Funniest phone calls/messages you've ever received...

My grandfather called me for something. While he was leaving a message my grandmother got on the phone and then they started fighting. So I'm listening to the message and it starts off normal and then sort of descends into this argument over nothing. It was like a five minute long message.

Oh and then the time in college where I got someone seeing a bicycle built for two on my machine.

I answered my phone one morning and this woman says, "Hey, what are you doing?" It's the same way my BFF greets me on the phone, and she sounded just like her, so I rolled right into the "oh you know, just working on X while the kiddos destroy the house, did you hear from so and so, blah, blah..."

And then silence. The woman says, "Is this Carla?"

I'm like, "No. Isn't this Brandy?"

And she's like, "I think I dialed the wrong number."

We laughed about it and she wished me a good day, but the rest of my day was just weird.

My wife's sister rambles more than anyone I've ever met. We recently got Vonage so I can check voicemails online and download them as MP3's. The other day she left literally a five minute message saying "So we're still on for coming up next weekend". I was laughing so hard after 2 minutes I was crying because she kept rambling and rambling and I knew I wasn't even halfway through the message. I saved the MP3 to my hard-drive and listen to it when I need cheering up.

III said:

My wife's sister rambles more than anyone I've ever met.

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holy shit, we're related.

Is her name 'Donna'?

When I got my cell phone number changed about four years ago, I kept getting calls for someone named Michael. Apparently Michael was a bit nocturnal, because all these calls were after midnight. Anyway, one night I was up late, the phone rang, and sure enough, it was for Michael.

Woman: Michael, dat you?
Me: You have the wrong number.
Woman: Where Michael at?
Me: This isn't his number.
Woman: Where he is?
Me: I don't know. You have a wrong number.
Woman: He comin home soon?
Me: I'm sorry. Michael died.
:::long pause:::
Woman: How bout Rico? He there?

About six or seven years ago, our newspaper switched over from pasting up to doing layout on the computer. I was made copy editor and paginator, so I stayed extremely late while I was learning the new system. One night, around 7 p.m., the phone rang, and I answered it. A man said, "I just have to tell someone."

I wasn't in any mood to listen to it, but I still asked him what he wanted to say. He repeated it again. I said, "Well, just f*cking tell me then."

He said, "I'm sleeping with my step-mother."

I said, "You know, a newspaper reporter is the last person you want to tell that to," and hung up.

My mom has me on speed dial on her cell, and she has a tendancy to hit that button by accident while moving the phone. So about twice a month I get a call - or a voicemail, if we're not around - that's just muffled noise.

Sometimes, though, it's her belting out some song in her car, way off key, or swearing at the drivers in front of her. She's such a sweet, flakey sort, you'd never know she could bellow "F**K A DUCK!" with such convincing fury.

I love those people who call and get the answering machine and then proceed to go, "Hello? Hello?"

"Hello?"


"Hello?"


It's a freaking machine, moron!


Then there are the ones that go, "Please hang on for an important message."

*click!* If it was so important, the person would have been there when I picked up the phone.

One afternoon a little boy called and I thought it was my then 7-year old nephew. We talked a few seconds, and I said that he could come over and I'd give him cake and ice-cream. Then, I realized that it wasn't my nephew but a stranger. I nicely told him that he had the wrong number. Hopefully, he said, "Well, can I still come over and have that cake and ice-cream?"

Shadow_Ferret said:

I love those people who call and get the answering machine and then proceed to go, "Hello? Hello?"

"Hello?"


"Hello?"


It's a freaking machine, moron!

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Now see, this is exactly what you have to do if you're calling my parents' house. They NEVER answer the phone. They have caller ID, but usually the cordless is buried under a couch cushion or sitting by the bathtub, so they can't find it in time to check the caller ID. So I have to talk into the answering machine: "Hello? Is anybody there? It's me." (repeat) Finally, my dad, who has more than likely been sitting next to the base unit the whole time, will put me on speaker phone with a "Hold on. Your mother lost the handset again."

