaling smoke was never this much fun.

Just like 100 million others worldwide, aren't you just sick and tired of all that spam mail? Spam blockers just not working as well as you'd like? Wanna' just fry that spam and dump it all into a big landfill site! With ____________ , you will be able to annhialate spam forever, and add to the vast fortune of the person who conceived and developed the software that destroys it.

11-17-2007, 07:24 PM
SPAMINATOR is the answer to your problem. Spaminator identifies all spam before reaching your computer and immediately isolates the spam. The spam is then mixed with a secret code that returns the spam to its original IP address and activates an IED.(Integrated Explosive Device). The spammer and his computer are blown to bits.

Ever wish you could have a couple more hours of sleep before the children begin toddling through the house. Try_____________ and they'll sleep until you decide to wake them.

11-17-2007, 07:48 PM
SLUMBERBUNNY, the safe, effective sleep syrup that kids can't get enough of! In its famous rabbit-shaped bottle, it will have your precious ones crying, "More Slumberbunny, please!"

Doctor-recommended Slumberbunny comes with a money-back guarantee. If your kids don't sleep soundly as long as you want them to--or even longer--you'll receive your money back in full! (Not sold in California, Wyoming, New Hampshire, Arizona, Maine, Massachusetts, Hawaii or the District of Columbia.)


That darn cat! It's using your valuable sofa to sharpen its claws! No problem! Kitty will never approach your furniture again when you use __________

11-19-2007, 07:07 AM
Dobermania.* He'll detect the presence of a scratching cat and growl like the real thing until that naughty feline runs under the dishwasher.

*Requires fourteen triple-A batteries, not included.

Need a secure place in your home to keep important items, but can't be bothered with a safe? You need...

11-19-2007, 01:17 PM
This nearly lifelike replica of a crime family hitman comes complete with rumpled out-of-style blue serge suit, violin case (it's where you put the money) and an extensive library of gruff phrases dealing with broken knee-caps, concrete shoes and one way trips to Hoboken. You can set the password so that you may approach Luigi safely. All others will be vaporized by the industrial laser in Luigi's lapel carnation. (250V 60A. UL Approved. Professional installation recommended.)


Tired of telemarketers calling you despite the so-called no-call directory listing you ordererd months ago but just doesn't seem to work? With _______________ you're in control.

11-19-2007, 07:02 PM
The new, dynamic Ear-Splitter 2000. Here's how it works. A preprogrammed frequency is installed in your existing phone line that is activated the instant a telemarketer calls you. At the sound of his or her voice, the system then kicks in and emits a piercing sound in the range of 50,000 decibels, which is guaranteed to shatter their eardrums and ensure that they never call you or anyone else again. Just think of it. If you, your friends, relatives and neighbors all order an Ear-Splitter 2000 today, you will be able to destroy the hearing of hundreds, if not thousands of annoying telemarketers, guaranteeing that you are never bothered again. Operators are standing by to take your order, and please note that if you already own an Ear-Splitter 2000 and are calling to order a second one as a gift, please adjust the frequency on your unit so that you don't blow out the eardrums of our dedicated agents.

Have you ever shown up for a job interview or blind date, only to discover at the last moment that you have a stubborn strand of parsley or spinach stuck between your front teeth? And you have no time to floss or look for a toothpick? Well, try the handy, convenient _________ today and you'll never be embarrassed by unwanted dental weed again.

11-19-2007, 10:47 PM
Inner Lip Brillo Pads

Embarrassed by not remembering people's names the second after they tell you? Two drops of ________________ in your drink and you will have a veritable address book in your head to tap into.

11-19-2007, 11:38 PM

Had a bit of a party yesterday? Try _________ and you'll feel completely rejuvinated! Most common side-effects are blurred vision, hairloss and ingrown toenails.

11-20-2007, 07:29 PM
Sleep-4-Days: the amazing new product that comes in assorted flavors to match your favorite alcoholic beverage. You will sleep for approximately 3 days, during which your natural body processes will return to normal (somewhat). The side effects are rare, occurring in no more than one in every 100,000 users. However, when they do occur, they are so severe that your vision blurring prevents you from recognizing any facial features, you will be completely bald, and your ingrown toenails will be so bad that you will not be able to stand without pain. NOW AVAILABLE IN PINTS, QUARTS AND THE NEW, ECONOMICAL 3-GALLON JUG.

Having a hard time getting enough face-time with your boss to butter him up as much as you'd like? Try __________________, and become the brown-noser you always dreamed of being!

11-20-2007, 11:00 PM

This amazing 21st-century bio-engineering breakthrough is guaranteed to get you in good with the a**h*** in three easy steps!

1. Place a small amount of your own DNA on a SYCO-FAN-TEX tablet. This can be done by licking it.

2. Drop the tasteless SYCO-FAN-TEX tablet into his coffee.

3. Sit back and watch as he drinks the coffee and finds that you begin to dominate his thoughts. He will ask you to come into his office so that he can appreciate your presence. He will ask your advice, be thrilled with your most absurd and fatuous compliments and will probably ask himself why he hasn't given you a raise long before now.

