What if AW members had to continue Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy...

Why couldn't January, February, March, April, and May each have 31 days, and the remaining seven months each have 30? It would be a whole lot easier to remember than "30 days hath September...".

Just once I'd like to see a romantic comedy where the female lead picks the guy she'd pick in real life. Sure, no one would go to see it, but it would make the world more balanced.

(My leetle Meerkat...is this "on target"? I have no idea...just trying to play along...

I recognize the need for "Yield" signs; I just object to their use along Lover's Lane.

When people cut me off in traffic, it makes me stop and think and wish, wish I had a Klingon bird of prey that would decloak and fire on the offending vehicle rendering it absolute ash, then I could relax and get on my way.

If we elected a dog for president, it should be a talking dog. He should also be housebroken.

It's tragic when people worth their weight in gold are skinny.

LOL, okay, I clearly cannot compete! But you guys ROCK!

multi-hued oreos, because the only thing missing from this perfect junk food, was artificial coloring.

If everyone else jumped off a bridge, that would be a pretty big pile of bodies.

If there was ever a fountain of youth, I think it should squirt Mountain Dew.

My wife says she likes it when we have sex, but I wouldn't want someone doing that to me.

kinda rusty

like this? No child left behind? Let me drive the school bus and we'll see about that!

I bet if Shakespeare was lying on his death bed and suddenly realized that he could have just written free-verse poetry instead of sonnets, he might have been so inspired that he would have written a poem about his revelation, but he wouldn't have been able to decide whether to write it as a sonnet or in free-verse and before he could make up his mind, he died. So who's the stupid one now, Willie? Not me.

When anyone says just kidding, and they've really said something insulting, I just visualize myself placing a call to the IRS to let them know that this person is defrauding on their taxes, then I go and do it, and to make sure they wind up in federal prison, I make cash donations to both political parties in their name with their address, accompanied by vitriolic hate mail. Then when they are dragged off to the federal penitentiary, I come to visit them behind the caged windows. When they pick up the phone to speak to me, I say, "Just kidding." Then I hang up and leave, remarking on what a wonderful sunny day it is outside.

Because Halloween has been so coopted by retailers and adults, I've decided this year to serve something truly scary in the minds of most suburbanites, popcorn balls and carmel apples, all homemade. Happy Halloween.

If bio fuel from french fries is good for the environment, why can't we run on it?

I always wondered what the "Do Not Enter" signs really meant. I entered. Nothing happened.