When I was living in China, for a few weeks I got the same wrong number calling over and over again. Well, I didn't speak Chinese, so the conversations would go like this:

Me: Hello?
Them: Wei? ['Hello']
Me: Wrong number.
Them: Wei?
Me: Sorry, I don't speak Chinese.
Them: Wei? Wei? Wei?
Me: ...
Them: Wei? Wei? Wei?
Me: Okay, look, I don't speak Chinese. Are you not getting that?

I would then hang up. They would call back in an hour or so, or the next day... I could never understand how they didn't GET it. I mean, if I called a number and got a Spanish speaking person, I'd be like, "Okay, wrong number." And that would be it. But this guy? Very persistent.

I also have one of those friends who leaves 5 minute messages on my cell, just to tell me she picked up the book I wanted or something.

RLB said:

Now see, this is exactly what you have to do if you're calling my parents' house. They NEVER answer the phone. They have caller ID, but usually the cordless is buried under a couch cushion or sitting by the bathtub, so they can't find it in time to check the caller ID. So I have to talk into the answering machine: "Hello? Is anybody there? It's me." (repeat)

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My mom is the same way! Only she doesn't have caller ID though, just the answering machine. I hate calling her from work because I'm like, Hello, hello, heeello, helloooooo, hellllllo! Until she finally picks up.

One day when I was working at my old job - in a Veterinary Hospital for those of you - I got this phone call from a man with a very strong accent.

He'd dialed wrong, and was asking for information about a Beach for Rent.

Being at work, and having trouble with his accent, I took him for asking about a Bitch in Heat.

Took us five minutes of a very strange conversation to figure out he dialed wrong.

Once I was at work and answered my phone. The caller didn't say hello or anything but asked, "How many items can I take on the bus?" I say, "What?" He repeats the question, very agitated, until finally I convince him no, this isn't the bus company, and he hangs up. Turns out my phone number was one digit different from Greyhound.

In grade school, my best friend called home once and got Dad. I think they talked for about five minutes before they realized she'd accidentally dialed my number, not hers, and was talking with my Dad, not hers.

These are hilarious.

I got one - twice in a week - about 11:00 pm. I said, "Hello?"

The guy on the other side says, in a really sad voice, "I'm lonely. Can you talk to me? Talk to me, please? I'm so lonely."

He just kept repeating himself over and over.

I know a woman who can out-ramble anyone. Seriously.

So, a while back, she got kicked out of her house. I worried about her, and called her cell-phone to offer whatever assistance I could. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hi...just wondering how you were doing and...
Her: Well, we got kicked out of our house (long explanation of every detail - she'd told me all this before). But we're doing Ok, really. I mean, we don't have a lot of money right now, but you'd be surprised how much food you can get for cheap if you know where to look...bananas. Bananas are on sale...you ought to go get some (never mind that she's 4 hours away). You know, sometimes, they sell them in bags, and I did the math; they're considerably cheaper that way. (I timed her. She spoke for 45 minutes on the price of bananas.)
Me (interrupting): Yeah. Um. I like bananas, too. I was wondering if you needed a place to stay, or if there was somewhere I could send you some money or something?
Her: Oh, we're doing fine, for now. I'm going to stay at my daughter's house for a while. (talks about her daughter for 30 minutes).
Me (interrupting): Um mm, I have to go. If you need anything, call. Bye.

This was a fairly standard conversation with her. It just amazes me that after losing her house, she wanted to talk about bananas.

She later came to stay with us, but she's of a different religion and clearly wasn't comfortable being under our roof. She set a tent up outside.