(SYCO-FAN-TEX works for up to an hour at a time. "He" and "his" in the above instructions may, of course, be replaced by "She" and "her," as appropriate. CAUTION: a statistically insignificant number of cases have resulted in sexual-harassment lawsuits.)


You've always hated that song, yet you can't get it out of your head! Now you can erase that hideous music and those atrocious lyrics from your brain forever, with __________

11-21-2007, 12:49 AM
Transmusticate, the chewing gum that releases a chemical into your bloodstream, which passes into the brain tissue and translates those annoying and recurring lyrics into Swedish and sets them to heavy rock music. Its effects only lasts for 6 minutes, after which you won't be able to remember the lyrics to any song ever written, for up to 12 hours. A thirty-day supply is available for only $29.95, but if you act within the next 10 minutes, and are one of the first 1000 to order, we'll double your order. That's right, a two-month supply for less than $30 (S&H extra; estimated to be $31.95)

Did you ever want to play the tuba, but were afraid that it would just be too big to take to parties? Well, the ___________ is for you.

11-22-2007, 11:13 AM
The amazing OOM-PAH II

Oom-pah II consists of two units. One is the Oom, a small transmitter-player that you carry in your pocket. The other is the Pah, which can be situated anywhere within 100 yards.

Want music? Simply blow into Oom and manipulate its three convenient buttons. It will send instant signals to the larger Pah. The Pah's Intel Processor and 60-terabyte hard drive will then create sounds indistinguishable from those of a real instrument and broadcast them back to the Oom, whose powerful little speaker will fill the room with your soaring tuba melodies.

Astound your friends! Order OOM-PAH II now for the amazingly low price of just $399.99 plus shipping and handling!

But wait! If you order within the next ten minutes, Fraudco will send you absolutely free the incredible SIMBAL IV, which produces the sound of a cymbal clash each time you blow your nose.


There's nothing more embarrassing than a big, drooling dog that jumps on everybody who walks into the room. Fido may think he's being friendly, but you know your visitors don't appreciate being knocked to the floor! Stop those leaps and bounds forever with __________

John Paton
11-22-2007, 11:30 AM

It comes with a dvd with full instructions. Your beloved pet will think twice (through tears and yelps of agony) before jumping on anyone or anything ever again.

Works on drooling old men as well.

Ever wondered what to do with the stuff you pick out of your belly button at night? If you do then ********** is for you.

11-23-2007, 09:17 AM
The Lint-O-Knit 3000 lets you create fashionable sweaters out of the remains of your other fashionable sweaters in no time flat!

Too lazy to press all those buttons on your TV remote to change channels? Try...

11-24-2007, 12:12 AM
...the amazing, new Blink Surfer!

Now you can channel surf in the blink of an eye! That's right, folks. You'll never have to fumble with the remote control again.

Our patented Blink Surfer easily clips onto your eyelids, and they are safe and washable. All you have to do is blink every time you want to change channels, and the best part is that when you lower your eyelids and fall asleep, the Blink Surfer automatically turns off your TV.

And just think! With the fabulous Blink Surfer, you will now have both hands free to dig into those bowls of popcorn and chips!

Order the Surf Blinker today, and we guarantee that you will be a happier couch potato.

Can you remember the last time you clipped your long, sharp toenails? Has it been so long that you can't see why your socks and sheets have holes in them? Haven't you said to yourself a thousand times Man! There's got to be an easier way to trim those claws! Bending down to get at my feet is getting harder every day Well, that day has come, my friends! Trimming toenails has never been so easy with the new amazing_____

11-24-2007, 03:07 AM
IndulgentMom3000 - Call her to do your laundry, loan you money, and yes, clip your toenails!

Stuck in a boring meeting, with an SBD rearing its stinky head? Quick, you need...

11-27-2007, 05:58 PM
Insta-busi-thesaurus, the tiny electronic marvel that unobtrusively fits into a shirt pocket or handbag, and allows you to decipher business jargon and acronyms PDQ.

Tired of people making fun of the dinky little diamond in your new engagement ring? Dazzle them with __________

12-03-2007, 08:30 AM

The faux diamond so incredibly perfect it has fooled the world's most renowned jewelers! A BLINGALIQUE in your engagement ring practically shouts, "Look at me! My fiancé is so f***ing rich he can afford a diamond as big as the Taj Mahal!"

BLINGALIQUE comes in four dazzling styles:

The Starburst
The Orion
The Andromeda
The Big Bling

Order today!

(Caution: Prolonged exposure to BLINGALIQUE may cause damage to the retina.)


