Dear Angie

Hello, everyone.

I'm bored. And I have all this *cough* useless *cough* knowledge stored up, so I've decided to start an advice column right here in OP! Aren't you excited? Don't answer that. Or, if you must answer that, phrase your answer in the form of a question to the new advice diva, who happens to be me.

So. What do you need advice on?

lfraser said:

Why are my feet always cold?

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It is the natural state of feet to be cold, just like a dog's nose. Be glad they're not wet and cold. But there's an easy fix: just stick them up against some bare flesh on your spouse/partner and they'll be toasty warm in no time. Don't mind the screaming; your spouse/partner really loves it when you do this.

DamaNegra said:

Why does existence hate me??

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That one time, long ago, you called it a name. Of course it deserved it, but existence is a high-strung sort and not prone to letting go of grudges. I suggest you apologize, right now.

Susie said:

Will our house situation be ok and the insurance co. will still want us to be their customers? Say yes, please.

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Well, of course. I'm sending some big...uh, friends to make sure of it right now...

RoadBuddy said:

What is this thing under my mattress, and how do I get rid of it?

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That is the Monster Under the Bed (tm). There are several ways of getting rid of it; you can keep a flashlight under your pillow to shine in its eyes (MUTBs have extra-sensitive night vision). You can put some water in a squirt gun to spray at it (MUTBs also hate water, which is why there's also a certain odor associated with them). Or you can leave the poor thing alone. They're relatively harmless, misunderstood creatures, and they keep the bugs and rodents out of your house. You don't want to know how.

Turkey Lurkey said:

Why is 42 the meaning of life?

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Because 27 wouldn't make any sense. Duh.

Kentuk said:

To whom shall I sell my story?

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Well, you didn't give me much information to work with, such as what sort of story it is, whether it's a short or a novel, and whether or not it's any good (though I'm sure it's the most wonderful story ever written). So I had to do some checking, but there's this place called Publish America that will take anything sent to them. I mean it. Anything. Of course, if you actually want money for your story, that's a whole different matter...

Cassiopeia said:

Dear Angie,

I just want to know how to deal with rascally doggies and roaming aardvarks and kitties with claws.

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I've always found bribery to work wonders. If bribery doesn't work, sedation is great. And once you're sedated, you won't care much about the housework, how noisy the kids get, or that annoying neighbor either.

Fingers said:

Dear Angie:

Without using a scale, I have to determine the weight of a three inch long piece of steel that has a one inch long by .200 diameter, a one inch long by .300 diameter and a one inch long by .400 diameter. Need help soonest.

yer pal Brian

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1. Get a pail. Put exactly one gallon of water in the pail.

2. Mark the water level in the pail.

3. Drop in your first piece of steel. Mark the new water level to determine how much water was displaced by the piece of steel.

4. Call someone who actually knows what the heck you're talking about and ask them what to do next.

Voyager said:

LOL, she said advice column, not 8 ball.

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Yeah, well, I've learned to take what you get in OP.

truelyana said:

Why have I had continous stomach cramp aches for the last couple of days? (And no, it's not the chocolate eating, well I think not)

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Are you pregnant? Okay, okay, just checking! Since we've also ruled out the chocolate eating, any number of other things could be causing your cramps. I suggest seeing a doctor instead of some hack advice columnist.

Chumplet said:

How do I get off the damned internet and get back to writing?

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1. Disconnect your modem from the computer.

2. Take it outside and lay it gently on the sidewalk.

3. Get a hammer.

4. Apply the hammer liberally to the modem.

This also works great as a stress reliever, although your stress will come back double force once you discover how much it costs to replace that modem...

PeeDee said:

How long have I got until this body starts to smell, and what should I do with it???? PLEASE RESPOND ASAP!!! Yrs, Anonymous

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It already smells. I can smell it from here. Geesh, did this guy ever take a bath??

Okay, what you need to do is get a LOT of air fresheners. The little pine-tree ones you hang in your car should be fine. Attach them all over the body (stapling works great for this) until you now have a pine-and-death-scented body.

Now wrap it in a tarp and put it in the trunk of your car.

Drive the car to some remote body of water.

Weigh the body down with rocks and throw it in.

Go home and wait for the CSI people to show up.

Dear Anon:

Since you didn't get any nasty bloodstains on it, you should be able to get your deposit back. I'd do it soon, though, because a fisherman just found the body...

Turkey Lurkey said:

Dear Angie, will you help me edit my WIP? I need to change it from present tense to past tense.

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Absolutely. My rate is $5 per double-spaced page, or a nice turkey dinner with lots of stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy. Your choice.