At one sad point in my life, I had to work as a (dum-dum-duuuuum) telemarketer. I didn't mind when people were rude to me; I was, after all, calling them at their house to sell them crap that they didn't want or need. I had some funny calls, though. One of my favorites was a guy who asked me if I would mind being put on hold, and then sat the phone next to a radio. I loved it. For the better part of an hour, I sat listening to the radio and this guy's dinner conversation while drawing pictures in a little notebook. My supervisors kept checking on me, but hey, I was on a call. Finally, the guy comes back to the phone and, chuckling, he says, "Hello?" I jumped immediately into my sales pitch. He spluttered and stuttered and hung up. It was hilarious.

Another guy interrupted me with, "Look, it's *Sunday*."
Me: "Yes, sir. It is."
Him: "No, you don't get it. This is Sunday. The Lord's day."
Me: "Yes, it's Sunday, here, too."
Him: "Do you go to church?"
Me: "Do you?"
Him: "I sure do."
Me: "Did you go out to eat afterwords?"
Him: (hesitantly) "Yes."
Me: "So you didn't mind that the waitresses were working on the Lord's day?"
Him: "Uh...uh...look...it's Sunday!"
Me: "Yes. That's how I caught you at home...(starts into sales pitch)"
Him: (Screaming like a lunatic) "IT'S SUUUUUNDAAAAY! IT'S SUUUNDAAAAY! IT'S SUNDAAAAAAAAY!" *heave, wheeze, pant*
Me: "Yes, sir. But not everyone is Christian."
*click*
Me: About freakin' time.

Bill collectors call my house asking for money!

Does anyone get calls from the toner pirates? I'm a secretary and they'll call up, telling me that their toner prices have gone up. I know it's them, because the company we actually use always sends a letter about the toner and if they call, they say their name. If you ever say "yes", then send toner to you for like 3xs the normal price. And it's a pain to return it.

Anyway, the last conversation went like this:

"Hi, there, this is so-and-so from your copier company. We just wanted to let you know that the price of your toner has gone up."

"It has?"

"Yeah, we'll ship you out one tomorrow, but we just wanted to give you a heads up. Is that okay?"

"Actually, we don't use that copier anymore."

"No?"

"We switched to chisels and stone tablets."

"To chisels and wha-"

"Chisels and stone tablets. They're kind of a pain. You can't imagine trying to stack and store stone tablets. They weigh a ton. So we're thinking about switching to quill and ink pots and hiring some scriveners -"

"Lady, this isn't funny."

"Yeah, neither is the back pain from the tablets, let me tell you."

*click*

My coworker was standing next to me. He thought I was on crack.

No, real creepy is the guy who used to call me about once a week, saying, "Guess what I'm doing?" It was pretty obvious WHAT he was doing, and even though he'd never confirm, I'm pretty sure he was a guy we called Gig who used to hang out with my ex-husband.

I'd usually just hang up, but I got really tired of it, so I let my current husband talk to him. He finally quit calling. Probably went blind.

Well, this happened about two Fridays ago and this guy called in the middle of the night, probably around 3am, and luckily I was still semi-awake and answered the phone because if my mother did, the man on the phone would have paid with his life....anyways...

I answer the phone and it goes along something like this:

Me: Hello?
Weird guy: Yes, I'm calling about your ad in the newspaper about the magic carpet you're selling.
Me: What the f*ck?
Weird guy: Are you still selling it?

I hang up, not even giving the guy a chance. But all in the end I knew it was a friend of mine, or an ex-friend who was just trying to get some giggles in. Whatever...

And then about two days after, I get another strange call on my cell phone.

Me: Hello?
Guy: What's your name?
Me: Why?
Guy: I want to know what your name is.
Me: What's your name?
Guy: I can't tell you that. This is sort of an online dating service. You can't know anything about each other except a name.
Me: That doesn't make any damn sense.
Guy: So, can I have your name?
Me: Lose my number, and never call me again. ::click::

Again, it was in the middle of the night. Another prank. Boy, do I need some new friends.

And don't you hate it when someone calls you and they ask, "Who is this?" not even hello, or anything. . . I hate that.