Who wants all that annoying junk mail? Not you! Now you can prevent all those unwanted letters and flyers from cluttering up your mailbox ever again! Simply use____________

12-03-2007, 09:43 AM

Your inbox protection in hard copy format! Simply install the Spam-away, attaching it to your mailbox. The distinct odor keeps even the more persistant bill collectors away; not to mention those pesky junk mail clutter-uppers.

Tired of being tired, but too tired to do anything about it?

12-04-2007, 03:35 AM
Try S.L.E.E.P. (Subconscious Layering Encelphalomatic Emotional Placebo), the new combination meditation and drug therapy. You need do nothing but send in this coupon. In not more than four or five years, you will receive a month's supply of S.L.E.E.P.. Take one of the convenient tablets or power packets with water whenever you feel a yawn coming on. If S.L.E.E.P. doesn't help you regain youthful vigor by the time you die, we'll refund the entire fee of $6,999.99!

Please specify whether you prefer tablets or powder packets when you place your order. Call 1-888-555-1234 or find us online at www.sleepripoff.com.

Lions and tigers in your closet? Hippos and elephants in the bath? Problems with animal hair and stray deposits of dung? You're in luck! For a limited time you can be rid of such inconveniences if you act now. Buy __________________________!

12-04-2007, 03:52 AM
BEGONIMAL! (Caution: May also work on your nearest and dearest and any family pets - resulting in your spouse moving back in with his/her parents and your having to retrieve the kitten from the top of the curtains, fifteen times a day. Please read instructions carefully.)

Tired of curing stress and depression by consuming vast quantities of alcohol and drugs? Try new and improved...

12-04-2007, 03:53 AM
The pest-O-Matic 6000. Guaranteed to rid your home of those nasty pests and their waste products, or we'll refund DOUBLE YOUR MONEY! But act now, operators are standing by! (We don't allow them to sit.)

Have you stopped caring altogether? You need....

12-06-2007, 10:13 AM

The miracle supplement that makes you thrill with enthusiasm at each sight you see, each voice you hear, each odor that reaches your nostrils and each pigeon that lands on your window sill! You'll race through your day with joy, and you'll feel like dancing as your smile is reflected in the delirious smiles of others!

Testimonial: "I was lower than a rat's ass. I didn't care about anything or anybody. My husband left me and my son tried to rape his English teacher and my daughter called me a frump. I couldn't do anything except sit in front of the TV all day and watch 'The View.' Then my neighbor told me about ENTHUSATROL. I now take 30 capsules a day, and it's turned my life around. I'm happier than a clam!" -- Clamma Dribble, Omaha, NE.

(Do not take ENTHUSATROL if you are allergic to pollen, ragweed, strawberries, horsehair, dandelions, talcum, hairspray, kerosene, candlewax, ginger, paprika, coal dust, okra, chewing tobacco or Stephen Baldwin movies.)


Germs! They're everywhere! Did you know that each time you shake a person's hand, an estimated 10,000,000 bacteria are transferred to your body? Stop that potentially lethal transfer now with ____________

John Paton
12-06-2007, 12:29 PM
Killadike is for you

Known side effects - do not shake the hands of any woman with closely cropped bleached hair and wearing baggy 70s jeans and an old jumper. You may kill her as well.

You've come back from a day at the beach. Ever tried to get rid of all the sand from every crack and crevice of your body without showering. If you do then ........... is for you !!

12-07-2007, 01:07 AM
Beach-B-Gone! MASSAGE it IN, VACUUM the sand OUT!

YOU can't STAND Green Bean Casserole with Cream of Mushroom Soup and French Fried Onions but all of your rich aunts are bringing it for Christmas dinner and YOU don't want to be left out of the will. Time to reach for a can of . . . .

12-10-2007, 04:11 AM
"Make Mine Chilli!" With this amazing product, you can change any dish into a perfect tailgater's dream: hot Texas stile Chilli. Guaranteed to perk up any family reunion.
Use with caution. Results vary. Keep a fire extinguisher nearby when using. Not approved by the FDA or the AMA. Texarcana Modifications Ink is not responsible for damages that may occur when this product is used with banana cream pie, "Ambrosia" (that fruit salad with those little marshmallows in it), or Christmas fruitcakes.

Tired of finding your beer cooler empty after your cousin Bubba has come by for a visit? We have the perfect solution! For a limited time you too can have ____________.

12-30-2007, 03:25 AM
BubbaF--kOff-O-matic! This handy simple device attaches easily to any bottle, can, 12 or 32 oz, six pack of either, suitcase thereof, cooler or kegger. Activated by a convenient keyring, the BubbaF--kOff-O-matic! will drop sharp steel teeth around any malt beverage container if anyone breaks the 4-dimensional laser grid protecting it.

You'd normally pay $5000, for this proactive but tasteful device available in redneck red, dirtroad-brown, or unwashed since Bubba Sr. died in '59 denim blue, in those other stores, but we have it for only $2999.95, call in now! First 100 callers get a free case of brewskis!

Want to stop that annoying parade of Mary Kay cosmeticians?