Teaching manners

kristie911 · Oct 23, 2007

Yeah, I know you heathens are probably not the best group to ask about this but I'm going to anyway.

My son is 3. Of course, I've been trying to teach him basic manners like please and thank-you and how to be polite at the table. But I've also been working on teaching him to say sir and ma'am as a sign of respect. Surprisingly, he's really caught on. What I'm wondering is...is this out-dated? Antiquated? I think it's polite, it's what I learned as a child. But when I go out to eat or even just to a store, all I see are misbehaving kids who probably don't even know what sir or ma'am means. Am I dooming my child to be the "dork"?

Carrie in PA · Oct 23, 2007

Ma'am and Sir depend on where you live. In the south, it's appropriate and expected. Around here, it's weird.

Please and thank you are adorable no matter the location.

stormie · Oct 23, 2007

Yep. What Carrie said. Just teach the normal, everday-type manners like chew with your mouth closed, wipe your mouth on a napkin, not your shirt, hold the doors for others, say "thank you," "no, thanks," etc.

If he has already caught on to "ma'am" and "sir" I wouldn't discourage it, since he might now get confused. I wouldn't encourage it, though, unless you do live in the southeastern US. Even then....

(ETA: Now, now, Kristie, calling us AWers "heathens." You could at least have put the "h" as a capital letter

.)

Esopha · Oct 23, 2007

My mom and dad were always "ma'am" and "sir" when I was in trouble. I always fall back on "sir" and "ma'am." It comes in handy - especially when I volunteer. Everybody is "ma'am" or "sir," because I never know who is an important official.

It's not a bad habit to have. That's coming from a hip, swingin' teen.

Hillary · Oct 23, 2007

I live in Massachusetts, but I nannied in Tennessee. Children down there referred to all men as "sir" and all women as "ma'am" or, if they were on a first-name basis, they stuck "miss" in front of the name.

I got such a kick out of kids saying "Yes, ma'am" or "Yes, miss Hillary."

Not a priority to teach, but not something to discourage. I've found with little ones, the hardest thing to teach is the appropriate level of being outgoing toward adults. A lot of kids are either annoying loudmouths who make adults want to shout "Don't speak unless spoken to!" or the kids clam up entirely and don't respond to adults and thus appear impolite. If he's not a pro already, I'd work on getting him to greet adults politely and answer the simple "How old are you?" and "What's your name, what do you like to do?" kind of questions and such. Looking people in the eye when talking, not scowling or digging faces into parental legs, etc. are all good things to work on.

poetinahat · Oct 23, 2007

I agree with everybody so far -- what a fine group you are, ladies and gentlemen!

Kids may not *use* all their manners when it becomes uncool to do so, but there will come a time when they'll be glad to know them. It's a lot easier and more comfortable to adjust to local conditions than to be caught out and have to learn them later.

Shady Lane · Oct 23, 2007

Welllll I go to hippie school where we call teachers by their first names. So I automatically call all adults I meet by their first names, which is a problem.

Anyway, my boyfriend was taught to say Sir and Ma'am. He's 6'6'' and looks much older than he is. When he sirs/ma'ams, people think he's being sarcastic and they don't like it.

DamaNegra · Oct 23, 2007

Ah, here in Mexico, there are two ways of addressing people. The more relaxed, friendly "tú" and the more formal "usted". I've bene taught to use "usted" when referring to any adult but I usually feel like a geek using it. Especially since everyone tells me: "Don't say 'usted'! I feel like an old person!" But I still use it until they tell me to quit. Sometimes. It gets me too confused. Sometimes I just go around to avoid using either.

Mandy-Jane · Oct 23, 2007

I think sir and ma'am are lovely, but yes, I also think they're outdated. I've never heard children use them, not in Australia anyway. All the kids I know, including my own, call people by their first names. And that's perfectly acceptable where I come from.

JoNightshade · Oct 23, 2007

I've run into a couple families lately who have taught their children to address adults as Mr. Lastname (or Mrs. or Ms.) I don't think this comes off as unusual or dorky at all, it's just polite.

I, on the other hand, was raised to call all of my adult relatives by their first names. The only people I ever used Mr. or Mrs. with were teachers (whose first names I did not usually know). I don't think it was intentional that my parents did this... I was an only child and I was included in a lot of adult activities, and of course the adults are all on a first-name basis. I always assumed I was as smart and witty (yeah right) as adults, so I also used their first names.

When I got to college, I referred to professors simply by their last names until they invited me to use their first names. IE Fitzhenry (or Fitzy), Cokal, etc. But it was a pretty relaxed department.

melaniehoo · Oct 23, 2007

I like the way poetinahat put it. It teaches respect and that's hard to train at an older age.

WendyNYC · Oct 23, 2007

My children use Mr, Mrs and Ms (it's the norm in my neighborhood), but I never hear sir or ma'am. I agree it's a Southern thing.

Deadbeat 007 · Oct 23, 2007

I've danced ballet nearly all my life, so pretty much every instructor I've had was either Ms. Nadya, Ms. Susan, Mr. Han, etc. I think, since prefixes like that crop up all the time, it's a good idea to enforce that early on. When I'm addressing a stranger, it's always "Miss" or "Sir"... Other kids my age use those terms, too. Maybe it is just location.

maestrowork · Oct 23, 2007

For me, it's always either "hey" or "you."

WendyNYC · Oct 23, 2007

Deadbeat 007 said:
I've danced ballet nearly all my life, so pretty much every instructor I've had was either Ms. Nadya, Ms. Susan, Mr. Han, etc. I think, since prefixes like that crop up all the time, it's a good idea to enforce that early on. When I'm addressing a stranger, it's always "Miss" or "Sir"... Other kids my age use those terms, too. Maybe it is just location.

Oh yes, in the case of a stranger, I do that to. You mean like, "Sir, you dropped this"?

Fingers · Oct 23, 2007

I live in Oregon. My dad was from Mississippi. As a kid we used to get the snot slapped out of us if we didnt say yes sir, no sir, yes ma'am, no ma'am. I didnt make my kids say it pretty much for that reason. But the thing that irritated me the most was answering Yeah, Huh?, What? My kids said yes or no. I beg your pardon or excuse me. I was always complimented on how polite my kids were. YMMV

yer pal Brian

writerterri · Oct 23, 2007

kristie911 said:
Yeah, I know you heathens are probably not the best group to ask about this but I'm going to anyway.

My son is 3. Of course, I've been trying to teach him basic manners like please and thank-you and how to be polite at the table. But I've also been working on teaching him to say sir and ma'am as a sign of respect. Surprisingly, he's really caught on. What I'm wondering is...is this out-dated? Antiquated? I think it's polite, it's what I learned as a child. But when I go out to eat or even just to a store, all I see are misbehaving kids who probably don't even know what sir or ma'am means. Am I dooming my child to be the "dork"?

Of course! Dorky is always good. And those are my kids in the store who don't behave. Just be thankful they aren't going home with you. K?

It's all good. You're a good mom to teach him that. He will learn more from how you act toward people than anything else. My kids try to be polite but they have a spit fire trait they got from my grandma. Fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Just try to controll it. I know it's hard, I tell my kids.

kristie911 · Oct 23, 2007

I should have specified that I'm not teaching him like he's in the Army or something, where he would finish every sentence with sir or ma'am but when someone asks him if he wants something he would say, "Yes, ma'am" or "Yes, sir". But if he's just saying thank-you (not thanks), he doesn't say it. Nor does he say things like, "I'm three, sir" if he's asked how old he is. It's selective. He is a very polite child. I've had several waitresses comment on it when I take him out to eat. I'm proud of him.

And yes, I will admit it's not common to hear children use sir or ma'am here in Michigan but I think in defense to the horribly behaved children I see, I'm trying to make my son even better! I can't believe what parents let their children get away with.

One night I took him to Brann's for dinner and there was a family sitting a couple of tables over from us. Parents and two kids, a boy about 5 and a girl a little older. When the food came the boy refused to eat what he ordered and ultimately flung his full plate on the floor. The parents just sat there while the waitress cleaned it up and then ordered the kid something different. Wow! I never would have let my son get away with something like that. I'm not big on spanking but that would have warranted at least a smack on the butt and he would have been the one picking up that food. Not the waitress. I was horrified!

writerterri · Oct 23, 2007

We got it, dork.

We know you're secretly a military wannabe momma.

My little brother flung a plate of food he didn't want on the people behind us when he didn't want his food.

wordmonkey · Oct 23, 2007

Do it.

I've pushed my kids on manners and we ALWAYS get comments about how polite and well mannered they are.

I get them to say please and thank-you always. When dinner is finished, knife and fork goes together on the plate. When they open a a packet of chips, the offer them around to see if people want some.

When our oldest was three, we were in Sears. I had junior and my wife was looking and underwear. We were done and headed back to my wife but another shopper was blocking our route. Junior stands and waits for the woman to move. No dice. So he says, "Excuse me, please!" and she moves. Then looks down and sees it was a three-year old, looks up and says, "Did he just say, excuse me?"

Way too much rudeness. Manners are free and make a big impression. Also make the world a little nicer.

I don't bother with the sir amd ma'am thing, though the oldest has picked that up and says it when he's getting busted. Go figure.

Deadbeat 007 · Oct 23, 2007

WendyNYC said:
Oh yes, in the case of a stranger, I do that to. You mean like, "Sir, you dropped this"?

Yeah, exactly. On second thought, I think that's pretty universal.

JLCwrites · Oct 23, 2007

My three year old calls our friends and neighbors by their first names. However, we are very big on using please and thank you. Even if your child is a maniac in a public place, if he/she says please and thank you, they are instantly forgiven by surrounding strangers. Nothing replaces being polite.

BenPanced · Oct 23, 2007

I use "sir" and "ma'am" in public situations, like Wendy described, or once in a while when I get an older person on the phone at work who may not be used to the current customer service trend of using first names.

My mother made sure we knew basic manners: how to hold eating utensils properly, "please", "thank you", proper titles (Mr., Miss, Grandma, Uncle Judy and Aunt Lars), wait your turn, "indoor voice", etc. Mostly because she wanted my sisters and me to succeed and become independent adults, mostly because she knew that if we were absolute monsters in public, it would reflect poorly on her.

RLB · Oct 23, 2007

I use Sir and M'am only with my (very Southern) older relatives, and I'm almost thirty. Last Thanksgiving my grandmother corrected me because I was cutting a bite off my meat and not setting my steak knife back down on my plate before taking a bite. Who knew?

Southern_girl29 · Oct 23, 2007

I'm teaching my four year old to use sir and ma'am, because it is a Southern thing. I grew up using it, and I just think it sounds best when a child says yes sir, no sir, yes ma'am or no ma'am.

She also calls our neighbors Mr. or Mrs. Last Name. With friends and relatives, I don't have a problem with her calling them by their first names.

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